1ST MAN IN CROWD

2ND MAN IN CROWD

3RD MAN IN CROWD

4TH MAN IN CROWD

1ST WOMAN IN CROWD

2ND WOMAN IN CROWD

3RD WOMAN IN CROWD

4TH WOMAN IN CROWD

SCOTTY

GEORGE WASHINGTON

GEORGE WASHINGTON, as child

CHILD BLAMED FOR CHOPPING DOWN TREE

3RD CHILD AT WASHINGTON’S PLANTATION

MRS WASHINGTON

MR WASHINGTON

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

MRS LINCOLN

MAN WHO SHOUTS WARNING TO LINCOLN

JOHN WILKES BOOTH

PRODUCER

DIRECTOR

CAMERAMAN

MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr.

GENERAL DOUGLAS MacARTHUR

JOHN F. KENNEDY

JACQUI KENNEDY

LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON

MAN IN AUDIENCE talking to JOHNSON

TANYA MAKEPEACE: Reporter

CAMERAMAN

DON ARNOLDS: Reporter

1ST MALE “NINJA”

2ND MALE “NINJA”

FEMALE “NINJA”

MAN AT THE DOOR

RICHARD NIXON

JIMMY CARTER

MRS CARTER

SECURITY GUARD WITH CARTERS

PROPHYLACTIC MAN: Super hero

SILICONE WOMAN: Super hero

FAT MAN: Villain

FAT WOMAN

BUGGERY MAN: Super villain

SPEAKER

RONALD REAGAN

NANCY REAGAN

GEORGE SHULTZ

RONALD McDONALD

BRYANT GUMBAL

WILLARD SCOTT

GREG NORMAN

MARGARET THATCHER

DENIS THATCHER

BOB HAWK

JOHN HOWARD

BRUCE RUXTON: Ancient man, possibly drunk

GEORGE BUSH Snr.

BARBARA BUSH

SECURITY GUARD: Talking to GEORGE BUSH Snr.

PROFESSOR GOLIGHTLY

BILL CLINTON

HILLARY CLINTON

PERSONAL SECRETARY (GEORGE.): To CLINTONS

FEMALE FITNESS TRAINER: To BILL CLINTON

GORBIE JERKOFFALOT: Russian javelin-thrower

TV COMMENTATOR

1ST MEASURER, ZEKE

2ND MEASURER, JOE

“MAD DOG” BUSH

DOLE’S PERSONAL SECRETARY: Elderly man

EXTRAS
Extras in crowd around PAUL REVERE; Audience at FORD’S
THEATRE; two Good Old Boys; Other reporters while TANYA MAKEPEACE & DON are talking; people seated round table in Watergate Hotel;

CROWDS:
Surrounding MARTIN LUTHER KING; watching KENNEDY on stage; watching KENNEDY get assassinated; reporters interviewing RONALD REAGAN; audience around RONALD REAGAN, audience around WILLARD SCOTT, audience at Javelin arena, extra reporters when TANYA MAKEPEACE interviews “MAD DOG” BUSH.

INTERIOR SETS
THE WHITE HOUSE
— President’s office
— Corridor outside President’s office
— Living room with TV and sofa
— President’s bedroom

TELEPORT ROOM OF STARSHIP

FORD’S THEATRE
— stage
— private box

FILM SET

WAR ROOM IN PENTAGON

STAGE where MARTIN LUTHER KING is speaking to crowd
— rostrum at front of stage
— press area in front of stage

JFK’s MOTEL BEDROOM

STAGE where JOHN F. KENNEDY is speaking to crowd
— stage front
— backstage

STAGE where LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON is speaking to crowd
— rostrum at front of stage
— press area in front of stage

Inside DEMOCRATS’ conference room

STAGE where RICHARD NIXON is speaking to crowd
— rostrum at front of stage
— press area in front of stage

OLD WAREHOUSE
— main room
— toilet

STAGE for RONNIE’s press conference
— rostrum at front of stage
— press area in front of stage

NBC TODAY SHOW TV STUDIOS

MARGARET THATCHER’s bedroom

BOB HAWK’ s bedroom

STAGE where JOHN HOWARD & BRUCE RUXTON speak to crowd

TELEVISION NEWSROOM

STAGE where PROFESSOR GOLIGHTLY is interviewed by TANYA MAKEPEACE
— rostrum at front of stage
— press area in front of stage

TV COMMENTARY BOX

STAGE where “MAD DOG” BUSH is interviewed by TANYA MAKEPEACE.
— rostrum at front of stage
— press area in front of stage

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
OUTSIDE PAUL REVERE’S VILLAGE

GEORGE WASHINGTON’s parents’ plantation
— outside farm buildings
— plantation

Dallas where JOHN F. KENNEDY gets shot

Outside building “NINJAS” climb up
— At ground level
— Outside window many floors up

Outside JIMMY CARTER’s farmhouse

STREET WHERE PROPHYLACTIC MAN IS FIRST SEEN

STREET WHERE SILICONE WOMAN IS FIRST SEEN

Outside ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

Outside NBC TODAY SHOW studios

GOLF COURSE

FLOWER SHOW

GARDENS & STREET OUTSIDE WHITEHOUSE

OLYMPIC ATHLETICS TRACK

TEASER:

FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE SMALL VILLAGE — NIGHT
A small crowd of people are gathered before a man on horseback.

NARRATOR
This film is meant to be a scathing indictment…
(Half a beat.)
Er, um, that is, a tribute to American presidents from George Washington right through to modern times…
(Half a beat.)
But no look at the American presidency would be complete without first looking at how the USA gained its freedom from British rule, crying, “No Taxation Without Representation”.
(Half a beat.)
The fact that America won the War of Independence, was due in no small part to the gallant midnight ride of PAUL REVERE.   Who rode out into the night with two lanterns to warn if the British were coming.

PAUL REVERE (Holding up two kerosene lanterns.)
Remember, the signal that I shall give when the British are coming is, one if by land and two if by sea.

1ST WOMAN IN CROWD (Raising her right hand.)
What if they come by air, by helicopter?

1ST MAN IN CROWD
Or by Jumbo jet?

2ND WOMAN IN CROWD
Or by Sabre jet?

2ND MAN IN CROWD
Or by Sopwith Camel?

3RD WOMAN IN CROWD
Or by V2 rocket?

3RD MAN IN CROWD
What if they come overland in a wooden horse, pulled by a thousand near-naked Greek maidens?

EVERYONE (Except 3rd Man.)
Ah shut up!

2ND MAN IN CROWD
What if they come by Fokker?

4TH WOMAN IN CROWD
Or under the sea by submarine?

4TH MAN IN CROWD
What if they beam down from the Starship Enterprise?

1ST WOMAN IN CROWD (Raising her hand again.)
What if the SAS parachutes down?

1ST MAN IN CROWD
Or if they come across land and sea by hovercraft?

3RD MAN IN CROWD
What if they come riding on the back of Pegasus, the winged horse?

EVERYONE IN CROWED (Except 3rd Man.)
Ah shut up!

4TH WOMAN IN CROWD
Or what if they hitch a ride with the Valkyries?

1ST MAN IN CROWD
Or with the Harpies?

3RD WOMAN IN CROWD
What if they come across land driving eighteen-wheelers?

3RD MAN IN CROWD
Or if they drill under the ground using some weird kind of monstrous robotic boring device?

PAUL REVERE
It can’t be any more boring than him!

1ST WOMAN IN CROWD
What if they use psychic powers to somehow transport themselves here in the blinking of an eye?

EXT. OUTSIDE VILLAGE — NIGHT — A SHORT TIME LATER
Paul Revere is now looking thoroughly bored listening to the crowd.

1ST WOMAN IN CROWD
Or what if they come by hot-air balloon?

1ST MAN IN CROWD
Or abseiling?

Paul Revere holds up his hands to silence the crowd.

PAUL REVERE
All right, already, so here’s the revised plan.

Paul Revere now has seemingly hundreds of lanterns tied to his horse and to a packhorse he is leading.

PAUL REVERE
One if by land, two if by sea, three if they tunnel under the ground with some weird kind of monstrous robotic boring device…
(Half a beat.)
Four if by helicopter…
(Half a beat.)
Five if by hot-air balloon…
(Half a beat.)
Six if by jumbo jet…
(Half a beat.)
Seven if by le Concorde….

3RD MAN IN CROWD (With bogus French accent.)
Viva le France!

EVERYONE (Except 3rd Man.)
Ah shut up!

PAUL REVERE
Eight if by Sopwith camel…
(Half a beat.)
Nine if by sabre jet…
(Half a beat.)
Ten if they come abseiling….

EXT. OUTSIDE VILLAGE — NIGHT — A SHORT TIME LATER

PAUL REVERE
123 if by submarine…
(Half a beat.)
124 if by hovercraft…
(Half a beat.)
125 if they come in a wooden horse pulled by a thousand near naked Greek maidens….

Everyone turns to glare at 3rd Man In Crowd.

PAUL REVERE
126 if by….

EXT. OUTSIDE VILLAGE — NIGHT — A SHORT TIME LATER

PAUL REVERE
297 if they come barrelling across country in eighteen-wheelers…
(Half a beat.)
298 if they come by Jeep Cherokee…
(Half a beat.)
299 if they come riding on the back of Pegasus…
(Half a beat.)
300 if they hitch a ride with the Valkyries…
(Half a beat.)
301 if they parachute down from the Harpies….

EXT. OUTSIDE VILLAGE — NIGHT — A SHORT TIME LATER

PAUL REVERE
417 if they come by space shuttle…
(Half a beat.)
418 if they use psychic powers to transport themselves here in the blinking of an eye…
(Half a beat.)
419 if they beam down from the Starship Enterprise.
(He sighs from frustration.)
Now are there any more problems before I set out?

1ST WOMAN IN CROWD
Just one…
(Half a beat.)
‘Ow’re we supposed to know ‘ow many lanterns you light?   None of us ‘ere can count?

PAUL REVERE (Frustrated.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Beam me up now, Scotty!

His image begins to flicker, then fades out slowly.

INT. STARSHIP ENTERPRISE — LIT — TRANSPORTER ROOM

MR SCOT
Welcome aboard, laddie.

PAUL REVERE
For God’s sake, SCOTTY, I was only joking!

MR SCOT
Sorry, laddie, my mistake.

He starts fiddling with the transporter controls.

Paul Revere’s image flickers and fades out again.

EXT. OUTSIDE SMALL VILLAGE — NIGHT
villagers staring at Paul Revere’s riderless horse.

1ST WOMAN IN CROWD
Where the heck did he go?

3RD MAN IN CROWD
Those damn British and their psychic powers.   This is something we didn’t allow for.   Instead of transporting themselves here, they’ve grabbed him!

EVERYONE (Except 3rd Man.)
Ah shut up!

Paul Revere suddenly materialises aboard his horse, which WHINNIES in fright and takes off at full pelt into the surrounding forest.

PAUL REVERE
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

1ST WOMAN IN CROWD
Gee, he sure left in a hurry, didn’t he?

3RD MAN IN CROWD
I wonder if it was something I said?

EVERYONE (Except 3rd Man.)
Ah shut up!

FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.

NARRATOR
Jesus, it was just as well the British weren’t clever enough to think to beam down from the Starship Enterprise, or America would’ve had no chance…!
(Half a beat.)
Stupid Limmies!   I told them they orta beam down from the Starship Enterprise…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, what I meant to say was….

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
INT. INSIDE WHITE HOUSE — DAY
In b/g while Narrator talks, GEORGE WASHINGTON sits at a large wooden desk, reading a newspaper.

Then later he takes out a pack of cards and starts playing solitaire.

Finally he sits twiddling his thumbs.

NARRATOR
Incredibly, somehow, despite Paul Revere, the Americans still managed to win the War of Independence…
(Half a beat.)
Our greatest general in that war, later President, was George Washington…
(Half a beat.)
Washington resigned after eight years, claiming he was bored to tears sitting round twiddling his thumbs all day in the White House.   As a consequence, the election period for US presidents became four years.   Half that which Washington had chosen to serve, since lesser presidents should only serve half as long as the great man….
(Half a beat.)
But Washington is often remembered more for a reported incident with a cherry tree, which occurred on his parents’ plantation, when he was only a boy.

EXT. SMALL PLANTATION — DAY
Young George Washington and two other boys are standing around a cherry tree, which has been chopped down.

George’s parents come running across and stare at the tree.

MRS WASHINGTON
Oh my goodness, someone has chopped down our cherry tree.   Was it one of you boys?

MR WASHINGTON
Well, you can’t blame him if it was.   It’s every boy’s right to pluck at least one cherry in his life.

MRS WASHINGTON (Glaring at her husband.)
Huh!
(Back at boys.)
But whatever shall we eat to sustain us through the long, hard winter ahead?

ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE ORCHARD BEHIND THEM

MR WASHINGTON
Let’s see, there’s the oranges, or the apples, the watermelons or pineapples, the strawberries or squashes, the cucumbers or lettuces.
(Half a beat.)
There’s the rock melons or the pears, the peaches or the plums…
(Half a beat.)
The damsons or the satsumas, the turnips or the pumpkins.
(Half a beat.)
There’s the bananas or the dates, the mangoes or the grapes…
(Half a beat.)
The black currents or the peanuts, the cashews or the litchi nuts, the red peppers or the Pandanus fruit.
(Half a beat.)
There’s the kiwi fruit, or the lemons, the limes or the zucchinis…
(Half a beat.)
The blueberries or the boysenberries, the yams or the potatoes, the tomatoes or the celery….

MRS WASHINGTON (Shouting.)
All right already!   Jesus, I was trying to make a point, okay?

MR WASHINGTON
Oh right, exactly.
(To boys.)
All right, which one of you boys chopped down our cherry tree?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
I cannot tell a lie.

He holds out his right hand with a hatchet in it, to point toward one of the other boys.

GEORGE WASHINGTON
He did it!

MRS WASHINGTON (Grabbing boy by the ear.)
Right, come along with me.
(She starts dragging him away.)
You’re in for a damn good thrashing.

BOY
But I’m innocent, honestly.

MR WASHINGTON
That’s what they all say.   Lying won’t help you now.

Mr and Mrs Washington walk away leading the protesting boy.

3RD BOY (To George.)
Hey wait a minute.   I thought you said you cannot tell a lie?

GEORGE WASHINGTON
Yeah, but I was lying when I said that.

NARRATOR
After this came a whole heap of fascinating presidents…
(Half a beat.)
No actually that’s a lie.   Most of them were boring nonentities…
(Half a beat.)
So we’re jumping ahead to Abraham Lincoln, commonly known as Honest Abe…
(Half a beat.)
Except when he was cheating at cards.

INT. FORD’S THEATRE — EVENING — PRIVATE BOX
where MRS LINCOLN is seated.   Her husband stands
beside her.

ABE LINCOLN (Shouting toward stage.)
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!
(He sits and turns to his wife.)
God the theatre is dull these days…
(Half a beat.)
I can’t wait till John Logie Baird invents television.

JOHN WILKES BOOTH is creeping up behind them.

A man LHS of shot sees Booth first.

MAN (Pointing toward Booth.)
Holy shit, look out!

ABE starts to turn round, too late as Booth fires.

ABE LINCOLN (Shouting.)
Ah, he got me!

He crashes to the floor of the box.

INT. FORD’S THEATRE — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
Mrs Lincoln is standing looking down at her husband
as medics prepare to take him away.

MRS LINCOLN
It’s the old codger’s own stupid fault.   I told him we should have stayed home tonight watching television.

PAN OUT to include DIRECTOR and PRODUCER standing
together.   Both are men in their fifties or early sixties.   Beside them is a CAMERAMAN in his early thirties.

PRODUCER
What do you mean watching television?

DIRECTOR
There wasn’t any television in 1865.

MRS LINCOLN
There wasn’t?

DIRECTOR
No, of course not.   TV didn’t come along until the 1920s.

PRODUCER
At least.   1949 might be more like it.

DIRECTOR (Frustrated.)
What I meant was that John Logie Baird didn’t invent TV until 1925.

