SHANA WINTERS: Fifties or sixties.   Tall, medium to plump build.   One of the Beauties.

ELMIRA deWILDE: Fifties or sixties.   Medium height; medium to plump build.   One of the Beauties.

DAVINIA WATKINS: Fifties or sixties.   Medium height, medium build.   One of the Beauties.

TONY LAZARUS: Fifties or sixties.   Medium to tall height, thin to medium build.   Floor Manager

TINA LAZARUS: Aged 18.   Short to medium height.   Attractive.   Tony Lazarus’ daughter.   Mail Girl.

SANDY DAVIDSON: Early fifties.   Tall, solidly built.   Winters’s ex-lover.   Director of Keeping Up.

SUZIE: Davidson’s bimbo secretary

SECURITY GUARD: At Davidson’s building

EXTRAS
studio audience on the set of The Beauties; passers-by in
the streets;

INTERIOR SETS:
TV STUDIO

ROBERT COLEMAN’S HOUSE
— living room
— bedroom
— two-car garage
— inside

ROBERT COLEMAN’s car

SANDY DAVIDSON’S BUILDING
— elevator bay
— reception desk
— corridor from elevator bay to reception desk
— interview room
— ground floor reception area
— inside elevator

SHANA WINTERS’ APARTMENT
— living room
— kitchen

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS:
SHANA WINTERS’ APARTMENT
— street outside apartment block
— driveway
— landing outside front door

ROBERT COLEMAN’S HOUSE
— street outside house
— patio outside front door

SHANA WINTERS (To Coleman.)
What?   How can you say something like that?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Easily, I merely open my mouth, and out it comes.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Very droll, Shana.   Well, at least your parrot liked it.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Don’t call me a parrot, Ferret-Face!

TONY LAZARUS
Right, we’re off the air.   Go on to the next letter after the commercial break, Rob.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Whatever you say, Tony.

SHANA WINTERS
I still don’t see why we should have to look at his ugly face all the time.
(Pointing at Coleman.)

ELMIRA deWILDE
Yes, it’s enough to make you want to throw up.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Would you rather be behind him, looking at his ugly backside all the time?

SHANA WINTERS
Now that’s a thought; that would be enough to make you throw up.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Personally, I think it’d be a much better arrangement if we sat in two rows, facing toward the audience…
(Half a beat.)
With me in the front row, of course, since I’m the main attraction; the one they all come to see.

SHANA WINTERS
You the main attraction?   You couldn’t be the main attraction at a freak show.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Whereas you, on the other hand….

SHANA WINTERS
Christ you make me sick to the stomach with your smart-arse I-Love-Me attitude to life!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Why don’t you shut your big trap, you old bag!   Before I shut it for you.

SHANA WINTERS
Why you…
(Half a beat.)
You just try it, you pig!

ELMIRA deWILDE
You tell him, Shana.   Don’t take any crap from that stupid old bastard.

TONY LAZARUS
For God’s sake all of you shut up.   You’re making fools out of yourselves in front of the studio audience.
(He points toward the audience.)
And we’re due to go back on the air in twenty-five seconds.   So for Christ’s sake, just for once in your lives, try to act like professionals.

SHANA WINTERS
Well, I still don’t see why we have to sit looking at that ugly bastard?   (She points at Coleman.)

TONY LAZARUS
So you can speak directly to one another while you’re discussing people’s problems.   How would it be if Rob sat in front of you, and had to keep craning his neck back over his shoulder to talk to you?

SHANA WINTERS
It’d be fine with me.   With any luck at all the stupid bastard would twist his head around too far and break his neck.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I’ll twist your head around too far and break your bloody neck break in a moment, if you don’t watch your fat mouth!

SHANA WINTERS
Just you try it, you worthless pinch of….

TONY LAZARUS
Look for God’s sake, who cares where you’re facing, as long as you’re visible to the audience?   That’s the only important thing.

SHANA WINTERS
Well,…
(Half a beat.)
All right…
(Half a beat.)
I suppose so.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Jesus, why this show was ever called “the Beauties” is beyond me…
(Half a beat.)
I’ve never seen a bigger pack of dogs in my life.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Why don’t you try looking in the mirror.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now if they’d called it “Dogs” I could’ve understood it.   Or perhaps “The Kennel Club”…
(Half a beat.)
Or how about calling it “Fido Inc.”?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Or “Fido and the Beauties”?

Watkins and Winters laugh at this.

TONY LAZARUS
All right then, I’m glad we’ve finally got that sorted out.
(He does his stopping-starting motion.)
Right, we’re going back on the air.

ROBERT COLEMAN (To the audience.)
Well, if we can’t get the girls to say any words of wisdom.
(He clears his throat loudly.)
To Patricia C., then I suppose we’d better move straight on to our next letter.   Debra Z. writes: “I recently began attending meetings of a demonology cult, along with my husband, and would like to know whether or not it would be wise, at the next meeting, to volunteer to be the human sacrifice’?”

ELMIRA deWILDE
My God!   Two of them in the one day.   Where does he dig them up from, anyway?

SHANA WINTERS
Probably from the cemetery.   I hear he’s into necrophilia.

ROBERT COLEMAN
“P.S. My husband says that I should.   He says it is my duty to prove that I’m a true believer, worthy of remaining a member of coven.”

ELMIRA deWILDE
Are there really people like that in the world, or does he make them up himself?

SHANA WINTERS
There must be.   Coleman wouldn’t have enough brains to make up anything.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Besides, even Coleman couldn’t be sick enough to make up letters like that one.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Oh I don’t know.   Coleman can be pretty sick when he sets his mind to it.

SHANA WINTERS
That’s a contradiction in terms, honey.   Mentioning Coleman and a mind in the same sentence.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Are you lot quite finished?   If you don’t watch the smart-arse remarks you will be…
(Half a beat.)
In a big way!

DAVINIA WATKINS
My God, she would have to be one of the biggest ratbags of all time.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Who?   Elmira, or Shana?

DAVINIA WATKINS
No, I meant that stupid bitch who sent in the last letter.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Debra Z.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Whoever…
(Half a beat.)
She would have to be every bit as mentally retarded as the last silly bitch.

SHANA WINTERS
I think the zed must stand for zilch.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now, now ghouls…
(Half a beat.)
I mean girls, when people write in to us with their problems they don’t expect to be maligned for their trouble.   Although I suppose they should by now.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Maligned?   Maligned?   Hell, she’s talking about allowing a group of ratbag devil worshippers to use her for a human pin cushion, and you’re worried about us maligning her?

DAVINIA WATKINS (To the audience.)
Look dear, with a ratbag letter like this one it’s always difficult to know whether you’re trying to take the mickey out of us, or whether you’re genuinely a ratbag.   But, on the good chance that you’re genuinely a ratbag, I would suggest you should be more concerned with remaining a member of the living, than becoming a member of some crackpot sect that wants to re-enact the Masonic Juwes rites upon you.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now come on, Davinia, how can you state categorically it’s a crackpot sect?

DAVINIA WATKINS (Puzzled.)
What the Hell else could it be?

ROBERT COLEMAN
They may be a quite serious, down to earth group of devil worshippers, for all you know.

SHANA WINTERS
Serious, down to earth devil worshippers?   You’ve said some pretty dumb things in your time, Coleman, but that really does take the cake.

ELMIRA deWILDE
You mean the fruitcake in his case.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Look devil worshipping can be just as serious a religion as any other.   After all, how do you know who the true god really is? — Jehovah? — Allah? — Beelzebub?

ELMIRA deWILDE
The sick bit is that I think he really means it; he really is serious.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Oh come on, that bastard is never serious.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Except when he’s telling us all how good he is.   Then he’s dead serious.

SHANA WINTERS
I wish he were…
(Half a beat.)
Dead that is.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Which only goes to show how easily the bastard can be sucked in.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Shut up you old bag…
(Half a beat.)
Before I’m forced to shut you up.

SHANA WINTERS
That’s his standard spiel when he’s lost for words…
(Half a beat.)
“Shut up you old bag”.
(Imitating a talking parrot.)
“Ah ah.   Cocky want a cracker?   Ah ah.”

Coleman’s hands are gripping the letter so tightly that he is nearly tearing it into two.

deWilde has her head in her hands, trying unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter.

DAVINIA WATKINS
How come we keep getting these ratbag letters anyway?

SHANA WINTERS
Because that ratbag, Coleman, keeps selecting them.   Look why does that headcase get to pick the letters anyway?

TONY LAZARUS
Somebody has to select them.

SHANA WINTERS
Then why can’t one of us….

Winters waves her left hand around in a vague sweep of the panel.

SHANA WINTERS
Select them?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Because we want serious letters.   Not the Mills and Boon style letters you dumb bitches would select.

SHANA WINTERS
Serious letters?…
(Half a beat.)
You mean to say you actually have the gall to call those last two serious letters?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Of course.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Now we know he really is a ratbag.

ELMIRA deWILDE
So what’s news?   We’ve always known that.

SHANA WINTERS (To Coleman.)
What do you mean of course?

ELMIRA deWILDE
No, no, dear, I think he meant they were both pretty coarse.

SHANA WINTERS
Well, he ought to know.

Tony steps forward and does his stopping-starting motion again.

TONY LAZARUS
Right, we’re going to another commercial break…
(Half a beat.)
I think things are getting a little out of hand, Rob, so go on to the next letter when we go back to air.

ROBERT COLEMAN
But we haven’t finished with this one yet.

WINTERS/deWILDE/WATKINS (Insistent.)
Oh yes we have!

ROBERT COLEMAN
But I still have some comments I wanted to make on it.

SHANA WINTERS
Then bless you, Tony, bless you for sparing us his comments.

ELMIRA deWILDE
None of your comments are ever worth a pinch of shit anyway, Ferret-Face.

SHANA WINTERS
On the contrary, honey, that’s all they are worth.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Look don’t I even get a say in this?   After all, who is the front man around here?

SHANA WINTERS
I often wonder that myself.   Tony’s the only man around here, and he stands at the side of the stage.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Very funny, bitch.   An idiot couldn’t have put it much better.

SHANA WINTERS
Couldn’t you?

DAVINIA WATKINS
Don’t worry, Headless, all of your comments are complete nonsense anyway.   So you can hold over for another letter any comments you have left.

ELMIRA deWILDE
And if they’re totally irrelevant no one will ever notice the difference.

ROBERT COLEMAN (To deWilde.)
Up yours bitch!
(To Tony.)
Look I’ve still got a lot of important points I’d like to make.

SHANA WINTERS
Well, that certainly makes a change.   Normally everything you say is pointless bullshit!

TONY LAZARUS
Sorry Rob, but some of your comments were starting to go a bit too far.   Don’t forget this is a family show.

DAVINIA WATKINS
My God!   What family would watch this show?

ELMIRA deWILDE
The Manson Family maybe.

TONY LAZARUS
Sorry Rob, but….

ROBERT COLEMAN
Yeah, yeah, I know, go on to the next letter when we go back to air.

TONY LAZARUS
That’s it in a nutshell.

ELMIRA deWILDE
You’re only half right, Tony…
(Half a beat.)
Coleman is nuts all right; but doesn’t have a shell.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Too bad, I was hoping he’d crawl back into it.

SHANA WINTERS
I wish someone would shell him…
(Half a beat.)
Say with a forty-pound mortar!

ELMIRA deWILDE
Don’t be so extravagant Shana.   A simple hand-grenade would be more than good enough to use on Coleman.

SHANA WINTERS (Shaking head.)
How did I ever allow myself to be conned into doing this stupid show?

ELMIRA deWILDE
I know just what you mean.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Still, it’s probably the closest you two old bats have ever come to being conned.

SHANA WINTERS
Why you foul-mouthed son of a bitch!

Coleman ignores Winters and begins slowly sorting through the mail.   He sorts it into three stacks, occasionally lifting a letter up close to his face for a better look, and continually shifting letters from one stack to another.

Finally he finds one to his liking, and turns around for a moment to nod to Tony, who goes through his stopping-starting motion again.

TONY LAZARUS
Right, we’re going back on air.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Facing the audience.)
Well, our fourth letter for today is from Michelle D., who writes: “My husband and I were losing all interest in sex, at least with each other, and. our marriage was suffering as a consequence.   That is, until we discovered pain.   Sado-Masochism has put the magic back into our sex life, and has brought new meaning into our marriage.   We started out with metre rulers, then quickly moved along to riding whips and canes, then finally to leather straps and chains.   What we would now like to know, is whether or not castration is a viable prospect?   P.S. My husband would like to know whether or not he could still take the dominant role afterwards?”…
(Half a beat.)
Well, girls…
(Clearing throat loudly.)
What have you got to say to Michelle?

deWilde shakes her head slowly, and rests her chin in her hands.

ELMIRA deWILDE
You got me?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Please, don’t make me throw up.   I’ve just eaten!

SHANA WINTERS
Is this letter for real, or what?

DAVINIA WATKINS
What kind of crackpot is she, anyway?

ROBERT COLEMAN (To the audience.)
Well, Michelle, I would tend to answer no to the second part of your question, and suggest you ought to consider taking in an au pair boy to service you both…
(Half a beat.)
Over to you, Shana.

SHANA WINTERS (Startled.)
Over to me?   My God, what could I possibly add to it?   That is without a doubt the sickest letter we’ve ever had on this show, and we’ve had some real beauts.   And the same goes for your answer, Headless.

ROBERT COLEMAN
All right then, if we can’t get any words of wisdom from Shana — which is understandable, since you can’t draw blood from a stone — what about a few words from Elmira?

deWilde shakes her head, still resting her chin in her hands.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Davinia?

Watkins shakes her head also, so Coleman turns around in his seat to face the audience.

ROBERT COLEMAN
It’s funny, when we’re off the air there’s no shutting them up; it’s natter, natter, natter, day and night, night and day, like a brood of clucky hens.   Yet as soon as we go on the air, they all develop instant lockjaw and seize up tight as clams….

DAVINIA WATKINS
Unlike Coleman, who is never lost for words.   Even if they are usually pretty stupid ones.

SHANA WINTERS
God how I wish he were lost.   Say in Zimbabwe for instance!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Come on, Shana, while you’ve got your mouth in overdrive, how about a few words of wisdom for Michelle?

SHANA WINTERS
Look what could I possibly say to her?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, you had more than enough to say to the first woman…
(He hunts through the mail.)
Sondra Q.   So how about a few words for Michelle?

SHANA WINTERS
If I did say anything to Michelle, it would only be censored out anyway.   Sondra had a genuine problem she was seeking our help with.

ROBERT COLEMAN
So does Michelle.

SHANA WINTERS
You call that a serious problem?

ROBERT COLEMAN
To her husband it sure would be.   To a man, castration is a pret-ty serious matter.

SHANA WINTERS
Not to you it wouldn’t be.

ELMIRA deWILDE
But then he isn’t a man.

SHANA WINTERS
Good point, well made.

ROBERT COLEMAN
It’s probably the closest she’s ever come to being made.

Tony steps forward and does his stopping-starting motion.

TONY LAZARUS
Right, we’re off the air again…
(Half a beat.)
Go on to the next letter after the ad. break.

Coleman starts sorting through the three stacks of mail again.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I might as well, if these stupid bitches aren’t going to say anything intelligent about the last one…
(Half a beat.)
Not that the dumb sluts ever say anything intelligent!

Winters jumps out of her seat and glares at Coleman.

SHANA WINTERS
Why you loud-mouthed son of a bitch!

ROBERT COLEMAN
I am not your son…
(Half a beat.)
Thank God

SHANA WINTERS
Who are you calling a bitch?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now, now, Shana, stop hallucinating.   I never called anyone a bitch.   I merely stated I am not your son…
(Half a beat.)
Although by the looks of you, you dried up old bag, you’re probably old enough to be my mother…
(Half a beat.)
Or my grandmother, for that matter.

Winters leaps out of her chair, and runs around to Coleman, and tries to drag him out of his chair.

