DAGMAN

BORSE

MUGGSY

DAVE CURTIS: White cop

WINSTON MARTIN: Black cop

WOMAN STANDING IN ROAD

CAR DRIVER

CHECK-OUT MAN

1ST ROBBER: Rob

2ND ROBBER

3RD ROBBER

4TH ROBBER

5TH ROBBER

VOICE OF WOMAN ON RADIO

FAT MATRON

BLACK NURSE

1ST MALE ORDERLY

2ND MALE ORDERLY

MYRTLE: Old Woman

FRED: Old Man

2ND ELDERLY WOMAN

POLICE LIEUTENANT

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN: Policewoman

1ST ELDERLY WOMAN

2ND ELDERLY WOMAN

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT

JEFF NOONER

BENJAMIN BARTLET: Black cop; Metro Cop

PETER WONG: Metro Cop

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS: Metro Cop

SILVIO FERRANTINO: Metro Cop

WENDY HENNEQUIN: Brunette; Metro Cop

LIZ ECKHARDT: Blonde; Metro Cop

SUZIE JAKUZI: Japanese-born Metro Cop

MICHAEL McKHYBER: Metro Cop

BLONDE DOING PILLOW AD.

CHINESE MAN

FEMALE VOICE OVER MIKE

MARLON-BRANDO LOOK-ALIKE

WAITER

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI

1ST GANGSTER

2ND GANGSTER

3RD GANGSTER

4TH GANGSTER

5TH GANGSTER

6TH GANGSTER

NARRATOR V/O

FARMER

AMI: Farmer’s Wife

COREY: 1st Male Soldier

BOBBY: 2nd Male Soldier

HEIDI: 1st Female Soldier

GINA: 2nd Female Soldier

1ST POLICE SERGEANT

2ND POLICE SERGEANT

DOG

COW

BULL

WOMAN IN FOREST

FEMALE JUDGE

1ST DEFENCE ATTORNEY

DAVE CURTIS’S DEFENCE ATTORNEY

RONALD JOSEPH BLOGGS: Man beheaded

DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Mr Boggins

AXEMAN

DISC JOCKEY

ROD STERLING: Rod Serling Look-Alike

1ST COP

2ND COP

DAVE CURTIS’S MOTHER

PRIEST IN AUDIENCE

BAILIFF

1ST MALE VILLAGER

1ST FEMALE VILLAGER

RING MISTRESS

SPEAKING CLOCK

SLEAZE-BAG SICKO

NUN

1ST BLACK YOUTH

2ND BLACK YOUTH

EXTRAS
people in EZ-Mart; extra cops at station; audience at TV studio; audience in court; people in corridors and foyer area in court; pedestrians passing court building; villagers chasing Dave Curtis; jugglers & clowns etc. in court; children in wooden box;

INTERIOR SETS
WAREHOUSE WITH SKYLIGHT

SQUAD CAR

HOSPITAL
— reception area
— corridor near elevator

EZ-MART

LAUNDROMAT

POLICE STATION
— Lieutenant’s office
— corridor outside Lieutenant’s office

BRIEFING ROOM

ATTIC

FILM STUDIO

RESTAURANT

BATTERY HEN SHED

SUPERMARKET

APARTMENT
— corridor
— bathroom

DAVE CURTIS’ LIVING ROOM

POLICE STATION
— reception area
— interrogation room

U.S. COURT BUILDING
— court room
— corridor outside courtroom
— 1st floor of court building

OPEN FIELD

WAREHOUSE BY DOCKS

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
ALLEY

CROSS STREET

STREET OUTSIDE HOSPITAL & LAUNDROMAT

CAR PARK

STREET OUTSIDE CAFE

STREET OUTSIDE LARGE BUILDING

LIVESTOCK FARM

FOREST NEAR FARM

HIGHWAY RUNNING PAST FARM

STREET OUTSIDE SUPERMARKET

STREET OUTSIDE APARTMENT BLOCK

FOREST

BULL PADDOCK

U.S. COURT BUILDING

EXECUTION YARD

WAREHOUSE BY DOCKS

BUSY STREET

TEASER:

FADE IN:
INT. WAREHOUSE — NIGHT
Half-a-dozen masked hoodlums are carrying boxes over to a small doorway, handing them to hoodlums, who take them outside.   Two hoodlums, obviously the bosses, are standing round watching them.

MUGGSY
How’s it goin’, Borse?

BORSE
Not too bad Muggsy, we orta be finished clearin’ da warehouse in anudder ten minutes and still no sign of the cops or Dagman.

MUGGSY (Shivering from fright.)
Don’t mention dat name, Borse.   You know how Dagman scares me.

BORSE
Ha, ha, ya big baby.   Dagman’s just a big fag….

EXPLOSION above them.

The hoodlums drop their boxes, some of which make glass-like SHATTERING SOUNDS.

They all look up as a rope drops from the skylight and Dagman slides down the rope in seconds.

Dagman is dressed in a Batman-like costume, but with a big red letter “D” in the emblem

DAGMAN
Your evil warehouse raiding days are over, Borse.   Prepare to be taken into custody.

MUGGSY
Gee, I didn’t tink anybody talked like dat anymore.

BORSE
Who are you anyway?

DAGMAN
Don’t you recognise me?   I’m Dagman!

All the hoodlums look terrified.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s Adam West!

DAGMAN (Annoyed.)
No, no, I’m not Adam West.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s Michael Keaton!

DAGMAN (Annoyed.)
No, no, I’m not Michael Keaton.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s Val Kilmer!

DAGMAN (Annoyed.)
No, no, I’m not Val Kilmer either.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s George Clooney!

DAGMAN (Annoyed.)
No, no, I’m not George Clooney.

BORSE (Puzzled.)
Den who da hell are yus?

DAGMAN
I’m the latest Dagman.

ALL HOODLUMS
Oh…
(Half a beat.)
Yer da latest Dagman.

BORSE
Okay, boice, let’s pulverise him.

They all start running toward him.

DAGMAN (Terrified.)
No, no, I was only kidding.   I really am Adam West…
(Half a beat.)
Michael Keaton…
(Half a beat.)
Val Kilmer…
(Half a beat.)
George Clooney.

The gangsters stop and stare at him in terror.

ALL HOODLUMS (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney!

The hoodlums turn and run toward the warehouse door.

DAGMAN
Phew, that was a close one…
(Half a beat.)
It’s hard to get any respect when you’re just the latest Dagman!

FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
EXT. ALLEY — NIGHT
The alley is grimy and half choked with overflowing rubbish bins.

Part way down the alley is a black-and-white squad car in the shadows.   Suddenly the light goes on in the cabin of the squad car.

INT./EXT. INSIDE SQUAD CAR/ALLEY — NIGHT
A white cop, DAVE CURTIS, is sitting behind the steering wheel, a black cop,

WINSTON MARTIN, is sitting beside him.   Dave has just turned on the overhead light.

Dave Curtis is a bit of a loser, dangerously incompetent, and famously unsuccessful with women.

Winston Martin is fresh out of the Academy, a bit of a bumbler, but decidedly more successful with women.

They are both eating hamburgers and fries.

DAVE CURTIS
That’s more like it.   Now we can see what we’re eating.

WINSTON MARTIN
Yeah, I don’t mind having maggots and dead cockroaches in my burger.   Just so long as I can see ‘em while I’m eating ‘em.

Dave stares at Winston for a second.

Dave stares down at his own burger for a moment, then reaches up and turns off the overhead light again.

INT. SQUAD CAR — NIGHT — TEN MINUTES LATER
The two cops have just finished eating.

They wipe their faces on the bags, and then throw the bags out the car windows.

WINSTON MARTIN (Reluctant.)
Well, I suppose we’d better get back to work?

DAVE CURTIS
Yeah, I suppose so.   Do you wanna drive, or will I?

WINSTON MARTIN
Well, since you’re sitting behind the wheel, it might be easier if you drive.

Dave looks down and seems astonished to see the steering wheel in front of him.

DAVE CURTIS
Oh yeah, I guess so.

EXT. ALLEY IN FRONT OF SQUAD CAR — NIGHT
Squad car starts up and races forward, crashing into a pile of garbage cans which scatter every which way, sending garbage flying everywhere.

Squad car races round the corner, scraping paint off RHS of squad car against the alley wall.

EXT. CROSS STREET — NIGHT
Squad car races round the corner and roars down the street, less than a foot from the parked cars.

A few blocks away a car door suddenly opens, and a middle-aged woman steps out and stands in front of the open door with the squad car racing toward her.

WOMAN
God, what a time to be getting home.

She slams the car door and starts to cross the road, then suddenly stops.

WOMAN
Oh Jesus, I forgot Robbie’s birthday present.

She unlocks the car door again and leans into the car to search for the present.

WOMAN
Now where the hell is that damn thing?

She is standing half in, half out of the car as the squad car roars toward her.

WOMAN
Where the hell is the bloody bastard?

The squad car is only metres from the car door now.

WOMAN
Ah, there it is.

She steps completely into the car again to pick up the package, which is on the floor by the passenger side door.

EXPLOSION, THEN GRINDING METAL, as the squad car races past tearing off the car door.

WOMAN
What the bloody hell?

She steps out of the car and stares in disbelief at the jagged gap where her door used to be.

Standing in the middle of the road she starts shaking her fist in anger at the retreating squad car.

WOMAN (Shouting.)
Come back here you fuckin’ maniacs!

In b/g a car is racing down the road behind her.

WOMAN
They orta lock up morons like you for life!

In b/g car is fast approaching her.

WOMAN (Shaking her fist again/Shouting.)
Man-driver!

SCREECHING BRAKES as the car behind her starts braking furiously.

The car slides to a halt only centimetres behind her.

WOMAN
Jesus, why don’t people watch where they’re go…?

As she speaks, she turns round, takes a step, and crashes headfirst into the hood of the car.

The car door opens and the driver steps half out.

DRIVER
Sorry, lady, but you were just standing there, in the middle of the road.

She starts hammering her fists on the hood of the car in anger, still screaming in rage.

DRIVER
Hey, lady, watch out for the hood, please.

She starts jumping up and down on the bumper bar, still screaming in rage.

DRIVER
Hey, lady, watch out for the bumper, I’ve just had it re-chromed.

She climbs up onto the hood and starts jumping up and down, still screaming shrilly.

Her high heels are punching small holes through the hood.

DRIVER
Jesus, lady, watch out for my hood, I’ve just had it spray-painted.

One of her high heels gets stuck in the hood, and breaks off, pitching her forward headfirst.

WOMAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   What…?

She crashes headfirst through the windscreen, which SHATTERS.

DRIVER
Jesus, lady, watch out for my brand new windshield.

She starts kicking her heels up and down on the hood in anger, still screaming in rage.

DRIVER
Jesus, lady!

INT./EXT. SQUAD CAR/STREET — NIGHT

WINSTON MARTIN (Looking back behind them.)
Did you hear something, man?

DAVE CURTIS
Nah, you’re just getting jumpy.   It happens to everyone the first time they do nightshift.

WINSTON MARTIN
What time is it man?

DAVE CURTIS (Looking at his watch.)
Just after midnight.

WINSTON MARTIN
Jesus, six more hours to go.

DAVE CURTIS
Yeah, I know what you mean.   Night shift seems to last forever…
(Half a beat.)
Why don’t you turn the radio on?

WINSTON MARTIN
Good idea, man.

He takes out a small pocket radio and starts listening to ELECTRO MUSIC.

DAVE CURTIS (Pointing at it.)
I meant the police radio.

WINSTON MARTIN (Frustrated.)
Oh man, they never have any decent music on.

Dave stares at him in amazement.

Winston turns on the police radio, where ELECTRO STARTS BLARING.

After a few seconds there is the sound of static, then a female voice comes over the radio.

FEMALE VOICE (Over radio.)
All cars in the area of Main Street and Seventh, there is a hold up in progress at the local EZ-Mart…
(Half a beat.)
Witnesses report five men armed with shotguns and handguns…
(Half a beat.)
Hostages have been taken.   All cars please respond.

DAVE CURTIS
Tell her we’re ten miles from there.

WINSTON MARTIN (Into mike.)
This is car forty-four.   We are approximately ten miles from Main Street and Seventh and are preceding poste haste.

DAVE CURTIS
Tell her we’ll be there in about two minutes.

WINSTON MARTIN (Into mike.)
We’ll be there in about two minutes.
(He stares at Dave in amazement.)
Two minutes?   That would mean travelling at three hundred miles an hour!

Dave flips on the SIREN, then shifts up to high and plants his foot on the accelerator.

They take off like a starship in a sci-fi flick.

Through car window can be seen long orangey streaks as though they are racing down a sci-fi wormhole in space.

Winston covers his face with his hands and screams.

INT. INSIDE EZ-MART — DAY
Five teenage males are holding guns on terrified looking customers.

1ST ROBBER (Pointing gun at Check-Out Man.)
Open that damn register!

CHECK-OUT MAN
I can’t, we locked it the instant you came in and only head office knows the code to unlock it again.

1ST ROBBER (Cocking handgun.)
Open the damn register, fool, or I’ll blow your head right off.

CHECK-OUT MAN
I can’t, I told you.   Only head office knows the code to open it again.

2ND ROBBER (Whining.)
Come on, Rob, let’s get outta here.   My instincts tell me this has gone wrong.

1ST ROBBER (To 2nd Robber/Angry.)
Don’t use my real name in front of witnesses, you fool!

2ND ROBBER (Apologetic.)
Sorry, I meant, come on….
(Thinking for a few seconds.)
George, let’s get outta here.   My instincts tell me this has gone wrong.

1ST ROBBER (To Check-Out Man.)
That’s right, that’s right, my real name is George.

CHECK-OUT MAN
Whatever you say, Rob…
(Half a beat.)
Er, I mean, George.

1ST ROBBER
That’s more like it; now get that damn register open.   If we don’t get a good haul tonight Big Tony is gonna have our nuts cut off!

INT./EXT. SQUAD CAR/STREET — NIGHT
Car is still roaring along like a starship, seemingly doing Warp Factor-five, with long, orangey streaks outside the window.

Winston has his feet planted firmly on the floor under the dash and is wide-eyed in terror.

WINSTON MARTIN
Thank God, we’re almost there and I’m not dead yet.

DAVE CURTIS
Relax, I’ve never lost a partner on the job yet…

They turn the corner into main street.

DAVE CURTIS
Well, apart from Rodriguez who was gunned down by the Mob last week…
(Half a beat.)
And Perelli who was gunned down by muggers the week before that…
(Half a beat.)
And Jones who was taken out by a psycho with a hatchet the week before that…
(Half a beat.)
Then there was Mendoza who was run over by ram-raiders and had his head pulped open…
(Half a beat.)
And before that was Sylvanio who was stabbed to death by ten youths…
(Half a beat.)
And before that was Gloria Samuels, who was gang-raped by nineteen men and one bull dyke, then beheaded…
(Half a beat.)
And before that was Hodgekiss who’s lifeless body washed up on the beach one day…
(Half a beat.)
Then before that was Thompkins who was disembowelled by four guys with Bowie knives…
(Half a beat.)
Before that Flannegan was diced up like an Irish stew and sent in individual parcels to headquarters…
(Half a beat.)
Before that Johanssen was set alight and burnt to death in the street…
(Half a beat.)
Then before that Simons was blown-up by a car bomb….

