I strolled down to the Sea of What Ifs
Not looking to swim just dip my toes
But the Sea wanted more of me
And sent a wave to swallow me whole

The Sea forces water into my mouth
I need to swallow or I’ll drown
What if my mom never kicked me out?
Would I still have learned the streets?
Would I have stayed homeless for seven years?
Would I have stayed living in a van with a meth head?
Or would I have stayed innocent, unmarked with no scars?

Another gulp brings another thought.
To struggle and fight would be useless
What if my son didn’t get leukemia?
Would he still have died at three?
Would I have stayed with his father so long?
Would I still feel like I did something wrong?
Would I spend years angry with God?

I have now given in to the will of this Sea.
I am not struggling just floating helplessly
What if my sister was less selfish?
Would she have given up her children?
Would I be a childless professional?
The happy aunt everyone loves
Would I even take in fosters?
Would I realize how much love I have to give?

The Sea of What Ifs is now done with me
It washes me ashore and lets me cry
I feel so humbled by what could have been
It is not good to dwell on such things.
I pick up myself and go back to reality