SHANA WINTERS
You bastard!   I’ll rip your balls off!

ELMIRA deWILDE
How can you rip off what isn’t there?

ROBERT COLEMAN
My God, the desperate bitch is trying to rape me.

DAVINIA WATKINS
She really must be desperate, if she’s trying to rape you.

SHANA WINTERS
Come on you pansy, get up and show us what you’re made of!

DAVINIA WATKINS
Shana, please!   Think of the smell!

Tony and deWilde run across to Winters and Coleman.   Tony drags Winters away from Coleman, and deWilde leads Winters back to her seat.

They both sit down, and Tony returns to the edge of the stage.

SHANA WINTERS
This isn’t over yet you bastard, not by a long shot!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, I don’t know what the bitch is getting so uptight about, for the life of me.

SHANA WINTERS
It’ll be the death of you, if I have my say in the matter!

TONY LAZARUS
Well, if the commotion is over, is it all right to go back to air now?

He looks at Coleman, then Winters, and receiving no answer, goes through his stopping-starting motion.

TONY LAZARUS
Right, we’re going back on the air.

Coleman selects a letter off the top of one of the three stacks and lifts it up to read it out.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Our final letter for today, is from Sandra W.   She writes, “I am a healthy, twenty-nine-year-old woman, who likes men and likes dating.   But the problem is that every man I go out with these days seems to have only one thing on his mind: sex.   I have no scruples about having sex before marriage, however, I do not feel that I should have to come across every time I go out with a guy.   I don’t believe in going to bed with a man on the first date.   Whatever happened to good old-fashioned courting?”

Coleman puts down the letter again.

ROBERT COLEMAN
It was killed off by Lesbians Incorporated.   Sometimes known as the Women’s Liberation Movement!

SHANA WINTERS
Come on, this is no joking matter!

ROBERT COLEMAN
So who was joking?

SHANA WINTERS
Look, the woman has obviously got a very serious problem, which she needs our help with.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Namely that she’s queer, oops, sorry.   That really dates me….

DAVINIA WATKINS
Well, I’m glad for you, because nothing else would!

ROBERT COLEMAN
I meant she’s gay.

SHANA WINTERS
Oh come on!   How can you possibly say that?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Because he’s an idiot.

SHANA WINTERS
The woman has said she has nothing against men, or against sex in principal.

ROBERT COLEMAN
That’s what they all say.   But it’s obvious to anyone with a brain….

SHANA WINTERS
Well, I guess that lets you out!

DAVINIA WATKINS
Is that what let him out?   I thought he escaped.

ROBERT COLEMAN
It is obvious to anyone with a brain, which the woman doesn’t go in for normal…
(Half a beat.)
I mean straight sex.

ELMIRA deWILDE
What?
(Shaking head.)
You’ve said some dumb things in your time, but that….

ROBERT COLEMAN
Come on, it’s a well-known fact that lesbians who suffer from a guilt complex, as most of them do, always try to conceal the truth about themselves by saying they don’t like to go to bed with a man on the first date.

SHANA WINTERS
A well-known fact?   Huh!   A well-known fact made up here and now by you!

ROBERT COLEMAN
What they don’t mention — and of course should — is that they really want to go to bed with another woman.   On the first date, or at any other time for that matter.

DAVINIA WATKINS
What a load of rubbish!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Oh come on, everyone knows it.

SHANA WINTERS
Then that must make me nobody, because I’ve never heard of it before.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, I certainly can’t argue with that.

SHANA WINTERS
What!   Why you….

ROBERT COLEMAN
In fact, unless I miss my guess….

ELMIRA deWILDE
And it wouldn’t be the first time.

ROBERT COLEMAN
There’s at least a bit of lesbian in every woman.

DAVINIA WATKINS
What?   Now you’re really stepping out of line.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Is that so?   Then why is it that nearly 80% of the people who watch beauty pageants are women?

DAVINIA WATKINS
Because women are nowhere near as bitchy toward each other, as men are to each other.   A woman is able to genuinely appreciate the attractive figure of another woman.   Rather than being jealous of it, as seedy slobs like you are always jealous of real men!

ROBERT COLEMAN
What a load of crap!   “Appreciate the attractive figure of another woman!”   Christ, that’s almost as good as a direct confession….

DAVINIA WATKINS
What?   Oh come on now!

ROBERT COLEMAN
What am I saying?   That was a direct confession.   What do you think this programme is?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Good question; wish I had an answer for it.

ROBERT COLEMAN (To Watkins.)
“True Confessions?” or the serialisation of “I, Lesbian”?

DAVINIA WATKINS (Shouting.)
How dare you?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Hell, I seem to be surrounded by lesbians.   They’re popping up everywhere these days, even on my show.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Why you bastard!

ROBERT COLEMAN (To the audience.)
You know, this situation reminds me of the old joke, where the father asks his son, “What would you like to be when you grow up, son?”   And the boy replies, “A lesbian.”   The father staggers back in shock, and cries, “For God’s sake why?” and the son replies; “So I can make out with all of the best looking women!”

DAVINIA WATKINS
What?   Why you…
(Half a beat.)
You….

ROBERT COLEMAN
Not that I mean to imply for even a second that you’re one of the best-looking women around.
(He scans his head around the beauties’ bench, then grimaces.)
Although, come to think of it, around here you probably are.
(To the audience.)
And I didn’t intend that as a compliment to Ms Watkins!
(He pronounces ms as “mizzzzz” drawn out like a misguided buzzing sound.)

SHANA WINTERS
Oh come on now!   I mean, that is really sick!   Would you mind telling me just what the Hell that…
(Half a beat.)
That joke — for the want of a better word — has to do with anything?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Everything, surely.   You’ve just called it sick, but then isn’t that Sandra’s problem: that she is sick; that she badly needs to open the closet door and step out?

Winters looks toward Tony, hoping he will stop for a commercial break, however, Tony conveniently has his head looking away from Winters.

SHANA WINTERS
Oh come off it!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Oh come off it yourself.   Either she is a closet lesbian, or else she’s completely frigid!

Coleman scratches his chin for a few seconds, pondering.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Hmmm, yes come to think of it, that’s most likely what her problem is: frigidity.   It seems to be a common enough problem among women these days.

DAVINIA WATKINS
What?   Oh come on!   How much more of this crap do we have to listen to, Tony?

ROBERT COLEMAN
It is not crap.   In fact, all women seem to be at least a little bit afraid of sex these days.   Although, for the life of me, I can’t understand why.

SHANA WINTERS
Oh now you’re really spewing out the verbal diarrhoea!   No way in the world are all women afraid of sex!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, Blind Freddie could tell you’ve got nothing to be afraid of, Shana!

TONY LAZARUS (Signalling a break.)
Right we’re off the air….

SHANA WINTERS (Shouting.)
And it’s obvious that’s who you are: Blind Freddie!   Or a blind bigot, to be completely accurate!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, it makes an unexpected pleasure, to hear you being completely accurate for a change.   Normally you couldn’t hit the truth if it were the size of a barn door.

SHANA WINTERS
Why you loud-mouthed….

Standing, Winters moves to run across to Coleman.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Oh God here we go again, tantrum number ten for the week…
(Half a beat.)
Now the stupid bitch is going to run all the way around here again, and make with the wildcat routine again.

This stops Winters in her tracks.   She stops, returns to her seat and sits down again, glaring at Coleman.

ROBERT COLEMAN (To Tony.)
You know I can’t decide if she’s really so loony that she lives perpetually on the brink of a nervous breakdown, or whether she’s simply a masochist, and is hoping I’ll do my block and beat her about a bit?

SHANA WINTERS
Since I work on this program, it must be that I’m a masochist.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Or perhaps the stupid slut is merely tired of being on the show and hopes that if she goes far enough I’ll fire her.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I wish someone would fire you, Ferret-Face…
(Half a beat.)
Say out of a cannon.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Or better still, with a flaming torch!

SHANA WINTERS (To Coleman.)
Ha!   You couldn’t fire anyone you stupid bastard, you’re only the bloody mail boy!   Reading out junk mail!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Watch it bitch!

SHANA WINTERS
And as for being tired of being on this show, I was tired of it by the end of the first week!

DAVINIA WATKINS
It took her a whole week?   Hell I was tired of the show after the first night.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Well, I can top that, because I was tired of the show before it even went to air.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Don’t worry, the way you’ve been performing lately, you might not have to worry about appearing on the show much longer.

SHANA WINTERS
Oh drop dead, Ferret-Face!

TONY LAZARUS
Cool down, Shana, we’re going back to air.

SHANA WINTERS (Shocked.)
Really?   I never knew we were off the air?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, do try to keep up with things dear, I know it’s sometimes difficult at your age!

TONY LAZARUS (To Coleman.)
Sign off, we’re out of time.
(He does his stopping-starting motion.)
Right, we’re going back on the air.

ROBERT COLEMAN (To the audience.)
Well, it appears as though we’re out of time for today.   It’s just amazing how time flies when you’re having fun….

SHANA WINTERS
My God!   Can’t you at least use some slightly less overdone clichés?

ROBERT COLEMAN
So, it’s goodbye until tomorrow, when we hope to again have the pleasure of your company.

TONY LAZARUS (Signalling a break.)
Right, we’re off the air.

SHANA WINTERS
If this bloody show is your idea of having fun, Ferret-Face, and then you must be an even bigger idiot than most people say you are!

DAVINIA WATKINS
Don’t be silly, Shana, it’s impossible to be a bigger idiot than people say he is.

Standing, Coleman gathers up the mail from his desk and carries it over to TINA, who walks on to stage from the left.

ELMIRA deWILDE
He must have been too deaf to hear you?

SHANA WINTERS
Or too dumb to realise she was insulting him?

ROBERT COLEMAN
How in the Hell did I ever get laden with these dumb sluts anyway?

Tony, shrugs his shoulders.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I suppose it’s a matter of having to take whoever you can get with a show like this?

TONY LAZARUS
Don’t ask me.   I don’t do the hiring.

SHANA WINTERS
Which is why we don’t hold it against him for having to work with a prick like you!

ELMIRA deWILDE
You tell the bastard, Shana.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Oh shut up, Parrot.   Can’t you ever make an original remark?   Instead of merely backing up everything that dumb slut says?

SHANA WINTERS
Don’t waste your breath trying to provoke us.   A person has to care what you think of them, before they can be provoked.

ELMIRA deWILDE
In other words, she doesn’t give a bugger what you think of her, Ferret-Face.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Is that what she meant, Parrot?   I thought she meant it’s too late for her to start worrying about what people think of her.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Stop calling me Parrot, you prick!

SHANA WINTERS
Don’t be provoked by the bastard, honey.

TONY LAZARUS
Anyway, if TV Ringside is over, I’d like to be able to prepare the stage for the next program.

Everyone walks off stage to the LHS of SHOT, except Tony.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM — EARLY EVENING
In the back left hand corner is an armchair; in the back right hand corner is a three-person sofa; in the centre of the room is a small coffee table.

Coleman is sitting on the left hand end of the sofa; Tony on the right, Tina sits in the armchair.   On the coffee table is an opened bottle of moselle, a corkscrew, and three wine glasses.

Coleman leans forward, in his chair and picks up the bottle of moselle and holds the bottle up toward Tony.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Tony?

TONY LAZARUS
Yes, please.

Coleman pours a glass of wine, which he hands to Tony, then holds the bottle toward Tina.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Tina?

TINA LAZARUS
Yes, please.

TONY LAZARUS
No, she’s still too young.

TINA LAZARUS
Oh dad!   I’m not a kid anymore; I’m eighteen.

ROBERT COLEMAN
That is the legal age…
(Half a beat.)
And after all, this is a special occasion for her: the end of the first day in her first job.

TINA LAZARUS
Yes, Dad, how am I supposed to celebrate my new job without a glass of wine?…
(Half a beat.)
You said yourself I’m lucky to be able to get any work at all with the job situation as it is these days.

TONY LAZARUS
Oh all right, but just one glass.   There’s no need for you to become an alcoholic just because you’re out of school now.

TINA LAZARUS
Oh, Dad!   You don’t have to be either a teetotaller or an alcoholic.   There are options in between.

TONY LAZARUS
Just so long as you remember that.

Coleman pours out a glass of wine, which he hands to Tina.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Come on Tony, get off the girl’s back.

Coleman pours himself a glass of wine, takes a sip, and then sits back.

ROBERT COLEMAN
What did you think of your first day at work?

TINA LAZARUS
Oh not too bad.
(She takes a sip of wine.)
It gets a bit boring after a while, just sorting through the mail.   But no more boring than schoolwork.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Yes, I can believe it.   They say that school is the worst years of your life.

TONY LAZARUS
Shouldn’t that be school is the best years of your life?

TINA LAZARUS (Mocking.)
You can sure tell it’s a long time since you’ve been to school, Dad!

ROBERT COLEMAN
She’s got you there, Tony.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM — LIT
A tall, beak-faced man, Sandy DAVIDSON, is sitting at a desk holding a copy of a script.

In front of the desk sits Shana Winters, also holding a script.   Davidson is looking a little bemuse.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Er, yes, yes, that’s fine, Shana.

SHANA WINTERS
I can read some more if you like, Sandy.

SANDY DAVIDSON (Holding up his hands to stop her.)
No, no, that will be fine, Shana.

SHANA WINTERS
I’ve learnt it all by heart.

SANDY DAVIDSON
That’s fine.   I’ve heard enough to judge what you can do.

Winters sits there expectantly, obviously refusing to take the hint when Davidson looks down at some papers on his desk and starts sorting through them.

After a few moments, Davidson looks up and seems surprised to see Winters still seated before his desk.

SANDY DAVIDSON
That will be all, Shana.   I’ll still have to listen to a few more before making a final decision.   But you’re definitely on the short list.

For a moment Winters still seems reluctant to leave. 

Finally she stands and holds out a hand toward Davidson.   However he has already looked back down at the papers on his desk.

Looking a little angry at this brusque treatment, Winters stands up, and heads across to the door, which is slightly ajar.

INT. CORRIDOR — EVENING
Winters walks out into the corridor and strides past the reception desk toward the elevator.

As she reaches the elevator bay, the elevator arrives with a CHING.

The doors open and Winters steps forward, and almost collides with Davinia Watkins exiting the elevator.

Like Winters, Watkins is holding a rolled up script of about eighty or ninety pages.

The two women seem shocked to see each other.

Winters steps back from the elevator to allow Watkins out.

SHANA WINTERS
Well, well, fancy meeting you here, honey.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Yes, fancy.

SHANA WINTERS
Don’t tell me you’re trying out for a job in the secretarial pool?

DAVINIA WATKINS
I see you’ve still got your sense of humour, dear.   Or at least your humour.   Even if you have lost your sense!

SHANA WINTERS
No, no, of course, how silly of me.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Well, that’s nothing new!

SHANA WINTERS
You’d have to be able to read and write, before you could type.   Wouldn’t you?

DAVINIA WATKINS
Don’t you know?

SHANA WINTERS
No, I can’t type.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Oh, I thought you meant you can’t read or write.

SHANA WINTERS
Ha, ha, very droll.   Don’t steal my jokes, honey.   I know you have trouble getting laughs….

DAVINIA WATKINS
Whereas people stop in the street to point and laugh at you.

SHANA WINTERS
Well, it certainly has been boring standing here chatting with you, but I must be off.

Winters turns away and starts to walk toward the elevator.

DAVINIA WATKINS
I’ll say you must be.   Either that, or else they’re having problems with the sewerage around here.

Winters stops and turns back to face Watkins.

SHANA WINTERS
Very droll, honey.   Keep at it.   One day with any kind of luck, you just might make village idiot!

DAVINIA WATKINS
No, no, I’d never dream of depriving you of that role…
(Half a beat.)
It’s the one you were born to play.

SHANA WINTERS
Well, as I said, I really must be going.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Really?   I thought you went long ago!

SHANA WINTERS
Whereas, by the smell of you, honey, you haven’t been in years!

CHING as a second elevator arrives at the floor.

