Late at night this Monday night
and rest cannot find me.
I’m not sure which thoughts
are the ones which keep my eyes wide shut the most.
I’m not sure which nightmares
leave me restless to avoid.
And I’m not sure which song
is the song that is going to help me
write these words the best.
But I do know one thing-
I know a few more things than I knew yesterday.
And these things are the things I will hold on to
to make my world just a little bit better of a place
everyday, every day.
It may take the small things now to connect
to the ones I love
it may take visualizing me being with them,
being with them again, with him again.
It may take more.
But maybe I’m ready.
Stop, listen
find yourself with me and him and Miles…
The jazz is brilliant and the trumpet pierces
throughout the dark room
the smell of smoke, cigars,
the taste of Cabernet across my tongue.
My legs are crossed.
Dad in his suit, finger tapping on the table
Tap-tap-tap tapp-tapitty-tap-tap-tap
We both nod to the sounds of the pianist’s keys
and dad says, “Hey Jen, what do ya say we do something
together like this someday?” (Pointing at the musicians)
“Right, dad,” I say. He smiles like he knows he means it.
Could you see us?
I’m sure I would have worn a red dress.
But my legs ache and my mind is tired
it’s hard to find the moments within moments
to connect with the important things.
And I want to find comfort in seeing myself there
I want to know that he is here with me
that all of those I love can be near me always.
All of us do.
I can’t help but finding myself wanting a little bit more.
Just a little bit more.