You were known as T.V’s Mr. Nasty

Though I feel that you’ve gone a bit soft

A self-made man, you’ve done so well

You can hold your head aloft

For me you have the X Factor

Just one thing that I need to know

What the hell ever possessed you

To have Louis Walsh on your fabulous show.

With your pearly whites and charisma

No-one could ever doubt

You know how to get what you want from life

You know what success is about

So do us all a favour

Take my advice, I’m your no.1 fan

Ditch Louis, he’ll do you no favours

He’s a clueless and pointless wee man.

You don’t need this buffoon as your sidekick

Drop Cheryl as well, she’s a flooze

Keep Dannii cos she is a diamond

Go on Simon, you’ve nothing to lose.

And yes I’ve thought of replacements

I’ll be honest I’ve nothing to tell

Just make sure not to use Piers Morgan

Cos like Louis, he’s clueless as well.