Winters turns around and strides toward the elevator and enters as soon as the doors open.

The elevator doors shut, leaving Watkins glaring after Winters for a few seconds.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Don’t think it’s going to end there, bitch!   You’ll get your comeuppance before too much longer!

Watkins turns left and walks down the corridor to the reception desk.

There is a young blonde bimbo-type, SUZIE sitting at the desk, hunting and pecking at an old-fashioned typewriter.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Hello, Suzie.

SUZIE (Grinning idiotically.)
Hello, Mrs Watson.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Watkins.

Suzie stares at her blankly, obviously not comprehending.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Er, never mind.   Is Mr Davidson in yet.   I’m just in time for my appointment.

SUZIE (Pointing down corridor.)
Yes, go right in.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Thank you, Suzie.

She strides past the reception desk, across to the first door and RAPS on the door.

SANDY DAVIDSON O/S
Come in.

Watkins reaches for the door handle.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM — EVENING
Davidson is sitting at the desk, with his head down, poring through some papers in a black clipboard.

The door, LHS of shot opens and Watkins enters, closing the door again behind her.

Watkins walks up to the desk and stands for a few seconds, unnoticed by Davidson as he pores through the papers.

After a few seconds, Davidson looks up and sees Watkins standing before the desk.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Oh Davinia, so glad you could come.

He stands and holds out his right hand, and they shake hands.

SANDY DAVIDSON (Sitting again.)
Please take a seat.

He waves his left hand toward the chair beside the desk, and Watkins walks over to it and sits down.

INT. LIVING ROOM — EVENING — ROBERT COLEMAN,
Tony and Tina, seated as before.

ROBERT COLEMAN
What are your plans for the future, Tina?   You surely don’t want to be a letter opener all of your life!

TINA LAZARUS
No, that’s true.
(She takes a sip of wine.)
I intend keeping this job to build up work experience, then do a degree.

ROBERT COLEMAN
What in acting?   Directing?

TINA LAZARUS
No, in accountancy.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Brains as well, eh?

TONY LAZARUS
She’s not just a pretty face, you know.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Yes, I’d noticed, she’s also got a great body.

Tony looks offended, and Tina embarrassed.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Will you be going back to school full time, or part time?

TINA LAZARUS
Part time, at night school.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Won’t that take a long time?

TINA LAZARUS
Upwards of six years.

Coleman lets out a low whistle.

ROBERT COLEMAN
You really believe in planning ahead?   Don’t you?

TINA LAZARUS
Well, you have to these days, let’s face it.

TONY LAZARUS
I’ve tried to convince her to go back full time, but she can be damn stubborn at times.

TINA LAZARUS
Oh, Dad!   I’m sick and tired of having to live on a shoestring.   Slaving away at a part time job between homework and assignments.

TONY LAZARUS
You’ll have money saved from this job over the next year.   Add that to your HECS Grant….

TINA LAZARUS
And I’d be living well below the poverty line for three or four years?   No thanks!

TONY LAZARUS
I’d help you out, if things got bad.

TINA LAZARUS
Dad!   I appreciate the offer, but no thanks.   Can’t you just accept the fact my mind is made up?

TONY LAZARUS (Frustrated.)
Kids!   You just can’t get them to do anything you want them to do these days!

TINA LAZARUS
I know, Dad.
(Mimicking Tony.)
“When I was a boy, blah blah blah….”

Coleman and Tina laugh, but Tony looks offended.

TONY LAZARUS
There’s no reason to mock me, honey.

Coleman reaches for the bottle of wine, tops up Tina’s glass, then his own, then holds the bottle toward Tony.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Tony?

Tony nods, so Coleman refills his glass, then returns the bottle to the table and leans back on the sofa.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Still you’ve got to admit the kids of today are a lot more clued up than what we were as kids.

TONY LAZARUS
But at least we knew how to respect our parents’ wishes.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Too much more often than not.   The kids of today are awake to the fact that respect isn’t something you magically get just by growing old; it’s something you have to earn.   The parents of our day were too keen on ordering us around; trying to make us live some kind of extension of their lives, instead of allowing us to have a life of our own.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM — EVENING — AS BEFORE

SANDY DAVIDSON
Well, what do you think?

Watkins unfolds the script in her hands.

DAVINIA WATKINS
I think I could handle the role all right.   It’s similar to a couple of parts I did a few years back.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Yes, that’s what I told the producer, Reg Hunter, when I recommended you for the part.

DAVINIA WATKINS (Standing.)
Then I’ve got the part?

Davidson waves her to be seated, and Watkins sits down again.

SANDY DAVIDSON
I can’t guarantee it yet, but you’re the number one contender at this stage.   At this point it is really up to Reg to decide whom he wants for the part.   I’ve made it clear I think you’re right for it; but the last word is with Reg.

DAVINIA WATKINS (Dejectedly.)
I see.

SANDY DAVIDSON
However, Reg and I have worked together a lot in television and theatre down the last fifteen years, so I expect he probably trusts my judgement enough by now so that you’re almost certain to get the part…
(Half a beat.)
There are still three others on the short list, but….
(Waving hands round expressively.)

DAVINIA WATKINS (Nervously.)
I…
(Half a beat.)
I couldn’t help noticing Shana Winters coming out of here when I arrived.

Davidson looks at Watkins for a moment, as though surprised by this comment.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Yes, poor dear, Shana.   I’ve really only let her read for it as a favour.

DAVINIA WATKINS
A favour.

SANDY DAVIDSON (Nervously.)
Er, yes, you see, Shana and I are old friends.   When she rang up for an audition, I felt I owed her at least that much.

DAVINIA WATKINS (Dismayed.)
Oh, I see….

SANDY DAVIDSON (Considering a moment.)
Yes, poor dear, Shana.   I suppose she tries her best.   But if the talent just isn’t there.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Then she’s not likely to actually get the part.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Oh no, don’t worry.   She’s not a serious contender for the role.   Frankly she’s not much of an actress.
(Smiling broadly.)
Certainly not in your class anyway.

Watkins smiles broadly now.

There is a few seconds, while Davidson plays with papers on the table and Watkins gazes down at the script in her hands, then Davidson leans back in his chair.

SANDY DAVIDSON
I’ve arranged for you to read part of the first script to Reg in a few days time.   So it’s vital you know it off by heart by then, so there’s no chance of you making a careless slip and missing out on the part.

DAVINIA WATKINS
I already do know it by heart.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Good, good.   Then perhaps you’d like to read a few pages to me, so I can see for myself you really know it.

DAVINIA WATKINS (Surprised.)
What, now?

SANDY DAVIDSON
You’ve got no objections, surely?

DAVINIA WATKINS
Well, no…
(Half a beat.)
Except I’ll need someone to read the other parts.

SANDY DAVIDSON
That’s all right, just read a couple of pages from the dialogue between Wilma and Sophie, from page….

He picks up a copy of the script from the table, and leafs through the script for a few seconds before finding his place.

SANDY DAVIDSON
From page thirty-one.   You read Wilma, and I’ll read Sophie.

DAVINIA WATKINS
All right.

SANDY DAVIDSON
The series gets its name, of course, from the fact the characters are in the upper-middle class bracket; pre-occupied with keeping up with the Joneses.   That’s why Wilma is so put out by Sophie welching on the loan.   Not because she particularly needs the money, but because of the shame attached to the act of welching.   After all the Jones kids just don’t welch on their parents to the tune of five grand.

DAVINIA WATKINS (Puzzled.)
But wouldn’t suing her own daughter be construed as not keeping up with the Joneses?

SANDY DAVIDSON
No, not at all.   The Joneses are a backstabbing pack of bastards.   They must spend almost half their time suing or bankrupting other members of their own family…
(Half a beat.)
So, if you’d like to start from line five.

Watkins turns to the right page, and stands up.

SANDY DAVIDSON
There’s no need to stand; you can read it sitting down.

Watkins sits again and reads it through to herself for a second or so, then reads it aloud.

DAVINIA WATKINS
“I’m sorry Sophie, but if you won’t repay the loan, then I’ll just have to sue for it.”

SANDY DAVIDSON
“But Mum, how am I ever going to raise $5,000?”

DAVINIA WATKINS
“I don’t know, and it’s none of my concern.”

SANDY DAVIDSON
“But Mum, if you make me pay it back now, I’ll have to sell my new car.”

DAVINIA WATKINS
“Then sell it!”

SANDY DAVIDSON
“But Mum, if I sell it, I’d have to drop my boyfriend, Jeff.   It’s difficult enough commuting back and forth between Melbourne and Adelaide every weekend as it is; without selling my car.”

DAVINIA WATKINS
“Then drop him!”

SANDY DAVIDSON
“That’s all right for you, Mum.   But I’m still young enough to have a sex drive.”

DAVINIA WATKINS
“Then you’ll just have to go back to your husbands.   I never could understand why you left them in the first place.”

SANDY DAVIDSON
“Oh Mum, they’re both so boring.”

DAVINIA WATKINS
“How can you say that?   I think they’re both perfectly charming.   And so very understanding too.   Most men would be perfectly livid to find out their wife is a bigamist.   But not Sergio and Danny, they were positively wonderful about it, and were both quite happy to share you.”

SANDY DAVIDSON
“That’s only because they’re both gay, and were at each other every second, when they thought I wasn’t about.”

DAVINIA WATKINS
“Nonsense!   How can you say that?”

SANDY DAVIDSON
“Because it’s perfectly true.”

DAVINIA WATKINS
“It is not.   I personally can vouch for the fact Danny isn’t gay!”

SANDY DAVIDSON
“Mother!   What do you mean?”

SANDY DAVIDSON
I think that’s enough.   It’s pretty obvious you know the script…
(Half a beat.)
There is just one thing….

DAVINIA WATKINS
Something I’m reading wrong?

SANDY DAVIDSON
No, no, it isn’t that you read anything incorrectly, it’s just…
(Half a beat.)
I know you’ve done a lot of comedy work down the years….

DAVINIA WATKINS
Yes, that’s right.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Well, it’s important you never confuse the delivery style of comedy acting, with what you should be doing with a straight serious drama, like Keeping Up.

DAVINIA WATKINS (Nodding.)
I think I understand what you mean.

INT. LIVING ROOM — THE FOLLOWING EVENING
Coleman is sitting at the right hand end of the sofa, while Tina sits in the armchair in the right hand corner of the room.   On the coffee table is an opened bottle of moselle, and two filled wine glasses.

TINA LAZARUS
So what did you want to see me about, Mr. Coleman?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Call me Robert, or better still, Rob.

TINA LAZARUS
Okay, Rob what did you want to see me about?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Oh no reason really.   I just wanted to see how you were holding up under the tedium of your new job, after your second day of work.

TINA LAZARUS
Oh, it’s not too bad….

She leans across and picks up her glass of wine, sits back in her chair and takes a sip of wine.

TINA LAZARUS
If I’d known we were going to celebrate each individual working day with wine, I’d have left school years ago.

Coleman leans over and picks up his own glass of wine, and takes a sip, then leans back again.

ROBERT COLEMAN
No, just seeing you through the first few days.
(He takes a bigger sip of wine.)
Although, if you play your cards right, maybe we can work out something a little more permanent.

Coleman gives Tina a knowing look, and she averts her eyes towards her glass of wine.   They both sip in silence for a moment, then Coleman finishes his wine.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Drink up.   It’s best if you don’t let it sit in the glass too long.   There’s plenty more.   And more bottles in the dining room.

Tina finishes her wine, and Coleman refills her glass, then his own, then sits back on the sofa.

ROBERT COLEMAN
So you don’t think you’d be able to stomach opening letters for six or seven years during the day time, while doing night school?

TINA LAZARUS
No, I never intended to keep this job for more than a year or so to build up capital, and then look around for more interesting work.   It was only due to dad nagging me about how difficult it is to get any work at the moment, that I took the job at all.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Yes, that makes sense.   At the moment, with the job scene as it is, it’s a matter of taking whatever you can get.   But even the sanest person would go mad opening letters all day for much more than a year or so…
(Half a beat.)
Mind you, the last woman who had your job, was a full time letter opener for the station for more than twenty-five years.

TINA LAZARUS
Really, what happened to her?   Did she retire?

ROBERT COLEMAN
No, she went mad.
(He laughs for a second.)
No, I was only kidding.   In fact she did retire.   I guess even the most dedicated letter opener can only stick to it for so long.

INT. LIVING ROOM — EARLY EVENING
In the back left hand corner is a two-person sofa; in the back right hand corner is a small coffee table, in front of which is an armchair, facing in toward the centre of the room.

Winters is sitting on the right hand end of the sofa; deWilde in the armchair.   A cup of tea sits on a saucer near each of them, on the coffee table.

deWilde picks up her cup, lifting and holding the saucer under the cup, and takes a sip of tea.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I’ve heard rumours you’re going into a new TV series?

SHANA WINTERS
Well, it’s not definite yet.   But it looks that way.

She picks up her cup and saucer, takes a sip of tea.

SHANA WINTERS
Mind you, it’s only a bloody soap opera.   But then anything would have to be better than doing The Beauties.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Then you’ll be leaving Beauties if you get the part?

SHANA WINTERS (Staring at deWilde.)
Do you even have to ask?

ELMIRA deWILDE
No, I guess not.   Still I’ll miss seeing you on the set.

SHANA WINTERS
Look, don’t worry about taking on that bastard, Coleman.   You won’t ever be up against him on your own.   There’s still that bitch Watkins, and whomever they get to replace me.
(They both sip tea in silence for a moment.)
Besides, I might not even get the part yet.   There are still a couple of others in contention; or the show might not go to air.   You know how soap operas are.   There’s one planned every other day, but very few of them ever get on the air.
(He pauses to take a sip of her tea.)
Anyway, if I do get the part, I’ll probably stay on in The Beauties for a while, to see if the show lasts.   Australian soap operas are notorious for their six-day life spans.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Yes, that’s true enough.

SHANA WINTERS
So how are things with you?   Any bites?

ELMIRA deWILDE (Puzzled.)
Pardon?

SHANA WINTERS
Any offers for parts in other shows?

ELMIRA deWILDE
No.   The way things are going it looks as though I’ll be stuck in The Beauties from now until doomsday.

SHANA WINTERS
I thought I heard you were all set for a role in that new soapy, Coming On?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Yes, I thought I was too, But the producer changed his mind at the last moment.   Apparently he decided he needed someone more forceful in the role.

SHANA WINTERS
My God!   How forceful do you have to be for a bloody soap opera these days?
(Shaking head in disgust.)
But isn’t it just like the bastards?   And with all of the experience you’ve got in the TV industry.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I guess experience doesn’t count for much these days.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, that’s true enough.   All this country seems to make these days are documentaries, sports shows, panel shows, and boring bloody soap operas…
(Half a beat.)
Ferret-Face is living proof you don’t need any talent on a panel show; only a big mouth.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Ain’t it the truth though.

SHANA WINTERS
And you sure as Hell don’t need any talent or experience in the soaps.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Well, the way they churn the episodes out in a day or two these days, there’s no way for talent to show through.   So you might just as well not have any.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, that’s certainly true.   But even if they did slow down the filming to a descent pace, any talent you’ve got is wasted in the pathetic story lines they use in soapies these days.
(She picks up a copy of a script from the floor beside the sofa.)
Take this one for instance: Keeping Up.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Is that the one you might have a part in?

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, that’s right.

ELMIRA deWILDE
What’s wrong with it?

SHANA WINTERS
Realism.

ELMIRA deWILDE (Puzzled.)
Realism?

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, it doesn’t have any.   In the first episode Wilma, the part I’m trying out for, sues her own daughter, Sophie, for failing to pay back $5,000 she borrowed to buy a new car.   Sophie is bigamously married to two men, Danny and Sergio, who are bisexuals.   Danny and Sergio are having an affair with each other, which is why Sophie left them.
(Placing script on floor again.)
Danny has also been sleeping around with Wilma, and Wilma’s teenage son, Leon, who is a homosexual transvestite choirboy.   Sophie has a boyfriend, Jeff, who lives in Adelaide, who is a Seventh-Day Adventist, and who is into breast bondage.   And, as a final twist, Wilma’s husband, Dwight, is about to be released from prison, where he has spent the last five years for having sexually molested two six year old girls, and a cocker spaniel.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Two six-year-old girls?   In real life the judge would have thrown the book at him.

