“Do you know WHO I AM?!?!”
— After killing a zombie. Possibly a reference to him co-creating the zombies.

“Excuse me, do you have the time? AHAHAHAHAHA!”
— After killing a zombie

“I long to bathe naked…in your blood!”
— After killing a zombie

“Rest in peace, my little undead friend.”
— After killing a zombie

“Stumpy was rude to the doctor. Stumpy paid the price.”
— After killing a zombie

“The Doctor prescribes you…. PAIN!!”
— After killing a zombie

“Who’s your daddy?”
— After killing a zombie

“You are my child. Bastard child, but child nonetheless.”
— After killing a zombie

“Doctor recommends AMPUTATION!”
— After gibbing a zombie

“So many body parts! I am in HEAVEN!!”
— After gibbing a zombie

“Ed wants your head!.”
— After getting a headshot

“Now let’s see you clap! Hahaha!”
— After shooting off a zombie’s arm

“Take your medicine, Child.”
— After getting a headshot

“You will not feed!”
— Killing a group of zombies, or getting a headshot

“This must be how Dempsey’s mother must have felt when he was born!”
— After being surrounded by zombies

“Let us all have a sing-along for the corpses”
— After a Monkey Bomb explodes

“No more monkey sing-along for the cadavers.”
— After a Monkey Bomb explodes

“Oh, my! It kills people! Brilliant!”
— After a Monkey Bomb explodes

“You cannot resist the power of the Wunderwaffe!”
— After getting several kills with the Wunderwaffe

Weapons and Mystery Box

“Excuse me, I have an apple to peel, Ones ADAM’S APPLE
— After purchasing the Bowie Knife

“Oh, it feels so good in my hands…”
— After getting the .357 Magnum

“Ooh Wunderwaffle!”
— After getting multiple kills with the DG-2

“To kill efficiently, ja! But with skill, no.”
— Upon receiving the FG42 from either the wall or the box.

“So much lead, for ze dead! Ahah! I’m a poet, and I didn’t know it, Ha!”
— After getting an Automatic or Shotgun out of the Mystery Box

“Ich bin… FUCKING ANGRY!”
— After getting Molotovs

“Maybe you move it because… you like me?”
— After getting the Teddy Bear in the Mystery Box

“Let Richtofen’s carnival of horrors begin!”
— After getting the Monkey Bomb

“Ooh, a cute little monkey bomb for ze doctor”
— After getting the Monkey Bomb

“Play the cymbals of death, my little monkey friend.”
— After getting the Monkey Bomb.

“I am useless!”
— After being low on/having no ammunition

“I need bullets to continue my work!”
— After being low on/having no ammunition

“AMMO FOR ZE DOCTOR!”
— After being low on/having no ammunition

“No ammo? NOOOOOO!”
— After being low on/having no ammunition

“There is NOTHING left!”
— After being low on/having no ammunition

“Without any bullets there can be no bullet wounds!”
— After being low on/having no ammunition

Perk-a-cola, Pack-a-Punch, and Teleporter

“Ahh, I love it. STAY AWAY THIS IS MINE!”
— After using the Pack-a-Punch Machine

“Attach part A to grommet B… Oh screw it, just press buttons!”
— After approaching a deactivated Teleporter

“Ahh it is still here!, err I mean what is this strange device?”
— After approaching a deactivated Teleporter

“Step one, activate teleporter, Step two, link it to the mainframe, Step three-Matter Transfer!”
— After activating a Teleporter

“If I remember correctly, we need to link it to the mainframe where we first started. Ohh I mean this is so confusing!”
— After activating a Teleporter

“If only Maxis were here to see this.”
— After activating a Teleporter

“Max Ammo Machine?! What a wonderful idea!”
— After buying the Amm-O-Matic, an unseen Perk Machine programmed into Der Riese.

Interactive

“A mere side-effect Russian. Everything is normal…”
— After Nikolai Belinski complains about the teleporter making him nauseous

“Fascinating creatures, don’t you think, Nikolai?”
— After Nikolai Belinski comments on the zombies

“Once again, Nikolai leads from the front.”
— After Nikolai Belinski gets a kill

“Dempsey, I am not your babysitter.”
— After Tank Dempsey gets downed

“Dempsey, when this is all over, I’m going to donate you to medical science.”
— After Tank Dempsey says something

“Look! The missing link! And he’s holding a monkey!”
— After witnessing someone getting the Monkey Bomb

“Aw nein. It seems sexy. Whatever.”
— After witnessing Tank Dempsey getting the Monkey Bomb

Other

“There is probably one big switch somewhere that powers EVERYTHING. We Germans are very efficient.”
— At the beginning of the game.

“Fluffy? Is that you?”
— At beginning of a Hellhound round. Refers to Samantha’s dog, Fluffy.

“I require more money!”
— After trying to buy something without enough money.

” I think this is called ze Mainframe. It needs power.”
— At the beginning of the game