Winston is now staring at Dave in shock.

WINSTON MARTIN
Just how many partners of yours have died horribly to date anyway, Dave?

DAVE CURTIS (Thinking for a moment.)
No more than twenty-five or thirty tops…
(Half a beat.)
Could be thirty-five.

Winston is wide-eyed staring at Dave.

WINSTON MARTIN
And how long have you been a cop?

DAVE CURTIS
Almost a year now.

Winston looks like he is about to faint in terror.

WINSTON MARTIN
Lemme outta here.
(Reaching for door handle.)

DAVE CURTIS
Don’t be crazy, you can’t get out of a car moving at three hundred miles an hour.   You’d never survive.

WINSTON MARTIN
I’d sooner take my chances at that, than staying on as your partner.

DAVE CURTIS
Too late, anyway, we’re here now.

WINSTON MARTIN (Heaving a sigh of relieve.)
Thank God, at last you’ll have to slow down a little.

DAVE CURTIS
Says who?   We’re going in Dirty Harry-style.

WINSTON MARTIN (Puzzled.)
Dirty Harry-style?

Dave rips the steering wheel to the right and the car races up the sidewalk, up a set of steps toward a plate glass door.

Winston covers his face with his hands, plants his feet even harder on the floor and starts screaming in terror.

INT. HOSPITAL, FRONT RECEPTION DESK — NIGHT
A portly matron is standing behind the front desk filling out reports.   Beside her are an attractive black nurse and two male orderlies.

Black Nurse is straight out of nursing college and a little too eager.

Matron is a thirty-year veteran who has had her share of stress and is happy to have a few boring nights.

BLACK NURSE (Frustrated.)
What a boring night.   God, I wish something exciting would happen.

MATRON
Don’t go wishing anything down on us, honey.   Nights like this are a rarity.   Just be grateful for them.

BLACK NURSE
Yeah, I guess so.

EXPLODING GLASS, then the squad car bursts through the front door and races straight past the reception desk, past two elevators, down a thin corridor beyond the elevators.

BLACK NURSE (Covering mouth with her hands.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

INT. SQUAD CAR/HOSPITAL — NIGHT
Winston stares in terror as they race down the short corridor toward a solid wall.

Dave plants his foot on the brake, which SCREECHES, but stops the car centimetres short of the wall.

WINSTON MARTIN
Phew, what a relief.

DAVE CURTIS
Don’t sit there talking, we’ve got hostages to rescue!

Dave slams his car door open, and it crashes into the corridor wall, only opening a few centimetres.

He turns round toward his partner.

WINSTON MARTIN/DAVE CURTIS
Can we get out your…?

They stop as they see that both doors will only open a few centimetres.

They turn round to check the back doors, but they aren’t any better.

WINSTON MARTIN
Jesus, I guess you’ll have to back out again.

DAVE CURTIS
No time, Winston, we’ve got hostages to save.   You’ll just have to take up the top of the car.

Winston stares at Dave in amazement.

WINSTON MARTIN
Take up the top of the car?   Are you…?

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Why must you always argue with me?   Just take up the top of the goddamn car!

Winston continues to stare for a second, and then shrugs in resignation.

WINSTON MARTIN
Okay, whatever you say.
(He reaches up toward the roof.)

FADE TO BLACK:

METALLIC RENDING, while screen is dark.

FADE IN:

INT. CORRIDOR BESIDE ELEVATORS — NIGHT
Winston and Dave are standing on the trunk of the car.

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, let’s go get those scum-sucking pigs.

He leaps off the trunk, takes one step forward, then stops.

Winston jumps down next to him and looks at Dave, who is looking puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN
What’s the matter?

DAVE CURTIS
I just remembered.   The top of that car doesn’t go up.

They turn round to look at the squad car.   The roof has been cut open like a giant sardine can.

WINSTON MARTIN
It does now.

Dave slams a hand over his eyes and shakes his head in amazement.

DAVE CURTIS
Oy vay, I don’t believe it.

WINSTON MARTIN
Come on man, we’ve got hostages to save.

DAVE CURTIS
Oh yeah.

They both pull out their guns and race back down the corridor.

INT. FRONT RECEPTION DESK — NIGHT — MATRON,
Black Nurse, and male orderlies standing watching in shock.

MATRON
Oh my God, ram-raiders.   They must be after drugs.

The two cops run round the corner to the counter.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting.)
All right, you scum-sucking pigs, where are the hostages?

MATRON (Puzzled.)
Hostages?   What hostages?

DAVE CURTIS
Don’t give me any static, you fat tub of lard!
(Pointing gun at her head.)
Now get out here where we can see you.

All four of them hurry out front of the counter.

DAVE CURTIS
You’d better search them; to make sure they don’t have any weapons.

WINSTON MARTIN
Good idea, man.
(He puts away his gun.)
Winston turns and looks at the fat Matron, then the two male orderlies, then the beautiful Black Nurse.

WINSTON MARTIN (Pointing at Black Nurse.)
I think I’ll start with her.

He grabs the top of her uniform, and rips it off with one tug, leaving her standing in stockings, suspenders, panties and bra.

Black Nurse screams and races around to the other side of the counter and ducks down so they can’t see her.

WINSTON MARTIN
Oh man is she ever packing it….
(Looking at Dave Curtis/A beat.)
But she hasn’t got a weapon.

Dave stares at him in amazement.

DAVE CURTIS
Why did you start with her?   One of them is more likely to be armed.
(Pointing at the orderlies.)

WINSTON MARTIN
Maybe so, but they won’t be half so much fun to strip down.

DAVE CURTIS
Just frisk them with you hands.

WINSTON MARTIN
Oh, okay.

He hurriedly pats down the first orderly.

WINSTON MARTIN
This one’s got nothing.

He moves across to pat down the second orderly, looking puzzled as he feels the man’s groin.

WINSTON MARTIN
This one’s really got nothing.

2ND ORDERLY (Indignant.)
Hey!   How dare you!

Lastly he moves across to pat down the Matron.

WINSTON MARTIN
No weapons on any of them.

DAVE CURTIS
All right you lowlife scum, where are you keeping the hostages?
(Pointing gun at Matron.)
Open up fatso, or I’ll splatter your brains across the counter.

MATRON (Puzzled.)
What hostages?   This is a hospital.

Winston and Dave exchange a puzzled look.

DAVE CURTIS
A hospital?

MATRON
Yes.

WINSTON MARTIN
But we were told an EZ-Mart was being held-up at this address.

1ST ORDERLY (Thumbing over his shoulder.)
The EZ-Mart is next door.

Winston and Dave exchange a puzzled look.

DAVE CURTIS (Putting away his gun.)
Oh sorry, our mistake.

WINSTON MARTIN
I guess you’d better have this back, then.

Winston hands Nurse’s dress across the counter.

She reaches up and grabs it, then quickly ducks down again.

BLACK NURSE
Thanks.

DAVE CURTIS (To Matron.)
Um, look; I hope you didn’t take it personally when I called you a fat tub of lard before?

Matron screams in rage, grabs Dave by the neck, picks him up and throws him headfirst against the wall near the elevators.

Dave slides down the wall and hits the floor with a CRASH.

Matron races over and starts kicking him in the side.

The two orderlies race over to pull her away from him.

1ST ORDERLY
I think we can take that to mean she did take it personally.

Groaning from the exertion, Dave manages to pull himself to his feet.

He looks round and sees Winston over by the counter chatting to Black Nurse.

Winston has a pad and pen out and is obviously getting Black Nurse’s name and phone number.

DAVE CURTIS
Stop trying to pull that black bird and come on, man.

WINSTON MARTIN
Stop ravin’ on.   I’ll be there in a sec.

Finally he puts his pad and pen away, leans across the counter to give Black Nurse a quick kiss, and then races across to Dave.

DAVE CURTIS (Frustrated.)
At last!   Come on damn it.

They turn and run along in front of the elevators.

One of the elevator doors opens and Winston races inside and the door shuts, while Dave races around the corner.

After a moment Dave returns looking for Winston.

DAVE CURTIS (Looking round elevator bay.)
Where the hell has that idiot gotten to?

The elevator door opens, and Winston steps out looking very embarrassed.

WINSTON MARTIN
Sorry, man, I knew we had to turn left and just took the wrong turn.

DAVE CURTIS (Frustrated.)
What an idiot.

WINSTON MARTIN (Indignant.)
It could have happened to anyone.   I don’t have to stand here and take this….

DAVE CURTIS (Holding up a hand to silence him.)
I’m the senior cop in this team so just shut up and listen…
(Half a beat.)
Without a doubt you are the most clumsy, awkward, stumble-footed incompetent, I have ever had the misfortune to partner…
(Half a beat.)
So from now on don’t speak, don’t try and think for yourself, just follow my orders and do exactly what I do…
(Half a beat.)
Now, let’s go.

He turns round, takes a single step, and runs headfirst into a six-foot potted rubber tree and falls over clutching at the tree.

Dave screams in terror as he and tree roll over sideways a number of times until reaching half-a-dozen concrete steps which they fall down, in front of the elevator bay.

At the bottom of the steps he slides on half-a-dozen yards and CRASHES through a glass wall into the dispensary.

SHATTERING GLASS crashes down all over Dave.

Winston, Matron, Black Nurse (clutching her torn dress to her), and the two orderlies all race over to stare down to where Dave is lying on his back with the rubber tree on top of him.

WINSTON MARTIN (Scratching his head in amazement.)
Um, I’m a little puzzled here.   When you say I should do exactly what you do?   Do you mean that I should find a large potted rubber tree, run headfirst into it like a dork, roll end over end with it, fall down a flight of concrete steps, land heavily on my back with the tree on top of me, then slide through a plate-glass window?

DAVE CURTIS
Shut up and give me a hand someone.

Matron, Black Nurse, and two orderlies all start clapping.

Winston sticks two fingers into his mouth and starts whistling loudly.

1ST ORDERLY
Encore!   Encore!

DAVE CURTIS (Frustrated.)
Stop being sarky, and just help me up, dammit.

Winston and one of the orderlies race down the stairs and lift the rubber plant off him, then help him to his feet again.

1ST ORDERLY
Thank God, the rubber tree is all right.

Dave glares at 1st Orderly.

WINSTON MARTIN (Pointing at Dave.)
Hey, what about him?

1st Orderly gives him a quick glance.

1ST ORDERLY (Unenthusiastically.)
He’ll live.

2ND ORDERLY
Unfortunately!

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, let’s go.

They head back toward the squad car; Dave is bent over almost double at the waist as he lurches along.

INT. SQUAD CAR/HOSPITAL — NIGHT
The two cops hurriedly buckle their seat belts.

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, lets get outta here.

He puts the squad car into gear and starts it.

The car leaps forward and crashes into the end of the corridor.

DAVE CURTIS
Whoops, forgot to put it into reverse.

WINSTON MARTIN (Shaking head.)
And he calls me dumb?

DAVE CURTIS
Shut up!

He changes gears and starts again.   This time the car races out of the hospital in reverse.

INT./EXT. SQUAD CAR/STREET OUTSIDE HOSPITAL — NIGHT

DAVE CURTIS
She said it’s right next door to the hospital.

He turns the car right and races a hundred yards or so backwards, then changes into forward gear and charges toward the front window of the building on the RHS of the hospital.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE HOSPITAL — NIGHT — MATRON,
Black Nurse, and two orderlies are standing by the shattered glass doors as the squad car races toward the glass window of the next building on the RHS.

MATRON/BLACK NURSE/BOTH ORDERLIES (Shouting.)
No, no, the wrong side!

MATRON
The EZ-Mart is on the left side of the hospital.

INT. LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
Two elderly women, and one old man are the only people in the Laundromat.

EXPLOSION, then the squad car bursts through the front door of the Laundromat, straight down an aisle between two sets of washing machines, toward the back wall.

INT. SQUAD CAR/LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
Winston screams in terror and hides his face in his hands again as they race through the Laundromat toward the end wall.

DAVE CURTIS (Slamming his foot on the brake.)
Shut up already!

The car screeches to a halt centimetres from the back wall again.

INT. LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
The three elderly people stare at the car in amazement.

FRED (Elderly man.)
Now that’s something you don’t see every day MYRTLE.   A squad car in a Laundromat.

INT. SQUAD CAR/LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT

WINSTON MARTIN
Phew, what a relief, we survived again.

DAVE CURTIS
Don’t sit there talking, we’ve got hostages to rescue.

He slams his car door open, and it crashes into the corridor wall, only opening a few centimetres.

He turns round toward his partner.

WINSTON MARTIN/DAVE CURTIS
Can we get out your…?

They stop as they see that both doors will only open a few centimetres.

They turn round to check the back doors, but they aren’t any better.

INT. LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
The three old people watch in amazement as the two cops climb out through the hole in the roof, then climb down the back of the squad car and race toward them.

MYRTLE (Elderly woman.)
Oh my God, ram-raiders.

FRED (Puzzled.)
In a Laundromat?   What are they gonna steal, your threadbare bloomers?

MYRTLE
Mother was right about you, Fred Williams.   Back in 1922 she told me you had a sarky side to you, and that I’d be a fool to marry you.

The two cops run through the Laundromat toward the three elderly people.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting.)
All right, you scum-sucking pigs, where are the hostages?

MYRTLE (Puzzled.)
Hostages?   What hostages?

FRED
This is a Laundromat, son.   Not a bank.

DAVE CURTIS (Amazed.)
A Laundromat?

MYRTLE
Yes.

WINSTON MARTIN
Not an EZ-Mart?

FRED (Pointing.)
The EZ-Mart is two buildings down to the left.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
But that dosey Matron told us the EZ-Mart was one building away from the hospital.

MYRTLE
It is.   One building to the left of the hospital.

2ND ELDERLY WOMAN
This is one building to the right of the hospital.

WINSTON MARTIN
I think you should’ve turned left when you turned right.

DAVE CURTIS
Nag!   Nag!   Nag!

They run back to the squad car, race up the back of it and jump into the front seat again.

INT. SQUAD CAR/LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT
Dave starts to turn the key.

Then he stops, changes the gear to reverse, then starts the car.

They race out backwards into the street again.

INT. STREET OUTSIDE LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT

SIRENS CLANGING.

An ambulance races down the street and heads toward the front of the hospital.

The squad car races out backwards from the Laundromat and crashes backwards into the side of the ambulances.

The ambulances rolls over sidewards two or three times, crashes in through the glass-front of a store and bursts into flames.

The squad car takes off again, roars past the hospital, where Matron Black Nurse, and orderlies race out and stare at the burning ambulance.

INT. INSIDE EZ-MART — DAY
Five teenage males are holding guns on terrified looking customers.

1ST ROBBER (Pointing gun at Check-Out Man.)
Open that damn register!

CHECK-OUT MAN
I can’t, dammit.   If I could, I would.

1ST ROBBER (Cocking handgun.)
Open the damn register, fool, or I’ll blow your head right off.

