Captain Quirk’s 2nd adventure. Partly a lampoon of Star Trek III.

CHARACTERS
CAPTAIN JAMES T. QUIRK: Captain of the STARKSHIP ENERGIZE

MR SPAK: Half-Vulcanean First Officer

ROCKA HULA: Communications officer

SNOTTY (or Mr. SNOT): Chief Engineer; with thick Scottish brogue

DEM BONES: Chief medical officer

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS: One of the two flight ensigns

Mr ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED: Second flight ensigns

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE: Beautiful blonde yeoman

MAN SODOMISING YEOMAN RANDY JANICE

BEAUTIFUL REDHEADED ENSIGN

NURSE GRAPPLE: Brunette nurse

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN

TRELAWNY: Black Vulcanean woman

VULCANEAN WOMAN SERVING AT SNACK BAR

ROMULUSEAN BABE: Commander of Romulusean Death-Bird

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER

OH-BABE: Princess of friendly empire.

OH-BABE’S GUARD

DYING MAN

SPIKY-HAIRED NORKS-LEADER

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND: Young teenage girl

EXTRAS
Second man Yeoman Randy Janice is making love to; men & women walking along Energize corridors; Vulcanean warriors surrounding Faux Pas zone on planet Vulcaneus; pages beside Old Vulcanean Woman; second Romulusean officer when Spak is captured; other Romulusean crew members; other guards of Oh-Babe; people eating in lunch room; corpses on Alpha-Stigmata Six;

INTERIOR SETS
STARKSHIP ENERGIZE
— Elevator bay, and walkways near it
— Yeoman Randy Janice’s bedroom
— Corridor outside Yeoman Randy Janice’s bedroom
— Jefferson Davis tube
— Flight deck
— Teleport room

ROMULUSEAN DEATH-BIRD
— teleport room
— walkways
— brig
— armaments room
— flight deck
— two bedrooms
— medi-unit

PLANET ALPHA-STIGMATA-SIX
— underground city
— lunch room
— corridors
— stone-walled cell
— surgery-cum-laboratory

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
SAUCER-SECTION OF STARKSHIP ENERGIZE

PLANET VULCANEUS
— surface of planet

PLANET ALPHA-STIGMATA-SIX
— open desert
— rocky terrain

TEASER:

FADE IN:
INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Rocka Hula is seated at a control bank LHS of SHOT.

MR SPAK is seated at the other end of the control bank.   Seated side-on behind Rocka Hula is CAPTAIN QUIRK, at a sunken level.

In front of Quirk, are the two flight control ensign consuls, currently empty.

Quirk is standing in front of his chair, surrounded by others, as he gives a speech.   Behind him, on the walkway, stands Dem Bones.

Captain Quirk is a youngish sixty, a Starkfleet 30-year man, married to his job, who is prepared to have plenty of affairs on the side, however.

MR SPAK is an alien from the planet Vulcaneus; he is infuriatingly pedantic over minor issues, loving to quote six-figure “rough approximations”.

SNOTTY is Scottish with a strong brogue.   He is an expert mechanic, but inclined to craziness.

ROCKA HULA is dressed as a hula dancer complete with grass skirt.   She is a middle-aged Hawaiian, a bit of a bimbo and very sarcastic by nature.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
As some of you may be aware.   Those of you who managed to stay awake through our last movie.   We have recently returned from a hair-raising adventure against that dread curse of the sci-fi pic, the bioelectrical life form.

DEM BONES (Angry.)
The what!

DEM BONES is a bit of an idiot, but is a good doctor.   He, Quirk, & Spak have been pals for thirty years.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Frustrated.)
All right, already, the horrible, squishy, slimy green thing, with big, pointy teeth?

Curling his lips up, he holds his fingers up to his mouth to simulate teeth.

DEM BONES
That’s more like it.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And during that mission we had a number of casualties…
(Half a beat.)
Due to the deaths of Mr Jerkoff and Mr Zulu, two of the regulars from the old days of the TV series, there were some who said this sequel could never be made.

MR SPAK
There were some who said this sequel should never be made.

ROCKA HULA
And some who just prayed to God that it never would be.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Rocka Hula, have you ever wondered why your level of promotions haven’t kept pace with the other four hundred officers under my command?

ROCKA HULA
Well, strictly speaking, sir, they have.   I started aboard this ship five years ago as a junior, acting tea-lady…
(Half a beat.)
Now I’m a lieutenant in charge of communications.   So in reality my advancement over the last five years has been much better than anyone else’s aboard this starkship.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Glaring at her.)
Up until now.

ROCKA HULA
Something tells me I should have kept my big mouth shut!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
However, we’ve managed to replace them easily enough, by simply promoting two of the cameo actors from the last film.
(Waving hand round toward her.)
ENSIGN HONEYDEW MELONS, who has been promoted to flight ensign….

Ensign Honeydew Melons walks over to sit at a flight consul.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS is a gorgeous airhead bimbo.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Which, since she was already an ensign isn’t really much of a promotion….
(Considering a moment.)
In fact if my memory serves me right, it actually means a slight cut in pay for her.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh pooh!   I knew there had to be a catch!

SNOTTY (Shocked.)
My God, he must be mad!   A woman driver flying a starkship!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Relax, Snotty, she won’t be flying it, just doing minor stuff like adjusting the rear-view mirror and looking out for intergalactic traffic cops.

Ensign Honeydew Melons turns round to glare at him.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Indignant.)
Huh!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
The real pilot…
(Half a beat.)
The man, will be, Mr ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED.
(Waving hand round toward him.)

MR ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED is a sacrificial crew member.   He is at heart a self-serving lecher, but is a competent pilot & science officer.

ROCKA HULA
You sexist creep!

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Glaring at her.)
Thank you, Rocka Hula.   You’ve just been demoted to acting tea-lady.

ROCKA HULA
Damn, I really must learn to keep my fool mouth shut.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (He turns to eyeball Rocka Hula.)
As I was saying…
(Half a beat.)
The real pilot is, Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
At least as long as he’s appearing in this movie.

ROCKA HULA
Yeah the sacrificial crew members usually don’t last long in these sci-fi pics.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Acting Tea-Lady, Rocka Hula, if you don’t learn to shut up, I’ll demote you to assist window cleaner, third class.   And send you outside the starkship cleaning windows when we’re in deep space.

ROCKA HULA
Uh-oh, something tells me I’d better learn to shut my trap!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated, take us out into space.

MR ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Aye, aye, Captain.

He starts fiddling with controls on his flight consul.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Ensign Melons?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Saluting.)
Sir!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Undo your top two buttons, and generally look sexy.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Aye, aye, Captain.
(She undoes her top two buttons, then realises what he said.)
Hey!   There must be something more important that I can do!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Well, I don’t know…
(Half a beat.)
Columbus almost had a mutiny when he invented deep-sea sailing.   Think of the trouble I could be in if I let a woman driver fly a starkship in deep-space.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Insistent.)
There must be something that I can do!

MR SPAK
Perhaps she could fiddle with the rear-view mirror and generally look sexy, sir?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Good thinking, Mr Spak…
(Half a beat.)
Ensign Melons, fiddle with the rear-view mirror and generally look sexy.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Saluting.)
Aye, aye, Captain.

She turns back and starts fiddling with her consul controls.

A large rear-view mirror comes up over the viewer screen.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
I knew if I stuck to my guns he’d give me something important to do.

MR SPAK
And perhaps she could also keep an eye out for intergalactic traffic cops, sir?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Good thinking, Spak…
(Half a beat.)
Oh and also keep an eye out for intergalactic traffic cops, Ensign Melons.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Saluting.)
Aye, aye, Captain….
(Proud.)
At last the respect I deserve.

The others turn round to stare at her in amazement.

FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
INT. ENERGIZE, CORRIDOR — LIT — MR SPAK, CAPTAIN QUIRK,
& Dem Bones are walking down the corridor from LHS of SHOT.   As they walk along they stretch and yawn from obvious fatigue.

DEM BONES
Damn it’s good to be off duty.   I can sure use the rest.

MR SPAK
Yes, Doctor, you are looking a bit washed out.

DEM BONES
Yes, it’s straight to bed and straight to sleep for me.

MR SPAK
Me too.   Although Vulcaneans have a stronger constitution than you Earthlings, even I am a bit over-tired after all of those twelve-hour duties we have been doing lately.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Shaking head.)
You poor, pathetic bastards!

DEM BONES
There’s no need to gloat, Jim.

MR SPAK
Yes, we all know you are going straight to bed, but not to sleep.

DEM BONES
Yeah, since you and Yeoman Randy Janice started bonking, you’ve hardly had an hour’s sleep.

Dem Bones points at the door, which has a plaque saying “YEOMAN R. JANICE”.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Jealousy, thy name is Dem Bones.

DEM BONES
Shut up.   And just get in there and give here one for me.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Don’t worry, Dem Bones, I’ll give her one through every hole just for you.

DEM BONES
Bastard!   Why a dweeb like you gets all that sweet, prime-time pussy and I don’t is beyond me?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Well, Doc, as a great man once said:
(Snapping his fingers, & singing.)
“Some cats got it and…
(Half a beat.)
Some cats ain’t…
(Half a beat.)
Man I’m gettin’ it, but…
(Half a beat.)
You ain’t!”

DEM BONES
Just get in there and bonk her and shut up!

INT. YEOMAN RANDY JANICE’S BEDROOM — LIT
Beautiful blonde Yeoman Randy Janice is on her bed.   She is naked, sitting on the loins of one man bouncing up and down.   Behind her on the bed is another naked man, holding her backside, thrusting.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE is Quirk’s personal Yeoman.   She is gorgeous and a nympho, but no bimbo, being skilled to a degree as a pilot and also electrician.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE (Shouting.)
Yes!   Yes!   Yes!   Deeper!   Deeper!   Thrust it in deeper!”

WHOOSH and door opens.

Startled, Yeoman Janice looks round and sees Quirk, Spak, and Dem Bones standing in the doorway staring at her.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE (Shocked.)
Captain!

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Angry.)
What is the meaning of this?

DEM BONES (Puzzled.)
Didn’t you know, Jim, it’s called fucking.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Frustrated.)
I know it’s called fucking, Dem Bones!

DEM BONES
Then why did you ask?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
What I meant is; why is she fucking with anyone but me?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Er, well, um, that is….

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Angry.)
Well?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Hold on, give me time to think of something.

She looks at the clock on the wall, which reads 8:11.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Er, well, um, as you can see, it’s eleven past eight.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
So what?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Er, so I said to get here at eight o’clock.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
So?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
So, when you were late, I decided to start without you.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
You cheating bitch!

He turns and storms back out into the corridor.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE (Shouting.)
Oh come on, Captain, don’t take it so hard.   There are only two of them.   I’ve still got one hole available for you.

CAPTAIN QUIRK O/S (Shouting.)
Nympho bitch!

MAN SODOMISING YEOMAN
Jesus, what a grouch.

INT. ENERGIZE, CORRIDOR — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK
storms back out of Yeoman Janice’s room, almost bowling over Spak and Dem Bones as he storms past.

After a moment Spak and Dem Bones turn and start after him.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Everyone except Quirk is at the flight deck.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Quirk exits.   He walks
across and sits at his command chair.

MR SPAK
Captain, Starkfleet command wishes to know if we can be at Altaire Five in time for the Admiral’s inaugural speech.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Tell them to fuck off!

MR SPAK
Captain, we really must give them a response immediately.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Shouting.)
Get off my back, you pointy-eared freak!

Spak looks shocked by this outburst.

Rocka Hula and everyone else on flight deck turns around to stare at Captain Quirk in obvious disbelief.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Apologetic.)
I’m sorry, Spak, I shouldn’t have said that.

MR SPAK
That is quite all right, Captain.   I am well aware that you have been under a lot of strain the last few days.   Although I am somewhat sanguine at your choice of the words, “Pointy-Eared Freak”.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Well, I did consider calling you a half-breed freak, but I thought that might offend you.

Spak reaches out, grabs Quirk by the throat and tosses him across the flight deck.

Quirk screams till hitting the wall, then slides down and CRASHES into a flight consul, then falls to the floor with a CRASH.

DEM BONES
Oh my God.

He races over to help Quirk back to his feet.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
So would it have offended you or not, Spak?

MR SPAK
Can I speak, Captain?

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Frustrated.)
Can you ever shut up, you pointy-eared gab-fest?

MR SPAK
No, I meant may I speak freely?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Go ahead.

MR SPAK
I know you have been hit hard by Yeoman Randy Janice dumping you like a hot spud, as Mr Snot would say…
(Half a beat.)
But that is one of the many downsides to being a human being.   You must attempt to heal your wounded heart by trying to adopt Vulcanean grief-assuaging strategies.   Vulcanean men never loose control of their emotions around women.   We have learnt how to….

A good-looking redheaded ensign, wearing a mini skirt walks past Spak, heading toward the elevator bay.

Spak’s head spins round to stare at her.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Holy, Jesus Christ!   Did you see the ass on that redhead!

He turns and starts racing down the walkway after her.

Redheaded Ensign screams, drops a notepad-PC she is carrying and starts racing down the walkway toward the elevator bay.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Come to papa, you redheaded cutie.

REDHEADED ENSIGN
Get out of it, Mr Spak!

Redheaded Ensign races down the walkway toward the elevator bay.

Spak has almost caught up when Redheaded Ensign reaches the elevator bay and starts furiously stabbing a finger at the up-arrow.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Come to papa, ginger-cutie.

The elevator door opens and Redheaded Ensign races inside.

Spak races after her, but she presses the SHUT DOOR button and the doors slam shut.

MR SPAK (Shocked.)
What?

Spak tries to stop, but is running too fast.   He crashes headfirst into the elevator doors.

He staggers back and falls backwards over the guard rail and crashes headfirst into the flight deck half a level below.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Holy shit!

Quirk, Dem Bones, and Snotty race across to Spak.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Kneeling beside him.)
Are you all right, Spak?

MR SPAK
Kiss me, Hardy.

Quirk drops Spak’s head, which hits the floor with a THUD.

Quirk, Dem Bones, and Snotty all back away from Spak.

MR SPAK
Er, well, um, that is, yes fine, Captain.
(Climbing to his feet again.)
As I was saying, Captain, the best method to assuage your wounds, is to learn to keep your emotions at bay.   You must suppress all your emotive instincts….

WHOOSH and elevator door opens.

Yeoman Janice walks out of elevator and heads round the walkway, just above Spak and the others.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Jesus, look at the size of the tits on that blonde bitch!

He races toward the walkway, leaps up and grabs the hand rail and pulls himself up to the walkway, just behind Yeoman Janice.

Yeoman Janice screams, drops a report she is carrying and races along the walkway, heading away from the elevator bay, deeper into the flight deck.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Come to papa, you gorgeous blonde bitch!

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Get out of it, Mr Spak!

She races past Rocka Hula at the communications section, then around the front of the flight deck, with Spak only a few feet behind her.

SNOTTY (Shocked.)
My God, who’da believed it?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yeah, I thought that blonde bitch never said no to any man.

SNOTTY (Amazed.)
Er, exactly.

Yeoman Janice races around the front of the flight deck with Spak just behind her.

She races round the other side, then detours past Snotty, Quirk, and Dem Bones and reaches the stairs leading up to the chest-height walkway.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
I’ve got something for you, cutie!

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Well, keep it in your pants!

She races up to the walkway, then around to the elevator bay and starts furiously stabbing a finger at the down-arrow.

Spak slows as he is almost up to her.   He opens his arms wide, so she can’t run back past him.

MR SPAK
I’ve got you now, gorgeous.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE (Still stabbing finger at lift button.)
Like Hell, you pervert!

Yeoman Janice races over to the other side of the elevator bay and grabs a handle in the wall.

She lifts and pulls away a section of wall about one yard square, then throws the metal hatch at Spak.

Spak ducks and the hatch flies over his head into the flight deck below.

Ensign Melons SCREAMS O/S from flight deck.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Whoops.   Sorry, Ensign Melons.

ROCKA HULA O/S
She can’t hear you; she’s having a nap on the floor now.

Yeoman Janice turns toward the hole in the wall, where there is a diagonal chute leading upwards.

There are cross-rungs on the chute, so she leaps into the chute and starts climbing up into the starkship.

MR SPAK
Damn, she’s getting away in a Jefferson Davis tube.

He races across and grabs her by the left heel as she is vanishing from sight.

Yeoman Janice screams and kicks back and connects with his face.

Spak staggers back releasing her and she gets away.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Quirk, Dem Bones, and Snotty race down the walkway to the elevator bay.

DEM BONES
My God, did you see that?

SNOTTY (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Yeah, she’s not wearing any panties!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
She never does.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE O/S (Shouting.)
Shut up, you perverts!

FOOTSTEPS RECEDING as she climbs up the chute.

Quirk and the others all lean over to stare up into the chute after her.

DEM BONES
You’re right, no panties.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE O/S
I said, shut up!

Spak starts to climb up the chute after Yeoman Janice, but Quirk and Snotty grab him by the legs and pull him back away from it.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
What the hell do you think you’re doing, Spak?

MR SPAK (Calm.)
Nothing at all, Captain.   I was just explaining that you were hurt by Yeoman Janice dumping you, because you have never learnt how to control you emotions in times of….

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and NURSE GRAPPLE walks
out.

She walks past Spak, who suddenly stops and stares at her.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Jesus, look at the legs on that brunette!

Breaking free of Quirk and the others he starts racing after Nurse Grapple.

Nurse Grapple screams, drops a report she is carrying and starts running along the walkway with Spak not far behind.

Quirk, Snotty, and Dem Bones all start running down the walkway after Spak and Nurse Grapple.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Oh God, here we go again.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Come to papa, you auburn-haired raver!

NURSE GRAPPLE
Not a bloody chance!

Spak and Nurse Grapple race along the walkway then run toward Rocka Hula’s communications section.

ROCKA HULA (Amazed.)
Why the hell are you running?   I thought you had the hots for Mr Spak in a big way?

NURSE GRAPPLE
Damn!   In the heat of the moment, I forgot.

She stops running and turns to face Spak.

NURSE GRAPPLE is a bit of a nympho.   She has the hots for Spak, she also has some technical and mechanical skills.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Come to papa, you gorgeous creature!

NURSE GRAPPLE (Shouting.)
Come to mama, you great big, Vulcanean stud!

They start racing toward each other.

Nurse Grapple is only feet away from Spak when she does a running jump toward his shoulders.

Quirk, Dem Bones, and Snotty grab Spak and suddenly pull him aside, so Nurse Grapple flies straight past him.

NURSE GRAPPLE (Shocked.)
What the…?
(She lands crotch-first upon the metal safety railing.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Rocka Hula jumps up and races across to her.

ROCKA HULA
Oh my God, are you all right?

NURSE GRAPPLE (Smiling broadly.)
I think I’m in love.

Quirk, Snotty, and Dem Bones are straining to hold Spak, while Nurse Grapple starts rubbing her crotch furiously against the rail.

DEM BONES
For God’s sake stop her before she hurts herself.

SNOTTY
And before she gets us an X-rating.

ROCKA HULA
How can I stop her?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Just push her off the railing.

Rocka Hula pushes Nurse Grapple off the rail, so she flies headfirst into the lower level.

Nurse Grapple screams, then there is a THUD as she hits the lower level and is knocked out.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Frustrated.)
I meant push her onto the landing, not over the edge.

ROCKA HULA (Embarrassed.)
Whoops, my mistake.

She turns and walks back to her communications area.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Angry.)
What the hell do you think you’re doing, Spak?

MR SPAK (Calm.)
Nothing at all, Captain, I was just explaining about the need for humans to learn a little restraint when dealing with the opposite sex….

Rocka Hula reaches for her ear-plug but drops it to the floor.

ROCKA HULA
Damn!

She bends over to pick it up, thrusting her panty-clad  ass at Spak.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Room for one more, cutie!

Breaking free of Quirk and the others, Spak races across and slams his loins against Rocka Hula’s ass.   He grabs her hips with both hands and starts thrusting against her.

ROCKA HULA
Aaaaaaaaaah!   Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Aaaaaaaaaaah!

MR SPAK
Sorry, Rocka Hula, wrong hole.

He adjusts his position and starts slamming his loins against her again.

ROCKA HULA
Get away from there, you Vulcanean sex maniac!

Rocka Hula takes off down the walkway toward the elevator bay, with Spak holding her hips and trying to mount her as he runs along behind her.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Rocka Hula and Spak race inside then the doors WHOOSH shut again.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Puzzled.)
What the hell is that all about?

DEM BONES
I’m not exactly sure.   But at a guess, I’d say…
(Half a beat.)
Something strange is going on….

Quirk and rest of flight crew turn to stare at him.

SNOTTY
Brilliant, Dem Bones, just brilliant.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
An astute and concise diagnosis as always…
(Half a beat/Shouting.)
You moron!

DEM BONES (Indignant.)
Well, there’s no need to be sarky about it, Jim.

INT. MEDICAL BAY — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK, DEM BONES,
Nurse Grapple, Snotty, Rocka Hula, Ensign Melons, and Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated are standing around a padded bench on which Spak has been strapped down.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
So what’s the prognosis, Doc?

DEM BONES
If we don’t get Spak back to Vulcaneus in two or three days, he’ll die.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
So what are our options?

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
We could just let him die.   Then I could be promoted to science officer in his place.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Well, I suppose that’s one solution.
(To the others.)
What do you all think?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Sounds good to me.   I don’t mind working under Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated.

MR. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
(Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Sounds good to me, cute-stuff.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Embarrassed.)
That’s not what I meant!

ROCKA HULA
So what is the problem with Mr Spak, Dem Bones?

DEM BONES
He’s going through a seven-year cycle called the Vulcanean Faux Pas.   Unless he mates violently with whatever hole he can get it into once every seven years, he’ll die.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Couldn’t you just cut his balls off?

DEM BONES
Weeeell…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t know…?
(To Nurse Grapple.)
What do you think, Lorena?

NURSE GRAPPLE
I don’t think it’d work, Doctor.   It would remove his ability to bonk, but not the violent need.   In some ways it would only make matters worse.

DEM BONES
Then we’ve got no choice but to get him to Vulcaneus as soon as possible.

NURSE GRAPPLE
In the mean time the women aboard ship should be advised to wear cast-iron knickers just to be on the safe side.

SNOTTY
Does that include you, Lorena?

NURSE GRAPPLE (Embarrassed.)
Er, no, I’ll take the chance.

SNOTTY
You coulda laid odds on that.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK
and the others at their regular positions.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Now in orbit around planet Vulcaneus, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Good, prepare to be part of a landing party to go down.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Aye, aye, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Rocka Hula, make contact with Vulcaneus.

ROCKA HULA
Aye, aye, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Ensign Melons, fiddle with the rear-view mirror and generally look sexy.
(She turns back and starts fiddling with her consul controls.)
Oh and also keep an eye out for intergalactic traffic cops.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh pooh!

EXT. ARENA, PLANET VULCANEUS — DAY — CAPTAIN QUIRK,
Dem Bones, Snotty, Nurse Grapple, Rocka Hula, and Ensign Melons, are standing by the LHS of SHOT watching as Spak stands before a throne on which sits an ancient Vulcanean woman.

The throne is on a circle of concrete, around which stand a number of spear-and-shield carrying Vulcanean warriors.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
Spak, who are these Earthlings?

MR SPAK
My colleagues aboard the Energize.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
Is it for outsiders to witness the Faux Pas now, Spak?

MR SPAK
They are also my friends.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
Very well, they may stay and observe the ritual.   But they must be careful not to interrupt the ceremony in any way.

CAPTAIN QUIRK/DEM BONES/ROCKA HULA/NURSE GRAPPLE/
ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS/SNOTTY
Understood.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
And if any of the women should happen to drop anything in front of Spak.
(Shouting.)
For God’s sake don’t bend down to pick it up again.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN looks about ninety but is well over a hundred.   She is a bit sarcastic by nature.

ROCKA HULA (Rubbing her behind with one hand.)
You don’t have to tell me twice.

The others all turn to stare in her direction.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
Silence!

She nods toward a PAGE, who hammers a large gong beside her.

Old Vulcanean Woman grimaces at the BOOM of the gong and sticks a finger into her right ear to rub at it.

A beautiful black Vulcanean woman in ceremonial robes, TRELAWNY, walks forward.

ROCKA HULA
Who the hell is that?

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
That is Spak’s mate to be in the Faux Pas.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Get a load of the tits on that black chick!

He races across the clearing toward her.

Trelawny screams, spins round, and races across the desert with Spak just behind her.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN (Sighing from frustration.)
However, first there will be a half hour delay, while we catch and restrain Mr Spak.
(Signalling to pages standing near her who race after Spak and Trelawny.)
In the meantime, please feel free to buy drinks or sweets from our snack bar.

She waves toward a cinema snack bar a few yards away on her LHS.

Quirk and the others race across to start buying pop-corn, drinks, etc.

SNOTTY
I hope this Faux Pas ceremony works.   This delay is costing Starkfleet a fortune.

ROCKA HULA (Angry.)
Mr Snot, don’t be so damned penny-pinching all the time.   You can’t count the cost of love.

VULCANEAN WOMAN SERVING AT SNACK BAR
You can around here, honey.   It’s $150 an hour for missionary-style.   $180 an hour including head.   $200 an hour including B&D.   Or $250 an hour for anal and wet sex.

SNOTTY
Does the $250 an hour for anal and wet sex include golden showers?

VULCANEAN WOMAN SERVING AT SNACK BAR (Grinning at him.)
It sure does, handsome.

The others all turn to stare at Snotty.

SNOTTY
Well, there’s no harm in just asking.

ROCKA HULA
Pervert!

EXT. ARENA — DAY, HALF AN HOUR LATER
They are now watching Spak and Trelawny standing facing each other at the arena again.

Spak is now bound hand and foot in chains.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
Now the Faux Pas can begin.   Spak, are you ready to take Trelawny as your Faux Pas Pair-Bond?

MR SPAK (With feeling.)
Till she’s bleeding through every hole in her body.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN (Sighing from frustration.)
Just answer yes or no, dammit!

MR SPAK
Yes.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
Trelawny, are you ready to take Spak as your Faux Pas Pair-Bond?

TRELAWNY (Shouting.)
No!   I claim right to challenge!

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN (Sighing from frustration.)
Damn, I just knew it was going to be one of those ceremonies.
(To page standing beside her.)
Tell my husband I could be a little late home for supper tonight.

He turns and walks O/S to LHS.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
What does right to challenge mean?

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
Trelawny has chosen to select a champion who must fight against Spak for the honour of bonking her.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Oh I see.   So he might not get his rocks off with her after all.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
No…
(Half a beat.)
Very well, Trelawny, choose your Faux Pas champion.

Trelawny walks around the circle of spear-and-shield carrying warriors.    Then she walks over to consider Snotty, and Dem Bones.

She stares at Dem Bone’s crotch for a moment, licking her lips.

SNOTTY
Damn, he always gets the best-looking chicks.

