CHARACTERS
DOCTOR DAREKILL: Elderly grey-haired doctor; slightly senile

DOCTOR BJORN CRAZY: Young, money-hungry doctor

DOCTOR NAGASAKI

NURSE JULIETTE BONEHEAD: MAIN NURSE

NURSE BRENDA

NURSE SUSHI HIROSHIMA

NURSE SHIRLEY

NURSE TANYA

NURSE ZELDA: YOUNG TOPLESS NURSE

DIRECTOR OF HOSPITAL: MR WETWHISTLE

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: GAY EXECUTIVE

MISS HARLEY: DIRECTOR’S SECRETARY

MRS FUJI

1ST MAN IN OPENING TEASER

2ND MAN IN OPENING TEASER

OLD WOMAN: Bidder

OLD MAN: Bidder

MAN WITH CRUTCHES: Bidder

WOMAN IN WHEEL CHAIR: Bidder

OLD MAN LYING ON FLOOR: Bidder

MAN AT END OF CORRIDOR

MRS WILKINSON: Bidder with walking frame

MR HIRAM P. MEGABUCKS

MAURICE: MR MEGABUCKS’ chauffeur

MRS GOMEZ: Pregnant woman in hallway

MATRON: Middle-aged

MR SMITH

MISS JONES: Luscious blonde patient

MRS GLORIA POTTER

MRS SYBIL DOBSON

MISS ANTHEA WHEELER

RICHARD LANE: A patient

WILLIAM: Young locum

WILLIAM’S MOTHER

MR ROSSITER: Patient on operating table

MR PURVIS: Patient with ear-ache

MR BIRDCHIP

OLD MAN WHO DIES

BOB JOHNSON: Black expectant father

WHITE MAN: Friend of BOB JOHNSON

MR BUMFLUFF: Elderly patient

MISS deVILLIERS: Gorgeous blonde

MRS TUFNELL

MR TUFNELL

MRS TUFNELL’S FATHER

TOM: Orderly

OLD MAN WHO DIES AFTER SEEING ZELDA TOPLESS

MRS SPOTTYDICK: Plump, middle-aged patient

BLIND OLD MAN IN ALLEY

MRS MAVIS ALCOCK: Patient who buys pain-killers

RUTHIE: MRS ALCOCK’S daughter

RUTHIE’S HUSBAND

BETTY: RUTHIE’S daughter

MR HORNER

BELL-RINGER: Garbage truck driver

MR CONSTABLE: An amputee

MRS MARCHBANKS: An amputee

PATIENT ON TROLLEY

LARRY: Ambulance driver

RHONDA: Ambulance driver

SARAH HONEYDEW-MELONS: Gorgeous young blonde

MRS GREENTHUMB

MRS LARDBUTT: Fat woman on scales

FATHER: In Director’s office

SON: In Director’s office

ANAESTHETIST

GERALD: Gunman

MISS WENTWORTH: Collagen patient

EXTRAS
Patients in corridor; Trainee Doctors being sworn-in; Japanese Nurses; Two Blonde Bimbos in bikinis; Other Men in Father’s Waiting Room; Babies in Viewing Room, Garbage-Collectors; Corpses lying in the street, or brought out on Trolleys; Orderlies wheeling out trolleys of dead people; Locums; Orderlies who tackle gunman;

INTERIOR SETS
CORRIDORS BETWEEN WARDS

DOCTOR DAREKILL’S EXAMINATION ROOM

BJORN CRAZY’S EXAMINATION ROOM

DIRECTOR’S OFFICE

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR’S OFFICE

WOMEN’S WARD

BASEMENT WITH FURNACE

DELIVERY ROOM

WAITING ROOM FOR EXPECTANT FATHERS

BABY-VIEWING ROOM
–corridor outside, and glass-fronted room

OPERATING THEATRE

PRIVATE WARD

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
OUT FRONT OF HOSPITAL
–Including car park

EMERGENCY ENTRANCE DOWN SIDE OF HOSPITAL

SPORTING TRACK, FOR HIGH-JUMP

DARK ALLEYWAY

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTSIDE HOSPITAL — DAY — CAR PARK
Two men are walking across the car park toward a large
building.

There is an EMERGENCY sign down the side of the building RHS of SHOT, and a couple of ambulances are parked by the emergency entrance.

There is a great line of people, some on crutches, in wheelchairs, or on walking frames, being led in through the side entrance of the hospital at break-neck speed.

1ST MAN
Wow, that’s what I call caring service.   They’re really keen to get the patients in there.

2ND MAN
And out again.

He points toward the front entrance, LHS of SHOT, where the same patients are being rushed out again, only moments after entering the hospital.

1ST MAN
So that’s what they mean by revolving-door medicine!

FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.

NARRATOR V/O

Calling Doctor BJORN CRAZY!   Would Doctor BJORN CRAZY please come to reception…
(Half a beat.)
Calling Doctor BJORN CRAZY!   Would Doctor BJORN CRAZY please come to reception?

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
INT. HOSPITAL — DAY — DIRECTOR’S OFFICE
The hospital DIRECTOR is sitting at his desk.