2ND ROBBER
Come on, Rob.   Er, um, I mean George, let’s get outta here.

CHECK-OUT MAN
Do as he says, Rob.   Er, um, I mean George.   The cops’ll be here any second.

1ST ROBBER (Disdainfully.)
The cops, huh!   Who’s afraid of those turkeys?

2ND ROBBER
Yeah, how they gonna even get in here when we’re holding you at gunpoint?

All the robbers snicker at this question.

EXPLOSION, then the front window implodes.

The squad car races into the store hitting 1st Robber and 2nd Robber, who both go flying.

3rd Robber is swiped by the car and flies headfirst into a large stack of tomato soup tins, which crash down onto him, burying him.

4th Robber & 5th Robber scream and both turn and race toward the back of the supermarket.

The squad car races after them, runs them both over and drags them along under it to the back of the store.

INT. SQUAD CAR — NIGHT
Winston covers his face with his hands and screams as they race down the aisle toward the brick wall at the back of the store.

Dave slams his foot on the brake and the squad car SCREECHES slowly to a halt.

It crashes into a stack of soup tins, which crash down onto the hood of the car, smashing the windscreen.

Winston screams in terror again.

DAVE CURTIS
Come on, dammit, we’ve got hostages to rescue.

INT. INSIDE EZ-MART — DAY
The two cops, guns drawn, race out through the hole in the roof of the squad car and charge down the aisle toward the front of the store.

DAVE CURTIS
All right prepare to die, you scum-sucking.
(Looking about store in amazement.)
Er, I hope we’ve come to the right place…?

WINSTON MARTIN (Under breath.)
This time.

Dave glares at Winston.

DAVE CURTIS
We were told you had a hostage situation here?

CHECK-OUT MAN
We did.

WINSTON MARTIN (Puzzled.)
We were told you had five armed, dangerous hoodlums here?

CHECK-OUT MAN
We did.

The two cops exchange a puzzled look.

DAVE CURTIS
Then would you mind telling us what happened to them?

CHECK-OUT MAN
You ran them over when you came in.

He points to legs sticking out from a pile of soup tins, then to two robbers lying dead in the LHS aisle.

As the cops turn to look, Check-Out Man points back down the aisle to where two sets of legs are sticking out from under the squad car.

DAVE CURTIS (To Winston.)
See, I told you it wasn’t the hostages we ran over when we came in.

WINSTON MARTIN
You lucky bastard.

He takes a $10 note from his shirt pocket and hands the note to Dave, who pockets it.

DAVE CURTIS (To Check-Out Man.)
So you don’t actually need our help here anymore?

CHECKOUT MAN
Not unless you want to stick around and help repair the damage you did to my store coming in here?

The two cops look around at the shattered front window, smashed goods and counters, etc.

WINSTON MARTIN
We’d love to, but unfortunately we’re still on duty.

They race back toward the squad car, race up the back and jump inside.

INT. SQUAD CAR/EZ-MART — NIGHT

WINSTON MARTIN
Let’s get the hell outta here, before he thinks to ask us for our precinct or badge numbers.

INT. INSIDE EZ-MART — DAY
Shoppers are milling about the front of the store, as the squad car starts up and races backwards toward them.

Checkout Man screams as he and two shoppers are hit by the car and sent flying.

INT. POLICE STATION, BACK OFFICE — EARLY MORNING
Winston and Dave are sitting in front of a desk at the back of the room.

A police lieutenant is sitting at the desk.

The glass door behind them opens and a police woman, Tammy, comes in carrying a manila folder bulging with sheets of paper, which she hands to the lieutenant.

Lieutenant is middle-aged, tall and distinguished and a bit of a womaniser.

Tammy is a tall, willowy, painfully gorgeous brunette.

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN
Here’s the report on the damage they did, Lieutenant.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Thank you, Tammy.

She turns around to leave, and all three men turn to watch her walk away.

Winston and Dave both lean back in their chairs to watch her, until they both lean over too far.

Dave and Winston both scream in terror as they fall over backwards onto the floor.

Dave rolls over two or three times, directly past Tammy, till he comes back to his feet at the top of two concrete steps before the door.

He steps backwards down the steps, takes the doorknob in his left hand, and opens the door for her.

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN (She flashes him a smile.)
Thank you, Dave, you’re so gallant.

INT. POLICE STATION, BACK OFFICE — EARLY MORNING, Looking out into the corridor.

Tammy walks through the doorway.

Dave stands at the door staring at her behind till she’s well down the corridor.   Finally he shuts the door.

INT. POLICE STATION, BACK OFFICE — EARLY MORNING

Reluctantly, both cops return to their seats.

WINSTON MARTIN (Straight at camera.)
It took twenty takes for him to get that stunt right.

Lieutenant looks down at the manila folder for a moment, shaking his head as he reads what is written there.

Finally he looks up at the two cops.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
I don’t believe it.   It says here, that you wrecked a squad car, smashed the door off a woman’s parked car doing $1,500 dollars worth of damage to her car.   Smashed through the front windows of a hospital, a Laundromat, and an EZ-Mart doing half-a-million dollars damage.
(Half a beat.)
You ran over five suspects, one checkout man, and two customers.   Each of whom, or their next-of-kin, is suing us for at least $200,000 damages.
(Half a beat.)
And on top of that we’re being sued for slander by a tubby Matron, because one of you called her a fat tub of guts.

Lieutenant and Winston both turn to stare at Dave who is trying to look inconspicuous, looking into the air and whistling.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Well, all I can say is…
(Half a beat.)
Good work men.   It’s a big improvement over your usual damages bill for this type of job.

He stands and leans across the desk to shake hands with each of them in turn, as they stand up.

WINSTON MARTIN
Thank you, sir.

Winston and Dave both turn and walk toward the concrete steps.

DAVE CURTIS
You can count on us to watch what we’re doing from now on, Lieutenant.

They both step off the top of the steps and fly toward the glass door.

Dave and Winston both scream in terror again.

FREEZE FRAME:

GLASS SHATTERING.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — DAVE CURTIS, WINSTON MARTIN
and a middle-aged police captain, JEFF NOONER, a typical gruff, surly copper are walking through the car park, where a number of black-and-white squad cars are parked, as well as some unmarked cars.

They reach a glass door to a brick building and Nooner grabs the door handle and pulls it open to allow Dave and Winston to go through first.

JEFF NOONER
After you, boys.

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT — HALF A DOZEN
uniformed and plain-clothed cops are seated at wooden benches or standing by an open window talking or smoking.

Behind the bench is a large blackboard with the name “BIG TONY BERTALUCCI” circled, and surrounded by the terms, “hard drugs”, “child-prostitution”, “pornography”, “sweat-shops”, “counterfeiting”, “illegal immigrants”, and “protection” which are also circled, with arrows linking them to “BIG TONY BERTALUCCI”.

The door opens behind them then Dave, Winston and Nooner enter.

Seeing the three newcomers, two officers near the window hurriedly pull cigarettes from their mouths and toss the cigarettes out the window.

JEFF NOONER
All right boys, this is our tactics room.   And for the benefit of newcomers it is strictly no smoking in here.

The two smokers blush from embarrassment.

JEFF NOONER
Well, I guess we’d better get on with the introductions.

He points at everyone in turn as he introduces them.

JEFF NOONER
Firstly our newcomers are Dave Curtis and Winston Martin.   Dave and Winston have been transferred to Metro-Squad due to their recent spectacular handling of the EZ-Mart caper, in which half-a-dozen hostages were held by five dangerous hoodlums.

He points at a tall black man.

JEFF NOONER
This is BENJAMIN BARTLETT.

BENJAMIN BARTLETT
(He shakes hands with Dave & Winston in turn.)
Call me Bennie.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN
Hi.

Nooner waves to a teenager of oriental extraction.

JEFF NOONER
This is PETER WONG.

Wong shakes hands with Dave & Winston.

PETER WONG
Hello.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN
Hi.

Nooner waves toward two swarthy looking types.

JEFF NOONER
This is GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS, and SYLVIO FERRANTINO.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Call me George.

He shakes hands with Dave & Winston.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN
Hi.

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
Hello.

He shakes hands with Dave & Winston.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN
Hi.

Nooner points towards two women a brunette in uniform, WENDY, and a blonde in plain clothes.

Most of the Metro Cops are fairly easy-going types.   Except Liz Eckhardt who is chronically jealous of any women better looking than her.   They are also mainly young and relatively inexperienced, except for Nooner, and Wendy Hennequin who are both twenty-year veterans who could have put in for promotion years ago.

JEFF NOONER
And this is WENDY HENNEQUIN, and LIZ ECKHARDT.

WENDY HENNEQUIN/LIZ ECKHARDT
Hello.

They shakes hands with Dave & Winston.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN (With feeling.)
Hello, there.

DAVE CURTIS
Actually I think I know Liz already.

LIZ ECKHARDT
Yeah, you do look kinda familiar.

DAVE CURTIS
Aren’t you the flat mate of Tammy Van Altern.

LIZ ECKHARDT
That’s right.

DAVE CURTIS
Man that Tammy is one gorgeous broad.
(Liz starts to glare at him.)
Man she is one major hornbag.

Liz is red-faced with rage now.

DAVE CURTIS
Jesus that chick is enough to make a corpse get a stiff.

Liz is clutching the strap of her leather handbag so tightly her knuckles are white.

DAVE CURTIS
That Tammy is enough to turn a faggot straight.

Liz swings the handbag and whacks Dave in the head.

LIZ ECKHARDT
Actually I share an apartment with both Tammy and Debbie Albright from the precinct where you used to work as a uniformed cop.

DAVE CURTIS
Oh yeah, that Debbie is one major bone-maker too.

Liz swings the handbag and starts whacking Dave repeatedly in the head.

JEFF NOONER
Well, this is a very close-knit squad and we try to keep regulations and dress codes to a minimum.   But one thing which every man coming into this squad should know…
(Shouting at Dave Curtis.)
Is that no chick on Earth likes to be told how gorgeous her roommate is.

DAVE CURTIS
Sorry chief, I’ll try to remember in future.

WINSTON MARTIN
What exactly do you do at the Metro-squad chief?

Nooner starts walking across to a desk at the front of the room and sits down facing into the room.

JEFF NOONER
Well, at Metro we have a wide range of tasks from mundane police duties right through to special undercover operations.   At the moment our biggest priority is trying to get the goods on a big-time Mafioso creep named BIG TONY BERTALUCCI.

WINSTON MARTIN (Puzzled.)
Big Tony?   Never heard of him.

LIZ ECKHARDT
Not too many people outside the mob have.   He’s very good at covering his operations.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
They range from running hard drugs, child-prostitution, pornography, illegal sweatshops, counterfeiting, ripping off illegal immigrants, and protection from all the local businesses.

JEFF NOONER
Two of our agents, SUZIE JAKUZI and MICHAEL McKHYBER had been hot on his tail for nearly three months.

DAVE CURTIS
Had been?

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
That’s right, they broke contact two days ago and we haven’t heard from them since.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for them now.

WINSTON MARTIN
Why not?

PETER WONG
People who get on the wrong side of Big Tony Bertalucci have the habit of disappearing and never being heard from again.

EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE — DAY — WENDY HENNEQUIN,
Sylvio Ferrantino, Peter Wong, and Dave Curtis are sitting outside the cafe eating junk food and sipping milkshakes.   They are all dressed in police uniform.

INT. FILM STUDIO — LIT — BLONDE & CHINESE MAN
are standing before a bench on which are four transparent plastic tubes, each filled with different pillow stuffing material.

CHINESE MAN
This is the world-famous Chinese Pillow torture.   Where we use a ten-pound dumbbell to test the support of pillow stuffing materials.

BLONDE
Hey!   You’re not using me to test the support of pillow stuffing materials.

CHINESE MAN (Frustrated.)
Not you, you dumbbell!   I said a ten-pound dumbbell!

BLONDE
Oh.

Chinese Man picks up a large, red dumbbell and drops it into the first tube, which has a white cloth-like substance in it.

The dumbbell plummets through the substance and CLANGS against the base of the tube.

BLONDE
Pretty pathetic.

CHINESE MAN
You sure are.

Blonde looks puzzled for a moment, considering this comment.

Finally she shrugs as Chinese Man picks up a second large, red dumbbell and drops it into the second tube, which has a yellow foam-like substance in it.

The dumbbell crushes the yellow foam and CLANGS against the base of the tube.

CHINESE MAN
Hopeless, eh?

BLONDE
Hey!   I resent that!

CHINESE MAN (Frustrated.)
Not you, you bimbo!

Blonde looks puzzled for a moment, considering this comment, finally she shrugs as Chinese Man picks up a third large, red dumbbell and drops it into the third tube, which has white, downy feathers in it.

The dumbbell crushes the feathers and CLANGS against the base of the tube.

CHINESE MAN
Crap!   Just crap!

BLONDE (Puzzled.)
But it looks like white, feathery stuff?   I thought crap was hard and lumpy brown stuff!

CHINESE MAN (Glaring at her.)
Shut up!

Chinese Man picks up a fourth large, red dumbbell and drops it into the fourth tube, which has what looks like small, brown pebbles in it.

The dumbbell slams to a halt against the pebbles, not crushing them.

CHINESE MAN
See the ten-pound dumbbell cannot penetrate the lining of Crappo-Soft Brand Pillows….

BLONDE
I certainly cannot.

CHINESE MAN (Angry.)
Not you, you dumbbell!
(Pointing at the fourth tube.)
I meant the red dumbbell cannot crush the new generation lining of Crappo-Soft Brand Pillows….

Blonde leans down to peer at fourth tube for a moment.

BLONDE
Of course not!   It’s just brown pebbles; they’re too dense.

CHINESE MAN (Angry.)
Look who’s talking!

Blonde looks puzzled for a moment, considering this comment; finally she shrugs.

BLONDE (Indignant.)
I meant the lining of Crappo-Soft Brand Pillows is just hard, brown pebbles.

CHINESE MAN
Oh no, then watch the famous Chinese Hair-Dryer torture test.

He picks up a hair-dryer and points it toward a saucer on which are a number of feather and some of the brown pebbles.

Chinese Man turns on the hair-dryer and the feather fly away and the brown pebbles are blown off the saucer.

BLONDE
So what?   So you’ve blown the pebbles away.   You could blow away an ocean-liner if you had a big enough fan.   That doesn’t make the pebbles soft and light.

CHINESE MAN (Angry.)
You stupid, bimbo.
(Holding out hair-dryer toward her.)
Now you shall suffer the agony of the Chinese Hair-Dryer torture.

He turns hair-dryer on full and advances toward her.

Blonde starts screaming in terror and backing away.

EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE — DAY — AS BEFORE
Wendy & the others sitting outside the cafe eating junk food and sipping milkshakes.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
We should see Big Tony and his scumbag Mafioso creeps pass by here any minute now.

DAVE CURTIS
How do you know?

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
We’ve been tailing them for months and they always stop at that place across the road for lunch about the same time each day.

He points to an eatery across the road.

DAVE CURTIS
Then why are we in uniform?

