I need my middle.
I need my plateau.
I need my coast,
I need my cruise control
I need my seal level.

For I’m swinging,
swinging back and forth.
Quickly-
suddenly
and out of control.
Like a pendulum.

I have no preparation,
and little estimation.
One day I’m seizing with passion
and the next day I regret my life.
I swing up
as though recovery is worth it,
I deserve healthy things,
I feel healthy
and feel alive.
Then I swing back
quickly,
like a blur
I feel like I’m going to snap
I cannot breathe
I’m using my addictions
and I feel very, very sick.

And this is a tease,
this is unfair,
this makes me dizzy,
nauseous
and frustrated.
This isn’t a roller coaster
roller coaster’s only go forward
and I go back
I go forward
back
forward
back
forward;
a pendulum-
acting as recovery in disguise.