PRODUCER
I didn’t know that John Logie Baird invented TV in 1925?

DIRECTOR
Oh yes.   Except, of course, in Italy where Marconi claimed to have invented it in 1924, but didn’t bother to tell anyone.

PRODUCER
Right, good, but the point is that they didn’t have TV in 1865.

DIRECTOR
Only in Italy.

PRODUCER
Shut up!

MRS LINCOLN
Then what did people do for entertainment back in the 1860s?

DIRECTOR
They stayed home and listened to their CDs, mini-cassettes, and DVDs.

PRODUCER
Don’t be a complete dork, CDs and cassettes didn’t come out till at least the 1970s, and DVDs in the late 1990s.

DIRECTOR
Then how did they listen to their favourite Elvis or Beatles songs?

PRODUCER
Look don’t be a total geek.   Elvis didn’t even invent rock-and-roll music until the 1970s.   Then the Beatles came along in the ’80s, then Michael Jackson and Madonna in the ’90s.

DIRECTOR
Is that right?

PRODUCER
Yes.
(He sighs from frustration.)
If there’s anything I hate it’s a bozo who doesn’t know anything about the history of rock and roll.

MRS LINCOLN
Then what did people do with their evenings in the 1860s?

PRODUCER
They stayed home listening to the radio.

DIRECTOR
Or went to bed early and had constant sex.

Mrs Lincoln looks at Abe Lincoln as they finally carry him out.

MRS LINCOLN
Well, in our case they stayed home and listened to the radio!

Abe lifts his head off the stretcher for a second and stares at her.

ABE LINCOLN
Huh!

INSERT — W.W.II FOOTAGE
In the b/g run b/w World War Two footage.

NARRATOR
America’s longest-serving president, of course, was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who served for twelve years, from 1933 to 1945.   During which time he helped to defeat the evil fascist dictator rampaging across Europe at that time.

INSERT — PHOTO OF WINSTON CHURCHILL

CHURCHILL O/S
We shall not flag or fail.   We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be.   We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall never surrender.

NARRATOR
Whoops!   Wrong fascist dictator.

INSERT — PHOTO OF MARGARET THATCHER

NARRATOR
No, that’s not the evil fascist dictator who rampaged across Europe…
(Half a beat.)
Well, not in the 1930s and ’40s anyway.

INSERT — PHOTO OF TONY BLAIR

NARRATOR
No, keep trying.

INSERT — PHOTO OF ADOLF HITLER
NARRATOR
Shit this water is hot…
(Half a beat.)
I mean “Eureka I have found it”.

INSERT — W.W.II FOOTAGE
In the b/g run b/w World War Two footage.

NARRATOR
Since the early 1930s the evil, fascist dictator, Adolf Hitler had been building up military might to begin his evil world-conquest plan…
(Half a beat.)
On reflexion I guess you might wonder why England and America didn’t realise what he was planning.   I mean when he was holding rallies of hundreds of thousands of soldiers in SA uniforms singing the Horst Wessell song and loudly declaring at every possibly occasion….

INSERT — B/W FOOTAGE OF ADOLF HITLER
(RANTING AND RAGING in German, subtitled:)

HITLER
We will take over the world…!
(Half a beat.)
We will conquer the world…!
(Half a beat.)
We will dominate and subjugate the world!

NARRATOR
With hindsight it should have been pretty obvious as early as 1933 that he was up to no-good.   But when asked why they hadn’t realised prior to 1939 what Hitler was planning, GENERAL DOUGLAS MacARTHUR had this to say.

INT. WAR ROOM IN PENTAGON — DAY
GENERAL MacARTHUR, sitting with pipe in mouth, at a
blackwood desk.   On wall behind him are two great crossed Stars-and-Stripes.

GEN. MacARTHUR (Removing pipe from his mouth.)
Well, gee whiz, we just never thought of it.   I mean after the big meeting between Hitler and that Limmie guy, they both promised “Peace in our Time”.   And who were we to doubt them…?
(Half a beat.)
I mean one minute it was “peace on”.   The next minute it was “peace off”.

INSERT — W.W.II FOOTAGE
In the b/g run b/w World War Two footage.

NARRATOR
But finally the world did wake up to what was going on in 1939, after Hitler annexed Poland.   Er, well, um, that is, most of the world recognised what Hitler was up to in 1939.   But for reasons too embarrassing to go into in this movie, America still failed to see that anything was amiss.

INT. WAR ROOM IN PENTAGON — DAY
GENERAL MacARTHUR, sitting with pipe in mouth at desk.

GEN. MacARTHUR (Removing pipe from mouth.)
It’s not that we were afraid of the Nazis, or too chicken-shit to honour our pledges with the Limmies, you understand.   It was just that we didn’t see the need to stop Hitler at that time…
(Half a beat.)
Although poor old Georgie Patton did have diarrhoea for more than a month after hearing the Krauts had taken Poland.   But the rest of us weren’t worried.
(Sounding terrified.)
Well, I mean, that is, not really scared or anything.   Okay, so we shat ourselves occasionally, but that can happen to anyone.   Particularly at our age.   Anyone can fail to make it to the can once in a while, and old Georgie was notoriously incontinent all his life…
(Half a beat.)
I mean, Jesus you didn’t want to be trapped next to him inside a tank…
(Half a beat.)
Besides, so what if Hitler had conquered Poland…
(Half a beat.)
France, Czechoslovakia, and two-thirds of Europe?
(Half a beat.)
The important thing was that he hadn’t attacked us yet.   And with the Atlantic Ocean between Europe and America, we were all right.   I mean he would’ve had to conquer Canada before he could touch us.   And let’s face it; what’s Canada to us?   If the worst came to the worst Canada was expendable.

NARRATOR
What about Alaska?   If they came by land or sea, the Germans would have had to conquer Alaska before reaching Canada.

GEN. MacARTHUR (Puzzled.)
So what’s your point exactly?

INSERT — W.W.II FOOTAGE
In the b/g run b/w World War Two footage.

NARRATOR
But finally America did get off its fat ass…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, finally America did enter the war, more than two years late, after the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941.   After which the United States finally went to war…
(Half a beat.)
Against Germany…
(Half a beat.)
Although why we went to war against Germany when it was Japan that bombed Pearl, is anybody’s guess?   Try to figure!   I guess that’s why the rest of the world calls us jerks…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, the rest of the world calls us Yanks.

INT. WAR ROOM IN PENTAGON — DAY
GENERAL MacARTHUR, sitting with pipe in mouth at desk.

GEN. MacARTHUR (Removing pipe from mouth.)
So we set out for Germany, straight after the bombing of Pearl Harbor by the Japanese brought us into the War…
(Half a beat.)
Try to figure.   And we almost got there too, but those damned Ruskies just beat us by a couple of days.   What a let down.   All those French art treasures we were hoping to loot…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, all those French art treasures we meant to liberate and return to France for a substantial ransom…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is, reward.   Except the damn reds beat us to ‘em.   No wonder we wouldn’t have a bar of détente for forty years after the war.
(Half a beat.)
Of course, I had been saying since the bombing of Pearl that we orta be fighting the War in the Pacific to stop the Japs from taking Singapore, the Philippines, or even Australia.   I suggested deploying hundreds of thousands of US troops conveniently close to the region…
(Half a beat.)
In Brisbane, Sydney or Melbourne preferably.   That way we could be out of the direct line of fire, while keeping a close eye on things.
(Half a beat.)
And of course, most importantly of all…
(Half a beat.)
We’d have the opportunity in those depressed times to impress the Aussie broads, or sheilas as they call them Down Under, and help ourselves to all the prime Aussie pussy we could handle…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, while keeping one eye on the war, just in case we ever had to actually do any fighting.   Which we all hoped would be unlikely.   Finally in May 1942 I got my wish and was appointed Supreme Commander of all Allied Troops in the South-West Pacific.   And as soon as we landed at Brisbane it became obvious that it wasn’t a day too soon….
(Half a beat.)
Those Aussie sheilas were dying to get laid by every GI Joe with a few bucks in his pocket.   Man what a party we had over the next three years!   Booze, broads and safe from the dangers of the war…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, while keeping one eye on the war, just in case we were ever actually needed to do any fighting.   But fortunately that never eventuated.   When the Japs finally did turn up in Darwin, we left the Aussie men to do all the fighting while we guzzled their booze and helped ourselves to all that prime Aussie wad….
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, while keeping one eye on the war, just in case we were ever actually needed.   Which fortunately never eventuated, because the Aussies were better fighters than us anyway.   I mean why not, it was their bloody country, why the hell should we care if the Japanese overran it?   Just so long as we got our share of Aussie beer and prime Aussie poontang laid on by a bevy of ready, willing and eager Aussie broads.

NARRATOR
Thus the evil dictator was vanquished.

VERY CLOSE ON MacArthur.

NARRATOR
No, no, you idiot, the wrong fascist dictator!

INSERT — PHOTO OF WINSTON CHURCHILL

NARRATOR
I repeat, the wrong fascist dictator!

INSERT — PHOTO OF RICHARD NIXON

NARRATOR
The wrong fascist dictator!

INSERT — PHOTO OF MARGARET THATCHER

NARRATOR (Shouting.)
It’s still the wrong fascist dictator!

INSERT — PHOTO OF JOHN MAJOR
NARRATOR
Get real, that’s more like a fascist potato, than a dictator!

INSERT — PHOTO OF RONALD REAGAN

NARRATOR
Now that’s more like it!   That’s what I call an evil fascist dictator!

INT. STAGE — DAY
Crowd of people standing watching a black man on stage.

NARRATOR
But there was one group of Americans whom the presidents since the civil war had let down…
(Half a beat.)
Ha ha ha!   Did I say one group!   Jesus, what an understatement that was!   They let down the whole fuckin’ lot of us…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, if there was one group in particular that American presidents after Honest Abe Lincoln let down…
(Half a beat.)
More than the rest of us.   It was the Afro-Americans.
(Half a beat.)
Despite being officially freed from slavery with the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation on the afternoon of New Years Day 1863, a century later in the 1960s, most American blacks were still little more than slaves.   They were still expected to work from “Can’t see in the morning till can’t see at night,” for little more than pocket money.   In many states they were deliberately kept illiterate so they couldn’t vote….
(Half a beat.)
As a reaction against this, in the 1960s arose to prominence many great black leaders such as Malcolm X and MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr.

CLOSE ON speaker, Martin Luther King Jr.

MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr.
(Spreading his hands wide/Shouting.)
Last night, I had a dream…!
(Half a beat.)
I had a dream!   It was about Bridget Bardot…!
(Half a beat.)
In this dream Bridget Bardot was stark naked…
(Half a beat.)
She was standing with her arms spread wide in invitation, and she was running full-pelt toward me…
(Half a beat.)
And I was stark naked too…
(Half a beat.)
With my arms spread wide, running full-pelt toward her and.
(He suddenly stops and looks very embarrassed.)
Er, well, um, that is, what I meant to say was….

MAN IN THE CROWD (Shouting.)
Go on then, tell us what happened next?

WIFE OF MAN IN CROWD (Elbowing him in the ribs.)
Shut up, you pervert.

MAN IN THE CROWD (Indignant.)
Well, I just wanna know what happened next.

MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr.
Er, well, um, that is, have you ever heard the expression “The Big Bang Theory”?

MAN IN THE CROWD
Yes?

MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr.
Well, that was what happened next.   Except that there was nothing theoretical about it…
(Half a beat.)
Except, I guess one or two of the positions we tried were physically impossible…
(Half a beat.)
Unless you happen to be an eight-tentacled gastropod living in the fifth-dimension.

Man In The Crowd and Wife Of Man In Crowd both look puzzled.

MAN IN THE CROWD (To his wife.)
Is he talking about Richard Nixon?

WIFE OF MAN IN CROWD
I’m not sure…
(Half a beat.)
Hmmm, could be.

NARRATOR
After Roosevelt probably the most famous president of the twentieth century would be John Fitzgerald Kennedy…
(Half a beat.)
Almost as famous as his Beautiful wife Jacqueline Bouvier-Kennedy-Onassis-McGhee…
(Half a beat.)
Actually I just threw in the McGhee to be funny.   JFK and Jacki-O, as she was later named, were married in 1953.   The same year that Elvis cut his first record, “My Happiness”, at Memphis Sun…
(Half a beat.)
Although, um, er, that probably isn’t very relevant to the course of this film on reflexion.   I really just threw it in, in the hope of luring fans of the King to come and see this movie.

INT. MOTEL BEDROOM — EARLY MORNING
On the bed JFK is sitting up staring lecherously at JACKI who, dressed in see-through nightie, is standing by the open window.

JACKI
Sex!   Sex!   Sex!   Sex!   That’s all you ever think about!   Sometimes I think you only married me for my pussy, my tits, and my mouth!

JOHN F. KENNEDY considers this in silence.

JACKI
Well?   What have you got to say for yourself?

JOHN F. KENNEDY (Shaking head.)
Sorry, dear, what was that?   I wasn’t listening.   I was distracted by noticing that when you stand in front of the open window like that, the sun shines right through your nightie…
(Half a beat.)
Allowing me to see everything you’ve got.

JACKI
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Their bedroom door suddenly bursts open.   In the doorway stand two hicks wearing coveralls, and straw hats and carrying pitchforks.

JACKI
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

She races across and grabs the quilt off the bed to cover herself with.

JACKI
Oh God, we’re being invaded by Good Old Boys!

JOHN F. KENNEDY
And you were worried about the Coneheads!

Jacki considers this remark for a moment.

JACKI
Yeah that’s true.   The Coneheads aren’t nearly so frightening as….

SUPERIMPOSE (flashing.):
 ”THE GOOD OLD BOYS!”

NARRATOR (Booming.)
The Good Old Boys, coming soon to a cinema near you…
(Half a beat.)
Be afraid!   Be very very afraid!

INT. STAGE — DAY
Crowd of people watching a stage.

After a moment John F. Kennedy walks onto stage and walks across to the microphone.

JOHN F. KENNEDY
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.   Ding-dong…!
(Half a beat.)
No, wait a minute, that’s not what I meant to say.

Jacki Kennedy is sitting at the back of the stage, with other dignitaries.

JACKI (Slapping her forehead with a hand.)
Oy vay!   I knew he’d forget his lines again.

JOHN F. KENNEDY
What I meant to say was, ask not what you can do for America.   But rather what America can do for you.

JACKI
Mother was right, she told me not to marry this tookus…
(Half a beat.)
I knew I should’ve married Anthony Quinn instead.

JOHN F. KENNEDY
No, no that’s not right either.   What I meant to say is, “It is better to receive than to give.”

Jacki hides her head in her hands.

JOHN F. KENNEDY
No, no, what I meant to say is “It’s not how you play the game that counts, but whether you win or lose!”…
(Half a beat.)
That’s the American way of doing things!

CHEERING FROM THE CROWD.

FREEZE FRAME.

NARRATOR
John F. Kennedy’s great accomplishments as president included.   Er, well, um, that is…
(Half a beat.)
Almost starting World War Three over the Bay of Pigs incident…
(Half a beat.)
Er, marrying Jacki Bouvier-Kennedy-Onassis.   Before anyone else got to marry her…
(Half a beat.)
Er, um, and of course, getting shot dead by the CIA.

EXT. MAJOR ROAD, DALLAS — DAY
Cavalcade of limousines driving slowly, people standing twenty-deep watching.

John F. Kennedy and Jacki are in the back of one limo.

GUN SHOT and a man beside John F. Kennedy is shot, splattering blood across John F. Kennedy and Jacki.

JACKI (Shouting.)
Oh my God!
(Calmly.)
We’d better stop into a Laundromat quickly.   Blood is so hard to shift if you let it set.

JOHN F. KENNEDY (Shouting.)
Ha, ha!   You missed me!

A SECOND SHOT rings out and John F. Kennedy slumps forward across the front seat.

JACKI
What a retardo!   I warned him not to try to investigate the CIA…!
(Half a beat.)
It’s one thing trying to take on the Mafia, the Ku Klux Klan, or the Nazis…
(Half a beat.)
But only a real Dork-asaurus takes on the CIA.

