I only smoke when I’m on fire

I only drink the stuff that can’t

Take the polish off my nails

(Besides Mountain Dew)

I switched my sister’s sherry

With a Shirley Temple

She was way too drunk to notice.

I streaked when I was two years old.

I find my own adventures,

Sometimes in my dreams.

I can get drunk off Sprite

‘Cause my life’s torn at the seams.

My life’s a summer pair of jeans,

Hanging on the line.

You hope they don’t get stolen,

But if they’re gone,

Goodbye.