What is this unheavenly setting?

What happened to my need for guidance?

Did I just choose to fall?

I do not know, but it certainly seems like it.

Suddenly, because of life’s tribulations,

I have thrown myself into the lion’s den again

and I am praying for survival.

I did not need to be here. And yet,

here I am.

For everything I stand for,

for all things I have fought for—

I have chosen to be careless.

This carelessness was unsteady,

but with persistence

I have solidified its presence.

And I regret it.

I regret not staying righteous,

I regret the behaviors I have picked up

and continue on.

I let myself beat myself up again and again.

I see myself only doing wrong.

I feel undesired,

misused and left behind.

Why now, after all of my revelations with the Lord

do I look to myself, not to Him for comfort?

I should know better. And yet,

here I stand.

I wish for peace within myself,

and the will to carry on.

Carry on, and be strong.

Strength is something I have not known in quite a while.

November 13, 2009