I’m trembling 

These hands are shaking

My mind is racing

I need something

But t takes more than a substance

a quick fix

nice mix of  booze

to take me away

Sway my thoughts

bring me to a place

where I can create

where I can be praised.

But I realize it takes more.

It takes more than a pair of eyes

Unless those eyes are staring back at me

in a mirror twice my size

In my search I often forget

I’m not the only one looking for happiness

Not the first guy to try and try

to find a smile within myself

or fucking fix my mental health

re-arrange my thoughts

take a pill to change my perceptions

These pills are no good

pharmaceutical solutions 

for practical delusions

Doctor I need a pill

A pill that makes me move

A pill that makes me perceive

to the standards you believe

are correct

A pill to turn me on

but most of all I expect

the pill to turn me off

Sleep deprived I float through my day

Terrified I analyze my brain

I can’t decide who is to blame

In search of my smile always

But I’m here

Welcome to Los Angeles 

The pretty parade

the masquerade

of face lifts

hipster kids

Electro riffs

left wing activists

the conservatives

In search of this

Happiness

I’ll take that drink now

that quick fix

What is happiness

Universally can we all be happy?

I don’t know

We disagree

No two can see

Eye to eye

although we try

Most of us try

I’m self concerned

Does that make me selfish

Self absorbed

Self centered

Self indulging

I’m unfolding

The note she wrote

with my name written on it

Did she write me a sonnet?

To Zachary

From the one who loves you

It’s not the note I thought it was

I love you

I’ll always love you

But…

This is the revolution of recreational revelations 

Becoming self aware 

Has become so fucking rare

But we try to know ourselves at least

Recollections of childhood

new connections I see that

The growing pains in my feet

match the growing pains of defeat

while the glowing frame that I see

represents the flowing range within me

coping with disaster 

I’m forgetting faster

who I lost last or

why I was sadder that day

and why I cry today for what has been gone

been absent for so long

meeting my match in the opposite sex

was not meeting a catch but meeting my match

to be put in place of disgrace

Despite the stories I read

With a truly happy end

she fucks with my head

and I don’t need that

I can’t have that

I’m afraid that I just fell in love

I don’t know why

I didn’t decide I would love her

But I do

This drink is for you

No.. this drink is for me

This life is mine

This sadness is mine

My happiness is mine

this fear of loss is mine

And that makes me smile

If just for a while

I can truly say

My trembling hands

are mine.