(lights come up on a SPEAKER is standing on stage)

          There is a fine line between sleep and death. You see sleep is there to keep you from dieing. Most people seem to want one right in front of the other.

         “I want to die in my sleep” or “I want to die in my bed”

          I don’t want to die like that. Now I also am not one of those freaks that want to go out in a blaze of glory. The thought of jump off Mt Rushmore from inside Abraham Lincoln’s nose on and then pretending you’re booger never really struck me as a fun way to leave the mortal coil.

          There is even a smaller number of you so called “normal people” that say “You know what? Do you want to know how I want to die? Fucking! Yeah I want to come and go at the same time.”

          Well one of two things is going to have to happen. Either you are having sex with a deadly weapon in your hand, or you are stupid enough to be making love with enough illegal substances to kill a horse, let alone a human being. To be honest, how many of us want to go with this look on their face? (Gives his/her ugliest “O” face) God forbid you get stuck with that for eternity.

          Also, you want to tell St Peter that story if you are in the borderline between North and South. Don’t forget, you may have to do it with the face.

          No thank you. No mam. I want to go out quick and painless, nothing too fancy, you know. I don’t want anything special. I was thinking that I would I would hang myself, but that wouldn’t kill me at all. Nope; I would let a bunch of kids or midgets, depending on how the mood strikes me.