SLOW PAN ACROSS the control room to show the President, 1st Lady, & dignitaries all looking thoroughly bored, and masses of electrical equipment, computers, etc.

Technicians are standing around watching a big screen on which is an image of the GEMINI 13, a saucer-shaped spaceship, on a take-off pad.

DOCTOR POOF V/O
Oh spin on!

MOVING SHOT, FAST-MO across the room and out the door.

EXT. TARMAC — NIGHT — CAMERA’S P.O.V.
MOVING SHOT in FAST-MO out the door as it SLAMS open, then racing across the tarmac toward the Gemini 13.

MOVING SHOT racing up the ramp and into the Gemini 13.

INT. GEMINI 13, TOP DECK — LIT — CAMERA’S P.O.V.
MOVING SHOT racing in from the ramp, across the flight deck to where DOCTOR POOF is kneeling before the drive consul, unscrewing a metal partition.

DOCTOR POOF is one of three P.O.V. characters.   He is bisexual and makes advances at all the females plus Bill.   He is at heart a mischief making bumbler.

Still in FAST-MO he hurriedly undoes the section, lifts it away, unscrews a small gizmo, which he pockets, then he replaces the metal partition.

NARRATOR V/O (High, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!

Slow SHOT to NORMAL as Doctor Poof starts to screw back the metal partition.

NARRATOR V/O (High, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!
(Speaking normally.)
Er, well, um, that is stop that!

Doctor Poof continues to screw back the partition as a soldier walks up the ramp behind him and enters the flight deck.

ARLENE RAWLINSON V/O
Oh spin on!

FAST-MO as SOLDIER races across the flight deck toward Doctor Poof and starts gesturing at him with his rifle, while talking in a squeaky voice.

Doctor Poof answers in a squeaky voice.

Soldier points behind him with rifle and speaks in a squeaky voice.

Doctor Poof shakes his head, squeaking back at Soldier.

Soldier raises the rifle to hit Doctor Poof, but Doctor Poof ducks aside as he swings the rifle, and knees Soldier in the groin.

SOLDIER (High, squeaky voice.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   My nuts!   My nuts!

He drops to the floor, dropping his rifle and clutching himself between the legs.

NARRATOR V/O (High, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!

Film slows to NORMAL.

SOLDIER (High, squeaky voice.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   My nuts!   My nuts!

NARRATOR V/O
We’re back to NORMAL now.   You can talk properly.

SOLDIER (High, squeaky voice.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   My nuts!   My nuts!

NARRATOR V/O (Puzzled.)
I guess he can’t!

Doctor Poof walks over to grab Soldier’s rifle.   He swings it hard and cracks it against Soldier’s head, knocking him out.

Then grabbing Soldier by the collar, Doctor Poof starts dragging him across the flight deck toward a garbage disposal chute.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON V/O
Oh spin on!

FAST-MO as Doctor Poof tosses Soldier into chute, which he vanishes down in the blink of an eye.

DOCTOR POOF (High, squeaky voice.)
Sucked out!

Doctor Poof turns and races back across the flight deck toward the ramp.

INT. MEDICAL ROOM — LIT — THE RAWLINSON FAMILY & LON EAST waiting for their final medicals

Film slows to NORMAL.

NARRATOR V/O
Thus we prepare for the most epic sojourn in the history of mankind.   Heading the space expedition will be Doctor TOM RAWLINSON, professor of astral-physics at the University of Illinois.
(Half a beat.)
And marking the first time a man has been able to take some rumpy-pumpy into deep space with him, Tom is taking his wife, ARLENE RAWLINSON with him. 
(Half a beat.)
Stacked as hell, you can be sure the redheaded hornbag will be copping it through all three holes every night from Tom.
Tom & Arlene hug tightly and kiss deeply.

ARLENE RAWLINSON is an attractive redhead in the late thirties, and Tom’s wife, a minor character.

TOM RAWLINSON is the father of Wendy, Bill and Trudie.   Officially the leader of the expedition, but he is not very good at problem solving or taking authority.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Shouting.)
Stuff your tongue right down her throat, Dad!

LON EAST
Grab her by the ass, Tom.

Arlene leaps up and wraps her legs around Tom’s waist as he grabs her by the ass to soul kiss deeply while BILL RAWLINSON & WENDY Rawlinson watch on in amazement.

WENDY RAWLINSON is twelve and is the main P.O.V. character.   She is a precocious brat, good at getting into mischief and even better at getting out of it by blaming Doctor Poof, Bill or Trudie.

BILL RAWLINSON is the third P.O.V. character.   A redhead aged thirteen.   A close friend of Doctor Poof although he avoids his sexual advances.   Also a frequent victim of Wendy’s mischief.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON is a tall, blonde, aged nineteen, Tom and Arlene’s oldest child.   She is oversexed and has affairs with both Doctor Poof and Lon.

LON EAST is the spaceship pilot, who has affairs with Trudie and makes eyes at Arlene.

BILL RAWLINSON (Shouting.)
Hump her good, Dad!

NARRATOR (Shouting.)
Someone throw a bucket of water over them quickly.
(Calmly.)
Also along on the expedition is their nineteen-year-old daughter, Trudie.   A blonde hornbag with a lovely round ass who looks like she’d bang like a dunny-door in Darwin.

Trudie runs her tongue suggestively round the inside of her mouth while simulating masturbating a penis with her right hand.

NARRATOR V/O
Trudie is postponing a promising career in romantic comedy by at least two hundred years to go with her family.   Also going is their son, Bill, who graduated from Cal-Tech with majors in astral-physics and electrical engineering at the age of thirteen.
(Half a beat.)
Also their youngest daughter, Wendy, age twelve, who has a fantastic ass and looks as though she’ll grow up to be just as big a hornbag as her mother and elder sister.

Tom & Arlene drop to the floor and start pulling off each other’s clothing, still kissing deeply.

EXT. TARMAC — NIGHT — CAMERA’S P.O.V.
FAST-MO as Doctor Poof races out of the Gemini 13 and starts racing across the tarmac toward another building.

INT. MEDICAL ROOM — LIT — TOM RAWLINSON &
ARLENE RAWLINSON are now naked on the floor having sex, still in FAST-MO, as the door SLAMS open.

Looking extremely embarrassed to see Doctor Poof, Tom & Arlene hurriedly pull on their clothes again and stand.

Doctor Poof races across and quickly examines Tom. 

Then he races over to examine Arlene, taking the time to squeeze her breasts.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (High, squeaky voice.)
Hey!   Stop that!   Stop that!
(Slapping at his hands.)
Doctor Poof races across to examine Trudie next, taking the time to squeeze her breasts also.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (High, squeaky voice.)
Hey!   Stop that!   Stop that!

Doctor Poof races across to examine Wendy.

WENDY RAWLINSON (High, squeaky voice.)
Oh no you don’t!

As Doctor Poof reaches toward her chest, Wendy turns her back on him, so Doctor Poof gooses her instead.

WENDY RAWLINSON (High, squeaky voice.)
Hey, stop that!   Stop that!

Wendy spins round again to glare at Doctor Poof.

DOCTOR POOF (High, squeaky voice.)
Nice ass!

Doctor Poof races over to examine Bill and gooses him too.

BILL RAWLINSON (High, squeaky voice.)
Hey, stop that!

DOCTOR POOF (High, squeaky voice.)
Same here!

NARRATOR V/O (High, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!

Film slows to NORMAL.

DOCTOR POOF (Embarrassed.)
I didn’t mean anything by it.   It was just an innocent little goose.
(Shouting.)
Honest…
(Half a beat.)
Leeeeeeeeee!

NARRATOR V/O
I meant stop the fast-forward!

DOCTOR POOF
Oh, I see.

TOM RAWLINSON
Well, how are we, Doctor?

DOCTOR POOF
You all pass.   But I’d still like to give Arlene & Trudie a full breast examination and maybe check Bill & Wendy for haemorrhoids.

ARLENE RAWLINSON/TRUDIE RAWLINSON/WENDY RAWLINSON/BILL RAWLINSON
No bloody way!

DOCTOR POOF
Oh well, it was worth a try.

WENDY RAWLINSON V/O
Oh spin on!

MOVING SHOT, FAST-MO again.

Start rolling OPENING CREDITS as Doctor Poof & the others start racing toward the door.

EXT. TARMAC — NIGHT — OUTSIDE MEDICAL ROOM
Doctor Poof races out of the building and runs across the tarmac to the Gemini 13 and runs aboard.

A few seconds later Tom Rawlinson and the others race out of the building and run across the tarmac to enter the Gemini 13.

ROARING OF EXHAUST ROCKETS and the Gemini 13 takes off.

DOCTOR POOF O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — DOCTOR POOF
is holding onto the flight consul with his feet pulling up toward the ceiling, as they zoom into space.

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Tom Rawlinson and the others are in suspended animation in glass tubes behind Doctor Poof.

As they get out of Earth’s atmosphere, the artificial gravity stabilises and Doctor Poof falls down onto the flight consul, hitting the controls, then falls to the floor.

Film slows to NORMAL.

The Gemini 13 lurches suddenly and very phoney asteroids start belting into the glass viewer-screen.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh no, I’d better wake Major East!

Climbing to his feet, he races over to the freezer tubes and starts to open Lon’s tube.

Then seeing Trudie in the next tube, he stares at her breasts for a moment.

DOCTOR POOF
On second thought I might revive Trudie instead.

He unlocks Trudie’s tube.   She moans and falls into Doctor Poof’s arms and they both fall to the floor with Trudie on top.

DOCTOR POOF
I always said she was the passionate one.

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT – ASTEROIDS STILL belting into viewer-screen.

Doctor Poof and Trudie are now both naked, having sex in the missionary position, with Trudie almost breaking Doctor Poof’s back with her thighs locked around him, pulling him into her.

The Gemini 13 lurches wildly and the other freezer tubes pop open and Tom Rawlinson and the others are thrown to the floor.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   The earth moved for me that time!

