If I could, I’d straighten you up
I’d pet the dog and all her pups
Make you feel warm and safe
and kill all the roaches we find in our place

I’d rotate the tires and clean your gun
and call your mother and tell her she’s fun
I’d clean the kitchen  and walk the dogs
and make you feel like less of a hog

I’d wash the chevy and mow the grass
I’d get new trailer windows made of glass

The bills’d get paid and the kids would eat                                                      

and I’d give you something to do besides sleep

I’d rock your world just like before
when you’d be yell’in to give you more
and we’d wake the kids up every night
and they’d end up cry’in cause we’d start a fight

I’d buy you a year’s worth of lottery tickets
and I’d finally find that big noisy cricket
I’d fill the car all the way up with gas
and I wouldn’t laugh at your big fat ass

I’d shine my shoes and take you to Denny’s
and we’d take the kids even though there’s too many
I’d shave the cat and shave my legs
I’d put sticky paper on the kitchen shelves  

I’d be nice to your friends that are stupid and mean
and dangle their smokes on lips of vaseline                                                                                                                             

I’d never make fun of the dirt ring around your neck
I’d even sleep with you whenever you wanna

I’d read the kids a bedtime story or two
of Cinderella getting money like I used to do
I would if I could I should as Robin Hood
but I can’t and I shan’t
cause you wear those fat circus pants