Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command “Halt!”

“Why,” said Mike, “when he says ‘Halt,’ you just bring the foot that’s on the ground to the side av the foot that’s in the air, an’ remain motionless.”

“Dear teacher,” wrote little Johnny’s mother, “kindly excuse John’s absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother.”

An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the Irishman excitedly remarked: “Well, begorra, if you’re goin’ to git on I’ll git off.”

“The doctor says if ‘e lasts till moring ‘e’ll ‘ave some ‘ope, but if ‘e don’t, the doctor says ‘e give ‘im up.”

For rent—A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.

A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him: “Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her funeral expenses.”

A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said sharply: “John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do. Come up here and let me give you some work.”

A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle and chewing gum.

“Mary,” exclaimed the indignant professor, “take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in.”

MAGISTRATE—”You admit you stole the pig?”

PRISONER—”I ‘ave to.”

MAGISTRATE—”Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will be safe.”—M.L. Hayward.

“In choosing his men,” said the Sabbath-school superintendent, “Gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the other.”—Joe King.

“If you want to put that song over you must sing louder.”

“I’m singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?”

“Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it.”