Tom Rawlinson and the others open their eyes and stare at Trudie & Doctor Poof in amazement.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Doctor Poof, what are you doing here?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Inside Trudie!

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Shut up, Wendy!

DOCTOR POOF
Just giving her, her final examination.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Which is why I’m naked.

WENDY RAWLINSON
But why is Doctor Poof naked?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
I’m giving him his final examination.

Arlene, Trudie, & Lon all stare at Trudie and Doctor Poof as they gather up their clothing and race across to a small elevator, enter it and start down to the lower deck.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
We can finish up downstairs.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Angry.)
What was that, Trudie?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Er, um, that is, get dressed downstairs.
(Whispering.)
Once we’re finished.

Elevator starts down as Arlene & Tom glare at them.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — HALF AN HOUR LATER
Bill, Wendy, Trudie and Arlene are watching as Tom and Lon are repairing the flight consul with screwdrivers.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Is it anything seriously wrong, Tom?

TOM RAWLINSON
No, just minor damage caused by crashing through that very phoney asteroid belt.   But I’ll have to turn off the artificial gravity for a while, so everyone brace yourself.

Arlene and Trudie hold on as Tom flips a switch.

Wendy and Bill’s feet start floating up off the floor.

Laughing, the two kids start floating about, doing handstands, and swimming through the air.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Just be careful you two.

LON EAST
Yeah, you’ll come crashing back to earth when we restore the artificial gravity.

INT. LOWER DECK — LIT — DOCTOR POOF’S ROOM
Doctor Poof is working on the ROBOT when suddenly the
artificial gravity goes off.

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Doctor Poof floats up toward the ceiling, followed by the Robot.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE
Wendy & Bill are still floating.

TOM RAWLINSON
Okay, kids, you’d better come down now.   We’re ready to restore artificial gravity.

Wendy and Bill start swimming down toward Arlene and Trudie, who grab onto their arms and help pull them back down to the ground.

LON EAST
Okay, here goes.

He flips a switch on the flight consul.

INT. DOCTOR POOF’S ROOM — LIT — DOCTOR POOF &
the Robot still floating in Doctor Poof’s room.

Suddenly Doctor Poof crashes back down to the floor.

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He looks up and sees the Robot plummeting toward him.

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Robot crashes down onto Doctor Poof who is silenced.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Is it fixed now?

TOM RAWLINSON
All we can fix inside.   But I’m going to have to go out and space walk to do the most urgent repairs to our radio antenna.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Can’t it wait till we get to Beta Centauri?

LON EAST
No.   If it’s not repaired we won’t get to Beta Centauri.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Besides, how can you expect me to go that long without listening to music?

TOM RAWLINSON
I meant so we can listen to NASA control.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh, well in that case, can’t it wait till we get to Beta Centauri?

TOM RAWLINSON
No, I have to go out space walking.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Let me, Dad, I can do it, I know I can.

Lon makes obscene thrusting motions with his crotch.

LON EAST
Well, come here and do it with me, cutie.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Embarrassed.)
No, no, I meant I can do the repairs outside the spaceship.

LON EAST
Oh.   Well, in that case forget it.   You’re not doing that with me.   No way am I space walking.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Whispering To Lon.)
See me later, and we’ll talk more about doing it together.

TOM RAWLINSON
Check the navigation settings, Lon.

LON EAST (Checking consul.)
They’re all correct…
(Half a beat.)
More or less.
(Pointing at the controls as he talks.)
This one is set for Mars, when it should be set for Beta Centauri.   This one is set for Jupiter instead of the moon.   And this one is set for the Sun, instead of the Big Dipper, where it should be.   But apart from that they’re all perfect.

TOM RAWLINSON
Good work.

INT./EXT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK/OUTER SPACE — LIT
A planet can be seen through the large front window, rapidly approaching.

TOM RAWLINSON
Hold tight, everyone!

EXT. SPACE — DARK — GEMINI 13
racing through space toward the planet.

The Gemini 13 starts to rock a little as it enters the planet’s atmosphere and races toward the craggy surface of the planet.

INT./EXT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK/PLANET — LIT
Craggy Peaks racing up toward them through window.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   We’re going to crash!

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Calm down, honey.

EXT. SPACE — DARK — GEMINI 13 CRASHES INTO
a series of craggy peaks upon a mountain range and ricochets around.

BUZZ SAW and tops of mountains fall off as the Gemini 13 ricochets across to some flat land, where it comes to ground with a CRASH.

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — WENDY RAWLINSON lying unconscious across the flight consul, her
backside toward SHOT.   Lon East and the others lying on the floor staring at Wendy.

LON EAST
Doctor Poof was right, she does have a nice ass.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Shut up, you pervert!

They get up and Arlene and Trudie go over to lift Wendy down from the flight consul and start reviving her.

Lon points to where Bill is lying on the floor.

LON EAST
What happened to Bill?

TOM RAWLINSON
He must have been knocked out in the crash.

DOCTOR POOF
Allow me, I’m a doctor.
(He walks over and kneels down to examine Bill.)
Looks like I’ll have to apply the kiss of life.

He starts kissing Bill with a loud SLURPING SUCKING.

Bill wakes up and stares in horror over Doctor Poof’s shoulder.   Bill starts furious hitting at Doctor Poof and finally manages to push him away from him.

BILL RAWLINSON
What the hell do you think you’re doing, Doctor Poof?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
He was just applying the kiss of life.

BILL RAWLINSON
I know all about the kiss of life…
(Half a beat.)
But that doesn’t explain him sticking his tongue down my throat!

Arlene, Lon, Trudie, and Tom look shocked.

TOM RAWLINSON
Come on Lon, let’s go and check the outside damage to the spaceship.

LON EAST
Okay.

Lon and Tom start across toward the outside door.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Come on girls, we’d better go fix the food, or we won’t be having any supper tonight.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Hey, how come we, the females, have to do the cooking?   Haven’t you heard of Woman’s Lib?   Why don’t the men do the cooking?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Because if we let those idiots into the kitchen, we’d end up starving.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Or eating charcoal!

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh?   Well in that case, let’s go prepare the food.

Arlene, Wendy, and Trudie walk across to the elevator while Doctor Poof stares at them, bent over at the waist.

DOCTOR POOF
Jesus, look at those three beautiful asses in motion!

Arlene, Wendy, and Trudie turn back and glare at him.

INT. LOWER DECK, DINING ROOM — LIT — LON EAST
is sitting alone at the dining table.   Kneeling under the table is Trudie who has her head in Lon’s lap moving it up and down, making OBSCENE SLURPING NOISES.

Doctor Poof, Arlene, Tom, Bill, and Wendy walk in and sit at the table beside Lon and start eating their supper.

DOCTOR POOF
Ah food, I’m famished, simply famished.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Lon, do you know where Trudie is?

LON EAST (Shouting.)
Oh yes!   Yes!   Yes!   Yeeeeeeeeeeees!
(Embarrassed.)
Er, well, that is, I think she’s out in the hydrophonic garden.

TOM RAWLINSON
Will you call your sister in, Wendy?

WENDY RAWLINSON (Shouting.)
Trudie!

HEAD BUMPING UNDERSIDE OF TABLE.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON O/S
Ouch!

Lon hurriedly adjusts himself as the others lift up the table cloth and stare at Trudie kneeling on the floor under the table, rubbing at the top of her head with one hand.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Trudie?   What are you doing down there?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Thinking fast.)
Er, um, I dropped my fork.

BILL RAWLINSON (Picking up a fork.)
No, you didn’t, it’s on the table.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Oh…
(Half a beat.)
That explains why I couldn’t find it.

The others look puzzled as Trudie climbs up into her chair.

WENDY RAWLINSON (Pointing.)
And what’s that thing on Lon’s lap, that looks like a set of bagpipes?

As Trudie sits beside Lon, he picks up a set of bagpipes and puts them onto the table in front of him.

LON EAST
They’re Arlene’s, I was trying to fix them for her.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
So that’s where they got to.   Thank you, Lon.
(Taking bagpipes off table.)

WENDY RAWLINSON (Pointing at Trudie’s face.)
What’s that sticky stuff on your face, sis?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Shocked.)
Oh, my God!

Trudie starts furiously rubbing at her lips.

WENDY RAWLINSON
No, I meant here.

She reaches out and touches Trudie’s cheek and her finger comes away yellow.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Oh, that’s some of my new moisturiser that I loaned her.   Her skin was starting to get chaffed with her old moisturiser.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Relieved.)
Thank God for that.

The others turn to stare at her.

EXT. OUTSIDE GEMINI 13 — NIGHT — DOCTOR POOF,
Bill, Lon, Arlene, Wendy and Trudie standing outside staring up at the stars.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Pointing up at stars.)
Hey look, I think I can see Earth.

They all look where she is pointing.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Hey, you could be right.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh Earth, sweet Earth.   In all the known galaxies there is no place half so wonderful as Earth.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Gee, the rest of the galaxy must be pretty shithouse.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Angry.)
Wendy!   Was that you!

WENDY RAWLINSON
No mom, it was Trudie.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Trudie, how could you?

Arlene grabs Trudie by the shoulders, spins her around and spanks her backside very hard once.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Arlene turns and starts back into the spaceship.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
I’m going to kill you for that, little sister!

Wendy squeals and races across to Arlene.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Mom, Trudie’s picking on me.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Trudie!
(Pointing at spaceship’s ramp.)
Get over here!

Looking dejected, Trudie trots over to Arlene.

Arlene takes Trudie by the shoulders, spins her round again and swats her backside very hard.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   Mom, don’t!

ARLENE RAWLINSON
You have to learn you’re not too old to be spanked.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Why don’t you pull her pants down and spank her bare ass in front of everyone.

DOCTOR POOF/BILL RAWLINSON/LON EAST
Sounds good to me!