SHANA WINTERS
But this isn’t real life, honey; it’s a slop-op.   In this the judge couldn’t care less about the two little girls; but ever since he was a little boy, the judge has wanted to own a cocker spaniel.   But he’d never been able to, as they didn’t have a big enough back yard….

ELMIRA deWILDE (Puzzled.)
How much back yard do you need for a cocker spaniel?

SHANA WINTERS
His parents lived in one of the slums, er, terrace-houses in Fitzroy — now protected by the hysterical society — so they had no back yard at all.   Anyway the judge couldn’t give two hoots about the two little girls, and was going to give the guy six months probation.   But then when he heard about the cocker spaniel, the judge went berserk and gave the guy ten years to life hard labour.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Then how did he get out after only five years?

SHANA WINTERS
Because ten years to live doesn’t really mean ten years to life.   It means ten years minus time off for being a good little boy and offering up your arsehole to any warder who wants it.

Winters pauses for a moment.

SHANA WINTERS
There’s also rumours flying around, that in the second episode Sophie will get out of being sued, by threatening to reveal the details of an incestuous lesbian relationship she and Wilma, who is AC/DC, shared two years earlier.   Or, alternatively, she may open a brothel, using girls from the local High School, to raise the money.

deWilde takes a final sip of tea, then places the cup and saucer on the coffee table.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Well, I can see what you mean about it.   But if it’s that bad, why are you even bothering to try out for a part in it?

SHANA WINTERS
Because no matter how bad it is, it still has to be better than working in The Beauties.   Playing second fiddle to that prick, Coleman.

ELMIRA deWILDE (Reluctant.)
Yes, I suppose so.

SHANA WINTERS (Standing.)
Anyway honey, I’m off.   I’ve got a late appointment for a final reading for the part…
(Half a beat.)
Just a preliminary really, so I shouldn’t be much more than an hour, if you’d like to stay here until I return.   That way you can be the first to hear the good news.

She starts to walk off stage, to the right, but deWilde points at the script beside the sofa.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Won’t you need that?

SHANA WINTERS (Looking back.)
What?
(Seeing the script.)
Oh, yes.

Winters walks over and picks up the script, which she rolls up, then starts walking toward the living room door, LHS of SHOT.

SHANA WINTERS
Well, I’ll see you when I get the part.

ELMIRA deWILDE
If you get it.

SHANA WINTERS
Now, now, honey, don’t go putting the mozz on me Winters walks over to the door, opens it and steps outside.

EXT. LANDING OUTSIDE FLAT — EVENING — DOOR
opens and Winters steps out and starts walking down the landing toward the metal steps leading down to the small residents’ car park.

She takes her keys from her purse and walks down the steps, then opens the car door, gets into the car and starts it.

The car motor STUTTERS for a moment, then turns over and the car starts up and heads out into the street.

INT. ROBERT COLEMAN’S LIVING ROOM — EARLY EVENING
There are now three wine bottles, two empty and one half empty, on the coffee table.   Tina has become tipsy from drinking too much wine.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Are you all right, Tina?

TINA LAZARUS (Drunkenly.)
Feeling a little woozy.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Perhaps you had better lie down on the sofa for a while….

He stands up to make room for her.

Tina stands up, and falls flat on her face.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Or the floor.   Whichever is more to your liking.

TINA LAZARUS
My feet gave way.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I thought they had the right of way.

TINA LAZARUS
So did I.   Must have been mistaken.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Perhaps I’d better give you a hand.

He walks over to Tina, and leaning over her places one arm under her knees, and the other arm on her back, and lifts her up.   He holds her at waist level, and she puts her arms around his neck.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now this is what I call having my hands pleasantly full.

TINA LAZARUS
Home James, and through the park!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, that’s a little bit far in your present condition.   Suppose we settle for the sofa for now?

TINA LAZARUS
Okay.

He places her on the sofa so her head is lying on one end, and her feet against the other end.   He takes off her shoes and places them on the floor at one end of the sofa.   Then he begins to undo her clothing.

TINA LAZARUS
What are you doing?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Just making you a little more comfortable.

TINA LAZARUS
Oh, okay.

He undoes her dress and lifts it over her head and places it near her shoes.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET — DAY — A FEW DAYS LATER
A small car drives up and stops outside a block of flats.   The drivers’ door opens and Elmira deWilde steps out.   She walks up to the block of flats and stops at the mailbox.

She takes a key from her purse, opens the letterbox and lifts out some mail, along with a small key chain with three keys on it.

She locks the letterbox again, returns the key to her purse, then, balancing her purse and the mail in one hand, she walks up to the flats and starts up the metal stairs to the next level.

She walks along the second floor landing and stops outside one of the flats, almost dropping her purse and the mail.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Damn!

She manages to hold onto the purse, but drops the mail and has to bend down and start scooping it up.

She places the mail into her purse, straightens and unlocks the door.

INT. Winters’ LIVING ROOM — DAY, BUT DULL
deWilde enters, shuts the door and snaps on the living room light.

Taking the mail from her purse, she drops the mail on the coffee table, then turns and heads toward the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN — DAY, BUT DULL
The door opens, then a hand reaches in and clicks on the light.   deWilde enters and walks across to the kitchen cabinets.

She hefts the kettle to see how full it is, then fills it at the taps, and places it back on the bench and switches it on.

Then she reaches up toward the overhead cabinets to get some cups.

INT. Winters’ LIVING ROOM — EVENING
deWilde is sitting in the armchair, reading a woman’s magazine and sipping tea.

CAR DRIVING UP OUTSIDE.

CAR DOOR OPENING, THEN SLAMMING AGAIN.

FOOTSTEPS ON THE METAL WALK OUTSIDE.

A KEY IN THE LOCK, then the door opens and SHANA WINTERS
storms into the room.

SHANA WINTERS
That prick!   That bloody stinkin’ prick!

deWilde drops the magazine in shock, and as she stoops to pick it up again.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Who?

SHANA WINTERS
That prick, Davidson!

deWilde places the magazine, closed, on the coffee table, as Winters sits on the sofa.

ELMIRA deWILDE
What did he do?

SHANA WINTERS
The bastard has knocked me back for the part of Wilma.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Why?

SHANA WINTERS
Because the bastard has gone and given the part to that bitch Watkins…
(Half a beat.)
Of all people!

ELMIRA deWILDE (Shocked.)
But why?

SHANA WINTERS
Because he says she’s right for the part, and I’m not.

She wrings her hands in rage.

SHANA WINTERS (Continuing.)
Imagine that bastard leading me on like that; making me think I as good as had the role, when all the time he was plotting behind my back with that bitch!

ELMIRA deWILDE
Then you’re stuck in The Beauties until something else comes along?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh no!   No way!   They’re not getting off that easy.   That bitch Watkins may think she’s got me beaten, but I intend getting the part no matter whom I have to kill for it!

ELMIRA deWILDE
But how?   What can you do?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh there are always ways and means.

ELMIRA deWILDE
But if the director has already decided to give the role to Watkins?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh don’t let that little incidental worry you, honey.   That prick, Sandy, isn’t getting away with that kind of notion.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Sandy?   Do you know this bloke personally or something?

SHANA WINTERS
Know him, oh my yes.   Sandy and I go back a long way honey.   We went to drama school together in the early ’60s…
(Half a beat.)
In fact we shared a room together for nearly ten years.
(deWilde looks shocked.)
Oh you needn’t look so shocked.   People used to sleep around even in those days.   In fact we could teach the so-called permissive society of today a thing or two.

ELMIRA deWILDE
So you’re going to rely on him still possessing some affection for you?

SHANA WINTERS
Don’t be so Mills-and-Boonish, honey.   Whatever affection we had for each other in the past, is long gone.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Then…
(Half a beat.)
Then you’re going to blackmail him into giving you the part?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh yes.   But not over our old sleeping arrangements; that’s too much ancient history to cause dear Sandy any embarrassment in the present.   No, no, he has something far more interesting in his past!

ELMIRA deWILDE
A skeleton in his closet?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh yes, we all have skeletons in our closet, honey.   Sandy’s is murder!

ELMIRA deWILDE
Murder?

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, dear Sandy was the chief suspect in a murder case, many long years ago.   The case is still open, as the killer was never apprehended; as they say in the cop shows.   Our Sandy only got off the hook, because I vouched for him; I said he was with me the night the murder was committed.

ELMIRA deWILDE
And was he?

SHANA WINTERS
No, I lied.   I don’t know whether Sandy is a killer or not.   But he becomes chief suspect again if I ever admit I lied to cover for him.

ELMIRA deWILDE
But still, blackmail?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh don’t be such a puritan, honey.   This is a dog eat bitch industry.   You have to do whatever you can to make the breaks come your way.   Ever since the day I lied to save the bastard’s hide, I knew I’d use it against him if the need ever arose.   But the trouble is the opportunity never came up until now…
(Half a beat.)
When we left drama school, I moved to radio for a few years, then into TV in ‘66, where I’ve been ever since, Dear Sandy went into acting on the stage until the mid ’70s when he took over coaching drama, and producing plays, before finally moving to the small screen in ‘92.

ELMIRA deWILDE
And in 1998 you bleed him dry?

SHANA WINTERS
No, no, honey, in 1998 I call in a debt.

ELMIRA deWILDE
You make it sound as though you’re in the Mafia!

Winters bursts into laughter.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:

INT. ROBERT COLEMAN’S LIVING ROOM — EARLY EVENING – ONE WEEK LATER

Coleman and Tina, dressed in bath robes, are seated together on the sofa, kissing.

Coleman, who is sitting on the LHS, has his right hand in Tina’s robe, caressing her breasts.

KNOCKING ON THE LIVING ROOM DOOR, LHS of SHOT, which
they ignore.

KNOCKING continues and reluctantly Coleman breaks away from Tina.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I suppose I’d better go and see who that is.

TINA LAZARUS
Christ I hope it’s not my father!

ROBERT COLEMAN
We’ll soon find out.

He walks over to the door.

EXT. OUTSIDE FRONT DOOR — EVENING
Elmira deWilde is standing on the front porch as the front door opens.

Robert Coleman seems surprised to see deWilde.

ROBERT COLEMAN
deWilde?…
(Half a beat.)
What the hell?

She pushes past him, through the doorway.

INT. LIVING ROOM — EARLY EVENING — ELMIRA deWILDE
storms into the living room, followed by Coleman. 

deWilde stops short upon seeing Tina seated on the sofa.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I…
(Half a beat.)
I didn’t know you had company.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now you do…
(Half a beat.)
Well, what did you want to talk to me about?

TINA LAZARUS (Standing.)
I’ll wait in the dining room, while you two talk.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Okay honey.

Tina walks across to a door RHS of SHOT, opens the door, and walks through, shutting the door behind her.

ROBERT COLEMAN (To deWilde.)
All right, out with it, I haven’t got all day you know.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Yes, I know you’re a very busy man.   Perhaps…
(Half a beat.)
Perhaps it can wait until tomorrow before the show.

deWilde turns and walks out to the LHS.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I won’t bother to show you out.

EXT. BUSY STREET — EVENING
Car driving along street.   It stops outside a tall, glass-tower.

The door opens and Shana Winters steps out.

She storms across the footpath toward the front doors of the building, not stopping as a security guard approaches her.

SECURITY GUARD
Excuse me, Miss?

At first Winters looks as though she is going to keep going.

Finally she stops and turns round to face the Security Guard, who seems surprised to see her.

SECURITY GUARD
Oh, Miss Winters?

SHANA WINTERS
Hello, Stephen, I just have to see Mr Davidson for a few minutes.

Security Guard looks uncertain for a moment, but finally he steps aside to allow her past.

Winters storms across to the elevator bay, stabs a finger onto the up-arrow, clearly in anger.

When the elevator comes she steps inside.

INT. INSIDE ELEVATOR — EVENING
Winters stabs a finger angrily at the top button, and the elevator starts moving upwards.

INT. ELEVATOR BAY, TOP STOREY — EVENING
CHING as the elevator doors open.

Winters storms out and strides across toward the reception desk.

Suzie is typing away as Winters storms up and slams a hand angrily upon the counter.

SUZIE (Jumping.)
Oh.
(Looking at typing where she has typed the wrong letter.)
Damn!

She looks round to where Winters is standing by the counter, and looks surprised to see her there.

SUZIE (Puzzled.)
Oh, Miss Winters?

SHANA WINTERS
Is that bastard Sandy in.

SUZIE (Shocked.)
Mr Davidson is in yes.

Winters turns and starts striding toward the interview room door.

SUZIE (Leaning over counter.)
But he left instructions that I wasn’t supposed to let you in to see him.

SHANA WINTERS (Glaring at Suzie.)
Just try to stop me, you blonde bimbo!

Suzie looks upset at this remark, as Winters storms off.

INT. INTERVIEW ROOM – EVENING — DAVIDSON
is seated at the desk looking through a script, occasionally making notations with a red pen.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE HIS DOOR and SQUABBLING.

Door opens and Winters bursts in, pushing past Suzie, who is vainly trying to stop her.

Davidson looks up and looks startled to see Winters.

SUZIE
I’m sorry, Mr Davidson, but I couldn’t stop her.

SANDY DAVIDSON
That’s all right, Suzie.   What the hell do you want, Shana?

SHANA WINTERS
A little matter of Alf Smale.

SANDY DAVIDSON (Shocked.)
That will be all, Suzie.

SUZIE
I’m sorry, Mr Davidson, but she refused to stop.

SANDY DAVIDSON
That’s all right, Suzie.

Looking a little uncertain Suzie, steps back out into the corridor and shuts the door after her.

RETREATING FOOTSTEPS.

SANDY DAVIDSON (Guilty.)
What was that about Alf Smale?

SHANA WINTERS
Just a little matter of me lying to save you from frying for murder.   And another little matter of me wanting the role of Wilma in Keeping Up.

SANDY DAVIDSON (Shocked.)
But that’s blackmail!

Winters strides across to the desk, but stays standing, looking down at Davidson.

SHANA WINTERS
Call it whatever you like, but I intend to get that part, by hook or by crook!

SANDY DAVIDSON
But I swear to you I didn’t kill Alf Smale!

SHANA WINTERS
Oh I believe you, honey, but will the police?   They seemed so certain they had their man, before I perjured myself to save your bacon.

SANDY DAVIDSON
But that was so very long ago; way back in the ’60s.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, but the murder is still unresolved.   And the police never give up on a case until it is marked solved.   So I’m sure they’d be most interested to renew their acquaintance with you, if I let on you weren’t really with me that night.

SANDY DAVIDSON
And with you, for committing perjury.

SHANA WINTERS
But perjury is only a petty offence, next to murder.   I might spend a year or two in the clink; which would be an inconvenience to say the least; but you could spend fifteen or twenty years in Port Phillip.   Which would certainly play havoc with your career; not to mention your love life.

SANDY DAVIDSON
But what can I tell poor Davinia?   I’ve as good as told her she had the part.

SHANA WINTERS
Tell her whatever you like.   You can tell her we’re having if off again, and the role is payment for services rendered, for all I care.   Just so long as you tell her that she’s out and I’m in.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Oh I don’t know….

SHANA WINTERS (Shouting.)
You had better know, and quickly, unless you want to spend the next twenty years behind bars!

SANDY DAVIDSON (Angry.)
You seem pretty sure of yourself, Shana.

SHANA WINTERS
I’ve got a winning hand, honey.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Have you?   What if I decide to call your bluff?

SHANA WINTERS
It’s no bluff.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Still, even if the police believe you, and they decide to reopen the case, they still have to prove my guilt.   In the eyes of the law, I’m innocent till proven guilty.

