I wrote this a while ago, I’m not actually sure when. I guess at the time I was too close to the feelings to post it, but now you can take it as a snapshot of my feelings at some point within the last year and a half.

To you I was maybe. And maybe was good, the hint of a promise. A possible future. But mostly I was now, today, there when you needed me. And you were there when I needed you too. But not enough, not all the way, never completely. You taught me how to love, but I could never teach you. It was always a conditional. If this much time passes. If this happens. If things work out.
I could never be you, wrapping my love in conditionals. Putting walls around a feeling. Right now, I can love only this much, no more. I can’t tell myself not to love until I’m a certain age, achieve a certain goal, pass a milestone. I couldn’t control it, contain it. Maybe that means my love was stronger than yours, maybe just that you are stronger than me.