Shopping in Harold’s square one weekend.  Ballet classes.

That week in Austin.  Her first day of school.  Chorus

recitals.  Our honey moon in Venice.  Your thirty-fifth in

Vegas.  The magic Hollywood tries to capture and

everyone dreams of having at least once in their lifetime. 

You sit there as though none of it matters to you.  I want to know how you can look at me as though you’ve never seen me before.  How dare you act like you don’t know me!  I can’t stand it anymore!

I run over and say:  I want it back.  I want her.  You.  The long walks.  The movies.  Hours in the park.  Bedtime stories.  School plays.  All of it!  Do you hear me?! 

I am inches from your, I mean his, face.  I am unsure how I got there but, I can see now that his nose does not have the bend in the bridge where you broke yours playing soccer in seventh grade.  I realize I have never screamed at you like that in all of the nine years we were together.  People stare.  Some have looks of concern, others shock and awe.  The manager places a hand on my shoulder and asks if I need help.  Yes.  I want to forget this life.  Why hasn’t time erased them?  Nothing makes sense.  Why must it slice through me, like a blade deep in my chest, every time I breathe?  Every second of every waking moment burns like the end of a cigarette in my skin. 

I fall to my knees.  Blackness consumes me…                                                                                   

Asphalt shredded tires

screeched for miles,

metal on metal scraped, burned

blacktop, glass shattered and rained,

poured down from everywhere. 

Nowhere.

It came out of nowhere. 

Motors burned at highest speed while

sirens screamed

through the black of night

in fervent search of any and all

death;

my soul mate,

my daughter,

my life.

The streets and sky

blended together.  United. 

Scarred. 

Marred by an intense crimson fluidity,

a union that flowed

and flowed,

and flowed. 

Everywhere. 

Nowhere.

You are both gone. 

I see you everywhere.  But, you are nowhere.   A life without you, without either of you, is not real. This is not living. 

            I don’t remind myself to breathe and pray no one wakes me.  I welcome the dark where I hope to find you, both of you.  I ache to hear her laughter and bask in the glow of your glorious smile, once more.