ARLENE RAWLINSON
No, I think she’s learnt her lesson.

WENDY RAWLINSON
I doubt it, she’s very obtuse.   Go on, mom, pull her pants down and spank her bare ass in front of everyone.

Trudie turns to glare at Wendy.

INT. SPACESHIP, TOM RAWLINSON & ARLENE RAWLINSON’S BEDROOM — LIT
Tom is lying on the bed writing in his diary.

TOM RAWLINSON
Thus ended our first day on this brave new world.   How were we to know then of the strange adventures in store?

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — ARLENE RAWLINSON & Trudie Rawlinson standing by the outside door watching as Bill uses a screwdriver to fix the electron telescope, which is just inside the doorway.

BILL RAWLINSON
That orta do it.

He looks through the telescope and peers intently.

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE, TELESCOPIC P.O.V. — DAY
HAIRY GIANT standing on mount as Lon and Tom walk
toward him.

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE

BILL RAWLINSON
Oh my God, it’s a giant!

ARLENE RAWLINSON
What?

Arlene snatches the eyepiece of the telescope from Bill and peers down it.

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE, TELESCOPIC P.O.V. — DAY
HAIRY GIANT staring at Lon and Tom as they walk along.

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Oh no, it is a giant, and it’s where Tom and Lon are heading.

BILL RAWLINSON
Don’t worry, mom, I’ll save them.

Bill races across the flight deck to a slim cupboard on the other side.

He opens the cupboard, pulls out a holster-belt with a laser-pistol in it, then turns and runs back across the flight deck and outside.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Bill?   Where are you going?

BILL RAWLINSON
I’m going to bag me a giant.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Oh that Bill!   He’s been completely obsessed with killing giants ever since he saw Disney’s “Jack the Giant-Killer”.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — BILL RAWLINSON
races out of camp and runs across the rocky terrain, until reaching where the giant should be.

BILL RAWLINSON (Looking around.)
Now where is that pesky giant?
(Pointing at boulders.)
Well, there are some rocks like the ones I saw him standing on through the telescope.   But they’re nowhere near as large.

Bill takes a pair of binoculars from a leather case around his neck and starts scanning around.

EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE, BINOCULAR P.O.V. — DAY

360 PAN ROUND terrain.

HAIRY GIANT suddenly appears seemingly standing only inches away from Bill.

BILL RAWLINSON O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — BILL RAWLINSON
drops the binoculars, which SMASH.

In front of Bill a hairy dwarf stands on a boulder.

BILL RAWLINSON (Holstering laser.)
Phew, you had me going for a second there.   I thought you were a giant.   But you’re really only a runt, aren’t you?

Dwarf SNARLS LIKE A TIGER and leaps at Bill.

BILL RAWLINSON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Bill falls over backwards with the Dwarf on top of him.

Bill continues screaming as Dwarf starts kicking and punching him.

Dwarf stands up, lifts Bill above its head and starts spinning him round and round as Bill continues screaming.

Finally Dwarf tosses Bill through the air back toward the spaceship.

BILL RAWLINSON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE
Trudie is now looking through the electron-telescope.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Actually, mom, I’m not sure it is a giant standing on a mountain.   It could be a dwarf standing on a boulder.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Considering a moment.)
Oh that’s right, we’ve got no point of reference.   Looking at an unknown creature against an unknown landscape it could be almost any size.

LOUD CRASH ON ROOF of spaceship.

Arlene and Trudie squeal in shock and duck.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
What was that?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
That dwarf threw something and I think it landed on the Gemini.

Arlene and Trudie turn and race outside the spaceship.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — WENDY RAWLINSON
is sitting in the dirt playing when Arlene and Trudie race out of the spaceship.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Wendy, did you throw something onto the roof of the Gemini?

WENDY RAWLINSON
No, mom, it’s Bill.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Puzzled.)
Bill threw throw something onto the roof of the Gemini?

WENDY RAWLINSON
No, mom, it’s really Bill.

Wendy points and Arlene and Trudie turn round and look up and see Bill lying face down on top of the Gemini.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Bill, you come down from there right this minute!

WENDY RAWLINSON
He can’t, mom, he seems to be sleeping.

Arlene and Trudie stare at Bill who is unconscious.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
What a funny place to take a nap.

Wendy and Trudie turn to stare at Arlene in amazement.

INT. SPACESHIP, TOM RAWLINSON & ARLENE RAWLINSON’S BEDROOM — LIT
Tom is lying on the bed writing in his diary.

TOM RAWLINSON
Of course, not all the aliens we were to meet on the planet would turn out to be hostile.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — DOCTOR POOF,
Wendy, and Bill walking along looking at rocks and taking samples.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh my back, my poor back.

BILL RAWLINSON
What’s the matter, Doctor Poof?

DOCTOR POOF
My poor old back is playing up again.

WENDY RAWLINSON
That’s his excuse whenever there’s hard work to be done.

DOCTOR POOF
How dare you, you malignant little child!

BILL RAWLINSON
Don’t worry, Doctor Poof, you sit down and rest.   Wendy and I can collect the rock samples.

WENDY RAWLINSON (Insistent.)
He’s just bone-idle.

BILL RAWLINSON
Shut up and follow me.   We’ll probably get more done without his help anyway.

DOCTOR POOF
How dare you!

Wendy and Bill walk O/S to RHS of SHOT.

Doctor Poof sits down with his back against a small rock and soon is sound asleep and SNORING.

METALLIC RATTLING, then a small, crab-shaped, robotic device with what looks like great metal talons wheels into SHOT from LHS and wheels up to Doctor Poof.

DOCTOR POOF
Less noise you cantankerous clankerator, can’t you see I’m resting?

ROBOTIC CRAB keeps CLANKING, so Doctor Poof stretches and finally opens his eyes and sees it near his feet.

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   Help, alien invasion!

He leaps to his feet and races out of SHOT to LHS.

After a second Robotic Crab starts CLANKING after him.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — ARLENE RAWLINSON & Trudie Rawlinson are attending the hydrophonic garden when Doctor Poof races into view from behind a great boulder at the outskirts of the camp site.   Not far behind him come racing Wendy and Bill.

DOCTOR POOF
Quickly, quickly, everybody into the spaceship, we’re under attack.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Puzzled.)
Under attack?

Robotic Crab comes into sight from around the boulder, as Doctor Poof, Bill and Wendy race into the Gemini 13.

Trudie & Arlene both squeal in terror, then race after Doctor Poof into the spaceship and shut the door.

INT./EXT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK/CAMP SITE — LIT
Lon, Doctor Poof, & the Rawlinsons standing by the drive consul looking out at Robotic Crab.

BILL RAWLINSON
Do you think it’s really hostile?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Maybe it only wants to be friendly.

TOM RAWLINSON
That’s right, honey, if we’re going to get by in outer space, we have to give creatures we encounter the benefit of the doubt.   Never assume they’re hostile just because they’re different.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Hey it seems to be…?

LOUD POP and Robotic Crab vanishes.

LON EAST
I wonder what happened to it?

LOUD POP and Robotic Crab appears in the flight deck with them.

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Doctor Poof moves back to hide behind Arlene and Trudie and Robotic Crab moves about, examining the flight deck.   It stops at a chair on which is a guitar, and points a claw at the guitar.

LOUD POP and the guitar vanishes.

BILL RAWLINSON
Hey, it stole my guitar.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
No great loss.

Robotic Crab clanks over to where a book lies open on a table.

LOUD POP and the schoolbook vanishes.

WENDY RAWLINSON
It stole all my homework assignments for the next two years!…
(Half a beat.)
Even less of a loss.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
We’ll soon set you some more homework assignments.

WENDY RAWLINSON (With feeling.)
Damn!

Robotic Crab continues to CLANK around the flight deck, pointing at things that pop out of existence.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Looks like it’s taking samples of things.

TOM RAWLINSON
Yes, I think it’s friendly enough.

DOCTOR POOF
That’s all very well, Professor Rawlinson.   But what happens when it decides to sample one of us?

LON EAST
With any luck it’ll select you.   Then it won’t want to take the rest of us.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Yeah, if it thinks Doctor Poof is a typical human specimen…
(Half a beat.)
Believe me, one will be enough.

DOCTOR POOF
How dare you, you malicious mademoiselle!

Robotic Crab continues round the flight deck taking samples till it reaches Doctor Poof and the others.

As Crab approaches them, they all back away slowly.

Finally it races toward Trudie.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Oh no, it’s going to sample me.

As Robotic Crab points a claw at her Trudie screams shrilly.

LOUD POP and Trudie’s clothing vanishes, leaving her naked.

Trudie squeals in shock, turns and races across to the elevator and rushes downstairs.

WENDY RAWLINSON
I was right.   It only wants to be friendly.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — BILL RAWLINSON
is walking along when a long yellow light beam ROARS out of the sky and lands on a shiny metallic circle not far ahead of him.

TOM RAWLINSON V/O
At first it seemed all we did was encounter strange new aliens.

A small UFO appears and the light beam shuts off.

After a moment the top of the UFO opens upwards and an alien man dressed in a shiny, silvery suit steps out.

BILL RAWLINSON (Holding out his right hand.)
Hi, my name’s Bill.   Is there anything I can do for you?

SILVERY MAN just glares at Bill, who hurriedly withdraws his hand.

BILL RAWLINSON (Backing away.)
Then, if you have no objection, I’ll just…
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Chicken off and run away!

Bill turns and races off to LHS of SHOT, almost crashing into the UFO in his haste.

EXT. SANDY TERRAIN, NEAR CAVES — DAY — BILL RAWLINSON runs into SHOT from RHS and stops as a young blond boy steps out of one of the caves.

BLOND BOY looks startled to see Bill.

BILL RAWLINSON
Relax, I only want to be friends.
(Blond boy starts to back into cave.)
Relax, when I say friends, I just mean friends…
(Half a beat.)
Not like when Doctor Poof offers to be friends…
(Half a beat.)
I mean you have to be careful not to bend over in front of that pervert!

