Written 1997, I originally plotted out four episodes for a TV series based on An Australian Christmas Carol. When I had no success with the Aussie TV networks I then tacked the four episodes together to make this distinctly episodic movie script.
CHARACTERS
PHIL JONES: Late 30s.
MARG JONES: Phil’s wife; mid to late 30s
DON TEATREE: Joneses’ next door neighbour,
GLENDA TEATREE: Dan’s wife, 30s or 40s
MERMAID: Ranger Toni, 20s or 30s
VOICE OF SPIDER
POLICEMAN TALKING TO D24
VOICE OF D24 OVER MIKE
HELICOPTER PILOT
POLICEMAN BESIDE PILOT
VOICE OF WOMAN IN HOUSE BEHIND JONESES
BLONDE SUNBAKING TOPLESS
FEMALE POLICE INSPECTOR
TOSCA JONES: Phil’s son; 13
SANDY JONES; aged 9: Phil’s daughter
SANDY JONES; aged 13: Phil’s daughter
SANDY JONES; aged 18: Phil’s daughter
SANDY JONES; aged 25: Phil’s daughter
FRED: Waiter at French Restaurant
FEMALE DISCO DANCER
THIRD MAN AT STAG PARTY
FOURTH MAN AT STAG PARTY
WAITER: At vegetarian restaurant
MAN: In house across street
WOMAN: In house across street
DAUGHTER: In house across street
SON: In house across street
ELDERLY HOOKER
YOUNG HOOKER: Suzie Cynthia Gwen
GIGOLO
HARRIET: Marg’s eldest & ugliest stepsister
YVONNE: Marg’s second-eldest & second-ugliest stepsister
CERILLE: Marg’s youngest & least ugly stepsister
EXTRAS
2nd cop in Squad Car; Two male police constables; dancers at disco; women at bar at disco; people at tables in vegetarian restaurant; woman and kids from house across the street; people in Crown Casino car park; hookers in Crown Casino car park;
CROWDS
Outside church for JONESES’ wedding;
INTERIOR SETS
MARG & PHIL JONES’ HOUSE
— living room at front of house
— kitchen at rear of house
— corridor leading from kitchen to front door
— add-on extension behind house
— SANDY’s bedroom
HELICOPTER COCKPIT
DISCO c.1970s
— dance floor
— bar area
INSIDE JONESES’ OLD CAR
FRENCH RESTAURANT
INSIDE JONESES’ NEW VOLVO
VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT
INSIDE TEATREES’ ROLLS-ROYCE
EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
MARG & PHIL JONES’ HOUSE
— back yard
— street out front of house
SEASHORE
— basalt rocks upon which RANGER TONI sits
BACKYARD OF HOUSE NEXTDOOR TO JONESES
OUTSIDE CHURCH
CROWN CASINO CAR PARK
OUTSIDE UGLY STEPSISTERS’ HOUSE
TEASER:
FADE IN:
EXT. THE SEASIDE — DAY
Waves CRASHING on large basalt rocks by the coastline. Two or more whales are bobbing about in the ocean with a couple of baby whales tagging along behind. On the rocks beside the water sits a topless Mermaid with long flowing, green hair.
The Mermaid, actually RANGER TONI, is a brunette in her late thirties, a bimbo, who tries to impress with her thesaurus-learnt vocabulary.
MERMAID
This penultimate episode of Our Unnatural Environment, is envisioned as a celebratory exposition of the wonderiferous splenditude of this magnificent aquatic cetacean balaenidae…
(Half a beat.)
The simple observation of such a subliminally, stupendously gargantuan leviathan emersing and submersing in magnificent harmony with its aqueous environs…
(Half a beat.)
What a magnificent aquatic titan, a water-bound behemoth, a monumental, elephantine example of Mother Nature at her most extraordinary….
INT. JONESES’ HOME, LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL JONES, and DON and GLENDA TEATREE are sitting in armchairs around a large-screen TV watching the “mermaid” chattering away.
Phil Jones is a less cynical, but even lazier version of Al Bundy from Married With Children. Unlike Al, Phil is not a born loser, merely too lazy to get off his behind long enough to achieve any great success. He is in his mid-thirties with a slight paunch.
The Teatrees are U.S. friends of the Joneses who came to Oz on a holiday, then decided to stay on and scrounge off the Joneses. They are about the same age as the Joneses but perhaps more cynical.
Phil, nearest to TV, LHS of SHOT, looks astonished.
PHIL
Is she talking about whales or what?
DON
I think so?
GLENDA (Sitting between the two men.)
I hope so, I don’t like whats.
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
MERMAID
Oh what a breathtakingly magnificent, stupendous, prodigious, formidably, inimitably, immeasurably, unequivocally, wonderfully, vast gargantua. A capacious cetacean voluminarian…
(Half a beat.)
A superb living mountain, a munificent and magnificent creature of the water. A truly humungous, hippopotamic, cyclopean marvel. A wonderfully Antaean, Falstaffian beast of the deep…
(Half a beat.)
Indeed a Brobdingnagian, colossus of unbounded proportions yet strangely gracial in the extreme….
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — AS BEFORE
GLENDA
About the only big word she hasn’t used yet is “supercallafragellistic expialladotious”.
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
MERMAID
An almost supercallafragellistic expialladotious maritime entity.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — AS BEFORE
DON
I don’t believe she actually said it!
SHRILL, EFFEMINATE SCREAM from the other end of the house.
PHIL (Astonished.)
Was that you, Don?
DON
I don’t think so. Wait a minute, I’ll check.
He does a SHRILL EFFEMINATE SCREAM.
PHIL
No, not quite staccato enough. Glenda?
Glenda does a SHRILL EFFEMINATE SCREAM.
PHIL
No, not quite allegro enough. Ranger Toni?
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
MERMAID (Ranger Toni.)
I don’t think it was me. It sounded too verbrato, a little too fortissimo, with just a minute proportion….
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
Don’t give it to me in Esperanto! Just tell me if it was you?
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
Mermaid does a VERY HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK.
GLASS SHATTERING, and picture goes dim.
FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.
FADE OUT:
END OF TEASER:
ACT ONE:
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — PHIL, GLENDA, &
Don, sitting in front of the TV, which now has shattered glass.
GLENDA
Smart bitch! Trust her to be able to shatter glass!
FOOTSTEPS RUNNING DOWN CORRIDOR outside door.
MARG Jones bursts into the living room from the corridor.
Marg is the dominant partner in the Joneses, although Phil probably doesn’t realise this. She is mid 30s, good-looking, cynical, and inclined to grossly over-react to everything.
MARG (Hysterical.)
Oh my God, there’s a great big, black, hairy tarantula in our back extension.
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
MERMAID (Shocked.)
A colossal, Stygian, hirsute arachnid in your vestibule addendum?
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
GLENDA/DON/PHIL/MARG
Ah shut up!
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
MERMAID (Sulky.)
And you!
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL (To Marg.)
So why are you telling me? The last thing I wanted to hear was that there’s a great big, black, hairy tarantula in our back extension.
MARG
Well you’re the man of the house.
(Under breath.)
Or at least that’s what you keep telling me.
PHIL
Oh I see. Isn’t that just typical? All day long I have to listen to her bullshitting on about how women are just as good as men.
(Mimicking Marg.)
“Women can do anything men can do”, “women are just as good at taking care of themselves as men”, “Germaine Greer said this,” “Germaine Greer said that….”
DON
But when there’s a great big, black, hairy tarantula in your back extension, she expects you to run and save her, cause you’re the man of the house.
GLENDA (Shaking head.)
A typical woman!
(Puzzled.)
Hey wait a minute, what am I saying?
PHIL (Starting to stand.)
Oh well, I suppose I’ll have to go and save the little woman. Just so long as she acknowledges the basic superiority of men over women from now on.
MARG
In that case get stuffed! I’ll take care of the damn thing myself.
She turns and storms out into the corridor.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE LIVING ROOM — DAY
Marg storms out from the living room.
She strides down the corridor to the next room RHS of SHOT, throws open the door and goes inside.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
Marg emerges wearing Rambo-style camouflage-greens, with a ring of grenades on her belt, a bazooka and pump-action shotgun over her left shoulder, and carrying a bulky machine-gun.
CLOSE ON Marg’s face à la Rambo.
MARG
Tarantula, I’m comin’ ta get you!
INT. EXTENSION BEHIND HOUSE — DAY
It is more like a corridor behind the house than a room, with louvre windows along the back and a door leading out back, another door leading out the LHS.
A large spider is on the wood six inches below the louvres, just outside the back door.
Marg emerges from the back door of the house.
MARG
All right tarantula, this is where I prove that a woman can do anything a man can do.
She places the barrel of the shotgun only an inch or so from the spider.
The spider hooks a leg onto the barrel and climbs across to the gun.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She drops the machine-gun and grabs the pump-action shotgun.
The tarantula runs back up the wall to where it was before.
MARG
All right spider, it’s time to take out the trash.
She shoulders her shotgun, grabs a rubbish bin standing near the back door and carries it over to the LHS gate.
She opens the gate, places the bin outside, then shuts the gate and walks back.
MARG (Pointing shotgun again.)
All right tarantula I’m back from taking out the trash…
(Half a beat.)
Now it’s time to die.
She points the pump-action shotgun at the spider, only inches away, and fires.
EXPLOSION, then a hole appears where the spider was.
MARG (Satisfied.)
Well, I guess that takes care of you!
SCUTTLING from the hole, then the spider emerges and stands on the wood beside the hole.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah…!
(Half a beat.)
All right spider, see if you can avoid this?
She places the barrel only millimetres from the spider, but pulls back when the spider looks like trying to climb across to the barrel again.
MARG
Watch it you cretinous creepy crawly, you won’t catch me like that again.
Holding the barrel two inches from the spider, she fires.
Again there is a big hole and no sign of the spider.
MARG (Satisfied.)
Gotcha!
SCUTTLING within the hole, then the spider emerges again.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She starts repeatedly firing, blowing great chunks out of the wall.
Each time the spider emerges from the latest hole, she aims at it and fires again.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She throws down the pump-action shotgun in disgust.
MARG
All right, tarantula, no anal-retentive arachnid is going to get the better of me!
She takes up the machine-gun and fires a ten second burst, cutting a basketball-sized hole into the wall.
MARG (Smug.)
Try crawling out of that, spider!
SCUTTLING from the hole, then the tarantula emerges.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah…!
(Half a beat.)
Try scuttling your way out of this, you overgrown daddy longlegs!
She lets loose with another burst of machine-gun fire, emptying the clip, then reloads and empties a second, then a third clip into the wall, only stopping when the barrel begins to overheat and smoke.
She throws the machine-gun down and smiles in satisfaction at the yard square hole she has blasted out of the wall.
MARG
Nothing could have survived that!
SCUTTLING from the hole, then the tarantula emerges again.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah…!
(Half a beat.)
I don’t believe this, what are you Super-Spider, or what?
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — DON, GLENDA, &
Phil, seated as before.
MACHINE-GUN FIRE O/S.
PHIL
What the hell is that dizzy bitch up to now?
Glenda and Don go over to the door and poke their heads out to investigate.
GLENDA (Looking back toward Phil.)
Oh my God, you won’t believe what she’s doing?
Phil pulls himself out of his armchair, groaning at the exertion and goes over to the doorway. He sticks his head out through the doorway and looks down the corridor.
INT. CORRIDOR, OUTSIDE LIVING ROOM — DAY
Through the back doorway Marg can be seen in camouflage-greens carrying the machine-gun.
Phil, Don, and Glenda are all staring out through the living room doorway.
PHIL
Oh gawd, it’s the Return of the Daughter of Bimbo.
DON
Jesus, Sylvester Stallone in drag.
GLENDA
Very, very bad drag.
INT. EXTENSION BEHIND HOUSE — DAY
MARG (Shouting toward doorway.)
I heard that!
INT. INSIDE HOUSE, CORRIDOR — DAY
PHIL
Jesus, I thought she got over this violent phase after nuking her three ugly stepsisters, Harriet, Yvonne, and Cerille last Christmas?
DON (Between laughter.)
What a panic-merchant!
PHIL
Yeah, all this fuss over a harmless little tarantula.
GLENDA
Like the one climbing up your left leg?
Phil looks down to where a large black spider is climbing up his left trouser leg.
PHIL
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
He starts shaking his left leg, furiously trying to kick it off.
DON
Ha, ha, ha! What a fairy queen, afraid of a harmless little spider.
Phil final manages to shake the spider off. It goes flying and lands on Don’s shirt.
DON
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
He starts hopping round like a kangaroo, trying to dislodge the spider.
Finally he falls backwards into the living room.
PHIL
Ah ha ha, what a baby!
He and Glenda walk through into the living room after Don.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
as Phil and Glenda enter.
Don is still furiously trying to shake the spider off.
Finally it goes flying and lands on the wall by the corridor, at about head height.
Jumping away from it, Don pulls a Mauser from his back trouser pocket and starts firing.
The spider runs down the wall, with bullet-holes appearing just behind it, as Don keeps just missing it.
The spider runs across the floor toward where Phil and Glenda are standing.
PHIL
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
He leaps up into Glenda’s arms.
GLENDA
Oh gawd.
