Thinking about drugs and the
emphasis I put on them,
such as
“I have to use”
how am I gonna get high 2day
or the foreboding never ending fear
of the junkies worst scenario:
waking up dry and no money to score.
Everything revolved around oxycontin.
By itself it’s just a .3 gram
compressed powder green pill
but when I use it – it comes alive.
I give it power
I let it control me
I steal for it
I make it invaluable
I make it the center of my universe.
The drug itself is nothing.
I am the addiction.
What would it be like if I put
as much into other decisions
as I did into gettin high?
Say doing the laundry,
I think, no I know it would be a little
something like this:
Wake up and all I can think
about is washing clothes
how am I gonna get some detergent
what will I wash
what cycle will I use
what water temp will be the best
will I have enough clothes to wash
should I do more
what are my clothes gonna
feel like
smell like
look like
when they’re done
I would then proceed to sit
around all day fantasizing about all my laundry
my sweet precious wonderful laundry
the only thing in the world that understands me.
I love you laundry.
I’m gonna do laundry forever I’d say.
Then when people came over
I’d hide my clothes from them
immediately blurt out before they even asked
“I ain’t doin no laundry
why don’t you believe me!”
I’d hate them for coming over
all I wanted was to pick delicates or regular dry temp
why are they here
they don’t understand
then when my
coworker
mom
brother
girlfriend
best friend
bill collector
anyone
called for a legitimate reason
I’d be skeptical
why they calling? do they know
about my laundry
even though I’m on the phone
I’d look in the mirror
to see if you can tell I’d been washing clothes
do I have a bounce sheet stuck to my leg
perhaps some soap on my face
as if you can see me on the phone
back to the phone, must pay
attention or they’ll find out
that I’m knee deep in my 5th
spin cycle of the day and its never enough
I would then proceed to
either
lie
cheat
connive
manipulate
use
or destroy
most likely all of the above
to provide means to do more laundry.
this conversation is taking to long.
must get back to the laundry
I love you laundry
laundry that knows what I need
laundry that just wants me to
be happy and clean
why does nobody else get that?
the cold thing about it is
laundry makes me
depressed
oppressed
devalued
angry
hateful
cry
lost
suicidal
but I couldn’t tell my laundry that.
I must be mistaken.
I must do some more laundry
then I’ll feel better.
one day I’ll move on to dry cleaning
any day
I don’t need to do laundry.
I want to.
I could stop whenever.
It’s not that bad
I mean everyone does laundry right
and no matter what
it would never be enough
and it would never satisfy
clothes would never come out
wrinkle free the way I
imagined they would
never be clean
always
needing
always
taking
always
pain
always
the same
you might think that this is
silly and ridiculous
and it is
its what we addicts do
the disease is in
us
a
part of us
its not the drug
its the
addict
if anyone tells you
different
drug test em