SHANA WINTERS
Maybe in the eyes of the law; but not in the eyes of the public.   Once the case is reopened, your high paying career in TV will be over, regardless of the eventual outcome of the police’s investigations.

There is a few moments silence, then Davidson stands up and glares at Winters menacingly.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Then what is to prevent me from cutting the Gordian Knot right here and now by wringing your fat neck?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh don’t be so bloody melodramatic, Sandy honey.   You don’t have balls enough to be a killer.   So don’t waste your breath trying to intimidate me.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Are you prepared to stake your miserable life on that?

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, I am.   If for no other reasons because my good friend, Elmira deWilde, knows I’m calling on you tonight.   So if anything were to happen to me, she’d be able to tell the cops who to look for…
(Half a beat.)
So even if they can’t pin Alf Smale’s death on you, they’d have no problems at all with mine.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Then what’s to prevent me from killing her too?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh stop playing bloody silly games, Sandy.   You just aren’t the Martin Bryant type to go round killing strings of people.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Well, maybe I’d be prepared to go to gaol, if it were for wringing your fat neck.

SHANA WINTERS
Oh sit down, and stop being so childish.   There’s no need for you to lose your career, or go to gaol.   All you have to do is give that bitch, Watkins, her marching orders.   Then my testimony in the ’60s will stand.   And we’ll both be winners.

Davidson slumps into his chair again.

SANDY DAVIDSON
But Davinia is right for the part; you aren’t.

SHANA WINTERS
If you say so, honey.   But let’s face it, I’ve got more on you than she has.

SANDY DAVIDSON (Calm.)
I have to tell you, that as an actress, you stink.   If I do give you the part, you’ll only end up with egg on your face.

SHANA WINTERS (Looking furious.)
When you give me the part.   Not if.   And don’t try provoking me; quite frankly I couldn’t care less what you think of my acting ability.   The only thing I care about, is getting the part of Wilma in Keeping Up.

There is silence for a few seconds, then Davidson stands and walks past Winters toward the door to the corridor.   He stops with a hand on the doorknob and looks back towards Winters.

SANDY DAVIDSON
If I agree to give you the part, what is to stop you from blackmailing me again in the future?

SHANA WINTERS
Nothing, honey.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Then, will you at least give me your word, that this will be the last time?

SHANA WINTERS (Shaking head.)
My, my, what a dream world you live in, Sandy.   Don’t be so bloody naive!   If this series bombs, I won’t hesitate to blackmail you again and again and again till doomsday if necessary, to get a break in anything besides bloody panel shows.

Davidson clenches and unclenches his fists, as though thinking of striking Winters.

SANDY DAVIDSON
All right, bitch, you win.   But don’t push me too far!

He opens the door and storms out.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE INTERVIEW ROOM — EVENING
Davidson storms out and strides across to the reception desk.

SUZIE (Hunting and pecking at the typewriter.)
I’m terribly sorry, Mr Davidson, but I couldn’t stop her.

SANDY DAVIDSON
That’s all right, Suzie…
(Half a beat.)
Could you get me Davinia Watkins on the phone, Suzie?

SUZIE
Okie doke.

Door to interview room opens and Winters walks out.

SANDY DAVIDSON
I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to Davinia?   I’ve already told her she had the role.

In b/g Suzie picks up a file-a-fax, looks up Davinia Watkins’s number, then starts phoning her.

SHANA WINTERS
Just tell her that on reflexion she just isn’t good enough…
(Half a beat.)
After re-evaluating her acting, you found it to be awkward and uncoordinated.

SANDY DAVIDSON
Funny, that’s what I had intended to tell you.

Winters glares at Davidson but says nothing.

SUZIE (Into receiver.)
Hello, Mrs Watkins?   This is Mr Davidson’s secretary.

Holding receiver out toward Davidson.

SUZIE (Continuing.)
I’ve got Mrs Watkins on the line.

As Davidson takes the receiver as Winters walks past him toward the elevator bay.

Winters stops a few metres past him and looks back.

SHANA WINTERS
If you like, Sandy honey, I’ll wait for you downstairs.   Then we can go somewhere and polish off a little wine so you can help me celebrate the start of my new career as a soapy star?

SANDY DAVIDSON
Go to Hello bitch!
(Into receiver.)
No, no, not you Davinia.

SHANA WINTERS (Between laughter.)
Oh Sandy, you’re so funny when you’re trying to be menacing.

She turns and strides over to the elevator bay and stabs the down-arrow.

INT. BEDROOM — EVENING
Tina is sitting on the edge of a double bed, leafing back and forth through a magazine.

DOOR SLAMMING O/S.

Tina drops the magazine, gets up and walks across to the bedroom door.

INT. LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Coleman is still standing by the front door LHS of SHOT.

The bedroom door opens, RHS of SHOT, and Tina walks back out and stands a few centimetres only away from Coleman.

TINA LAZARUS
What did she want?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Who can tell with that crazy bitch?

TINA LAZARUS
You mean she didn’t tell you?

ROBERT COLEMAN
No, I think she was too stunned at seeing you here.

TINA LAZARUS
You don’t think she’ll make trouble for us?

ROBERT COLEMAN (Puzzled.)
What, with your father?

TINA LAZARUS
Yes.

ROBERT COLEMAN
No, she’s too gutless to do anything as definite as that.

TINA LAZARUS
But what if she tells that bitch, Winters?

ROBERT COLEMAN (Considering a moment.)
Now that’s a thought.   Those two dykes are as thick as thieves.

TINA LAZARUS
Not to mention planks.   And Winters wouldn’t hesitate to tell dad.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Yes, that slut has had it in for me for years, and it’s been worse since I was given the lead in The Beauties.   Forcing her to take a secondary role to me.

TINA LAZARUS
What the Hell could she expect?   You could hardly have a woman take the role of the beast on a show like that.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I don’t know, Shana Winters comes a lot closer to being a beast, than to being a beauty!

TINA LAZARUS
Yes, that’s true enough.   And those old hags Watkins and deWilde aren’t too far behind her on that score, either.
(They both laugh for a moment.)
What do you think we should do?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, there’s no need to go to panic stations yet, since we can’t be sure deWilde will even mention it to Winters….

TINA LAZARUS
But I think perhaps we’d better play safe for the time being, and see less of each other for a while.

ROBERT COLEMAN
If you think it’s really necessary, baby.

He reaches out, and putting both arms around her, holds Tina up close against himself.

ROBERT COLEMAN
But it’s really only our business anyway; not your father’s.   After all, we’re both of age.   It’s not as though you were only fifteen or anything.

TINA LAZARUS
Yes, I know.   But dad is so old-fashioned.   He still believes in white weddings.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Shocked.)
How old fashioned can you be?   He really lives in a world of his own, doesn’t he?

TINA LAZARUS (Between laughter.)
Yes, I’m afraid he does.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Reluctant.)
Well.   If you really think it’s necessary?

TINA LAZARUS
I’m afraid it is.   At least for a few days to be on the safe side.
(She rubs herself provocatively against him.)
But there’s no need for me to leave just yet.

Coleman reaches down and grabs Tina’s backside with both hands and squeezes it.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Right, where do you want it this time?   On the sofa?   On the floor?   Or in the bed?

TINA LAZARUS
Let’s do it in bed this time…
(Half a beat.)
It’ll make a pleasant change.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Good point.

Lifting her up, Coleman carries Tina toward the bedroom door, RHS of SHOT.

EXT. OUTSIDE SHANA WINTERS’S APARTMENT — EVENING
Car drives up and pulls into the driveway and parks. 

The door opens and Winters gets out.   She looks up to where a light can be seen through her living room window.

SHANA WINTERS
Good, Elmira must be waiting for me.

She walks almost jauntily up the metal stairway, walks
along the landing, takes her key from her handbag, and unlocks the door.

INT. LIVING ROOM — EARLY EVENING
deWilde is seated at the sofa.   The front door opens
and Winters walks in.

SHANA WINTERS
Hello, honey.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Hello.
(Pointing to the coffee table.)
I brought your mail in.

SHANA WINTERS
Thanks.   Just let me get my shoes changed, and I’ll be right with you.

She kicks off her shoes, then bends down and picks them up and carries them over to a door LHS of SHOT.

Winters opens the door and vanishes inside.

SHOES BEING DROPPED BY BED.

A few seconds later Winters reappears carrying a pair of slippers.   She drops the slippers, steps into them, then walks across to the door to the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM — EVENING, SHOT
THROUGH KITCHEN DOOR from living room.

Winters moves about making a cup of tea.

ELMIRA deWILDE
How did things go with Sandy Davidson?

SHANA WINTERS
The whole thing went beautifully.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Then you have the part?

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, and while you’re here, honey, you must help me to celebrate.   I’m afraid poor Sandy was too busy.
(Standing.)
I’ve got some wine in the fridge.

Winters pulls open the fridge door and bends over and peers inside.

After a moment she lifts out a bottle of white wine.   She walks over and opens an overhead cupboard and takes out two wine glasses.

Winters places the glasses on the coffee table, while she opens the bottle with some difficulty.

Then she fills the glasses and places the bottle on table.   She hands one glass to deWilde who sips it, then takes the second glass herself, and the two women go over and sit on the sofa, Winters sitting on the RHS.

Winters sips her wine then places her glass on the table.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I went to see Coleman before.

SHANA WINTERS
That prick?   What did you want to see him for?   Isn’t it bad enough having to see him every working day on The Beauties?

ELMIRA deWILDE
I wanted to ask his advice about this scheme of yours to blackmail Davidson….

Winters jumps to her feet.

SHANA WINTERS
You told that prick, Coleman what I am doing?

ELMIRA deWILDE
No, no, I never had a chance to.

Winters sits down again, clutching her chest for a second.

SHANA WINTERS
Thank Christ for that…
(Half a beat.)
Don’t do that to me, honey, you almost gave me a heart attack.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I didn’t get to tell him, because he was with Tina Lazarus.

SHANA WINTERS
What do you mean, with her?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Just that.   I went around to see him and he answered the door, in a bathrobe.   Naturally I thought he must have been in the bath when I knocked.   Which. would explain why it took him so long to answer the door.

SHANA WINTERS
That’s fair enough assumption.   Even that boring bastard, Coleman, can’t spend all evening waiting, just in case someone knocks on his door.

ELMIRA deWILDE
But when I went inside there was Tina, perched on Coleman’s sofa, also in a bathrobe.

SHANA WINTERS
Both in bathrobes, eh?   Well, well, well, one of us has a dirty mind, and I think it could be me.   Bathrobes, that’s almost as good as in the raw together!

ELMIRA deWILDE
That’s what I thought, so I decided not to say anything to Coleman about your plan, until I’d had a chance to talk to you.

SHANA WINTERS
Smart thinking, honey.   Well, this is the best news I’ve heard in weeks….

Winters finishes her glass of wine, and rises to  refill her glass, then sits down again and takes a sip.

SHANA WINTERS
But wait a minute, if Ferret-Face was really having it off with Tony’s daughter, he’d never have been stupid enough to invite you inside to see her there!

ELMIRA deWILDE
He didn’t exactly invite me inside.   He had the door ajar, and I sort of pushed my way past him.

Winters thinks about this for a second, then holds her glass toward deWilde.

SHANA WINTERS
Drink up, honey.   This is cause for real celebration…
(Half a beat.)
That just shows what an amateur Ferret-Face really is.   It’s tricky enough having intrigues with your director or producer, but only someone with a very strong death wish would have it off with his floor manager’s daughter.   I wonder what dear Tony will have to say when he hears what Headless has been up to?   Or should I say, whom he’s been up?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Then you’re going to tell him?

SHANA WINTERS
Of course.   You don’t think I’d pass up my big chance to see Coleman set back on his haunches?
(She takes a sip of wine.)
This really is my lucky day: first landing the part of Wilma, then getting the goods on Ferret-Face as well.   Perhaps I’d better rush out and buy a raffle ticket!

INT. LIVING ROOM — THE FOLLOWING EVENING
Tony is seated at the right hand end of the sofa Winters is seated on the armchair.   They are each holding a cup of tea, which they are sipping.   A saucer sits near each of them, on the coffee table.

TONY LAZARUS
I just can’t believe it!   Tina and Rob Coleman!

SHANA WINTERS
I know how you feel, Tony; neither could I, when I first heard of it.   But there’s no reason why Elmira. would lie to me.

TONY LAZARUS
No, I’m not accusing her of that.   She’s certain they only had on bathrobes?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh yes, she was quite definite.

TONY LAZARUS
I…
(Half a beat.)
I just can’t understand it.   Tina has always been such a good girl.

SHANA WINTERS
I’m sure she has.   But let’s face it, Tony, Coleman could corrupt anyone.   I thought, when she first came to work on the show, that a pretty thing like Tina was at risk, working around a lecherous creep like that.

TONY LAZARUS
She won’t be working around him much longer, if I have any say in the matter.

They sip their tea in silence, then Tony puts his empty cup on the saucer on the table.

SHANA WINTERS
I’m sorry to have had to be the one to break the bad news to you, Tony.   But I thought it was my duty to tell you.

TONY LAZARUS
Yes, yes that’s all right.   I know you’re only doing what you felt you had to.

SHANA WINTERS
I’m so relieved you feel that way, Tony.   I don’t mind telling you I was a bit worried you might tell me to mind my own business.

TONY LAZARUS
No, I appreciate you telling me, rather than letting me hear it from the rumourmongers around the studio.

SHANA WINTERS
Oh there’s no fear of that happening.   Elmira and I are the only ones who know about it, other than Coleman, Tina and yourself, and neither of us would gossip about poor Tina like that.

TONY LAZARUS
No, no, I never thought you or Elmira would gossip about Tina.   But, if they’re being so blatant about it, it’s only a matter of time before someone else walks in on them.

SHANA WINTERS (Feigning shock.)
Oh my, yes, I never thought of that.   It would be disastrous for poor Tina, not to mention yourself, if that were to happen.

TONY LAZARUS (Standing.)
Well, thanks again for telling me what is going on.
(Sighing.)
I really must be going now.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, yes I understand exactly how you feel.

Tony walks across to the door, LHS of SHOT, opens the door and leaves.

FOOTSTEPS on walkway outside.

Winters stands, picks up Tony’s cup and saucer and carries it and her own into the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN ADJOINING LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Winters starts rinsing out the cups in the sink.

HAMMERING ON THE LIVING ROOM DOOR.

Winters turns round and looks puzzled.

REVERSE ANGLE — LIVING ROOM DOOR, SHOWN THROUGH
KITCHEN DOORWAY — SHANA WINTERS’S P.O.V.

HAMMERING ON THE LIVING ROOM DOOR continues.

PAN BACK to include Winters as she starts toward the door.

SHANA WINTERS
Ah, that’s probably Elmira, here to see how it went.

INT. LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Winters enters from the kitchen and walks across to open the door.

PAN BACK to include Davinia Watkins, SHOT through living room doorway.

SHANA WINTERS (Surprised.)
You?   What the Hell do you want?

DAVINIA WATKINS
Your tits nailed to the wall!

SHANA WINTERS (Indignant.)
I beg your pardon?

DAVINIA WATKINS
You heard me, you bitch!

She pushes past Winters and walks into the living room.

SHANA WINTERS (Angry.)
Hey, who invited you inside?

Winters turns and storms after Watkins, who stops in the middle of the room.

DAVINIA WATKINS (Turning back toward Winters.)
All right bitch, what did you do to sour my pitch?

SHANA WINTERS
I’m afraid I don’t know what the Hell you’re talking about.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Don’t play the sweet and innocent with me.   How did you prevent me from getting the role of Wilma in Keeping Up?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh that, honey.   Well, naturally I was disappointed to hear you had missed out; but equally pleased I got the part.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Don’t hand me any of that shit!   I was as good as told nine days ago that I had the part.