She falls over backwards onto the sofa, with Phil falling on top of her.
Don finally manages to shoot the spider.
SPIDER (In squeaky voice.)
Ah, he got me!
DON
Jesus, that spider was harder to kill than James Cagney!
INT. EXTENSION BEHIND HOUSE — DAY
Marg pulls a grenade from her munitions belt.
MARG
All right you eight-legged faggot, let’s see you scuttle your way out of this?
She pulls the pin with her teeth, spits the pin out, counts to three, and then tosses the grenade at the spider.
The grenade hits the concrete floor, bounces up to hit the wooden wall, and then bounces back to Marg, who catches it.
MARG (Staring at grenade.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She tosses the grenade a second time.
Again it bounces off the floor, onto the wall, and back into her hands.
MARG
Stupid shit!
This time she rolls the grenade on the ground toward the spider and races back inside the house.
INT. KITCHEN, AT BACK OF HOUSE — DAY — MARG
races back inside. She slams the back door, locks and bolts it, then stands with her back to it.
EXPLOSION outside the door.
The door flies inside sending Marg flying across the room.
They fall to the floor together so Marg’s army boots are sticking out from under the door.
MARG MARG
Oh God what happened to my head?
(She groans in pain.)
I never realised it could be this hard to kill a damn spider.
She crawls half out from under the door, holding it up with one hand.
The spider is standing on the door, only a few centimetres away from Marg’s hand.
MARG
But I think I got it this time.
Marg looks round and sees the spider.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She pushes the door away from her, so it goes flying.
It spins over so the spider is now under the door.
MARG (Shouting.)
Gotcha!
She climbs gingerly to her feet then staggers over to the door and climbs on top of the door.
MARG
Scuttle your way out of this you horrible little creepy crawly.
The spider crawls out on top of the door not far behind her.
MARG
I’ll make vegemite out of you.
She leaps up and down on the door for eight or ten seconds, until the handle and lock break away and the door is flat against the floor.
MARG (Satisfied.)
Nothing could still be alive under that!
SCUTTLING from behind Marg.
MARG
What the….?
(She spins round and sees the spider behind her.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She starts jumping up and down again, trying to stomp the spider.
However, it manages to keep avoiding her combat boots.
Finally Marg manages to chase the spider out through the back doorway.
INT./EXT. EXTENSION BEHIND HOUSE/BACK YARD — DAY
Part of the back wall of the extension is now gone, blown away. Broken glass and wood lie upon the concrete floor and across the grass in the back yard.
Marg races out through the back doorway with the spider tearing along ahead of her.
MARG (Shouting.)
I’ll get you, you arachnid shit-stirrer!
She pulls two grenades from her munitions belt, one in each hand, pulls the pins on the grenades with her mouth, and throws the grenades after the spider.
One grenade hits the ground behind the spider, and bounces out through the hole in the wall to explode in the back yard.
The second grenade hits the extension wall, rebounds back past Marg and into the kitchen behind her.
EXPLOSION in the kitchen behind her and Marg is sent flying out into the back yard.
She lands on her back lying in a patch of long grass beneath the hoist washing line.
For a moment Marg is unconscious.
Then she starts to MOAN and sits up slightly.
MARG (Clutching her head.)
Well, at least I must’ve got that damn tarantula.
SCUTTLING from above her.
Marg looks up and sees the spider hanging from a web suspended from the washing line.
The spider starts racing down the web toward her.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She rolls over two or three times quickly out from under the spider.
The spider lands on the grass and races back toward the back extension.
MARG (Shouting.)
Get away from that house, you eight-legged nerd!
Marg climbs to her feet and races after the spider.
The spider races up the extension wall and climbs up to the drainpipe out of sight of Marg.
MARG
Hiding, eh? Well, try hiding from this!
She takes the last grenade from her belt and throws it gently up onto the roof.
The grenade lands on the sloping roof and rolls back down and falls off the roof, back into Marg’s hands.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She throws the grenade a second time.
Again it rolls back off the roof and she catches it.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She throws it a third time.
This time the grenade lands in the drainpipe.
MARG
Get out of that.
The grenade suddenly starts to wobble then flies out of the drainpipe straight into Marg’s hands.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She tosses the grenade high into the air back over her shoulder, then covers her head.
EXPLOSION in the yard behind the Joneses’s.
WOMAN’S SCREAM.
MARG (Angry.)
All right spider, so you’re fighting back now are you? Well, let’s see you fight back against some good old-fashioned TNT.
INT./EXT. EXTENSION/BACK YARD — DAY — LATER
Marg is just attaching a plunger to what seems like a thousand sticks of TNT she has placed around the bottom of the back extension.
MARG
If this doesn’t get the little mother-humpin’ creepy crawly, I don’t know what will!
Trailing the cord behind her she goes into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN — DAY
Marg comes in through the back doorway. She stops behind the back wall and goes to push the plunger.
Then she sees the door still lying on the ground from earlier.
MARG
Ah ah, no way is that eight-legged menace going to catch me like that a second time.
She starts letting out the detonator cable further, as she heads toward the corridor.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — MARG
enters trailing the detonator cable.
Phil, Glenda, and Don come out of the living room and see Marg approaching them.
PHIL
What the hell are you doing now?
EXT. RUINS OF BACK EXTENSION — DAY
shown through back doorway.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
PHIL
And what the hell happened to our add-on?
MARG (Indignant.)
Don’t blame me! You’re the one who wanted me to prove Germaine Greer was right when she said women can do anything men can do!
EXT. RUINS OF BACK EXTENSION — DAY
shown through back doorway.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
PHIL
I see now why she coined the term “female eunuch”.
MARG
What was that?
PHIL
Er, well, um, that is, nothing dear.
(Angry.)
That add-on cost me $10,000 you know?
MARG
Oh money, money, money, is that all you ever think about…?
(Half a beat.)
What about my piece of mind?
GLENDA
I don’t think she’s got many pieces left.
MARG (Angry.)
What was that?
GLENDA
Er, well, um, what I meant to say was….
PHIL
And what the hell happened to our back door?
INT. KITCHEN — DAY
The back door is still lying on the kitchen floor.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
MARG (Indignant.)
Nothing, it’s still there.
PHIL
But it used to be up in the doorway! Why is it lying on the kitchen floor now?
MARG
Don’t carry on so. It’ll only take you twenty minutes to put it back up.
PHIL
Me? Why the hell should I have to put it back up?
MARG (Indignant.)
Because I blew it down, so the least you can do is put it back up…!
(Half a beat.)
Don’t you know that Germaine Greer says that in these liberated times men and women should share the workload around the house evenly?
PHIL
Yeah, well, er, okay, I’ll just leave you to your mayhem then.
Phil, Don, and Glenda all return to the living room.
EXT. RUINS OF BACK EXTENSION — DAY
shown through back doorway.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
MARG
All right you multi-appendaged peanut-brain, let’s see you get out of this one!
Marg pushes down the plunger.
MASSIVE EXPLOSION in the back yard.
Marg ducks down and covers her head at SOUND OF FLYING WOOD and METAL.
EXPLOSION seems to go on forever, but finally stops.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — PHIL, GLENDA, &
DON seated, now watching small b/w TV on top of the large
TV with broken glass.
PHIL (Shouting.)
Holy Jesus Christ! What the hell’s going on out there?
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
MARG
Butt out, I’m taking care of everything!
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL (Under breath.)
Yeah, but what is she taking care of?
GLENDA (Under breath.)
You never can tell with her.
DON
She always goes over the top with everything she does.
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
Mermaid sitting on basalt rocks as before.
MERMAID
She grossly overreacts in a megalomanical, almost pedantically psychotic and extremely idiosyncratic manner. Her behaviour is both boisterously inappropriate to the situation and overtly paranoid in innumerable conceivably….
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL/GLENDA/DON
Ah shut up!
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
MERMAID (Sulky.)
And you!
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — MARG
is reeling in the detonator cable as she slowly walks down the corridor toward the back doorway.
EXT. BACK YARD — DAY — MARG
walks out from the kitchen, winding up the last of the detonator cable.
There is virtually none of the back extension left.
MARG (Satisfied.)
Well, it’s cost us $10,000 for a new extension and another ten grand for dynamite. But it was worth it to show that exoskeletal dweeb that no creepy crawly puts it over on Marg Jones!
SCUTTLING from the rooftop behind her.
Marg looks up as the spider comes into view on the overhanging remains of a sheet of corrugated iron.
Dropping a line, the spider starts to climb down toward her.
MARG
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Ducking, Marg leaps beneath the spider and rolls through the back doorway.
INT. KITCHEN — DAY — MARG
dives through the back doorway and almost goes headfirst into the wall.
METALLIC RATTLE beside Marg.
Looking round, she sees a bazooka lying on the floor beside her.
MARG
Ah ha! Let’s see that web-weaving wanker avoid this!
Grabbing the bazooka, she kneels and raises the bazooka over her right shoulder and sights it, aiming toward the spider.
Which is now hanging down on its web about a foot from the top of the doorway.
EXT. STREET — DAY — TWO POLICE OFFICERS
standing by their parked squad car, one talking into a microphone.
POLICEMAN (Into microphone.)
Car fourteen, to D24. Have received a report of gunfire coming from a house around the Leander Street sector of Footscray…
(Half a beat.)
Please advise?
D24 (Over microphone.)
Stay put until hearing back from us, car fourteen. Are sending a chopper to investigate. Will notify as soon as gunman has been located, and will call for reinforcements…
(Half a beat.)
D24, calling all squad cars in the Footscray, Maidstone, Maribyrnong areas….
INT. INSIDE GLASS-DOMED HELICOPTER — DAY
POLICEMAN BESIDE PILOT (Into microphone.)
D24 this is Chopper One. Am now flying over the Leander Street and Eleanor Street area of Footscray. No sign of any gunman at this time…
(Half a beat.)
No, wait a minute, I can see something ver-ry interesting now.
(Pointing/Shouting at pilot.)
For God’s sake go down lower, lower damn it!
EXT. OUTSIDE HELICOPTER — DAY
In back yard a young blonde is sun baking topless, lying on her back on the grass.
The helicopter zooms down till it is only a few yards above the house.
The woman sun baking is almost being blown away by the down rush from the helicopter rotors.
BLONDE
Hey! What the hell’s going on?
(She sits up and stares up.)
The helicopter is just above her rooftop.
Policeman is now leaning out of the window taking photos.
BLONDE
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
(She hurriedly covers her chest with her hands.)
Jesus, what’s the world coming to when Peeping Toms are using helicopters now?
INT. INSIDE HELICOPTER — DAY
POLICEMAN BESIDE PILOT
Jesus, what a pair of udders. She puts a cow to fuckin’ shame!
D24 OVER MIKE (Puzzled.)
Say again, please Chopper One?
POLICEMAN BESIDE PILOT (Into microphone.)
Er, um, that is, sorry D24, false alarm.
PILOT (Pointing.)
That’s no false alarm though!
EXT. THE JONESES BACK YARD, AERIAL SHOT — DAY
The ruins of the back extension to the house.
Marg is standing in the back doorway, holding the bazooka.
INT. INSIDE HELICOPTER — DAY
POLICEMAN BESIDE PILOT (Into microphone.)
Holy shit, it looks like a mad woman in a Rambo costume.
PILOT (Leaning toward microphone.)
And she’s carrying what looks like some kind of rocket-launcher.
D24 OVER MIKE (Puzzled.)
Say again, Chopper One.
POLICEMAN BESIDE PILOT
It’s a mad woman dressed as Rambo, holding some kind of rocket-launcher…
(Half a beat.)
She’s inside the back doorway in the shade, so we can’t see exactly what she’s got. But she’s blown up the back add-on of the house.
D24 OVER MIKE
Confirm address of house, please?
PILOT (Referring to area map.)
It’s at 152 Eleanor Street, Footscray.
POLICEMAN BESIDE PILOT (Into microphone.)
One five two Eleanor Street.
D24 OVER MIKE
Stay put, Chopper One, will advise upon action to be taken.
INT. KITCHEN, JONESES’ HOUSE — DAY — MARG
is standing in the doorway aiming the bazooka.
MARG
Eat my dust, creepy crawly!
She fires the bazooka, which goes off with a WHOOSH.
The projectile just misses the tarantula, and whizzes out into the backyard.
INT. INSIDE HELICOPTER — DAY
POLICEMAN BESIDE PILOT
Oh my God, she’s fired it straight at us!
EXT. OUTSIDE HELICOPTER — DAY — MARG’S P.O.V.
as the missile hits the helicopter.
The chopper EXPLODES and crashes down into the back yard of the house behind the Joneses.
MARG
Whoops!
The helicopter’s main rotor flies into the air and lands in the back yard of the house where the blonde woman is sun baking.
BLONDE O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
MARG
Double whoops!
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
Phil, Glenda, and Don are sitting round watching TV.
HAMMERING at the front door.
PHIL (Puzzled.)
I wonder who that could be?
EXT. FRONT PATIO, OUTSIDE HOUSE — DAY
Female police INSPECTOR and two male constables with sledge hammers are standing on the patio.
Inspector is hammering on the door with one fist.
INSPECTOR (Standing away from door.)
Just break it down.