INT. STAGE — DAY

JOHNSON
I am completely satisfied, as is congress, that John F. Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone.

A reporter, TANYA MAKEPEACE, is in the audience.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So you don’t think the CIA had anything to do with the death of President Kennedy?

JOHNSON
I refuse to answer that question, on the grounds they might eliminate me!

NARRATOR
After the assassination of Kennedy, Lyndon Baines Johnson took over as president, ruling for six years, from 1963 to 1969.   Johnson’s main accomplishment was to make sure that America was never again ridiculed, as we had been after World Wars I and II, by our allies for turning up late to a war.   In fact when Johnson sent America into the Vietnam War in the mid 1960s, we got there so early we beat everyone else there…
(Half a beat.)
Because the war hadn’t even started yet.

JOHNSON
I am not merely sending America into Vietnam in some crazy world-domination plot like the one the Nazis tried before me, as many people are saying!   But also…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, America has a sacred duty as the leader of the Democratic world to declare war on communism and stamp it out wherever we see it…
(Half a beat.)
Whether it is really there or not.

MAN IN AUDIENCE
But surely no country on Earth has the right to tell another country what politics it’s allowed to pursue?

JOHNSON
Er, well, um, that may be so.   However, it is our sworn, democratic duty to try to stamp out world communism….

MAN IN AUDIENCE
But how can it be our democratic duty to interfere in the political infrastructure of another country?   Surely we can’t be the leaders of the democratic world, and still declare war on communism…?
(Half a beat.)
Because the whole point of democracy is that everyone should have the right to decide how he or she want to live their own lives…?
(Half a beat.)
So strictly speaking America can’t even be part of the democratic world if we declare war on communism?
(Half a beat.)
We might not approve of communism in this country, but surely it is the inalienable right of all the peoples of the world to decide the form of their own government.   Not have it dictated to them by the United States…?
(Half a beat.)
So if some people want to live under communism, that is their democratic right.   And it would be totalitarianism, and undemocratic, for us to try to stop them from living under a democratically run communist system.

JOHNSON
Er, well, um…
(Half a beat.)
What are you, some kind of commie-lover or something?

MAN IN AUDIENCE (Indignant.)
No, I am not!

JOHNSON
I bet you are!   I bet you’ve read everything Marx ever wrote?

MAN IN CROWD
No, I have not!   The only Marx I’ve ever read, was “Harpo Speaks”…
(Half a beat.)
And most of that was bullshit in my opinion!

NARRATOR
After Johnson came RICHARD NIXON.   Better known as “Tricky Dicky”, due to a long career in politics which earnt him a reputation for integrity comparable only to that of wheel-clampers or Californian cops.

EXT. LARGE STREET — NIGHT
Three people dressed in black, looking like caricatures of “Ninjas”, with mountaineering gear, stand out front of a skyscraper.

They look both ways up and down the street.

1ST MALE NINJA
What’re you think?

FEMALE NINJA
Piece of cake.

2ND MALE NINJA
I hope so, I like cake.

1ST MALE NINJA/FEMALE NINJA
Shut up!

1ST MALE NINJA
All right, let’s go.

He takes mountaineering gear from his backpack and starts hammering a spigot into the wall of the building.

Play part of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME.

EXT. SIDE OF BUILDING — NIGHT
Three “Ninjas” have stopped outside a window many floors up.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME still playing.

FEMALE NINJA (Looking about herself, puzzled.)
Hey they’re still playing that damn music in the background.

2ND MALE NINJA
It must be the extended play version.

1ST MALE NINJA/FEMALE NINJA
Shut up!

1ST MALE NINJA
Now as long as we’re careful, we should be able to enter without anyone suspecting we’re here.

2ND MALE NINJA
Goodie.

1ST MALE NINJA/FEMALE NINJA
Shut up!

1st Male Ninja starts working on the side of the window with a series of picklocks.

After a few seconds 1st Male Ninja slides the window open and climbs in.

1ST MALE NINJA O/S
Hmmm, that’s strange.

FEMALE NINJA
What is it?

1ST MALE NINJA O/S
I’ve climbed onto something smooth, hard and wooden, at about waist height.

INT. INSIDE THE ROOM — NIGHT, UNLIT
Female Ninja climbs in through window, followed by 2nd Male Ninja.

Suddenly the lights go on.

INT. INSIDE THE ROOM — NIGHT, LIT
The three Ninjas are kneeling on a large, hardwood table, around which sit six or eight people in business suits.   A man is standing by the door, with his hand on the light switch.

There is a banner on the wall saying, “DEMOCRATS ELECTION CONFERENCE ROOM”.

The Ninjas look shocked.

MAN AT THE DOOR
What the hell is going on here?

1st Male Ninja and Female Ninja both look alarmed.

2nd Male Ninja looking alarmed, then suddenly looks inspiration-struck.

2ND MALE NINJA
Avon calling.

INT. STAGE — DAY
Richard Nixon on stage, being grilled by reporters; including Tanya Makepeace.

RICHARD NIXON (Emphatic.)
I am not a crook.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Who’s he trying to kid?

RICHARD NIXON
No, honestly, I am not a crook.   I might be an embezzler, a blackmailer, a fraud, a charlatan, and a phoney.   I might be guilty of lying, espionage against my own people, deceit and deception.   But I am not a crook.   You can take my word for that.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
This from a man who admits to being a liar, deceiver, fraud, and a phoney…
(Half a beat.)
Just how do you define a crook, Mr President?

RICHARD NIXON
A bad person, who would do things that I would never do.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So anything you do is okay, because you do it?   But anything your opponents do is crooked?

RICHARD NIXON
Exactly, I’m glad we see eye-to-eye on this one, Tanya.

INSERT — PHOTO OF GERALD FORD

NARRATOR
After Richard Nixon was indicted…
(Half a beat.)
Oh no, the crook beat the rap, didn’t he?   Well, anyway, after Nixon came Gerald Ford…
(Half a beat.)
And that’s enough said about him.

EXT. PEANUT FARM — DAY

NARRATOR
After Ford came JIMMY CARTER.

From a barn beside the farmhouse comes a farmer, dressed in blue coveralls, carrying a pitchfork, and with a peanut for a head.

NARRATOR
Also known as Ol’ Peanut, or Mr Peanut-Head.

INT. WHITE HOUSE — EVENING — CORRIDOR
MRS CARTER and SECURITY GUARD walking toward a door.

Security Guard opens the door, then stands back for Mrs Carter and follows her through.

INT. LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Mrs Carter enters followed by Security Guard.

In the room already is Jimmy Carter, sitting on the floor, seemingly colouring in a children’s colouring book.

SECURITY GUARD
Oh my God!   The poor old bastard must have completely flipped out to Wig-City!   He must be completely senile to be filling in a colouring book!

MRS CARTER (Angry.)
How dare you say such a thing!   He is not filling in a colouring book!

SECURITY GUARD
Then what’s he doing?   Joining up the dots?

MRS CARTER
He’s not filling in a colouring book or joining up the dots!

SECURITY GUARD
Then what’s he doing, playing Tic-Tac-Toe…?
(Half a beat.)
It sure looks like he’s filling in a colouring book.

MRS CARTER
It may be what it looks like he’s doing, but it’s not!

SECURITY GUARD
Then what’s he doing?   Go on; answer that one if you can, Mrs Smarty-Pants!

MRS CARTER (Indignant.)
He’s working out a blueprint to pump billions of dollars into the American economy.

SECURITY GUARD
All that just by joining the dots?   I don’t believe it!

MRS CARTER
For the umpteenth and last time, he is not joining the dots…!
(Half a beat.)
He is working out a way to revolutionise the U.S. film industry, by inventing two new superheroes.

EXT. OPEN STREET — DAY
Standing in the street is a superhero in a cobalt-blue uniform with a yellow hexagon on the front, with a green letter P in the hexagon.

MRS CARTER O/S
PROPHYLACTIC MAN!   Who has a permanent erection.   Which he uses as a battering ram to break down doors to get at criminals…
(Half a beat.)
And SILICONE WOMAN.

EXT. ANOTHER STREET — DAY
Silicone Woman is wearing a skin-tight, black translucent body stocking, with a transparent white letter S over her enormous breasts.
MRS CARTER V/O
Who has enormous knockers, which she uses to smother criminals into submission.

INT. WHITE HOUSE LIVING ROOM — EVENING

SECURITY GUARD
Which orta take all of two seconds with most criminals…
(Half a beat.)
Well, I gotta hand it to Mr Carter, he’s really thought up something special there.

MRS CARTER
So you think Prophylactic Man is a winner?

SECURITY GUARD
No, but Silicone Woman sure is.   Hubba hubba!
(He does a wolf-whistle.)
Oh boy!   She could smother me any day of the week.

MRS CARTER
I wish someone had!   Preferably your mother at birth!

EXT. OPEN STREET — DAY
Silicone Woman standing in profile.

SECURITY GUARD O/S
Wow, talk about surgically implanted bowling balls.

MRS CARTER O/S
Who mentioned Dolly Parton…?
(Half a beat.)
Silicone Woman’s enormous knockers can also be used like boxing gloves to beat up villains.

SECURITY GUARD O/S
And I bet they never fight back.   Well, only with their tongues.

Silicone Woman suddenly looks startled.   She jumps forward then spins round to face Prophylactic Man, who is standing close behind her, his massive erection, aimed at her ass.

SILICONE WOMAN
Hey!   Watch where you’re sticking that thing!   You’re supposed to knock down doors with it…
(Half a beat.)
Not back doors!

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Sorry, Pamela…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, Silicone Woman.

She starts to turn round again, and then steps away from him a little.

SILICONE WOMAN
So what’s the matter this season, Prophylactic Man?

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Another emergency requiring our urgent attention….

SILICONE WOMAN (Frustrated.)
Well, of course there’s another emergency urgently requiring our attention, dummy.   After all it’s a brand new season of episodes.   Jesus it’s be a pretty boring series if we didn’t have an emergency urgently requiring our attention!   What a great show that would make, “Prophylactic Man and Silicone Woman sit around twiddling their thumbs for yet another season”.   Wowee…!
(Half a beat.)
At least the “anti-everything mob”, and the “league opposed to everything” would be happy.   There’d be no sex, no violence, no action, and no entertainment.   None of the things they hate to see on TV.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Are you quite finished?

SILICONE WOMAN
No, I’m not, and don’t interrupt while I’m tirading against someone.   You can be so rude sometimes.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Shut up!   Jesus, why that idiot, Carter, wanted to make up you is beyond me.   I would’ve been perfectly happy teaming up with Wonder Woman.

SILICONE WOMAN
Wonder Woman?   That old slag!

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
She is not an old slag!   And she’s got even bigger knockers than yours.   Well, she did when Lynda Carter played her.

SILICONE WOMAN
So what?   She’s been around for about eighty years now, so they’re probably sagging down to her knees by now.   I can just see her kneeing herself in the tits every time she walks.
(She stoops and walks a few paces.)
Ouch!   Ouch!   Ouch!   Ouch!   Ouch!
(She straightens again.)
That’s how the poor old dear goes when she’s limping after the villains these days.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
She does not!

SILICONE WOMAN
Wonder Grannie they call her now.   Just pray she doesn’t drop her walking stick, or she’ll be in real trouble.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Wonder Grannie…
(Half a beat.)
I mean Wonder Woman does not use a walking stick!

SILICONE WOMAN
Of course not, my apologies.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
That’s more like it.

SILICONE WOMAN
Just pray she doesn’t fall over her walking-frame when she’s tottering after the villains.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Are you quite finished Nag-Alot Woman?

SILICONE WOMAN
That’s Silicone Woman!   Yeah I guess I’m finished, for now…
(Half a beat.)
So what’s the great emergency this season, blockhead?   Or is it going to be another whole season devoted entirely to hooter-and-fanny jokes?

Prophylactic Man looks angry for a moment, and then starts to look pleased.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Hey, come to think of it, that’s not be a bad idea.   People never tire of hooter-and-fanny jokes.   And if things start to tail off a bit….

Silicone Woman groans at this pun.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
We can always toss in a few pussy jokes just to liven things up again…
(Half a beat.)
Hey what’re you think, guys?

PAN OUT to include Director and Producer both looking annoyed.

PRODUCER
Stop ad-libbing again, dorcus-head.

DIRECTOR
Yeah, just stick to the pre-arranged plot.   Gee whiz it took us all of five minutes to think it up.   The least you could do is use it.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
It took you that long to make her up too.
(Pointing at Silicone Woman.)
So how come I never get to use her?

SILICONE WOMAN
Stick it!

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Exactly.

DIRECTOR
Because this is a kid’s show.

PRODUCER
A moron’s show, if you ask me.

DIRECTOR
Shut up then!   Who was asking you?

PRODUCER
You shut up!   I don’t have to do this dumb show!   I could be doing really classy kids TV.   Like Ren and Stimpy, or Snookums and Meat.   Or the Tick, or Pit Possum and Obadiah.

DIRECTOR
Shut up!

PAN BACK IN on Silicone Woman and Prophylactic Man.

SILICONE WOMAN
So, Dorkus Man, what’s the big disaster this time?

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
That’s Prophylactic Man!

SILICONE WOMAN
Whatever you say, Hard-On Man.   So what’s the big emergency?

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
The city is being menaced once again by…
(Half a beat.)
BUGGERY MAN!   That evil, despicable villain who sneaks up behind people and performs a certain unspeakable act upon them….

SILICONE WOMAN (Bored.)
You mean he buggers them?

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Well…
(Half a beat.)
Yes.   And always with a different object.

SILICONE WOMAN (Bored.)
Oh God, what’s he using this time?

PROPHYLACTIC MAN (Holding one up.)
A zucchini.

SILICONE WOMAN (Bored.)
Well, I suppose that makes a change from last time.   When he was using a cucumber.   Look, who thinks up this rubbish, anyway?

PAN OUT to include Director and Producer.

DIRECTOR (Glaring at Producer.)
You have some kind of anal-fixation or something, don’t you?

Producer looks extremely embarrassed.

PAN BACK IN on Silicone Woman and Prophylactic Man.

SILICONE WOMAN (Bored.)
Okay, let’s get on with it.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN (Turning left, away from her.)
Right, follow me, Silicone Woman.

SILICONE WOMAN
Sooner that, than have you behind me…
(Half a beat.)
And they say Buggery Man can’t be trusted behind you?   Christ!

EXT. AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, ON A PIER — DAY
Silicone Woman and Prophylactic Man run into SHOT from LHS.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
We’re outside an abandoned warehouse on a pier.

SILICONE WOMAN
What a meaningful line.   Is that in case any of our viewers are blind and are watching this by Braille?

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Yes…!
(Half a beat.)
Now just stand back while I break down the door.

He leans backward slightly to aim his erection upwards and races straight at the door.

SILICONE WOMAN
Um, I wouldn’t do that if I were you….

He bounces off the door clutching his crotch.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

SILICONE WOMAN
That looks like a titanium-steel door.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN (In very high voice.)
Now she tells me?

SILICONE WOMAN
Just stand back Eunuch-Man, and let me have a go.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
How are you gonna break it down?

SILICONE WOMAN
I’ll use my enormous knockers, natch.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
If it’s too hard for my bionic dick, how’re your knockers gonna smash it down?

SILICONE WOMAN
They’re not.

She rips the top off her body stocking, exposing her enormous knockers.

At the door an eye can be seen peering through a peephole.   The eye stares when it sees she is now topless.

After a moment the door opens, to reveal a fat man.

FAT MAN (Imitating The Big Bopper.)
Hel…
(Half a beat.)
Low bay…
(Half a beat.)
Bee.

Silicone Woman starts belting him in the face with her breasts.

FAT MAN
What the…?

Eventually he falls over unconscious.

Silicone Woman steps over him, into the warehouse and O/S.

SILICONE WOMAN O/S
Follow me, Prophylactic Man.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Whatever you say, Pamela…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, Silicone Woman.

He runs into the warehouse after her and O/S.

INT. WAREHOUSE, TOILETS — DAY
A fat woman in the toilets pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, and goes to sit on the toilet.