SHANA WINTERS (Innocently.)
So was I, honey.   I suppose they told that to all the hot contenders.   But in the end, I was simply more suited for the role than you were.

DAVINIA WATKINS
You won’t be more suited for it once I tear your tits off!

SHANA WINTERS
Oh I don’t think that should matter much.   The role is the middle-aged mother; not the sexy young daughter.

DAVINIA WATKINS
A role I was much more suited for than you could ever be!

SHANA WINTERS
If you mean you’re a natural to play the part of the dried up old mother type, I can hardly argue with that.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Don’t push your luck, bitch!   What I meant is that I had the role, until you put pressure somehow on that weak bastard, Davidson.

SHANA WINTERS
Oh come on!   What do you think I am?

DAVINIA WATKINS
Don’t tempt me to answer that.   I don’t know for the life of me what you did to get the part.   You certainly couldn’t have offered him your body.   No man in his right mind would want to roll you…
(Half a beat.)
Unless it was off the edge of a cliff!

SHANA WINTERS
Whereas, no man would ever want to mount you…
(Half a beat.)
Unless it was on the living room wall!

DAVINIA WATKINS (Shouting.)
You smug bitch, I’ll soon wipe that self-assured look off your stupid face!

Watkins slaps Winters hard across the face.

Winters retaliates and the two women start fighting.

After a few seconds Winters trips Watkins, and leaps on her, so they wrestle about on the floor for a fair while, before Watkins starts to get the upper hand.

TAP on door, which is ajar, then Elmira deWilde enters.

Watkins gets Winters on her back with her left arm tucked under her back.

Sitting astride Winters’ hips, Watkins holds Winters right hand with her own left hand, and is about to belt Winters in the face with her right hand.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

deWilde runs over and kicks Watkins in the right side, causing her to sprawl off Winters.

Winters springs to her feet and starts massaging her left arm, which is sore from being tucked under her body.

Watkins scrambles to her feet and starts backing toward the kitchen, LHS of SHOT, as deWilde and Winters start advancing towards her.

SHANA WINTERS
All right, honey, now we’ll see who loses her smug look?   Not to mention half of her face.

Watkins looks about herself like a caged animal, as the two women keep advancing toward her: Winters from her left nearest the sofa and deWilde from her right, near the living room door.

SHANA WINTERS
You won’t have to worry about working at all for a very long time once we finish with you, honey.   You’ll be able to live off the invalid pension for many a long year.   If you live at all that is!

Watkins looks behind herself, but seeing no escape path that way, realises she has to go forward to leave, or else stay and fight.

Watkins looks at Winters for a second, then at deWilde, then back at Winters, before charging straight at deWilde.

deWilde, caught by surprise, side steps.   As WATKINS goes past, she reaches out her right hand end pushes deWilde over onto her backside.

deWilde grunts with shock as she goes down.

EXT. LANDING OUTSIDE SHANA WINTERS’S FLAT — EVENING
Watkins races out through the doorway, and runs down the landing LHS of SHOT, toward the metal stairs.

INT. LIVING ROOM — EVENING — AS BEFORE
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE RECEDING as deWilde climbs back to her feet again and starts to move after Watkins.

SHANA WINTERS (Between laughter.)
Don’t bother, honey, let her go.   I think that bitch has learnt her lesson.

ELMIRA deWILDE
If she hasn’t, she must be even dumber than most people give her credit for.

SHANA WINTERS (Between laughter.)
I don’t think anyone could be that dumb.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Perhaps you’re right.

SHANA WINTERS
Anyway, thanks for saving my bacon, honey.   For a moment there I thought I was going to receive some free dental work.

ELMIRA deWILDE
That’s all right.

SHANA WINTERS
Come into the kitchen, and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.   Unless you’d prefer something a little stronger?

ELMIRA deWILDE
No, tea will be fine.

They walk toward the open kitchen door.

INT. ROBERT COLEMAN’S LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Coleman is seated on the sofa, drinking a glass of beer.   A half empty bottle of beer stands on the coffee table.

HAMMERING ON THE LIVING ROOM DOOR.

Coleman stands, places the glass next to the bottle on the table, and walks across to the door, LHS of SHOT.

He opens the door and sees Tony Lazarus.

TONY LAZARUS
May I come in?

Coleman stands aside and waves a hand for Tony to enter.

Coleman and Tony walk into the living room.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Holding out his right hand.)
Well, well, Tony, this is a pleasant surprise.

Tony ignores the hand, which Coleman withdraws in embarrassment.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Waving toward coffee table.)
Can I offer you a beer, or a glass of wine?

TONY LAZARUS
This isn’t a social visit.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Then what can I do for you?

TONY LAZARUS
I’ve come to knock your fuckin’ block off!

ROBERT COLEMAN
What the Hell is this about?

TONY LAZARUS
You know damn well what it’s about: you and Tina.

ROBERT COLEMAN
What about us?

TONY LAZARUS
Ah ha!   Then you admit it?

ROBERT COLEMAN
I don’t admit or deny anything.   Now stop talking in Morse Code, and tell me what the Hell you want?

TONY LAZARUS
I want you to stop bloody well messing around with my daughter!

ROBERT COLEMAN
So you think I’m having an affair with Tina?

TONY LAZARUS
No, I don’t think it, I know it!   Shana Winters told me all about it.

ROBERT COLEMAN
In that case it’s beyond dispute, since Shana never lies.   She’s like politicians and the media in that regard!

TONY LAZARUS
Don’t try bluffing your way out of it!

ROBERT COLEMAN
I’m not trying to bluff my way out of anything.   But hasn’t it even occurred to you that bitch is hardly a reliable source?   She hates my guts, so it wouldn’t be beyond her to make the whole thing up just to cause trouble for me.

Tony ponders this for a few seconds, as Coleman walks over to the coffee table, refills his glass of beer and takes a sip.

TONY LAZARUS
No!   No, Shana would never use Tina’s name like that, not just to discredit you.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Wouldn’t she?   Since when has she been Saint Shana?   That bitch has done everything she possibly could to discredit me, and hurt the ratings of The Beauties, ever since she joined the program.

TONY LAZARUS (Considering a moment.)
Yes, I suppose that’s true.   But that’s always directed against you.   She’s never done anything against Tina or me.

ROBERT COLEMAN
There’s always a first time.

TONY LAZARUS (Uncertainly.)
No.   No, I just can’t believe that.   She sounded so sincere.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Sincere?   Are we still talking about the same person?   Shana Winters doesn’t have a sincere bone in her entire body!

TONY LAZARUS
Well, that makes two of you!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Look, all right then, assuming for a moment you’re right; that I am having an affair with Tina; don’t you think that’s our business?

TONY LAZARUS
Tina is my daughter!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Right!   Your daughter; not your wife.   So it’s none of your business who she beds down with!

Tony clenches his fists at this.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Tina is over eighteen; not a child.

TONY LAZARUS
She only turned eighteen two months ago.

ROBERT COLEMAN
It doesn’t matter if she turned eighteen two minutes ago.   Over eighteen is over eighteen, however hard you try to ignore it.

Coleman takes a long drink of his beer, then places the glass on the coffee table.

TONY LAZARUS
Well, let’s see you try to ignore this!

He takes a swing at Coleman who ducks out of the way.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Shouting.)
You stupid prick!

Tony lurches at Coleman, who side steps, and hits Tony in the face, knocking him to the ground.

Tony rises groggily to his feet again, and charges Coleman.

As Tony swings at Coleman, Coleman ducks under Tony’s fist, and then punches Tony hard in the stomach, winding him.

Before Tony can recover, Coleman grabs him under the arms, and half drags; half carries him toward the door LHS of SHOT.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now piss off!

Coleman flings Tony out through the door, and SLAMS the door shut.

EXT. PATIO OUTSIDE THE DOOR — EVENING
Tony flies out the door and almost falls over, however, he just manages to steady himself.

TONY LAZARUS (With feeling.)
Bastard!

INT. ROBERT COLEMAN’S LIVING ROOM — EVENING —
ROBERT COLEMAN standing by the living room door still.

ROBERT COLEMAN (With feeling.)
Christ I’ll fix that bitch!

He stands glaring toward the door for a moment.

Then he pulls the door open and strides out.

EXT. PATIO OUTSIDE THE DOOR — EVENING
Coleman steps outside and SLAMS the door again.

He looks down the LHS of SHOT and sees Tony Lazarus still walking down the driveway toward the street.

Coleman waits, watching Tony until Tony reaches the street, opens the door to his car, climbs into the car and starts it.

ROBERT COLEMAN (With feeling.)
I’ll get that bitch once and for all!

Coleman turns to the RHS of SHOT and starts toward the garage.

INT. TWO-CAR GARAGE — DARKNESS
The car doors open and Coleman walks in.

He walks across to his car, cursing as he drops his keys.

Bending, he picks up his keys again, unlocks the car door and slips in behind the wheel.

INT. INSIDE ROBERT COLEMAN’S CAR — OVERHEAD LIGHT ON
Coleman turns the key of the car and the motor SPLUTTERS.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Under his breath.)
Bitch, she’s dead!

Finally the motor turns over and Coleman reaches across and slams the car door, shutting off the overhead light.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE HOUSE — EVENING
Coleman’s car drives out of the garage and backs into
the street.

INT. INSIDE CAR — EVENING
as car drives out into the street.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Hissing words out.)
Bitch!

INT. SHANA WINTERS’S LIVING ROOM — EVENING —
Winters and deWilde walk out of the kitchen, carrying teacups
and saucers.   Winters sits on the RHS of the sofa; deWilde in the armchair beside the coffee table.

ELMIRA deWILDE
So when do you start shooting?

SHANA WINTERS
At whom?   Coleman?   Or that bitch Watkins?

ELMIRA deWILDE
I meant your new soapy?

SHANA WINTERS
Keeping Up.   Or “Just try to keep it down” as it should be called.   Over the weekend.

ELMIRA deWILDE
So soon?

SHANA WINTERS
Yes.   Like most soap operas they’re only just starting out, and are already behind schedule…
(Half a beat.)
I guess you could say they’re not keeping up, with Keeping Up.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Then you’ll only be doing the one episode to begin with?

SHANA WINTERS
No, they intend to try to shoot three episodes over Saturday and Sunday.

ELMIRA deWILDE
That means you’ll have to learn two more episodes in only two days?

SHANA WINTERS
No, no, there’s no way I could do that.   We’ll just have to film it the best we can, and overdub to blazes afterwards.

ELMIRA deWILDE (Shocked.)
My God!   That’s not going to be very convincing is it?

SHANA WINTERS
Convincing?   What does that word mean?   Don’t forget we’re only talking about a soap opera.   We’re not talking about acting, or drama, or entertainment, or anything like that.   We’re talking about a soapy.   After all, they get their name from the fact they’re all so wishy washy, as in soap.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I thought it was because the early soap operas were all sponsored by soap manufacturers?

SHANA WINTERS
No, no, that’s only a fascist lie; they get their name from being wishy-washy.   And let’s face it, the morons who suffer through soap operas don’t expect to be entertained.   If they did, they sure as Hell wouldn’t be watching bloody soapies!

ELMIRA deWILDE
Yes, that’s true, I suppose.

They sit in silence for a moment, drinking their tea.

SHANA WINTERS
Finished?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Yes, thanks.

She hands over her cup and saucer to Winters, who walks through into the kitchen.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SHANA WINTERS’S FLAT — EVENING
Coleman’s car pulls up.

The door opens and Coleman climbs out, SLAMS THE CAR DOOR and strides purposefully up the car park toward the metal stairway.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Angry.)
Bitch!

He trots up the stairs to the next landing, then stoops to check the nameplate before raising a hand to HAMMER on Winters’s door.

INT. SHANA WINTERS’S LIVING ROOM — EVENING

POUNDING ON DOOR LHS of SHOT.

SHANA WINTERS
Will you answer that, honey?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Sure.

deWilde stands, and walks over to the door.

She opens the door and looks shocked to see Coleman standing there.

ELMIRA deWILDE
What do you…?

Coleman pushes past deWilde and runs into the living room, closely followed by deWilde.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Hey!   You can’t push your way in like that, uninvited!

ROBERT COLEMAN
I already have.

He scans the room quickly, then turns to deWilde.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Right, where is she?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Where is who?

ROBERT COLEMAN
You know who I mean: that hatchet-faced, hatchet-woman…
(Half a beat.)
That back stabbing bitch, Winters!

Coleman walks to the RHS of SHOT, and turns toward the LHS as Winters walks out from the kitchen LHS of SHOT.

SHANA WINTERS
Who was it, honey?
(She stops in mid step, seeing Coleman.)
My God how did you get in?   What is this?   Robbery or rape?

ROBERT COLEMAN
It must be robbery.   Because there’s nothing around here fit to rape!

SHANA WINTERS (Angry.)
What the Hell do you want?   You bastard!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Your knockers nailed to the door!

SHANA WINTERS
Christ I must have a great set of tits, everyone’s after them today.

ROBERT COLEMAN
The only thing you’ll have set, is both legs in plaster, when I get through with you!

SHANA WINTERS
I think he’s upset because I spoilt his great romance.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I’m upset at you sticking your big fat snout into something that is none of your fuckin’ business!

SHANA WINTERS
Of course it’s my business!   When I heard that a sweet young thing like Tina Lazarus was being polluted by the likes of you.   Naturally I felt it was my moral duty to take a hand. in matters.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Oh here we go, Saint Shana’s back in town; the defender of truth and protector of young girls’ virtue…
(Half a beat.)
Don’t try to play the part of the avenging angel; it doesn’t suit you!

SHANA WINTERS
Any more than the part of the wronged lover suits you; you dirty old man!   We both know there’s nothing healthy about the way you’ve been using that girl to sate your filthy desires!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Oh pardon me, Queen Victoria, I didn’t know that you’d passed a law against sex!

SHANA WINTERS
No, only against dirty old men like you soiling girls young enough to be your granddaughter.

Coleman clenches his fists, and starts across the room toward Winters.

ROBERT COLEMAN
We’ll see how smug you are, with a cavity the size of a fist in your teeth!

SHANA WINTERS
Go ahead, Ferret-Face.
(Pointing at deWilde.)
I’ve got a reliable witness on hand.   It’d be worth having to get a set of false fangs to see you put away in the slammer; your career, such as it is, in tatters.

Coleman stops, and glares at Winters for a second, his right fist still tightly balled.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I’ll fix your wagon yet, you smug bitch!

He strides past her toward the front door.

SHANA WINTERS
One of these days?

Coleman stops, turns back to glare at Winters again for a second, then walks out through the front door.

ELMIRA deWILDE (Exhaling loudly.)
Boy, I thought he was really going to let you have it then.

SHANA WINTERS
Don’t let Coleman’s threats worry you.   He’s all bluff, honey.   I was more worried when that dyke Watkins was trying to mount me.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE:

ACT FOUR:

FADE IN:

INT. TV STUDIO — LIGHTED — FOUR DAYS LATER
Winters is standing, leaning against the front of the
beauty’s bench.    A few seconds later, deWilde walks onto stage from the left.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Looks as though we’re the first here.

SHANA WINTERS
As usual.   That slack bastard Coleman is the last to arrive, and that bitch Watkins isn’t much better.

ELMIRA deWILDE (Walking across to Winters.)
You can hardly blame them for being reluctant to appear for this bloody show.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, that’s true enough.

Tina walks onto stage from the left, carrying a pile of opened mail, which she places on Coleman’s desk.

SHANA WINTERS
Bright and early with Ferret-Face’s junk mail today, I see, Tina honey.

TINA LAZARUS
Don’t call him Ferret-Face!   I’m surprised you even have the nerve to show your face around me; let alone open your big fat mouth!

SHANA WINTERS
I can’t imagine what you mean, honey.   Why should I be ashamed to face you?

TINA LAZARUS
You know why!

SHANA WINTERS
Look I’m sorry if you’re mad at me.   But I only did what was in your best interests.

TINA LAZARUS
How would you know what’s in my best interests?

SHANA WINTERS
Because I’ve been in this industry long enough to have met my fair share of dirty old men like Rob Coleman.

TINA LAZARUS
Don’t call him that!

SHANA WINTERS
If the shoe fits.

Tina strides over to Winters and glares at her, as though going to strike her, but then thinks better of it, and turning, storms out of SHOT to the LHS.

SHANA WINTERS
Poor little fool; she’ll thank me one of these days.

ELMIRA deWILDE
There’s a lot of junk mail today, by the look of it.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, I’m amazed anyone could stoop low enough to watch this bloody show, let alone send in mail.

ELMIRA deWILDE
But then the TV-addicts in this country are a pretty dense mob.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, that’s true, honey…
(Half a beat.)
And you’d have to be pret-ty dense to watch The Beauties.

Winters walks over to Coleman’s desk, and starts sorting through the mail.   She picks up a letter and reads it to herself for a few seconds, then laughs, shakes her head and puts down the letter.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, they’re a dense mob all right.

deWilde walks over to Winters.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Hey, Coleman won’t like you going through the junk mail, Shana.

SHANA WINTERS
I don’t care what Ferret-Face likes, honey.   He can go and fry his balls for all I care.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Don’t be silly, Shana, Coleman hasn’t got any balls.

SHANA WINTERS
Ain’t it the truth though.
(They both laugh.)

Coleman walks onto stage from the right and spots Winters sorting through the mail.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Shouting.)
Hey!   What the bloody Hell do you think you’re doing?

deWilde eases away from Winters, and starts walking slowly toward the LHS of SHOT.

SHANA WINTERS
Sorting through the junk mail, Ferret-Face.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, put it down!

SHANA WINTERS
Go jump in a lake!

Coleman runs across to Winters, as Tina walks on stage from the left, where deWilde is standing just on stage.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I said put it down!

SHANA WINTERS
Whatever you say, Ferret-Features.

She raises her left hand, holding the mail, over her head, and opens her hand, allowing the mail to drop to the floor, scattering everywhere.

TINA LAZARUS (Shocked.)
Jesus Christ!

Winters walks across to take deWilde by the arm.

SHANA WINTERS
Come on honey, let’s go and get a cup of coffee.   We’ll need it if we’re going to stay awake during the show.

deWilde is too stunned to say anything, and allows herself to be led O/S, LHS of SHOT.

TINA LAZARUS (Shaking head.)
Jesus Christ!

ROBERT COLEMAN
That rotten bitch!   I’ll break her neck!

He starts to follow Winters, but Tina runs across and clutches Coleman by the right arm.

TINA LAZARUS
Come on, Rob honey, we’ve got to get this lot.
(Indicating the mail.)
Picked up before airtime.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Yeah, all right.
(Shouting to Winters and deWilde.)
Yes, go off and lap each other out, you two loony lezzos!

Winters and deWilde stop at the edge of the stage and glare back at him.

SHANA WINTERS
Jesus, that’s a sophisticated comment…
(Half a beat.)
By your standards.

They turn and walk O/S as Coleman and Tina kneel and start picking up the mail.

ROBERT COLEMAN
God, it’s about time someone straightened that bitch out.

TINA LAZARUS
Don’t let her get to you, Rob.   She isn’t worth it.

ROBERT COLEMAN
You can say that again.

They pick up the mail in silence for a few moments.

TINA LAZARUS
I’ve heard that bitch Winters is starting up in a new soap opera.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Yeah?   I hope the show does well.

TINA LAZARUS (Startled.)
What?   I thought you’d be the last one to wish her well!

ROBERT COLEMAN
It isn’t a matter of wishing her well; just that anything will do to see the last of her on my show.   I’d be happy to see the slut get a break in the movies, if it meant getting her out of my hair.

TINA LAZARUS
Christ, you must really hate her guts?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Listen, to know her is to loathe her.   If you’ll pardon the pun.

TINA LAZARUS
Yes, I know what you mean, after the way that bitch stuck her fat nose into our business.

They pick up the remainder of the mail, placing it on Coleman’s desk.

TINA LAZARUS
And talking about us, I need you badly…
(Half a beat.)
Tonight!

She stands up hard against Coleman, and he reaches around to grab her backside to hold her against himself.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I know what you mean.   We can’t keep living in your father’s fantasyland forever.

TINA LAZARUS
Can we go to your place tonight after the show?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Sure.   If you’re certain you want to?

TINA LAZARUS (Almost shouting.)
Oh I am, I am!

They hug tightly for a moment longer, then separate.

Coleman takes a folded sheet of paper out of his shirt-pocket and adds the sheet to the mail.

TINA LAZARUS
What’s that?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Do you remember a letter we had on the show about a fortnight ago, from a dyke complaining that whenever she went out, her dates took it for granted they’d get to screw her at the end of the night?

TINA LAZARUS
I’m not sure.   We have so many letters on this stupid show.

ROBERT COLEMAN
She ended up asking, “Whatever happened to old fashioned courting?”   And I said, “It was killed off by Lesbians Incorporated, sometimes known as the Women’s Liberation Movement.”

TINA LAZARUS
Oh yes, that’s right I remember now, it really set old tight arse right off.

Coleman hands the sheet to Tina, who takes it, uncertainly.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I’ve taken the liberty of preparing an answer to it.   A letter taking the man’s point of view.

Tina looks down at the sheet and starts reading it to herself.   After a few moments she begins to chuckle.

TINA LAZARUS
Yes, this certainly ought to help to send the old bitch off the deep end.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I wish someone would…
(Half a beat.)
Say off the deep end of the nearest pier.

He places the letter on top of one of the mail stacks.

TINA LAZARUS
Don’t read it out straight up.   Hold it over until the end of the show so you can work on her a bit first; and let her make a complete fool of herself on her final show.   Not that she doesn’t normally anyway.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Good idea.

Coleman returns to sorting through the now doctored mail for a few moments, then stands and walks O/S with Tina, LHS of SHOT.

A few seconds later, Tina walks onto stage from the left   again, carrying three or four more letters, which she adds to the stacks of mail.

Tony walks onto stage from the right.   Seeing Tina, he walks over to her, as she turns to face him, having heard his approaching footsteps.

TINA LAZARUS (Hesitantly.)
Hello, Dad.

TONY LAZARUS
Hello Tina.   I tried to get in touch with you last night, after work.   But your phone was engaged.   All night.

TINA LAZARUS
Yes, Dad, I know.   I left the phone off the hook deliberately.

TONY LAZARUS
But why?

TINA LAZARUS
So I wouldn’t keep being plagued by nuisance phone calls.

TONY LAZARUS (Startled.)
Who have you been receiving nuisance calls from?

TINA LAZARUS
You, Dad!   From you!

TONY LAZARUS (Startled.)
But I…
(Half a beat.)
I’ve only been calling, because I have to talk to you, and you’ve been avoiding me like the pox, around the studio.

TINA LAZARUS
Because I don’t want, or need you interfering in my relationships.

TONY LAZARUS
I’ve been trying to make you see some sense.

TINA LAZARUS (Raising her voice.)
No, you’ve been trying to make me live your life!   Instead of allowing me to live my own!

TONY LAZARUS
I’m only trying to stop you from ruining your life with that dirty old man, Coleman.

TINA LAZARUS
He is not a dirty old man!

TONY LAZARUS
Well, he is old.   Three times your age; almost old enough to be your grandfather.

TINA LAZARUS (Angry.)
I don’t care how old he is!   It’s none of your fuckin’ business.

TONY LAZARUS
But I…
(Half a beat.)
I’m only concerned for your welfare, Tina.   Believe me, Robert Coleman is no good for you.

TINA LAZARUS
That’s none of your business.

Letting go of Tina’s shoulders Tony half turns away toward the back of the stage in frustration.

TONY LAZARUS
Why can’t the young people of today ever listen to their parents?

TINA LAZARUS
Perhaps if our parents stuck to giving us advice, and not orders, we might listen to them occasionally…
(Half a beat.)
Look, Dad.   Maybe you’re right; maybe Rob is all wrong for me.   But if so, that’s something I have to find out for myself.

Tony stays silent, and they are still brooding a few moments later, when Watkins and Coleman walk back onto stage together, from the LHS of SHOT.

Coleman walks over and sits down at his desk.

Tina walks O/S to the LHS of SHOT, and Watkins stands in front of the beauties bench.

TONY LAZARUS (Looking down at his watch.)
I don’t know where the other two have got to, but by my watch, we’re already late starting.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, knowing those two lezzos, they’re probably off sixty-nining somewhere.

Winters and deWilde walk back onto stage from the RHS of SHOT.

SHANA WINTERS
What’s that, Ferret-Face?   Did I hear you say you wanted to sixty-nine with a dog?

ROBERT COLEMAN
No thanks, Shana, you’re not my type…
(Half a beat.)
I prefer women!

ELMIRA deWILDE
Yeah?   That’s not what I heard!

Winters rushes across stage to Coleman, and attempts to scratch his eyes out, but he grabs her by the wrists, and pushes her backwards, causing her to fall over onto her backside with a grunt.

Tony and deWilde rush over and help Winters to her feet.

deWilde leads Winters across to the beauties bench.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Shaking head.)
The senile old bitch can’t even stand on her own two feet anymore!

SHANA WINTERS (Shouting.)
I’ll dance on your head in a minute!

Winters starts to move back towards Coleman, but is restrained by deWilde, who grabs her by the arms.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Just ignore the prick, Shana.   Everyone does.

TONY LAZARUS
Yes, for God’s sake, Shana, settle your difference after the show.   We’re already late starting as it is.

Winters says nothing, just glares at Coleman.

After a moment, they all take their seats.  

TONY LAZARUS returns to the left hand edge of the stage, and signals for the start of the show.

TONY LAZARUS
Right, we’re going on the air.   At last!

ROBERT COLEMAN (To the audience.)
Good afternoon ladies and gents.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Sounds as though he’s talking to the toilet.

SHANA WINTERS
It’s the only way he’d get an answer down to his level of comprehension.

ROBERT COLEMAN
We’re a little bit late starting today, so I’ll jump straight into the first letter.

SHANA WINTERS
I wish you’d jump straight into the nearest lake!

Coleman ignores Winters, and takes the top letter from one of three stacks of mail.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Although the questions asked on this show are often of a very light nature, we also like to occasionally help people who have more serious problems.

SHANA WINTERS/ELMIRA deWILDE
Oh God!   Here we go!

ROBERT COLEMAN (To the audience.)
Our first letter for today, comes from Leslie C…
(Half a beat.)
Who writes: “For some time now, I have been receiving what I can only take to be sexual advances, from my own father.”

SHANA WINTERS
I knew it!   I knew it!   I could tell he was going to start with one of his ratbag letters!

ROBERT COLEMAN
“It is difficult to say exactly when the problem first began.   You see, since my third birthday, I have bathed with my father.   However, in the last two years, since my tenth birthday, his actions in the tub have been almost bestial.”

SHANA WINTERS
My God, it’s disgusting her mother still allows Leslie to bath with her father at twelve!

ROBERT COLEMAN
“I feel that it is only a matter of time before my father forces me to submit to his penetration.   What can I possibly do to prevent this?   P.S. I love my father and do not want him to feel rejected.   However, I do not want to be forced to submit to him.”

SHANA WINTERS
I should say not too!

ROBERT COLEMAN
“P.P.S. Besides, the other boys at school say homosexuality could lead to illness like AIDS that could cause death.”

ELMIRA deWILDE (Puzzled.)
Homosexuality?   You mean…?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Oh yes, I forgot to mention, Leslie is a young boy.

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, Ferret-Face, I’ll just bet you forgot!

ROBERT COLEMAN
All right ghouls, I mean girls, what advice do you have for young Leslie?

ELMIRA deWILDE
I don’t know about Leslie, but I’ve got some good advice for you, Headless.   Only I don’t think you’d take it!

SHANA WINTERS
Don’t over-rate him, honey.   You’d be surprised at what that sick bastard would be prepared to do!

ROBERT COLEMAN (To Winters.)
If you don’t watch your fat mouth, you’ll soon find out what I’m prepared to do.

ELMIRA deWILDE
But I don’t think you’re allowed to say that kind of thing on air, anyway.

SHANA WINTERS (To deWilde.)
Nonsense, honey.   You can say whatever the fuck you like on live television, so long as the floor manager isn’t quick enough to bleep it out.

TONY LAZARUS
Shana, please!

SHANA WINTERS
Sorry Tony, it just slipped out.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, for God’s sake put it back in again, before I’m sick.

SHANA WINTERS (To Coleman.)
You mean you aren’t already.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Watch it or you’ll be sick in a big way!

SHANA WINTERS
Ooh how scary!

DAVINIA WATKINS
Look, if the funny hour is over, can we please get on with this letter?   I believe Leslie has raised a very serious question, he needs our help with.

SHANA WINTERS
You call that a serious problem?

DAVINIA WATKINS
Yes, of course it is.   Just because Coleman selected it to stir you up, and that you were dumb enough to swallow the bait, doesn’t alter the fact that Leslie has a serious problem, which he needs our help with!

SHANA WINTERS (To the audience.)
And speaking of people who need help…
(Pointing at Coleman.)
Here’s Robert Coleman.   What’s your advice for Leslie, Ferret-Features?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, the first thing Leslie has to do, is ignore what the other boys at school tell him.   And make up his own mind how much his father means to him; as opposed to how much he is going to submit to his socialised fears of homosexuality.

SHANA WINTERS
Are you saying he should allow his father to bugger him?

ROBERT COLEMAN
No, I’m saying he has to ignore his socialised fears.   Our society, like all societies, survives purely through socialisation, or brainwashing.   One of the many ideas we’re brainwashed into accepting, is that homosexuality is unnatural, and should be avoided at all costs.

ELMIRA deWILDE
And you say it isn’t?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Of course not.   What does the term unnatural really mean anyway?

SHANA WINTERS
You should knows if anyone does!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Keep your sarcasm in check for a moment, Shana.   The point I wanted to make, is that in our modern society, where we’re little more than robots doing everything in accordance with our programming, what right do we have to label anything natural or unnatural?   What could be more unnatural than the computer-controlled world in which we live?

SHANA WINTERS
Oh God!   Here he goes with one of his “let’s cast off the commuters, and return to nature “lectures!

ROBERT COLEMAN
I was only saying homosexuality is no more and no less natural than heterosexuality.

SHANA WINTERS
In other words Leslie should allow himself to be buggered in the bath by his old man?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Got it in one, Shana.

ROBERT COLEMAN
She’ll get it in the face in a moment, if she doesn’t watch out!…
(Half a beat.)
Look, I’m not saying Leslie should or shouldn’t submit to his father’s advances; only that Leslie should make up his own mind instead of being influenced by peer pressure.

DAVINIA WATKINS
In other words, he should take suggestions from others, but shouldn’t take their advice as hard and fast rules to live by?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Exactly.   I can’t tell him to definitely give in to his father, if for no other reason, than for the legal ones.   However, I feel that I can’t tell him it would definitely be wrong to have an affair with his father.

SHANA WINTERS
In other words, let his father bugger him?

ROBERT COLEMAN
God you’re useless, Shana!   Can’t you ever hold an intelligent conversation?

SHANA WINTERS
Not with you, Ferret-Face.   After all, you can’t draw blood from a stone!

ROBERT COLEMAN
That’s strange.   I thought a blood-sucking vampire like you, could draw blood out of anything!

SHANA WINTERS
It sounds as though Headless has started subscribing to the homos gazette.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Which one?   TV Guide?   Or TV Stars?

ELMIRA deWILDE (Puzzled.)
What?

DAVINIA WATKINS
Christ!   Don’t tell me you don’t know what it means?   I’ll give you a clue: what does TV mean?   Other than television?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Oh!   Now I get it.

ROBERT COLEMAN
No, you don’t you thick bitch!   You’re only pretending to get it.   You couldn’t get it if there was a pox going round!

ELMIRA deWILDE (Indignant.)
I am not pretending to get it!

ROBERT COLEMAN (To Watkins.)
Now I know where the expression idiot box comes from!

DAVINIA WATKINS (Nodding agreement.)
You said it.

TONY LAZARUS (Signalling a break.)
Right, time out for an ad break.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Thank Christ for that!

SHANA WINTERS
Losing control, Ferret-features?

ELMIRA deWILDE
He was probably getting turned on by the thought of buggering a twelve year old boy.

SHANA WINTERS
You could be right, honey.   I’ve heard he likes them young!

ROBERT COLEMAN (Shouting.)
Look I never…
(More calmly.)
Oh what’s the point?
(To Tony.)
Look, I’m going on with another letter after the break.

SHANA WINTERS
I wish someone would give you a break, Headless.   Say in the neck for instance.

TONY LAZARUS
Whatever you say.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Christ!   Coleman really is shot to pieces.

SHANA WINTERS
I wish he were shot to pieces, say by a firing squad, for instance.

Coleman starts leafing through the stacks of mail.

After a few seconds he lifts a letter up to read it.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Shaking head.)
Christ some of these letters are so sick even I almost can’t believe it.

SHANA WINTERS
They must be pret-ty sick Headless, if they’re too sick for you!

ROBERT COLEMAN
I’d almost suspect you of sending them in to the show, Shana, except the spelling isn’t bad enough.   It’s at least up to fourth grade standard.

SHANA WINTERS
Very droll, Ferret-Face.   I’ve read funnier jokes off dunny walls!

ROBERT COLEMAN
In fact she’s written funnier jokes on dunny walls!

SHANA WINTERS
Watch it or I’ll rip your balls off.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I keep telling you Shana, he hasn’t got any balls.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Someone is going to have to teach those two bitches a lesson.

He starts sorting through one of the stacks of mail occasionally lifting one up to his face for a closer look, and continually shifting letters from one stack to another.

After a moment he finds one to his liking.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Ready any time you are, Tony.

TONY LAZARUS (Signalling again.)
Right, we’re back on the air.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Our second letter for today, comes from Sheryl E., who writes: “I am thirteen years of age, and for the last eighteen months have been going steady with a boy two years older than me.   For the last six months or so, he has been pestering me to have sex with him.   But I think I am still a year or so too young for sex, and have told him that.   But he is very persistent.   What do you think?   Should I agree to sleep with him?”

SHANA WINTERS
Sure, as long as that’s all you do: sleep!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now, now Shana.   Let’s not have any of your priggish outbursts.

SHANA WINTERS
Priggish outbursts?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Look the girl is only thirteen.   Surely you aren’t saying she should have sex with her boyfriend?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Why not?   You’re never too young to start.

SHANA WINTERS
Never too young?   God you’re a creep, Coleman.   First you tell a twelve-year-old boy to allow himself to be sodomised by his own father…

ROBERT COLEMAN
I never said….

SHANA WINTERS
In the bath tub no less, then you advocate a thirteen-year-old girl having sex with a fifteen-year-old sex maniac!

ROBERT COLEMAN
I never said he should allow himself to be sodomised; only that he had to decide for himself how much his father’s feelings for him are reciprocated.

SHANA WINTERS
And what about the boy’s feelings?

DAVINIA WATKINS
And what about Sheryl E., whose letter we are supposed to be discussing?

Winters and deWilde both glare at Watkins.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Yes, good point, Davinia.   Yes, do try to keep up, Shana dear, I know it’s difficult when you’re old and senile….

ELMIRA deWILDE
And you should know.

ROBERT COLEMAN
But we are up to the next letter now.

SHANA WINTERS
All right, Ferret-Face, then what about Sheryl E?   What about her feelings?   Or is she just so much flesh to be pored over by a fifteen-year-old sex maniac?

ROBERT COLEMAN
How can you state for certain he’s a sex maniac?

SHANA WINTERS
What the Hell else can you call him, when he wants to screw a thirteen year old girl?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, can’t a fifteen-year-old boy have n sex drive?   The average boy reaches puberty somewhere between eleven and thirteen.   So by the time he’s fifteen, he’s had at least two, perhaps four, years since reaching puberty.   So what do you want him to do?   Masturbate for the rest of his life?

SHANA WINTERS
At least masturbation can’t do him any harm.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I wouldn’t know since I’m not so heavily into it.   But if you’re an expert, I’ll take your word for it.

SHANA WINTERS
Why you rotten bastard!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Keep your shirt on, Shana…
(Half a beat.)
For God’s sake!   We couldn’t stand the sight of you topless.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I’d like to see you topless Coleman.   Say after being guillotined, for instance!

ROBERT COLEMAN
And I doubt if the cameras are insured to cover it.

SHANA WINTERS
Christ!   Now the bastard’s having sick fantasies about me.

DAVINIA WATKINS
Sick is the operative word, if they’re about you!

ELMIRA deWILDE (To Watkins.)
Look, could we just stick to the point?

SHANA WINTERS
Right.   Which is that Sheryl is only thirteen!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Bullshit.   The point is that at fifteen all boys have strong sex-drives, which need encouraging, not discouraging.

SHANA WINTERS
You want him to screw a thirteen-year-old girl, just so he won’t be sexually frustrated?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Christ!   Will you get off that spiel?   You’re like a broken record repeating “thirteen year old girl, thirteen year old girl “over and over again.   Look the boyfriend is only fifteen.   So you could hardly expect him to go chasing after dried up old bats like you two!

SHANA WINTERS
Old bats?   Why you…!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Obviously at thirteen she’s just the right age for him, and vice versa.   The boy’s only two years older than she is, and they’re both at an age where they’re physically prepared for sex and becoming more and more sexually aware.   Sexual experimentation can only do them both a world of good.

SHANA WINTERS
Well, Mr Freud, you’re the one who knows all about what young girls are sexually capable of!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Do you have to be so fuckin’ sarcastic all the time?

SHANA WINTERS
I don’t see what you’re getting all burnt up about….

ELMIRA deWILDE
I wish he was all burnt up…
(Half a beat.)
Say in a blast furnace, for instance!

SHANA WINTERS
Unless of course you have a guilty conscience!

ROBERT COLEMAN
I never said I knew all about what young girls are capable of; only that sex can’t do them any harm.   Sheryl might be only thirteen, as you two broken records keep pointing out ad nauseam, but at that age she is physically able to handle sexual penetration.   And it’s better for her to lose her cherry at thirteen, than to hold onto it like a sacred cow till she’s a thirty year old virgin.

SHANA WINTERS
So what’s wrong with being a thirty year old virgin?

ROBERT COLEMAN (Between laughter.)
What?   Don’t tell me you were?…
(Half a beat.)
Well, I suppose that must explain it.

SHANA WINTERS
Explain what, Ferret-Face?

ROBERT COLEMAN
And I thought you were just a freak…
(Half a beat.)
Of nature!

SHANA WINTERS
Very bloody funny, Headless.

ELMIRA deWILDE
All right, so it’s better to start off young then never at all.   But surely not so young.

ROBERT COLEMAN
The younger the better.   Our society trains women from puberty to be frigid.   So the sooner you start untraining, the better.

SHANA WINTERS
What?   You really must be suffering from a massive inferiority complex, which is understandable in your case, since you are massively inferior, if you think all women are plotting together to keep men from getting their jollies!

ROBERT COLEMAN
What I said, if you’ll bother to listen, is that society trains women to be frigid.

SHANA WINTERS
Meaning the female society.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Not at all, most fathers are just as anxious to ensure their daughters are frigid, as mothers are.   Therefore it’s necessary to start women having sex as early as possible to bypass this negative programming.   And despite what the government seems to think, the average thirteen-year-old girl is physically capable of handling sex.

SHANA WINTERS
We’ll have to take your word for it, since we were all pure at that age.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Christ, what went wrong since then?

SHANA WINTERS
But then I suppose you’ve had enough experience with thirteen year olds to be able to state it categorically…
(Half a beat.)
I hear you like your meat very tender!

DAVINIA WATKINS
What about the psychological aspects?   Are girls that young mentally capable of handling sex?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Certainly.   All the mental hang-ups women suffer from over sex are purely part of the frigidity training they receive all their lives.   If caught early enough, like any other hang up, it can be overcome.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I wish you were hung up, Ferret-Face.   Say from the ceiling by your nuts, for instance!

DAVINIA WATKINS
Then what about the aspect of unwanted pregnancies?   How does a thirteen-year-old girl obtain contraceptives?

ROBERT COLEMAN
That’s no problem in Victoria or New South Wales.   By law in those states, a doctor is required to attempt to prevent a thirteen-year-old girl from having sex.   But if he knows she’s having sex, and can’t stop her, then he can prescribe contraceptives to her.   By law it’s considered bad for a thirteen year old to have sex, but worse to get pregnant.   So if the lesser evil cannot be prevented, then the greater one must.

SHANA WINTERS
If they want to prevent great evils, why don’t they just shut down your brain, Ferret-Face?

ELMIRA deWILDE
You mean they didn’t years ago?

ROBERT COLEMAN
Listen you two dumb sluts, if you can’t contribute something positive, for God’s sake keep your fat traps shut!

ELMIRA deWILDE
Who are you calling dumb sluts?

SHANA WINTERS
Yes, what gives you the right to go around. maligning us on the air?

ROBERT COLEMAN
I suppose the same thing that allows you two dried up old slags the right to refuse to say anything intelligent; while I’m doing my best to give some good advice!

ELMIRA deWILDE
That’s trying your best?   Christ!   I’d hate to see you when you’re bludging!

SHANA WINTERS
Good advice, ha!   Soliciting is more like it!

ROBERT COLEMAN
God can’t you two broken records forget the fact she’s thirteen?   Sheryl and her boyfriend are both just the right age to begin exploring sex.

SHANA WINTERS
You mean for him to start exploring her…
(Half a beat.)
You creep!

Tony steps forward and does his stopping-starting motion.

TONY LAZARUS
Right, time out for an ad. break.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Caught unawares.)
What?

SHANA WINTERS
My God, now he’s going deaf…
(Half a beat.)
As well!

TONY LAZARUS
We’re off the air now, Rob.   Go on to the next letter when we return to air.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Fair enough.   There’s no point continuing with this one, when these two dumb sluts don’t have anything worthwhile to say.   Not that they ever do!

SHANA WINTERS
Watch it or I’ll rip your balls off.

ELMIRA deWILDE
I keep telling you Shana, he hasn’t got any balls.

ROBERT COLEMAN (Shaking head.)
Someone’s going to have to teach those two bitches a lesson.

He starts sorting through one of the stacks of mail until he finds the dummy letter.

ROBERT COLEMAN
And I know just the man to do it.

SHANA WINTERS
Don’t be silly, you don’t know any men.

ELMIRA deWILDE
On the contrary Shana, I hear he knows lots of men…
(Half a beat.)
Intimately!

SHANA WINTERS
Really?   I’ve heard he was into young girls.   In fact, the younger the better from what I hear.

ELMIRA deWILDE
He’s probably one of those gay libertines who believe “If it moves, looks good, or smells nice do it!”

deWilde and Winters laugh at this.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Well, I guess you two dykes would know all about gay revelry!

TONY LAZARUS (Signalling a break.)
Right, we’re going back on the air.

ROBERT COLEMAN (To the audience.)
About a fortnight ago, we had a letter from a woman writing about the problem of her boyfriends always expecting sex at the end of every date.   Our next letter takes on the same subject from the man’s viewpoint.   The letter is from Barry T., who writes: “We hear a lot of rubbish these days about the so called permissive society.   So, I’d like to know whatever happened to all the permissive women?   Nowadays, Women’s Liberation seems to mean either total frigidity, or else raving lesbianism.
Winters jumps to her feet, and points at the letter.

SHANA WINTERS
Why that creep!   That unmitigated….

ROBERT COLEMAN
Sit down, Shana, you’ll get your say in a moment.   For whatever the Hell that’ll be worth.

Winters sits down again, but is obviously still furious.

Coleman resumes reading out the dummy letter.

ROBERT COLEMAN
“Just what does a healthy young man have to do to get a good time these days?   If all you’re going to get out of a date is the pleasure of the girl’s company, then you’d be better off going out with a mate!   At least he’ll pay his own way!   P.S. That appears to be one of the Women’s Lib Movement’s big failures in recent times.   Back in the ’60s and early ’70s when the Movement was so vocal, we heard a lot of talk about the Dutch Treat.   The idea being that if the woman paid her own way, there was no need for her to feel indebted to the man at the end of the evening.   It seems, however, now it has served its purpose, the Dutch Treat is no longer needed, and the Movement is now quite contented to have a woman sponge off a man all night, then still not feel indebted to him later on.   Talk about women having the best of both worlds!”

ELMIRA deWILDE
What crap.   There are still plenty of women who pay their own way on dates!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Name one?

ELMIRA deWILDE
Me.   I always pay my own way on dates!

ROBERT COLEMAN
You, ha!   You’d. have to pay for the man too, before anyone would stoop to going out with you!

Winters jumps to her feet again, and points toward the letter.

SHANA WINTERS
Now that’s just the sort of sexist bullshit that poor woman was complaining about a fortnight ago!

ROBERT COLEMAN
Rubbish!   The guy has obviously got a very good point.

ELMIRA deWILDE
Yeah, at the top of his head.   The pinhead!

SHANA WINTERS
If you ask me, there’s no point to him at all.

ROBERT COLEMAN
So who was asking you, anyway?

SHANA WINTERS
What he needs, by the sound of him, is a good point…
(Half a beat.)
Say a six inch nail driven straight between his ears.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now, now, Shana, no need to be any bitchier than is absolutely necessary.

SHANA WINTERS
Bitchy?   Bitchy?   Listen the creep has as good as said women are only good for sex.   And you have the nerve to call it bitchy, when I show a little righteous indignation.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Righteous, Shana?   Or self-righteous?

SHANA WINTERS
What?   Why you…

Tony signals O/S for a BLEEPING sound that drowns SHANA WINTERS’S voice.

ROBERT COLEMAN
Now, now Shana.   No need to send poor Tony into fits of panic.   Particularly when you know you’re wrong.

SHANA WINTERS
How am I wrong?   Tell me that, Ferret-Face!

ROBERT COLEMAN
You’re obviously wrong, because one of the best known paranoias of the twentieth century…

SHANA WINTERS
Oh God, here we go again!

ROBERT COLEMAN
The best known paranoias of the twentieth century woman, is a manic fear of sex!

ELMIRA deWILDE
A manic fear of sex?   Or a perfectly natural fear of sex maniacs, like you?

SHANA WINTERS
Right.   No matter what notions you may have entertained in your feeble little mind, Coleman, women aren’t merely the playthings of lecherous men.

ROBERT COLEMAN
I can believe it in your case, Shana.   No man in his right mind would ever want to play with you!

SHANA WINTERS
Screw yourself, Headless!

Jumping to her feet, Winters runs over to Coleman and slaps him in the face.

Rising to his feet, Coleman punches Winters in the face, knocking her unconscious.

ELMIRA deWILDE
That animal!   How dare he hit a woman?

ROBERT COLEMAN (Shouting.)
Shut up!   Shut up, damn you!

DAVINIA WATKINS
My God, he’s cracking up!

ELMIRA deWILDE
So what’s news?

Coleman reaches into his inner coat pocket, pulls out a handgun and fires four quick shots at deWilde and Watkins.

deWilde and Watkins both collapse onto the stage.

Tony rushes over to Coleman, knocks the gun out of his hand, and then punches Coleman in the face and then the stomach, and Coleman collapses onto the stage.

Tony walks over to deWilde and examines her for a moment, then has a quick look at Watkins.

TONY LAZARUS (To himself.)
Dead?   Both dead?

Tina rushes onto stage and kneels beside Coleman, as Tony walks to the front of the stage.

TONY LAZARUS (To the audience.)
I regret to announce, due to circumstances beyond our control, this will be the final episode in the current series of The Beauties.

FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT FOUR: