FADE IN:

INT. television studio – night

The set has a podium center stage.  Behind the podium are stained glass windows, but instead of religious scenes, we see different food groups; a pie, a turkey, etc. 

Announcer (O.C.)

You’re watching Cable Access Channel 91, Bossier City.

Church organ music begins to rise.  The REVEREND enters on stage.  The music fades out.

Reverend

Hello, friends.  Welcome to the Good Church of Sensible Weight Control and Pounds For Prayer

Ministry coming to you live from Bossier City, Louisiana.  I am the right Reverend “Billy Bob”

Burkett.  Friends, has the good Lord looked upon you and granted you a few extra pounds when you

weren’t looking?  Is the word “leftovers” no longer in your vocabulary?  When you walk on the

beach, is there a sudden reduction in umbrella rentals?  Whenever you walk by the

elephants at the zoo, do they yell out, “SALAD BAR!!!”?  Then perhaps it’s time you joined the

Good Church of Sensible Weight Control and Pounds For Prayer Ministry.  That’s right,

friends, lose pounds through prayer.  Now you might be saying to yourself, “Reverend Billy

Bob, have you gone completely out of your mind?  How can I, an obese and poor

excuse for a human being, with low self-esteem, possibly lose weight through prayer?”  Well,

let me tell you something, friends, it’s not your fault.   That’s right.  It’s not your

fault that you’re weaker than a Richard Simmons handshake. 

It’s not your fault that you are so absorbed by food that you make the Pillsbury doughboy

noise when you flatulate.  No siree, Bob.  Food and weight problems have been an ongoing

nightmare since the Unwritten Scriptures. 

That’s right, friends, our very own Scriptures were rewritten to avoid the truth about the weight

problems that were so prevalent during Biblical times.  We’re all familiar with the Scripture

telling us how Eve was made out of a rib from Adam.  But, according to the Unwritten

Scriptures, Eve actually, every night, ate a plate of ribs from a place called Adam’s Rib Joint. 

That’s right, friends.  And everyone remembers that meaningful tale in the Bible

where the very same Eve offered Adam that apple of temptation in the Garden Of Eden.