Blond Boy stares at Bill for a moment, then holds up a large, silvery, metallic-looking ball.

BILL RAWLINSON
What is that for?

Blond Boy tosses the ball to Bill, who puts up both hands to catch it.

The ball stops and hovers a few feet away from Bill’s head for a second.

Then it zooms forward and hits his head and flies back to Blond Boy, who catches it.

Boy throws the ball again, and again it hovers for a second, then zooms forward and hits Bill’s head and flies back to Blond Boy.

BILL RAWLINSON
Hey, stop that!

Blond Boy throws the ball a third time.

Bill ducks and the ball flies past his head, then hovers behind his head for a second, then it zooms forward and hits his head and flies back to Blond Boy who catches it.

BILL RAWLINSON
Hey stop that, you little nerd!

Blond Boy starts crying.

BILL RAWLINSON (Guiltily.)
Jesus, I should have realised that would upset him…
(Half a beat.)
Even aliens can’t stand nerds…
(Half a beat.)
Oh all right, so you can bounce the damn ball off my head if you like.

Blond Boy stops crying and smiles broadly.

He bounces the ball off Bill’s head again.   With a sigh, Bill turns and starts walking to LHS of SHOT.

Blond Boy bounces the ball off Bill’s head again as they walk along.

Bill starts walking at a slightly faster pace.

Blond Boy speeds up too to keep up and bounces the ball off the back of Bill’s head and catches it again.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — ARLENE RAWLINSON,
Trudie Rawlinson, & Wendy are tending the hydrophonic garden, just outside the spaceship, RHS of SHOT, while Doctor Poof watches as Lon and Tom fix the force-field generator, LHS of SHOT.

Bill walks into SHOT around the boulder RHS of SHOT and approaches the spaceship.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Here comes Bill now, mom.

Blond Boy walks out from behind the boulder.   He bounces the ball off the back of Bill’s head again.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Who’s that with him?

Hearing Trudie, Blond Boy looks startled.   The ball hits him in the head and he falls to the ground.

BILL RAWLINSON
Now you know how it feels.

Blond Boy springs to his feet and races back out of the campsite, leaving the silvery ball behind.

Wendy races over and picks up the silvery ball.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Hey, he left his ball behind.

BILL RAWLINSON
You can have it, I don’t want it.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh great!

Bill turns and starts walking toward the spaceship.

Wendy throws the ball.   It hovers for a second or two, then zooms forward and hits Bill’s head and flies back to Wendy who catches it.

BILL RAWLINSON
Stop that, you little bitch!

Wendy starts crying.

TOM RAWLINSON
Bill, don’t talk to you sister like that!

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Yes, let her bounce the ball off your head if she wants to.

BILL RAWLINSON (Frustrated.)
Oh, all right.

Wendy stops crying and smiles broadly.   She bounces the ball off the back of Bill’s head and catches it again.

Sighing from frustration, Bill walks slowly across toward the spaceship.

Wendy follows him and bounces the ball off the back of Bill’s head and catches it again.

BILL RAWLINSON
Why me, Lord?

Wendy bounces the ball off the back of Bill’s head and catches it again.

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — BILL RAWLINSON
walks inside with Wendy just behind him.

Wendy bounces the ball off the back of Bill’s head and catches it again.

Bill walks across the flight deck toward the elevator.

Wendy bounces the ball off the back of Bill’s head and catches it again.

Bill steps into the elevator, and Wendy races over to stand next to him.

INT. LOWER DECK, CORRIDOR — LIT — ELEVATOR
descends with Bill and Wendy inside.

Bill steps out of the elevator and starts down the corridor, with Wendy walking a few feet behind him.

Wendy bounces the ball off the back of Bill’s head and catches it again.

Bill reaches a door that says “Bill Rawlinson”.   He pulls the door open, steps inside and SLAMS and LOCKS the door.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Damn!

Wendy races across to grab the doorknob and try opening the locked door.   Then after a second she turns and starts back down the corridor.

Wendy steps into the elevator and starts ascending.

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — WENDY RAWLINSON’S head appears in the lift shaft, then the elevator
reaches the top deck and she steps out and starts across the flight deck toward the outside door.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — WENDY RAWLINSON
steps out and stops on the outside ramp and looks across at Trudie and Arlene tending the garden.   Wendy shakes her head and looks across at Lon and Tom repairing the force-field generator.

Wendy shakes her head and looks across at where Doctor Poof is lying in a hammock being fanned by the Robot.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Of course, Doctor Poof!

Wendy races down the ramp and runs over to Doctor Poof.

DOCTOR POOF
Ah, dear child, what is this you have?   A plaything?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Yes, it’s a ball, see.

Wendy throws the ball to Doctor Poof, who puts up his hands to catch it.   But the ball stops just out of his reach and hovers.

DOCTOR POOF
What kind of silly ball is this?   It won’t let itself be caught.

Doctor Poof lowers his hands, and the ball zooms forward and hits his head and flies back to Wendy who catches it.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear, oh dear, what happened?

Wendy throws the ball again.   It hovers for a second, then zooms forward and hits Doctor Poof’s head and flies back to Wendy.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Isn’t it fun, Doctor Poof?

DOCTOR POOF (Snappy.)
It most certainly is not.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh don’t be such an old grouch, Doctor Poof.

Wendy bounces the ball off Doctor Poof’s head and catches it again.

Doctor Poof leaps to his feet and races across to the spaceship.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear, oh dear, this can’t be happening!

Wendy bounces the ball off Doctor Poof’s head and catches it again.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear me, children were so much better behaved in my day.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Yeah, so were the dinosaurs.

DOCTOR POOF
How dare you!

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — DOCTOR POOF
races in from outside with Wendy just behind him.

Wendy bounces the ball off Doctor Poof’s head and catches it again.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear, oh dear me!

He races across to the elevator and races inside.

Wendy races after him, but Doctor Poof slams the elevator gate before she can enter it.

DOCTOR POOF (Hysterical.)
Oh dear, oh dear, no!

Wendy turns away and races across to a ladder shaft leading down to the next deck.

INT. LOWER DECK, CORRIDOR — LIT — DOCTOR POOF
comes into sight as the elevator descends.   He tentatively steps out of the elevator and starts tiptoeing down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.

Wendy climbs down the ladder shaft behind Doctor Poof.   She goes to throw the ball again, but stops and stares in amazement at Doctor Poof tiptoeing down the corridor.

After a second Wendy starts tiptoeing behind him.

As Doctor Poof suddenly stops, Wendy side steps into an open doorway, so that when he spins round there is no one behind him.

DOCTOR POOF (Looking about for a moment.)
I must be just getting jumpy.

He turns back and starts tiptoeing down the corridor again.

After a second Wendy’s head looks out of the doorway.

Seeing Doctor Poof, Wendy steps out into the corridor and starts tiptoeing behind him once more.

He finally reaches a door marked “Doctor Poof”.

DOCTOR POOF
Safe at last.

Wendy starts winding her arm back like a baseball pitcher winding-up as Doctor Poof opens the door and goes to step into his room.   Wendy tosses the ball, which zooms forward and crashes into the back of Doctor Poof’s head, then bounces back to Wendy.

Doctor Poof goes flying in through the open doorway.

SHATTERING and RATTLING as Doctor Poof collides with a great number of things before falling to the ground.

WENDY RAWLINSON (Guilty.)
Whoops!

Wendy hurriedly reverses direction and starts tiptoeing back down the corridor toward the elevator shaft.

The elevator descends and Tom and Lon step out.

TOM RAWLINSON
Ah, Wendy, did you see Doctor Poof?

LON EAST
He’s supposed to be helping us fix the force-field generator.

WENDY RAWLINSON
I think he’s in his room uncons…
(Half a beat.)
Having a nap.

LON EAST
We might have known that goldbrick would be goofing off.

Wendy enters the elevator.   She winds back her arm as though to throw the ball at them, then stops.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Maybe that would be pushing my luck.

Tom and Lon reach the door marked “Doctor Poof”, and stare inside.

INT. CORRIDOR/DOCTOR POOF’S ROOM — LIT, SHOT
through doorway to show Doctor Poof lying face down on his bunk.   A reading lamp, the contents of a coffee table, a small bookcase and its contents, and other things are scattered about the bedroom floor.

Lon and Tom step into the room.

LON EAST
Come on sleeping-beauty, we’ve got work to do.   My God, he’s out like a light.

TOM RAWLINSON (Shocked.)
Just look at this place.   Arlene is right, she always says Doctor Poof is too damn lazy to ever pick up after himself!

LON EAST
Well, if he wants to live in a pigsty it’s no concern of ours.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — WENDY RAWLINSON
steps out onto the outside ramp and looks about.  

She sees Arlene bent across the hydrophonic garden, her ass sticking straight up at Wendy.

Wendy winds back her arm and tosses the ball.   It zooms across and whacks Arlene’s backside with a SOUND LIKE A RIFLE SHOT.

Screaming, Arlene flies forward and crashes onto a potato bed, which collapses to the ground under her.

Wendy catches the ball then races across to the hydrophonic garden.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh no!   The potatoes!

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
You are so caring.   You’d better get lost now before mom comes to and kills you.

Arlene starts to moan as she awakens.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Uh-oh, she’s coming to.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — WENDY RAWLINSON
Wendy races across the compound, and past the big boulder, still carrying the alien ball.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Robot, go after Wendy and see she doesn’t get into any more trouble.

ROBOT
If I must.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
You must!

Robot goes CLANKING after Wendy as Trudie stoops to help Arlene back up to her knees.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
That damn Robot is getting more human every day.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — AS BEFORE
With Trudie’s help Arlene stands, then starts rubbing at her head.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
What…?   What happened?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
You tripped and fell on the potato patch.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
(Staring at potato patch in shock.)
Oh no, I’m so sorry.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Here, I’ll help you fix them.