The two constables start swinging their sledgehammers.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
GLENDA
Sounds like they’re getting impatient.
DON
Yeah, perhaps you’d better go see who it is?
RENDING WOOD then RUNNING FEET in corridor.
The door bursts open and the three police officers run into the living room, guns drawn.
They all adopt the traditional, squatting gun-aiming stance.
INSPECTOR (Shouting.)
All right, where is she?
PHIL (Puzzled.)
Where is who?
INSPECTOR
That psychopathic rocket-launcher wielding, helicopter shooting down bimbo, dressed as Rambo on a bad day.
PHIL (Considering a moment.)
Oh, that’ll be the wife.
(Pointing to back of house.)
She’s out in the back yard.
INSPECTOR
Oh.
(Standing up again.)
Sorry to disturb you.
(To two constables.)
Come on!
The three cops turn and race out into corridor.
FOOTSTEPS RUNNING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
INT. KITCHEN — DAY — MARG
is standing in the doorway holding the bazooka.
Inspector and two constables race down the corridor toward her.
INSPECTOR (Aiming handgun at her.)
Drop that rock-launcher you psychopathic bimbo!
MARG
It’s a bazooka.
INSPECTOR
Whatever.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE JONESES’ HOUSE — DAY — MARG
in handcuffs, being led away by the two constables.
The female Inspector is trailing behind with Phil.
PHIL
So how often will I be allowed to visit her in prison?
INSPECTOR
Every Saturday.
PHIL
I suppose I’ll be allowed conjugal visits with her?
INSPECTOR (Puzzled.)
What are those?
PHIL
Well, basically I go and visit her, and we get locked into her cell together all day Saturday. And I bonk the wad off her till she’s peeing blood.
INSPECTOR
No, I’m afraid not. That isn’t allowed in this state.
PHIL
So how long is she likely to serve?
INSPECTOR
For blowing up your back extension, letting off a machine-gun in a built up area without a licence, detonating a thousand sticks of gelignite and six hand grenades, repeatedly firing a pump-action shotgun, and killing one topless bimbo…
(Half a beat.)
She’ll probably get sick months community service. For killing two police officers and blowing up a police helicopter, she’ll get about one thousand years hard labour.
PHIL
But no conjugal visiting rights?
INSPECTOR
I’m afraid not.
PHIL
Just as a matter of interest, I notice you’re not wearing a wedding ring…?
INSPECTOR
No, I’m not married.
PHIL
Any regular boyfriends. Just as a matter of interest.
INSPECTOR
No. Most of the men I meet in my line of work are psychos or rapists.
PHIL
Just as a matter of interest, I wondered if you’d like to go out this Friday. I was planning to take Marg to that new Tom Cruise movie, “Mission Impossible 27″…
(Half a beat.)
But since she’ll be indisposed….
He places a hand around Inspector’s back, so it is almost touching her ass.
INSPECTOR (Dreamily.)
Oooh I love Tom Cruise.
Phil takes two tickets from his shirt pocket.
PHIL
Well, since I’ve already got the tickets…?
Marg is being put into the back of the squad car.
MARG (Shouting.)
Stop trying to pull that blue-uniformed bird and get me a lawyer!
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY — MERMAID
sitting as before, whales in sea behind her.
MERMAID
Oh what truly wondrous, fantasmagorical titans of the deeps. These silent sentinels of the aquatic environs….
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — PHIL, GLENDA, & DON
sitting on armchairs watching small b/w TV.
PHIL
Jesus, she’s still going on about the meaning of bloody whales…
GLENDA
Or as Queen Elizabeth would say, “Wh-hales”.
PHIL
So what’re we having for dinner tonight, darls?
He looks round to where Marg is sitting on a fourth armchair, a little apart from the others, dressed in a white prison uniform, with black arrows on it.
MARG
I’m not talking to you. This was all your fault! If you’d been a man and taken care of that belegged bastard when I’d asked you to, none of this would’ve happened.
DON
So how exactly did you escape from prison?
MARG
They were transporting me from court to prison when I flashed a bit of leg at the driver in the hope of bribing him into letting me go.
GLENDA
So what happened?
PHIL
He crashed, of course, and she kicked out the back door of the paddy wagon while he was out cold.
MARG
Exactly.
SCUTTLING from in front of them.
They look round and see the tarantula hanging from a web above the mantelpiece.
MARG
And you can wrack off, you eight-legged troublemaker. If it hadn’t been for you I would never have decapitated that bimbo next door, or shot down those two coppers.
The spider drops a line to the TV and SCUTTLES across to sit on the screen watching the mermaid.
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
MERMAID (Shocked.)
A colossal, Stygian, hirsute arachnid! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
GLENDA/DON/PHIL/MARG
Ah shut up!
EXT. ROCKS BY THE SEA — DAY
MERMAID (Sulky.)
And you!
FADE OUT:
ACT TWO:
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE JONESES’ HOUSE — DAY
Two kids walk toward the house, both wearing school uniforms and carrying satchels.
The girl, SANDY, is about nine; the boy, TOSCA, about thirteen.
Sandy is a bit of a brainiac and not afraid to show it, and is obsessed with collecting (or stealing.) Barbies. Tosca is a younger, lazier version of his parents, obsessed only with getting out of doing homework (or any other kind.).
They walk up to the wrought-iron gates, open the gates, and walk into the yard and up to the front door. Sandy reaches toward the doormat, which says “WRACK OFF!” and lifts the mat slightly to pick up a spare house key from under the mat.
TOSCA (Reading door mat.)
“WRACK OFF!’
SANDY
Looks like mum’s three ugly stepsisters were here today.
TOSCA
Thank God we were at school then.
He flips the mat over, so it says “WELCOME”.
SANDY (Putting key into front door.)
See, and you always say going to school is a waste of time.
TOSCA (Frustrated.)
All right, so I was wrong. Going to school does have one useful purpose.
SANDY (Opening front door.)
Avoiding Aunties HARRIET, CERILLE, and YVONNE.
She swings the door wide, SLAMMING it into the corridor wall with a CRASH.
They both step into the corridor.
INT. INSIDE HOUSE, CORRIDOR — DAY
TOSCA
(Slamming the door shut.)
Ah, home, sweat home.
SANDY
Don’t you mean “home, sweet home”?
TOSCA (Amazed.)
In this dump? Are you kidding.
Tosca puts a hand on the first door LHS and starts to push it open, but stops when Sandy calls out.
SANDY (Shocked.)
Holy shit, what happened here?
TOSCA
What happened where?
SANDY
What happened there?
Sandy points down the corridor toward the back of the house.
Tosca turns to look where she is pointing.
INT. KITCHEN — DAY
The back door is still lying on the kitchen floor.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — SANDY & TOSCA
both staring in amazement.
TOSCA
Hey what happened to our back door? It’s lying on the floor in the kitchen.
SANDY
Forget about the back door.
(Pointing down corridor.)
What happened to our back extension?
TOSCA
Our back extension?
EXT. RUINS OF BACK EXTENSION — DAY
shown through back doorway.
INT. INSIDE HOUSE, CORRIDOR — DAY — SANDY & TOSCA
both staring in amazement, then turn to stare at each other.
TOSCA
Oh my God, that cost dad $10,000! Will he ever be pissed!
SANDY
Yeah, he carried on enough when I asked him to raise my allowance to fifty cents a week. Without paying ten grand for a new back add-on.
TOSCA (Puzzled.)
But what could have….?
They both look suddenly inspiration-struck.
TOSCA
Oh no, it’s….
SANDY/TOSCA
The return of Psycho-Mum!
SANDY
Oh God, I thought she got over this violent phase last Christmas.
TOSCA
Yeah, after she nuked her three ugly stepsisters.
SANDY
At least that was worthwhile.
TOSCA
Yeah it means we haven’t had a visit from Aunties Harriet, Cerille, and Yvonne in five months.
SANDY
And it stopped them from moving into the empty house next door.
TOSCA
Yeah, thank God. Imagine having them coming to visit us every even….
(Puzzled.)
What empty house next door?
SANDY
The one where the Smythes used to live.
TOSCA (Puzzled.)
I didn’t know they’d moved out?
SANDY
Yeah, two days ago.
TOSCA (Astonished.)
It’s amazing the way someone is always moving away from here. None of our neighbours seem to last more than a few months.
Sandy and Tosca both look down the corridor.
INT. KITCHEN — DAY
The back door is still lying on the kitchen floor.
EXT. RUINS OF BACK EXTENSION — DAY
shown through back doorway.
INT. INSIDE HOUSE, CORRIDOR — DAY
Sandy and Tosca looking at each other.
TOSCA
On second thoughts it’s not so amazing after all. With Psycho-Mum forever blowing up things…
(Half a beat.)
And people.
SANDY (Putting a finger to her mouth/Whispering.)
Anyway let’s get out of here before she hears us and realise we’re home.
They start tiptoeing down the corridor.
TOSCA
We can’t risk watching TV with Psycho-Mum prowling about blowing people up. Guess we’ll have to do our homework.
He opens the first door on the RHS of the corridor and starts into the room.
SANDY
I’ve already done mine at school. I’m planning to play with my Barbies…
(Half a beat.)
Do you want to play with my Barbies too?
TOSCA
Only if you’ve got my favourite one.
SANDY
What’s that one?
TOSCA
Call-Girl Barbie. She comes complete with three working holes…
(Half a beat.)
Customer-Ken dolls sold separately. And they even have enclosed play money.
Sandy sticks her tongue out at him as he enters his bedroom.
Sandy continues down to the next room on the RHS, opens the door and enters.
INT. SANDY’S BEDROOM — DAY — TWO HOURS LATER
Sandy and Tosca are sitting on the floor surrounded by dozens of Barbie and Ken dolls. Sandy is making Barbie dolls ride horses, drive ambulances, etc.
TOSCA (Humming “the stripper”.)
Duh duh duh duh.
He picks up a Barbie and makes it do a strip tease.
Then he lies it on the ground on its back, legs spread obscenely.
He picks up a Ken doll, strips it also, lies it on top of the Barbie and makes it move up and down, simulating coitus.
TOSCA
Barbie’s first customer of the day.
SANDY (Angry.)
Stop that! I said you could only play if you don’t turn her into Call-Girl Barbie!
TOSCA
Too late, she’s already converted.
(Shouting/Simulating an orgasm.)
Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
SANDY (Angry.)
What the hell are you doing?
TOSCA
She’s simulating an orgasm for the benefit of Customer-Ken.
Sandy sticks her tongue out at him.
SANDY (Unamused.)
Ha! Ha! Very funny!
TOSCA
Well, that’s how mum sounds when she’s faking it for dad.
Sandy considers this for a moment.
SANDY
Yeah, I guess that’s true.
TOSCA
There’s no mistaking it, you can hear her from four blocks away.
SANDY (Puzzled.)
Yeah, but she seems to make love to a Mr Hand and a Mr Cucumber much more often than she does to daddy!
TOSCA
I think they must be her two lovers.
SANDY
You mean she’s having it off behind daddy’s back?
TOSCA
Yeah.
SANDY (Casual.)
Oh, well fair enough. I guess being married to a eunuch like daddy you can hardly blame her.
TOSCA
Yeah, from what mum tells me, they don’t call dad the Minuteman for nothing.
Sandy looks puzzled by this comment.
FOOTSTEPS in the corridor outside.
SANDY (Putting finger to her mouth/Whispering.)
Shush, they might hear you, and realise we’re home.
The bedroom door suddenly opens and Marg looks in and sees them.
MARG
So there you two are. We were beginning to think they were keeping you in for all night detention…
(Half a beat.)
Again.
(Seeing Barbies everywhere.)
Oh my God, Tosca, don’t tell me you’re playing with Sandy’s Barbies? Is there something we don’t know about you?
TOSCA (Indignant.)
No, I am not playing with them.
SANDY (Angry.)
No, he’s turned one into Call-Girl Barbie and he’s making her put out for Customer Ken.
MARG (Running a hand across her brow in relief.)
Phew, thank God! Well, that’s all right then.
(Sandy looks annoyed by this.)
So why don’t you come and watch TV with us?
PHIL O/S (Shouting.)
No, leave the little bastards where they are!
Sandy and Tosca both look angry at this comment.
MARG
Oh ignore Mr Grumpy. He’s just uptight because I did a little damage to the back extension while you were at school today.
SANDY
About $10,000 worth by the looks of it.
MARG
Ah, you noticed then?
TOSCA
Actually it’s a bit hard to notice it anymore.
SANDY
Yeah, there’s not much left to notice.
MARG
Er, um, that is, why don’t you come and watch TV with us?
TOSCA
We thought you and dad might like to be left alone together.
MARG (Puzzled.)
Whatever for?
Tosca and Sandy exchange a puzzled look.
SANDY
For a bit of.
She forms her left thumb and forefinger into a circle, then stabs her right index finger through a few times, simulating sex.
Marg stares at her, looking puzzled for a moment, then suddenly looks inspiration-struck.
MARG
Oh, you mean screwing.
SANDY/TOSCA
Yes.
MARG
Oh no, your dad and I don’t do that any more. Not for ages…
(Half a beat.)
The old eunuch hasn’t been able to get it up for years.
Tosca and Sandy exchange a puzzled look.
TOSCA
Something new to tell the kids at school.
