I sat down with my wife and kids to try and explain to my three sons about the facts of life. I was just trying to be a good american dad in my modern family.

The boys enthusiastically kicked their legs under the table. I said, “Woah! Curb your enthusiasm! I’m just trying to tell you about how I met your mother.”

I looked over at my wife and affectionately said, “I love Lucy.”

She whispered, “Why are you talking to me in third person in stead of directly to me?”

I shrugged.

The nanny walked to the counter and asked, “Mr. Belvedere, where are those silver spoons that Ellen likes to eat with?”

I looked at the sink and replied, “They are by the dish soap.”

Lucy asked, “Will you get back to the story? I’m mad about you never being able to finish a story.”

“Yes, Dear. That’s what I like about you. You always remind me who’s the boss.”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

I smiled. I love being a family guy. My friends call me Lucky Louie because I have everything I want. I own a home improvement business and I’m happily married…with children. I feel like I’m the king of the hill that we live on.”

My youngest son, Alf asked, “How did we get such a full house?”

“It’s like, you know…You three boys, your baby sister, your mom and I. Then there’s the hired help who all seem like family. Just the ten of us.”

I looked at Malcom in the middle of his brothers and asked, “Do you still have the Webster’s dictionary I let you borrow?”

Malcom shook his head, “I lost it.”

I said, “Get it back or get me another one unless you want to be grounded for life. I don’t even know why you need one. You’re the head of the class.” Then I realized I was just over reacting. “I’m sorry. Took me a minute to realize that this is a different world from what I grew up in. I could buy a whole store full of dictionaries now if I wanted to.”

I looked at the oldest boy and said,”Malcom…”

He raised his eyebrows. “Dad! My name is Earl!”

I could not believe I called him the wrong name. I loved my family but sometimes I just couldn’t wait for an empty nest.

Lucy asked, “Are you feeling alright? Should you go see Doogie Howser, MD?”

“No! He’s all the way in Cougar Town. We live in Green Acres. That’s 227 miles away. Besides, if I needed to see a doctor, I’d take a taxi to the one close in Spin City.”

“Okay. You just go on with the story now.”

I looked at my boys who were listening intently. “Before I owned my business I worked hard pulling weeds for a few years. That’s when it was just me, Mom, and you, Earl. My two dads were definitely the odd couple but they taught me to take it one day at a time and work hard. I got married ’til death and had my own business. Each of you kids started off as a small wonder.”

I looked at Lucy’s scrubs and remembered when she was just finishing medical school. I can’t believe I was ever lucky enough to get that girl.

I scratched my head. “Now, what was the entire point of this story?”

Lucy stood up. “I just don’t know anymore. I’m tired of waiting around for you to get to the point of any story.”

I stormed out of the room and shouted,”Well then, just shoot me!”