They both bend over and start picking up the debris.

EXT. SANDY AREA PAST BOULDER OUTSIDE CAMP — DAY
Wendy is throwing the alien ball against the side of the giant boulder.

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, then Robot CLANKS around the boulder.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Who’s there…?   Oh Robot, I thought it was mom coming to get me.

ROBOT
Miss Trudie covered for you, telling Arlene Rawlinson she tripped over her own feet.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh good.   Then what are you doing here?

ROBOT
Miss Trudie told me to take care of you.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Does that mean you have to play with me?

ROBOT
I suppose so.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh great.

Wendy throws the alien ball at the Robot.   The Robot raises its claws to catch the ball.   But it hovers a few feet from the Robot, until it lowers its claws.

Then the ball zooms forward, hits the Robot’s glass head and flies back to Wendy who catches it.

WENDY RAWLINSON
What a wonderful new game, isn’t it?

Wendy bounces the ball off the Robot’s glass head and catches it again.

ROBOT (Waving hands round wildly.)
This does not compute!   This does not compute!

WENDY RAWLINSON
Yes, it does, it’s called fun.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — ARLENE RAWLINSON & Trudie Rawlinson working at the hydrophonic garden, while Tom stands talking to them.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE camp then Wendy walks round the boulder into camp, followed by the Robot.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Hello, dear.

The Robot now has dirty round smudges all over his glass head.

TOM RAWLINSON (Pointing.)
Hey, who put those spots all over the Robot’s head?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Not me!

Wendy hides the ball behind her back as Trudie, Arlene, and Tom all turn round to stare at her.

INT. SPACESHIP, TOM RAWLINSON & ARLENE RAWLINSON’S BEDROOM — LIT
Tom is lying on the bed writing in his diary.

TOM RAWLINSON
Another friendly alien was encountered while Wendy and Doctor Poof were out gathering dingleberries…
(Half a beat.)
Er, a type of fruit growing on the planet.

EXT. SANDY TERRAIN — DAY — WENDY RAWLINSON &
DOCTOR POOF picking red berries off two large bushes.

Wendy is holding a metal pail, which is almost full of berries.   Doctor Poof is holding a pail that is nearly empty and is feeding himself with berries.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Doctor Poof you’re supposed to be gathering those for the fruit pies mom is gonna make.   Not eating them.

DOCTOR POOF
Man does not live by work alone.   Besides I’ve only eaten 7983 of them.
(He suddenly grimaces.)
Which is more than enough to last me a lifetime.   Perhaps you’re right, I had better fill the pail, before your mother cuts my nuts off with a carving knife as she threatened to do the last time I ate all the dingleberries.

He picks up his pail and moves toward a third bush but stops when he sees a bedraggled man, OWEN, staring at him!

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Doctor Poof turns and races O/S to LHS of SHOT.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Who…
(Half a beat.)
Who are you?

OWEN
My name is Owen.   I’m a thief.

Owen falls face down onto the sand, unconscious.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — ARLENE RAWLINSON & Trudie Rawlinson attending the hydrophonic garden as Doctor Poof races past the large boulder and into camp.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh the pain, the humanity of it!

ARLENE RAWLINSON
What’s wrong, Doctor Poof?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Did Wendy suggest you do your share of the work?

DOCTOR POOF (Angry.)
How dare you!   Oh poor Wendy, poor Wendy.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Shocked.)
Did something happen to Wendy?

DOCTOR POOF
We were attacked by a vicious alien.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
And you just left her out there?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Come on, Trudie, let’s get the laser-guns.

Arlene and Trudie turn and trot back toward the Gemini.

INT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — TRUDIE RAWLINSON & Arlene Rawlinson race in from outside, head across to the gun cupboard, open it and take out two laser-guns in holster-belts.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Come on, Trudie, we don’t have a second to waste.

The elevator comes up behind them and Wendy steps out.

WENDY RAWLINSON
What’s up, mom?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
We’re going out to rescue Wendy.

Arlene and Trudie race across toward the outside door, then stop, spin round and stare at Wendy.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Shocked.)
Wendy!   Where did you come from?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Downstairs.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Doctor Poof said you were attacked by a savage alien.

Doctor Poof walks in from outside.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh no, nothing like that happened.   But I did meet a new friend, Owen.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Well, where is he now?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Downstairs sleeping in Doctor Poof’s bunk.

DOCTOR POOF
Sleeping in my bunk?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Well, I thought mom’d hit the roof if she found a man sleeping in my bunk.   Whereas we all expect to find men sleeping in your bunk occasionally, Doctor Poof.

DOCTOR POOF
How dare you!

ELEVATOR GROANING as it ascends again.

They all turn round as elevator appears with Owen inside.

DOCTOR POOF (Pointing at Owen.)
There’s the savage monster.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Owen isn’t a monster, Doctor Poof, he’s a thief.

DOCTOR POOF
A thief, bah!   That’s just as bad.

OWEN
Doctor Poof, where I come from thieving isn’t just a profession, it’s an art form.

DOCTOR POOF
An art form, bah!

OWEN
I take it you’re not impressed?   Very well, allow me to demonstrate my art to you.

He takes Doctor Poof by the shoulders and spins him round and round three or four times.

OWEN
You’ve just been robbed by an expert, Doctor Poof.

DOCTOR POOF
You can’t possibly have taken anything from me.

OWEN (Holding up a wristwatch.)
Your watch, I believe, Doctor Poof?

DOCTOR POOF
Anyone could take a little thing like a watch!

Doctor Poof takes the watch and starts walking toward the door to the outside, as he puts the watch back on.

As he walks away we see for the first time that he is naked from the waist down.

OWEN
Oh, Doctor Poof.

Owen holds up a pair of trousers.

Doctor Poof turns to face SHOT again.

Arlene, Trudie, and Wendy throw their hands up to their faces, SCREAM, and race across to the elevator and go down to the lower deck.

Seeing the trousers Doctor Poof looks down at himself.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh, my goodness.

Doctor Poof races over to grab the trousers from Owen.   As Doctor Poof starts putting on the trousers, Owen holds up a pair of white underpants.

OWEN
Oh, Doctor Poof?

DOCTOR POOF
Oh, dear me.

Doctor Poof grabs the underpants and hurriedly puts them on, then puts on the trousers.

DOCTOR POOF
Now get out of this spaceship at once, before I shoot you.

Doctor Poof reaches for his holster but his hand comes up empty.

OWEN (Holding up a laser-pistol.)
Looking for something, Doctor Poof?

DOCTOR POOF
Give me that!
(Doctor Poof snatches the laser-gun and points it at Owen.)
Now just march, you scoundrel!

Owen puts up his hands and heads toward the outside door, with Doctor Poof just behind him.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY, BRIGHT SUNSHINE
beating down as Owen steps out onto the ramp with his hands still up, followed by Doctor Poof.

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Doctor Poof starts hopping about madly and races back inside the spaceship.

PAN DOWN to show Doctor Poof is barefoot.

OWEN
Looking for something, Doctor Poof?

Owen holds up a pair of shoes and socks.

DOCTOR POOF
Give me those!

Owen throws the shoes and socks to Doctor Poof, who drops the laser pistol as he catches the shoes and socks.

DOCTOR POOF (Putting on socks.)
Now get out of here, before I get my dander up!

Grinning broadly, Owen turns and walks away.

DOCTOR POOF
It’s a good thing I wasn’t a virgin…
(Half a beat.)
God knows what he would have taken from me then!

INT. SPACESHIP, TOM RAWLINSON & ARLENE RAWLINSON’S BEDROOM — LIT
Tom is lying on the bed writing in his diary.

TOM RAWLINSON
At least one alien encounter was less than friendly, however, and almost resulted in us all being blown up.

EXT. FOREST — DAY — DOCTOR POOF & BILL RAWLINSON walking along when they are suddenly confronted with a purple ostrich.

BILL RAWLINSON
Oh my God, it’s Big Bird, and I think he’s gone rabid.

Doctor Poof and Bill spin round to flee and come face to face with an alien holding a laser gun.

ALIEN
Ah, enemy spies!

BILL RAWLINSON
No, we’re friendly.   We come from a planet named Earth.

ALIEN
Earth?   Yes, I have heard of it.   A piddling little planet, where greed and avarice rule like gods.

DOCTOR POOF
Yes, that’s the place.

ALIEN
Shut up and follow me.

BILL RAWLINSON
How dare you!   I don’t know how it is on your world but on our planet most people are kind and considerate.

ALIEN (Puzzled.)
Where did you say you came from again?

BILL RAWLINSON
Well, let me put it like this.

He starts HUMMING the Twilight Zone Theme.

ALIEN
Oh, I see, well you are now my prisoners.

DOCTOR POOF
Bill, stop that at once, you belligerent boy scout.

ALIEN
Now pick those up and let us be on our way.

Alien gestures toward an enamel mug and what looks like a large football.

DOCTOR POOF
What is it?

ALIEN
Just refreshments for our journey.   Feel free to help yourself.

DOCTOR POOF
Don’t mind if I do.

He walks over to pick up the “football” and the mug.   Doctor Poof uncorks the football, pours a generous amount into the mug and drinks it.

DOCTOR POOF
Mmmmm, delicious.

ALIEN
Drink as much of it as you like.   But we must get moving.

Alien, Doctor Poof, Bill and purple bird start walking through the forest as Doctor Poof continues to drink from the football.

EXT. FOREST — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER — DOCTOR POOF pours out the last of the liquid and drinks it.

DOCTOR POOF
Mmmm, delicious.   Damn it’s all gone.

BILL RAWLINSON
Then you might as well get rid of the container.

DOCTOR POOF
Yes, indeed, no point carrying this big, heavy thing.

Doctor Poof kicks the football deep into the forest.

EXT. CLEARING IN FOREST — DAY — WENDY RAWLINSON
is walking along, holding hands with a small monkey-like creature, the STOOP, when they see a football flying through the air toward them.