Sandy nods her head.
MARG (Embarrassed.)
Anyway come and watch TV with us, kids.
Marg pulls her head back into the corridor and closes the door.
SANDY
What’re you think?
TOSCA
We’d better do as she says. She might have a gun.
Sandy and Tosca get up and walk across to the bedroom door.
SANDY (Worried.)
Yeah that’s right, look what she did to our back extension. Just think what the psycho bitch could do to us.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
The bedroom door opens and Tosca and Sandy walk out into the corridor.
Marg is just walking into the living room ahead of them. She is still wearing prison clothing.
SANDY (Amazed.)
Oh my God, just look at that striped suit she’s wearing. She has absolutely no dress sense at all!
TOSCA
No, no, dingleberry-head, that’s a prison uniform.
SANDY (Puzzled.)
A prison uniform?
TOSCA
Yeah, they must’ve come to get her while we were at school today.
SANDY (Astonished.)
I always knew they’d come to cart her away someday. But I always figured it would be the guys with the white coats and giant butterfly nets. Not the coppers.
TOSCA
Same here.
Marg looks back toward them.
MARG
Come on kids, don’t dawdle…
(Half a beat.)
What are you two talking about?
Tosca and Sandy both look very guilty.
TOSCA (Shouting.)
Racing cars.
SANDY (Shouting.)
Barbie.
Marg looks puzzled.
Tosca and Sandy exchange a worried look.
TOSCA/SANDY(Shouting.)
Racing-Car Barbie.
SANDY
It’s just been released.
MARG
Oh God, well don’t expect us to buy it for you. You’ll have to save up your pocket money for it, or get it the same way you got all the others.
SANDY (Puzzled.)
You mean steal it from one of the girls at school?
MARG
Exactly. Now hurry along kids. This is our family hour and you’re going to have family hour and like it…
(Half a beat.)
Whether you like it or not.
INT. LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Phil is sitting on the sofa watching a large-screen TV.
Marg, Sandy and Tosca enter from the corridor.
TOSCA/SANDY
Hi dad.
PHIL (Without looking up.)
Yeah, yeah, just sit down and shut up.
MARG (Apologetic.)
Your father means, “Hello kids, how was school today?”…
(Half a beat.)
But he’s too much of a prick to stop watching TV long enough to actually say it.
TOSCA
Oh, fair enough.
SANDY
So what’s on TV.
Marg walks across to sit on the sofa.
MARG
That new true-life wedding show, “Love and Marriage”.
SANDY (Enthusiastic.)
Oh great!
She races across to sit on the sofa next to Marg.
TOSCA
Oh great! I think I’d rather go do my homework!
MARG
How dare you?
PHIL
Yeah, no member of this family has ever done his homework!
MARG
Exactly.
(Turning to glare at Phil.)
Shut up!
(To Tosca.)
Now come and sit next to me and watch TV with the rest of us.
(She pats the sofa beside her.)
PHIL
Yeah, if I have to suffer through this crap to keep your mum happy, then so do you.
MARG
Exactly.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — AN HOUR LATER
On TV closing credits are playing.
PHIL
Thank God that crap’s over. Perhaps now we can watch that first release movie, “Mud-Wrestling Babes In Vegas!”
MARG
Just ignore him, kids. I find that’s usually best.
SANDY
So, Mum, how did you and dad meet and get married?
MARG
Just bad luck I guess.
PHIL (Angry.)
Huh?
MARG
Er, well, um, you see, that is, what I meant to say was….
TOSCA
Dad, how long ago were you and mum married?
PHIL (Thinking a moment.)
Oh aeons ago. Before your mother was old and wrinkled.
MARG (Holding a fist up to his face.)
Watch it, Clyde, or you face won’t survive long enough to get old and wrinkled!
TOSCA
But how long ago were you married?
Marg and Phil both consider for a moment.
PHIL
Oh nine or ten years now. You were only about this high at the time.
He holds his right hand eighteen inches off the floor.
PHIL (To Sandy.)
And you weren’t even born yet.
SANDY
Wow, that was a long time ago. How did you first meet?
Marg and Phil have to think deeply again for a moment.
MARG
It was at the disco, remember?
PHIL
Oh yeah, that’s right.
SANDY
You mean Michael Jackson was around in your day?
PHIL (Contemptuous.)
Michael Jackson, indeed! No, no, this was the days of real discos and real music. Quality music…
(Half a beat.)
Glam-Rock it was called.
INT. DISCO, DANCE FLOOR — NIGHT — TWENTY YEARS AGO
Half a dozen couples dressed in gaudy flared clothing and Afro hairstyles are dancing to a record of Gary Glitter singing “I LOVE YOU, LOVE”.
In walks a young looking Phil, dressed in a yellow Glam-suit with a white shirt and pink tie. He stops at the top of the steps for a moment to let his eyes adjust to the darkness, then takes a step forward, and falls down the steps.
PHIL
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
INT. JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
Sandy and Tosca stare at Phil in amazement.
TOSCA (In disbelief.)
You did a prat-fall into the disco?
MARG
Natch. They named prat-falls after him. Because in those days he was the biggest prat anyone had ever met.
SANDY
I guess some things never change!
TOSCA
Too true.
PHIL (Glaring at her.)
Look, who’s telling this story, you or me?
MARG (Innocently.)
Okay, I’ll take over, if you’ve forgotten it. So anyway, your dad….
PHIL
I was being sarky, all right…
(Half a beat.)
So anyway, kids. The DJ, your Uncle Don, raced across to help me up again, and see that I was all right….
INT. DISCO, DANCE FLOOR — NIGHT — AS BEFORE
Phil in yellow Glam-suit lying on the floor.
Don, races over, grabs Phil by one arm and pulls him roughly to his feet.
DON
Look out you idiot, these teak floorboards cost a bloody fortune.
INT. JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
He was very concerned about my well being.
MARG
Don always was a caring person. That’s why we’re still so close to him and Aunty Glenda to this day.
INT. DISCO, DANCE FLOOR — AS BEFORE
DON
If you’ve damaged them I’ll sue the hell outta you!
PHIL
Be cool, dude, try to hang loose.
He takes a step forward, trips again and crashes against Don, who goes reeling, knocking into a couple dancing, who crash into the next couple, and so on, creating a domino effect, until everyone on the dance floor ends up falling heavily to the floor.
PHIL (Shaking head.)
People who can’t hold their liquor.
INT. JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY — PHIL AND MARG
seated together at the sofa.
PHIL
So anyway….
He looks about and realises Sandy and Tosca have gone.
PHIL
Where the hell are the kids?
MARG
They went out into the corridor to play.
Phil leans over and pulls open the living room door.
PHIL
Hey you two, why did you go away while I was still telling my story?
SANDY/TOSCA O/S (Shouting.)
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!
PHIL (Angry.)
I’ll give you boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing! Across your bums with my belt if you two little bastards don’t get back in here and listen to the rest of my story.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — TOSCA & SANDY
sitting together on the floor, surrounded by toys.
SANDY
Well? What’re you think?
TOSCA (Considering a moment.)
Hmmm? It could be worth a belt across the bum to get out of having to listen to one of his boring, never-ending stories.
PHIL O/S (Shouting.)
Get in here you two little bastards!
SANDY/TOSCA (Bored.)
Oh, all right.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — TOSCA AND SANDY
wander in from the corridor and sit on the sofa again.
PHIL
So anyway, seeing only real dogs on the dance floor, I decided to ease on over to the bar to chat up the local talent.
SANDY
What the hell does that mean?
TOSCA
In English?
MARG
There were only ugly women dancing, so he went over to see what the women at the bar looked like.
SANDY/TOSCA
Oh!
MARG (To Phil.)
If you didn’t talk in Esperanto, I wouldn’t have to translate it back into English all the time.
PHIL
Shut up…!
(Half a beat.)
So I walked over to the bar and saw your mum. It was like one of those romantic movies where the handsome man and beautiful woman’s eyes meet across the room…
(Half a beat.)
You know, love at first sight.
INT. DISCO, DANCE FLOOR — NIGHT — AS BEFORE
Phil wanders across to the bar LHS of SHOT.
360 PAN ROUND THE WOMEN, most of whom are ugly.
Marg is the only looker.
PHIL (Swaggering over to Marg.)
Hey, babe, how about a quickie right here at the bar, in front of everyone?
She stands up and knees him.
PHIL
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
He staggers back against the bar, clutching his groin.
MARG
How about a knee in the nuts instead?
PHIL (In high, squeaky voice.)
I’ll take that to mean “no”, shall I?
Marg sits down at the bar and goes on with her drink.
The barmaid, Glenda, walks over to Phil, who is clutching himself between the legs.
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
Your Aunty Glenda was very sympathetic when she realised I’d been hurt.
He looks round and sees the kids on the floor colouring in colouring books.
PHIL
Get back on the bloody sofa and pay attention!
SANDY/TOSCA (Bored.)
Oh, all right.
They climb up onto the sofa.
PHIL
As I was saying, your Aunty Glenda was very sympathetic when she realised I’d been hurt.
INT. DISCO, BAR — AS BEFORE — PHIL
is still clutching the bar to stay on his feet.
GLENDA
Are you planning to order anything, sport? Or are you just gonna stand there playing with yourself all night?
PHIL (In shaky voice.)
A glass of ice water, please.
(Pointing at Marg.)
And what’s the babe at the end of the bar drinking?
Glenda peers across the bar for a moment, and sees Marg.
GLENDA
A Purple Vampire.
PHIL (Straight at camera.)
It figures, doesn’t it?
INT. JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
SANDY/TOSCA (Puzzled.)
A Purple vampire?
MARG
It was the name of one of the fancy cocktails women drank in those days.
PHIL
They all had colour-coded names like a “Green Frog”, a “Pink Pelican”, a “Yellow Fluffy Duck”, a “Turquoise Leer jet”….
SANDY/TOSCA (Amazed.)
A Turquoise Leer jet?
MARG
Yeah, you had to watch that one. It could really make you fly.
PHIL
So anyway, I knew if I bought your mum a drink, she’d be so grateful, she’d just melt in my arms.
SANDY
Yuk, how messy!
MARG
“Melt in my arms” is a figure of speech.
SANDY
Oh.
INT. DISCO, BAR — AS BEFORE
PHIL (To Glenda.)
Okay, I’ll have a Purple Vampire too, and can you tell her it’s from the handsome gent down this end of the bar?
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
Natch your Aunty Glenda was only too willing to give young love a little helping hand.
INT. DISCO, BAR — AS BEFORE
GLENDA (Frustrated.)
Oh Jesus, if I have to.
She takes the purple drink down to Marg and hands it to her.
GLENDA (Pointing at Phil.)
The creep down the end bought this for you.
MARG
Oh he did, did he?
She gets up and carries the drink across to Phil.
PHIL
Hey, babe, how about…?
Marg pours the drink over Phil’s head.
MARG
I can buy my own drinks, creep!
She turns and walks back to the other end of the bar and sits down.
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
TOSCA
Gee, you must’ve been discouraged after that?
PHIL
No way, I knew she was only playing hard to get.
MARG
Better men than him would have given up. But not your father.
PHIL (Angry.)
I assume you meant lesser men?
Marg stares at him in amazement for a moment.
MARG (Unconvincing.)
Oh yes, yes of course.
Phil glares at her for a moment.
SANDY (Under breath.)
Who’s he tryin’ to kid? There are no lesser men than him.
TOSCA
Yeah, I’ve seen better men than him guarding women in a harem.
Phil finally looks back toward the two kids, who are now smiling innocently at him.
PHIL
Aunty Glenda was quick to help me clean up.
INT. DISCO, BAR — AS BEFORE — GLENDA
is watching as Phil tries to clean the purple mess out of his hair with a white towel.
GLENDA
It’ll cost ya ten bucks for that towel, sport, you’ve completely ruined it.
Phil takes $10 from his shirt pocket and gives the note to her.
INT. JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
I decided it was time to muster all of the devil-may-care coolness, sophistication, and slick subtlety at my command.
INT. DISCO, BAR — NIGHT — AS BEFORE
PHIL
Gimme the loudhailer, Glenda.
Glenda reaches under the counter and brings up an electric loudhailer, attached to a long extension cord.
She hands the loud-hailer to Phil who taps the mouthpiece with a finger, to test it, then walks down toward Marg.
He places the loud-hailer an inch or so from Marg’s left ear, then shouts into it.
PHIL (Booming through loud-hailer.)
I’d…
(Half a beat.)
Like…
(Half a beat.)
To…
(Half a beat.)
Fuck…
(Half a beat.)
You!
STATIC HISS BLARES INTO Marg’s ear for six or eight seconds after Phil stops shouting.
The music stops and everyone on the dance floor turns to stare toward them.
DON (Puzzled.)
What did he say?
FEMALE DANCER
I think he said he’d like to fuck her.
DON
Oh.
He puts on a record, which starts BLARING, and the dancers start up again.
INT. JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
I was certain I had your mother’s attention at last.
INT. DISCO, BAR — NIGHT — AS BEFORE — MARG
is clutching her ears with her hands and shaking her head to clear her hearing.
MARG (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Ears hurting! Hurting ears! Hurting! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Marg falls off her barstool.
