Walking up to my midwifes appointment, aged 18.
A whistle called out i turn around, workmen smiling.
I’m pregnant! i yelled, big smile across my face!!
I was so happy.
I would meet my mum in town and she would buy the odd baby grow.
Seeing her excited was great!
One night, i went to the toilet, noticed a spot of blood.
‘Sometimes it happens early on, nothing to worry about’ they said.
I went to the doctors, just to be sure. They took me into the scanning room.
My heart beating fast. The sick in the back of my throat ready to come out.
‘This might feel a bit cold, ok’ She said politely
But all i was doing was screaming in my head
‘Stop it, Stop that scan from happening.’
I watched her face. To see any tell tale signs. I needed to know.
‘I am so so sorry .. ‘ Was all i heard .
The tears flooded, my chest beating up and down up and down,
I need him, i need him now, i ran to the phone and rang Michael.
‘Ive lost it’ was all i could get out.
I needed a D n C, i had to go straight on.
After that i was numb, I had no feelings for a while.
I went on holiday with Mike and his family.
My baby was dead
‘At least you was only 4 months gone’
‘So what, it was MY baby’ i would cry.
It happened once more, then i gave birth to my premature baby girl, Leah
3lb 9oz, she was little doll.                                                                                   

I never bonded with her at first due to the incubator.
I didn’t bond with her for ages after she was home, i found it hard.
I eventually did bond with her, but the time flies and you think where has her baby days gone? my god, i look at her sometimes and want to cry, i love her so much.
Two more miscarriages i had before i had Lucas, 7lb 8oz. I bonded straight away with him, as he was at my bedside.
I feel a loss, a loss of my babies, the only thing keeping me going is knowing they are up there with god, and my grandma. Some people can’t understand, some would say ’they were only classed as feotus’.
When i hear of stillborns, i feel like crying for them, my pain was unbearable, but theirs must be pure torture.
My angel babies are waiting for me, and i will meet them one day, i have two wonderful children, there are hard times, but i wouldn’t change it. I often think of what my other babies would have been like, i am saddened they didn’t get a chance, but i am starting to believe everything happens for a reason.