What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

                              -rascal flatts-

Would you still stay by my side, if I tell you how I feel?

I know you only see me as a friend. And this hurts ten times fold.  I’d like to think that this is much better than you staying away from me, but deep into the recesses of my mind, I know that this is not the “better” that I really wanted to be in.  That I am only inching away from your reach as days go by.  I really want to tell you how I feel.  I really do.  But there’s always this nagging halo of fear trying to sneak out every time I try to form the words in my mouth.  And I just have to look the other way again, for the millionth time, and pretend that the idea never crossed my mind, not even in frantic passing.  I tell myself that this is already enough – with every gaze that you give my way and with every smile that you willingly share, yes this is already enough.  But would asking for more of these make me a criminal? Must I continue fooling myself that this is all I ever wanted? That this is already enough a nirvana for me?  Sometimes I wish you can just read my mind, so my love would no longer be walking on tiptoe every time you’re near, fearing you’ll change lane and walk the other way. If courage is up for sale then I would gladly walk the three-block distance to the nearest store just so I could be the first one to do the purchase. If only it was that simple.  But simple things are rarely simple at all but far more complicated than we imagine, than we perceive. A lot more with love and falling in love, and knowing that the love you’ve learned to nurture will never be reciprocated. And for this reason I feel lonely, knowing that you don’t really see me the way I want you to and never will. That nothing will ever change that. It hurts as hell to pretend that I only like you as a friend and nothing more. If only to have you stay by my side forever then I’ll choose to go on pretending. Just a glimpse of you, just a smile from you, yes this is already enough a nirvana for me.