STOOP
Stoop!   Stoop!

WENDY RAWLINSON
Hey look, a football!   I wonder where that came from…?

Football lands at her feet and EXPLODES, hurling Wendy and the Stoop high into the air.

WENDY RAWLINSON (Shouting.)
Doctor Poof, I’ll get you for thiiiiiiiiiis!

At the edge of the clearing stand Doctor Poof and Bill watching.

DOCTOR POOF (Puzzled.)
I wonder how she knew it was me?

BILL RAWLINSON
Who else would be dumb enough to kick an exploding football at her and blow her up?

Wendy leaps up and races over and tries to strangle Doctor Poof.

WENDY RAWLINSON
I’m gonna kill you for that, Doctor Poof.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear, oh dear, but it wasn’t my fault.

Bill pulls Wendy’s hands off Doctor Poof’s neck.

BILL RAWLINSON
It’s true, the alien is responsible.

WENDY RAWLINSON
What alien?

BILL RAWLINSON (Looking around.)
They’ve both gone.

DOCTOR POOF
Good, let’s get out of here.

Doctor Poof turns and races toward LHS of SHOT.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — ARLENE RAWLINSON & Robot working at the hydrophonic garden when Doctor Poof,
Bill, Wendy and the Stoop all race around the big boulder and into the camp.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear, oh dear, we’re under attack from enemy aliens!

ARLENE RAWLINSON
What again?

BILL RAWLINSON
It’s true, the aliens gave Doctor Poof this beverage to drink and when he kicked the canister away it exploded.

WENDY RAWLINSON
And blew up me and the Stoop.

ROBOT
The cup please, Doctor Poof.

Robot takes the enamel cup and stares into it.

BILL RAWLINSON
Can the beverage hurt Doctor Poof?

ROBOT
There is a very real chance Doctor Poof could explode.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Yes, he does have a bit of a temper.

ROBOT
No, no, I meant that he could blow-up and splatter his guts everywhere.   Doctor Poof is now a walking time bomb!

WENDY RAWLINSON
Thank God for that.   I was worried for a minute there.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — EVENING — DOCTOR POOF
is bedding down for the night in front of the boulder outside camp, while Arlene, Wendy, Bill, and Tom prepare for bed.

TOM RAWLINSON (Grabbing her ass.)
Time for bed, cutie.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
You go in, I’ll be in soon, I just want to wait up for Trudie.

TOM RAWLINSON
I’m sure she’s all right; Trudie is a big girl now.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
That’s what I’m afraid of.

Tom, Wendy, and Bill head into the spaceship.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — NIGHT — A FEW HOURS LATER
Arlene is still outside waiting for Trudie, when there are FOOTSTEPS in the distance, then Trudie walks around the boulder and walks up to the spaceship.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Mom, what are you doing still up?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Trudie!   Do you know what time it is?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Looking at wristwatch.)
Three minutes past one…
(Half a beat.)
Why has the big clock inside the Gemini broken down again?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Trudie, what were you doing at this hour?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Raising voice.)
Just walking, mother, I’m not a kid anymore.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Well, whatever you were doing, don’t do it anymore!

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Okay, mom, I’ll make a note of it.
(Taking a notepad and pen from her trousers and writing in notepad.)
Don’t…
(Half a beat.)
Fuck with Lon…
(Half a beat.)
Outside at night…
(Half a beat.)
Anymore.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
What was that!

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Uh-oh!

She drops the pad and pen and races into the Gemini 13.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Come back here, you cowardess.

Arlene races into the spaceship after Trudie.

A few moments later, Bill sneaks out of the Gemini and looks about furtively.   Seeing no one is about, he steps outside and walks across to Doctor Poof.

BILL RAWLINSON
(Shaking Doctor Poof by the shoulder.)
Doctor Poof, wake up!

DOCTOR POOF
What…?   What is it?   Bill, what do you want, dear boy?

BILL RAWLINSON
I just came to keep you company.

Doctor Poof pulls aside his blankets and smiles lecherously.

DOCTOR POOF
Climb in, dear boy!

BILL RAWLINSON
No, no, I just meant company, nothing else.

Doctor Poof pulls up the blankets again.

BILL RAWLINSON
Is there anything I can do for you, Doctor Poof?
(Doctor Poof pulls aside the blankets.)
Apart from that, I mean.

Doctor Poof pulls up the blankets again.

DOCTOR POOF
Damn you, you young tease.   The only other thing I need is a way to neutralise the explosives in my stomach.

BILL RAWLINSON
Have you tried bicarb?

DOCTOR POOF
No, I meant the exploding beverage.

BILL RAWLINSON
Oh, I see.   Well, I guess the alien would have that.

DOCTOR POOF
Yes, he would, wouldn’t he.   I don’t suppose you’d be a dear boy and go and get it from him?

BILL RAWLINSON
Sure, why not?   Anything would be better than getting under the blankets with you.

Bill stands up and races around the big boulder.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — NIGHT — AN HOUR LATER
Robot exits the spaceship carrying some dynamite and a blasting plunger, and CLANKS across to Doctor Poof.   After a while Doctor Poof starts SNORING loudly.

ROBOT
Sound asleep, maybe it is best that way!

The Robot puts down the plunger.   Holding up a large clip in each of its claws, the Robot reaches down between Doctor Poof’s legs and clips one clip to one testicle, then swivels and clips the second clip to Doctor Poof’s second testicle.

DOCTOR POOF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
(Leaping to a sitting position.)
What do you think you’re doing?

ROBOT
Taking care of the danger of you exploding.

DOCTOR POOF
But it hurts.   Oh it hurts so!

ROBOT
Just relax, Doctor Poof, and the pain will soon be over.

DOCTOR POOF
Thank God, well just get on with it.

ROBOT
Mine is to obey, oh master.

The ROBOT CLANKS over to the plunger, picks it up and goes to press it.

DOCTOR POOF
What are you doing now you lumbering lounge lizard?

ROBOT
The only thing I can do…
(Half a beat.)
To protect the Rawlinsons.
(He starts to depress the plunger.)

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS and Bill races around the boulder.

BILL RAWLINSON
No, wait, stop, I managed to get the neutraliser from the alien.

ROBOT puts down the plunger and CLANKS across to Bill.

ROBOT
Very good, Bill Rawlinson.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Wendy races out of the Gemini 13.

She stops on the ramp for a moment, looking around.   Seeing Doctor Poof and the others, Wendy races across toward the large boulder.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Bill, mom wants to know if you’re out here.

Wendy stops when she sees the plunger.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Hey what is this?

Wendy picks up the plunger and presses it.

GREAT EXPLOSION and Doctor Poof, Bill and the ROBOT
are all sent flying up into the air.

Bill crash lands first.   A few seconds later Doctor Poof lands near Bill.

Finally the ROBOT CRASHES down on top of Doctor Poof.

BILL RAWLINSON (Climbing to his feet.)
Well, I guess you won’t be needing the neutraliser now.

DOCTOR POOF
I’m going to murder you, you little bitch!

WENDY RAWLINSON
Yeah, you and what army of surgeons!

Doctor Poof tries to climb out from under the ROBOT, but can’t.

DOCTOR POOF
Just as soon as I learn how to walk again.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Well, it pays you back for blowing up me and the Stoop earlier.

Wendy turns and heads back toward the Gemini.

Looking round Bill sees the enamel mug, which Doctor Poof drank the explosive out of on a table nearby.

Bill races across, picks up the mug and hurls it at Wendy.

GREAT EXPLOSION & Wendy is sent flying up into the air.

WENDY RAWLINSON (Shouting.)
Oh no, not agaaaaaaaaaaain!

Wendy crashes back down to Earth.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Tom, Lon, Arlene, and Trudie come running out of the spaceship, as Wendy climbs to her feet again.

TOM RAWLINSON
What’s going on here?   We heard explosions.

WENDY RAWLINSON
It’s Doctor Poof.   He blew up the ROBOT.

She points to the wreck of the ROBOT and they stare at it in amazement.

TOM RAWLINSON
Doctor Poof, don’t you have any responsibility at all?   That is a very expensive piece of machinery.

BILL RAWLINSON
But it wasn’t him, dad.   Wendy did it, honest.

TOM RAWLINSON
Don’t lie to cover for him, Bill.   We all know how close you are to Doctor Poof…
(Half a beat.)
In fact your mother and I are a little concerned about how close you two seem to be.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
We have considered cutting off Doctor Poof’s balls just to be on the safe side.

WENDY RAWLINSON
I’ll go get the scissors.

Wendy races into the Gemini 13.

TOM RAWLINSON
This is the limit, Doctor Poof, from tomorrow you are banished from our camp.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — EARLY THE NEXT MORNING
Lon and Tom are just finishing repairing the ROBOT as Bill helps Doctor Poof to pack up all his things.

Lon and Tom reattach the Robot’s head and click a switch.   The ROBOT starts twisting his upper body from side to side, testing his bearings.

LON EAST
There, as good as new…
(Half a beat.)
Almost.

DOCTOR POOF
Then there’s really no need to exile me from this happy little band, is there?

TOM RAWLINSON
Doctor Poof just remember that you’re still a stowaway aboard the Gemini 13.   As mission commander I could have you clapped in irons and fed nothing but hard tack and water.

Lon and Tom turn and start toward the spaceship.

LON EAST
That outranks you, Doctor Poof!

Doctor Poof salutes then walks across to the ROBOT.

DOCTOR POOF
Just remember that I outrank you, you motorised moron.

ROBOT (Saluting.)
Sir!

Doctor Poof and Bill pick up Doctor Poof’s possessions and walk out of camp past the big boulder.

The Stoop walks out of the Gemini and walks up to the ROBOT.

ROBOT
Just remember that I outrank you, Stoop!

The Stoop fingers its nose at ROBOT and walks past him.

