Oops I got caught being rebellious and doing these random things at Hogwarts. I’ve made a list of "don’t" for future refernce.
I willnot poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I
insist that their House colors indicate that they are “covered in
bees”.
No matter how good a fake Australian
accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical
Creatures class.
Growing
marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra credit project
for Herbology”.
“I’ve
heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a
challenge.
Putting
up Doug Henning posters in Filch’s office is not appropriate.
I
will not go to class skyclad.
The
Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
I
will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was
hardcore”.
I
will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an
eyeful”.
Polishing
my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in
the common room is not.
If a
classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a
Dark Mark on their arm.
House
elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
Starting
a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against Dark Arts
teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
I
will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s
project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
“Liften
Separatis Crotchum” is not a real spell.
I
will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
Seamus
Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.
I
will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.
I
will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.
I
will not call the Defense Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is
wearing an orange anorak.
There
is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
I
will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.
I
will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
I
will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
Tricking
a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine,
even if I yell “Pwned!”
I am
not a sloth Animagus.
I am
not a tribble Animagus.
I am
allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a
reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.
I do
not weight the same as a duck.
Remus
Lupin does not want a flea collar.
I do
not have a Dalek Patronus.
I
will not lick Trevor.
I
will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
The
Ravenclaws are not “Mentats in training”.
Any
resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
I
will not change the password to the prefects’ bath to “Makes getting
clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.
There
is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
Professor
Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as “Admiral Naismith”.
Asking
“How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is
only funny the first time.
I
will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
I
will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
It
is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
It
is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too
seriously.
I am
not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death
Eaters.
I
will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
I
will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number
Nine”.
I
will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
I
will not teach the first-years to sing “A Wizard’s Staff Has A Knob
On The End”.
If
Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so
already.
I
will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
I am not to
tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans taste
better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.
Substituting
Immac for Slixslelox in Draco Malfoy’s shampoo container is a childish and
irresponsible act.
After the last
unfortunate experience, I will not take the Hogwarts house-elves to see
“Dumbo” as their Christmas treat. Furthermore, I will remember
to put trampolines below the Astronomy Tower in case I momentarily
overlook the first part of this resolution.
I will not
arrange for a DVD of “This Is Spinal Tap” and a drum kit to be
sitting in the DADA Professor’s room on 1 September as a “Welcome To
Hogwarts” Present.
I will not
under any circumstances as Harry Potter how died and made him boss.
I will not
sing “We’re off to see the wizard” when sent to the Head master’s office.
Calling the
Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghost and
poltergeists.
Brining
fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
I will not
bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
I will not use
Chrookshanks as a footstool.
If the thought
of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I
am not allowed to do it.
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