I know I should accept it
I shouldn’t want for more.
That what he sees fit to give me
I should cherish and adore.
I have no right to want
more than what he gives.
I know I am unworthy
of even a life to live.
It doesn’t matter
how much of me loves him.
When all of me is worthless
I fail at every task.
So in my mind I want to punish
to rip open every vein.
To bleed out all the poison
to suffer for all the pain.
To cut out all the evil
the blackness that’s within.
To make me something special
that he wants and needs with him.
To be strong and good and giving.
To full fill his every need.
Not this ice cold
boring mistake
who deserves to be cut and to bleed.
I hate the person I keep seeing
in the mirror looking back.
All the things I feel I should be
are all the things that I lack.
Everyday I fail him
it kills me deep inside.
Does he stay because I scare him?
He thinks I’ll try to die.
For our kids I’ll stay together
so they won’t feel the need
to think they were responsible
for me causing myself to bleed.
So I have no right to want more
than anything he gives.
He gives more than I am worthy of
he is the joy in this life
I shouldn’t live.