Written in 1996 (long before "Scrubs") in Australia, this Film is set in the U.S.A. where they have the worst public hospital system in the developed world, where people are shuttled from hospital to hospital in ambulances, until they die en route when they don’t have credit cards or cash to pay in advance for their hospital stay. The U.S.A. should send ambassadors to Canada to check out their hospital system: the best in the world!
DOCTOR DAREKILL: Elderly grey-haired doctor; slightly senile
DOCTOR BJORN CRAZY: Young, money-hungry doctor
NURSE JULIETTE BONEHEAD: MAIN NURSE
NURSE SUSHI HIROSHIMA
NURSE ZELDA: YOUNG TOPLESS NURSE
DIRECTOR OF HOSPITAL: MR WETWHISTLE
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: GAY EXECUTIVE
MISS HARLEY: DIRECTOR’S SECRETARY
1ST MAN IN OPENING TEASER
2ND MAN IN OPENING TEASER
OLD WOMAN: Bidder
OLD MAN: Bidder
MAN WITH CRUTCHES: Bidder
WOMAN IN WHEEL CHAIR: Bidder
OLD MAN LYING ON FLOOR: Bidder
MAN AT END OF CORRIDOR
MRS WILKINSON: Bidder with walking frame
MR HIRAM P. MEGABUCKS
MAURICE: MR MEGABUCKS’ chauffeur
MRS GOMEZ: Pregnant woman in hallway
MISS JONES: Luscious blonde patient
MRS GLORIA POTTER
MRS SYBIL DOBSON
MISS ANTHEA WHEELER
RICHARD LANE: A patient
WILLIAM: Young locum
MR ROSSITER: Patient on operating table
MR PURVIS: Patient with ear-ache
OLD MAN WHO DIES
BOB JOHNSON: Black expectant father
WHITE MAN: Friend of BOB JOHNSON
MR BUMFLUFF: Elderly patient
MISS deVILLIERS: Gorgeous blonde
MRS TUFNELL’S FATHER
OLD MAN WHO DIES AFTER SEEING ZELDA TOPLESS
MRS SPOTTYDICK: Plump, middle-aged patient
BLIND OLD MAN IN ALLEY
MRS MAVIS ALCOCK: Patient who buys pain-killers
RUTHIE: MRS ALCOCK’S daughter
BETTY: RUTHIE’S daughter
BELL-RINGER: Garbage truck driver
MR CONSTABLE: An amputee
MRS MARCHBANKS: An amputee
PATIENT ON TROLLEY
LARRY: Ambulance driver
RHONDA: Ambulance driver
SARAH HONEYDEW-MELONS: Gorgeous young blonde
MRS LARDBUTT: Fat woman on scales
FATHER: In Director’s office
SON: In Director’s office
MISS WENTWORTH: Collagen patient
Patients in corridor; Trainee Doctors being sworn-in; Japanese Nurses; Two Blonde Bimbos in bikinis; Other Men in Father’s Waiting Room; Babies in Viewing Room, Garbage-Collectors; Corpses lying in the street, or brought out on Trolleys; Orderlies wheeling out trolleys of dead people; Locums; Orderlies who tackle gunman;
CORRIDORS BETWEEN WARDS
DOCTOR DAREKILL’S EXAMINATION ROOM
BJORN CRAZY’S EXAMINATION ROOM
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR’S OFFICE
BASEMENT WITH FURNACE
WAITING ROOM FOR EXPECTANT FATHERS
–corridor outside, and glass-fronted room
OUT FRONT OF HOSPITAL
–Including car park
EMERGENCY ENTRANCE DOWN SIDE OF HOSPITAL
SPORTING TRACK, FOR HIGH-JUMP
EXT. OUTSIDE HOSPITAL — DAY — CAR PARK
Two men are walking across the car park toward a large
There is an EMERGENCY sign down the side of the building RHS of SHOT, and a couple of ambulances are parked by the emergency entrance.
There is a great line of people, some on crutches, in wheelchairs, or on walking frames, being led in through the side entrance of the hospital at break-neck speed.
Wow, that’s what I call caring service. They’re really keen to get the patients in there.
And out again.
He points toward the front entrance, LHS of SHOT, where the same patients are being rushed out again, only moments after entering the hospital.
So that’s what they mean by revolving-door medicine!
FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.
Calling Doctor BJORN CRAZY! Would Doctor BJORN CRAZY please come to reception…
(Half a beat.)
Calling Doctor BJORN CRAZY! Would Doctor BJORN CRAZY please come to reception?
INT. HOSPITAL — DAY — DIRECTOR’S OFFICE
The hospital DIRECTOR is sitting at his desk.
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