(Photo courtesy of Joel Schnoor) 

For those of you who have not read Triond author Nutuba’s Aunt Ruth stories, you are missing out on some of the most hilarious grammar lessons you have ever read. My Aunt Martha, who just happens to be Nutuba’s Aunt Ruth’s next door neighbor, thinks so too. So when she found out that Nutuba (known in the real world as Joel Schnoor) had compiled his Aunt Ruth stories into a book; and that I was already in possession of a copy, she gave me a call.

Me: “Hello.”

Aunt Martha: So, I hear that Ruth’s nauseating nephew has published a book about her. When are you going to publish a book about me?”

Me: “Well….

Aunt Martha: “I thought so. My niece doesn’t care about me as much as Ruth’s nephew cares about her.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not…”

Aunt Martha: “Well, I guess I’ll have to live vicariously through Ruth again. Can you borrow me his book?”

Me: “No Aunt Martha, I can’t borrow you…”

Aunt Martha: “You don’t trust me with your book? I’m sure that Ruth’s nephew borrows her his books.”

Me: “No, you need to let me finish. I am the author of this little story, after all.”

Aunt Martha: “Very well, child. Why won’t you borrow me the book?”

Me: “I can’t borrow you anything. I have to loan it to you. I can loan you a book, you can borrow a book from me, but I can’t borrow you a book. It’s got something to do with transitive verbs and direct objects and stuff.”

Aunt Martha: “All right then, will you loan me your copy of Ruth’s nephew’s book?”

Me: “Of course I will loan it to you. You may borrow my books any time.”

Aunt Martha: “So why is there a picture on the cover of Ruth with a chicken on her head?”

Me: “It’s called I Laid an Egg on Aunt Ruth’s Head.”

Aunt Martha: “Now why would that nauseating nephew put an egg on Ruth’s head? That’s just ridiculous!”

Me: “You’ll just have to read the book to find out.”