ROCKA HULA
The rolled up socks in the jockey-shorts will do it every time.

DEM BONES
Shut up!

Trelawny moves on again and stops before Quirk.

TRELAWNY
I choose this one.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Okay, cutie, get on your back and spread ‘em wide.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
No, no, Quirk, you have to fight Spak for her first.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Damn, I knew there had to be a catch.   So much for easy Vulcanean pussy.
(Sighing from frustration.)
Why can’t I ever get easy pussy?   Why do I always have to risk my balls for it?

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN (Shrugging.)
Just your luck, I guess.

ROCKA HULA
Being a geek doesn’t help, I guess.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Shut up, Rocka Hula, or I’ll demote you to toilet cleaner, third class.

ROCKA HULA
Damn, I’d better learn to zip my lip.

She does a side-to-side zipping motion over her mouth.

EXT. ARENA — DAY, TEN MINUTES LATER
Spak and Quirk are dressed in battle fatigues, carrying long battle-axes.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Whispering.)
Okay, Spak, now the main thing is to put on a good show, but not to hurt each other, okay.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Kill you!

He tosses his battle-axe, which whizzes past Quirk, missing him by inches.

NURSE GRAPPLE O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

MR SPAK
Sorry, Lorena.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Don’t worry, the Doc’ll soon grow her a new head.   It’s amazing what medical science can do nowadays.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Kill you!

He races across, grabs Quirk, hefts him off the ground and tosses him through the air.

Quirk screams for a moment, then crashes into Dem Bones and the others.

SOUND OF SKITTLES, and they all fall over.

ROCKA HULA
Oh my God, this isn’t going very well.

SNOTTY
Yeah, get in there and fight, you pansy.

Snotty grabs Quirk by the arm and tosses him back into the battle.

Quirk staggers past Spak, who picks up Quirk’s fallen battle-axe and charges after him.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Kill you!   Kill you!   Kill you!

DEM BONES (Puzzled.)
Mr Spak always did have a bit of a one-tracked mind.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Chicken out!

He tries to outrun Spak but is panting already, clearly fatigued.

SNOTTY
So does the captain.   Cowardly Sassenach.

DEM BONES
The captain doesn’t have a chance, the rarefied air on Vulcaneus is killing him.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN
Tough titties, what can you do?   The air is the air…
(Half a beat.)
And the land is the land…
(Half a beat.)
And the sea is the sea.

ROCKA HULA
Oh vay, Vulcanean bimbos yet!

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Yeah, I hate bimbos.

ROCKA HULA
She obviously doesn’t realise how cruelly ironic that is.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN (Pointing at a boulder.)
And that rock is a rock.

DEM BONES
Look you prehistoric Vulcanean twat!   I can give him an injection to help him to cope with the rarefied atmosphere.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN (Waving hand dismissively.)
Very well, you have my permission.   But next time don’t be so damn sarky.

She claps her hands to end the bout as Quirk collapses from fatigue.

Two Vulcanean guards step between Spak and Quirk as Dem Bones walks across to give Quirk an injection in the arm.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Between pants.)
Any suggestions, Doc?

DEM BONES
There’s no alternative, Jim.   You’re going to have to kill Spak.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Shocked.)
Oh great thinking, Einstein!   We detour half-a-billion kilometres to save Spak’s life, now you want me to kill him.
(Shouting.)
You great bonehead!

DEM BONES (Indignant.)
Well, there’s no need to be sarky about it.   It was just a suggestion.

Dem Bones walks back over to the others.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN claps her hands and the two Vulcanean guards step away as Quirk staggers back to his feet.

Spak grabs up the battle-axe and starts slowly toward Quirk, who backs away, matching him pace for pace.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Now come on, Spak, can’t we talk about this?

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Kill you!   Kill you!   Kill you!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
I guess not.

He turns to run away, but trips and falls to the desert sand.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Kill you!   Kill you!   Kill you!

He races forward to stand over Quirk, raises the battle-axe back over his head and starts to swing it toward Quirk.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Kill you!   Kill you!   Kill you!

A yellow beam suddenly pours from the sky behind Spak and hits the battle-axe, disintegrating the top few feet.

Spak swings the axe, but with the metal head now gone, it narrowly passes over Quirk and hits Spak in the crotch.

Spak drops the axe handle, grabs his groin and staggers backwards.

MR SPAK (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Nuts to you from Eta!

Orangey teleport rays drop from the sky and images shimmer within them.

The images solidify into four armed warriors similar to the Vulcaneans.

DEM BONES (Pointing at warriors.)
Romulusean raiders!

ROCKA HULA (Straight at camera.)
That was in case you’re too dumb to see them for yourself.

OLD VULCANEAN WOMAN (Standing up/Indignantly.)
How dare you interrupt our ceremony?   This is a sacred Vulcanean ritual.   No outsider may….

A Romulusean raider aims a stayzer at her and fires.  

A yellow beam ROARS out and hits Old Vulcanean Woman.

She screams and collapses to the ground before her throne.

Dem Bones races over to examine Old Vulcanean Woman.

DEM BONES (Shocked.)
She’s dead, Jim.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh no, I don’t believe it!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yes, Dem Bones, how dare you use that cliché in this film!   “She’s dead, Jim”, indeed!   Jesus I’m sick to death of hearing, “She’s dead, Jim”.   I’ve been hearing it for more than thirty years now you cliché-mongering bastard!

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
No, no, I meant, “Oh no, I don’t believe that she’s dead!”

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Puzzled.)
Oh, I see.   Well, in that case, sorry about that, Dem Bones.

Two Romuluseans grab Spak by the arms, and one of them clicks his comm. badge.

Their images start to shimmer and the four Romuluseans vanish, taking Spak with them.

Quirk’s communicator BUZZES in his pocket.   He takes out the communicator and flips it open.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Quirk here.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated at
flight consul.
(INTERCUT INTERCOM SEQUENCE.)

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Captain, we’ve spotted a Romulusean Death-Bird orbiting the planet Vulcaneus.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Thank you, bonehead!   If you’d told us five minutes ago, it might have been of use to us.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Well, sor…
(Half a beat.)
Ree.   I can’t help being a little late sometimes.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
It’s better than being premature…
(Half a beat.)
Like he normally is.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Exact….
(Considering a moment.)
Hey, what do you mean by that!

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE (Innocent.)
Nothing.

Mr. Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated turns round to glare at her.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Like hell…
(Half a beat.)
Bitch!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
For God’s sake, just beam us up!

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED O/S
Okie doke.

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated operating teleport controls, while Yeoman Janice watches on.

Beam shoots down from teleport rings, then the images of Quirk and the others appear on the rings.

Their images shimmer for a few seconds, then solidify.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
What’s the problem, Captain?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
The Romuluseans have kidnapped Spak.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Does that mean I get promoted to science officer?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
No, dingleberry, we’re going after him.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
(With feeling.)
Damn!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Quirk and the others are just walking to their consuls.

On viewer screen Romulusean spacecraft can be seen.   It is a pale grey, shaped like a naked woman in the “Superman flying position”.   The legs, back, and arms are corridors, etc.; the buttocks the living quarters; the large pendulous breasts the flight deck and armaments sections.

SNOTTY
What the hell is a Death-Bird, anyway?

DEM BONES
A chick with a bit of a temper.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
They’re often redheads.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Romulusean Death-Bird still within visual range.

Death-Bird suddenly vanishes.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Damn, that’s gonna make it hard to follow.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Try to follow it by locking onto its vaporous trail.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Aye, aye, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Ensign Melons, fiddle with the rear-view mirror and generally look sexy.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Saluting.)
Aye, aye, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Oh and also keep an eye out for intergalactic traffic cops, Ensign Melons.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Damn, is that all I get to do in this film?

Dem Bones is looking very depressed.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Cheer up, Dem Bones, we’ll rescue Spak.

DEM BONES
It’s not that, Jim.   I was just thinking…
(Half a beat.)
Space can be a very lonely place at times.

SNOTTY
Oh come on, Doc, you just need some pussy.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Exactly.   Snotty strip Nurse Grapple naked, then hold her down on a consul while Dem Bones fucks her through every hole.

SNOTTY
Aye, aye, Captain.

He races across to grab Nurse Grapple by the arm.

NURSE GRAPPLE (Struggling furiously against him.)
No, No, only want to be held down to a consul and fucked through every hole by Mr Spak!

SCRAPING OF CHAIRS as everyone on flight deck turns round to stare at her.

NURSE GRAPPLE (Embarrassed.)
Er, well, um, what I meant to say was….

INT. ROMULUS DEATH-BIRD, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT

ROMULUSEAN BABE and two Romulusean officers are holding Mr Spak at stayzer-point.

ROMULUSEAN BABE is late twenties, an attractive brunette who in turn is attracted to Mr Spak.

MR SPAK
Why have you kidnapped me, Captain?

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Kidnapped, not at all.   You are to be held for trial for crimes against the Romulusean Empire.

MR SPAK
In that case, I would like to request, as is my right, to make a statement, before my trial.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Just so long as you don’t want to quote the entire works of Shakespeare.   We’ve had that one tried on us before.   The opening statement of our last prisoner lasted over two years.

MR SPAK
Relax, I shall be succinct and to the point.   My statement should take no more than fifteen or twenty minutes.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Very well.

She walks over to turn on a DVD-RAM to record his statement.

MR SPAK
First of all, I would like to say you are one incredible Romulusean Babe, and however long I may live, one of the greatest regrets of my existence shall be that I didn’t get to pork you through every major hole in your body.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Embarrassed.)
Er, yes, well, um, there’s no need to go into that while we’re recording.

MR SPAK
Yes, indeed.   Your mouth is perfectly formed, full-lipped, and looks like it could blow up a storm for a man hung like a horse.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Embarrassed.)
Thank, you, thank you, Mr Spak, but please get to the point.

MR SPAK
Speaking of which, you have two of the biggest, pointiest, pear-shaped tits I have ever seen.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Thank, you, Mr Spak, but please stick to the point.

MR SPAK
Your legs are long and shapely, and look as though they have the power to grip a man’s back like a steel-trap and pull him deep down into your slick, sweet pussy.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Shouting.)
Please stick to matters relevant to your upcoming trial.

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER
Strictly speaking, Captain, by Romulusean law he is allowed to speak of whatever he likes in his statement before trial.

Romulusean Babe screams as she turns and races across to the door.

The door opens with a WHOOSH and she races out into the corridor, screaming O/S as she runs.

MR SPAK
And she has a beautiful, full, heart-shaped ass that goes like a pendulum when she’s running away from you.

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER
Yes, I did notice, Mr Spak.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MEDICAL BAY — LIT
Snotty and Quirk are walking past.

DEM BONES O/S (Shouting.)
You bitch!

FACE BEING SLAPPED O/S.

NURSE GRAPPLE
Up yours, Clyde!

Quirk stops outside medical bay and door opens with a WHOOSH.

INT. MEDICAL BAY — LIT — NURSE GRAPPLE & DEM BONES
are standing by the medical benches.

Nurse Grapple picks up a jar of purple liquid and throws it at Dem Bones.

The jar misses him and smashes against the wall.

DEM BONES
Bitch!

He picks up a jar and tosses it at Nurse Grapple.

The jar misses her and smashes against the wall.

Nurse Grapple races at Dem Bones and they start wrestling.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Shocked.)
Here!   Here!   Here!
(Nurse Grapple and Dem Bones stop and stare at him.)
Dem Bones that is the worst display of acting that I have ever seen.

DEM BONES
Well, we can’t all be natural Tom Cruises, like you, Jim.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Indignant.)
There’s no need to be sarky about it, Dem Bones.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Elevator door WHOOSHES open and Quirk, Dem Bones, and Snotty walk out onto the walkway.

Quirk’s ears have been surgically altered so they have points like Vulcanean and Romulusean ears.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
I want you with us when we overtake the Romuluseans, Dem Bones, in case Spak needs emergency medical attention.

They walk along the walkway and down to the flight deck.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Coming up on the Romulusean Death-Bird now, Captain.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
No sign of any intergalactic traffic cops, sir.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Puzzled.)
Er, good.

The entire flight crew walk across to stare at Quirk.

SNOTTY (Puzzled.)
What the devil happened to your ears, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Never mind my ears, let’s get down to business.

SNOTTY
Aye, aye, Captain.

They all go back to their posts, except Rocka Hula, who remains staring at his pointy ears.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Did you hear what I said, Rocka Hula?

ROCKA HULA
Aye, Captain.
(Turning to go back to her post.)
I was just thinking your new ears suit you, sir?

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Pleased.)
Oh, really?

ROCKA HULA
Yes, Captain.   They have so much more character than those runty little pigmy ears you used to have.

Quirk is grinning idiotically, until he realises what she has said.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
All right, Rocka Hula, that’s it, you’ve been warned.   You’re hereby demoted to window cleaner, third class.
(Pointing toward elevator bays.)
Now get outside, you’ve got an awful lot of windows to clean before this film is through.

ROCKA HULA
Can I at least put a space-suit on first?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
No.

ROCKA HULA
But, Captain, I’ll die if we take off into deep space and I’m outside without a space-suit on.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Puzzled.)
So what’s your point exactly?

DEM BONES
The point, Captain Dingleberry, is that if she dies, we’ll have lost three of the regulars from the old TV series by the end of this movie.   Then how can we possibly make a third film in this series?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Good point, Dem Bones.   Okay, Rocka Hula, you can put on a space-suit before going outside.

ROCKA HULA
And I’d better tie a lifeline to it as well.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Moan!   Moan!   Moan!   Moan!   Moan!…
(Half a beat.)
All right you can have a lifeline as well.

Rocka Hula glares at Quirk.   Then she turns to smile at Dem Bones.

ROCKA HULA (Whispering.)
Thank you Dem Bones.   Guess what you’re getting tonight.

Dem Bones smiles broadly.

ROCKA HULA (Whispering behind Quirk’s back.)
And guess what you’re not getting!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And don’t be cheeky, Rocka Hula, or I’ll make that toilet cleaner, third class.

ROCKA HULA
Damn he must have ears in the back of his head, not eyes.

DEM BONES
It’s the Romulusean ears I gave him surgically for this mission.

ROCKA HULA
Oh really, they must be great for honing up on all the latest gossip?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yes, but they’re hell in bed, if you get a screamer.   The last time I bonked Ensign Melons I went deaf for four hours.

Ensign Melons turns round to stare at them.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
What was that, Captain?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Er, I was just telling Rocka Hula what a great lay you are.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh, I see.

She looks puzzled as she suddenly realises what he said.

Rocka Hula turns and walks over to the elevator bay and leaves by the elevator.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE
Quirk still has Romulusean ears.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (To Ensign Melons.)
Have you managed to localise Mr Spak’s body signature yet, Ensign Melons?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
No, Captain, I must be doing something wrong.   None of the instruments seem to be working.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
(Peering over at her consul.)
No wonder, you forgot to turn on your consul.

He leans over and flicks a switch on her consul, which is completely grey.

LOW HUMMING, then after a second or so the buttons on her consul all light up different colours.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Try it now.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Why thank you, you’re so gallant…
(Half a beat.)
That is much better.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Frustrated.)
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
No, no, Captain, please give me a chance.   I really want this new posting so badly.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Well, I don’t know, you’d need to give me a better reason to keep you there, than just the fact you want the position badly.

SNOTTY
Then how about the fact, that now you’ve demoted Rocka Hula to window cleaner, third class, you won’t be getting any pussy from her anymore.   So unless you keep in sweet with Ensign Melons, you’re going to have to resort to the slow hand-jive until this mission is finished.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Worried.)
Er, yes, well, as I was saying, Honeydew, I’m sure you’re trying your best.   And after all brains aren’t everything.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Smiling broadly.)
Thank you, Captain.

She turns back to her consul, then realises what he said.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Angry.)
Hey, wait a minute, what’re you mean by that?

SNOTTY
Dinna worry, lassie.   He just meant that when you’re gorgeous and stacked as hell, like you are, who needs any brains to get to the top?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Well, that’s all right then.

She returns to working her consul controls.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Have you managed to localise Mr Spak’s body signature yet, Ensign Melons?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Not yet, Jim, give me a chance, my consul’s hardly had a chance to warm up.   And you know a Vulcanean body signature is almost identical to a Romulusean body signature.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Sir, I’ve managed to isolate Mr Spak’s body signature from the Romulusean signatures.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Good work, Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated.

Ensign Melons turns round to glare at Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Smart-ass!

Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated sticks his tongue out at her.

INT. DEATH BIRD, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT — AS BEFORE
Spak is just finishing his statement when Romulusean Babe returns.

MR SPAK
And she looks as though she’d bang like an out-house door in hurricane-county Florida.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Embarrassed.)
Is that it?

MR SPAK
Well, since you asked….

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Shouting.)
No!   No!   No!   That is it!   That is it!

MR SPAK
If you insist…
(Half a beat.)
But I still think you’d be the best lay this side of anywhere.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Er, yes, well, thank you, Mr Spak.
(She turns to face Romulusean Officer.)
You may go now, centurion.

He clicks his heels to attention, then strides across to the door, which opens.   He leaves, then the door closes behind him.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Now, Mr Spak, what am I to do with you?

MR SPAK
Well, we could always go to your cabin and try out for the Olympic trampolining team, until you’re bleeding from every body orifice.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
No!   I meant what can I do with you officially?

MR SPAK
Well, officially your duty is to take me back to the Romulusean home-world and have me tried for treason.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Shocked.)
And have them play that incredibly embarrassing statement of yours before the high commission of Romulusean?   No way José.   I’d rather help you to escape and have them think I’m a traitor and have my entire family exiled for having produced a traitor to the Empire.

MR SPAK
That would seem to be your only….

LOW HUMMING then Spak’s image starts to shimmer.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Oh no, you don’t!

She races across and throws her arms around him.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE
Elevator door WHOOSHES open and Spak enters with Romulusean Babe walking beside him.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Welcome back, Mr….

He stops and stares in amazement at Romulusean Babe.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Spak, you old sly dog.   In the middle of space, light-years from anywhere, yet you still manage to pick up a piece of spare.

MR SPAK
It’s a natural talent we Vulcaneans possess.

SNOTTY
I guess now you won’t have to worry about Rocka Hula not giving you any, Captain.   If you’re horny you can just bonk this Romulusean hornbag.

SQUEEGEE-SOUND, then Rocka Hula appears on viewer screen dressed in a space-suit, attached to a lifeline, pushing a bucket of water and mopping the outside of the starkship.

EXT. ENERGIZE, SAUCER SECTION — DARK — ROCKA HULA
is walking along slowly mopping the outside of the saucer section.

ROCKA HULA
Damn, I really must think of a way to get back into the captain’s good books, if I don’t want to spend the next two films space-walking while were doing warped-factor nine.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
They all stare at Rocka Hula on viewer screen, until she is O/S.

Then they look back to Spak and Romulusean Babe.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yes, I can safely say I won’t even miss Rocka Hula, with this Romulusean hornbag to take care of all of my night-time needs.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Indignant.)
How dare you!   I am a Romulusean Death-Bird Captain and expect to be treated as such.   Please show me to your brig at once.

SNOTTY
Good idea, it’ll be easier to gang-bang her in there, where there’s no room for her to run.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
There’s no need for that, Captain…
(Half a beat.)
Mr Spak, please show her to your quarters.

MR SPAK (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Aye, aye, Captain.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Puzzled.)
His quarters?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And bonk her through every hole till she’s bleeding.

MR SPAK (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Aye, aye, aye, aye, Captain.

Spak and Quirk do a high-five.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And save some of that Romulusean wad for me, for when I get off duty.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Indignant.)
Hey, wait just one minute.

MR SPAK
Will do, Captain.

Ignoring her protests, Spak takes Romulusean Babe by one arm and leads her across to the elevator bay.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open, they get inside, and doors shut.

DEM BONES
Captain, don’t you have an appointment in surgery?

Quirk clutches himself between the legs.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
I’ll say I do.   These Venusean crabs are getting unbearable.

The others all turn to stare at him in amazement.

DEM BONES
No, Captain, I meant to have your ears bobbed.   Points might be all right for Vulcaneans No, Captain, I meant to have your ears bobbed.   Points might be all right for Vulcaneans, Romuluseans, or red devils, but they’re not appropriate for human beings.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Why, don’t you think they suit me?

DEM BONES
Let’s just say they’re not aesthetically pleasing.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
So you don’t think they’ll help me to pull any chicks?

DEM BONES
Well, maybe Romulusean or Vulcanean chicks or perhaps even Klingto babes.   But no others.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Considering.)
Klingto power-babes?   The ones famous for having the strongest thighs in the galaxy?   Which can wrap round a man so hard they almost pull his whole body right into their wad?

DEM BONES
Those are the ones.

SNOTTY
They say that no human being has ever survived a single night in the sack with a Klingto power-babe.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Is that right?

SNOTTY
Aye, aye, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Considering a moment.)
Hmmm, it could be worth dying, to have one night in heaven, locked between the thighs of a gorgeous Klingto power-babe.

Rocka Hula reappears on viewer screen pushing the mop and bucket.

EXT. ENERGIZE, SAUCER SECTION — DARK

ROCKA HULA
Then we’d bury you the next day and you could go to hell!

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Into intercom.)
Rocka Hula that does it!   You’ve just been demoted to toilet cleaner, second class.

EXT. ENERGIZE, SAUCER SECTION — DARK

ROCKA HULA
Damn!   I really must learn to put a sock in my big yap!

She starts pushing the mop and bucket across toward a small, square hatch in the saucer section.

Bending down, she opens the hatch outwards.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE
A small square hatch opens in the ceiling above them and air starts WHOOSHING out of the hatch.

Small items start flying up to the ceiling.

PEOPLE START SCREAMING and grab onto their chairs or their flight consuls as they start to get sucked up toward the roof.

Dresses of women fly up to cover their heads, revealing some of them are wearing no underwear, including Ensign Melons.

Ensign Melons screams and reaches down to grab her dress to cover herself, but starts flying up out of her seat toward the ceiling.

She lets go of her dress and grabs at her chair as her dress flaps back up to cover her face and reveal her naked body again.

Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated is holding onto his consul by both hands, his legs pulled up into the air toward the ceiling.

Ensign Melons screams again.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Jesus, Mr Zulu was right in the last movie.   Those are one fantastic set of honeydew melons you’ve got their Ensign Melons.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Shut up, you pervert.

She reaches for her dress again, but as she releases her chair she starts to fly up toward the ceiling feet first.

Screaming again, Ensign Melons just manages to grab onto her flight consul with both hands as her seat flies up toward the ceiling.   Now that she is upside down her dress is covering her again.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Shouting.)
Rocka Hula, you idiot, shut that damn hatch!

EXT. ENERGIZE, SAUCER SECTION — DARK
Rocka Hula has been blown off the saucer section by the out-rushing air, but is still tied to the starkship by her long, silver lifeline.   Her mop and bucket are floating away into space.

ROCKA HULA (Shouting.)
Sorry, Captain!

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE
People still hanging onto consuls and screaming in terror.   Half-a-dozen chairs fly up to the ceiling and hit the hatch at once.   The first couple of chairs get sucked out into space.   But a third chair blocks the hatch.

The last few chairs come crashing back to the deck, just missing Snotty and Ensign Melons, who screams.

SNOTTY
Jesus, that one almost got me.

As the hatch is blocked off, Ensign Melons, Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated and the others suddenly crash down upon their consuls, some being knocked out.

EXT. ENERGIZE, SAUCER SECTION — DARK
As the hatch is blocked up, wind stops rushing out of the saucer section.

Rocka Hula grabs onto her lifeline, and slowly pulls herself back down to the roof of the saucer section.   Her bucket and mop are long gone.

ROCKA HULA
Damn, I’ll probably have to pay for that mop and bucket, knowing that cheapskate captain.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK
and the others are trying to fix up the flight deck, rearranging chairs, etc.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Into intercom.)
Not to mention about a million bucks worth of damage to the flight deck.

ROCKA HULA O/S (With feeling.)
Damn!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
How far are we from Outpost Nineteen, Spak?

MR SPAK (Checking consul.)
Two days at maximum warped, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Very well lay in a course for….

SNOTTY
Pardon, Captain, but we’ve just received instructions to make for Voltaire-Seven at once to pick up the OH-BABE of Koozee.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Damn, very well, our prisoner will just have to wait.

MR SPAK (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
That’s all right with me, Captain.

SNOTTY
Yes, the lucky bastard.   He won’t have to worry about not getting his rocks off for the next few days anyway.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — TWO DAYS LATER
Quirk’s ears have now been returned to normal.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Now orbiting Voltaire-Seven, Captain.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
No sign of any intergalactic traffic cops.

POLICE SIREN O/S.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Damn, I spoke too soon.

Yellow teleport beam appears a few feet away from Quirk and a U.S. traffic cop riding a motorbike starts to materialise.

His image flickers in and out a few times, then finally solidifies.

TRAFFIC COP
All right, who’s the captain of this jalopy?

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Frustrated.)
I am, officer.

TRAFFIC COP (Writing out ticket.)
Well, I’m gonna have to book you for flying with one of you rear lights out.   And also you were doing warped-factor seven in a warped-factor five zone, back there.

He tears off two tickets and hands them to Quirk.

Cop grabs his handlebars and starts revving the motorbike.

After a moment his image starts to shimmer in and out, then finally vanishes.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Angry.)
This is coming out of your pay cheque, you blind bitch!

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Damn!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
All right Spak, Snotty let’s get to the teleport room to welcome the Oh-Babe of Koozee.

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK,
Mr Spak, Dem Bones, Snotty, and Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated are all wearing dress uniforms as Snotty works the teleport controls.

Teleport beams drop from the ceiling, then the images of four armed guards appear.

After a few seconds the images solidify and the guards walk over toward Quirk.

CHIEF GUARD
All kneel before the Oh-Babe appears.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
No way, I don’t kneel for any man!

SNOTTY
What about on Rigil Five when you knelt before the Porroh?

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
That’s different!   The Porroh was a woman, and I was begging for sex…
(Half a beat.)
Any self-respecting man might do that.

CHIEF GUARD (Pulling knife from scabbard on belt.)
Kneel or die.

Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated goes down on his knees along with the others.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Well, that’s different.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
All right, Snotty, beam-up the Oh-Babe.

SNOTTY (Reaching up over his head.)
How?   I can’t reach the teleport controls from down here.

CHIEF GUARD
Damn!   Very well, you only may stand.

Snotty stands and starts working the controls.

DEM BONES
I wonder why he’s called the Oh-Baby.

Yellow beams drops down to teleport circle and image of a woman starts to appear.   It solidifies as a gorgeous woman in a very skimpy dress.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Oh baby, baby, babe!

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
I guess that’s why.

OH-BABE (Shouting.)
Silence, you degenerate!

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
(Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Hey she’s heard of me!

OH-BABE
Show me to your flight deck, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Very well.

He starts to stand up.

OH-BABE (Shouting.)
I did not give you permission to stand up, dog!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Oh very well.

Quirk drops to his knees again.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Door opens with a WHOOSH and Quirk comes out on his knees, followed by Spak, Dem Bones, Snotty, etc., all on their knees, with only the Oh-Babe walking.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Quirk, Spak, Dem Bones,
Snotty, and Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated all come out onto the walkway on their hands and knees, with the Oh-Babe walking behind them.

In the centre of the room stands Oh-Babe’s guards standing near Romulusean Babe.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Pointing at Romulusean Babe.)
Hey, what is she doing here?

Oh-Babe tosses a stayzer to Romulusean Babe, who points it at Quirk.

A yellow beam drops down from the ceiling, then half-a-dozen Romulusean officers teleport aboard Energize, also holding stayzers.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
So, Captain Quirk, it looks like you are now my prisoner.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Damn, this means I won’t get to bonk you after Spak is bone-dry, will I?

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Certainly not.
(Rubbing her ass with one hand.)
I have enough trouble with haemorrhoids after what that Vulcanean pervert did to me.

They all turn to stare at Spak, who looks embarrassed.

MR SPAK
Er, well, um, it’s not entirely my fault.   She does have a fantastic, jutting ass.

They all peer round to look at her rear-end.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Yes, she certainly does.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Stop that, you pervert.   No one is bonking me aboard this ship any more.

DEM BONES
Damn!   I was next after the captain.

SNOTTY
Like hell, I was!

DEM BONES
No way, I was!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
That’s funny, I thought we were all going to do her at once, using different holes.

SNOTTY
Oh yeah!…
(Half a beat.)
That’s right!

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Like hell it is, you degenerates!
(To Romulusean officers.)
Take these Earthling scumbags across to our Death-Bird.

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER
Aye, aye, Captain.   And then is it our turn to bonk you?

ROMULUSEAN BABE
No, dammit, no one gets any turns to bonk me…
(Half a beat.)
At least until I get over these damned haemorrhoids.

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER
Then it’s the big Romulusean gang-bang, right?

ROMULUSEAN BABE
No, it is not dammit!   Now just beam them across to our ship.

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER (Saluting.)
Aye, aye, Captain.
(To other Romulusean officers.)
Don’t just stand around, you heard what the lesbian said.   Now beam the prisoners across to the Death-Bird.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
I am not a lesbian, dammit, I don’t even listen to k.d.lang CDs.   I just happen to be bleeding from all three holes at the moment and need a bit of a rest.

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER (Sceptical.)
Yes, of course, why didn’t I think of that?

ROMULUSEAN BABE
No, honestly.

INT. DEATH-BIRD, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Romulusean officer working controls.

In teleport circles images start to flicker, then Spak, Quirk, Dem Bones, Oh-Babe, and two armed Romulusean officers materialise.   Spak, Quirk, and Snotty have their hands tied.

MR SPAK (Puzzled.)
I would dearly like to know why the Oh-Babe is helping the Romuluseans?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And also where she managed to conceal that stayzer when she came aboard?   Her dress has no pockets and is too form-fitting for her to conceal it, and with no handbag either.

SNOTTY
Yes, frankly the mind boggles.

Romulusean officers take Spak, Quirk, and Snotty by the arms and lead them away toward a door to a corridor where more Romulusean officers are waiting to take them into custody.

Romulusean teleport officer works controls again and in teleport circles images start to flicker again.

Then Romulusean Babe and Romulusean Officer materialise.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Honestly, I am not a lesbian.   My body holes just need a few months rest.

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER (Sceptical.)
Yes, of course.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
No, honestly, you don’t know what an animal that Mr Spak is.   He might seem cold and detached when he’s got his clothes on.   But in the sack he’s a demon!…
(Half a beat.)
Come to think of it, that probably explains the pointy ears!

They walk across to the door to the corridor.

ROMULUSEAN OFFICER (Sceptical.)
Whatever you say, Captain.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Pleading.)
No, honestly!   Honestly!

INT. BRIG ABOARD DEATH-BIRD — LIT
Captain Quirk and Snotty are in the cell alone.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Looking round cell.)
Is there any way to trip the electric door, Snotty?

SNOTTY (Taking small handset from rear pocket.)
Possibly, but it’ll take some time.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — DEM BONES
is seated at the Captain’s chair.

ROCKA HULA
What are the odds of us actually finding them?

DEM BONES
I’m engaged in trying to scientifically locate the Captain and the others, Rocka Hula.   Not in idle games of chance!

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
So what do you think the odds are, then?

DEM BONES
About ten-to-one against ever finding them.

ROCKA HULA
Just as a matter of interest, if we don’t find them, am I still demoted to toilet-cleaner third-class?

DEM BONES
No.   With the loss of Zulu and Jerkoff in the last film, if we lose the Captain, Spak, and Snotty in this film, you’ll become crucial to help us to pilot the Energize back to Starkfleet.

ROCKA HULA
So…
(Half a beat.)
Strictly speaking, I’d be better off if we don’t find them?

DEM BONES
Well, yes.   But I’m sure you’ll do everything within your power to locate them anyway.

ROCKA HULA (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Oh, of course I will…
(Half a beat.)
Trust me on this one!

DEM BONES
Uh-oh, something tells me Spak and the others are as good as dead!

INT. BRIG ABOARD DEATH-BIRD — LIT — SNOTTY
still working on the door release.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
How’s it coming, Snotty?

SNOTTY
No good, I’m afraid, Jim.   I canna open it.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Did you try turning the handle?

SNOTTY
Of course not, you great sassan….

As he talks, Snotty reaches out and grabs the door handle and turns it, and the door swings open.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
You were saying, Snotty?

SNOTTY (Angry.)
Shut up!

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BRIG — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK &
Snotty step out and look about carefully.

There is no one in sight so they creep slowly down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — A FEW MINUTES LATER, CAPTAIN QUIRK and Snotty are still creeping down the corridor, when a door in the wall beside them WHOOSHES open.

Quirk and Snotty jump back in shock, however, there is no one inside the room.

INT. ARMAMENTS’ ROOM — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK
and Snotty looking in through the open door.

SNOTTY
The weapons room.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Careful, Snotty it could be a trap.

He starts to step forward then stops and waves a hand for Snotty to lead.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
After you.

SNOTTY
Thank you, Captain.

He steps into the room, with Quirk following.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE WEAPONS ROOM — LIT — A FEW
MINUTES LATER — CAPTAIN QUIRK & SNOTTY
step out again, now armed to the tooth with stayzers, swords, shields, and traditional rifles.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Okay, let’s go.

They start off down the corridor to LHS again and are startled, when another door WHOOSHES open as they pass.

INT. SLEEPING QUARTERS — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK &
SNOTTY looking in through open door.   The room is empty.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SLEEPING QUARTERS — LIT

CAPTAIN QUIRK
No one here, either.   What the hell is going on?

SNOTTY
Could they have abandoned ship for some reason?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Anything is possible.

They start down the corridor again.

INT. DEATH-BIRD, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — NO ONE IN SIGHT
DOOR WHOOSHES open and Quirk and Snotty leap into room.

SNOTTY (Looking about.)
No one here, either.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Pointing at communication equipment.)
Good, we can signal the Energize from here.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE

ROCKA HULA
Dem Bones I’m receiving a communication from the Death-Bird.

DEM BONES
Well, tell her to turn her hearing-aide up.

ROCKA HULA
No, dummy, Death-Bird, not deaf bird.

DEM BONES
Sorry, I’d better turn my hearing-aide up.

ROCKA HULA
It’s from the captain.

INT. DEATH-BIRD, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK
talking into intercom.
   (INTERCUT INTERCOM SEQUENCE.)

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Captain Quirk calling the Energize.   Captain Quirk calling the Energize.

DEM BONES
Go ahead, Jim, we’re receiving you loud and clear.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Snotty and I are aboard the Death-Bird, which seems to have been abandoned.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
What about Mr Spak?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
There’s no sign of Spak, they must have taken him with them.

DEM BONES
Damn, looks like we’ve gotta go chasing after Spak again.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Wouldn’t it be simpler just to promote me to science officer?

SNOTTY/CAPTAIN QUIRK/ROCKA HULA/DEM BONES/
ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS/YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
No!

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Damn!

INT. DEATH-BIRD, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE
Teleport beams drop from the ceiling, then the images of Dem Bones, Ensign Melons, Nurse Grapple, and Rocka Hula appear.

After a few seconds the images solidify and they walk across to Quirk and Snotty.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
First things first.   We have to organise a thorough search of this Death-Bird.

DEM BONES
It might be best for safety sake if we go in pairs.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (He stares at Ensign Melons’s chest.)
You’ve already got a pair, so you can go by yourself.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Okay.

She turns and strides out into the corridor.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE FLIGHT DECK — LIT
DOOR WHOOSHES open and Ensign Melons walks out, closely followed by Quirk and the others.

Quirk bends over at the waist to stare at Ensign Melons’s ass, which is going like a pendulum.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
On second thoughts I might look with you, Ensign Melons.

He races to catch up with her.

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER, CAPTAIN QUIRK
and Ensign Melons walking down corridor together.

DOOR WHOOSHES open as they walk past.

INT. BEDROOM — LIT
Door open, Quirk and Ensign Melons looking in.

Quirk puts an arm around her waist and guides Ensign Melons into the bedroom.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Actually this might be a good place for us to start.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Why in here, Captain?

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Just call it a hunch.

He starts to lead her across to the bed, when there is the BUZZ of his communicator.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (With feeling.)
Damn!

He takes communicator from his pocket and flips it open.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Quirk here.

DEM BONES O/S (Over intercom.)
We’ve found Mr Spak in the medi-unit.   You’d better get down here right away.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Damn you, you overzealous bastard!

INT. MEDI-UNIT — LIT — DEM BONES, NURSE GRAPPLE,
Rocka Hula and Snotty are standing by a padded bench on which Spak lies, strapped up to life-support apparatus.

DOOR WHOOSHES open and Quirk and Ensign Melons enter.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh my God, what have they done to him?

Quirk races over to examine him.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Oh God, he’s got no life readings at all.

ROCKA HULA
You mean he’s dead?

DEM BONES
No, worse than dead.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Shocked.)
Don’t tell me they’ve turned him into a zombie!

DEM BONES
No, dingleberry, I mean he hasn’t got a brain.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Actually that explains a lot with Spak.

ROCKA HULA
Shut up you bimbo.

DEM BONES (Frustrated.)
I meant his brain is missing.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
With Spak, how can you tell the difference?

SNOTTY
Well, look who’s talking.

Ensign Melons looks puzzled, considering this.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Are you sure Spak ever had a brain?

DEM BONES (Frustrated.)
Well, of course, I’m sure…
(Half a beat.)
Well…
(Half a beat.)
Pretty sure that is.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
We’d better beam him aboard the Energize at once.

Captain Quirk flicks open his communicator.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Quirk here, beam us up.

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated at the teleport controls.
   (INTERCUT INTERCOM SEQUENCE.)

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
How did you go?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
We’ve found Spak.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Damn, that means I still won’t get promoted to science officer, doesn’t it?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Shut up, and just beam us up!

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Well, sor…
(Half a beat.)
Ree.

He operates the teleport controls.

Yellow beams drop from the ceiling to the teleport rings and the patterns of Quirk and the others start to appear.   They shimmer for a moment or two, then solidify.

Dem Bones and Snotty are supporting Spak between them.

DEM BONES
Let’s get him to sick bay quickly.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
What’s happened to Mr Spak?

DEM BONES
He’s lost his brain.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
How can you tell the difference?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Forget it, we’ve already done that joke.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Damn!   How come you get all the best jokes in this movie?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Because I’ve got the best tits of any of the chicks in this movie.

ROCKA HULA/NURSE GRAPPLE (Looking down at themselves.)
Like hell you do!

ROCKA HULA
Mine are the best.

NURSE GRAPPLE
Like hell they are!

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Clapping his hands together.)
Girls!   Girls!   Girls!   We have to get Spak to life support urgently.   You can argue about whose tits are best later.

NURSE GRAPPLE/ROCKA HULA
Oh, okay.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Just so long as you don’t forget!

They all turn round to stare at her.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Quirk and Dem Bones
walk out and walk along the walkway and down to the flight deck.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
How long do we have Dem Bones?

DEM BONES
Well, theoretically we can keep Spak’s body functioning on life-support for years.   But of more concern is his brain.   If it’s not cryogenically frozen we could have only a matter of hours to find it and replace it to avoid irreparable brain damage.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Any sign of the Romuluseans’ vaporous trail, Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated?

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Yes sir, we’ve traced it to the Alpha-Stigmata system.
(He flips a switch on his consul & a star-chart appears on viewer screen.)
There are five habitable planets in that system: Alpha-Stigmata-One, Alpha-Stigmata-Two, Alpha-Stigmata-Three, Alpha-Stigmata-Four, and Alpha-Stigmata….

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Impatient.)
Yes, yes, yes, Alpha-Stigmata-Five, we get the idea!

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
No, actually it’s Alpha-Stigmata-Six.   There used to be another planet but it was wiped out by a comet.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Angry.)
Shut up!   Just tell us which is the one they’re most likely to have taken Spak’s brain to?

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Well, Alpha-Stigmata-One and -Two are both in the mediaeval stage, their cave-dwelling inhabitants are incapable of space flight.   Alpha-Stigmata-Three has only primitive protozoic life-forms.   Alpha-Stigmata-Four….

CAPTAIN QUIRK
For God’s sake, just tell me which one!

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
(Sulky.)
Alpha-Stigmata-Six.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Why?

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Well, for one thing, the chicks on Alpha-Stigmata-Six are reported to have incredibly big tits.
(To Ensign Melons.)
You might not get a look in anymore, blondie.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh pooh!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
All right, Alpha-Stigmata-Six it is.

DEM BONES
A guess, Jim?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yes.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
But if you’re wrong, Spak is dead.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Shouting.)
So sue me!   Jesus, I never claimed to have fuckin’ ESP.   No one’s perfect you know?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Well, sor…
(Half a beat.)
Ree.

DEM BONES
Jesus, what a grouch!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Snotty, Dem Bones you’d better come with me when I beam down.

Quirk, Dem Bones, and Snotty turn and head toward the elevator bay.

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT — YEOMAN RANDY JANICE is operating teleport controls as Quirk, Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated, Snotty, Dem Bones, Ensign Melons, Rocka Hula and two security men stand on teleport rings.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
All right put us down.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Okay, you’re a bastard, a mongrel, an impotent eunuch, an….

Quirk sighs from frustration.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
No, no, dingleberry, I meant put us down to the surface of the planet.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE (Embarrassed.)
Oh, I see…
(Half a beat.)
Sorry, Captain.

She operates the teleport controls.   Their images start to shimmer, then fade out.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN, ALPHA-STIGMATA-SIX — DAY
Yellowy light beams appear from the sky, then the images of Quirk and the others appear.

They shimmer for a few seconds, then solidify.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
My God, it’s a barren life-less desert on this planet.

ROCKA HULA
There can’t be another living soul within a thousand kilometres of here.

EXT./INT. ROCKY TERRAIN/LUNCHROOM — DAY
A BLIND ROLLING DOWN QUICKLY, as a large square of background scenery falls down on them, revealing a dozen or so people eating lunch in a lunchroom behind them.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS O/S
Oh my God, the sky is falling!

ROCKA HULA O/S
Relax, dingleberry, the background scenery has fallen on us.

SNOTTY O/S (Angry.)
Well, come on you great Sassenachs can’t you get it up again.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS O/S
Well, look who’s talking?

SNOTTY O/S
Shut up!

WINCH OPERATING, then the scenery is slowly rolled back up and into place.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN, ALPHA-STIGMATA-SIX — DAY
Around the plains are the bodies of a dozen or more animal-hide-wearing men.

Quirk and the others race over to start examining them.

DEM BONES
Dead.

He races across to examine another one.

DEM BONES
This one’s dead too.

SNOTTY
This one is alive.

He helps a badly injured man up to a sitting position as Dem Bones races across to examine him.

DEM BONES
Who did this to you, man.

DYING MAN
The Givers of Pain and Delight.

SNOTTY
Sounds like very aggressive chicks.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Explain that, Snotty?

SNOTTY
Well, what’s more delightful than screwing?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Nothing.

SNOTTY
So the Givers of Pain and Delight must be sadistic chicks.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
That’s logical.   Mr Spak would be proud of you.

SNOTTY
You dinna orta insult a body like thart!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Sorry, I meant no disrespect to Spak.

SNOTTY
Bugger Spak!   You insulted me by comparing me to him!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
What else can you tell us about these Givers of Pain and Delight?

DYING MAN
They’re…
(Half a beat.)
They’re…
(Half a beat.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He collapses.

DEM BONES
He’s dead, Jim.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Angry.)
I’ve warned you before in this film about using that cliché, Dem Bones!

DEM BONES
Sorry, Jim.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
All right, scout around, we have to try to find more survivors.

They set off to do as instructed.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — ROCKA HULA &
Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated walk into SHOT from LHS and see a woman lying on the ground.

ROCKA HULA (Pointing at woman.)
Over there.

They race over and start to examine her.

ROCKA HULA
She’s alive.

EXT. OPEN TERRAIN — DAY — CAPTAIN QUIRK &
SNOTTY walking along examining corpses.

Quirk’s communicator buzzes.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Flicking open communicator.)
Quirk here.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY

ROCKA HULA
Captain, we’ve found someone alive.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
It’s a chick, and the tits aren’t bad.

EXT. OPEN TERRAIN — DAY
Quirk and Snotty exchange a shocked look.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — AS BEFORE

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
(Looking at his wristwatch.)
One…
(Half a beat.)
Two…
(Half a beat.)
Three…
(Half a beat.)
Four…
(Half a beat.)
Five….

ROCKA HULA (Puzzled.)
Why the hell are you counting?   They must be two or three kilometres from here.   They can’t possibly get here….

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then Quirk and Snotty run into view from LHS and race over to look at injured woman.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Between pants.)
Oh my God, it really is a chick!

SNOTTY (Between pants.)
And the tits aren’t bad at all!

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then Dem Bones and security man run into view from RHS and race over to look at injured woman.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then the remaining security man appears from LHS and races over to look at injured woman.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
You underestimated the power on men of those magic words, “It’s a chick, and the tits aren’t bad.”

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Take her up to the ship, Dem Bones.

DEM BONES (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Through every hole in her body, Jim.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
You deaf old bastard, I meant beam her up to the ship to try to help her.

DEM BONES
Damn!

Dem Bones takes out his communicator and clicks it open.

DEM BONES
Two to beam up.

Teleport beams drop from the sky and engulfs Dem Bones and woman.

Their images start to shimmer and finally fade out altogether.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Any life-readings down here.

Rocka Hula and Ensign Melons check their third-quarters.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
No intelligent life on this planet, Captain.
(Half a beat.)
And that includes us.

They all turn to stare at her.

ROCKA HULA (At camera.)
Sad, but true.
(To Quirk.)
Actually my third-quarter registers humanoid life nearby.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Checking again.)
No, none at all.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Frustrated.)
Well, which is it?

Rocka Hula leans over to look at Ensign Melons’s third-quarter.

ROCKA HULA
Dingle, you forgot to turn it on.

She clicks a switch on Ensign Melons’s third quarter.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Angry.)
Smart cow!

ROCKA HULA
Actually, you’re the one with the massive udders, not me.

CLOSE UP on ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS’s chest.

CLOSE UP on ROCKA HULA’s chest.

PAN BACK to include everyone.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Sad, but true.

ROCKA HULA
Shut up.
(Half a beat.)
And don’t steal my jokes!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Well, what’s the verdict?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Give it a moment to warm up, Captain…
(Half a beat.)
Oh yeah, she’s right, humanoid life somewhere out there.

She points toward the desert in front of them.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Okay let’s go.

He starts off with Snotty and the others behind him.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Shocked.)
Out into the desert?

ROCKA HULA
Yes, dingleberry, if it gets too hot we can always beam back up to the starkship.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh yeah, I forgot.

EXT. SANDY DESERT — DAY — AN HOUR LATER
Quirk and the others look on the brink of exhaustion.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
God I don’t think I can take this heat anymore.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
She’s right, Captain.

Quirk is also looking a bit fatigued.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Okay, I’ll call the ship.

He takes out his communicator and clicks it open.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Quirk here, put me through to the Doc.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE O/S
Will do.

DEM BONES O/S
Jim?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
How’s the girl, Doc?

INT. ENERGIZE, SICK BAY — LIT — DEM BONES
is standing beside padded couch on which lies the woman he beamed up.

DEM BONES
Not bad, not bad at all.   Nice big tits…
(Lifting the hem of her dress.)
And very sexy legs as well.

CAPTAIN QUIRK O/S
No, I meant how is she doing?

DEM BONES (Unenthusiastic.)
She’ll live.

EXT. SANDY DESERT — DAY, SUN BLAZING

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yeoman Janice?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE O/S
Captain?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
We’re ready to beam up.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE O/S
Very well, just….

STATIC CRACKLING only from communicator.

Rocka Hula, Snotty and the others pull out their communicators and flip them open, only to hear the same STATIC CRACKLING.

ROCKA HULA
What could’ve happened?

SNOTTY
Either the whole communications network has gone down, or the Energize is no longer there.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
at helm desperately trying to slow down Energize.

On viewer screen stars are showing as streaks indicating they are travelling at record speed.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Dem Bones and Nurse Grapple step out onto the walkway above flight deck.

DEM BONES
What the hell is going on?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
I don’t know, the ship just took off at warped-factor twenty-seven.

NURSE GRAPPLE
You know, on reflexion, this does highlight a fundamental weakness in the idea of Captain Quirk, Mr Spak, and Snotty all going down on away missions together.   If any one of them were up here he might be able to work out what’s going on.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE (Glaring at Nurse Grapple.)
Smart bitch, trust you to pick out the bleedin’ obvious when Gene Roddenberry couldn’t see it!

EXT. SANDY DESERT — DAY, SUN BLAZING — CAPTAIN QUIRK
and the others are checking the surroundings with their third-quarters.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
What’s the verdict?

ROCKA HULA
No sign of water within a thousand kilometres of here.

SNOTTY
And no edible vegetation.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Hysterical.)
Oh God, we’ve got nothing to eat or drink!   We’re all going to die.

Quirk turns to look at Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated, who is fifty metres or so from them.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Quietly.)
Unless we kill Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated…
(Half a beat.)
And eat him.

The others all turns round to stare at Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated and start smiling broadly.

Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated looks round and sees them all smiling at him.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Hey guys what are you all smiling at?

They all instantly stop smiling.

CAPTAIN QUIRK/ROCKA HULA/SNOTTY/ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Innocent.)
Nothing.

Mr. ONLY-APPEARING-IN-THIS-MOVIE-TO-GET-ANNIHILATED
Uh-oh, if I didn’t know them all better…
(Half a beat.)
I’d swear they were planning to kill me and eat me.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS behind them, then a tall, spiky-haired woman, NORKS-LEADER, comes into view around a group of rocks.

Norks-Leader tosses a spear that hits Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated, who screams and falls to the ground, dead.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh my God did you see that!   He was killed by a woman with big, pointy hair.

SNOTTY
Not to mention big, pointy tits.

He Pulls out a stayzer and runs after Norks-Leader who flees for cover behind the rocks, about fifty metres away from them.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Snotty, how dare you!

ROCKA HULA
Yeah, you should know by now that only the Captain is allowed to do sexist jokes in this film.

Rocka Hula goes over and kneels to examine Mr Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated.

ROCKA HULA
No doubt about it, he’s definitely dead.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Can we still eat him?

ROCKA HULA
I doubt it.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Damn, now we really do have nothing to eat on this planet.

Quirk looks across at Snotty who is tentatively looking around the RHS of the rocky out-crop.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Unless we kill Mr Snot…
(Half a beat.)
And we eat him.

Rocka Hula and Ensign Melons both turn to look at Snotty and grin broadly.

Snotty turns and comes racing back toward them.

SNOTTY
Captain, look out there’s a whole parcel of…
(He stops, seeing them grinning at him.)
Uh-oh, I’ve got this terrible feeling that they’re planning to kill me and eat me!

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS behind them, then Norks-Leader reappears followed by half-a-dozen other warrior women, plus Romulusean Babe and Oh-Babe.

ROMULUSEAN BABE (Pointing a stayzer at Quirk.)
Looks like you’re our prisoner again, Captain Quirk?

OH-BABE (Smug.)
What do you say now, Captain?

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Hesitant.)
Well, having walked blindly into two of your traps in one day…
(Half a beat.)
I guess there’s only one thing I can say.

OH-BABE (Smug.)
And what is that?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Just this.

He punches her hard in the face with his right fist.

Oh-Babe grunts and goes flying backwards, blood splattering everywhere.

Romulusean Babe and female-warriors turn round to stare at prone figure of Oh-Babe in astonishment.

ROCKA HULA
The captain always did know how to treat a lady.

SNOTTY
Aye, that’s probably why he never gets any pussy.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Yeah, you certainly don’t want to bend over to touch your toes in front of him.

ROCKA HULA
That’s for sure.

SNOTTY
Diplomacy always was his greatest talent.

ROCKA HULA
Up until now anyway.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Lock them up in the citadel.

ROCKA HULA
Who are these chicks, anyway.

SNOTTY
They must be the Givers of Pain and Delight.

NORKS-LEADER
That is only what the savages on this planet call us.   Our correct title is the Norks.

ROCKA HULA
And what about them?   The men?

NORKS-LEADER (Disgusted.)
The savages are called the No-Norks.

INT. ENERGIZE, JEFFERSON DAVIS TUBE — LIT
Yeoman Janice is crawling along the tube with Dem Bones
not far behind her.

Dem Bones lifts up the hem of Yeoman Janice’s skimpy skirt to reveal her bare backside.

DEM BONES
Jesus, Snotty was right, no panties.

Yeoman Janice slaps at Dem Bones’s hands so he drops her skirt.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Stop that, you pervert!…
(Half a beat.)
Something tells me I should have let you lead the way.

She starts crawling faster until reaching a slightly higher section where there is a large circuit-board in the wall.

Yeoman Janice swivels round to sit on the floor to conceal her backside from Dem Bones.

She squeals and jumps as her bare rear touches the cold metal.

DEM BONES
Serves you right, you cold bitch.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Shut up and just help me adjust these circuits so we can regain control of the Energize and go rescue Captain Quirk and the others.

DEM BONES
Couldn’t we just stay in here and screw?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
No!

DEM BONES
Damn!

INT. HIGH-SPEED ELEVATOR — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK
and the others in elevator whizzing downwards.

ROCKA HULA
Jesus, how far underground is this complex?

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Nearly eight kilometres.

Snotty does a low whistle.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:
INT. CORRIDOR, OUTSIDE ELEVATOR — DIM-LIT
ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Quirk exits, followed by Snotty, Rocka Hula, Ensign Melons, Norks-Leader, Romulusean Babe and the Norks.

Oh-Babe is leaning backwards holding a white rag to her bloody nose.

NORKS-LEADER
Just hold your head well back, honey.

They start walking down the corridor.

OH-BABE
Oh-ay.

NORKS-LEADER
Don’t try to talk, honey.

ROMULUSEAN BABE
Just hold your head well back.

INT. CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER
Finally they reach a door, which Norks-Leader points a handset at.

The door opens with a WHOOSH.

INT. CELL — DIM-LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK, SNOTTY,
Rocka Hula, and Ensign Melons step into the cell leaving Norks-Leader standing in the doorway.

A short, gorgeous girl of seventeen or eighteen steps forward.

NORKS-LEADER
Ah, there you are, Gorgeous.

She leans down and kisses girl on the mouth.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND is a typical bimbo.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Oh my God, I was worried about them killing us or torturing us.   But this is worse than I imagined…
(Half a beat.)
Dykery!

ROCKA HULA
Boy, are the feminists ever gonna kill you when they see this film.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Puzzled.)
You mean the lesbians, don’t you?

ROCKA HULA (Shrugging.)
Whoever!

DOOR WHOOSHES shut on them.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS (Hysterical.)
Oh my God, we’re trapped in here!   We’ll never get out!

SNOTTY
Dinna panic, cutie, we’re bound to think of something.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yes, and don’t forget when it comes down to the crunch, we have one overwhelming advantage over the Norks, which means we are certain to beat them.

SNOTTY (Puzzled.)
What is that, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
We are cool…
(Half a beat.)
And they are nerds.   And everyone knows that nerds can never outsmart cool cats.

SNOTTY (Puzzled.)
Yes, of course, why didn’t I think of that?

He punches Quirk hard on the chin, sending him flying backwards into the room.

Quirk crashes headfirst into the opposite wall then falls unconscious onto the bunk by the wall.

ROCKA HULA
Good, now maybe those of us with more than one brain cell can think of a way to get out of here.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Yeah, I hate dumb people.

Snotty and Rocka Hula stare at Ensign Melons.

ROCKA HULA
She really does not know how cruelly ironic that is!

INT. ENERGIZE, JEFFERSON DAVIS TUBE — LIT — DEM BONES
& YEOMAN RANDY JANICE are still repairing the circuit board.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
That’s about the best I can do.   It’s not perfect, but Snotty can patch it up better after we rescue him and the others.

DEM BONES
Okay, let’s get back to the flight deck.
(Waving a hand toward crawl space.)
After you.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE (Angry.)
I’m not falling for that again.   Jesus, you don’t have much regard for my I.Q., do you?

DEM BONES
No, but I’ve got great regard for your ass.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Shut up and just lead the way.

Dem Bones turns and starts crawling through the
Jefferson Davis Tube.

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — NURSE GRAPPLE
now at the controls.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Dem Bones and Yeoman Janice exit and start along the walkway toward the flight deck.

NURSE GRAPPLE
How’d it go?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
So-so, but it orta hold together till Snotty can fix it later.

DEM BONES (Clapping hands.)
Stop nattering girls and just take us back to rescue the captain and the others.

They both turn round to glare at him.

INT. CELL — DIM-LIT — AS BEFORE, CAPTAIN QUIRK
sitting up tentatively upon the small bunk.

SNOTTY
We could always try to kidnap the Norks-Leader’s girlfriend, and….

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Climbing to his feet again.)
And gang-bang her through every hole?

SNOTTY
No, and hold her for ransom.   Then we could….

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Gang-bang her through every hole?

SNOTTY
No, we could threaten to kill her if the Norks-Leader doesn’t release us immediately.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And gang-bang her through every hole?

ROCKA HULA
God, I wish Dem Bones was here so he could give the captain an injection to send him to sleep.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And gang-bang her through every hole?

SNOTTY
At the very least it will convince the Norks-Leader that we mean business.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And gang-bang her through every hole?

SNOTTY
So she’ll be more inclined to take us seriously.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And gang-bang her through every hole?

SNOTTY
Shut up!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
And gang-bang her through every hole?

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — DEM BONES
sitting in captain’s chair, Nurse Grapple and Yeoman Janice at the flight control consuls.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
We’re in orbit around the planet Alpha-Stigmata-Six now.

DEM BONES
Can you localise the body signatures of Captain Quirk and the others?

NURSE GRAPPLE
Yes, their body signatures are identified and locked into the teleport facilities.

DEM BONES
Very well, beam them up.

NURSE GRAPPLE (Fiddling with consul controls.)
I can’t, the teleport won’t pick them up.   It’s only working in send mode.

DEM BONES
In that case I’ll have to go down there with a few stayzers.   Yeoman Janice get back to the damn Jefferson Davis tube and try to fix the teleport…
(Half a beat.)
Properly this time.
(Yeoman Janice turns to glare at him.)
Nurse Grapple, you’re in charge of the comm.

Dem Bones and Yeoman Janice get up and start around toward the elevator bay.

At the elevator bay Yeoman Janice pulls a section of metal out of the wall and starts up into the Jefferson Davis tube again.

Dem Bones bends down to peer at her bare backside as she climbs into the tube.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Stop that, you pervert.

Dem Bones reluctantly looks up and hits the elevator button.

INT. CELL — DIM-LIT — AS BEFORE
Teleport beams drop from the ceiling then Dem Bones’s image starts to materialise.

It shimmers for a moment, then solidifies.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Dem Bones, at last, get us back up to the ship.

DEM BONES
No can do, the teleport is only working in send mode at the moment.

SNOTTY
Damn, that’s suspiciously convenient, isn’t it?

ROCKA HULA
Well, it sure adds excitement to the story, by getting us into a dangerous situation that we can’t just be teleported out of.

DEM BONES
Don’t worry, I’ve got Yeoman Janice fixing it.

SNOTTY
Jesus, that’s no reassurance.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Yeah, that bimbo fixing it.

ROCKA HULA
She really does not see how cruelly ironic that is.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CELL — DIM-LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK
and the others standing in the corridor, in front of the door, which is now standing open, with the lock cut away.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
See how Yeoman Janice is getting on with the teleport, Snotty.

SNOTTY
Aye, aye, Captain.
(He takes out a communicator and flicks it open.)
Yeoman Janice?

MR SPAK O/S
Mr Snot, is that you?

Quirk snatches the communicator from Snotty.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Spak, where the hell are you?

MR SPAK O/S
I am not sure, Captain.   Although I am sensory aware, I cannot see anything, and seem to be emersed in some form of liquid.

DEM BONES
That’s because you’re a disembodied brain.

MR SPAK O/S
Ah, that would explain a lot.

SNOTTY
But why would they want his brain?

DEM BONES
Possibly to power this complex in some way.

MR SPAK O/S
Yes, that is feasible.   My Megallan Obligatory is hard at work, apparently breathing and pumping blood throughout….

DEM BONES
For Christ’s sake, Spak, we don’t have time for all of that!

SNOTTY
Besides, all of that scientific mumbo-jumbo bores the audiences silly.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
So for Christ’s sake shut up talking nerdy scientific crap, before you make the damn movie flop.

MR SPAK O/S
Sorry, Captain…
(Half a beat.)
Why are you endangering your lives by coming here?

ROCKA HULA
We have to try to put your brain back into your body.

SNOTTY
It’s the least we can do.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Besides, it makes us look tough and macho and that helps us to get more pussy.

DEM BONES
Yeah, life would be a hell of a lot simpler if the chicks were turned on by yellow cowards, instead of brave macho types.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Besides, it’d be a pretty short movie, if we didn’t spend at least a couple of acts trying to put you back together again.

ROCKA HULA/CAPTAIN QUIRK/SNOTTY/DEM BONES
Shut up!

MR SPAK O/S
Shut up!

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh pooh!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Keep talking, Spak, and we’ll try to hone in on your signature.

MR SPAK
Very well, Captain.

INT. T-JUNCTION — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK
and the others approach the junction.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Which way now, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
I’m not sure, his signature is almost indecipherable?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
He always did have lousy handwriting.

CAPTAIN QUIRK/SNOTTY/ROCKA HULA/DEM BONES
Shut up!

MR SPAK O/S
Shut up!

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh pooh!

FOOTSTEPS from LHS, then Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend approaches.

She stops and stares at Quirk and the others.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
You?   How did you all get out of your cell?

She spins round and starts running.

Rocka Hula aims her stayzer and fires.

A yellow beam shoots out and hits Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend, who collapses.

DEM BONES
This is much better, you know what this means, don’t you?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
We gang-bang her through every hole?

SNOTTY (Shouting.)
Shut up for Christ’s sake!

DEM BONES
No, dingle, we can get her to take us to Spak.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Then we gang-bang her through every hole?

DEM BONES/SNOTTY/ROCKA HULA/ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Shut up, already!

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — CAPTAIN QUIRK & SNOTTY
each holding Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend by one arm, as they all walk along corridor.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND (Pointing at a door.)
He’s through there.

INT. SURGERY-CUM-LABORATORY — LIT
DOOR WHOOSHES open and Quirk and the others enter from the corridor outside.

Dem Bones is holding a third-quarter as he searches the room.   After a moment he walks over to a large, shiny orb on a pedestal.

DEM BONES
He’s in there, Jim.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Okay, signal for his body to be beamed down.

Dem Bones takes a communicator from his pocket, and clicks it open.

DEM BONES
Dem Bones here.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Nurse Grapple at helm.

NURSE GRAPPLE
Lorena here.

DEM BONES O/S
Is the teleport fixed yet?

NURSE GRAPPLE
No, it can still only send.

DEM BONES O/S
Okay, then send Spak’s body down here as soon as possible.

NURSE GRAPPLE
Does that mean you’ve found his brain?

DEM BONES O/S
Yes, but for God’s sake, stop ad-libbing.

NURSE GRAPPLE
Well, sor…
(Half a beat.)
Ree.

INT. SURGERY-CUM-LABORATORY — LIT

DEM BONES (Clicking communicator shut.)
She always was a sarky cow.

SNOTTY
Well, she’s certainly got the udders for it.

Teleport beams drop from the ceiling, then Spak’s image starts to shimmer and finally solidifies into his body.

Dem Bones and Snotty walk over and take it by the arms to lead Spak’s body across to an operating table.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Now what?

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Pointing at Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend.)
Now she puts Spak’s brain back into his body.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
Who me?   I don’t know how to do that?

DEM BONES (Scanning her with third-quarter.)
She’s telling the truth, Jim.   Her brain operates on a very basic, primitive level.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Well, after all, she is only a chick.   It’s not as though she’s a man, with a man’s mental capabilities.

ROCKA HULA/ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONSNORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
Huh!   What was that!

SNOTTY
Boy, are the chicks ever gonna get you when they see this film.

ROCKA HULA
But if she can’t reattach his brain, who can?

DEM BONES
Don’t look at me.

Snotty starts looking about the room, and sees what looks like an aluminium football helmet, with wires sticking out of it.

He picks up the helmet.

SNOTTY
I wonder what this is?

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
That’s the brain-enhancer.   By wearing it we can learn many wondrous things, such as how to remove or replace a living, human brain.

Quirk and the others turn round to stare at Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
Whoops!   On reflexion something tells me I shouldn’t have told them that.

MR SPAK O/S
She must have worn it before to boost her brain power.

DEM BONES
So if I were to wear this, it could enhance my medical knowledge and teach me to replace Spak’s brain?

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
Exactly…
(Half a beat.)
Damn I shouldn’t have said that either.

SNOTTY
But that’s unnatural!   It’s against the laws of God and man.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
I’ll say!   A chick with an I.Q. as high as a man’s.

ROCKA HULA/ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Huh!   What was that!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Help me get this helmet on her again, then.

Snotty steps behind Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend and grabs her arms, while Quirk lifts the helmet onto her head.

DEM BONES
Now if I can just figure out how to make this work.

He fiddles with the controls on the helmet for a while, then the helmet starts HUMMING.

ROCKA HULA
Well, you’ve started something anyway.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Don’t worry, if it kills her, we can always experiment on Rocka Hula next.

Rocka Hula turns to glare at her.

Helmet HUMS madly for a moment, then Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend reaches up and clicks a switch to turn it off.

Quirk takes the helmet off Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend, then leans down to stare into her eyes.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
How’d it do?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
I don’t know, she still looks like a bimbo to me.

ROCKA HULA (Shaking her head.)
She really does not know how cruelly ironic that is.

Ensign Melons turns to glare at her.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
It did well enough so that I now know how to use this.

She pulls a stayzer from Quirk’s belt and aims it at him.

SNOTTY
That stayzer is set to kill.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Thank you big mouth, she didn’t have to know that!

SNOTTY
I’m not worried, Captain…
(Half a beat.)
She’s pointing it at you and Dem Bones, not at me.

CAPTAIN QUIRK/DEM BONES
You bastard, Snotty!

Rocka Hula slams her right hand into Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend’s arm, knocking the gun out of her hand, then she punches Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend in the face.

Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend grunts and collapses to the ground.

DEM BONES
So much for that brilliant plan, Captain, any more master strokes?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yes, you’ll have to try the brain-enhancer, Dem Bones.   After all you’re a surgeon, more or less, to begin with.

ROCKA HULA
But we don’t know what it will do to him.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Yes, it’s designed for an alien brain.   Not a human one.

ROCKA HULA
Then maybe we should try it on you.

Ensign Melons sticks her tongue out at Rocka Hula.

DEM BONES
It should be safe for one use.   Don’t forget the natural difference in our I.Q.s.   After all she’s a bimbo.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Yeah, but she’s not that much smarter than you.

ROCKA HULA
Speak of the devil!

DEM BONES (Glaring at her.)
No, dingle, I meant I am smarter than her!

Rocka Hula and Ensign Melons exchange a dubious look.

ROCKA HULA/ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
If you say so.

DEM BONES (Glaring at them.)
I do say so.   She’s naturally a bimbo, with an I.Q. no higher than that of a jellyfish…
(Half a beat.)
Or Pamela Anderson…
(Half a beat.)
Whichever is higher.   Whereas I’m a trained surgeon with an I.Q. probably two or three times as high as hers.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
So you’re two or three times as smart as a jellyfish?

ROCKA HULA
Or at best, two or three times as smart as Pamela Anderson?
(Straight at camera.)
Poor bastard, somebody please shoot him.

SNOTTY
God save us, I wouldn’t let him lance a boil on my bum!   Let alone operate on my brain!

DEM BONES
Okay, okay, two bad examples.   I meant I’m smart and she isn’t.

ROCKA HULA/ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS/SNOTTY/
CAPTAIN QUIRK (Sceptical.)
If you say so.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Still she is a Giver of Delight.

DEM BONES (Aiming stayzer at Quirk.)
And I’ll be a Giver of Pain in a second, if you don’t all shut up…
(Half a beat.)
Now just help me to put the helmet on.

ROCKA HULA
Jesus, what a grouch!

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Yeah, how tetchy can you get?

Snotty and Quirk put the helmet onto Dem Bones’s head and turn it on as Dem Bones puts away his stayzer.

Timer WHIRRING, then CHING as helmet shuts itself off.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Sounds as if he’s done.

ROCKA HULA
Shut up, or you’ll be done.

SNOTTY
She will be if I can ever con her into going into my cabin…
(Half a beat.)
Through every major hole in her body.

DEM BONES
Shut up, don’t distract me now…
(Half a beat.)
It’s incredible, Jim, just incredible.   I know all the secrets of the universe.   Why and how life first began.
(Shouting.)
Oh my God, I understand Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life!

ROCKA HULA (Shocked.)
Oh my God, he really is a genius.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Yeah I saw that film eight or nine times, and I still don’t understand it!

Dem Bones walks across to Spak and picks up the shiny sphere.

Then he walks round to Spak’s head and stands behind a screen.   He opens the sphere and starts operating at a furious pace.

SNOTTY
Look at him go.   He’s operating at warped-factor ten.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
Please, you cannot take our dominator.   Without him we will all die.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
No, your well ordered society will collapse, that’s all.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
But how will we live?

SNOTTY
Perhaps the No-Norks will take care of you.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
Those perverts!   All they’re interested in is gang-banging us until we’re bleeding through every hole in our bodies.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
In other words making you into women as God intended.

SNOTTY
Boy will the chicks ever murder you once they see this film, Captain.

INT. SURGERY-CUM-LABORATORY — LIT — TWO HOURS LATER
Dem Bones is still working flat-out reattaching the nerve-endings on Spak’s brain.

Suddenly Dem Bones stops and looks up.

DEM BONES (Shouting.)
Oh my God!

SNOTTY
What’s wrong, Doc?

DEM BONES
I don’t understand the meaning of life anymore.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Well, it is a pretty obscure film.

DEM BONES
No, dingleberry, I mean I’ve lost all my acquired knowledge.

ROCKA HULA
You’ve forgotten how to reattach the nerve-endings to Spak’s brain, Dem Bones?

DEM BONES
Yes.

SNOTTY
No worries, you’ll just have to use the brain-enhancing helmet again.

NORKS-LEADER’S GIRLFRIEND
No, on your human brain using it twice would be fatal.

DEM BONES
She’s probably right, Jim.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Then what can we do?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
One of us has to take the brain-boost and finish the operation.

SNOTTY
But we don’t have Doc’s medical training to start with.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Pointing at Norks-Leader’s Girlfriend.)
Neither did she, yet she removed his brain.

SNOTTY
Oh yeah, I never thought of that.   Good point, well made.

MR SPAK O/S
Actually there might be a better option.   Nurse Grapple has at least basic medical training and would be a better candidate for the brain boost than anyone else here.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
And she could use it more…
(Half a beat.)
The bimbo!

ROCKA HULA (Shaking head.)
She really does not understand how cruelly ironic that is.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Yeoman Janice and Nurse Grapple at flight consuls.

CAPTAIN QUIRK O/S (Over intercom.)
Quirk here.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Captain, how are things going?

DEM BONES O/S
Yeoman Janice?   Does that mean you’ve got the teleport working again?

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
As a matter of fact, yes.

INT. SURGERY-CUM-LABORATORY — LIT

SNOTTY
That’s suspiciously convenient.

ROCKA HULA
Yeah, just as the film’s about to end!

DEM BONES (Into intercom.)
Beam down immediately, Lorena, we need your help to save Spak’s life.

Yellow teleport beam drops from ceiling and the pattern of Nurse Grapple starts to appear.

It shimmers for a moment or two, then solidifies.

NURSE GRAPPLE (Between pants.)
Sorry, I took so long.

DEM BONES
I should have known the mention of saving Mr Spak’s life would bring her running.

ROCKA HULA
Yeah, if the teleport hadn’t been working, she would’ve swan-dived from the outer atmosphere.

Nurse Grapple glares at her.

Snotty and Quirk walk over and put the brain-enhancer helmet on the head of Nurse Grapple, who looks a little worried.

DEM BONES
Relax, Lorena, just remember this is to help Mr Spak.

ROCKA HULA
Just shut your eyes and think of England.

DEM BONES
Shut up, Rocka Hula.

Timer WHIRRING, then CHING as helmet shuts itself off.

NURSE GRAPPLE
Oh my God, it’s incredible, just incredible.   I know all the secrets of the universe.   Why and how life first began.
(Shouting.)
I understand Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life!

ROCKA HULA
Yeah, yeah, we’ve already done that joke.

NURSE GRAPPLE (With feeling.)
Damn!

Dem Bones leads her across to the operating table and Nurse Grapple starts operating on Spak at super speed.

INT. SURGERY-CUM-LABORATORY — LIT — AN HOUR LATER
Nurse Grapple suddenly stops operating.

DEM BONES
What’s wrong, Lorena?

NURSE GRAPPLE
Nothing, I’ve finish.

Spak suddenly sits up on the operating table.

MR SPAK
And an excellent job you’ve done, too.
(Swinging feet onto floor.)
If there is ever anything I could do for you, Lorena, just let me know?

NURSE GRAPPLE
Well, you could always let me sit on your face.

Quirk and the others turn to stare at her.

NURSE GRAPPLE
Er, well, um, that is, I don’t mean now in front of everybody.   Maybe later, once the film is over.

Snotty and Nurse Grapple help Spak to get down off the operating table.

He is a little unsteady on his feet, but is soon walking without difficulty.

MR SPAK
Just think, Jim, a planet in which the women are technically superior to the men.   And with the aid of the brain-booster, smarter as well.   The last known case of a society where the women were smarter than the men was on Earth…
(Half a beat.)
Back in the Neanderthal days.   Neanderthal Woman is believed to have had an I.Q. which sometimes reached as high as 15.   Whereas Neanderthal Man’s I.Q. peaked at 14.9.   Since then no woman on Earth has ever had an I.Q. as high as the average man.   And the same goes for every other culture in the known universe.

SNOTTY (Angry.)
For God’s sake shut him up before all the chicks walk out of the theatre.

DEM BONES
And worse than that, before they demand their money back.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
It’s your fault Dem Bones.   You and Lorena put his brain back in.

DEM BONES
Well, then what do you suggest?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Since you and Lorena can’t take the brain-boost again, I’ll have to take it and remove his brain again.

ROCKA HULA
Either that, or we could rip it out with a pair of pliers.

MR SPAK (Indignant.)
Don’t be ridiculous, Rocka Hula.

DEM BONES
Yeah, pliers indeed…
(Half a beat.)
Hack it out with a rusty scalpel, maybe.   But not pliers.

NURSE GRAPPLE
I was going to suggest a blunt butter knife.

DEM BONES (Puzzled.)
To remove his brain?

NURSE GRAPPLE
No, to cut off his balls.

SNOTTY
How would that shut him up?

NURSE GRAPPLE
It wouldn’t.   But it would make his voice higher.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
And improve his singing.

NURSE GRAPPLE/ROCKA HULA/CAPTAIN QUIRK/DEM BONES/
SNOTTY/MR SPAK
Shut up!

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Oh pooh!

Ensign Melons rubs her belly with one hand as it RUMBLES.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Anyway, when are we going to get out of here?   I’m starving.

ROCKA HULA
And we still don’t have any damn food to eat.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Unless…
(Half a beat.)
We kill Mr Spak…
(Half a beat.)
And we eat him!

NURSE GRAPPLE/ROCKA HULA/MR SPAK/ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS/DEM BONES/SNOTTY
Shut up!

ROCKA HULA
We’ve just come half way across the damn galaxy to rescue Mr Spak.   So we’re not going to eat him now.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Then who can we eat?

Ensign Melons bends round to look at Rocka Hula’s backside.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Well, Rocka Hula looks like she’s got more than a few prime rump steaks on her.

ROCKA HULA (Indignant.)
Hey!   Are you trying to say I’ve got a large backside?

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
Not at all.

ROCKA HULA
Well, that’s all right then.

ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS
I was just saying you’ve got a fat ass.

ROCKA HULA
Well, that’s all….
(She glares at Ensign Melons.)

SNOTTY
I think it would be best if we forget about eating anyone for now and just get out of here.

ROCKA HULA
Good idea.   It’s nice to finally hear from someone with more than one brain cell.

Quirk takes out his communicator and flicks it open.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Into communicator.)
Quirk here.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
at the flight consul.
   (INTERCUT INTERCOM SEQUENCE.)

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
Captain, how’d it go?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Almost perfect.   Lorena managed to re-install Spak’s brain, but now we can’t shut him up.

YEOMAN RANDY JANICE
So what’s new?   Can anyone ever shut up that pointy-eared chatterbox?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Good point, well said.   Now beam us up.

INT. SURGERY-CUM-LABORATORY — LIT
Teleport beams drop from the ceiling and engulfs Quirk, Spak and the others.

Then their images start to shimmer and finally fade out altogether.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — HALF AN HOUR LATER

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Spak I’ve been meaning to ask you…
(Half a beat.)
Is it true that you only take a mate once every seven years?

MR SPAK
Yes, Captain.   But I take her through every hole in her body, until she’s peeing blood, spitting blood and crying from haemorrhoid pain.

Everyone on the flight deck turns round to stare at Spak.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — SNOTTY & ENSIGN HONEYDEW-MELONS sitting at drive consuls.

On viewer screen can be seen a red planet, with smoke slowly billowing from it.

SNOTTY
Sensors confirm the entire planet is a mass of molten lava.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
So there’s no way I could beam down there without being burnt to a crisp?

SNOTTY
No, Captain.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Considering a moment.)
Well, could I beam Mr Spak down there?

SNOTTY
Then Mr Spak would be burnt to a crisp.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Maybe so, but at least I wouldn’t be hurt.

Spak, standing at his work station behind Quirk, turns round to glare at Quirk.

MR SPAK
Thank you, Captain, you’re all heart.

FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE:

TAG:

FADE IN:
STOP CLOSING CREDITS

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — HALF AN HOUR LATER
CAPTAIN QUIRK is at his seat, holding what looks like an oversized cobalt-blue, plastic football mounted on a rectangular base.

MR SPAK
What is that, Captain?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
I’m not sure.   I stopped to pick it up on the land-bridge, when we were running back to the starkship after encountering TONKA-MAN & LEGO-MAN in the last film.

MR SPAK (Astonished)
We had fourteen seconds to get back to the ship before the atmosphere vanished, and you stopped to pick something up?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yes.   Is there a problem with that?

MR SPAK (Amazed)
No, Captain.   But I’d like to request a transfer to another starkship before your next suicide mission.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
I’ll make a note of it.
(Taking up PC-notepad and electric pen/ writing as he talks)
MR SPAK wishes to commit suicide, before my next transfer mission.

MR SPAK looks puzzled, considering this.

SNOTTY

Maybe it’s Tonka-Man’s egg?   Be careful in cases it hatches, Captain.   The last thing we need is a miniature Tonka-Man running amok on board.

MR SPAK
Don’t be ridiculous, SNOTTY!

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Yes, males don’t lay eggs!

MR SPAK
No, Captain, I was going to point out that bio-electrical life forms don’t lay eggs.

SNOTTY

Then what do they lay?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Women, the same as the rest of us.

MR SPAK
They don’t lay eggs, because they’re man-made.

ROCKA HULA
Why can’t they be woman-made?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Don’t be ridiculous, that’s impossible … Unless of course they have a built-in dildo!

MR SPAK (Pointing to the “egg”)
Do any of the buttons work, Captain?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Only this one marked “blow up the universe”.

There are three rows of small buttons, below one of which it says, “BLOW UP THE UNIVERSE”.

Captain CAPTAIN QUIRK goes to push it.

MR SPAK
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

MR SPAK races across the flight deck and applies a style tackle to CAPTAIN QUIRK.

They both go falling on the floor, with the “egg” landing between them.

MR SPAK (Shouting)
You would push it, wouldn’t you?

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Given half a chance, yes.

SNOTTY
wanders over and picks up the egg.

SNOTTY

Well what’re you know?   It really does say, “blow up the universe”.
(He goes to push it)
Dem Bones, Rocka Hula, Spak, all race across the flight deck to try to stop him.

FREEZE FRAME with them all only feet from SNOTTY, his thumb hovering half an inch above the button and RESTART CLOSING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF TAG:

END OF FILM:

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