Cover of Holy Bible: 10th Anniversary Edition

“Please Humor Me on My Seventy-Fifth Birthday”

This week is the thirty-fifth anniversary
Of my half-forgotten seventy-fifth birthday;
Best friend, you frowned and said I’m crazy–
Seventy-four plus one, how can that be?

A hundred and fifty is truly old to me;
Since I’m seventy-five I’m middle-aged only, 
But in body and spirit I shall forever be
A young lady, a young lady, a young lady….

At the rate I’ve overstayed at thirty-five, b
I’m sure I’ll never live up to seventy-five;
My friend, you know how you can drive
The mind to make a U-turn if you tried.

Now that I’ve approached my second thirty-five
You’ll wonder to which direction I will drive,
My age is my business so it makes no sense
To ask how I can change from present tense to pretense.

I take care not to commit a crime to avoid the witness stand
And swear by the Bible at the clever Judge’s command-
“Miss, state your age, tell the truth and nothing but the truth”
Into that tender trap I don’t want to get caught.

One time I joined a Philippine beauty contest
And came down with offers from a plastic surgeon and a dentist ,
But I said, don’t bother, for I look real and normal on Halloween
Because in my heart of hearts I feel I’m a beauty queen.

I’ve instructed in my Last Will to my family
Not to post my birth date on my obituary,
No pealing elegy and engraved epitaph for me,
An unmarked cross will do to show that I passed away.

Oh, these crazy birthdays are a real birthdaze,
For one thing I fear my candles would set off a blaze,
Or inspire my white well-wishers with a suntan craze,
Or drive me and the plastic surgeon on a merry chase. ###