The halls of hell are empty

and the fires are burning low

no screams of pain are rising up

from the torture rooms far below

the infernal pit lies quiet

though it’s difficult to perceive

and the demon who works reception’s

on a days extended leave

the iron maiden’s empty

whilst the rack lies still once more

and the poker (used for private means)

lies cooling in its drawer

the arrivals gate is bolted shut

for there’s a lack of transportation

as the trains that run from hell and back

lie dormant in the station

but listen very carefully

and you might just hear the sound

the sound of an orchestra tuning up

in a room, hidden deep underground

so just follow the spiralling staircase

that cuts deep to the earth’s very core

and descend to the bottom most level of hell

’til you come to a large wooden door

for its here that the nights entertainment

has assembled from miles around

to be here tonight for this wondrous event

in this room, hidden deep underground

there are monsters from myths and from legends

and the ones who lurk under your bed

and the corpses of things from a time long ago

that were previously thought to be dead

there are suckers and hooves and tentacles

and talons and wings and claws

and what look like a creature with seventeen arms

checking ticket stubs just by the door

theres a terrible smell in the foyer

and a layer of slime on the walls

and something that’s probably best left alone

that’s decaying in one of the stalls

cos it’s a symphony for the devil

a tyrannical tour de force

a malevolent magnum opus

a refrain of deep remorse

a march for mephistopheles

a peculiar parade

a fanfare for the fallen one

a satanic seranade

a lullaby for lucifer

and a sonata for our sins

so if everyone is comfortable

then good, we shall begin…

there’s a skeleton on saxophone

a boogeyman on bassoon

and a demon on the double bass

who’s slightly out of tune

there’s a mummy on maracas

(he’s some famous dead egyptian)

and something on the theremin

with a face beyond description

there’s a kelpie on the keyboard

and a gargoyle with a gong

and a scintillating siren

with a supernatural song

there’s a banshee on the banjo

who’s a dedicated goth

and a zombie on the xylophone

whose arms keep dropping off

there’s an ogre on the oboe

with a stony-faced complexion

and medusa on the mandolin

who’s afraid of her own reflection

there’s a dwarf who plays the drum machine

with fearsome armour plating

and the creature from the black lagoon

who’s slowly dehydrating

a reaper on recorder

a chimera on the chimes

and a yeti on euphonium

who’s used to cooler climes

there’s a werewolf on the wurlitzer

with a bite to match his bark

and a vampire on the violin

who’s sat cowering in the dark

theres a mermaid on marimba

and a basilisk on bass

and an alien on acordion

who’s dropped in from outer space

there’s a minotaur on the microphone

who’s struggling with his lines

and i’m told the invisible man’s there too

but your guess is as good as mine!

a troll who plays the trumpet

a cyclops on sitar

a harpy on the harpsichord

and a goblin on guitar

a wyvern on the whistle

and a phantom on the flute

a poltergeist on piccolo

and a leprechaun on the lute

a satyr on the stylophone

a kraken on kazoo

a centaur on the cymbals

and a dragon on didgeredoo

cos it’s a symphony for the devil

a most sinister celebration

a creature feature far and beyond

your wildest imagination

an orchestra of oppression

an arrangement for auld nick

a monumental monster mash

a suite to make you sick

a reprehensible requiem

a fugue so full of fright

a ballad for Beelzebub

but it’s only for tonight

then the halls of hell shall fill once more

and the fires shall rise again

and the torture rooms deep underground

will come alive with the screams of pain

the temperature will rise once more

and the infernal pit will boil

then the demon who works reception

will be burning the midnight oil

there’ll be queues for the iron maiden

whilst the rack will creak once more

and the poker (used for private means)

will leave everyone feeling sore!

the arrivals gate will open wide

as the great inferno beckons

the souls arriving on trains precisely

every thirty seconds

but just for tonight it’s the devil’s night off

as hell fills with the wonderful sound

of this ominous orchestra, far and away

it’s the hottest ticket in town!