PETER WONG
They’re less likely to get suspicious of four cops stopping to eat at the same place every day than four people in civvies.

SCREECHING OF CAR TYRES then a big black Cadillac comes round the corner and stops in front of the eatery across the road.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
Right on time.

RADIO SQUAWKING in squad car beside them.

Wendy goes over to the squad car.

She opens the squad car door, leans in and picks up the mike.

FEMALE VOICE (Over mike.)
All officers in the Main Street and Alamaine District, we have an unconfirmed report of a man armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous…
(Half a beat.)
I repeat we have an unconfirmed report of a man armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous.

WENDY HENNEQUIN (Into mike.)
Car five-five here, we are responding.

She hangs up mike and turns to her three male colleagues.

PETER WONG
What’s up, Wendy?

WENDY HENNEQUIN
I don’t want anyone to panic!   But…
(Half a beat.)
We have an unconfirmed report of a man armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous.

PETER WONG/SYLVIO FERRANTINO/DAVE CURTIS (Shouting.)
Oh my God!

WENDY HENNEQUIN
Now don’t anyone panic.   I know none of you have ever been in a combat situation before, but trust me…
(Half a beat.)
I’ve dealt with maniacs armed with all kinds of household appliances…
(Half a beat.)
Vacuum-cleaners, juice-extractors, ironing-boards, you name it…
(Half a beat.)
And I’ve never been seriously hurt yet.

SYLVIO FERRANTINO (Sceptical.)
If you say so, Serg.

WENDY HENNEQUIN
All right, now let’s roll.

She leaps onto the sidewalk and starts rolling along sideways.

After a second’s hesitation the three male cops leap onto the sidewalk and start rolling along sideways after her.

EXT. OUTSIDE LARGE BUILDING — DAY

SHRILL EFFEMINATE SCREAMING inside building.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS inside building, then a blonde races out and runs down the street to LHS of SHOT, as the four cops roll up along the sidewalk.

SHRILL EFFEMINATE SCREAMING inside building.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS inside building, then a brunette races out and runs down the street to LHS of SHOT.

SHRILL EFFEMINATE SCREAMING inside building. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS inside building, then a young man races out and runs down the street to LHS of SHOT after the two women.

Wendy and the others roll into sight along the sidewalk from RHS of SHOT.

WENDY HENNEQUIN (Climbing back to her feet.)
This must be the place.

HAIR-DRYER on full inside building, then SCREAMING from inside building.

The three male cops climb to their feet but seem reluctant to enter the building.

WENDY HENNEQUIN (Taking night-stick from her belt.)
Come on, sounds like he’s got hostages!

She races into the building.

The three men watch her for a moment, and then reluctantly start after her.

INT. TV STUDIO — LIT — CHINESE MAN
is still holding hair-dryer out toward Blonde who is cowering and SCREAMING IN TERROR.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then Wendy races into SHOT from LHS, followed by the three male cops.

The four cops are all holding their nightsticks, and they race across and start clubbing Chinese Man with Rodney King-style severity.

After Chinese Man is beaten to a bloody pulp, the four cops finally stop.

PETER WONG
What’ll we do now, Serg?

WENDY HENNEQUIN (Pulling revolver from holster.)
We’d better shoot him to be on the safe side…
(Half a beat.)
You can’t afford to take any chances with a man who’s armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous.

She starts FIRING HER REVOLVER at Chinese Man whose body bucks wildly under the impact of the bullets.

After a moment, the three male cops pull out their revolvers and also start shooting Chinese Man.

INT. TV STUDIO — LIT — HALF AN HOUR LATER
The four cops are still standing over the body of Chinese Man, talking to Jeff Nooner.

JEFF NOONER
Let me see if I’ve got this straight?   You got a report of a man armed with a hair-dryer and dangerous?   So you rolled down here, then clubbed him unconscious?   Before shooting him at least forty times in the head and body?

WENDY HENNEQUIN
That’s right.

JEFF NOONER
Good work.   You’re a credit to your uniform…
(Half a beat.)
And to the fine name of the Californian Police Department.

INT. RESTAURANT — NOON
Half-a-dozen gangsters, dressed in immaculate suits are seated at three tables.

MARLON BRANDO-LOOK-ALIKE in pinstripe suit enters the restaurant and strides up to one of the gangsters, BIG TONY BERTALUCCI.

Marlon Brando-Look-Alike leans down and gives Big Tony a kiss right on the mouth, then turns and walks out of the restaurant again.

All the gangsters look shocked.

1ST GANGSTER (Shocked.)
Da kiss-of-death from da Godfarter himself!

Big Tony spits a few times, then rubs his mouth on his sleeve.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Jesus, I hate dat!   It’s bad enough when da Godfarter gives ya da kiss-of-death…
(Half a beat.)
But it makes me wanna puke when he uses tongue.

All the gangsters stare at him in shock.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI is basically just a Marlon Brando-style godfather clone, of low intelligence but ruthless enough to have gained great power in the mob.

Dave Curtis & Georgio Devopoulos, dressed in jeans and T-shirts are standing in a doorway watching them.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
There he is.   Big Tony and his boys.

DAVE CURTIS
Now all I have to do is find a way to ingratiate myself into his confidence, then follow them.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Yeah, but how?   It has to be done very subtly.

A waiter carrying a giant pizza walks by them.

DAVE CURTIS
Very subtly, eh?
(To Waiter.)
Excuse me; is that pizza for Big Tony?

WAITER
It’s for Mr Bertalucci, yes.

Dave takes a $20 note from his trouser pocket.

DAVE CURTIS
How about letting me deliver it to him?

Waiter stares at the $20 note, obviously tempted for a moment.

WAITER
Er, no, sorry.   But it’s more than my job’s worth.

DAVE CURTIS
All right then, lemme put it to you like this….

Taking the pizza tray in his right hand, he belts the WAITER three times in the stomach with his left hand, then once in the face.

Waiter goes flying backwards, crashing into a round table, which collapses under him.   Then he slides backwards into the salad bar, which collapses, spilling salad everywhere.

The gangsters watch this with keen interest.

1ST GANGSTER
Hey, borse, looks like dey’re fightin’ ova who gets ta deliver ya pizza.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Guess dey musta heard I’m a big tipper?

1ST GANGSTER
Boy are dey in for a let down.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Angry.)
What was dat!

1ST GANGSTER (Apologetic.)
Nuttin’, borse.

Dave walks up to the gangsters.

DAVE CURTIS
Which one of you Mafioso creeps ordered a giant Mexicana pizza with the lot?

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Sticking a hand up.)
Dat was me.

DAVE CURTIS
Well, here, cop this.

He tosses the pizza at Big Tony.

It hits him straight in the face.

The other six gangsters all jump to their feet and reach for their weapons.

1st Gangster pulls a Colt .44 from his coat and points it at Dave.

2nd Gangster pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and points it at Dave.

3rd Gangster pulls out an Uzi and points it at Dave.

4th Gangster pulls out a bazooka and points it at Dave. 

5th Gangster pulls out a mortar and points it at Dave.

6th Gangster pulls out a miniature canon and points it at Dave.

1ST GANGSTER
All right, boice, let’s geddim.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Waving round hands to stop them.)
Hold it, boice, hold it!   Don’t kill him.   I like dis punk.

1ST GANGSTER (Shocked.)
But, Borse, he trew a red-hot pizza in yer face from tree feet away.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Ah dat’s just high spirits.   Dis guy don’ take no agro from nobody.   I’m tellin’ ya I like dis guy’s balls…
(Half a beat.)
I luvs dis guy…
(Half a beat.)
I wanna have his babies.

All the gangsters turn to stare at Big Tony in shock.

They start backing away from him.

One gangster tries to climb over a table, which collapses under him.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Waving hands round again.)
Okay, okay, forget da bit about da babies.
(Throwing a hand around Dave’s shoulders.)
But I luvs dis guy like me own brudda.

1ST GANGSTER
But, borse, ya hated yer own brudda.   You pudda hit out on yer own brudda.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Dat’s right.   So just watch yaself in future, punk…
(Half a beat.)
So, how’d ya like ta work for Big Tony?

DAVE CURTIS
That was the plan.

Gangsters all look puzzled for a while by this remark.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
So what’s ya name, punk?

DAVE CURTIS
Bruce Curtis.

Big Tony considers this for a moment.

The gangsters all back away again.

One of them falls over a table, which collapses under him.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
I tink I’ll jus’ call ya, Curtis.

DAVE CURTIS
You’re the boss.

1ST GANGSTER
No, not “boss”, “borse”.   He’s da borse.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Shut up!

Winston and Waiter are watching them with interest, as they all sit down again, Dave sitting beside Big Tony.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
That’s what I call subtlety.   You can’t beat the old, pizza-in-the-mush trick.   Works every time.

Big Tony snaps his fingers for Waiter’s attention.

Waiter hurries across, careful not to get too close to Dave.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Bring me a new pizza, dis one got spilt somehow.

WAITER
Yes, sir.

He hurriedly backs away, falling over a table, in his haste not to get too close to Dave.

INT. RESTAURANT — DAY — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
They are just finishing up some pizzas.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
So, Curtis, wadda ya heard about me?

DAVE CURTIS
I’ve heard that you’re a murderous scumbag Mafioso creep.   That you run hard drugs, child-prostitution, pornography, illegal sweatshops, counterfeiting, ripping off illegal immigrants, and protection from all the local businesses.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Waving hand dismissively.)
Ah dat’s nuttin’.   I also run hard drugs, child-prostitution, pornography, illegal sweatshops, counterfeiting, ripping off illegal immigrants, and protection from all da local.
(He looks puzzled for a moment.)
Er, yeah, dat’s right actually.   Business has bin pretty good lately.

1ST GANGSTER
‘Cept fer da static we bin gettin’ from da damn CLA.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
Who?

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
The chook-liberation army.   Dey’re one a dem paramilitary animal protection groups.   Dey bin cuttin’ inta our profits lately from battery chickens an udder rackets.

EXT. LIVESTOCK FARM — DAY
LONG SHOT of a man and a woman moving about doing chores.

ZOOM IN SLOWLY as they start toward a long wooden building at the back of the farmyard.

NARRATOR
The Chook Liberation Army hears of battery-hens being kept in inhuman conditions and decides to take a hand.

A BLACK VAN RACES down the gravel road leading to the farm, and stops outside the farmyard.

Two men and two women, dressed like soldiers in camouflage greens, carrying machine-guns, jump out of the side door of the van and race across toward a large woodpile outside the farmyard fence.

The four soldiers crouch down behind the woodpile and look around the farmyard, searching for any sign of human beings.

WOODEN GATE SCRAPING OPEN LHS of SHOT.

The soldiers look round to the left as the gate of the long wooden building opens.   A middle-aged Farmer’s Wife comes out carrying two buckets full of hen eggs.

1ST MALE SOLDIER
A stinkin’ chook torturer!

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Yeah, she doesn’t deserve to be alive.

1st Female Soldier takes a grenade from her belt, pulls the pin and lobs the grenade toward the woman.

Farmer’s Wife looks down as grenade lands at her feet.

FARMER’S WIFE
Oh no, the Chook Liberation Arm….

The grenade EXPLODES.

Farmer’s Wife is tossed high into the air, and then crashes back down to earth, scattering eggs everywhere.

Farmer races out from the long wooden building.

FARMER
Oh God, Ami, no!

He races across and kneels down beside her.

The four soldiers race out of cover, scale the metre-high wire-mesh fence ringing the farmyard and race across the yard toward him.

Hearing FOOTSTEPS the Farmer looks up and sees them.

FARMER
Oh God, the stinkin’ chook liberation loonies!   You murderers!

1ST MALE SOLDIER
You can’t afford to talk, chook-violator.

He MACHINE-GUNS DOWN the farmer.

2ND MALE SOLDIER
Two of us’d better check out the farmhouse.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER
Good idea.

2nd Male Soldier and 2nd female Soldier run toward the back porch, then vanish inside the house.

MACHINE-GUN FIRE, then CHILDREN SCREAMING inside house.

NARRATOR
Sometimes the Chook Liberation Army must reluctantly engage in acts of extreme violence for the good of humanity…
(Half a beat.)
Well, that’s the excuse the President used when he nuked Libya last year.   And if it’s good enough for him….

1st Male Soldier and 1st Female Soldier race toward the long wooden building.

INT. LONG WOODEN BUILDING — DAY
Inside are seemingly thousands of wire-mesh cages with chickens inside.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Those inhuman sadists!

They race across and start opening the cages and shooing the chickens out.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

The chickens start racing about madly.

EXT. FARMYARD, OUTSIDE WOODEN BUILDING — DAY

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER O/S
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Hundreds of chickens race out into the farmyard with the two soldiers chasing after them.

2nd Male Soldier and 2nd female Soldier return from the farmhouse.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Help us out, guys.

All four of them run about trying to chase the chickens toward the freedom of the surrounding forests.

1st Male Soldier and 1st Female Soldier chase a couple of dozen chickens out through the farmyard gate, and out toward the surrounding forest.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

EXT. EDGE OF NEARBY FOREST — DAY
A group of foxes are ducking down in the long grass at the edge of the forest, watching the approaching man and woman and numerous chickens.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

The chickens run squawking into the forest with 1st Male Soldier and 1st Female Soldier close behind them.

Suddenly the foxes race forward, each grabbing a chicken, then turn and race off deeper into the forest with them.

The two soldiers stand watching them in horror.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Oh no!   I can’t believe it.   All that effort, only to see them all slaughtered!

1ST MALE SOLDIER
Don’t be upset, I’m sure Gina and Bobby have had better luck freeing their chooks!

EXT. GRAVEL ROAD NEAR FARMHOUSE YARD — DAY
2nd Male Soldier and 2nd female Soldier are shooing a few dozen chickens down the gravel road toward the farmyard gate.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER/2ND MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

EXT. HIGHWAY RUNNING PAST FARM — DAY
2nd Male Soldier and 2nd female Soldier and chooks reach the other side of the gate.

They open the gate and shoo the chickens out.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER/2ND MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

The chickens all race out onto the highway.

KLAXONS, then an 18-wheeler races into shot and runs over all the chickens.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER (Cupping her hands to her mouth.)
Oh no, it’s almost as though we were destined to have no chance of freeing the poor devils.

2nd Male Soldier puts a comforting arm round her shoulders.

2ND MALE SOLDIER
I’m sure Heidi and Corey have had more success shooing their chooks into the forest.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS BEHIND THEM.

They turn round as 1st Male Soldier and 1st Female Soldier run up to them.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
I hope you had better luck…?

She stares at the remains of the crushed chickens on the highway.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Oh no, none of them flew away and survived!

The women both start CRYING.   The men look as though they’re not far away from doing the same.

INT. RESTAURANT — AS BEFORE — BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
and Dave Curtis seated at table.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Dey also bin cuttin’ inta our profits from protection money paid to us by da stores that stock our battery hens.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SUPERMARKET — DAY

NARRATOR
The Chook Liberation Army hears of harmless chooks being kept in inhuman conditions and decides to take a hand.

A BLACK VAN races up and stops outside the supermarket.

Two men and two women, dressed like soldiers in camouflage greens, carrying machine-guns jump out of the side door of the van and race into the supermarket.

INT. SUPERMARKET — DAY
as four soldiers race into the store.

They start firing their machine-guns and gun down half-a-dozen customers and check-out women.

FOLLOW soldiers as they race through the checkout line, as the crowd scatters, SCREAMING.

Soldiers race down toward the rear of the store, till reaching the frozen food section.

People in the freezer section see machine-guns and run away SCREAMING as soldiers reach the freezer section.

The soldiers look across the frozen food in open-topped freezers, until reaching the frozen poultry section.

NARRATOR
The Chook-Liberation Army are horrified to see poor chooks bound and wrapped in plastic.

1ST MALE SOLDIER (Shocked.)
Oh my God, the poor things are wrapped in plastic.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
How will they ever breath?

They both pick up one of the frozen “chooks”.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Oh my God, they’re ice cold.

1ST MALE SOLDIER
We’ll have to get their blood circulating again before we can release them.

They take off their jackets and rub the frozen chooks for a few seconds, then hold them up to neck height.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

They both throw their chook a few feet up, and watch in shock as they crash down onto the supermarket floor.

1ST MALE SOLDIER
I guess they’re not quite ready to fly yet.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
I guess not.

They pick up the frozen chooks and toss them into the air again.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Once more the frozen chooks crash down onto the floor. 

The soldiers exchange puzzled looks.

They pick up the frozen chooks and toss them into the air again.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Once more the frozen chooks crash down onto the floor.

INT. CHECK OUT COUNTER — DAY

ALL SOLDIERS O/S
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

CHOOKS CRASHING BACK TO GROUND.

After a few seconds the first two soldiers race into view from freezer section, carrying frozen chooks.

They toss the chooks into the air again.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER/1ST MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

A moment later the second two soldiers run round the corner, also carrying frozen chooks, which they toss into the air.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER/2ND MALE SOLDIER
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Once more the frozen chooks CRASH DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR.

The soldiers exchange puzzled looks.

They pick up the frozen chooks and toss them into the air again.

EXT. OUTSIDE SUPERMARKET — DAY

ALL SOLDIERS O/S
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

CHOOKS CRASHING BACK TO GROUND.

After a few seconds the four soldiers race out onto the sidewalk, carrying their frozen chooks.

They toss the chooks into the air again.

ALL SOLDIERS
Fly away to freedom, little chooks!

Three of the frozen chooks CRASH DOWN ONTO THE SIDEWALK, but the forth lands on the open back of a truck speeding past.

1ST MALE SOLDIER
Well, at least one of them flew away to freedom.

They pick up the three remaining chooks and go to throw them again.

But 1st Female Soldier stops and stares at the plastic wrapping.

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Oh no, it can’t be.   We’ve been wasting our time here.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER
What’re you mean?

1ST FEMALE SOLDIER
Take a look at the plastic wrapping.

They all do as instructed, and look horrified.

2ND FEMALE SOLDIER/2ND MALE SOLDIER
Oh no, it can’t be!

2ND MALE SOLDIER
These aren’t chooks!   They’re turkeys!

1ST MALE SOLDIER
Well, look who’s talking.

They all turn and glare at him.

INT. RESTAURANT — AS BEFORE

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
So ja wanna join me gang or what?

DAVE CURTIS
What the heck, it’s something to do…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t mind being involved in hard drugs, child-prostitution, pornography, illegal sweatshops, counterfeiting, ripping off illegal immigrants, and protection from all the local businesses…
(Half a beat.)
Just so long as it allows me to earn an honest living.

The gangster all look puzzled by this.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Er, yeah, right.   Okay, come wid us.

They all get up and head toward the door.

INT./EXT. CAR/STREET OUTSIDE APARTMENT BLOCK — NIGHT
Dave Curtis and Tammy Van Altern are sitting together in the front seat of a car in the street.

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN
No, I’m sorry.

Opening the car door, Tammy steps out and walks across toward the apartment block.

Dave watches her in dismay for a moment.

As Tammy reaches into her purse to find her door key, Dave starts the car and drives away.

Tammy puts the key into the lock and turns the key.

INT. CORRIDOR INSIDE APARTMENT — NIGHT, UNLIGHTED

KEY IN LOCK O/S.

Door opens and a female hand reaches in and turns on the corridor light.

Tammy enters, pulls the key from the lock and slams the door.

Dropping her keys into her handbag, Tammy walks down the corridor to the last door, which she opens.

INT. BATHROOM — NIGHT, UNLIGHTED
Door opens and the light is clicked on.

Tammy enters and walks across to the bath.

She puts the plug in the bath and turns on the faucets.

As the water is running Tammy slowly undresses.

INT. BATHROOM — NIGHT, LIGHTED — A LITTLE LATER
Tammy is naked, when she hears MOVEMENT outside the bathroom.

TAMMY VAN HOUSTEN
Debbie?   Liz?   Is that you?

Tammy listens for a moment, and then she walks back toward the door.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BATHROOM — LIGHTED
A man in dark clothing is standing by the door with a thick cord in his hands.

As the bathroom door starts to open, MAN steps back through an open bedroom door and shuts it all but a crack.

Tammy steps out into the corridor naked and looks toward the door behind which Man is hiding.

After a moment she turns and looks in the opposite direction.

As she looks away, Man steps out of the bedroom, steps up behind her and loops the rope around her neck.

Tammy reaches up to her neck as Man starts tightening the rope.

She struggles for a moment, and then goes limp.

Man removes the rope and Tammy collapses to the floor.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BATHROOM — MORNING
Sunlight has just started to peep under the front door.

FOOTSTEPS outside the front door.

KEY in the door.

The front door opens and a tall, willowy blonde, DEBBIE ALBRIGHT, enters.

She walks down the corridor and stops and stares in horror at Tammy’s naked corpse.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BATHROOM — AN HOUR LATER
Lieutenant, two sergeants and Debbie are standing look down at Tammy’s naked corpse.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
What should we do first?

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Search for clues, of course.

2ND POLICE SERGEANT (Puzzled.)
How do we do that?

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Frustrated.)
Well, take some fingerprints for starters, so that we can find out who the murderer is.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT (Enthusiastic.)
Okay, boss, now we’re getting somewhere.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BATHROOM — TEN MINUTES LATER
1st Sergeant and 2nd Sergeant are fingerprinting Debbie.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Well?

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
Yes, she’s definitely got fingerprints.

He holds up a pad that has her fingerprints inked onto it.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Okay, she’s our woman then.

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
I’ll say she is.
(He grabs her ass and squeezes it.)

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Shouting.)
Hey!
(She jumps forward.)

POLICE LIEUTENANT
No, no, you idiot, I meant she’s the murderess.

2ND POLICE SERGEANT (Disappointed.)
Oh, I see.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
No, I’m not.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Oh come on, give us a break, you’re the obvious suspect.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Indignant.)
No, I’m not.   Why don’t you dingleberries ever do any police work for a change?

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Well, gee, we’re only human.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
I doubt that very much.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Offended.)
Well, if you’re not the obvious suspect, who is?

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Dave Curtis.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Puzzled.)
Dave Curtis?   What has he got to do with this?

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
He was out with Tammy last night.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Come off it, that eunuch couldn’t pull a rotten tooth with the Jaws-of-Life.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Yeah, that’s true.   Don’t ask me why, though, but after six months of knocking him back, Tammy finally agreed to go out with Dave last night.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
Ah ha, an even more obvious suspect.

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
Goody.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Angry.)
Shut up!

INT. LIVING ROOM — EARLY MORNING
Dave Curtis is sleeping on his own sofa.   There are half-a-dozen empty beer bottles around the floor.

The corridor door opens and 1st Sergeant, 2nd Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Debbie all enter.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Pointing at Dave.)
That’s the man.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Frustrated.)
We know that, dingle, he used to work for the force.   We all know what he looks like.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Embarrassed.)
Oh, yes, of course.   Sorry.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Okay, wake him up.

1st Sergeant walks across and shakes Dave by the shoulder.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
Wakey, wakey!

Lieutenant looks toward the heavens.

Dave wakes up and stretches wide.

Looking startled to see Debbie and the detectives, Dave looks about to make sure of where he is.

DAVE CURTIS
Lieutenant, how did you get in here?

Lieutenant holds up a credit card.

Dave stares at the credit card for a moment.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
You bribed the hall porter to let you in?

POLICE LIEUTENANT
No, dingleberry, I forced the lock.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
That’s illegal, isn’t it?

POLICE LIEUTENANT
So sue me…
(Half a beat.)
Debbie here tells us that you finally convinced Tammy to go out with you last night?

DAVE CURTIS
That’s right.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
So, how’d you do?

DAVE CURTIS
My first instinct is to say that I had her through every body hole.   Twice in each hole.   And she said that I was the greatest stud of this or any era.
(Considering a moment.)
But some nagging little doubt tells me that I’d be better off telling you the truth.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Which is?

DAVE CURTIS
I struck out…
(Half a beat.)
She told me that I wasn’t her type…
(Half a beat.)
That she doesn’t go for creeps.   So she dumped me and I got back here, alone, by a quarter to ten last night.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Well, I’m glad to see that you haven’t lost your touch with women.
(Shouting.)
Jesus, a screaming nympho who had a dozen different men a week inside her.   And you still struck out!
(Shaking head.)
I’m tempted to run you in just for that!

INT. POLICE STATION — LIT — DAVE CURTIS
hand-cuffed is being led through the office by Lieutenant, 1st Sergeant and Debbie, who is now back in uniform.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Stopping at front desk.)
All right take him through to the interrogation room and book him, Dano…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is Debbie.

Debbie turns round to glare at Lieutenant.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
I haven’t forgiven you yet for that illegal full-body front-and-back frisk you let those creeps do on me yet.   Without cracking jokes at my expense, knob-brain.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
Knob-brain?   What the hell does that mean?

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Shrugging.)
Well, I figured it sounded politer than calling him a dickhead or something like that.

DAVE CURTIS
Oh yeah, of course.

Debbie grabs him by the shoulder and starts leading Dave down a long wood-panelled corridor, toward a small door with a high window in it.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM — LIT — DAVE CURTIS,
Debbie Albright, 1st Sergeant and 2nd Sergeant enter.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
All right, let’s get down to it.

DAVE CURTIS
Sure thing, cutie, do you want to be on top, or shall I?

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Not down to that.   I meant tell me why you killed Tammy Van Altern.

DAVE CURTIS
I didn’t.   That chick was the last person I would’ve killed.    I mean Tammy was one gorgeous broad.
(Debbie starts to glare at him.)
Man Tammy was one luscious filly.   And what a wild ride she must’ve been.
(Debbie is red-faced with rage now.)
Jesus that chick was enough to make a corpse get a raging hard on.

Debbie is clutching the strap of her leather handbag so tightly her knuckles are white.

DAVE CURTIS
That Tammy was enough to turn a man into a cannibal.   I mean she was primo eatin’ material that’s for sure.

Debbie swings the handbag and starts whacking Dave repeatedly in the head.

The door behind them opens and Jeff Nooner and Bennie Bartlett and Peter Wong all enter.

Debbie looks surprised to see them.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Captain Nooner, what can I do for you?

JEFF NOONER
You could sit on my face if you’re not busy.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
No, no, I meant in regard to police work.

JEFF NOONER (Very disappointed.)
Oh.   Er, I’d like to have a few words with Mr Curtis before you book him.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
What exactly is Metro Squad’s interest in him?

JEFF NOONER
Let’s just say we’ve got some unfinished business with him.

Debbie looks undecided for a moment.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT
Okay, I guess you can have a few minutes alone with him.

Debbie, 1st Sergeant and 2nd Sergeant walk outside and shut the door.

JEFF NOONER (Shaking head.)
Curtis, Curtis, Curtis, haven’t I already warned you of the dangers of telling any chick on Earth how gorgeous her roommate is?

DAVE CURTIS
Sorry, chief.

JEFF NOONER
Pete and Bennie tell me you’ve got yourself well ingratiated into Big Tony’s mob.

DAVE CURTIS
He’s only shown me round his business offices so far.   But I’m hoping to convince him to take me to his warehouses where he keeps all his illegal goods soon.

JEFF NOONER
Good, good, well I’ll leave you to it.

DAVE CURTIS
Hey, when are you springing my bail?

JEFF NOONER
Oh we can’t do that.

PETER WONG
It’d tip off Big Tony that you’re working for Metro.

BENNIE BARTLETT
We can’t risk blowing your cover when you’re doing so well.

JEFF NOONER
Just stay put and wait for Big Tony to spring you.

PETER WONG
And whatever you do, don’t let the uniformed cops know you’re one of us.

INT. SMALL ATTIC — EVENING — MICHAEL McKHYBER,
and SUZIE JAKUZI, a beautiful Japanese-born Metro agent, are tied to the sturdy legs of a wooden table.

McKHYBER is a McGyver look-alike, notorious for his crazy escape plans and solutions to any emergency.

SUZIE JAKUZI
How will we ever get away, McKHYBER?

McKHYBER
Relax, Suzie.   If my knowledge serves me right, this is April the first.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Puzzled.)
So what?

McKHYBER
So on April first this year, for a few minutes after nine….

They both look up at the clock on the wall facing them, and see it is 8:59.

McKHYBER
Due to an unusual lunar conjunction of Mars and Uranus, wooden table legs change mysteriously into buzz saws.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Incredulously.)
What?

BUZZ SAW BEHIND THEM.

McKHYBER
Don’t distract me, Suzie, I’ve only got a few moments to saw through my bindings before it changes back into a table leg.

He leans back tentatively toward the buzz saw.

SAWING THROUGH ROPE for a few seconds, then the sawing stops.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Did you cut through your bindings in time?

McKHYBER
No, you distracted me.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
I never said a word!

McKHYBER
No, but when you leant toward me a moment ago, your tits almost fell out of your blouse.   And I leant forward to have a closer look at the wrong moment.

She looks down at her enormous breasts, which are almost tumbling out.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Contritely.)
Sorry.   As soon as I get my hands free, I’ll do up my top buttons.

McKHYBER (Hurriedly.)
No, no, there’s no need to do anything like that.

Suzie looks a little uncertain of this comment.

McKHYBER is wrestling with his hands bound behind his back.

McKHYBER
The rope is cut more than halfway through.   And I think I should be able to break free.

He tugs on his bindings for a moment, then suddenly falls forward so his face lands in Suzie’s cleavage.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Oh.

She tries to move backwards, but is tied to the table, unable to move, and McKHYBER is making no real effort to remove his face from her cleavage.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Worried.)
McKHYBER!   McKHYBER!   Are you all right?

McKHYBER (Muffled.)
Yes.   Why do you ask?

SUZIE JAKUZI
What are you doing?

McKHYBER (Muffled.)
Just enjoying the view.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Angry.)
Well, stop it!
(Straight at camera.)
I was afraid he was having lunch, for a moment there!

McKHYBER (Looking up.)
Oh well, back to business.

He takes one last, close look at her breasts, then stands up.

McKHYBER
I suppose you’d like me to untie you?

SUZIE JAKUZI
With roving hands like yours, I think it might be safest.

McKHYBER
Okay.

Leaning under the table behind her, he struggles with the rope tying her hands for a moment, then straightens up again.

McKHYBER
The knot’s too tight, I’ll need to find something to cut the rope.

He looks round the attic, which has a few piles of rags, old clothes, wooden crates and cardboard boxes scattered around.

Finally he sees an old cereal box.

He races across to pick up the cereal box, then returns with it.

McKHYBER
Ah ha!   If my memory serves me right…
(Half a beat.)
And it never has yet.   If you tear the side off a cereal box correctly, then sharpen it along the top of a wooden table, you can turn it into a machete.

SUZIE JAKUZI (In disbelief.)
What?

McKHYBER
Trust me on this one.

He tears off one side of the cereal box, then starts sharpening the cardboard along the top of the table, as though he were honing a straight razor.

After a few moments the cardboard transforms into a long, wooden-handled machete.

McKHYBER (Holding machete up.)
Ah ha, just as I thought.

SUZIE JAKUZI (In disbelief.)
McKHYBER, you’re one of a kind…
(Half a beat.)
Thank Christ.

McKHYBER stares at her for a moment, then starts cutting her bindings.

Finally he drops the machete onto the table, and it transforms back into a piece of cereal box.

SUZIE JAKUZI
That’s a relief.

With McKHYBER’s help, she stands and starts massaging her wrists.   Then, as one of her breasts almost falls out of her blouse, she hurriedly does up the top buttons.

McKHYBER
Spoil sport.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Well, now we’re free, but how are we going to get out of here?

McKHYBER
The first thing to do is carefully check all the doors and windows.

They look round and see there is only one door, and one window looking out over the rooftop.

McKHYBER
You check the door, I’ll check the window.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Okay.

McKHYBER goes over and checks the window, which has a large deadbolt on it and also is nailed down.   He tries banging his fist against the glass a couple of times.

McKHYBER
Ouch…
(Half a beat.)
Unbreakable glass.   We’ll never get out that way.

Suzie rattles the doorknob for a moment, then taps on the wooden door a couple of times.

SUZIE JAKUZI
The door looks like solid oak and is almost brand new.   It’s locked and no sign of the key.

McKHYBER
Damn, I bet they left a spare key under the mat outside, if only we could get to it.

Suzie kneels down to try looking under the door.

SUZIE JAKUZI
I can’t tell, the door’s been fitted tightly so there’s no gap underneath.
(Hysterical.)
Oh God, oh God, we’re both going to die in here, aren’t we?

McKHYBER
Relax, I’ve never let any of my co-stars get killed yet, have I?

SUZIE JAKUZI
Weeeeeeell…?

McKHYBER
Don’t I always find some way to rescue them?

SUZIE JAKUZI
Yes, but you always find stupid, dumb, crazy solutions, like making a hand-grenade out of baking powder and soap.
(Half a beat.)
Or making a fully functional Army tank out of wooden crates and toenail clippings.
(Half a beat.)
Or making a working bazooka out of a matchbox and an HB pencil.

McKHYBER (Looking back at her.)
Suzie, is it your time of the month or something?

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
How dare you!   That is the most sexist thing I’ve ever been asked.
(Half a beat/Embarrassed.)
As a matter of a fact, yes it is.

McKHYBER
In that case remind me not to pull you.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
I always do.

McKHYBER
That’s what I hear from the guys.
(Half a beat/Embarrassed.)
But you never seem to do it with me.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
I meant I always do remind you not to pull me.

McKHYBER
That’s true.
(Half a beat.)
You frigid bitch!

SUZIE JAKUZI (Indignant.)
How dare you!   I might be desperate for a root sometimes.   But never desperate enough to let you pull me.

McKhyber considers this for a moment, looking put out.

McKHYBER (Inspiration struck.)
Ah ha.

He reaches into his pockets and pulls out a box of matches and a grey-lead pencil.

McKHYBER
I knew these would come in handy…
(Half a beat.)
No, wait a minute….
(He stares closely at the pencil for a moment.)
Damn, it’s a 2B pencil!

He throws it down in disgust, then puts the matches back in his pocket.

McKHYBER
Everyone knows you need an HB pencil and a box of matches to make a working bazooka.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Hysterical.)
Oh God, you’re hopeless.   I bet Dr Quain, Miracle Worker could make a bazooka out of a 2B pencil and a box of matches.   Oh God, we’re both going to die in here, I knew it!   I knew it!

McKHYBER
Calm down!   Calm down!   The producers would never let a big-titted babe like you get killed off.

Suzie considers this, uncertain how to take it.

McKHYBER
Now help me look through these crates and boxes for anything we might be able to salvage.

They both go across and start hunting through the boxes and crates.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM — LIT — DAVE CURTIS,
being interviewed by Debbie, Lieutenant, and 1st Sergeant.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Look, Curtis, just come clean and you’ll save us all a lot of trouble.

DAVE CURTIS
I’ve got nothing to say.

Lieutenant sighs loudly from frustration.

He looks to the ceiling as though for inspiration for a second, then looks round as there is a KNOCK on the door.

The door opens and 2nd Sergeant looks in.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
What’s up?

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
He’s been sprung.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
You mean someone saw him do it?

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
No, he’s being released on bail.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Who’d pay this scuzbag’s bail?

2ND POLICE SERGEANT
Big Tony Bertalucci.

Looking startled, Lieutenant spins round to stare at Dave Curtis.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Big Tony, eh?   I always suspected you were bent, Curtis.

DEBBIE ALBRIGHT (Astonished.)
Then how come just last week you said he was the most honest, upstanding cop you’d ever had the pleasure to work with?

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Frustrated.)
Shut up, you bimbo, he didn’t have to know I said that.

DAVE CURTIS
The pleasure’s all mine, Lieutenant.
(Holding up his right hand to shake.)
Lieutenant slaps away the hand in disgust.

POLICE LIEUTENANT
Don’t push it, Curtis.   In my book there’s nothing worse than a bad cop.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
Unless it’s two bad cops.

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Considering a moment.)
Oh yeah, I never thought of that.

1ST POLICE SERGEANT
And three bad cops is even worse than two bad cops.   And four bad cops is even worse….

POLICE LIEUTENANT (Glaring at 1st Sergeant.)
All right already.   We get the idea.

INT. SMALL ATTIC — EVENING — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

McKHYBER
Damn, nothing.   How about you?

SUZIE JAKUZI (Holding them up.)
All I’ve found is an old sardine tin, with a little oil left in it, half a lemon, and a small bottle of tomato chutney.

McKHYBER (Considering a moment.)
If I remember my junior high school chemistry properly, if you mix sardine oil, lemon juice, and tomato chutney, you get nitro-glycerine.

SUZIE JAKUZI (In disbelief.)
What?

McKHYBER (Apologetic.)
Well, it’s only very weak nitro-glycerine.
(Going over to her.)
Here, give them to me.

He takes them from her and starts mixing them in the sardine tin.

McKHYBER
They have to be mixed in exactly the right proportions…
(Half a beat.)
Or you might accidentally create an atomic explosion.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Astonished.)
What?

McKHYBER (Apologetic.)
Only a very small, atomic explosion you understand.
(Almost shouting.)
Look, it’s not my fault.   I’m not the dweeb who writes this shit.   And as long as people will watch shit like this, that bastard writer is going to keep getting away with it.   So, just don’t blame me, all right.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Sor…
(Half a beat.)
Ree.
(Under breath.)
Jesus, what a grouch!

He walks over toward the door and starts pouring the mixture into the lock.

McKHYBER
Now just keep your fingers crossed.

Taking the matchbox from his pocket, he puts a match into the lock to act as a fuse, lights another match and strikes it to the fuse.

McKHYBER
Now stand well back.

She ducks down and McKHYBER hides behind the wall.  

The fuse burns down for a few seconds, then there is a small POPPING sound.

They both stare at the door in dismay.

McKHYBER
Well, I warned you it was only very weak nitro-glycerine.

He tries the doorknob, which is still locked, then turns to face Suzie.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Oh God, what’ll we do now!

EXPLOSION behind McKHYBER.

The door suddenly blows inward sending him flying across the room.

Suzie shrieks and jumps out of the way as McKHYBER and the door fly past her, landing heavily with the door on top of him.

She stares down at McKHYBER’s feet sticking out from under the door, then looks across at the open doorway.

SUZIE JAKUZI
Oh well, at least he got the door open.

NARRATOR V/O
McKHYBER…
(Half a beat.)
The man who makes the impossible seem barely plausible.

EXT. FOREST — DAY — DAVE CURTIS &WINSTON MARTIN
are both dressed in camouflage greens walking through the forest.

Dave Curtis is carrying a rifle, Winston Martin carries a large, single-volume encyclopaedia.

WINSTON MARTIN
Trust me, a little hunting will make you forget all about Tammy Van Altern being murdered.
(Half a beat.)
And you are being arrested for her murder.
(Half a beat.)
And about everyone thinking you’re in league with Tony Bertalucci.
(Half a beat.)
And about your old Lieutenant accusing you of being a bent cop.   And about….

DAVE CURTIS
All right, already!   I thought the idea was to cheer me up!   Not rub it in.

WINSTON MARTIN
Well, sor…
(Half a beat.)
Orr-ree.   Anyway trust me, hunting will allow you to forget the grind of police work, forget the violence and bloodshed.
(Half a beat.)
Allow you to commune with nature.
(Half a beat.)
Allow you to get in touch with your gentle side.
(Half a beat.)
And to blow the guts out of some defenceless animals.

Dave Curtis looks puzzled considering this.

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, well if we’re going, let’s get going.

They start stalking slowly through the dense forest, looking about feverishly left and right for game.

DAVE CURTIS
Shush, I think I hear something.

WINSTON MARTIN
What is it?

DAVE CURTIS
I think it’s….

MOVING SHOT following Dave as he suddenly takes off through the forest, narrowly avoiding high-speed collisions face first with trees as he runs.

He runs for seemingly miles, before suddenly stopping a few feet from a great elm tree.

He raises the rifle and aims at the tree from point-blank range.

LOUD CLICK as he cocks the triggers on the rifle.

PANTING from behind him as Winston finally catches up.

WINSTON MARTIN
What are you doing?

DAVE CURTIS
Stand well back, I think it’s dangerous…
(Half a beat.)
I’m gonna kill it before it attacks.

He starts to pull both triggers.

WINSTON MARTIN
Hold on, Dave.
(Pointing toward it.)
It’s got a sign on it.

They carefully circle round in a 90-degree arc to read a small white sign, hung on the tree.

The sign says “TREE”.

The two cops look puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN (Scratching his head.)
It says, “Tree”.
(Leafing through encyclopaedia/Puzzled.)
Tree?…
(Half a beat.)
Tree?…
(Half a beat.)
Tree?   Ah, here it is.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a tree.   Beneath the picture is the caption, “Tree”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Tree”….

The lower caption says, “DO NOT SHOOT”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“Do not shoot Tree”.

The two cops both look disappointed.

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Damn!

Winston slams the book and they start out again.

They set out through the forest again.

After a few seconds there is the SOUND OF RUNNING FEET through the brush ahead of them.

DAVE CURTIS
Come on.

Dave starts racing through the forest with Winston falling further and further behind.

Finally Dave catches up with the running figure, which is a large dog.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting at dog.)
All right you viscous bastard, I’ve got you now!

He aims his rifle right between the dog’s eyes.

PANTING FROM EXHAUSTION, Winston finally catches up with him.

WINSTON MARTIN
Hold on, Dave.   It’s got a sign on it.
(Pointing toward it.)
Winston carefully steps forward to examine a small white sign, hung on the dog’s collar.

The sign says, “DOG”.

The two cops look puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Dog”.
(Leafing through encyclopaedia/Puzzled.)
Dog?…
(Half a beat.)
Dog?…
(Half a beat.)
Dog?   Ah, here it is.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a dog.   Beneath  the picture is the caption, “Dog”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Dog”….

The lower caption says, “DO NOT SHOOT”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“Do not shoot Dog”.

The two cops both look disappointed.

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Damn!

Winston slams the book and they start out again.

They set out through the forest again.

After a few seconds there is the SOUND OF FEET ahead of them.

DAVE CURTIS
Come on.

Dave starts racing through the forest with Winston falling further and further behind.

EXT. COW PADDOCK — DAY
After a while Dave breaks cover and runs out into the large paddock, and catches up to a lumbering figure, which is a cow.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting at cow.)
All right you bastard, prepare to eat lead.

He aims his rifle right between the cow’s eyes, which continues to chew cud, looking unconcerned.

PANTING FROM EXHAUSTION, Winston finally catches up with him.

WINSTON MARTIN
Hold on, Dave.   It’s got a sign on it.
(Pointing toward it.)

Winston carefully steps forward to examine a small white sign, hung on a string around the cow’s neck.

The sign says, “COW”.   Both cops look puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Cow”.
(Leafing through encyclopaedia/Puzzled.)
Cow?…
(Half a beat.)
Cow?…
(Half a beat.)
Cow?   Ah, here it is.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a cow.   Beneath the picture is the caption, “Cow”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Cow”….

The lower caption says, “DO NOT SHOOT”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“Do not shoot Cow”.

Both cops look disappointed.

DAVE CURTIS
Damn it to hell!

Winston slams the book and they start out again.

They set out across the paddock again.

EXT. COW PADDOCK — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
They are still walking across the paddock approaching another, slightly larger, lumbering bovine.

DAVE CURTIS
Come on.

Dave starts racing across toward the animal, with Winston falling behind.

Finally he catches up to the figure, which is a large bull.

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting at bull.)
All right you bastard, it’s dying time.

He aims his rifle right between the bull’s eyes.

PANTING FROM EXHAUSTION, Winston finally catches up with Dave.

WINSTON MARTIN
Hold on, Dave.
(Pointing toward it.)
It’s got a sign on it.

Winston carefully steps forward to examine a small white sign, hung on a string around the bull’s neck.

The sign says, “BULL”.   Both cops look puzzled.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Bull”.
(Leafing through encyclopaedia/Puzzled.)
Bull?…
(Half a beat.)
Bull?…
(Half a beat.)
Bull?   Ah, here it is.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a bull.   Beneath the picture is the caption, “Bull”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Bull”….

The lower caption says, “DO NOT SHOOT”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“Do not shoot Bull”.

The two cops both look disappointed.

DAVE CURTIS
Damn!

WINSTON MARTIN (Still reading from book.)
And run like hell.

The bull starts snorting at them and pawing the ground as though about to charge.

DAVE CURTIS/WINSTON MARTIN (Shocked.)
A bull!    Aaaaaaaaaaah!

They start running with the bull charging after them.

ZOOM OUT TO LONG SHOT OF BULL CHASING
two cops across the cow paddock.

EXT. FOREST AT EDGE OF COW PADDOCK — DAY
After a few seconds SOUND OF RUNNING FEET.

Winston races across and starts climbing a barbed-wire fence to get out of the neighbouring paddock.

BULL SNORTING.

DAVE CURTIS O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Dave comes flying through the air straight over the barbed-wire fence.

