No, please.

You can’t.

Because it can’t.

Because I can’t.

Please.

You were a rock for me.

A place to lay down,

to breathe.

And you always understood.

But now you can’t.  You are incapable.

No, please—

it can’t be this way.

For now the struggle is knee-deep.

I see them

more than ever now

(triggers)

because now I think of them.

I want them and I can’t.

Please. No. Please.

I do not ever, ever

want to spiral downwards again.

My anger at you,

my sadness, my loss

is floating

and I just want to run away

from all of my dreams.

But I won’t.

You can’t.

Because it can’t stop me.

Because I can’t let it this time.

You must see.

It’s not about you, it’s about ME.

And I WANT TO LIVE.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF TAKING THINGS OUT ON MYSELF

BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE HAS HURT ME.

Please. Lord. Be my rock,

let me lay down in your holy space.

And take this anger away.

October 8, 2009