As you sit down and relax, perhaps you can spare a moment open up a couple new fortune cookies.  Today, we have ten fortune cookie sayings from an accountant.

1.   You cannot include a mistress as a dependent.

2.   You are about to give your pound of flesh to the IRS.

3.   You cannot include your Barney Dinosaur CD collection as a deduction.

4.   You are about to receive a giant refund on your taxes.  Of course, pigs also fly, and donkeys kiss.

5.   You cannot include your pet skunk Whiffy as a dependent.

6.   Don’t tell lies when you itemize or else you might end up getting circumcised. 

7.   You cannot include your collection of fluff as a deduction.

8.   Never use an accountant to do your taxes that has the name of S. Cam Artiste.

9.   You cannot include used condoms as a deduction.

10. You cannot include Sam, the homeless vagrant who lives in an alley, as a dependent. 

11. April 15 is not the end of the world.  Your audit next week is the end of your world.

12. You cannot include your trip to the City dump as an expense.

13. You get a huge tax break from all the losses you suffered in the stock market.  Go ahead and cheer.  Of course, you also lost your home, your marriage, and your little dog Fifi, but who cares.  You get money back from the IRS!

14. You cannot include playing chess with your cousin on a weekly basis as an expense.

15. The sweating over your taxes is about to be over.  You are about to replace the sweating with endless fear.

16. You cannot include your wife’s false teeth as a deduction.

17. Red Rover, Red Rover, let the IRS come over.

18. You cannot include warped records as an expense.

19. Your trip to the illicit massage parlor cannot be used as an expense.

20. Santa Claus is really an IRS agent.  He’s decided to punish you because you have been naughty.