THE FIRST BROKEN PROMISE (for my Christopher)

Oh my beautiful son I know

that your heart has been scarred, broken,

and I would give all I now have, all my remaining days

to make it whole,

Oh my beautiful baby I said to you

when you were only six hours old

content and blissfully unaware of what fate had in mind

loved full of peace at your mother’s side,

I said to you, I whispered in your tiny soft ear

words of protection, safety,

from all things everything bad and wrong in the world,

I spoke softly of maternal gifts – steadfast

devotion and consistency and sacrifice and priority,

I told you that your life would be filled

with bounty and blessings, affirmation, nurtured growth,

I promised oh I promised

that you would never know longing

that you would never be lonely or left or alone,

Oh my beautiful child it turned out

I did not could not shield you

from pain fear loss harm heartbreak myself,

this shameful failure, your birthright denied you by

my selfishness, my unslayed dragons, my unresolved past,

completely irrelevant to your cherished existence

but affecting you even so,

I failed miserably this miserable failure

sits in the pit of my soul, like winter dark and cold,

Oh my beautiful boy I said

I said that if ever it was necessary I would gladly

gladly give my life for yours,

I want you to know

beautiful beautiful son

this is a promise

I would give my battered soul to keep

and you are important valued loved, so loved,

undyingly unconditionally loved,

adored and forever loved

by your oh-so-imperfect mother.

May 13, 2010