It will make you think….

There was no sense of time when the man woke up 

In a plain, strange white room

He tried without luck

To try and stand up

And was chained to the strange white room

Time passed slowly, as the man tried in vain

To get out of the cold white room

He pulled and he strained

And blood covered the chains

All to get out of the room

To be rid of the chains in this tomb

His heart was aflame 

With the guilt in his brain

From all of the sins he had done 

He knew he would die

He knew this for no lie

Like the ones given

So often in life

He lost all his hope, he cried and he died 

In the plain, strange white room

And then he woke up

O what glorious luck

It had been a dream of his own

He got up and stared

Wondering why he was scared

In his home, his own dark room

And with a cry of pain

Saw the wounds from the chains

And remembered the fear

That had come from in here

In his home, his own white room.

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Comments (6)
  • Brenda Nelson on May 19, 2011

    did he wake up in a plane, or plain, white room.

    You may want to edit and change plane to plain me thinks.

    Otherwise not a bad little poem

  • maranatha on May 20, 2011

    Interesting! Our own private little hell, built of self-guilt.

  • Stickinthemud on May 21, 2011

    You have promise, I’ll grant you that. But, to be honest, it didn’t make me think as much you would probably hope. I understand that in tying the nightmare to reality, you hoped to paint a picture of grim despair that was inescapable. However, no despair is inescapable, even if time is your only hope.

    Your title and the working of your theme here is unique, but your actual writing lacks verve. Poetry is supposed to be poetic, not bland. Inject more similes, metaphors, singular turns of phrase, etcetera, and your language usage will shine a little brighter. Find better words and wordings, submerge the context of your “poem” in the type of language that refers to its mood. Connotate, evoke. Try harder to make the images last.

    Also, I don’t mean to be too over-bearing, lol,… which I’ve probably done already,… but the rhyming and rhythm only reminded me of the way a rap song sounds: bunched up here and there just to get to a possible rhyme. Try not to use common rhymes, either.

    Other than that, good job. Keep writing, and have a good day.

  • Stickinthemud on May 21, 2011

    By the way, when I get stuck for a rhyme, I like using rhymezone.com … check it out.

  • kman91995 on May 21, 2011

    Hey man thanks, I really appreciate it. I’ll work on it :)

  • Jessica Louise on Jun 12, 2011

    Great imagery!

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