It was his birthday party I thought a good cause

Until I came home and in the street I did pause

As a streaker ran past to a round of applause

I feared the worst as I headed indoors.

Rubbish lay strewn all over the place

My kitchen knee deep in cans an utter disgrace

Worse was to come when I spotted a photo of my face

Someone had added horns, a new Banksy in place

Dreaded loud music then assaulted my ears

When I entered the lounge I met my worst fears

Instead of dancing to that rave music fad

Scantily dressed people were behaving quite bad.

That quiet girl from next door, wasn’t so prim after-all

She jumped up rather quick, looking wide-eyed and sick

Introducing herself she braisoned it out

She’ll not be left on the shelf of that I’ve no doubt!

I reached for the main light to improve my darkened view

But then came further gasps seeing biology anew

Who is that lad naked as the day he was born?

Oh no it’s the paperboy who cuts across our lawn.

Hardly awake, he waved for politeness sake

The writing on his forehead had an obvious spelling mistake

As people moved and separated like entwined snakes

I removed myself the only decent option I could think to take.

I’m not sure who was blushing more

Me or the girl I recognise from the Fair-Trade stall

Her father’s the new vicar you see

He’ll be doing more than preaching after tomorrows visit from me

The conservatory was on my list next

When I looked at the windows I turned rather vexed

You see some bright spark had found the spray cream

And ‘HAVE A NICE DAY’ was dripping down like windowleen

Popping streamers lay all over the place

Party food stamped into my carpet showed bad grace

But what had my temper far from abating

Was my big knickers on the ceiling fan, slowly rotating!

The hunt was on for the main culprit next

My son would be paying for this in Old Testament text

I heard a noise from the toilet so loud

It would have made Orca the whale proud

Yes it was my darling son

Too sick to realise I’d come home and spoilt the party  fun

He looked so ill a shade of  dark  grey

An early hangover already showing him the error of his ways

I walked exhausted into my bedroom to recover

Who did I see but my newly divorced mother with a new lover

Upon the piles of coats they lay

With her new fake tan wholly on display!

‘Oh sorry I can explain’ said the look upon her face

But I just looked on in stunned and  utter disgrace

Then I saw to my horror and wished for some mistake

This muscled man was the window cleaner, new to our estate.

Well he can jolly well take us off his cleaning round

As it’s obvious  it’s not just dirty windows in our house that he has found!

So it’s with a heavy heart, the cleaning up I now must start

Unhappy it’s true to say, all this happened when I was away

The truth, my friends’ rival party was a world apart

Just standing sedate surrounded by boring farts

Now I realise I made the wrong call

Falling from grace is more fun than not falling at all

For the rest of the year party celebrations will be a riotous ball

Making fun memories we will happily recall.