Phil hands the loudhailer back to Glenda, and stares at Marg in amazement.
PHIL
You don’t think I was too subtle, do you?
GLENDA
No, I think that was just right. How could any girl resist such a romantic entreaty?
PHIL
That’s what I thought.
Glenda puts away the loudhailer as Phil saunters over to help Marg back to her feet.
MARG (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Ears hurting! Hurting ears! Hurting! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
INT. JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
After I’d subtly broken the ice, your mum agreed to go back to my flat with me.
INT. DISCO, BAR — NIGHT — AS BEFORE
PHIL
How about going back to my place now, babe?
MARG (Staring at Phil.)
What? I can’t hear a thing!
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
After that she agreed to go out on a date with me. So I decided to impress her with my sophistication, by taking her to a fancy French restaurant.
INT. INSIDE RESTAURANT — EVENING — TWENTY YEARS AGO
Phil And Marg are being shown to their seats by an
immaculately dressed WAITER.
The waiter pulls out a chair for Marg, and Phil promptly sits in it.
Looking annoyed, Marg goes over to pull out another chair and sit opposite Phil.
PHIL (Snapping his fingers at Waiter.)
Garson!
WAITER (Frustrated.)
The name is Fred. The restaurant is French, I’m not.
PHIL
Whatever. Just give us a damn menu.
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
Knowing I’d already made a good start I decided to impress her even further, by ordering my meal from the French language menu.
INT. INSIDE RESTAURANT — EVENING — AS BEFORE
Phil hands back the menu to the waiter, who looks horrified.
WAITER
Very well, sir, if that’s what you want.
PHIL (Snapping his fingers at Waiter.)
And make it snappy, all right.
WAITER (To Marg.)
And for the lady?
MARG
Just gimme a T-bone with chips and mushroom sauce.
WAITER
A very wise choice.
He stares at Phil in horror again, then turns and walks toward the kitchen.
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
I could tell your mum was impressed by my wide knowledge of hoot coo-zene.
INT. INSIDE RESTAURANT — AS BEFORE
WAITER returns with a tray holding a small covered plate, and an enormous covered platter.
He places the plate in front of Marg and removes the metal cover.
WAITER
For madam, a rare T-bone stake, with chips and mushroom sauce.
He lifts the platter, with difficulty, and places it before Phil.
WAITER
I’m afraid the bandleader’s wife was unavailable. She’s out walking the streets for her husband. But I’ve brought you all the other things you ordered.
He removes the lid from the platter to show a slimy, crawling mess.
WAITER (Pointing at them in turn.)
Live snails, frog’s legs, garden slugs, cockroaches, two squids, and assorted beetles of all kinds.
Marg and Phil both stare down at the slimy, crawling mess in shock.
INT. INSIDE RESTAURANT — EVENING — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
The platter is now empty, and Phil is just wiping his mouth on his napkin.
PHIL (To Marg.)
Actually you know, that wasn’t half bad…
(Half a beat.)
Nowhere near as awful as it looked.
Marg clutches a hand to her mouth, leaps up and races O/S.
VOMITING O/S.
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
All seated together at the sofa.
SANDY (Sarcastic.)
How could she resist you after that?
PHIL
Too true…
(Half a beat.)
After that it was plain sailing. We shacked up together for a few years, during which time Tosca was born. Then when your mum was knocked up again with Sandy, she finally consented to marry me.
MARG
By that time what choice did I have?
(Phil smiles broadly at this.)
I mean by then, who else would’ve married me, after I’d been living with that dweeb for eight years?
Phil stops smiling and glares at her.
FADE OUT:
ACT THREE:
FADE IN:
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY — AS BEFORE
PHIL
But first, of course, came my bachelor party. Needless to say your Uncle Don spared no expense.
INT. JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY — TWELVE YEARS AGO
Phil, Don, and two other men looking bored, standing near a snack table on which is a plate of stale looking sandwiches and a couple of large bottles of Coke.
PHIL
Let’s see what videos you got at least.
He walks across to the TV table and picks up four VCR tapes.
PHIL (Reading titles.)
Mary Poppins, Star Trek the Motion Picture, and Munster Go Home.
DON (Defensive.)
Hey, they’re all classics.
THIRD MAN AT PARTY
What’s the fourth tape.
Phil looks at the fourth video.
PHIL
Pussy Magic.
FOURTH MAN AT PARTY
That sounds more like it.
THIRD MAN AT PARTY
You said it.
The four men walk over to pull four armchairs around in front of the TV as Phil puts the tape into the VCR and turns on the TV.
After a moment the FELIX THE CAT THEME starts on the TV.
PHIL (Puzzled.)
What the hell is this supposed to be?
DON
It’s Felix the Cat.
FOURTH MAN AT PARTY
But the tape says, “Pussy Magic”?
DON
Yes, well Felix is a pussycat, right?
THIRD MAN AT PARTY
Right.
DON
And he does magic.
PHIL
Ergo, pussy magic?
DON
Exactly.
THIRD MAN AT PARTY
Will you hold him while I pummel him? Or should I hold him?
PHIL (Considering a moment.)
You two hold him, while I pummel him.
FOURTH MAN AT PARTY
What if we all take turns pummelling him?
PHIL
Better yet.
Don stands and backs away toward the door to the corridor.
DON
Oh come on guys, where’s your sense of humour?
PHIL (Shouting.)
Get him.
They all get up and chase after Don, who runs out into the corridor.
DON O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
MARG
Er, I think they’re both too young still to know about bachelor parties.
SANDY
Why? All they were doing was pummelling Uncle Don.
TOSCA
And we already know all about pummelling.
MARG (Putting up right hand to stop them.)
Nonetheless, I think we should tell you about the wedding instead.
EXT. OUTSIDE A CHURCH — DAY — TWELVE YEARS AGO
Phil and Marg come out dressed as bride and groom.
Despite her white gown, Marg is obviously very pregnant.
Don and Glenda are standing together by the door of the church.
As Marg and Phil step out Don throws a bag of rice, which hits Phil in the back, making him stagger.
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
Of course by that time your Aunty Glenda and Uncle Don were already married.
EXT. OUTSIDE A CHURCH — DAY — AS BEFORE
Don looks down at the golden band on his left ring finger.
DON (Shouting.)
Oh God, no!
GLENDA (Glaring at him.)
What was that, you creep?
DON
Er, well, um, that is, nothing my sweet.
Glenda glares at Don again.
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — DAY
PHIL
And that’s the story of how….
Looking about he sees that Sandy, Tosca, and Marg have all vanished.
PHIL (Straight at camera/Angry.)
Rude bastards! They all buggered off before I finished my story!
(Standing up/Shouting.)
Hey, where the hell is everybody?
MARG O/S (Shouting.)
Be with you in a minute.
Phil sits down again on the sofa and goes on watching TV.
INT. THE JONESES’ LIVING ROOM — EVENING — THREE
HOURS LATER
FOOTSTEPS in the corridor.
The living room door opens and Marg, Sandy and Tosca enter, all dressed up in their best clothes.
PHIL
Jesus, what are you lot done up to the nines for?
MARG
You’re taking us all out for a late supper.
PHIL (Shocked.)
Since when?
TOSCA
Since we told her about Booby Babs and Titty Tanya down at the Red-Light Club.
PHIL (Standing.)
Okay let’s go. Just let me go get my coat.
EXT. DRIVEWAY BESIDE JONESES’ HOUSE — NIGHT
Marg, Phil, Tosca, and Sandy appear around the front of the house from LHS.
MARG (Holding up car keys.)
I’m driving, so just stick the woman-driver jokes!
PHIL/SANDY/TOSCA
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
MARG (Glaring at them.)
I hope that wasn’t meant to be some kind of a woman-driver joke!
TOSCA/SANDY/PHIL (Innocently.)
No.
PHIL
We were just all having a panic attack.
MARG
Okay, fair enough.
They open the car doors and get inside; Phil and Marg in the front, the two kids in the back seats.
INT./EXT. CAR/DRIVEWAY — NIGHT — MARG
puts the car into gear and turns the key.
SANDY/TOSCA
Hold on mum!
TOSCA
Let us get our seat belts on first.
MARG (Puzzled.)
But you two kids normally hate wearing seat belts!
SANDY
Not when you’re driving.
MARG (Glaring at her.)
How dare you! I’ll have you know I’m a very good driver…!
(Half a beat.)
Aren’t I, Phil?
PHIL (Astonished.)
You are?
Marg turns to glare at him.
PHIL (Hurriedly.)
I mean you are! You are!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE JONESES’ HOUSE — NIGHT
The car starts up and races backwards down the driveway.
It crashes through the wrought-iron gates, then continues across the road to crash into the side of a parked car.
INT./EXT. CAR/STREET OUTSIDE HOUSE — NIGHT
MARG
Don’t…
(Half a beat.)
Say…
(Half a beat.)
Anything!
PHIL
I wasn’t going to.
SANDY
He wouldn’t dare!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE — NIGHT
As the Joneses’s car starts up again, the front door of the house opens and a mother and two children race outside.
MOTHER
What was that crash?
Her son and daughter stare at each other.
SON
Don’t ask us, Mum.
The three of them wander out into the street to have a look round.
DAUGHTER
Probably a crash down on the street corner.
(Pointing toward intersection.)
SON
Yeah, cars are forever crashing at that intersection.
They start out into the road to have a look down at intersection.
MOTHER
There doesn’t seem to be anything!
SON (Staring at intersection.)
Anyway there’d be cop cars and ambulances everywhere.
DAUGHTER
Don’t be a dingleberry-head! They haven’t had time to get here yet.
SON
Oh yeah.
MOTHER
Then what could it…?
As she is speaking they all turn round and finally see the RHS of their car caved in.
MOTHER
Oh my God, what happened?
DAUGHTER
It must’ve been that mad Jones woman again?
Mother stands in the middle of the road shaking her fist at the Joneses’s rapidly retreating car.
MOTHER (Shouting.)
Woman driver!
Son and Daughter stare at her in amazement.
MOTHER (Realising what she said.)
Hey wait a minute. What the hell am I saying!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE A FANCY RESTAURANT — NIGHT
The Joneses’s car rattles up and parks outside the restaurant.
The car doors open and Marg, Phil, Tosca, and Sandy climb out.
TOSCA
Safe at last!
Sandy kneels down and kisses the sidewalk.
PHIL (Watching Sandy.)
Now I understand why the Pope always kisses the ground after surviving another plane flight.
MARG (Angry.)
Shut up and follow me.
She starts across toward the glass doors of the restaurant.
INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT
There are half a dozen people seated at round tables, eating salads and other vegetarian meals.
Marg, Phil, Sandy, and Tosca walk across toward a round table. They take off their coats and drape them over the backs of their chairs.
The WAITER pulls out a chair for Marg, who sits, then Waiter walks over to pull out a chair for Phil, who sits.
Finally Waiter turns and glares at the two kids, who pull out their own chairs and sit, glaring back at Waiter.
After a second the Waiter blinks and hurriedly looks away.
Sandy and Tosca do a high-five.
SANDY/TOSCA
We win, he broke eye contact first!
Waiter glares at them for a second, then turns toward Marg and Phil.
WAITER (Holding a notepad and pen.)
What would sir and madam like?
Phil picks up the menu and Marg, Tosca and Sandy all peer round his body at it.
The MENU is obviously a vegetarian menu, listing vegetarian soups, vegetarian salads, vegetarian burgers, etc.
The Joneses all look puzzled.
WAITER
Well, what will it be?
MARG/TOSCA/SANDY/PHIL
Two all-beef patty, special sauce thingamajigs.
Marg, Sandy, and Tosca all stop, and look puzzled.
PHIL
Pickled onion, lettuce, cheese…
(Half a beat.)
In a bread roll.
WAITER
I’m sorry sir, madam….
(He glares at the kids.)
But this is a vegetarian restaurant.
MARG/SANDY/TOSCA/PHIL
Oh, a vegetarian restaurant!
Marg, Sandy, and Tosca all stand up, push in their chairs, take their coats off their chairs, put on their coats and get ready to leave.
PHIL
Well, in that case just give me a gigantic T-bone steak, smothered in mushroom sauce, with about a thousand French fries as a side order.
WAITER (Raising voice a little.)
This is a vegetarian restaurant, sir.
PHIL (Puzzled.)
Oh, a vegetarian restaurant?
WAITER
Yes, sir.
PHIL
Well, in that case, gimme an inch-thick vegetarian T-bone steak, smothered in vegetarian mushrooms, with a side order of vegetarian French fries.
Waiter starts to write on notepad, then stops and looks up at Phil.
WAITER (Raising voice a little more.)
This is a vegetarian restaurant, sir!
PHIL
Oh, a vegetarian restaurant?
WAITER
Yes, sir.
PHIL
Well, in that case, gimme a vegetarian hamburger, with a side order of vegetarian French fries.
WAITER (Raising voice.)
No, no, sir. Vegetarian means we don’t serve meat dishes.
PHIL
You don’t serve meat dishes?
WAITER
No, sir.
PHIL
Not even hamburgers.
WAITER
No sir.
PHIL
Not even T-bone steaks?
WAITER
I’m afraid not, sir.
PHIL
Well, in that case, you can make it rump steak with just a dash of mushroom-sauce.