He lands with a CRASH and rolls over three or four times.

Winston races across to help him up.

WINSTON MARTIN
Oh my God, Dave, are you okay?

Winston helps Dave back to his feed.

DAVE CURTIS
Yeah, it only hurts when I laugh…
(Half a beat.)
Ha!

He collapses to the ground.

EXT. FOREST — DAY — HALF AN HOUR LATER
Dave is still a little unsteady on his feet.

After a moment they see movement in the forest ahead of them.

DAVE CURTIS (Whispering.)
Come on.

Dave starts racing through the forest with Winston close behind.

Finally they break cover and see a naked woman lying on her back sunbathing.

WINSTON MARTIN
Holy shit!

WOMAN
Hello.

DAVE CURTIS
Hello.   Are you game?

Woman starts running her tongue invitingly around the outside of her mouth, smiling at him.

WOMAN
I sure am, handsome.

Dave aims his rifle at her and FIRES.

EXPLOSION, then Woman’s stomach bursts open, gushing blood across the clearing.

WINSTON MARTIN (Shocked.)
Oh my God!   Why did you do that?

DAVE CURTIS
Well, she said she was game.

Winston starts furiously leafing through the encyclopaedia as Dave goes over to examine his kill.

The encyclopaedia has a picture of a naked woman in a forest.   Beneath the picture is the caption, “Game”.

WINSTON MARTIN
It says, “Game”….

The lower caption says, “YOU MAY SHOOT GAME”.

WINSTON MARTIN
“You may shoot Game”.

The two cops both look pleased.

WINSTON MARTIN
Thank God…
(Half a beat.)
I thought we were in trouble for a moment there!

Winston slams the book shut and starts across to examine the kill also.

WINSTON MARTIN
I want the brush.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:
INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — FEMALE JUDGE
at the bench; Dave Curtis & his DEFENCE ATTORNEY are sitting near the front of the court while a previous defendant is being tried.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Whispering.)
This judge has the reputation for being just a tad severe in passing sentences.

JUDGE
How do you find the defendant?   Guilty?   Or not guilty?

FOREMAN OF THE JURY
We find the defendant, Ronald Joseph Bloggs…
(Half a beat.)
Guilty!

JUDGE (Shouting/Banging Gavel.)
Off with his head!

DISTRICT ATTORNEY & Defence Attorney both look shocked.

1ST DEFENCE ATTORNEY
Isn’t that a bit extreme, your honour?

JUDGE
Don’t argue with me.
(Shouting/Banging Gavel.)
Off with his head, I say!

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Standing.)
But your honour, Mr Bloggs has only been convicted of J-walking.

JUDGE (Angry.)
Don’t argue with me.   I have God-like powers and I have the authority to use them.
(Shouting/Banging Gavel.)
Now, off with his head!

EXT. EXECUTION YARD BEHIND PRISON — DAY
Bloggs is kneeling with his hands tied behind his back, his head on a chopping block.

Behind him stands a masked axeman, the Judge, the DEFENCE ATTORNEY, and the public defender, in front of a small crowd, including Dave Curtis and his attorney.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
I know I was the one who prosecuted him, but I still think execution is a little harsh.

JUDGE (Shouting.)
Quiet!   Now off with his head!

Axeman swings the axe and beheads Bloggs.

Dave Curtis looks as though he is about to faint.

DAVE’S DEFENCE ATTORNEY
As I said, she’s just a tad severe in sentencing at times.

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — FEMALE JUDGE
at the bench; Dave Curtis sitting at stand, being cross-examined.

Audience are shouting excitedly and Judge is banging gavel to silence.

JUDGE
Silence in the court.

Dave’s Defence Attorney is standing behind barrier.

DAVE’S DEFENCE ATTORNEY
Objection, your honour, the counsel is trying to lead the witness.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Indignant.)
Nonsense.

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — DAVE CURTIS
is now down on his hands and knees before the bench, with a collar around his neck.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY has a leash attached to the collar and is leading Dave around the courtroom.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
How dare you, I resent the insinuation that I would ever lead a witness!

JUDGE (Banging Gavel.)
Objection sustained.   Counsel, you will refrain from attempting to lead the witness in future, Mr Boggins.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Very good, your honour.

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — DAVE CURTIS
is now seated in the witness box again.

There are two cops standing just inside the double doors to the outside corridor.

JUDGE
Mr Curtis’s last remarks will be stricken from the court record.

She turns to LHS of shot where a DISC JOCKEY is standing beside an old-fashioned gramophone.

DISC JOCKEY
Yes, your honour.

DISC JOCKEY takes old 78-LP off gramophone and smashes record
against the gramophone.

Then he takes another 78 record from a small table and puts the new record of the player and winds the handle to start it playing.

JUDGE (Looking toward the jury.)
And the jury will disregard everything they have just heard or seen.

TWILIGHT ZONE THEME starts playing.

Smoke starts swirling from the wall near the record player.

After a second a Rod-Serling Look-Alike steps out of the smoke.

ROD STERLING (Walking deeper into court room while talking.)
Where could a judge direct a jury to forget a piece of evidence they have heard, and really expect them to be able to do so?…
(Half a beat.)
Only here.
(Double beat.)
In the Twilight Court!

The judge starts banging her gavel again.

JUDGE
Someone please get that damn Rod-Serling Look-Alike out of my court.

The two cops standing inside the double doors race down an aisle between the audience.

They run through the small gate to enter the bench area and grab Rod Sterling by one arm each.

ROD STERLING
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He continues screaming as they carry him back into the audience area, along the aisle and out the doors.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE COURT ROOM/LOWER LEVEL — DAY
Doors burst open and the two cops run out carrying the still screaming Rod Sterling.

They carry him down the corridor toward a wide staircase, then carry him down the staircase, to the reception area at the lower level.

With Rod Sterling still screaming, the two cops carry him across to the open front door.

EXT. STAIRS OUTSIDE COURT BUILDING — DAY
The two cops run out still carrying Rod Sterling and throw him down the concrete steps.

Still screaming, Rod Sterling rolls down the steps and lands on the sidewalk in front of gaping pedestrians.

1ST COP (Brushing his hands together.)
And stay out!

The two cops turn and walk back into the court building.

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAY — TWILIGHT ZONE THEME
still playing and the cops enter again and stand with their backs to the wall on either side of the door.

JUDGE (Angry.)
And for Christ’s sake somebody stop that damn Twilight Zone music.

DISC JOCKEY
Yes, ma’am.
(Straight at camera.)
I guess this chick just isn’t into classic sci-fi themes!

He takes the record off the gramophone and smashes the record against the small table.

JUDGE
That’s more like it.
(Turning toward DEFENCE ATTORNEY.)
All right, Mr Boggins, please continue with your questioning.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Very good, your honour.
(To Dave Curtis.)
Where were you on the night of September the 15th, 1964, Mr Curtis?

DAVE CURTIS (Considering.)
Well, if my memory serves me right, that was the day before I was born…
(Half a beat.)
So, at a guess, I’d say I was still inside my mother’s belly.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Ah, but can you prove that?

DAVE CURTIS
Of course, all you have to do is ask her.
(Pointing at Mother in audience.)
She’s right over there.

MOTHER
Yes, that was the day before he was born.   He was definitely still in my belly.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Objection.   Her testimony isn’t worth a red nickel, you just said that she was your mother…
(Half a beat.)
Of course she’d back up anything you say.

DAVE CURTIS
Well, how else am I supposed to prove it?   The doctor who delivered me is dead, as is the midwife, and the nurse.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
That is your problem, not mine.

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Listen you major-dingleberryhead!

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Objection, your honour.   This is clearly a hostile witness.

DAVE CURTIS (Angry.)
Well, of course I’m hostile, when you start asking me bloody stupid questions like that.

JUDGE
Objection sustained.
(To Dave Curtis.)
Just answer the questions politely, or you’ll find yourself in contempt of court.

DAVE CURTIS
Jesus Christ!

JUDGE
And in contempt of the church.

Dave looks astonished.

PRIEST in the audience leaps to his feet and points his right hand at Dave.

PRIEST (Shouting.)
Blasphemer!

JUDGE (Banging gavel on bench.)
I’ll do the religious jokes in this court, thank you Reverend!

Priest sits down again.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (To Dave Curtis.)
Can you in fact prove that you were even born at all?

DAVE CURTIS
Well, no.   I’ve just told you that the doctor, midwife, and nurse at my birth are all dead.   As is my father.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
So, in fact, for all we know, you might never have been born at all?

GASPS from the audience & jury box.

DAVE CURTIS (Considering a moment.)
Well, I do have my birth certificate.

He pulls it out of his shirt pocket and hands the certificate to the DEFENCE ATTORNEY who reads it for a moment.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
And who is this Doctor Golightly?

DAVE CURTIS
He was the doctor who delivered me.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
So let me see if I have this straight?   You want us to accept as proof of your birth, a birth certificate signed by one Enoch Golightly, who by your own admission is now deceased?

DAVE CURTIS
Well, yes.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Or in fact, may never have even existed for all we know.

DAVE CURTIS
His isn’t the only signature on it.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Oh yes.
(Reading certificate for a moment.)
Who is this Jayne Peters.

MOTHER
That’s me.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Who by your own admission is your mother?

DAVE CURTIS
Yes.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
And thus a biased witness.

MOTHER
I think Mrs Ferguson also signed it.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Reading for a moment.)
Oh yes, Mrs Margaret Ferguson…
(Half a beat.)
And whom prey tell is Mrs Margaret Ferguson?

DAVE CURTIS
The midwife who helped deliver me.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Who, by your own admission is now dead?

DAVE CURTIS
Well, yes.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
So, in reality this so-called birth certificate isn’t worth the paper it is printed on.   Since two of the signatories are dead and the other is clearly a biased witness…
(Half a beat.)
So in fact we are now back to where we started, with no proof at all that you were even born?

MOTHER
Well, of course he was born.
(Pointing at Dave Curtis.)
You can see him in front of you, can’t you?

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Objection, your honour.   This woman is clearly another hostile witness.

JUDGE (Banging gavel on bench.)
Sustained.   I think thirty days in the cooler will help calm her down a little.
(Turning to Bailiff LHS.)
Bailiff, have this woman taken away.

BAILIFF
Yes, Your Honour.

He snaps his fingers toward the two cops standing on either side of the door.

The cops race across to the audience bay and grab her by one arm each.

Mother screams and tries to grab onto the pew, but, they grab her under the arms and lift her up and drag her, kicking and struggling out of the court.

DAVE CURTIS (Jumping to his feet.)
Mother!

Judge starts banging his gavel furiously on the bench.

JUDGE
Sit down, or I’ll have you taken away too.

Reluctantly Dave sits down again.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
So allow me to reiterate.   We in fact have no proof at all that you were even born.

DAVE CURTIS
Well, no.   But I’m here aren’t I?…
(Half a beat.)
How else could I have come into existence?
(Sarcastic.)
Do you think I was put together by Baron Frankenstein or something?

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Snapping her fingers.)
Ah ha, at last.   At last we are finally coming to the truth.

DAVE CURTIS (Puzzled.)
What?

EXT. OPEN FIELD — NIGHT
Half a dozen villagers standing around holding flaming torches.

1ST MAN (Shouting.)
Frankenstein must die!

1ST WOMAN
Well, strictly speaking Frankenstein is the name of the creator.   It’s the monster we want to kill.

ALL VILLAGERS
Shut up!

1ST MAN
Why must you always be so damn pedantic?

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — AS BEFORE

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting.)
Honestly, honestly I swear that I was born.   I wasn’t really put together by Baron Frankenstein.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Ah, but can you prove that?

Dave Curtis screams, jumps to his feet and races around the stand and charges up the aisle toward the door.

EXT. OPEN FIELD – NIGHT

LONG SHOT of Dave charging across the field with villages chasing after him holding flaming torches.

DAVE CURTIS
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Aaaaaaaaaaah!

1ST MAN
Die, Frankenstein!

1ST WOMAN
No, no, Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster!

ALL VILLAGERS
Shut up!

INT. U.S. COURTROOM — DAVE CURTIS
now seated at the bench again.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (Smirking from satisfaction.)
I rest my case, your honour.
(Straight at camera.)
This orta get me an Academy Award for sure.

DAVE CURTIS
This is insane, I tell you!

Female Judge banging her gavel on the bench.

JUDGE
Quiet in the court.   This isn’t a circus you know.

CIRCUS MUSIC then a juggler rides into SHOT from LHS on a unicycle.

A baby elephant is led behind the Juggler by a woman in a speckled costumed.

A RING MISTRESS runs up and stands beside the bench holding an old-fashioned megaphone.

RING MISTRESS (Into megaphone.)
Roll up!   Roll up!   See a dozen naked dancing girls dancing the hootchie-coo.   See a man fired live from a cannon.

EXPLOSION and a man flies across SHOT from left to right.

RING MISTRESS (Into megaphone.)
See amazing feats of daring do performed above the court by Ronald and Rosie, the world’s greatest living husband and wife high wire act.

Overhead, trapeze artists are swinging about.

Woman’s SCREAM, then woman plummets to the courtroom with a CRASH.

Ring Mistress looks shocked.

RING MISTRESS (Into megaphone.)
Er, well, um, one of them is still living.

A whole circus procession goes past.

Defence Attorney stands up.

DAVE’S DEFENCE ATTORNEY
Your honour, my client would like to request a recess.

JUDGE
Very well, Mr Hopkins.

DAVE’S DEFENCE ATTORNEY
He would also like to request that the circus skit be edited out and left on the cutting room floor.   Because no one in their right mind would believe it.

JUDGE (Banging Gavel.)
Granted.

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT — GEORGIO
Devopoulos is seated at the front desk filling in paperwork.

Door opens behind him then Suzie Jakuzi And Michael McKHYBER enter.

McKHYBER is bandaged from head to foot like a mummy.

Georgio Devopoulos looks up as they enter and looks startled to see them.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Suzie?   McKHYBER?   We’d given you both up for dead.   What happened to you?

SUZIE JAKUZI
He blew himself up with one of his crazy escape plans.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
No, I meant over the last few days?   We thought Big Tony had killed you both.

McKHYBER
No, he just took us hostage.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
My God, how’d you ever escape?

SUZIE JAKUZI
Bonehead here created some nitro-glycerine by mixing sardine oil, lemon juice, and tomato chutney.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (Shocked.)
I see now what you mean about one of his crazy escape plans.

Suzie takes a sheet of paper out of her handbag.

SUZIE JAKUZI
This is the address of Big Tony’s warehouse where he keeps his illegal drugs and gaming equipment until he can distribute them.

Georgio jumps to his feet and grabs the slip of paper.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Jesus, I’d better get down there right away.

SUZIE JAKUZI
I’ll come with you.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
No, you stay here and man the phones in case the chief or any of the others ring in.

McKHYBER
I can do that.

He reaches for the telephone, but both his arms are in plaster from the wrist to the shoulder, so he is unable to lift the receiver.

SUZIE JAKUZI (Frustrated.)
On second thoughts your right, I’d better stay here to man the phones for you.

Georgio Devopoulos races across to the door and leaves.

EXT. CAR PARK OUTSIDE METRO HQ — DAY
Georgio Devopoulos races out of the tactics room, runs across to a car, gets inside, starts the car, and roars out of the car park.

EXT. WAREHOUSE BY DOCKS — DAY — GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS’S car races up.

He parks a fair way from the warehouse, gets out then runs across toward the warehouse and starts slowly walking round it.

INT. WAREHOUSE — DARK — LARGE WOODEN CRATES
fill the warehouse.

Door SQUEAKING OPEN, then Georgio Devopoulos enters holding a small penlight to light the way.

Georgio stops and looks round at the boxes that fill a number of aisles, some aisles stacked almost to the ceiling of the warehouse.

He flashes his penlight about and whistles.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Jesus, whatever’s going on here, it’s going on on a grand scale.

He stops at one of the wooden crates and uses a jemmy to remove the lid from the crate.

Inside are brand-new machine-guns.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Ah ha, illegal weapons smuggling.

He hammers the lid back on with the jemmy, then goes over to the next crate.

He uses the jemmy to remove the lid from the second crate.

Inside are plastic packets of white powder.

He uses the jemmy to tear open one packet and dips a finger into the powder to have a taste, then spits the powder off his tongue.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Ah ha, illegal heroine.

He hammers the lid back on with the jemmy, then goes over to the next crate.

He uses the jemmy to remove the lid from the crate.

Inside are hard-core magazines and video cassettes.

He lifts up one of the magazines to have a look at it.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (Dropping magazine back into crate.)
Ah ha, illegal pornography.

He hammers the lid back on with the jemmy, then goes over to the next crate.

He uses the jemmy to remove the lid from the crate.

Inside are gaming machines and lottery tickets.

He lifts out some of the lottery tickets.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (Dropping tickets back into crate.)
Ah ha, illegal gambling.

He hammers the lid back on with the jemmy, then goes over to the next crate.

He uses the jemmy to remove the lid from the crate.

Inside are three pre-teenage children.

He reaches in and lifts out a young girl.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Ah ha, illegal child-prostitution.

He puts the girl back into crate and hammers down the lid again, then walks toward the next crate.

He uses the jemmy to remove the lid from the crate, which holds wads of $100 bills.

He reaches in and lifts out a wad of notes.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Ah ha, illegal….

Dropping the notes, he stops, and looks puzzled.

He returns to the previous crate and removes the lid again, then peers down at the three children.

EXT. OUTSIDE WAREHOUSE — AFTERNOON
A black stretch limo pulls up and Big Tony, Dave, and the other gangsters all climb out.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Dis is where I store me illegal booty till I can distribute it.

They all walk across to the warehouse door.

Big Tony reaches for the door, but 1st Gangster stops him.

1ST GANGSTER
Hey, borse, looks like da lock’s been tampered wid.

Big Tony peers at the lock, which has been busted apart.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Tampered wit?   The damn ting’s busted apart.   I tink we’ve bin visited by da cops.

1ST GANGSTER
Either dat, or da Avon lady.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI/DAVE CURTIS/OTHER GANGSTERS (Shouting.)
Shut up!

INT. WAREHOUSE — DARK — GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
is just helping the last of the three kids out of the crate.

METAL DOOR SCRAPING OPEN, then the warehouse lights up.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (Shouting.)
Run, kids!

SQUEALING FROM FEAR, the kids turn and run deeper into the warehouse.

Blinded by the sudden light, Georgio runs the wrong way and runs straight up to Big Tony and the gangsters.

Two of whom grab him by the arms.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Well, well, well, who’ve we got here.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Avon calling.

1ST GANGSTER
Hey, I wus right.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI/DAVE CURTIS/OTHER GANGSTERS (Shouting.)
Shut up!

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (To Dave Curtis.)
So you managed to infiltrate Big Tony’s gang, without any problems?

DAVE CURTIS
No sweat, these scumbag Mafioso creeps aren’t known for their brainpower.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Yeah, that’s true enough.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Puzzled/To Curtis.)
You know dis joker?

DAVE CURTIS
Never saw him before in my life.

Big Tony looks a little uncertain for a moment, then shrugs.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
All right, boice, I tink we orta give him da terd degree.

1ST GANGSTER
Ya mean he’s got two already?   All I’ve got is one.   For da fifty-metres breaststroke.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI/GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS/DAVE CURTIS/OTHER GANGSTERS
(Shouting.)
Shut up!

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
All right, boice, give ‘im da terd degree.

Two gangsters race forward and grab Dave.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Not ‘im.
(Nodding toward Georgio Devopoulos.)
‘Im.

ALL GANGSTERS
Oh, not ‘im…
(Half a beat.)
‘Im.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Exactly.

INT. WAREHOUSE, BACK OFFICE — DARK
They are all standing over Winston, who is seated on a wooden chair.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
All right, boice, give ‘im. da terd degree.

1ST GANGSTER (Holding out a paper certificate.)
Dis one is for da twenty-five metres free-style.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (He takes it.)
Thanks.

1ST GANGSTER (Holding out a paper certificate.)
Dis one is for da fifty-metres butterfly.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (He takes it.)
Thanks.

1ST GANGSTER (Holding out a paper certificate.)
Dis one is for da one-hundred-metres backstroke.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (He takes it.)
Thanks.

1ST GANGSTER (Holding out a paper certificate.)
Dis one is for da two-hundred-metres relay.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS (He takes it.)
Thanks.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Well, ya gonna talk now?

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
Get lost you Mafioso creep.   I can take any amount of third degree.

1ST GANGSTER
Not third degree, terd degree.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI/GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS/DAVE CURTIS/OTHER GANGSTERS
(Shouting.)
Shut up!

1ST GANGSTER (Holding out a paper certificate.)
Dis one is for da one-hundred-metres breaststroke.

GEORGIO DEVOPOULOS
(He takes it.)
Thanks.

1ST GANGSTER (Holding out a paper certificate.)
Dis one is for da….

2ND GANGSTER
Borse, dis guy ain’t gonna talk.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
All right, I guess we gotta rub ‘im out.
(To Dave Curtis.)
And since yer da newest member of my little family, I’ll let ya do da honours…
(Half a beat.)
Call it an initiation test, if ya like.

DAVE CURTIS
Sure, no sweat.   But before I do…
(Taking mobile phone from his jeans.)
Would you mind if I just ring my girlfriend to let her know I’ll be a little late tonight?

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Puzzled.)
Yer girlfriend?   What kinda man are ya, if you gotta tell yer girlfriend yer gonna be late home for dinner?

DAVE CURTIS
All right then, my lover, my mistress, my concubine.
(Shouting.)
The chick who sits on my face!

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Yeah, okay, be my guest.

DAVE CURTIS
Thanks.
(He dials a few numbers.)
Hello, honey, is that you?

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT
Jeff Nooner is sitting at desk, holding receiver to his left ear.

Liz Eckhardt and Sylvio Ferrantino are standing before the desk, listening on.

JEFF NOONER
Oh my God, he just called me Honey.

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
Do you think those rumours about him could be true?

JEFF NOONER
What rumours?

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
Haven’t you heard?
(He places right hand on hip and adopts “gay” pose.)
They say he’s a bit of a ducky-poohs.

LIZ ECKHARDT (Shocked.)
I never knew that.

JEFF NOONER
Quiet, I’m trying to hear him!

INT. WAREHOUSE, BACK OFFICE — LIGHTED
Gangsters standing round watching Dave on the mobile phone.

DAVE CURTIS
I’m telling you, honey, you’d better get down here immediately to this warehouse with as many squad cars and cop helicopters as you’ve got, or they’re gonna bump off poor Georgio.

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT — AS BEFORE

JEFF NOONER
He says if we don’t get down there with as many squad cars and choppers as possible, pronto, Georgio is for the chop.

LIZ ECKHARDT
If we don’t get down where?

JEFF NOONER (Into receiver.)
If we don’t get down where?

INT. WAREHOUSE, BACK OFFICE — DARK

DAVE CURTIS (To Big Tony.)
Just as a matter of interest, what’s the address of this place?

1ST GANGSTER
The Old Manson Pier, off Wharf Street and Terd, Warehouse 57.

DAVE CURTIS (Into receiver.)
The Old Manson Pier, off Wharf Street and Terd…
(Half a beat.)
Er, Third, Warehouse 57.

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT

JEFF NOONER
The Old Manson Pier, off Wharf Street and Terd…
(Half a beat.)
Er, Third, Warehouse 57.

SYLVIO FERRANTINO (Writing on a notepad.)
The Old Manson Pier, off Wharf Street and Terd.
(Crossing out the word “terd”.)
Er, Third, Warehouse 57.   Right, I got it.

INT. WAREHOUSE, BACK OFFICE — DARK

DAVE CURTIS
Now get down here as fast as you can or they’re gonna kill Georgio.

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT

LIZ ECKHARDT
Ask him, who’s gonna kill Georgio.

JEFF NOONER (Into receiver.)
Who’s gonna kill Georgio?

INT. WAREHOUSE, BACK OFFICE — DARK

DAVE CURTIS (Shouting.)
Big Tony, and all his scumbag Mafioso goons are gonna kill Georgio, if you don’t get down here with every available cop as fast as you can.

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT

JEFF NOONER
He says, Big Tony, and all his scumbag Mafioso goons are gonna kill Georgio, if we don’t get down there with every available cop as fast as we can.

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
Tell him we’ve got no one available.

JEFF NOONER (Into receiver.)
We’ve got no…
(He glares at Ferrantino.)

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
Only kidding.

LIZ ECKHARDT
Tell him we’re on the way.

JEFF NOONER (Into receiver.)
We’re on the way.

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
Tell him to stall them for fifteen minutes.   It’ll take us at least that long to get there.

JEFF NOONER (Into receiver.)
Can you stall them for fifteen minutes?   It’ll take us at least that long to get there.

INT. WAREHOUSE, BACK OFFICE — DARK

DAVE CURTIS (Shocked.)
Fifteen minutes?   How the hell am I gonna stall them for fifteen minutes?   These slimy, Mafia-type scumbags have itchy fingers and are just dyin’ to slaughter poor Georgio.

INT. METRO SQUAD TACTICS ROOM — LIT

SYLVIO FERRANTINO
Tell him we can’t get there any faster than that, he’ll just have to stall them somehow.

JEFF NOONER (Into receiver.)
We can’t get there any faster than that, you’ll just have to stall them somehow.

INT. WAREHOUSE, BACK OFFICE — DARK

DAVE CURTIS
Okay, okay, I’ll do my best.

PHONE BEING HUNG UP at the other end.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Hey wait a minute, who was dat anyway?

DAVE CURTIS
Er, um, wrong number.   I’ll ring her now.

Dave rings again.

MALE VOICE (Over the phone.)
At the third stroke, it will be….

Dave hurriedly covers the speaker with his hand.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
What’s going on now?

DAVE CURTIS
Er, she put me on hold.   While she goes to powder her nose.

1ST GANGSTER (Annoyed.)
Typical.   Ain’t dat just like a woman?

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI/DAVE CURTIS/GEORGIO DEVOS/OTHER GANGSTERS
Shut up!

INT. WAREHOUSE, BACK OFFICE — DARK — FIFTEEN
MINUTES LATER — DAVE CURTIS
is still holding the mobile phone, while checking his watch.

Big Tony and most of the gangsters are checking their watches too.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
How long does dis chick take ta powder her nose?

DAVE CURTIS
She’s got a very shiny nose.   Her nickname is Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed Reindeer.

HELICOPTERS O/S and SIRENS racing toward them.

DAVE CURTIS
I think that’s her now.
(He removes hand from the speaker.)

MALE VOICE (Over the phone.)
At the third stroke, it will be….

DAVE CURTIS (Hurriedly.)
Honey, I’m just ringing to say I’ll be home late for dinner.   I’ve joined the Mafia and I have to kill a cop for Big Tony, okay.

Dave quickly rings off.

DAVE CURTIS
Well, that’s settled.   Sorry for the delay.

HAMMERING on the warehouse door.

JEFF NOONER O/S
This is the police.   Come out with your hands above your heads.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Shocked.)
Da cops?   How did dey know we wus here?

1ST GANGSTER
Someone musta tipped dem off.

They all turn toward Dave Curtis.

DAVE CURTIS (Pointing at 2nd Gangster.)
It was him.

They all turn toward 2nd Gangster.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI (Shouting.)
Ya dirty stoolie!   Get da stinkin’ nark, boys!

1st Gangster pulls a Colt .44 from his coat and points it at 2nd Gangster.

3rd Gangster pulls out an Uzi and points it at 2nd Gangster.

4th Gangster pulls out a bazooka and points it at 2nd Gangster.

5th Gangster pulls out a mortar and points it at 2nd Gangster.

6th Gangster pulls out a miniature canon and points it at 2nd Gangster.

BIG TONY BERTALUCCI
Leddim have it, boice!

They all open fire on 2nd Gangster who runs about the warehouse, frantically trying to avoid the gun- and canon-fire.

Finally he screams then falls to the warehouse floor.

2ND GANGSTER
Ah, dey got me!

FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE:

TAG:

FADE IN:
EXT. U.S. STREET CORNER — DAY

Tall, thin, greying man, SLEAZE-BAG SICKO, is standing on street corner.

SLEAZE-BAG SICKO
Hi, I’m Sleaze-Bag Sicko, and this is Revenge-Hunter.

As he is speaking, an elderly NUN walks past him.

SLEAZE-BAG SICKO
A dozen years ago, my six-year-old son, Robbie, was gunned down in an open street just like this.

In b/g Nun stops at the sidewalk for a moment and looks both ways.

SLEAZE-BAG SICKO
I was distraught, disconsolate, inconsolable.   Until I realised that I had a new purpose in life.

In b/g Nun races out into the traffic and hurries across to the opposite side of the road.

SLEAZE-BAG SICKO
The sleazy quest for cheap ratings.   That’s when I became…
(Shouting.)
The Revenge-Hunter!

As Nun reaches the sidewalk again, two black youths in black clothing walk across and start heckling her.

SLEAZE-BAG SICKO (Straight at camera.)
Pardon me, I see a crime being perpetrated even as I speak.

He pulls an enormous magnum revolver from his coat.

MOVING SHOT following Sleaze-Bag as he races out into the traffic and charges down the busy street.

1ST BLACK YOUTH (Seeing Sleaze-Bag Sicko.)
Holy shit, let’s split, man.

2ND BLACK YOUTH
I’m with you, man.

Spinning round, they start running down the sidewalk away from the Nun.

Sleaze-Bag reaches the other side of the road and charges across to Nun.

Seeing his gun, people run about wildly to get out of the line of fire.

Ignoring them, Sleaze-Bag races across to the Nun.

NUN (Pointing after fleeing black youths.)
They went that way, officer.

Sleaze-Bag points his revolver at Nun’s head and FIRES.

Nun’s head EXPLODES, and her headless corpse falls to the sidewalk.

SLEAZE-BAG SICKO (Straight at camera.)
That’s the last time that fucking nun will ever J-walk in this town!

FADE OUT:

END OF TAG:

END OF FILM: