I begin to realize I’m not that a moderate person after all.
I’m actually a person of both ends, stuck and lost between the extremes, contradicting myself in everyday life.
I pride myself to be strong but I could be so fragile at times, even simple words could descend my world into darkness.
I’m open to others, hoping that I could touch their hearts & make them feel better.
In turn, I actually wanted the same.
Is it being wise or cunning?
Am I manipulating people’s feelings because I know by pressing the right buttons, I could get them at where I want them to be?
Why is it I’m too smart for my own good?
Why do I think so fast, that I even counter and further double counter my actions & thoughts to save my own skin? So I could foresee the scenarios that might occur, make excuses & protect myself?
Why can’t I be more innocent?
People say I’m naïve, I try to be because I wanted to believe in their innocence. Or was it all an act because if I don’t do so, I’ll be abandoned in the ends of extremes. Doomed to never be able to redeem myself?
“Moderation is the way of life”
I once read this article when I was in Secondary school, I was inspired by it. I marvelled at its simplicity in life. Finally, I thought, I’ve found my way in life.
Since then, I started practicing everything in moderation. I don’t deny that sometimes I would go overboard. However, when I think of it now, isn’t over practicing moderation not moderate in the first place?
So, what have I been doing? Have I been living in a lie? What am I doing???

I hate myself.
But I do love myself, little insignificant parts of me.
Between these emotions…how am I going to live with myself?
How can I find someone who loves me when I couldn’t do so myself?
When will I attain peace?
When can I look into the mirror and not be disgusted by myself?
When can I finally find myself in a life of moderation?
Someone…please guide me…