WAITER (Glaring at him.)
We don’t serve meat dishes!
PHIL
I don’t care what kind of dishes you serve it on. Just so long as I get a thick, juicy slab of meat.
The Waiter stares at him in horror, looking as though about to throw up.
WAITER (Shouting.)
We don’t serve any kind of meat in here!
PHIL (Puzzled.)
You don’t serve any kind of meat here?
WAITER
No, sir.
PHIL
Not even T-bones?
WAITER (Almost crying.)
No. Or rump steak, before you even ask. And we definitely don’t serve hamburgers.
PHIL (Considering a moment.)
Well, in that case, just bring me a thick roast beef sandwich.
WAITER (Shouting.)
We don’t sell roast beef sandwiches.
PHIL
All right, make it a corned-beef sandwich.
Waiter glares at him, white-faced with rage.
PHIL
Well, how about a ham and cheese sandwich?
WAITER (Shouting.)
We don’t sell any kind of meat here!
PHIL
All right, well just bring me a small milk-fed chicken.
WAITER (Shouting.)
We don’t serve any kind of meat here!
PHIL
All right, I’ll settle for roast turkey. But I really prefer chicken.
Waiter looks like he is about to start crying.
WAITER (Almost pleading.)
We don’t serve meat. This is a vegetarian restaurant.
PHIL
Well, in that case, gimme a serving of fish and chips.
WAITER (Through gritted teeth.)
We don’t serve fish either.
PHIL (Puzzled.)
You don’t serve fish?
WAITER
This is a vegetarian restaurant, sir.
PHIL
I thought that meant you didn’t serve meat?
WAITER
We don’t serve meat, or fish either.
PHIL
Well, in that case, just bring me a plate of chips and potato cakes.
Waiter stares at Phil for a moment, then finally starts writing on his notepad.
WAITER
A plate of chips and potato cakes?
PHIL
And one large fish cake.
WAITER (Throwing notepad into air/Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah! We don’t serve fish of any kind here!
PHIL
All right, just gimme two boiled lobsters.
WAITER (Between tears.)
This is a vegetarian restaurant, sir. We don’t serve meat, we don’t serve chicken, we don’t serve turkey, we don’t serve roast beef or corned beef, we don’t serve ham or pork, we don’t serve fish and chips. Or fish cakes…
(Half a beat.)
And we definitely don’t serve lobster.
PHIL
All right, just gimme a large plate of prawns and we’ll call it quits.
Waiter starts sobbing uncontrollably.
INT. THE JONESES LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
KEY IN A LOCK, THEN PEOPLE ENTERING FRONT DOOR.
Marg, Sandy, Phil, and then Tosca enter the living room.
Sandy, Marg, and Tosca all look angry.
MARG (Angry.)
What a bloody fiasco!
PHIL
Why? I got him to serve me a T-bone steak didn’t I?
TOSCA (Angry.)
Not until you’d reduced the poor bastard to tears.
MARG
And only after the poor bugger went out and bought a T-bone from the supermarket with his own money.
SANDY
Then cooked it himself in the kitchen.
PHIL
You shut up, Sandy.
SANDY (Angry.)
Don’t tell me to shut up, you great dingleberry!
She races forward and punches Phil in the stomach.
Phil falls backwards, over an armchair and crashes to the floor, under the TV table.
Phil struggles to his feet and starts round the chair toward Sandy, who squeals and races out into the corridor.
PHIL
Come back here, you little bitch. I’m gonna whip your bum till it’s black and blue.
MARG (Shouting.)
No, you’re not!
PHIL (Puzzled.)
Why the hell not?
MARG
Because the child psychologists now say you should never physically punish a child.
PHIL (In disbelief.)
What?
TOSCA
That’s right, you should reason with us and use a series of rewards and penalties to encourage us to be good.
PHIL (In disbelief.)
Such as what?
MARG (Considering a moment.)
Well, like cutting off Sandy’s pocket money for a while for decking you.
Phil considers this for a moment, looking dubious.
PHIL
Well, okay.
(Shouting.)
Sandy, I’m not gonna whip your bum after all.
SANDY O/S (In disbelief.)
You’re not?
PHIL
No, I’m gonna dock your pocket money….
FOOTSTEPS IN CORRIDOR as Sandy returns toward the living room.
Sandy pokes her head around the door, into the living room.
PHIL
Until you’re twenty-five.
Sandy, Marg, and Tosca all look shocked.
SANDY/MARG/TOSCA (Shouting.)
What?
PHIL (To Marg.)
You said I should dock her pocket money.
MARG
But not till she’s twenty-five.
SANDY (Indignant.)
Yeah, I’m only nine-and-a-half now.
PHIL
You’ve gotta learn you can’t get away with decking your old man whenever you feel like it.
Sandy considers for a moment.
SANDY
Couldn’t you just whip my bum instead?
Entering the room, she turns her back toward him, lifts her dress up to reveal her panties, and bends forward a little.
PHIL
No. And don’t point that thing at me…
(Pointing at her rear-end.)
It might go off. I’ve decided I’m gonna use child-psychology and dock your pocket money till you’re twenty-five.
Sandy lowers her skirt and turns around again.
SANDY (Angry.)
Shit!
(Holding up a fist.)
If I ever meet a child-psychologist, I’m gonna deck him but good!
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — THE FOLLOWING MONDAY
Marg and Phil are now seated at armchairs in front of the TV.
FOOTSTEPS IN THE CORRIDOR, then Sandy and Tosca enter the living room.
PHIL (Seeing them.)
Oh Jesus, what’re you want now?
MARG
Your dad means, “Hello, kids”.
Tosca walks over and holds out a hand toward Phil.
TOSCA
It’s Monday, I want my pocket money.
PHIL
Oh, yeah.
Phil reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out his wallet. He opens the wallet and takes out a couple of notes, which he hands to Tosca.
PHIL
There you go, son.
TOSCA
Thanks, dad.
He turns and walks across to the door and leaves the living room.
Sandy walks across to Phil and holds out a hand.
PHIL (Putting away his wallet.)
What’re you want?
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL
Wrack off, you’re docked until you’re twenty-five.
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Emphatic.)
No!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL
Not until you’re twenty-five!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Shouting.)
No, damn it! Now get lost!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Angry.)
Get lost!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — FOUR YEARS LATER
Marg and Phil still seated at armchairs, Sandy still standing beside Phil’s chair with her hand held out.
Sandy now looks about thirteen.
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Angry.)
Wrack off!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Shouting.)
Not until you’re twenty-five!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL
Get lost dammit!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — FIVE YEARS LATER
Marg and Phil still seated at armchairs, Sandy still standing beside Phil’s chair with her hand held out.
Sandy now looks eighteen.
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Angry.)
Wrack off!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Shouting.)
Not until you’re twenty-five!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL
Get lost dammit!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — SEVEN YEARS LATER
Marg and Phil still seated at armchairs, Sandy still standing beside Phil’s chair with her hand held out.
Sandy now looks in her mid twenties.
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Angry.)
Wrack off!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL
Get lost dammit!
SANDY
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money…?
(Half a beat.)
Dad, can I please have some pocket money?
PHIL (Shouting.)
Not until you’re twenty-five!
SANDY
But I am twenty-five, damn it. We celebrated my birthday last weekend, remember?
PHIL (Considering a moment.)
Oh yeah, that’s right.
(Reaching into his back pocket for his wallet.)
Now, let’s see, how much was it that I used to give you?
(Considering a moment.)
Fifty cents if I remember rightly.
He counts some coins out onto her palm.
SANDY (Angry.)
Dad!
PHIL (Puzzled.)
What is it now?
SANDY
I was only nine-and-a-half when you gave me fifty cents a week. I’m twenty-five now.
PHIL (Considering a moment.)
Okay, well, we’ll make it an even dollar.
He adds an extra fifty cents.
Sandy stares at the coins in dismay.
SANDY (Under breath.)
Cheap skate.
(Heading toward door.)
Don’t bother talking about inflation in this house.
PHIL
Just be sure you’re good from now on. Or I might dock your pocket money for a longer period next time.
Sandy turns back and stares in amazement at Phil.
SANDY
I’m tempted to deck him again. But God knows how long he’d dock me for next time.
PHIL
Now be a good girl from now on.
MARG
And never deck your old man again.
SANDY (Puzzled.)
Why the hell not?
Marg considers this for a while, looking uncertain.
MARG
Well…
(Half a beat.)
He is your father after all.
SANDY
Has that ever been proven?
MARG
Yes. My mother insisted on taking blood tests after each of you kids were born.
SANDY (Puzzled.)
How come.
MARG (Considering a moment.)
I think she was just hoping for the best.
PHIL
Yeah the old bag probably thought that I’d be so offended if your mum had cheated on me that I’d divorce her.
MARG
She obviously didn’t realise he’s got no shame or pride at all.
SANDY
Obviously not…
(Half a beat.)
Besides if he divorced you, who’d he ever find desperate enough to go to bed with him once you left?
MARG/PHIL
Hey!
Sandy shrugs. After a moment, she turns and walks out into the corridor.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — PHIL AND MARG
are sitting together at a brand new, four-person sofa. Beside the sofa is an expensive hi-fi unit, complete with 99-disk CD-player.
In front of the sofa, on RHS is a $10,000 surround-sound quadraphonic TV system.
On LHS, beside TV, is a large desk holding three brand-new PCs, linked together.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE JONESES’ HOUSE — DAY
A RATTLY OLD CAR pulls up outside the house, then Don
and Glenda get out and walk across to open the RUSTY GATE then walk into the front yard and across to KNOCK on the front door.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY — AS BEFORE
PHIL (Without looking up from TV.)
Come in.
EXT. FRONT PORCH OF JONESES’ HOUSE — DAY
Glenda and Don KNOCKING on door.
MARG O/S
The key is under the mat.
Glenda and Don look at each other for a moment, then Don bends down to lift the key out from under the mat.
GLENDA
I guess they’re too lazy to get up and open the door.
DON (Opening front door.)
Yeah, that certainly sounds like them.
GLENDA
Well I guess they’ve got nothing worth stealing in this old dump.
Don holds the door open wide and Glenda walks into the house.
DON
You’re not wrong. If we’re poor….
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
FRONT DOOR OPENING, then FOOTSTEPS IN THE CORRIDOR.
DON O/S
Then they’re positively….
The living room door opens and Glenda and Don enter and stare around the living room in astonishment.
DON
Dirt po….
He stops and stares in amazement at the four-person sofa, hi-fi unit, 99-disk CD-player, $10,000 surround-sound quadraphonic TV system, and desk holding three PCs, linked together.
DON
Jesus, did you two win the lottery, or something?
MARG (Puzzled.)
No. Why do you ask?
GLENDA (Puzzled.)
Why do we ask? Just look around.
PHIL
All right, so we like a few creature comforts.
GLENDA
A few creature comforts? Jesus, Bill Gates doesn’t have it this good!
DON
Yeah, brand new surround sound TV and VCR.
MARG
Actually it’s a brand new Digital Video-Disk player.
She points to a great stack of DVD disks beside it.
GLENDA
My God, those things cost over a grand, don’t they?
PHIL
Normally. But this one records on blank disks as well.
DON
A DVD-RAM? Those things go for nearly two grand.
PHIL
So what’s your point exactly?
GLENDA
So our point is that we could use some of your good fortune.
DON
Yeah, we can’t even afford a decent car.
GLENDA
Our old rust bucket is nearly thirty years old.
MARG
Yeah, we heard it as you pulled up. It’s not a patch on my new Volvo.
PHIL
Let alone my new Cadillac.
DON (Amazed.)
You’ve gone to two cars?
PHIL
Yeah, Marg kept crashing mine, so I figured I’d better buy her her own car…
(Half a beat.)
So she could crash it instead.
MARG (Glaring at him.)
What was that, you dweeb?
PHIL
Er, well, um, what I meant to say was, sure, why not? If you’ve got it, flaunt it, that’s what I always say.
GLENDA
It’s okay for you two, you’re obviously doing well. But our bills are backing up like the dunnies at Parliament House.
DON
We tried to get an overdraft on our overdraft, but the banks aren’t as dumb as they look…
(Half a beat.)
Anymore.
GLENDA
We’ve been trying to put a little aside to save up for a deposit on a new car.
DON
But it’s adding up very slowly.
PHIL
How much have you saved so far?
GLENDA
A little over $500 so far.
DON
And what kind of car can you buy for $500?
MARG
A brand new BMW, if you know where to look.
Don and Glenda look about the living room, at the DVD-RAM, surround sound TV, etc.
DON (Shaking head.)
No, no, we can’t afford to buy anything stolen.
GLENDA
Yeah, we’re in enough trouble already with the cops for not paying our bills.
PHIL
Relax, who’s talking about stolen property?
MARG
Yeah, these cars are strictly legit, with papers and rego and everything.
GLENDA (In disbelief.)
Brand new and legit for only $500?
PHIL
Well…
(Half a beat.)
Nearly brand new.
DON
But how?
Marg picks up a remote control to turn off the TV, then they both stand up.
PHIL (Standing up.)
Just follow us.
They all file out into the corridor.
EXT. OUTSIDE FRONT DOOR — DAY
Front door opens and Marg, Phil, Don, and Glenda all walk out.
Glenda and Don start across toward the gate.
Phil and Marg walk round toward side of the house.
MARG
Hey, come on, we’ll take my car.
PHIL
Yeah, yours might not make it all the way to where we’re going.
Don opens the gate wide, then follows after Glenda, Marg, and Phil.
EXT. DRIVEWAY AT LHS OF HOUSE — DAY — MARG &
PHIL are climbing into a near new Volvo.
GLENDA (Climbing into the back.)
So where are we going?
MARG
You’ll see when we get there.
PHIL
It’s where we do all our shopping for electrical goods.
INT. INSIDE VOLVO — DAY
Glenda scoots across on the seat to make room for Don.
DON (Climbing into back seat.)
It must be one of those budget import places?
GLENDA
Surely they don’t sell near new cars for only $500?
PHIL
Ah, ah, no fair guessing.
Marg puts the car into gear and starts it.
FADE OUT:
ACT FOUR:
FADE IN:
EXT. DRIVEWAY AT LHS OF HOUSE — DAY
The car races forward, stopping centimetres short of a huge Cadillac.
INT. INSIDE VOLVO — DAY
MARG (Glaring at Phil.)
Don’t say anything…!
(Half a beat.)
Okay, so I forget to put the damn thing into reverse…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t know why the bloody things don’t just go the way you want them to go anyway?
PHIL
If they ever invent thought-controlled cars, they will…
(Half a beat.)
But in the meantime you have to manually change gears.
MARG (Angry.)
Nag! Nag! Nag! Jesus, and they talk about us women nagging!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE HOUSE — DAY
Volvo races backwards out of driveway, across the road, crashes through the wrought-iron gates and into the driveway of the house across the road.
INT. INSIDE VOLVO — DAY
PHIL (To Glenda and Don.)
Now you see why I got her her own car.
MARG
Nag! Nag! Nag! So I haven’t worked out how to use the brakes yet. No one’s perfect!
PHIL
You’ve been driving for twenty years now.
MARG
Nag! Nag! Nag!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE HOUSE — DAY
The car drives out of the driveway. The front door opens and a middle-aged man and woman and two young kids run out of the house.
They stare in shock at the ruins of their wrought-iron gate.
MAN (Shaking a fist at the Volvo.)
Come back here you maniacs.
INT. INSIDE VOLVO — DAY
Ignoring the man and his family, Marg turns right into the street and they drive down toward the next intersection.
GLENDA
Perhaps you orta see if you can pick up wrought-iron gates at this place you’re taking us to?
PHIL
Good idea.
MARG
I don’t know why that idiot’s getting so het up anyway? Anyone’d think I’d never reversed through their gates before.
PHIL
Yeah, she does it at least once a month.
MARG
Shut up!
EXT. CAR PARK OUTSIDE LUXURY HIGH-RISE — DAY
The Joneses’s Volvo pulls into the car park, where seemingly hundreds of Rolls-Royces, Cadillacs, BMWs, Jaguars, Mercs, et cetera are parked.
INT./EXT. CAR/CAR PARK — DAY — GLENDA & DON
stare out in wonder at the great collection of luxury cars.
GLENDA
They’ll never let the likes of us into this place.
DON
No fear of that!
MARG
Relax dudes and dudettes, this place doesn’t have any standards…
(Half a beat.)
They’ll let anyone in here.
PHIL
Yeah, they let Jeff Kennett in. And if they let that bastard in they’ll welcome us with open arms.
MARG
Besides, how can they stop us from coming in here? After all it’s a free country.
PHIL
At least that’s what the fascist dictator tells us…
(Half a beat.)
And we have to believe him, or he’ll have us shot.
Marg drives through rows of BMWs, Cadillacs, Mercs, et cetera, while the Teatrees stare in amazement.
GLENDA
Jesus, look at all those swanky cars.
DON
Are they really all for sale?
MARG
Most of them.
GLENDA
What is this place?
DON
Some kind of bargain-basement luxury-car seller?
MARG
Not quite.
GLENDA
Is it a repossession place?
PHIL
Nope.
DON
Then it must be a park for illegally imported cars confiscated by the Customs Department?
MARG
You’re getting cold.
DON/GLENDA (Impatient.)
Then what is it?
MARG
Crown Casino car park. It’s the only place to buy a really good, near new car cheap.
PHIL
Yeah, when those mug-punters get really desperate they’d sell their own grannies…
(Half a beat.)
If you’re into that kind of thing.
GLENDA
But the people who own these cars must be loaded with cash.
PHIL
Loaded or not, after a few hours losing in this place, they’re desperate enough to sell their car for a song.
As she drives along, Marg is looking left and right for a parking space.
PHIL
There’s a place.
Phil points to a space ahead of them and Marg pulls into the space and plants her foot on the accelerator so the car suddenly races forward.
GLENDA/PHIL/DON
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
They all plant their feet on the floor and grab onto the seat in front of them, or the dashboard.
Marg slams her foot on the brake and they SCREECH to a stop inches from the car ahead of them.
MARG (Indignant.)
How dare you? I resent the suggestion that I’m a dangerous driver…!
(Half a beat.)
Especially from you, Glenda. As a woman yourself, you should be above tacky woman-driver jokes.
GLENDA (Defensive.)
Women can get terrified just as easily as men, you know!
Marg glares at Glenda.
EXT. CAR PARK OUTSIDE LUXURY HIGH-RISE — DAY
The Joneses and Teatrees climb out of the Volvo and walk out into the aisle between two rows of parked cars.
DON (Puzzled.)
So how do we buy a car here?
MARG
Simple. Just walk down the aisles of parked cars, till you find one that takes your fancy. Then wait for its owner to return and offer him $500 for it.
They start walking along the aisle looking at cars.
PHIL
If you’re lucky he’s done his dough in the casino and is desperate enough to take you up on your offer.
GLENDA
It’s just like being at the supermarket, isn’t it?
MARG
Only better. You won’t find Rollers, or Caddies on sale for $500 at Daimaru.
DON
What if the owner won’t sell?
GLENDA
Or he wants more than the $500?
MARG
No, no, no! Never haggle with them!
PHIL
She’s right, this is the ultimate buyers market…
(Half a beat.)
If you can’t get the sucker’s car for $500, tell him to wrack off, let him drive away and start looking round for another car you like.
DON
What if the next bloke won’t sell for $500 either?
They stop to look at a couple of BMWs for a moment.
MARG
No worries, you just have to learn to be patient. It might take a couple of hours, or even days to get a car you like at the price you wanna pay…
(Half a beat.)
But sooner or later you’ll get a BMW or a Caddie, or a Merc for $500 or less.
PHIL
And even if it does take a few days, it’s still quicker than waiting till you earn more money, or trying to get finance from a bloody Robber-Baron bank.
They walk on again.
MARG
And you won’t have all those years paying back the banks.
They stop to look at a huge Cadillac Eldorado.
DON (Almost drooling.)
Now this is my kind of car.
GLENDA
No way, it’s much too ostentatious. I’d sooner have a BMW or a Merc. Or perhaps a Rover.
MARG (Pointing.)
There’s a nice selection of Rovers and Mercs just down there a little way.
PHIL
Well, why don’t you two go check them out, while Don and me check out the cars around here.
GLENDA
Okie dokie.
MARG
Okay.
Marg and Glenda walk off and are soon O/S.
PHIL
I don’t know about you, mate, but all of these sexy cars are making me horny.
DON
Well, try not to damage yourself on the exhaust pipe.
PHIL (Glaring at Don.)
I didn’t mean that. I meant I’d like to get it on with someone.
DON (Worried.)
Well don’t look at me. I’m married. Besides…
(Half a beat.)
Those horrible rumours about me aren’t true.
PHIL (Exasperated.)
No, no, you idiot, cars aren’t the only thing you can buy in Crown Casino car park. Where do you think we got our new lounge suite, surround-sound TV, DVD-RAM, hi-fi unit and all the other gear?
DON (Considering a moment.)
Down at that pub where they sell cheap crap that fell of the back of the truck, I suppose?
PHIL
No.
DON
Then I guess you got them the same place you always get stuff. You stole them?
They start down an aisle between two rows of cars.
PHIL (Exasperated.)
No…
(Half a beat.)
In the past that’s how we used to get everything cheap. But since discovering the wonders of Crown Casino car park, we haven’t had to risk getting busted by the cops for dealing in stolen goods…
(Half a beat.)
Crown Casino car park is better than a shady pawnbroker. Believe me this is the place to go for all your household and electrical needs. We’ve just bought Pentium-V PCs for each of the kids and we’re planning to give Marg’s three ugly stepsisters PCs for Christmas this year.
At the end of the aisle they are walking down are a dozen or so women, all dressed up like caricatures of hookers, ranging in age from about eighteen to nearly ninety.
PHIL
It’s also the best place to pick up some nookie.
DON (Amazed.)
But I thought there were three brothels right near where you live…?
(Half a beat.)
I’ve always envied you for that.
PHIL
There are, if you wanna pay their prices. But this is much better…
(Half a beat.)
At a brothel it’s at least $150 an hour, with no kissing, no anal, and condoms compulsory…
(Half a beat.)
Here it’s ten or fifteen bucks an hour, $2 for a quickie. They’ll take it in any hole you want. And you don’t have to wear a rubber unless you want to.
DON (Impressed.)
Boy you can buy everything in this car park.
PHIL
You’re not wrong. Cars, nookie, CD-players, PCs, lounge suites…
(Half a beat.)
Believe me if you want a 100-centimetre TV with surround-sound quadraphonic wall-mounted speakers, this is the place to get it.
DON
Really? How much?
PHIL
It depends on how fleeced they’ve been by the casino. But you can usually pick one up for fifty bucks or less on a good day…
(Half a beat.)
You can get a good lounge suite for a hundred bucks. You name it.
They stop and start checking out the women. Most of them are middle-aged, or elderly. A really old woman, over eighty, hoists up her skirt a little to give them a look at her legs.
ELDERLY HOOKER
How about it, handsome?
PHIL
Well, let me put it like this.
He turns round and throws up on a BMW.
ELDERLY HOOKER (Puzzled.)
I’ll take that to mean no, shall I?
Phil and Don exchange a puzzled look.
DON
Einstein she ain’t.
The two men continue down the line of hookers.
At the very end they find a peroxide blonde of no more than seventeen or eighteen.
PHIL
How much?
YOUNG HOOKER holds up a calculator.
YOUNG HOOKER
For how long?
PHIL
All night.
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
YOUNG HOOKER
Just you? Or your friend as well?
DON
Both of us.
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
YOUNG HOOKER
Taking turns? Or at the same time in different holes?
PHIL
Different holes.
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
YOUNG HOOKER
With or without rubbers?
DON/PHIL
Without!
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
YOUNG HOOKER
Will kissing be required?
PHIL
Absolutely.
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
YOUNG HOOKER
What about blowjobs?
PHIL
Yes.
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
DON
And Greek.
YOUNG HOOKER (Rubbing her backside.)
Ouch!
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
PHIL (Staring at Don.)
Is there something about you that I don’t know…?
(Half a beat.)
And ought to?
DON (Innocently.)
What’re you mean?
YOUNG HOOKER
Will bondage or brutality be required?
PHIL/DON (Shouting.)
Yes!
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
YOUNG HOOKER
By me against you, or by you against me.
DON/PHIL
By us against you!
Young Hooker taps a few buttons on the calculator.
YOUNG HOOKER
Double ouch…!
(Half a beat.)
That’ll be fifty bucks.
(She holds out her right hand.)
In advance.
Don reaches for his wallet, but Phil grabs his arm to stop him.
PHIL (Whispering.)
Not yet! Remember, this is the ultimate buyer’s market!
YOUNG HOOKER
Okay, I’ll make it forty-five bucks…
(Half a beat.)
Forty bucks…
(Half a beat.)
Thirty-five bucks.
DON
What’re you think?
PHIL
Don’t be a sucker…
(Half a beat.)
We’ll leave that to her.
YOUNG HOOKER (Still holding out her right hand.)
All right, make it thirty bucks…
(Half a beat.)
Twenty-five bucks….
(Almost pleading.)
Twenty bucks…
(Half a beat.)
Nineteen…
(Half a beat.)
Eighteen…
(Half a beat.)
Seventeen.
(Frustrated.)
Oh come on you cheap bastards, seventeen bucks for two guys at once, all three holes, no rubbers, kissing, and bondage…
(Half a beat.)
Surely you can’t be that tight?
DON
Just so long as you are.
PHIL/YOUNG HOOKER
Shut up!
PHIL (To hooker.)
Make it fifteen bucks for two nights, and we don’t have to pay you till afterwards.
DON
And only then if we’re completely satisfied.
YOUNG HOOKER (Shocked.)
What! Just how desperate for money do you two cheapskates think I am…?
(Half a beat.)
Don’t think I’m gonna allow myself to be taken to the cleaners by you two, just because I’ve blown my next month’s housekeeping in the casino…
(Half a beat.)
I’ve had to take out two new mortgages on the house…
(Half a beat.)
Three mortgages on the car…
(Half a beat.)
Had to sell my living room suite for fifty bucks…
(Half a beat.)