A dwarf in a shiny purple suit is crouching in the cubicle behind her.   In his left hand he is holding a massive zucchini.

As the woman’s large ass lowers toward the toilet seat, Buggery Man lunges forward with the zucchini.

TIGHT ON FAT WOMAN’S FACE

FAT WOMAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

She leaps forward and crashes into the toilet door.

INT. WAREHOUSE — DIM-LIT
Silicone Woman, still topless, races into the empty warehouse, followed closely by Prophylactic Man.

They stop and look around the warehouse slowly.

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
Do you see anything, Silicone Woman?

SILICONE WOMAN
No, but….

WOMAN O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Aaaaaaaaaaah!

A door in front of them opens and the fat woman races out.   She is almost tripping over her panties around her ankles and is still holding up her dress to reveal her large ass as she runs past them.

WOMAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Aaaaaaaaaaah!

She races past them and out into the pier as Silicone Woman and Prophylactic Man watch her in astonishment.

SILICONE WOMAN (Puzzled.)
Now that’s something you don’t see everyday…!
(Half a beat.)
A fat woman with a zucchini sticking out of her asshole!

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
A cucumber maybe, but not a zucchini.

Silicone Woman looks puzzled.   She turns round and
stares at Prophylactic Man.

Buggery Man emerges from the cubicle and stares at Silicone Woman’s enormous, naked breasts.

BUGGERY MAN
Hel…
(Half a beat.)
Low bay…
(Half a beat.)
Bee.

He starts racing toward her.   But seeing Prophylactic Man beside her, realises who they are.

BUGGERY MAN
Uh-oh, something tells me I’d better get outta here.

He takes another long look at Silicone Woman’s naked breasts, then turns and darts past them and races out onto the pier.

SILICONE WOMAN
Come on Prophylactic Man, the shoe is afoot.

They both race out onto the pier after Buggery Man.

EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, ON PIER — DAY
As Prophylactic Man and Silicone Woman emerge from the warehouse, Buggery Man turns round to thumb his nose at them, and falls backwards over Fat Man, who is just climbing back to his feet groggily.

BUGGERY MAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

He crashes to the ground heavily.

SILICONE WOMAN (Gleeful.)
Got ya!

She races forward, grabs Buggery Man and pulls him tight against her huge naked breasts.

SILICONE WOMAN
Try getting away from there if you can!

PROPHYLACTIC MAN
He might be a mad villain, but he’s not insane.

Obscene SLURPING as Buggery Man starts nursing on one of Silicone Woman’s enormous breasts.

SILICONE WOMAN (Angry.)
Hey stop that, you pint-sized deviate!

INT. WHITE HOUSE LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Mrs Carter and Security Guard watching Jimmy Carter on the floor, scribbling away.

SECURITY GUARD
What a meaningful series.

MRS CARTER
 Yes, I like to think it’s a series for children, and adults who are mentally retar…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, young at heart.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
INT. STAGE — DAY — CROWD OF PEOPLE, INCLUDING Tanya Makepeace, are watching a vacant stage.

NARRATOR
Well, loathe him, or hate him, you’ve gotta admit Ronald Reagan was always good for a laugh.

TANYA MAKEPEACE (Straight at Camera.)
We’ve all arrived early as requested, not really expecting much, other than a lot of hoo-haw about Crazy RONNIE rerunning for election as president.   Although the election is almost a year away.   Still, things tend to move rather slowly in the White House…
(Half a beat.)
Or the Half-Wit House, as it has been known within the fourth estate since Ronnie Reagan took over in 1980. …
(Half a beat.)
But what else can you expect, since things move slowly in Ronnie’s brain….
(Half a beat.)
Since the president has chosen to arrive late, most of us already have our pens, or tape recorders working flat out, composing the diatribes we intend hurling at Ronnie in our next editions…
(Half a beat.)
Or perhaps the edition after that, since there is never anything world shatteringly urgent about anything that flows from the mouth of Ronnie Reagan, or Raygun as he has been known by the fourth estate since he started flogging Star Wars — or Starbores as we call it…
(Half a beat.)
My own article will be headed, “Press kept waiting for over an hour to hear pompous platitudes!”

CHAIRS BEING ARRANGED on stage behind her.

Tanya looks round for a moment, then looks back at camera.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
At last the curtain at the front of the stage seems to be opening and we can see an old geezer who looks almost as ancient as Methuselah.   Well, obviously this isn’t Ronnie Reagan…
(Half a beat.)
He just isn’t old enough.

SPEAKER
Ladies and gentlemen.
(He holds up his hands to silence the audience.)
Ladies and gentlemen, please.   If I could have a bit of quiet please….

SPEAKER looks back to where Ronnie and NANCY REAGAN
and half a dozen others sit near the back of the stage.

After a moment Speaker clears his throat noisily.

SPEAKER
Ladies and gentlemen.
(Shouting.)
Shut the fuck up!

Audience are startled into instant silent.

Speaker clears his throat again, and looks decidedly embarrassed.

SPEAKER
Er, well, um, that is.   Allow me to introduce the President of the United States of America, MR RONALD…
(Half a beat.)
McDONALD.   The World Famous Magical Clown!

Speaker waves his right hand toward the back of the stage, as Crazy Ronnie stands.

Beside Ronnie is Ronald McDonald, who also stands and races, smiling idiotically toward the microphone.

As Ronald McDonald reaches Speaker, GEORGE SHULTZ races across from the LHS of the stage to whisper in Speaker’s ear.

SPEAKER (Astonished.)
Ronald who?

GEORGE SHULTZ
Ronald Raygun.

SPEAKER
Are you sure?

GEORGE SHULTZ
Absolutely.

SPEAKER
That’s strange.   I could’ve sworn Ronald McDonald won it?
(To Ronald McDonald.)
Sorry Ronald, it seems there’s been a re-count and you were narrowly defeated.

RONALD McDONALD (Amazed.)
How did that happen?

SPEAKER
Don’t ask me.   I certainly voted for you…
(Half a beat.)
And you can count on me to help out in your next electoral campaign.

Looking upset Ronald McDonald turns and walks back to his seat at the back of the stage, as George Shultz also walks off stage.

SPEAKER (Into microphone.)
Ladies and gentlemen, it seems I’ve made a slight cock-up…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, ladies and gentlemen the president of the United States of America.
(Waving an arm toward him.)
Mr Ronald Reagan.

Ronnie starts toward the front of the stage again.

SPEAKER
The World Famous, Magical Clown.

Ronnie stops for a moment, looking puzzled by this comment.

Finally he shrugs and walks across to the microphone, as Speaker goes to sit at the back of stage.

Ronnie adjusts his tie, then reaches out to adjust the microphone, which promptly slips down to his navel, so that when he begins to speak, no one can hear what he is saying.

Ronnie speaks for a few seconds before realising that something is wrong.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Gee, I’ve never heard Crazy Ronnie talk so lucidly and coherently before.

CAMERAMAN
But we can’t hear a fuckin’ word he’s saying?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Exactly.

Ronnie turns round to the back of the stage.

George Shultz runs across to fix the mike from the RHS of SHOT.

After the mike is fixed, Shultz runs out of SHOT again.

RONNIE
My apologies, we seem to have had a slight cock-up.   Er, problem with the sound equipment.   Would you like me to start from the beginning?

EVERYONE IN AUDIENCE (Shouting.)
No!

Ronnie looks a little offended.

RONNIE (Holding his arms open wide.)
My friends….

Everyone in Audience turns round to look behind them.

CAMERAMAN
Who came in?

RONNIE
No, no, I meant all of you dear people.   You’re all my friends.

CAMERAMAN (Shouting.)
You take that back!

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Yeah, before he sues you for defamation of character.   And don’t think he can’t, because he’s the biggest character I’ve ever met.

CAMERAMAN
Thank…
(Half a beat.)
What?

RONNIE
All right already, Christ!   So I’ll take it back!
(Holding his hands out wide.)
My enemies!   People who hate my guts!   And those of you who’d love to see me dead, mangled and twisted, lying in a sodden pool of my own blood….

CAMERAMAN
Now that’s more like it!

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Hey, you’ve gotta admit Crazy Ronnie seems to be ageing well in office.   He doesn’t look a day over ninety-nine.

INT. NBC TODAY SHOW STUDIOS — DAY
BRYANT GUMBAL on camera.

BRYANT
We now cut to WILLARD SCOTT in Washington for the weather.

INT./EXT. NBC TODAY SHOW STUDIOS/OUTSIDE STUDIOS — DAY
A crowd of people standing round Willard Scott.

WILLARD SCOTT
Sorry Bryant, but we don’t have any weather today; it’s been called off.

Bryant Gumbal is looking very unamused.

EXT. OUTSIDE STUDIOS — DAY

WILLARD SCOTT
Er, well, that is, before we have the weather report I’d like to give a very special birthday message to Ronald Reagan.
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Drop dead, Ronnie!
(Speaking normally.)
That’s the message.   Mr Reagan turns 426 today.

INT./EXT. NBC TODAY SHOW STUDIOS/OUTSIDE STUDIOS — DAY
(INTERCUT SEQUENCE.)

BRYANT (Astonished.)
Ronald Reagan isn’t 426.

WILLARD SCOTT (Puzzled.)
He isn’t?

BRYANT
No, of course not!

WILLARD SCOTT
Well, he certainly looks it.   The dried-up old prune-face!

INT. STAGE — DAY — AS BEFORE

RONNIE
I want to assure you all, that I have decided to take very stern measures to stem the tide of communistical aggression….

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Communistical?   What the hell kind of a word is that?

CAMERAMAN
It’s a bit like incentivationallyment agrandizentalisticallymentual.   Or….

NANCY (Sighing.)
Mother was right.   She said that if I married Ronnie Reagan, I’d end up First Lady of the United States…
(Half a beat.)
And laughing stock of the entire world!

RONNIE
Rest assured, that I am quite prepared to blow up the entire world, if need be, to stop it from suffering at the hands of the Communist aggressors.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Wow, he’s got me inspired!

CAMERAMAN
With patriotism?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
No, with fear.

CAMERAMAN
Fear of the Russians?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
No, fear of the Americans.

CAMERAMAN (Puzzled.)
But we’re the American?

On stage RONNIE is thumping his fist up and down on the table before him, for emphasis.

Each time he raises his hand into the air, for a split second it looks as though he is giving a Nazi salute.   Perhaps flick back and forth quickly between stills of Hitler and REAGAN for a few seconds.

CAMERAMAN (Nervous.)
Hey, come to think of it, I’m afraid of us too!

RONNIE
I know some people think that I’m pretty stupid….

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Jesus that’s the closest he’s ever come to making a coherent statement, since taking up residence in the White House.

CAMERAMAN
And you said he wouldn’t recognise the truth if it got up and poked him in the eye.

RONNIE
Ouch!
(He starts rubbing at his right eye.)

NANCY
What’s the matter, dear?

RONNIE
Something just poked me in the eye.

NANCY
What was it?

RONNIE
I don’t know, I didn’t recognise it…
(Half a beat.)
But what about that dumb bastard in Moscow?   Er, What’shisname…
(Half a beat.)
The guy with the purple butterfly tattooed onto his head.   He can’t even count past five.   At least I can count up to.
(Counting on his fingers on his right hand.)
A, B, C, D, E.
(Counting on his fingers on his left hand.)
Six, seven, eight, nine, J…
(Half a beat.)
So anyway, I have decided to demand that Russia must pull out of the Ukraine within six weeks time, or else the United States will declare war upon the Soviet Union.

TANYA MAKEPEACE (Astonished.)
The Ukraine?   Don’t you mean Poland?

RONNIE
No, no, the pinkoes can keep Holland.   Just so long as they pull out of the Ukraine.   Otherwise there’ll be war.

INT. WHITE HOUSE, MAIN BEDROOM — NIGHT
Ronnie sitting up in bed writing in his diary.

RONNIE
Dear diary, since I wrote in you last, quite a bit has happened around here.   One of my relatives got divorced, although I can’t remember which one it was.   Two more TV evangelists have had to resign due to sex scandals.

EXT. GOLF COURSE — DAY
Ronnie and GREG NORMAN standing on 18th tee.

RONNIE O/S
I partnered Greg Norman in a celebrity golf tournament, and shot a round of seventy-two…
(Half a beat.)
Over par.   Greg wasn’t very happy, since we lost the tournament, but it wasn’t really my fault, because all the holes were in the wrong places…
(Half a beat.)
Greg says he’ll never play golf with me again.   He accused me of causing us to lose the tournament.   He said it’s the first time in ten years he’s come absolutely last in any tournament…
(Half a beat.)
The nerve of him!   Well, I wasn’t standing for that, so I sat down and said, “Oh yeah, you and what army?”   Well, he didn’t have any answer for that.   He just stood there and stared at me…
(Half a beat.)
I guess that’ll learn him not to match wits with a monotonous giant like me again!
(Half a beat.)
Also we went to a flower show.   Nancy and me, not Greg and me.   Greg says he’ll never go anywhere with me ever again!

EXT. FLOWER SHOW — DAY
Ronnie & Nancy being shown different types of flowers.

RONNIE O/S
It was very boring, because the flowers didn’t do anything.   You’d have thought at least they could have trained them to sit up and bark!   But Nancy seemed to like them.

In the b/g Ronnie holds up a stick toward a flower, trying to get it to sit up and beg.

RONNIE O/S
This weekend we’re going up to visit some of Nancy’s relatives up in Wisconsin, or Wyoming, or wherever it is.   If I haven’t blown-up the world before then…
(Half a beat.)
Oh yeah, that reminds me.   In a press interview today I threatened to start World War Three if the Ruskies don’t pull out of Ukrainia, or was it Holland?   I gave the Ruskies six weeks, or was it six months?   Anyway I suppose Shultzie, or whatever his name is will let me know when the time limit is up.
(Half a beat.)
Ever since I was voted into office, I’ve been the laughing stock of the right-wingers in the party — or should that be right whingers? — who claim I haven’t taken a strong enough stand against the Ruskies…
(Half a beat.)
Their criticisms have been bothering me for some time now and I’ve been trying to think of something to show them that I’m not just a flunky to that butterfly-headed guy in the Kremlin.   My opponents say Mr Butterfly-Head always outsmarts me, but I got the better of him today.

INT. BEDROOM — NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE:
 ”SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND.”

MARGARET THATCHER sitting up in bed talking into a telephone.   After a moment she hangs up.

DENIS THATCHER
Who was that, dear?

MAGGIE THATCHER
That big boofhead in Washington.

DENIS THATCHER
Ronnie Raygun?

MAGGIE THATCHER
Who else?

DENIS THATCHER
Why was the idiot ringing you at this hour?

MAGGIE THATCHER
Obviously he is too thick to realise there’s a time difference between our two countries.

DENIS THATCHER
What’d he want?

MAGGIE THATCHER
He wants me to commit England to fighting with America against the Russians.   I reminded him that in the two world wars it was “every man for himself” as far as America was concerned, and asked why the hell England should take any chances now, just to save America’s bacon?

DENIS THATCHER
So you’re not going to help him?

MAGGIE THATCHER
I’ll have to sleep on it…
(Half a beat.)
Hmmm, I might win that upcoming election yet!

INT. WHITE HOUSE, MAIN BEDROOM — NIGHT
Ronnie still writing in his diary.

RONNIE
Old Gorbie is really caught between the devil and a hard place now…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is, a deep blue rock.

The door opens and Nancy enters the room.

NANCY
I’m almost afraid to ask, but what are you doing, dear?

RONNIE
Preparing my war diary.

NANCY
You’re not still planning to invade the Soviet Union?

RONNIE
Of course!   I might have to call a special meeting at the Pentagram to try and convince my warmongers.   But I’m sure I can talk them around.

NANCY
The Pentagram, dear?

RONNIE
That building where all the generals hang out.

NANCY
You mean the Happy Hooker Topless Bar in Main Street?

RONNIE
No, that big government building.

NANCY
Oh, I see.   But dear, if you blow-up the world, where are we going to live?

