Well, Deric, (or is it Eric?) that certainly has its message on its sleeve, and is fairly well ordered. From this one I see that you have a strength in knowing your theme before you write, and it seems like you know exactly what you want to say within that theme. Good job on that; not many people have an idea on how to work with theme.

I have a few suggestions for you though:

It’s a good thing to have persistance and to take courage in times of stress and to have confidence in yourself in spite of adversity. However, I think your message is heavy on the front end. It’s too much on the offense. It’s not grounded within the framework of it. What I mean is: while it’s good to have the courage to rise above the circumstance, it’s important to remember yourself in it. You may lay claim to your confidence, but instead of tapping into the humanity of it, you have brought out its extremity —arrogance and pretension. It comes off as pretentious because of lines 2, 5-6, and 14, 15, 16. Remember that humility is a sign of proper pride, that in rising above you must first learn how to use your wings, that in such a lesson you also must remember that because you are above does not make you better, and, more importantly: poetry is not a podium. Keep your message at the heart of something else. Your theme should be buried within the material you have, not vice versa.

There are a few spelling errors (explanatory, positively & hatred), and lots of grammar errors (involving capitalization, commas, and lack of colons, semi-colons and em-dashes where they’re needed).

You also have missed out on the importance of meter, so, even though this rhymes, this is not a poem, it’s a free form. If you don’t understand why I would say that, please read my World of Poetry 3 article on The Free Form.

You are a writer, so your attitude about learning your English should be representative of that fact, so I encourage you to take an interest in words and how to organize them in metrical patterns. Poetry is at the pinnacle of the writing endeavor; it requires a fuller understanding of the language. That is why writing poetry is not cut out for just anyone. The average person doesn’t understand the purpose of the written word, leave alone poetry. It takes much practice and hundreds of hours (if not thousands) dedicated to reading and writing in order to get any good at grammar. But, if you love to write, then you’ll succeed if you have the determination. Most people who love to read may want to be writers, but it takes a love of writing in order to get good at it. According to your profile, you have that, so keep at it, good luck, and God bless. May you meet with success in your future writing. Take care.

Oops, I misspelled persistence.

I absolutely loved it. It is such a powerful and intense poem. There are a few grammar mistakes, but I believe poetry should be about conveying a message and you definitely did that. Loved to read more