My kitchen furniture for eighty bucks…
(Half a beat.)
My microwave and bedroom furniture for a hundred bucks…
(Half a beat.)
My husband and kids to white slavers for twenty bucks each…
(Half a beat.)
Just because I’ve got competition here from more hookers than you’d see in a year of watching televised golf….
Don and Phil exchange a puzzled look.
Young Hooker stops and considers what she has just said.
YOUNG HOOKER (Putting down her hand.)
Okay, I guess you’ve got me over a barrel.
DON
We want that too.
PHIL/YOUNG HOOKER
Shut up!
YOUNG HOOKER (Angry.)
“Got me over a barrel” is just a figure of speech.
DON
I don’t care, I still want it in the deal.
PHIL (To Don.)
There definitely is something about you that I don’t know…
(Half a beat.)
And should. Isn’t there?
Don looks away guiltily.
YOUNG HOOKER
Okay, I tell you what I’ll do. Ten bucks for three days. You pay afterwards. Only if you’re completely satisfied. And at the end of three days I have to pay my own transport back here…
(Half a beat.)
That’s my final offer.
DON/PHIL
You got a deal!
PHIL
Okay, come with us.
Don, Phil, and Young Hooker turn and start walking back down the aisle toward where they left the Volvo.
EXT. CAR PARK OUTSIDE LUXURY HIGH-RISE — DAY
Don, Phil, and Young Hooker reach sight of the Volvo and start toward it.
DON (Stopping.)
Hey wait a minute, I just thought of something.
PHIL
What?
DON (Pointing at Young Hooker.)
How are we gonna explain her to Marg and Glenda?
YOUNG HOOKER (Frustrated.)
Jesus, I hope you two aren’t getting cold feet now…?
(Half a beat.)
After that long walk…
(Half a beat.)
Not to mention the humiliation you put me through back there.
PHIL/DON
Shut up!
PHIL (To Don.)
Relax, just leave everything up to the old master.
DON (Looking about himself/Puzzled.)
Who’s he? This old master bloke?
YOUNG HOOKER
And how’s he gonna explain me to your missuses?
PHIL (Angry/Pointing at himself.)
Me, you great dingles, I’m the old master.
DON/YOUNG HOOKER (Puzzled.)
You?
PHIL (Indignant.)
Yes, me…!
(Half a beat.)
I’m the old master.
Don and Young Hooker stare at each other in amazement.
PHIL
Anything I don’t know about women, I’ve forgotten years ago.
Don and Young Hooker both look astonished.
PHIL
Relax dudes and dudettes, I’ll just tell them she’s my aunt.
DON
Your aunt? But she’s only about eighteen.
PHIL
All right, so she’s a very young type aunt.
DON (Sceptical.)
Marg and Glenda will never fall for that…!
(Half a beat.)
They’re not as dumb as they look, you know?
PHIL
I never thought for a second that they could be. But….
A CAR HORN TOOTS behind them.
In b/g the front of a Rolls-Royce appears in SHOT.
PHIL (Starting to turn round.)
Why don’t you stick that horn…?
He stops quickly when he sees Marg and Glenda in the Rolls-Royce.
MARG (Sticky her head out through the side window.)
What was that, you dweeb?
PHIL
I refuse to answer on the grounds you might eliminate me.
Marg stares at him in amazement.
DON (Pointing at Rolls-Royce.)
Jesus, and they said the Caddie I wanted was ostentatious.
Marg and Glenda get out of the Rolls-Royce and walk across to Don, Phil, and Young Hooker.
DON (Pointing at Rolls-Royce.)
So how much did the Battlestar Galactica cost us?
GLENDA
Only $400.
DON (Astonished.)
Only $400? How’d you ever get it so cheap?
GLENDA
He wanted $1,000 but I twisted his arm a little…
(Half a beat.)
Well, actually it was Marg who twisted his arm. Then when he was crying, I told him the price I was prepared to pay.
Don looks astonished by this.
DON
Fair enough, I guess.
MARG (Pointing at Young Hooker.)
Hey, who’s that?
PHIL
Just an aunt of mine.
MARG (Suspicious.)
She’s rather young for an aunt, isn’t she?
DON/PHIL
She’s a very young type aunt.
YOUNG HOOKER
I’m a very young type aunt.
Marg and Glenda both look sceptical.
MARG (Sceptical.)
So what’s her name?
YOUNG HOOKER
Suzie.
PHIL
Cynthia.
DON
Gwen.
Marg and Glenda exchange a puzzled look.
Phil, Don, and Young Hooker look at each other sheepishly and go into a huddle.
PHIL (Whispering.)
Just let me do the talking, okay?
DON/YOUNG HOOKER
Okay.
They break up the huddle and look toward Marg and Glenda again.
PHIL (Thumbing toward Young Hooker.)
This is my aunt, Suzie Cynthia Gwen…
(Half a beat.)
My family always did go in for a lot of middle names.
MARG (Sceptical.)
Oh, I see! Like your redheaded cousin, Sally Debbie Mary?
GLENDA
Or your niece, Anthea Joanne Maria?
MARG
Or your long lost sister Greta Wendy Megan?
GLENDA
Or your adopted sister-in-law Betty Joan Mabel?
PHIL
Exactly.
MARG (Sceptical.)
So how come all your relatives are good-looking females. Usually around sixteen or seventeen?
PHIL (Shrugging.)
Just lucky, I guess…
(Half a beat.)
So how come all of your relatives are ugly old bags of sixty and upwards?
Marg considers for a moment, looking annoyed.
MARG (Shrugging.)
Just unlucky, I guess…
(Half a beat.)
Look do you really think we’re gonna let you two perverts get away with…?
Behind them, the back door of the Rolls-Royce opens and a tall, dark, handsome man of about twenty climbs out.
GIGOLO
What’s the hold up, ladies? You know the clock is already running, don’t you?
PHIL/DON (Angry.)
Hey, who’s that?
Marg and Glenda exchange a worried look, then go into a huddle for a moment and whisper to each other.
MARG (Whispering.)
Just let me do the talking.
GLENDA
Okay.
They straighten up again.
MARG
Um, this is my…
(Considering a moment.)
Long lost cousin-in-law.
(Considering a moment.)
Gig.
PHIL (Puzzled.)
Gig?
MARG
Er, yes, Gig…
(Considering a moment.)
O-low.
PHIL (Considering a moment.)
Gig O-low…?
(Half a beat.)
That’s a strange name.
MARG (Defensive.)
No stranger than Suzie Cynthia Gwen…
(Half a beat.)
He’s from my mother’s side of the family.
DON/PHIL/YOUNG HOOKER
Oh, that explains it!
MARG (To Young Hooker/Angry.)
You shut up…!
(Half a beat.)
I have to take sarcasm from those two.
(Pointing at Phil and Don.)
But not you.
GLENDA
Yeah, Phil and Don are too dumb to know any better; but you ought to.
INT./EXT. ROLLS-ROYCE/STREET — DAY
Rolls-Royce is being driven by Glenda. In the back
seat Marg and Gigolo are snuggling up. Gigolo has a hand in Marg’s blouse.
INT./EXT. VOLVO/STREET — DAY
Don is driving. In the back seat Phil and Young Hooker are having sex; Young Hooker is twisted up with her ankles over her shoulders.
DON (Watching in rear-view mirror.)
Is that as uncomfortable as it looks?
PHIL
Shut up and keep your eyes on the road.
YOUNG HOOKER
Yes, it is.
PHIL
I said shut up!
INT. JONESES’ HOUSE, LIVING ROOM — DAY
Glenda and Gigolo are sitting down one end of the four-person sofa; Marg is on Gigolo’s lap. Phil and Don are down the other end of the sofa; Young Hooker is on Phil’s lap.
MARG
Oh, by the way. I’ll be staying the next few days at Glenda’s, with my cousin-in-law, Gig…
(Half a beat.)
If you have no objections?
PHIL
No, that’s okay.
DON
Actually that fits in nicely with our plans.
GLENDA (Suspicious.)
Oh?
PHIL
Yes, Don will be spending the next few days over here with me and my young type aunt Suzie Cynthia Gwen.
YOUNG HOOKER (Rubbing her behind.)
Ouch, is my poor arse ever gonna be sore!
They all turn to stare at her.
DON/PHIL
Shut up!
YOUNG HOOKER (Sulky.)
You shut up.
MARG
Er, well, come on Gig, we’d better be going.
GLENDA (To Don.)
See you in a couple of days.
She stands up.
GIGOLO
So the deal is still $50 for two days, right?
MARG
Yes, yes, as long as you can fill all our requirements.
GLENDA
Not to mention orifices.
MARG/GIGOLO
Shut up!
YOUNG HOOKER
Boy, and I thought I had it bad for the next couple of days.
MARG (Angry.)
Watch it, toots!
GIGOLO (Enthusiastic.)
All right, with a stake like that I can win back my Caddie and my estate as well.
GLENDA
Come on, let’s get outta here.
MARG
Yeah, the clock’s already running on our fifty bucks.
Don and Phil both look annoyed by this.
GIGOLO
Yeah, the sooner I get to work, the sooner I get it over with.
Marg and Glenda glare at him.
Gigolo stands up, carrying Marg.
GIGOLO (Staggering a little.)
Oh my God!
PHIL
Yeah, she’s a dead weight, isn’t she?
GIGOLO
You’re not wrong.
MARG (Angry.)
Shut up!
METAL GATE SQUEAKING out front of house.
Gigolo walks over to window, carrying Marg.
Marg lifts the curtain aside to peer out.
EXT. JONESES’ FRONT YARD — DAY
Sandy and Tosca are returning home from school.
INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
MARG
Oh damn, it’s the kids coming home.
INT. INSIDE HOUSE, CORRIDOR — DAY
Door opens, and Sandy and Tosca enter carry school bags.
MARG O/S
Hurry up and change kids, you’re spending the next couple of days visiting.
Sandy and Tosca both look horrified.
TOSCA/SANDY
Oh no they’re sending us to mum’s three ugly stepsisters!
They run down the corridor to their rooms.
The living room door opens and Marg and Phil walk into corridor.
MARG
Did you hear me kids?
Tosca and Sandy both stop in the doorway of their rooms, clutching the door tightly.
TOSCA/SANDY
We’re not going to stay with Aunties Harriet, Cerille, and Yvonne!
MARG
Of course not!
SANDY
Then where are we going?
Marg and Phil consider for a moment.
PHIL
To the dentist.
MARG
Brilliant!
(A little too loudly.)
That’s right We’re sending you to have all your teeth pulled out.
Sandy and Tosca both consider this, looking a little unsure if they can trust Marg and Phil.
SANDY/TOSCA (Sceptical.)
Are you sure?
MARG (Holding up right hand in scout salute.)
Trust me. We’re sending you both to the dentist for the next two or three days.
SANDY/TOSCA
Well, okay then.
They disappear into their rooms.
INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — A FEW MINUTES LATER
Sandy and Tosca return, now dressed in casual clothes, carrying small suitcases.
Marg is now sitting at the phone stool in the corridor.
MARG
Goodbye.
(She hurriedly hangs up.)
SANDY/TOSCA (Suspicious.)
Hey, who were you phoning?
MARG
Just confirming your appointments with the dentist.
FREEZE FRAME on Marg’s face and run CLOSING CREDITS.
FADE OUT:
TAG:
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. ROLLS-ROYCE/STREET — DAY — MARG
driving with Sandy beside her. In the back are Glenda, Tosca, & Gigolo.
Marg pulls up outside a double-fronted weatherboard house.
EXT. OUTSIDE HOUSE — DAY
The front door opens and three ugly, middle-aged women walk outside.
Harriet, Yvonne and Cerille Longman, are all short, frumpy and middle-aged; typical old-maid types.
INT./EXT. ROLLS-ROYCE/STREET — DAY
TOSCA
Wait a minute, this isn’t the dentist’s!
He turns his head to the left and sees the three ugly, middle-aged women standing outside the house.
TOSCA/SANDY
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
They both grab onto the car seats and hang on for dear life.
EXT. OUTSIDE HOUSE — DAY
In b/g the three ugly, middle-aged women walk across and open the front gate.
Front RHS door of Rolls opens and Marg gets out.
MARG (Angry.)
Dammit, Harriet, I told you to stay inside until we had the kids out of the car.
HARRIET (Contrite.)
Sorry, Luvie, but we were all eager to see this new Rolls-Royce of Glenda and Don’s.
MARG
Well, now you’re here, you might as well give us a hand to get the kids out of the car.
Harriet, Cerille, and Yvonne all run across to the car.
Gigolo and Glenda get out of the car.
Gigolo and Marg grab onto Tosca’s feet to try dragging him out.
Harriet and Glenda grab onto Sandy’s feet and start pulling her.
HARRIET
Now come on kiddies, don’t you want to spend a few days with your Aunties Harriet, Yvonne, and Cerille?
INT./EXT. ROLLS-ROYCE/STREET — DAY — TOSCA &
Sandy both holding on for dear life as the adults are pulling at their feet, trying to pull them out of the Rolls-Royce.
TOSCA (Puzzled.)
Is she kidding, or what?
SANDY (Considering a moment.)
Who can tell with her?
FADE OUT:
END OF TAG:
END OF FILM:
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