RONNIE
I’ve already thought of that.   We’ll emigrate.

NANCY
Emigrate?   Where the hell could we emigrate to after you blow-up the world?

RONNIE
Venus.

NANCY
Venus?

RONNIE
That’s right.

NANCY
Why in the world would you want to move up to Venus?

RONNIE
Because, according to “Abbott and Costello Go To Mars”, Venus is a wonderful place, with hundreds of near-naked, nubile babes, just waiting to be pleasured by a virile American stud.

NANCY
Those poor bitches, would they ever be disappointed if you moved up there.

RONNIE
Huh, what was that, dear?

NANCY
Er, well, um, that is, what I meant to say was, how could we emigrate to Venus?   I’ve got nothing to wear…
(Half a beat.)
Besides Venus has a daytime summer temperature of 600 Degrees Fahrenheit.   Venus is covered in an ocean of sulphuric acid, and it rains sulphuric acid rain twenty-four hours a day.

RONNIE (Puzzled.)
So what’s your point?

NANCY
So my point, dear dingleberry-head, is that it’s not exactly Miami or Malibu.

RONNIE (Petulant.)
Those near-naked, nubile babes in “Abbott and Costello Go To Mars” seemed to like it there.

NANCY
Maybe so.   But did it ever occur to you, that maybe back in the early 1950s when that movie was made, they didn’t know quite as much about living conditions on the surface of Venus as we do today?

RONNIE (Angry.)
No.   I hope you’re not trying to suggest that the scientists know more about the planet Venus than Abbott and Costello do?

NANCY (Covering her head with her hands.)
Perish the thought.

INT. BEDROOM — NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE:
 ”CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA.”

NARRATOR
The Prime Minister of Australia, BOB HAWKE had this to say about Ronnie’s declaration against the Soviets.

BOB HAWKE
For the first time ever, Australia has publicly criticised the U.S.A. for its warmongering.   Jesus Christ, what else could I do?   If I had dared to give even tacit support to that crazy coot in Washington, the next thing you know he’d have wanted Australia to fight alongside the U.S.A…
(Half a beat.)
The last thing that we need is another Vietnam debacle!

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — ROSTRUM, AT FRONT
OF STAGE

NARRATOR
The leader of the opposition party, John Howard, later himself Prime Minister of Australia, had this to say on the matter.

JOHN HOWARD
I want to go on public record as vehemently disagreeing with the cowardly action of Prime Minister Hawke, in not giving his immediate full support to Ronald Reagan, in his bid to wipe the scourge of Soviet Fabian-Socialist-Marxist-Totalitarian-Communistic-Trotskyism from the face of the free world…
(Half a beat.)
This is just another example of Bob Hawke’s Fabian-Socialist-Marxist-Totalitarian-Communistic-Trotskyist leanings.   Which is why I feel that the opposition parties have a duty to the Australian public to try to bring down the elected government by any means in its power, and replace it with a democratic right wing government.
(Raising right hand in Nazi salute.)
Heil Hitler!

NARRATOR
And now Mr BRUCE RUXTON, the leader of the Australian branch of the Ku Klux Klan…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, the Returned Serviceman’s League.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — ROSTRUM, AT FRONT
OF STAGE
Bruce Ruxton who is elderly, grey-haired and looks like a chronic alcoholic.

BRUCE RUXTON
That dickhead Hawke has gone and blown a golden opportunity, by refusing to send Australian troops to fight alongside the Yanks.   Think of all the new members the RSL could have got that way.   New members have been so scarce since Australia’s cowardly withdrawal from Vietnam in 1972, which in desperation we’ve even had to consider letting women join as full members.   Struth!   Not to mention the wogs, chinks, Huns, Japs and greasers of every possible description.   But at least we’ve been able to keep the Abos out.   We haven’t sunk that low yet…
(Half a beat.)
Although we did have one coon who thought that we should let him join, just because he fought for six years in World War Two, eighteen months in Korea, and three years in Vietnam!   Of course, we explained to him in the kindest possible way.
(Shouting.)
No black boys allowed!
(Calmly.)
I think he got the message eventually, but it’s a bit hard to tell with boongs.   They’re all thick as two planks nailed end-to-end.   Anyway this’d be a golden opportunity for us to recruit new members.   And also a good way to get rid of all the coons, chinks, and wogs, by sending them all off to the front-line to get splattered by the Ruskie army.   Then when it was safe, we could send in the white troops to mop up all the medals and return home as heroes.   And join the RSL natch!
(Raising right hand in a Nazi salute.)
Heil Hitler!

INT. WHITE HOUSE, MAIN BEDROOM — NIGHT — AS BEFORE

RONNIE
Orstralia?   Where is that anyway?   Somewhere around France?

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM
Tanya Makepeace standing by a filing cabinet talking to another reporter, DON ARNOLDS.

DON ARNOLDS
So how did your recent interview with the Loony Tunes President go, Tanya.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
I have a great respect for the Führer…
(Half a beat.)
Admittedly it’s a respect based upon fear, loathing, and disgust.   But a respect nonetheless.   The Führer believes in democracy…
(Half a beat.)
Just so long as democracy doesn’t mean everybody getting the vote, or being allowed to disagree with any of the Führer’s policies…
(Half a beat.)
So I said to the Führer, “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “but what policies?   You refuse to tell us what any of them are?”   And the Führer said:

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — ROSTRUM, AT FRONT OF STAGE
Ronald Reagan is standing at the rostrum, surrounded by reporters holding microphones under his face.

Behind Ronnie is a wall length Nazi flag.   Ronnie is dressed in a Gestapo uniform.

RONNIE (Doing a Nazi salute.)
Heil Hitler!
(Lowering his hand.)
My brand of democracy means that sometimes it is necessary to withhold from the general public certain things, which it doesn’t need to know, and which aren’t in my best interests for it to know…
(Half a beat.)
Such as what any of my policies actually are.   After all, I was a senator in California for eight years, without even having any policies.   Yet that didn’t stop people from voting me out of control…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is, into power….

Tanya and Cameraman are in the press gallery.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Ronnie and the people of California are as thick as thieves….

CAMERAMAN
Planks more like it!

RONNIE
The people who are good people, the ones we let vote.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
What makes them qualify as good people?

RONNIE
They vote for me, of course.   Which is why I even let them have a vote.

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So I said to the Führer, “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “this bit about not giving everyone a vote?   Isn’t that almost as bigoted as when men wouldn’t let women have a vote?”   And the Führer said:

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — ROSTRUM
at front of stage.   Ronnie looks amazed.

RONNIE
You mean to tell me that women are now allowed to vote?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Yes.

RONNIE (Shocked.)
I can’t recall any such bill going through parliament.   I’m sure I would have bullied those congressional meatheads into vetoing it.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
It happened long before you even bullied your way into…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, that is, before you ever entered politics.

RONNIE
Well, women certainly aren’t allowed to vote in California.
(Turning toward back of stage.)
Are they, Nancy?

NANCY
Only the ones who vote for you, dear.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — ROSTRUM
Ronnie is dressed in a clown suit, wearing Mickey Mouse ears, and riding a tricycle around the stage.

RONNIE
You need a stable mind to be in politics these days.   Not like in the good old days when politicians were seduced on top of their desks by their own wives.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Ronnie has a mind like a stable door…
(Half a beat.)
After the horse has bolted!

Ronnie crashes his tricycle into the rostrum, and falls onto his side on the stage.

Groaning from the exertion he stands up before the rostrum.

RONNIE
When was the last time you seduced me on top of my desk, Nancy?

NANCY
Oh God, I can’t remember dear…
(Half a beat.)
It’s been so long since you could get it up.

Ronnie looks extremely embarrassed.

Tanya and Cameraman are both smirking.

Nancy is looking embarrassed also.

NANCY
Er, well, um, that is…
(Half a beat.)
Did I say something wrong, dear?

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — ROSTRUM
Ronnie, dressed in a Gestapo uniform.

RONNIE
If we don’t watch out, pretty soon women will be driving cars!

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Women have been driving cars for ages…
(Half a beat.)
And aeroplanes too!

RONNIE
Aeroplanes aren’t so bad.   There aren’t as many things for them to crash into up there!
(He turns back toward Nancy.)
Our pilot isn’t a woman, I hope?

NANCY
I’m afraid so.   You must have seen her, dear?   That short, dumpy redhead, with no dress-sense, who hangs around the hangers a lot…
(Half a beat.)
The Duchess of somewhere or other.

RONNIE
Is that who she is?   I thought she was just a love-starved babe hoping to make it with me.

NANCY (Shocked.)
A love starved babe?   How dare you refer to an English Duchess as a babe?

RONNIE
All right, a short, dumpy, third class love-starved babe, with no dress-sense.

NANCY (Nodding in satisfaction.)
That’s more like it!

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So I said to the Führer, “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “this bit about banishing the Congress to the middle of the Tasman Sea, if you win the next Federal election?   Don’t you think that’s going a bit far?”   And the Führer said:

INT. ROSTRUM NEAR FRONT OF STAGE — DAY
Ronnie dressed in a Gestapo uniform.

Tanya and Cameraman are in the press gallery.

RONNIE
Yes, of course you’re right.   I’ll banish them to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean instead.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Don’t you think that you ought to at least give them a life raft, so they don’t drown?

RONNIE
If we win the next federal election, the whole of America will drown, so why should the Congress be any different?   After all, as the saying goes, all’s fair in hate and war…!
(Half a beat.)
No, no, that’s not how it goes.   He who laughs last, really sinks the boot in, when his opponent is down…
(Half a beat.)
No, that isn’t it either.
(He turns toward the back of the stage.)
How does it go again, dear?

Nancy is covering her face with her hands and shaking her head slowly.

NANCY
Lord only knows.

RONNIE
That’s not how it goes, surely?   If it is, they’ve shortened it since I heard it last…
(Half a beat.)
Oh yeah, now I remember, “You have nothing to fear except stark, abject terror itself.”
(Pleased with himself.)
Yes, that’s how it goes.

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM
Tanya talking to Don Arnolds.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So I said to the Führer, “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “this idea of abolishing elections, if you win?   Do you really think you can get away with it?”   And the Führer said:

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — ROSTRUM
Ronnie dressed in a Gestapo uniform.

RONNIE
Why not?   We get along fine without state elections in California!

Tanya and Cameraman are in the press gallery.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
But California still has state elections.

RONNIE
That can’t be right?   I’m sure I abolished elections after first stealing control in California.
(Turning toward back of stage.)

NANCY
No, dear, your bid to abolish elections in California failed by one vote.

RONNIE
Damn!

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Actually, I don’t mind admitting, that I can’t quite work out Ronnie’s politics.

DON ARNOLDS
What can’t you work out?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Whether he’s left wing or right wing?

DON ARNOLDS
Neither.   He’s more around the twist than anything else.   You know, Ronnie has a mind like a steel trap…
(Half a beat.)
And I wish he’d keep it shut.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
I found out recently that the Führer only wants to steal control of America…
(Half a beat.)
And, of course, by that, I mean steal control democratically.   Because he thought that America is the capital city of Australia…
(Half a beat.)
So I said to the Führer, “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “how could America possibly be the capital city of Australia?”   And the Führer said:

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — ROSTRUM
Ronnie is dressed in white Ku Klux Klan robes, behind him, on the stage, is a large burning cross.

RONNIE
But I thought that U.S.A. stands for United States of Australia?   After all California is the capital city of Australia.   Isn’t it…?
(Half a beat.)
Or did I waste all those years in California?

Nancy Reagan is sitting near the back of the stage.

NANCY
I’m sure you don’t really want me to answer that, now do you, dear?

Ronnie looks a little shocked at Nancy’s comment.

RONNIE
Don’t you worry about that, now I’m a big poof for the White House….

NANCY
No, no, dear, your big push for a second term in the White House.

RONNIE
That’s what I said; I’m a big poof for the White House.

NANCY (Shocked.)
Big push!

RONNIE
Look don’t keep interrupting me all the time.   I ought to know whether or not I’m a big poof.

NANCY
Push!   Push!   Push!

RONNIE
Oh all right!

Ronnie puts both hands onto the rostrum and gives it a hard shove.

The circle of reporters around the stage scatters as the rostrum flies off the edge of the stage, to shatter upon impact with the ground.

RONNIE
Now what, dear?

Nancy covers her face with one hand, shaking her head slowly.

NANCY
As…
(Half a beat.)
A…
(Half a beat.)
Brick!

RONNIE
Anyway, when I go to Canberra, I fully intend to do to Australia what I have been doing to California for years now.

NANCY
Not to!   For!

RONNIE
What are you raving on about now?

NANCY (Shouting.)
For!   For!   For!

RONNIE
Yes that’s right, of course, what I actually meant to say was, that I intend to do to Australia forty-four times over, what I have been doing to California for years now….

Nancy covers her face with her hand again, shakes her head and starts crying.

Tanya and Cameraman are standing amid the circle of reporters, who have returned to the front of the stage, near the ruins of the rostrum.

RONNIE
In my official capacity as Prime Minister of New Zealand….

TANYA MAKEPEACE
But California isn’t part of New Zealand!

RONNIE
It isn’t?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
I wonder if it’s true that New Zealand once declared war on the USA?

CAMERAMAN
Don’t be ridiculous!   The New Zealand army is composed of two mentally retarded sheep farmers with one rusty shotgun between them.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Then Ronnie ought to fit in there very nicely.

RONNIE (To Nancy.)
You mean I wasted my recent visit to New Zealand?

NANCY
I’m afraid so, dear.

RONNIE
And the natives were so friendly there too.   I went to order some cheap cigarettes, and the sales lady asked me to have sex with her.

NANCY
The poor cow, she must’ve been disappointed.

RONNIE
She certainly was.

NANCY
Are you sure she offered you sex?

RONNIE
She certainly did.   I said to her, “I’ll have six packets of Benson and Hedges,” and she said, “Would you like sex?”

NANCY
Oh, I see.   Well, the thing is, dear, she wasn’t really offering you sex.   In New Zealand, they pronounce six as “sex”.   So she was asking if you wanted six packets of cigarettes.

RONNIE
Really?   That probably explains why she called the cops afterwards…
(Half a beat.)
And I thought it was just because I had so much trouble getting it up for her.

Nancy looks astonished by this.

RONNIE
Well, if they say “sex” when they mean “six” in New Zealand, what do they say when they actually mean sex?

NANCY
Screwing.

RONNIE
Just as well.   It’d get very confusing if they said sex, when they meant six, and sex when they meant sex…
(Half a beat.)
Then everyone would think you wanted sex six times.

NANCY
Which in your case would mean over a six-year period.

RONNIE
Anyway as I was saying, in my capacity as the president of New Zealand….

NANCY
Oh God, he’s still doing that joke…!
(Half a beat.)
But California isn’t part of New Zealand!

RONNIE
Oh no, of course not, I meant the United…
(Half a beat.)
Kingdom.

NANCY
For one beautiful second there I thought he was actually going to name the right country…
(Half a beat.)
Christ, I should’ve known better, shouldn’t I?

RONNIE
Er, the United Queendom…?
(Half a beat.)
Canada…?
(Half a beat.)
Saudi Arabia…?
(Half a beat.)
South America…?
(Half a beat.)
South Africa…?
(Half a beat.)
Northwest Africa…?
(Half a beat.)
Red China…?
(Half a beat.)
Blue China…?
(Half a beat.)
Wedgewood china?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
He always breaks down into gobbledegook whenever he starts to run out of guesses….

RONNIE
Wedgewood party pies and Cornish pasties?

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM
Tanya sitting at her desk.   Don Arnolds standing by the desk.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Or when he forgets his lines…!
(Half a beat.)
I think the Führer intends to take one giant step further to the right.

DON ARNOLDS (Astonished.)
Further to the right?   Actually Ronnie’s politics is more like up the spout…!
(Half a beat.)
If the Führer took another half step toward the right, he’d fall off the edge of the world!