The ROBOT aims its claws at the Stoop and fires out an electrical charge, which shocks the Stoop.

STOOP
Eeeeeeeeeeek!

The Stoop leaps into the air, then when it comes down it spins round to face the ROBOT and snaps to attention, saluting.

ROBOT (Pointing at Gemini 13.)
Now quick march.

The Stoop starts marching toward the spaceship with the ROBOT just behind it.

ROBOT
Hup!   Hup!   Hup, two, three, four!   Hup!   Hup!   Hup, two, three, four!

EXT. OPEN TERRAIN — DAY — DOCTOR POOF &
Bill Rawlinson walking along carrying Doctor Poof’s possessions.

DOCTOR POOF
What about here?

BILL RAWLINSON
No good, it’s in a hollow.   If it rains you’ll be flooded out.

Doctor Poof and Bill walk on.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN, NEAR CAVE MOUTHS — DAY

DOCTOR POOF
What about in one of these caves?

BILL RAWLINSON
Uh-uh, there are some ferocious animals on this planet.   Who knows what may be lurking in those caves.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear, perhaps you’re right.

Doctor Poof and Bill walk on again.

EXT. OPEN TERRAIN, NEAR WRECKED SPACECRAFT — DAY

BILL RAWLINSON
Hey look, the remains of an alien spaceship.

DOCTOR POOF
Very interesting, but we’re supposed to be finding me a camp.

BILL RAWLINSON
What about right here?   I’ll help you to get it cleaned up.

Doctor Poof and Bill walk over and start trying to tidy up, picking things up and collecting up twigs and leaves to toss out.

Bill pushes the dust off an old wooden table.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh look out, Bill, I’ve just cleaned there.

BILL RAWLINSON
I thought if we cleaned the tabletop, we could start stacking things on it.   And make it easier to clean the floor.

Bill starts picking up various odds and sods, blowing the dust off them, then putting them on the table.

Doctor Poof bursts out into furious coughing for a moment.

DOCTOR POOF
Bill, really, try not to blow up so much dust.

BILL RAWLINSON
Sorry, Doctor Poof.

Bill keeps picking up, blowing off then putting on the table various objects, till finding what looks like a red, metallic, pointed hat.

BILL RAWLINSON (Putting on the hat.)
Hey, look at this.

DOCTOR POOF
Bah, who needs a hat?   What we need is a heavy-duty vacuum cleaner that runs on solar power.

BILL RAWLINSON
Yeah, that sure would come in handy.
(A heavy-duty vacuum cleaner with solar cells appears in front of Bill.)
You mean like this one, Doctor Poof?

DOCTOR POOF (Looking around and seeing it.)
Yes, exactly like that one, clever lad.

Doctor Poof turns on the vacuum cleaner and starts cleaning up the spaceship.

EXT. WRECKED SPACECRAFT — DAY — DOCTOR POOF
has just finished vacuuming and the spaceship is now spotless.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh my heart, my poor heart, that vacuuming is so strenuous.
(He turns off the vacuum cleaner, then looks puzzled.)
Wait a second, where did that vacuum cleaner come from?

BILL RAWLINSON
I put on this helmet and thought about a vacuum cleaner and it just appeared out of nowhere.

DOCTOR POOF
Really?   Well, try it again.   Only this time try to think of something else.   Something that you’d really like to use.

Bill shuts his eyes and concentrates hard.

After a second a blonde in a skimpy bikini appears.

DOCTOR POOF
Very good, dear boy, but I think you’re still much too young to use her…
(Half a beat.)
And I’m afraid I’m much too gay.   Think of something to eat, dear boy, I’m ravenous.

Bill concentrates hard and they are bombarded by red apples falling from the sky.

INT. GEMINI 13, LOWER DECK — LIT — DINING ROOM
Lon and the Rawlinsons are just finishing up their supper for the night.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Mom, is there any desert?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Yes, honey.   Perhaps you’d like to do the honours, Bill?

Arlene picks up a covered tray and puts it onto the table near Bill.

Bill lifts the cover and stares at six red apples.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON
Red apples!   Where did they come from?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
We found them while dusting Bill’s room.

BILL RAWLINSON
Uh-oh, sprung badly.

Bill leaps to his feet and races across toward the ladder shaft and races up toward the top deck.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — EARLY THE NEXT MORNING
Arlene, Trudie, and Wendy are working at the hydrophonic garden.   Lon is fixing a consul taken from the spaceship on a table on the LHS just outside the spaceship’s ramp.

Bill and Doctor Poof tentatively walk into the camp around the boulder.

LON EAST
Doctor Poof, I thought we banished you?

DOCTOR POOF
But you’ll soon unbanish me when you see what I have here.
(Putting thought-helmet on his head.)

LON EAST
A new hat?   It suits you, Doctor Poof.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Puzzled.)
But it makes him look like the village idiot?

LON EAST
That’s what I meant.

DOCTOR POOF
This should silence your poisonous snipes, Major.

Doctor Poof shuts his eyes and concentrates hard and a long length of four-by-four appears in his hands.

Doctor Poof walks over and belts Lon over the head with the four-by-four.

With a grunt Lon collapses.

DOCTOR POOF
I told him that would silence him.

Trudie and Wendy race across to Doctor Poof and Lon.   Trudie kneels and starts trying to revive Lon.

WENDY RAWLINSON
That was wonderful, Doctor Poof.   How did you do it?

DOCTOR POOF
With this alien thought-helmet.   I just have to think of something and it appears from nowhere.

BILL RAWLINSON
Doctor Poof is gonna think up another Gemini 13 and take us all back to Earth.

Doctor Poof shuts his eyes and concentrates hard.   There is a great puff of smoke and when it clears, there is a large model of the Gemini 13 on the ground.

DOCTOR POOF
Damn, it must have limitations on what it can produce.

WENDY RAWLINSON (Picking up model Gemini 13.)
This is neat.   Can I have it to play with?

DOCTOR POOF (Waving a hand dismissively.)
Feel free, dear girl, feel free.

Doctor Poof turns his back and starts to walk away.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Hey, I just thought up a great new game.

Wendy hurls the model Gemini so it hits the back of Doctor Poof’s head and rebounds so she can catch it.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh no!   No, not again!

He races toward the boulder leading out of camp.

Wendy races after Doctor Poof and Frisbees the model Gemini 13 off his head again and catches it again.

EXT. PAST THE LARGE BOULDER — DAY — DOCTOR POOF
races around the boulder with Wendy in hot pursuit.

Wendy winds back her arm to throw the model again at Doctor Poof, but stops when the ROBOT CLANKS into sight.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Hey, the ROBOT, I just made up a great new game.

Wendy Frisbees the model Gemini 13 at the ROBOT.

It hits the Robot’s glass head, which shatters on impact.

ROBOT (Waving hands round wildly.)
This does not compute!   This does not compute!

WENDY RAWLINSON
Uh-oh!   Something tells me I’d better get out of here.

As the ROBOT collapses powerless, Wendy turns and runs away.

EXT. PAST THE LARGE BOULDER — DAY — LATER —
ROBOT is still lying inactive as Bill and Tom walk by.

They run up to it and stare at the model Gemini 13 sticking out of the Robot’s smashed glass head.

Tom carefully takes the model spaceship from the Robot’s head.

TOM RAWLINSON
Where did this come from?

BILL RAWLINSON
Doctor Poof willed it into existence with that new thought-helmet I told you about.

Wendy walks into SHOT from LHS and approaches them.

TOM RAWLINSON (Angry.)
Doctor Poof ought to know better than to damage an expensive piece of equipment like the ROBOT.

WENDY RAWLINSON
I guess Doctor Poof is just a child at heart, daddy.

TOM RAWLINSON (Pointing at ROBOT.)
No child would do anything this destructive.   You wouldn’t, would you, honey?

WENDY RAWLINSON (Shaking head.)
Oh no, daddy.

BILL RAWLINSON
She can sound so sincere when she wants to.

INT. GEMINI 13, LOWER DECK — LIT — LIVING ROOM
Wendy and Bill sitting on the sofa, both have hold of the thought-helmet and are trying to pull it out of the other’s hands.

BILL RAWLINSON
Let go, it’s my turn to use the thought-helmet.

WENDY RAWLINSON
No, it’s my turn to use the thought-helmet.

BILL RAWLINSON
Is not, it’s my turn.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Then let’s ask daddy whose turn it is.

BILL RAWLINSON (Standing.)
Okay, I’ll go ask him.

WENDY RAWLINSON
And I’ll stay here with the thought-helmet.

BILL RAWLINSON
You won’t use it while I’m gone, will you?

WENDY RAWLINSON (Sincerely.)
No, of course not, that would be cheating.

BILL RAWLINSON
Well, all right then.

Bill walks out through the doorway, then FOOTSTEPS RETREATING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

Wendy puts the thought-helmet on her head and shuts her eyes tight.

WENDY RAWLINSON
I’d like about a million heavy-metal CDs.

CDs start raining down from the ceiling.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — TOM RAWLINSON,
Arlene Rawlinson & Bill Rawlinson are sitting together at a workbench near LHS of ramp.

BILL RAWLINSON (Indignant.)
Wendy stole my turn with the thought-helmet.

TOM RAWLINSON
And how do you think I should punish her?

BILL RAWLINSON
You could whip her bare ass with your belt.

TOM RAWLINSON
Or she could lose her next two turns with the thought-helmet?

BILL RAWLINSON (With feeling.)
No, I’d prefer you to whip her bare ass with your belt.

FOOTSTEPS then Wendy walks down the ramp from the spaceship wearing a portable CD-player and headphones.

BILL RAWLINSON (Pointing at Wendy.)
There she is now!
(Jumping up/Shouting.)
Jezebel!   Viper at my bosom!

TOM RAWLINSON
Bill, please, allow me to handle this.

BILL RAWLINSON
Okay, but you’d better get your belt off.

TOM RAWLINSON
I won’t be whipping her bare ass.

BILL RAWLINSON
Darn it!

Bill turns and storms past Wendy to enter the Gemini.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Wendy, come over here a minute, honey.

Wendy trots across to the workbench.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
We hear you’ve got some new CDs?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Yeah, they’re great.

TOM RAWLINSON
Have you got any by deceit, dishonesty, deviousness?

WENDY RAWLINSON (Enthusiastic.)
Oh yeah, they’re my favourite group.

Wendy holds up a CD case, which says, “DECEIT,
DISHONESTY, DEVIOUSNESS’S GREATEST HITS”.

TOM RAWLINSON (Frustrated.)
It’s very hard to be sarcastic when you’re talking to a heavy-metal fan.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Especially their latest hit, “Lie, Cheat, Steal”.
(Singing.)
“Lie, cheat, steal, man it’s sure unreal.  Lie, cheat, steal, we’re gonna cop a feel.   Lie, cheat, stumble, man let’s have a rumble.   Lie, cheat, stumble, we’re gonna cop a fumble.   Lie, cheat, hope….”

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Shouting.)
Wendy!   That’s quite enough of that!

WENDY RAWLINSON (Puzzled.)
So you don’t want to hear the verse that starts, “Lie, cheat, steal, in great big cities”?

TOM RAWLINSON/ARLENE RAWLINSON (Shouting.)
No!

Wendy shrugs, turns and walks away.

INT. LOWER DECK, DINING ROOM — LIT — ARLENE RAWLINSON and Tom looking at a bowl of rotten fruit.

TOM RAWLINSON
What happened?   Did the freezer unit stop again?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
No, it’s working perfectly.   This is all food conjured up through the thought-helmet.

TOM RAWLINSON
I’ve always said you can’t get anything good for nothing.

FOOTSTEPS O/S then Trudie walks in dressed in tatters.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Almost crying.)
Oh, daddy, just look at me.

TOM RAWLINSON (Puzzled.)
That’s a new look for you, isn’t it, honey?

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Indignant.)
Dad!   It’s my new dress from the thought-helmet.   It just fell apart suddenly.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
And you said men don’t notice how we dress.

FOOTSTEPS O/S then Doctor Poof walks in.

DOCTOR POOF (To Trudie.)
Ah, my dear girl, what a lovely new dress.

Trudie bursts into tears and races out of the room.

DOCTOR POOF (Puzzled.)
Was it something I said?

TOM RAWLINSON
No, but it was something you did.

DOCTOR POOF (Shocked.)
Bill is a liar, I never touched him…
(Half a beat.)
Okay, so I may have sung a few verses of “Climb Up On My Knee Sonny Boy” clutching my groin obscenely while I sung it, when I was in bed one night…
(Half a beat.)
But it was all good, clean fun.   Nothing happened between us, we’re just good friends!

Arlene and Tom exchange a shocked look.

TOM RAWLINSON
No, I meant bringing that damn thought-helmet into our lives…
(Half a beat.)
I want you to get rid of it this very moment.

DOCTOR POOF (Frustrated.)
Oh very well, in some ways it is more curse than help.

EXT. SANDY TERRAIN — DAY — DOCTOR POOF &
Wendy Rawlinson walking along, Wendy carrying the thought-helmet.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Are you going to take the thought-helmet back to that wrecked spaceship you used to live in, Doctor Poof?

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear me, no, my poor back couldn’t stand to walk all that way.   Not in this heat.   No we’ll just throw it into the bottomless marsh.   No one will ever see it again.

They stop at a slightly lower patch of sand.   Doctor Poof tosses the thought-helmet ahead of him and it starts slowly sinking out of sight.

DOCTOR POOF
Good, that’s the last we’ll ever see of that.   Now let’s get back to camp.   I’m absolutely famished.

INT./EXT. GEMINI 13, FLIGHT DECK/OUTSIDE THROUGH
WINDOW — LIT — DOCTOR POOF, LON EAST, and the Rawlinsons standing at the window looking out.

TIGER-LIKE ROARING O/S, then a hideous alien comes into sight from around the boulder at the edge of camp.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Oh my God!

Tom and Lon race across to the gun cupboard, take out laser-pistol belts, strap on the belts and withdraw the pistols.

TOM RAWLINSON
Okay, let’s go see what it wants.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — TOM RAWLINSON,
LON EAST, & Arlene step out onto the ramp as the alien reaches the hydrophonic garden.

ALIEN stops and stretches its arms toward them as though asking for something.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
It seems to want something, but I wonder what?

LON EAST
I think it wants the thought-helmet.   It must be its property.

TOM RAWLINSON (Shouting.)
Doctor Poof, get out here at once!

Doctor Poof tentatively steps out onto the ramp, followed by Trudie, Bill, and Wendy.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh dear, what a hideous looking alien.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
It wants the thought-helmet, Doctor Poof.

TOM RAWLINSON
I want you to take it to wherever you took the helmet.

DOCTOR POOF
Oh no, it’ll kill us all.

He turns and races back into the Gemini 13.

BILL RAWLINSON
Doctor Poof is a real hero-type…
(Half a beat.)
As cowards go.

WENDY RAWLINSON
I know where the thought-helmet is, daddy.

ARLENE RAWLINSON (Shocked.)
Tom, you can’t let her go off with that hideous creature.

BILL RAWLINSON
I’ll go with her, dad.

TOM RAWLINSON
Very well.

Bill and Wendy walk down the ramp toward the alien.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Please come with us, we will take you to the thought-helmet.

Looking pleased, the alien follows them.

EXT. SANDY TERRAIN — DAY — BILL RAWLINSON,
Wendy & Alien walking along, near the bottomless marsh.

BILL RAWLINSON
Hey, wait a second, isn’t this the bot…?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Shush, Bill.
(Pointing at bottomless marsh.)
The thought-helmet is buried just beneath that sand.

Growling in pleasure, the alien walks out into the bottomless marsh.

After a moment Alien starts thrashing about and screaming as it rapidly sinks into the marsh.   It tries to walk out again, but is sinking too fast and soon sinks out of sight.

WENDY RAWLINSON
Well, that takes care of him.   Okay, let’s go back to camp.

She turns and starts skipping back to camp while Bill stares after her.

EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP — DAY — ARLENE RAWLINSON,
Trudie, Lon, Doctor Poof and Tom waiting by the ramp.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Where can they be?   We should never have let them go off alone with that hideous-looking alien.

TOM RAWLINSON
If they’re not back soon Lon and I will go looking for them.

FOOTSTEPS then Wendy comes skipping into sight around the boulder, followed by Bill.

TRUDIE RAWLINSON (Pointing.)
Look, here they come now.

TOM RAWLINSON
Did you take that alien to the thought-helmet, honey?

WENDY RAWLINSON
Oh yes, I took care of him.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Good, because I’d hate to have him come back here.

WENDY RAWLINSON (Shaking head.)
There’s no chance of him ever coming back.

BILL RAWLINSON
Trust her, she knows what she’s talking about.

DOCTOR POOF
Why oh why must we be continuously plagued by all these troublesome aliens?

ARLENE RAWLINSON
So we’ve encountered a few aliens, Doctor Poof.   After all this planet isn’t private property, you know.

DOCTOR POOF
Yes, of course, why didn’t I think of that.

Doctor Poof turns and races back into the spaceship.

After a few moments Doctor Poof reappears from the spaceship, now carrying a number of signs.

DOCTOR POOF
I should have thought of this when we first landed.

ARLENE RAWLINSON
Thought of what, Doctor Poof?

DOCTOR POOF
Putting up private property signs to keep away the hostile aliens.

EXT. FOREST — DAY — BILL RAWLINSON & ROBOT
walking through the forest when they come to a marble monument on which is sleeping a beautiful girl of about ten or eleven.

TOM RAWLINSON V/O
Our next encounter with an alien started off harmlessly enough.

BILL RAWLINSON (Pointing at Girl.)
Hey look, some dweebess has flaked on a stone bench.

ROBOT
This reminds me of that story Doctor Poof programmed into my memory banks, “Sleeping Rooty”.

BILL RAWLINSON
What should we do?

ROBOT
You must kiss the girl, Bill Rawlinson.

BILL RAWLINSON (Shocked.)
What?

ROBOT
You must kiss the girl or she will not awaken.

BILL RAWLINSON (Waving hand dismissively.)
Let her sleep.   She can use the beauty rest.

ROBOT (Insistent.)
You must kiss the girl!

BILL RAWLINSON
Okay, nag!   Nag!   Nag!   Anyone would think we were married.   Just because I lubed his rusty joints once.

Bill climbs on top of the stone bed, pulls down his trousers and starts thrusting away on top of the girl.

ROBOT
No, no, Bill Rawlinson, just kiss the bitch.

BILL RAWLINSON
Oh, all right.

Bill pulls up his trousers and kisses the girl who wakes up.

GIRL
Who are you?

BILL RAWLINSON
Bill Rawlinson.

GIRL
Did you kiss me and awaken me?

BILL RAWLINSON (Matter-of-factly.)
Yeah, I guess I did.

GIRL reaches between her legs with one hand, then raises the hand and looks at it.

GIRL
And did you try to bonk me first?

BILL RAWLINSON (Matter-of-factly.)
Yeah, I guess I did.

GIRL
They always do that.

BILL RAWLINSON
It was an honest mistake…
(Half a beat.)
When the Robot said, “Kiss the girl,” I thought he said jump her bones!

Robot & Girl are both glaring at him in disbelief.

BILL RAWLINSON
Okay, okay here’s the truth…
(Half a beat.)
I thought he said, “Pluck that young and juicy cherry.”

ROBOT
You are both a liar and a dirty old man Bill Rawlinson!

BILL RAWLINSON
Old?   How dare you, I’m only thirteen!

ROBOT
My apologies, Bill Rawlinson.   You are both a liar and a dirty young man.