You know…
when I used to look at this
all through different eyes
things were simpler to analyze.
Complicated, yet simpler.

And I was able to analyze them because
I could twist this analysis in my mind,
fantasize, strategize,
ponder, wonder, and try harder,
pull, plug and even tamely plot.

But now-strangely simpler
I leave it to Jesus because
I have no say (really why would I?)
He knows what I need.

But let me say this-
because I am stubborn
and because I still want to see what
is happening all on paper,
on this page (and oh maybe)
my Father God will read through it
and further understand my pain.
But he does understand my pain.
He does. He does Jen.
He knows what you’re going to write now
before you even write it.

Well let me say this-
I knew going into this relationship
with the Lord Jesus that it would
have its feel good frenzy at first
and then to be cautious of the warfare to come.
I knew. I knew. Sure I knew.

But how could I know?
I mean did I know?
Just like when I thought I knew of Jesus all of those years,
thought I was a Christian
and then suddenly realized I knew of him
I didn’t know him.

And so I knew of the circumstances coming into this,
I knew of the battles I may have to endure.
I had endured many alone in the darkness,
now I would endure them in the suited armor of Jesus-
tell me these circumstances would not be much more.
Or perhaps,
always thinking I am prepared for battle
I did not look above the hills.

But then one by one
the battles began.
Some small and without
easy recognizable threat signals.
I lost them quickly.
Another large battle approached
and it was familiar and uncomplicated
and the company was trouble free
so I lost another.

Caution. Caution. Caution.
And FLAGS. Finally my mind,
my spirit, my Jesus Saved Soul
called out His name.
This isn’t what you thought Jen.

It may never be what I thought again.
From there the battles continued
with never a break,
never an ease
hitting the most sensitive parts my soul
cutting quick in on my most
tempted flesh of this world.
Would I take it?
I asked myself many times.
I wondered when it was that strong,
when I would pray,
go back into scripture
and still come back to my gateway
wide open. The path open to destruction.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I wanted to scream.
But instead, one by one
Jesus would step in
the Holy Spirit would put me at ease.

He has not forsaken me.
He promises he will not leave me.
But yet I feel like I have lost so much
even if it is for this gain.
This gain for my relationship,
this gain towards obedience.
This gain to find life
walking the narrow path.