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So anyway, the Führer said that he was going to get rid of public service inefficiency by sacking all the public servants.   Then get rid of unemployment by sacking people from unemployment benefits…
(Half a beat.)
So I said to the Führer, “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “could I please take a half-day sickie so I can book a flight to New Zealand?”   And the Führer said:

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — FRONT OF STAGE
Ronnie, dressed in a Gestapo uniform, now sits behind a small wooden desk atop which are about fifty microphones and various sized tape recorders.

RONNIE
Of course you can, but only if you’re only half sick.

Tanya Makepeace and Cameraman are standing in a group of reporters in a semi-circle around the front of the stage.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
I’ll try not to die.

RONNIE
You’ll be in big trouble if you do!

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM
Tanya talking to Don Arnolds.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So I asked the Führer if he was really surrounded by Yes-Men.   And the Führer said:

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — FRONT OF STAGE

RONNIE
Goodness me, no!   Half of them are women…!
(Half a beat.)
And the other half say no, when I say no.
(Turning to face Nancy at back of stage.)
Isn’t that right, dear?

NANCY
No.   Er, well, um, that is….

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM

TANYA MAKEPEACE
It’s not that the Führer would argue against reality itself you understand…
(Half a beat.)
Only against reality as we know it.   Admittedly, I did have to explain to the Führer just which three dimensions it is that we actually live in…
(Half a beat.)
He thought they were sight, sound and smell.   So I said to the Führer.   “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “that’s only for people who shoot-up on the Twilight Zone?”

DON ARNOLDS (Shaking head.)
No wonder Ronnie and Gorbachev have become thick as thieves, since Ronnie decided to let Gorbie keep the Ukraine…
(Half a beat.)
And Holland.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Bricks more like it.   So anyway, I said to the Führer, “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “what are your plans for the House of Representatives?”   And the Führer said:

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — AS BEFORE

RONNIE
My goodness me, I’m going to appoint Jerry Brown as the Special Minister for Having Affairs with Women…
(Half a beat.)
No, no, that’s not it.   What I actually meant to say, was the Special Minister for Having Affairs with Men…
(Half a beat.)
No, no, that’s not it either.   Oh well, never mind, I’m sure that after I steal…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, win office again, Nancy will tell me exactly what I’m going to do.

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM
Tanya seated at her desk, Don Arnolds sitting on the edge of the desk.

DON ARNOLDS
I’ve heard that you were planning to write a book called “The Wit of Reagan”?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Yes, but I had to abandon the idea, when I could only find enough material for half a book.

DON ARNOLDS
Personally, if I had to choose between reading Ronnie’s memoirs, or reading used toilet paper; it’d be a very close decision.   But I’d probably choose the used toilet paper…
(Half a beat.)
So you can write books as well as articles, can you?   What’s your speciality?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
The 69 position…
(Half a beat.)
But only with women, so don’t even ask!

Don looks astonished.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So I asked the Führer, “Listen Ronnie,” I said, “is it true that you worship Adolf Hitler?”   And the Führer said:

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — DESK AT FRONT OF STAGE
A dozen reporters are standing around in front of the stage.

RONNIE
Don’t be so ridiculous!   How could I possibly worship a loser like Hitler?   His thousand-year-Reich only lasted about thirteen years.   Mine will last at least until the start of the twenty-first century!

Tanya and Cameraman are in the press gallery in front of the stage.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
But Ronnie, the start of the twenty-first century is less than thirteen years away!

RONNIE (Turning toward Nancy.)
Is that right?

NANCY
I’m afraid so, dear.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM — DAY — DESK AT FRONT OF STAGE — A SHORT TIME LATER

RONNIE
Never let it be said that there is no room for women in today’s politics!   Oh my yes, indeed there is.   There is a very real and important need for women in politics today…
(Half a beat.)
Particularly working in the canteens, to make our lunches, and in the hotels, to make our beds and to tidy up after us.

FREEZE FRAME.

NARRATOR
One of the low…
(Half a beat.)
Est points in Ronald Reagan’s Presidentship came with the chairing of the Iran-Contra congressional commission charging Ronnie with improprieties in regard to secret US funding of Contra-rebels in Iran.

EXT. STAGE — EVENING
Tanya And Cameraman are in the press gallery in front
of the stage.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Are you concerned about the possible findings of the congressional commission, Mr President?

RONNIE
Not in the slightest.   I look forward to being vindicated by their report.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
But what if, as seems likely, you’re not vindicated?

RONNIE
I have nothing to fear, except fear itself…
(Half a beat.)
And boy does that ever scare me…!
(Half a beat.)
I will proudly shout the result of the congressional commission findings from the rooftops!

EXT. WHITE HOUSE, FRONT GARDENS — EVENING
Standing on the rooftop, Ronnie holds up his arms for
silence.

NARRATOR
And, as always, true to his word….

RONNIE (Shouting.)
I…
(Half a beat.)
Am…
(Half a beat.)
Fuck…
(Half a beat.)
In’…
(Half a beat.)
Guilty!

Two old men in the crowd both look puzzled.

1ST OLD MAN
Well, I’ll be, I never thought he’d keep his promise!

2ND OLD MAN
Yeah, you’ve gotta hand it to him…
(Half a beat.)
Cause he certainly can’t find it for himself.   He kept his promise.

1ST OLD MAN
He might be a crook and an embezzler…
(Half a beat.)
But he’s no liar.

Ronnie starts to climb down from the roof.

His left foot hits a loose nail in the roof and he trips.

RONNIE
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Ronnie rolls head-over-heels down to the edge of the roof, falls off and bounces off the roof of a news van parked under the building, then lands on his back on the road outside.

A KLAXON HORN, then an 18-wheeler races into SHOT and runs over Ronnie.

1ST OLD MAN
Oh my God, did you see that?   He rolled down the roof, bounced off a news van, and was run over by an 18-wheeler.

2ND OLD MAN
What a cruel co-incidence!

1ST OLD MAN
What’re you mean?

2ND OLD MAN
The same thing happened to me once…
(Half a beat.)
I was twenty-two at the time.   The doctors all gave up on me, said I’d never walk again!   But I proved them all wrong!

1ST OLD MAN
Oh my God!   When were you released from hospital?

2ND OLD MAN
Last week.   It took me nigh on seventy years to get back on my feet, but I showed ‘em all in the end.   Doctors, huh!   What’re they know?   Now I’m up again I’m jest itchin’ to have another go at that dad blasted rooftop.   No danged roof will get the better of…
(Half a beat.)
Well, I forget what my name is, but whatever it is, no dad blasted rooftop will ever get the better of me.

1ST OLD MAN (Edging away from him.)
Just as a matter of mass debate…
(Half a beat.)
You actually voted for Crazy Ronnie, didn’t you?

EXT. WHITE HOUSE, FRONT GARDENS — EVENING
2nd Old Man is now dressed as a cowboy, complete with lariat.

2ND OLD MAN
Twice.   Why do you ask?

1ST OLD MAN
N…n…no particular reason.

He turns and runs down the garden toward the street.

1ST OLD MAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

2ND OLD MAN
All right roof, here I come.

He twirls the lariat around and round then releases it to hook onto a drainpipe on the roof.

Lifting up his feet he swings forward and smashes through a ground floor window.

2ND OLD MAN O/S
Dag nabbit!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:
INT. AUDIENCE AREA — DAY
Tanya Makepeace amid reporters in front of the stage.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Yes, of course, Führer, you’re right again, as always.   And if for any reason, you should ever change your mind on any issue, then naturally reality itself will alter accordingly, to ensure that you still won’t ever be wrong…
(Half a beat.)
Even if it means shifting the whole world off its axis.

INT, WHITE HOUSE — DAY — PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
GEORGE BUSH Senior is sitting at a big desk, behind which two crossed Stars-and-Stripes are attached to the wall.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Raising right hand in nazi salute.)
Heil Hitler!
(He lowers right hand again.)
And we now have the technology to actually shift the world off its axis.   Right at the push of a button….

He points to a red button on top of the desk.

NARRATOR
And almost as loony…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, as interesting as Ronald Raygun, was his successor, GEORGE BUSH, SENIOR.   Who had served for eight years before that as Reagan’s vice-president…
(Half a beat.)
Or president of vice as some people prefer to say.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
If it should ever be really needed…
(Half a beat.)
Or even if it’s not really needed.   See it’s this little red button, right here.

He points to the red button again.

His finger slips, and he accidentally pushes the red button.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Shocked.)
Oops!   What have I done?
(Jumping to his feet/Shouting.)
What have I done?   What have I done?   What have I done?

A SECURITY GUARD, carrying a machine-gun, runs into the room.

SECURITY GUARD
What is it Mr President?   The KGB?
GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Shaking head.)
No.
SECURITY GUARD
The PLO?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No.

SECURITY GUARD
The IRA?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, no, much worse than any of those!

SECURITY GUARD
The CIA?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, no.

SECURITY GUARD
The FBI?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, no, much worse!

SECURITY GUARD
Is it the red Chinese?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No.

SECURITY GUARD
Is it the Arabs?

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Shaking head.)
Uh uh.

SECURITY GUARD
Is it the Israelis?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, no, no.

SECURITY GUARD
Is it the Australians?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Oh come on be serious!   The Australians don’t have any army worthy of the name.

SECURITY GUARD (Straight at camera.)
Give me the good old days, when American presidents were at least smart enough to tell you what was wrong.   Instead of playing these infuriating guessing games.

Bush sits at his desk, holding a box of numbered cards.   He holds up a card saying “12″.

SECURITY GUARD
Okay, I’ve got eight questions left…
(Half a beat.)
Is it the state of New Jersey?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No.
(Changing to card saying “13″.)

SECURITY GUARD
Is it a vegetable?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No.
(Changing to card saying “14″.)

SECURITY GUARD
Well, that lets out Ronald Reagan…
(Half a beat.)
Then could you give me a clue sir?   Frankly I can’t think of anything worse than the FBI, Mr President.
(Snapping his fingers in anger at himself.)
Sorry sir, I keep forgetting that you haven’t got a clue.

SECURITY GUARD
Do you need to go to the potty, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, no, I pushed the button!   I pushed the button!

SECURITY GUARD
Of course, Mr President, that’s what makes it flush.   They replaced the old chain-operated models…
(Half a beat.)
Oh, weeks ago.
(Straight at camera.)
At last we’ve got a president who’s potty trained.   It makes a change after Nixon, Ford, and Reagan!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, no, I pushed the button that ends the world.
(Pointing toward red button.)

SECURITY GUARD
What?   Is that all?
(He laughs for a moment.)
You had me worried for a moment there.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
You should be worried; the world is going to end.

SECURITY GUARD
No it’s not, Mr President.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
It’s not?

SECURITY GUARD
No sir.   That isn’t the button that ends the world.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
It isn’t?   But when I first came into office, Dan Quale told me that was the button that ends the world.

SECURITY GUARD
Good old Qualey, the kidder.
(He laughs for a moment.)
You should know by now never to take that bastard seriously.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Yes that’s right.
(He laughs heartily.)

SECURITY GUARD
They wouldn’t trust you with the real button that ends the world.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, of course not.

He laughs for a moment, and then becomes serious.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Angry.)
I’ll have you know, I’m not as slow-witted and senile as I look!

SECURITY GUARD
I never thought for a second that you could be, sir.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Well, as long as you understand that!

SECURITY GUARD
Qualey has probably got the real button that ends the world locked away safely somewhere where you can’t get at it!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Then what does this button do?
(Pointing toward red button.)

SECURITY GUARD
I don’t rightly know sir, but probably something trivial.   They certainly wouldn’t trust you with anything important.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
That’s right.

They both laugh heartily for a moment, then Bush stops laughing as he realises what Security Guard said.

SECURITY GUARD
It probably flushes one of the Johns, or something.

Security Guard pushes the red button.

PHUT PHUT PHUT of a water sprinkler and water splashes across the large window behind them.

SECURITY GUARD (Shrugging.)
No, it’s got me beat.

He pushes the red button again.

PHUT PHUT PHUT of a water sprinkler again and water splashes across the large window behind them.

SECURITY GUARD
Would you like me to find out for you, sir?   Maybe you could draft up a circular on it, for one of the secretaries to type up, and I could send it around the building.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Clapping his hands with glee.)
Oh goodie, goodie, something to do…
(Half a beat.)
You know something?

SECURITY GUARD
What’s that, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
They’re right about it being lonely at the top.   Particularly when you don’t have anything to do, except sit behind a big important looking desk all day, twiddling your thumbs.

SECURITY GUARD
Yessir, and it probably doesn’t help that everybody hates your guts.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
That’s true…
(Half a beat.)
But why why why does everyone hate me?

SECURITY GUARD
Because you’re a fundamentally unlikeable guy!

Bush considers this for a moment, and then glares at Security Guard.

SECURITY GUARD
Er, well, um, that is, you have a bit of a problem with your image sir.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
My image?
(He holds up a mirror and stares into it for a moment.)
Oh my God, you are so right!

SECURITY GUARD
No, no, sir, what I meant is that you’re seen as too cold and aloof by most people.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Cold and aloof?

SECURITY GUARD
Yessir.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Well, what can I do about it?

SECURITY GUARD (Considering a moment.)
Well, you could always hold one of those televised fire-side chats that the better presidents than you…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, what I meant to say was, the more famous presidents than you used to hold…
(Half a beat.)
No, on second thoughts, with an image like yours you could scare half of America to death.

Bush holds up the mirror and stares into it for a moment.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Oh my God, that’s true…
(Half a beat.)
Well, what else can I try?

SECURITY GUARD
You could always write an open letter to the people and pay to have it published in all the major newspapers in the U.S.A.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
An open letter?

SECURITY GUARD
Yes, something that shows you as you really are.

Bush opens a drawer of the desk and takes out a pen and notepad.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Okay, what should I write?

SECURITY GUARD
Anything to show the people of America that you’re really a warm, generous, caring human being.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Writing as he speaks.)
Dear…
(Thinking deeply a moment.)
Peasants…
(Thinking deeply a moment.)
This is your dictator speaking…
(Thinking deeply a moment.)
You’re probably all too dumb to understand what this means…
(Thinking deeply a moment.)
But trust me when I say, that I know what is in your best interests…
(Thinking deeply a moment.)
So don’t bother trying to think for yourselves.   Just do exactly as I tell you…
(Thinking deeply a moment.)
And no one will get hurt.
(Thinking deeply a moment.)
Your beloved dictator, Adolph….

He hurriedly scratches the last word out on the pad.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
George Bush.
(Thinking deeply a moment.)
With hugs and kisses.
(To Security Guard.)
What do you think?

SECURITY GUARD (Considering a moment.)
It’s only a very minor point, sir.   But doesn’t it seem a little incongruous to end it “with hugs and kisses” after addressing them as “Dear Peasants”, and telling them to just do as they’re told and nobody will get hurt?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Yes, you could be right.
(He scratches out part of the note, then writes again.)
With threats of violence.

SECURITY GUARD
Er, on second thoughts, we’ll think of something else, sir.

FREEZE FRAME:

NARRATOR
Some people say that George Bush is a real card…
(Half a beat.)
Jesus if only he were, then at least we could tear him up and throw him away…
(Half a beat.)
I was gonna say get him posted, but I decided tear him up and throw him away was funnier.

INT. LOCAL TV STATION — DAY — NEWS ROOM
Tanya sitting at her desk.   Don Arnolds standing by the desk.

DON ARNOLDS
Listen Tanya don’t you ever feel a little guilty about the way you always get stuck into the President all the time?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
No, why should I?   It’s a free world…
(Half a beat.)
Or at least that’s what the fascist dictator tells me.   And I have to believe him, or he’ll have me shot.

DON ARNOLDS
Er, well, anyway, so how was your interview with the new President, Tanya?

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Very informative.   Straight off, I asked him what his policy would be regarding Australia?

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE — DAY
Bush is sitting at his desk.

Security Guard, carrying a machine-gun, is still standing in the room.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
You know you can always count on me to look after the best interests of Australia.

SECURITY GUARD
The way that you looked after the best interests of Australia, by sabotaging their European wheat markets?

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Very embarrassed.)
Er, that’s right.

SECURITY GUARD
The way that you looked after Australia by dumping cheap American sugar on Australia’s established sugar markets.   So that we could take a strong stand against that dread curse, Communism…
(Half a beat.)
By selling discounted wheat and sugar to Communist Russia.   Thereby saving the Soviet Union billions of dollars on food, which they can then use to build new weapons systems to use against the USA….

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
They’re going to build weapons out of food?

SECURITY GUARD
No, sir.
(He shakes his head in amazement.)
Barbara was right sir; she said you were one of a kind…
(Half a beat.)
Thank God!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Barbara said that?

SECURITY GUARD
Yes sir, you know Barbara sir?
(Bush scratches his head, puzzled.)
Mrs Bush, sir?
(Bush still looks puzzled.)
Your wife, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Yes, I know that Mrs Bush is my wife.   She’s got the same last name as me…
(Half a beat.)
Funny thing that, I’ve noticed that most women don’t have their husbands’ surname these days.   I wonder why that is?

SECURITY GUARD
Mainly so that they can exert themselves as individuals and not be just men’s possessions.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
But isn’t it an insult to men when their wives refuse to take on their names?

SECURITY GUARD
Of course it is, sir, but there’s not much that they can do about it.   The Equal Opportunity Board is only there to protect the rights of women.   Not the rights of men.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Why is that?   Surely they should protect the rights of both men and women?

SECURITY GUARD
In theory yes.   But in reality they don’t.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Why not?

SECURITY GUARD
It’s called equality, sir.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Well, if that’s equality; give me the male-dominated society any day of the week.
(Considering a moment.)
I think we’re dicing with death with this scene, son.   We’d better get back to the jokes about Russia.   It’s much safer…
(Half a beat.)
They can only drop atomic bombs on us.   Not cut off our source of nookie.

SECURITY GUARD
Just be glad you’re not married to Lorena Bobbit, sir…
(Half a beat.)
Or you might have a lot more than just your nookie cut off.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Clutching himself between the legs.)
Oh God, yes!

SECURITY GUARD
Not that you’ve got much to worry about in that area, from what I’ve heard…
(Half a beat.)
Anyway, sir, as I was saying, before we got side-tracked into that series of superfluous feminist jokes, the Russians can use the billions of dollars saved on wheat subsidies from us, to sweep down across Europe and Asia, when they gear up their drive to take over the world.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
They wouldn’t dare!   They promised me that if I bankrupted Australia and gave the money to them, they wouldn’t do anything bad that would make me unhappy.

SECURITY GUARD
Perhaps so, but let’s face it, sir, you’re easy to please…
(Half a beat.)
In my experience as long as you’ve got a chocolate chip cookie to dunk in your coffee, and someone to change your potty occasionally, you’re happy.

BUSH (Grinning idiotically.)
That’s true.   But I’m sure we can trust the Ruskies not to use Australia’s wealth we gave them to hurt us…
(Half a beat.)
After all, they were very friendly about it.   They kept laughing and snickering all throughout our phone calls.

SECURITY GUARD
I just bet they did!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
They promised me they’d only nuke our worst enemies.

SECURITY GUARD
But they are our worst enemies!

BUSH (Horrified.)
Oh my God, yes!   I completely forgot that!

SECURITY GUARD
No wonder they couldn’t stop laughing and snickering while you were giving them all of Australia’s former prosperity!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Don’t worry, Russia won’t nuke America…
(Half a beat.)
We won’t let them!

SECURITY GUARD
How can we stop them, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Well, we’ve got the bomb.

SECURITY GUARD
Which bomb is that sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Why the atomic bomb, of course.

SECURITY GUARD
Oh no sir, I’m afraid that we don’t actually have that particular bomb anymore.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
We don’t?

SECURITY GUARD
No sir, we gave the atomic bomb to Australia to placate them, after we sabotaged their established wheat and sugar markets.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
We gave the atomic bomb to Canberra?

SECURITY GUARD
Weeeeeeeeeell…
(Half a beat.)
Actually sir, you’ve caught me out in a little white lie…
(Half a beat.)
We didn’t so much give Australia the atomic bomb, as drop it on Canberra.

BUSH (Shocked.)
But that’s not very nice.

SECURITY GUARD
We had no choice sir, it was the only way to shut them up after we sabotaged Australia’s wheat and sugar markets.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
But Australia is one of our allies.

SECURITY GUARD
Well, we wouldn’t dare drop it on one of our enemies.   They might retaliate with a bomb of their own…
(Half a beat.)
But luckily none of our allies have an atomic bomb.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Why not?

SECURITY GUARD
They rely on us to protect them.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Well, they know they can trust us to look after them.

SECURITY GUARD
Just like they trusted us in World War One…
(Half a beat.)
Which we entered three years late.   And they trusted us in World War Two…
(Half a beat.)
Which we entered two years late.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Why did we do that?

SECURITY GUARD
We wanted to make certain we knew who was going to win, before committing ourselves to taking sides.   That way we couldn’t lose.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
But that’s not very brave!   That’s not in the spirit of George Washington, Douglas MacArthur, and John Wayne.

SECURITY GUARD (Amazed.)
John Wayne, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
America’s greatest World War Two hero.

SECURITY GUARD
But John Wayne never even fought in the war!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
He didn’t?

SECURITY GUARD
No sir, he was in a protected industry…
(Half a beat.)
Making movies.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Are you sure about that?

SECURITY GUARD
Positive sir, he stayed home, where it was safe, and made all those silly movies about America winning the Second World War.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Silly movies!   How dare you?   What was silly about them?

SECURITY GUARD
The fact that they always show us conquering Berlin.   When actually the Russians conquered Berlin.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
They did?

SECURITY GUARD
Yes sir, they got there days before either us or the Brits.   That’s why we started the cold war, by refusing to speak to them after the war.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
We refused to speak to the Brits after the Second World War?

SECURITY GUARD (Shaking his head in amazement.)
No, no, sir, the Soviet Union…!
(Half a beat.)
Oy vay, it’d be easier to teach a gorilla to speak!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Because the Soviets got all the glory for conquering Berlin?

SECURITY GUARD
No sir, because they got all the booty: Hitler’s remains, and zillions of dollars worth of art treasures stolen from France…
(Half a beat.)
We were hoping to at least get the stolen art treasures.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
To return to France?

SECURITY GUARD
No, sir, to Switzerland.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Switzerland?

SECURITY GUARD
That’s where all our private bank accounts are, sir.   At least the ones that we don’t want anyone else to know about.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
I’m afraid I still don’t understand why we were late to both the World Wars?

SECURITY GUARD
Don’t worry too much about it, sir.   We were really really early to the Korean War.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
We were?

SECURITY GUARD
Yessir, we started the Korean War, just so MacArthur would have something to do with his spare time.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Well, you can’t get much earlier than that.

SECURITY GUARD
No, sir, you sure can’t.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
But what has all this got to do with us dropping an atomic bomb on Australia, our closest ally.

SECURITY GUARD
I’m afraid that I’m a little confused, sir?   Which one do you want to talk about?   Australia, or our closest ally?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Both!

SECURITY GUARD
Both at once?   Couldn’t that get a little confusing, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, it couldn’t!   Because Australia is our closest ally.

Security Guard bursts out into laughter.

SECURITY GUARD
Ha!   Ha!   That’s a good one sir.   Do you know any more?   I heard a good one the other day, about a Nun and three Shetland Ponies…
(Half a beat.)
Or was it three nuns and one Shetland pony?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
That sounds positively disgusting…!
(Half a beat.)
How does it go?

SECURITY GUARD
Anyway, as I was saying, sir, if Australia were our closest ally, we would never have sabotaged their wheat and sugar markets.   Just so we could help finance world communism, by saving Russia billions of dollars on its food bill.   Which they can now use to build better weapons systems, and staff a much bigger army, for when the Soviets begin their big push to take over the world…
(Half a beat.)
I mean let’s face it, sir; at the moment you’re the best thing the Russians have got going for them.

Security Guard starts laughing heartily.

Bush joins in the laughter for a moment.

He suddenly stops and looks offended.

SECURITY GUARD
And of course, sir, the real irony of it all, is that you only ever got into power thanks to those semi-obscene ads. which old Crazy Ronnie used, in which he accused Jimmy Carter of taking a weak line against communism…
(Half a beat.)
But let’s face it, sir; Jimmy Carter was almost fanatically anti-Communist, compared to you and Crazy Ronnie Raygun!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Yeah that’s right, ha!   Ha!

SECURITY GUARD
At least Carter didn’t sabotage Australia’s wheat and sugar markets, just to finance the cause of world communism to the tune of billions of dollars.

Security Guard bursts out into laughter.

Bush joins in the laughter for a few moments, until realising what Security Guard said.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Ronnie knew that he could always count on me to take care of Russia after he stole…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, wrested away Australia’s vital wheat and sugar markets…
(Half a beat.)
Wrest is all right, isn’t it?

SECURITY GUARD
Wrest?   Oh yessir, it’s just fine…
(Half a beat.)
Even though everybody knows it’s just a polite way of saying steal.   Sort of like the way a robber might wrest money out of a bank…
(Half a beat.)
At gunpoint.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
After all, now that Barbara has left me, I have to have something to do…!
(Half a beat.)
No, no, that’s not what I meant to say at all.   The feminists will get me for that one…
(Half a beat.)
Actually that reminds me of a joke I heard the other day.

SECURITY GUARD
Oh God, does it?

Bush glares at him.

SECURITY GUARD
Er, well, um, that is, oh good, does it?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
What do you call a smart woman?

SECURITY GUARD (Bored.)
I don’t know sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
A brain box!

Bush starts laughing while Security Guard stares at Bush in amazement.

The telephone on Bush’s desk begins to shrill.

Security Guard picks up the receiver.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
If that’s Germaine Greer, tell her to fuck off.

SECURITY GUARD (Speaking into the receiver.)
Fuck off!

He slams the receiver down on the telephone.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Was it Germaine Greer?

SECURITY GUARD
I don’t know sir, I didn’t give them time to say.   It could’ve been the Queen of England, or a queen from California, for all I know.

BUSH (Sounding worried.)
My goodness, I hope it wasn’t the Gremlin.

SECURITY GUARD
The Gremlin, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
That big place in Russia, where all the top pinkoes hang out.

SECURITY GUARD
You mean the Kremlin?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Oh, is that what it’s called?   I’ve been calling it the Gremlin ever since I came to the White House.

SECURITY GUARD
What, first thing this morning, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
No, first thing eight years ago…
(Half a beat.)
No wonder the people in Russia seem to think I’m a bit strange.

SECURITY GUARD
It’s not just the people in Russia, sir.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
What I meant to say is, now that Barbara has left me, I need something to get on top of.
(Jumping to his feet/Shouting.)
Oh God!   Oh God!   I can’t get any sex!   I can’t get any sex!

SECURITY GUARD
Calm down, sir!   Calm down…!
(Half a beat.)
And don’t look at my ass that way!   Mrs Bush has only gone to your son’s place for the long weekend.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
She has?

SECURITY GUARD
Yessir.   Whoever told you that she’d left you, is either very stupid, or else very very cruel.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
It was Dan Quale.

SECURITY GUARD
Ah!   Very very cruel…
(Half a beat.)
Good old Qualey, the kidder.

Security Guard starts laughing.   Bush joins in the laughter for a moment, and then becomes very serious.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
I’ll get him for that!
(Sitting down at his desk again.)
Could you send Qualey in here to see me for a moment?

SECURITY GUARD
Right away, sir.

Security Guard starts walking toward the door.

BUSH (Sarcastically.)
No, in four years time.

Security Guard walks back over to the desk.

SECURITY GUARD
Then I’ll write it down in my diary, that you want to see Mr Quale in this office, in four years time.   In the very unlikely event that you’re still in office at that time…
(Half a beat.)
Or if you’re not still in office, which will most likely be the case, since even the American voting public aren’t dumb enough to make the same stupid mistake two elections in a row, then I can probably arrange for Mr Quale to make time to see you, in his office, at his convenience.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Qualey has an office in a convenience?   I knew he gave everyone else the shits.   But I didn’t know he was incontinent himself…!
(Half a beat.)
No, no, I want to see him now, I was only joking.

SECURITY GUARD
Oh I see, sir.   I’m sorry but it’s so hard to tell with you…
(Half a beat.)
You make so many dumb statements.   So you want to see Mr Quale in here, right away?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Yes, and could you lend me your machine-gun for a moment?

SECURITY GUARD
My mashie?   You wanna borrow my mashie?

Security Guard clutches his machine-gun tightly in both hands.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Don’t worry, I’ll give it back.

SECURITY GUARD (Doubtful.)
Honest?

Bush holds up one hand in a Boy Scout pledge.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Honest Injun!

SECURITY GUARD
No, no, sir, you mustn’t say that!   You aren’t allowed to say that anymore!

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Why not?

SECURITY GUARD
Because the itchy-bums don’t like it…
(Half a beat.)
I mean the Injuns don’t like it…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, you aren’t allowed to say that anymore, since the redskins got the vote.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
So I can’t say “honest Injun” anymore?

SECURITY GUARD
I’m afraid not, sir.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Holding up his hand again.)
All right, dishonest Injun!

SECURITY GUARD
That’s more like it!
(Straight at camera.)
I’ve gotta hand it to George Bush, he always calls a spade a spade…
(Half a beat.)
And a spick a spick…
(Half a beat.)
And a ching a ching…
(Half a beat.)
Come to think of it, that’s probably why the ethnic-Americans never vote for him.
(To Bush.)
But why do you want my mashie, sir?

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Well, let’s put it this way, what do they do with Quails in England?

SECURITY GUARD
They shoot them.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Bingo…
(Half a beat.)
Anyway, I promise to give back your mashie.
(He gives his best toothy grin.)
Trust me on this one!

SECURITY GUARD (Worried.)
That was what Tricky Dicky Nixon said when they asked him if he’d ever bugged any Democrats…
(Half a beat.)
The deaf old bastard gave them a long-winded lecture about the evils of sodomy…
(Half a beat.)
Before realising they’d said bugged, not buggered.   Actually I was almost going to lend it to you, before you said I could trust you.

BUSH (Pleadingly.)
Go on, go on, please?   I just want to kill Qualey, then I’ll give it straight back to you.

SECURITY GUARD
Just as the Secret Service bursts into the room, having heard the gunfire.   So that my fingerprints will be on the murder weapon, not yours.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Yeah, that’s the idea.

SECURITY GUARD
I think I can see your point, sir.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Oh my goodness.

Bush reaches one hand down between his own legs, and swivels his chair around, so that we can’t see.

ZIPPER BEING DONE UP.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

ZIPPER BEING UNDONE.

Bush hurriedly adjusts himself.

ZIPPER BEING DONE UP again.

SECURITY GUARD
Are you in much pain, sir?

Bush swivels around to face the camera again.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (In high, squeaky voice.)
Yes, but I can handle it!

SECURITY GUARD
Yessir.   From what Qualey tells me, you handle it a lot.

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE — DAY
Bush is now wearing black glasses and holding a white cane.   A golden Labrador is sleeping beside his desk.

GEORGE BUSH Snr.
Do you think that might be why I’m having trouble with my eyesight?

Security Guard is moving his mouth as though talking, but without producing any sound.

Bush picks up an old-fashioned ear trumpet from the floor.

GEORGE BUSH Snr. (Placing horn to his left ear.)
Eh?   What was that, sonny?

SECURITY GUARD
I said, I’ve heard that it also causes deafness…
(Half a beat.)
Well, I guess it’ll be all right.

He hands his machine-gun to Bush who takes off the dark glasses and puts down the hearing-trumpet.

SECURITY GUARD
Just so long as you give it back, once you’ve finished with it.

Security Guard walks across to the door, opens the door, and walks out of the room.

INT. WHITE HOUSE — DAY — DESERTED CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BUSH’S OFFICE

SECURITY GUARD
Mr Quale, sir?   Mr Quale, sir, are you there?   Mr Bush would like to have a final word…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, a quick word with you, Mr Quale.
As Security Guard walks slowly down the hall, there
is the SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY.

SECURITY GUARD
Mr Quale, sir?   Come out; come out, wherever you are.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM — DAY
A famous scientist is being interview.   He has seemingly hundreds of microphones in front of him.

NARRATOR
During the Raygun and Bush era…
(Half a beat.)
Or should that be error?   The United States got the reputation for “Daring to be Different” as George Bush once put it, on controversial ecological issues…
(Half a beat.)
Well, it sounds better than saying we Americans are a bunch of ecological terrorists, doesn’t it?

Tanya and Cameraman are in the press gallery in front of the stage.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Tanya Makepeace, NBC in New York…
(Half a beat.)
Professor GOLIGHTLY, I’d like to ask your opinion about the problem of global warming in relation to America’s continuing policy of ecological terrorism…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is, “daring to be different”?

GOLIGHTLY
My own belief is, that for the human race to survive, we must abandon the Earth and colonise Mars before the year 2100.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
So you’re a pessimist, Professor?

GOLIGHTLY
No, on the contrary.   I like to think of myself as an optimist.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
An optimist?

GOLIGHTLY
Yes, I am very optimistic about our chances of colonising Mars by the year 2100…
(Half a beat.)
I just don’t think Earth has got a snowball’s.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
Oh, I see.

NARRATOR
After President Bush, we had President CLINTON.

INSERT — PICTURE OF HILLARY CLINTON

NARRATOR
Ah come on guys, stop messing about.   You know damn well that isn’t President Clinton.

INSERT — PICTURE OF BILL CLINTON UPSIDE DOWN

NARRATOR
Oh come on guys, give us a break for Christ’s sake!

Picture of Bill Clinton turns right side up.

NARRATOR
I said stop messing about.   That isn’t President Clinton.

INSERT — 2ND PICTURE OF HILLARY CLINTON

NARRATOR
Now that’s more like it!   That is President Clinton…
(Half a beat.)
Well, it was after she divorced Bill, married Dan Quale and was elected America’s first woman president in 2020 AD….
(Half a beat.)
George Bush is on record as saying that he lost the 1992 election to Bill Clinton because he chose Dan Quale as his running partner.   But it is more likely that after two Loony Toon presidents like Reagan and Bush the people of America decided it was time to vote in someone who was at least borderline-sane…
(Half a beat.)
And with Bill Clinton that’s just what they got.   Someone who was borderline-sane…
(Half a beat.)
Well actually, he’s more borderline, than sane.

INT. LIVING ROOM OF WHITE HOUSE — EVENING
Bill and Hillary Clinton seated on sofa, watching TV.

HILLARY
Bill, did you see that black comedy film I told you about?

BILL CLINTON
Yes, but I didn’t really like it.   I didn’t even laugh once…
(Half a beat.)
I threw-up twice, but I never laughed once.

HILLARY
Don’t you like black comedy, dear?

BILL CLINTON
Well, I like Eddy Murphy and Richard Pryor.   And sometimes Lenny Henry…
(Half a beat.)
But I don’t find Bill Cosby even remotely funny.

Hillary looks astonished.

HILLARY
Bill, you really should try to be more broad-minded.

BILL CLINTON
How dare you!   I’m very broad-minded…
(Half a beat.)
In fact I’ve always got broads on my mind.

HILLARY (Glaring at him.)
What was that, you lecherous creep?

BILL CLINTON
Er, well, um, that is, I meant to say that I heard from that idiot Jeff Kennett, in Australia again today?

HILLARY
Oh God, what does he want this time?

BILL CLINTON
It seems he’s going ahead with his plans to conquer Australia, and wants to know if I’ll help him…?
(Half a beat.)
He says he’ll split it with me fifty-fifty, but he wants the big half…
(Half a beat.)
Typical Liberal politician!

HILLARY
Hmmm, sounds interesting…
(Half a beat.)
Speaking of the Kennetts, I wonder if there’s any connection between Felicity Kennett working for that Aussie TV show, “Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise”, and that classic Three Stooges episode “Healthy, Wealthy and Dumb”?

BILL CLINTON
Well, it certainly sums her up, anyway…
(Half a beat.)
Well, apart from the healthy and wealthy bit.   Talk about cruelly ironic.   Oh and talking about Australia, I heard a good joke the other day.

HILLARY
Oh God, did you!

BILL CLINTON
What’s the difference between Alexander Downer and Henry Kissenger?

HILLARY (Bored to tears.)
I’m damned if I know?   Or care.

BILL CLINTON
When Henry Kissenger lied in parliament, he was never caught!   Ah ha ha…!
(Half a beat.)
Or at least never twice in one session.

KNOCKING ON DOOR behind them.

The door opens and PERSONAL SECRETARY enters.

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Mr Clinton, sir?

BILL CLINTON
Yes, what is it?   Can’t you see I’m watching my favourite TV program?

HILLARY
And you know how cross he gets when he misses his Bugs Bunny.

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Er, yeah, right, sorry about that, Mr Clinton.   But I have a proposition for you from the King of Jordan.

BILL CLINTON
How dare he?   I’m not that kind of guy…!
(Half a beat.)
Unless of course, he’ll let me be the man.   That might be different.

HILLARY
It certainly would be around here.   If only you could be the man for me some times.

BILL CLINTON (Under breath.)
If only you’d let me sometimes.

HILLARY
What was that, you little maggot?

BILL CLINTON
How dare you?   I told you I’m not that kind of guy!

HILLARY
You deaf bastard, I said maggot.   Not faggot!

BILL CLINTON
Oh well, that’s all right then.   I don’t mind being called a maggot.
(He considers for a moment.)
Well, actually, come to think of it, I do mind being called a maggot.

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Er, well, I’ll go ring back the King of Jordan, sir, and give him your counter proposition.

Personal Secretary turns and walks out through doorway.

HILLARY
I don’t want to offend you, dear.   But are you sure you even know where Australia is?

BILL CLINTON (Angry.)
How dare you?   Of course I know where Australia is!   It’s up the top of the world, near Hungary…
(Half a beat.)
The Australian-Hungarian Empire.   They started the First World War, by invading Holland…
(Half a beat.)
How big an idiot do you think I am?

HILLARY
Pret…
(Half a beat.)
Tee big by the sounds of things.   You’re forgetting we’re married.   I live and sleep with you.   If I don’t know how big an idiot you are, who does?

BILL CLINTON
Oh yeah, I was forgetting that.

HILLARY
Anyway, I’ll leave you to your cartoons.

Hillary gets up and walks out of the room.

Personal Secretary returns a few seconds later.

BILL CLINTON
George, lemme ask you, what do you know about women?

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Only that they’re not human.   They’re actually aliens…
(Half a beat.)
There’s been a Martian invasion going on for the last four million years or so…
(Half a beat.)
Also I know Gene Roddenberry described them as “The Givers of Pain and Delight”.

BILL CLINTON
“The Givers of Pain and Delight”?   Hmmm, I like that definition.   That sums up very nicely the way Hillary treats me…
(Half a beat.)
Apart from the delight, of course.

Personal Secretary considers this remark, looking astonished.

INT. WHITE HOUSE GYMNASIUM — DAY
Bill Clinton on a fitness machine, while his personal FITNESS TRAINER, a gorgeous woman, watches on.

NARRATOR
Like John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton had a bit of a reputation for liking the ladies.   Which sometimes got him into trouble.   Particularly when the ladies didn’t like him as much as he liked them…
(Half a beat.)
Which quite frankly, was most of the time.

BILL CLINTON
Oh God, this machine is killing me!

TRAINER
Come on Billy, just two more for me.

BILL CLINTON
That’s what you said last night.   But when I tried it, even once, you slapped my face.

TRAINER
Er, yes, but I think we were talking at cross purposes last night…
(Half a beat.)
All right, Billy, let me help you down so we can do some sit-ups.

BILL (Grinning idiotically.)
I bags top position!

TRAINER
You deaf old bastard!   I said sit-ups!   Not push-ups!

BILL CLINTON
Oh, damn!

He “stumbles” and ends up with her ass in one hand and her breasts in the other.

BILL CLINTON
Whoops, how did that happen?

TRAINER (Struggling with him.)
I don’t know.   But if it doesn’t stop happening pretty quickly, I’ll call my good friend…
(Half a beat.)
Lorena Bobbit, to pay you a visit.

He quickly releases her and straightens up.

TRAINER
Okay now just watch, while I do a few sit-ups first.

She lies on her back on the floor, legs slightly parted, and starts doing sit-ups.

Bill walks round to stand by her feet and starts smiling lecherously.

BILL CLINTON
Hey, guess what I can see?

TRAINER
What?

BILL CLINTON
I’ll give you a clue…
(Half a beat.)
It’s furry, and it’s smiling at me.

She hurriedly closes her knees.

TRAINER
Well, stop looking, damn it!

NARRATOR
Of course, during Bill Clinton’s reign as president, America hosted the centennial of the Olympic Games, at Atlanta in 1996.

EXT. ATHLETIC SPORTING TRACK — DAY
A Russian javelin thrower is lining up to throw.

INT. TV COMMENTARY BOX — DAY

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
Russian thrower GORBIE JERKOFFALOT is all but out of the competition.   He needs to throw over ninety metres on his last throw, to have any chance of taking gold from the USA.

EXT. ATHLETIC SPORTING TRACK — DAY
Jerkoffalot throws.

JERKOFFALOT
Whoops-ski.

The javelin clearly slips from his hand as he throws.

INT. TV COMMENTARY BOX — DAY

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
What bad luck for the Russian; the javelin seems to have slipped out of his hand as he was throwing it.

EXT. ATHLETIC SPORTING TRACK — DAY
A number of measurers are standing about on the field.

ZEKE (1st Measurer.)
Come on, Joe, it’s falling well short.

He starts back up field toward throw-off line.

JOE (2nd Measurer.)
Take care, Zeke, you could get killed.

ZEKE
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

The javelin hits Zeke in the stomach.

INT./EXT. TV COMMENTARY BOX/ATHLETICS TRACK– DAY
(INTERCUT SEQUENCE.)

COMMENTATOR
(Shouting/Into microphone.)
Oh my God!
(Calmly.)
I’m afraid the javelin has fallen well short.   Barely eighty metres.

Zeke is staggering slightly backwards.

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
No wait, make that eighty-two metres.

Zeke staggers a little more.

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
No, no, eighty-three metres.

Zeke staggers a little more.

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
No, no eighty-five metres.

Zeke staggers a little more.

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
No, eighty-seven metres.

Zeke staggers a little more.

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
Eighty-nine metres.

Zeke staggers a little more.

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
Ninety metres even.

Zeke staggers a little more.

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone.)
Ninety-two metres.

Zeke staggers a little more, and then finally falls over backwards on the field.

COMMENTATOR (Into microphone/Shouting.)
Ninety-four point five metres…!
(Half a beat.)
In an amazing turn around, Russian javelin thrower Gorbie Jerkoffalot has come from nowhere, to snatch gold, with an amazing final throw of ninety-four point five metres.

INT. WHITE HOUSE, LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Bill and Hillary on sofa watching TV, both looking amazed.

HILLARY (Astonished.)
Oh my God, did you see that?

BILL CLINTON
Yeah, what a rip off…!
(Half a beat.)
The American javelin-thrower could have hit him too.   But he wouldn’t stand still for our guy!

Hillary looks astonished.

INT, WHITE HOUSE — DAY — PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
with big desk, behind which two crossed Stars-and-
Stripes are attached to the wall.   There is a PC terminal on one corner of the desk.

NARRATOR
After Hillary Clinton…
(Half a beat.)
Whoops, I mean Bill Clinton, the next president of the United States was GEORGE BUSH JUNIOR, also know as Junior Bush, “Mad Dog” Bush, and a number of other names far too obscene for me to say in this movie.
(Half a beat.)
“Mad Dog: Bush was most famous for…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, lemme see…
(Half a beat.)
Well, basically only for being the most senile…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, what I meant to say was, the eldest first term president.

“Mad Dog” Bush is being shown the office by an elderly Personal Secretary.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
All right, here’s my first order of the day….

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Yes sir, what would you like?   The Scrabble Board?   Or Chinese Checkers?   Tiddly winks…?
(Half a beat.)
That was Daddy Bush’s favourite pastime while he was here.
(Half a beat.)
Or if you’re a bit more sophisticated than your daddy…
(Half a beat.)
And God help you, if you’re not.   We’ve just got the latest version of Super Mario Brothers.   This version is so new; it hasn’t officially been released in the stores yet.   But nothing is too good for our new incoming president.   The CIA just twisted a few arms…
(Half a beat.)
Broke a few legs, made a few death threats, kidnapped a few people, blew-up the stray car.   And here it is, just for you.

Personal Secretary walks round and turns on the PC.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
No, no, first order of business, I wanna see the file….

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Would that be a file for your fingernails?   Or a woodworking file, sir?   We do actually have a presidential manicurist on the payroll if your nails need touching up a little.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
No, no, I wanna see a business file.

PERSONAL SECRETARY Understanding at last.)
Oh my God, you wanna see a file…?
(Half a beat.)
We’ve never had a president who wanted to look at files before….

“MAD DOG” BUSH
I wanna see the file on Hanger 17.

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Hanger 17, sir?

“MAD DOG” BUSH
At Beale Airforce Base in California…
(Half a beat.)
Where they have the Alien babies.

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Alien babies, sir?

“MAD DOG” BUSH
The alien babies from the crashed UFO that was found in the mid 1960s.

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Er, I’m sorry sir, there are no alien babies.   We never found a crashed UFO in the 1960s.

“MAD DOG” BUSH (Shocked.)
No Hanger 17?

PERSONAL SECRETARY (Shaking head.)
No Hanger 17, sir.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
No alien babies?

PERSONAL SECRETARY
I’m afraid not, sir.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
Then lemme see the file on the UFO shot down by the Airforce in 1952.

PERSONAL SECRETARY
I can’t do that, sir.
“MAD DOG” BUSH (Angry.)
And why not?

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Because the Airforce never shot down a UFO in 1952.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
Are you sure about that?

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Pretty sure, sir.   I think they would have told me if they’d shot down a UFO in 1952…
(Half a beat.)
I was the minister in charge of the U.S. Airforce in those days.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
But I’ve devoted the last fifty years of my life to getting to be president, just so that I could learn the truth about the alien babies, and the UFO that we shot down in 1952.   And now you’re telling me they don’t even exist?

PERSONAL SECRETARY
I’m afraid not, sir.

“MAD DOG” BUSH (Covering his face with his hands.)
Oh God, I’ve wasted the last fifty years of my life!

PERSONAL SECRETARY (Shocked.)
Oh my God!   Don’t tell me you’ve only just worked that out?
(Calmly.)
Don’t take it so hard, sir.
(He picks up the telephone receiver.)
I’ll order you a nice cup of milky coffee with extra sugar, and then we can play Super Mario Brothers for the next four years…
(Half a beat.)
And that’ll make it aaaall better.

CLOSE ON “MAD DOG” BUSH grinning idiotically.

PERSONAL SECRETARY
Don’t worry sir, with any luck someone will blow-up the World Trade Towers and you can go on an insane world-domination rampage under the pretence of fighting terrorism.   You can allow the C.I.A. to become the most insane terrorist organisation in history and commit atrocities, which would make the Nazis, throw up.   And you can build up jingoistic racism in this country to such a fever pitch that people won’t notice that you’re doing fuck all to run the country or help the starving millions.

CLOSE ON “MAD DOG” BUSH grinning idiotically again.

FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE:

TAG:

FADE IN:
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM — DAY
“Mad Dog” Bush being interviewed by Tanya Makepeace.   Don Arnolds is beside her.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
How dare you, you young whipper-snapper-ette…!
(Half a beat.)
I’ll have you know that in my day female reporters weren’t allowed to say things like that to the president of the United States.

TANYA MAKEPEACE
I don’t believe it!

DON ARNOLDS
No, no it’s true.   In his day the women had to sit in silence at the back of the room…
(Half a beat.)
Next to the dinosaurs.

“MAD DOG” BUSH
Exactly.

 ”MAD DOG” BUSH looks puzzled, considering this remark.

FADE OUT:

END OF TAG: