My bald head:

idolizes Kareem Abdul Jabbar and not for his basketball skills

has sexual fetishes with bowling and billiard balls

gets bright red mad with the sun

reminisces about greener pastures

is jealous of back and body hair

thinks combs and brushes are antiques to collect

uses baseball caps as condoms

is searching for a new look but cannot find one

thinks that toupees are a cruel joke and are not amused.

has too many twins in the world and is not easily identified. 

has shampoo withdrawal.

cannot find any of its missing parts at the lost and found.

gets depressed with bathroom drains. 

wonders why me?

is looking for Mrs. Clean.