Introduction: When couples fight, do they fight fair? Here is my pledge to my husband to strive to not go into victim or victimizer mode in the future. Instead, I will look to see what he and I, singularly and collectively, can learn from this experience.

When I have been unjust or unfeeling or unthinking

or too much caught up in my do list, my preferences,

my likes, my dislikes, my, me, mine, myself, I

without consciously meaning to

or intending to have it be taken or perceived that way,

you, in the past, have responded with hurt and anger.

This, for you, was like déjà vu.

Somebody, sometime, pushed that same button

again and again.

You felt yourself finally free of this person

and that negative experience.

Then without meaning to or intending it to do harm,

I find, to my despair, that I have hurt you.

How I regret that what I did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say

caused you even a single moment of pain.

In the past, it would make me pause and wonder

that perhaps I was not capable of making you long-time happy

if, just by being me, I was accidentally causing you

unhappiness or despair or pain.

I would speak out loud my own feeling of fear

and pessimism and regret.

I might say, “Why are you even with me?”

Or “Do you want me to leave?”

You would get even more frustrated and angry.

You would feel, I see now, like I was not fighting fair.

I immediately went into victim-ing mode.

There is a fine line between feeling victimized

and making another to feel victimized.

So, who is to blame?

Am I to blame and I should feel like a victim?

Do I blame you for being overly sensitive

just because there’s no more give in that particular button?

If I blame you, the roles are reversed,

for I suddenly become the victimizer and the blamer.

Perhaps I need to step back,

or we both need to step back,

and say, in an objective and curious kind of way,

WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM THIS SITUATION

so that it does not repeat itself

at a future time in a future place?

We both take some time to calmly reflect.

Then we bring that calm singular reflection

to a calm collective consciousness

so that we both can feel more solidified and cemented together.

For after all, you are my love, my husband,

my lover, and my best friend.

I am your love, your wife, your lover, and your best friend.

The conclusion?

Neither of us should play the victim role.

Neither of us should play the victimizer role.

Neither of us should play the blame game.

Instead, strive to calmly express

that a particular action or way of self-expression

is inflicting a feeling of pain or a feeling of being abandoned

or a feeling of being neglected

or some other form of feeling less-than.

Then we can singularly and collectively reflect

on how we can improve this situation

so that both of us feel valued and loved and protected and safe

within the confines of our marital state.

So in this period of our marriage

when it is flowing smoothly with no troubled waters,

I come to this realization

so should a day come

when our harmonizing together goes either flat or sour,

we can find a way to mend the discord

in a swifter, more loving, and more harmonious fashion.

This is my pledge to you.