This is the sound of losing me.

These forced words, this stilted conversation,

Is my way of telling you goodbye.

I don’t want the pain of,

“We must part.”

I don’t want to be the one to end things.

I don’t want to say directly,

“This relationship is ending.”

So I let it fade.

I let it fade,

Into a fragment of what was,

Making room for what will be–

What is that, exactly?

Not you, surely not you.

You are bad for me,

My poison, staying friends will only contaminate me.

Don’t you need me, though?

Don’t you need a friend,

Just as I need someone to talk to?

Don’t you need someone to lean on,

Someone to share secrets with?

Still, if I’m the only one working, this relationship cannot go on.

I cannot always be the one who calls,

The one who reaches out.

I cannot always take the blame,

I cannot always take whatever you throw without a murmur.

I cannot always stand by and watch you destroy yourself.

I cannot always be your friend.

What, then?

Is this cowardice?

Maybe so.

Maybe I’m simply running away again,

Instead of fixing things.

Maybe.

No, probably;

Probably you need a friend.

Probably you would be hurt by my loss,

Probably you need me more than I need you, though you don’t show it.

Probably.

Yet…

You need to lift me up.

You need to take the initiative, you need to be the supportive one.

You need to not weigh me down with sarcasm, negativity, depression, anxiety.

I am willing–very willing–to take those burdens for you–perhaps too much so.

Yet I have a limit, and I cannot take everything; especially if you receive nothing in return.

For this to continue, I need to know that I am worth something to you.

I need to know that I am precious, that I am beautiful, that I am worth seeking out.

I need you to pursue me.

I need you to pursue me as ardently as a hunter pursues small prey–

Not the big ones, mind you; for I am probably not the catch of your life.  That is for another.

Yet I need to pursued with almost as much fervor, with almost as much passion.

I need to be pursued in something of the way you would pursue a lover.

Whether I become that to you or not does not matter.

I need you just as much as you need me.