The third sequel to The Retardis. Petite Toots and Megan are still there, but we find ourselves in an alternative reality.
CHARACTERS
THE DOCTOR #1: Good-looking redhead, in thirties.
THE DOCTOR #2: Good-looking redhead, in thirties.
THE DOCTOR #3: Good-looking redhead, in thirties.
THE DOCTOR #4: Good-looking redhead, in thirties.
THE DOCTOR #5: Good-looking redhead, in thirties.
THE DOCTOR #6: Good-looking redhead, in thirties.
MEGAN #1: One of THE DOCTOR #1’s companions. Brunette in late twenties.
MEGAN #2: One of THE DOCTOR #2’s companions. Brunette in late twenties.
MEGAN #3: One of THE DOCTOR #3’s companions. Brunette in late twenties.
MEGAN #4: One of THE DOCTOR #4’s companions. Brunette in late twenties.
MEGAN #5: One of THE DOCTOR #5’s companions. Brunette in late twenties.
MEGAN #6: One of THE DOCTOR #6’s companions. Brunette in late twenties.
PETITE TOOTS #1: One of THE DOCTOR #1’s companions. Blonde girl about 8 to 10.
PETITE TOOTS #2: One of THE DOCTOR #2’s companions. Blonde girl about 8 to 10.
PETITE TOOTS #3: One of THE DOCTOR #3’s companions. Blonde girl about 8 to 10.
PETITE TOOTS #4: One of THE DOCTOR #4’s companions. Blonde girl about 8 to 10.
PETITE TOOTS #5: One of THE DOCTOR #5’s companions. Blonde girl about 8 to 10.
PETITE TOOTS #6: One of THE DOCTOR #6’s companions. Blonde girl about 8 to 10.
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
2ND HOME GUARDSMAN
BAILIFF
PRESIDENT
PRESIDENT VERUKA: President of the Time-Dorks
PRINCES ASTRO: Young, blonde woman, secret leader of one of the Kant groups; wears long, flowing purple gown
CHIEF SURGEON: Youngish man, in love with PRINCES ASTRO
PRIVATE WILSON: PRINCES ASTRO’s body guard.
BRIGADIER ALEXANDER RIGHTBRIDGE-STUPID: Fifties or sixties, tall, moustachioed man; with an eye patch; head of Eunuch command
JAYNE GRUNT: Black-haired bimbo assistant of Female Doctor
CAPTAIN MIKE BATES: Forty-something
CORPORAL BENSON: Late thirties
CYBER-POOF #1
CYBER-POOFS #2
CYBER-POOFS #3
CYBER-POOFS #4
CYBER-POOF LEADER: Pink, metallic alien with teapot-shaped head
ORANGE KANT LEADER: Woman in early twenties, dressed in orange, with dark orange hair.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND: Woman in early twenties, dressed in orange, with dark orange hair.
DIRECTOR: Man in fifties or sixties.
PRODUCER: Man in fifties or sixties.
CAMERAMAN: Man in thirties.
OLD WOMAN IN STAIRWELL
PURPLE KANT LEADER: Woman in early twenties, dressed in purple, with dark purple hair.
PURPLE 2ND IN COMMAND: Woman in early twenties, dressed in purple, with dark purple hair.
FLAT-CHESTED KANT
1ST NATIVE WITH SPEAR
2ND NATIVE WITH SPEAR
EXTRAS
Other Home-Guardsmen; other Time-Dork counsellors; black-clad guard of PRINCES ASTRO; green Kants killed by KAY-SWINE #2; other KANT members; other natives with spears
INTERIOR SETS
RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM
GALLAFART
— corridor outside the Retardis
— court chambers
CYBER-POOF COMMAND BUILDING
— corridors, including T-junctions and cross-junctions
— medical room
— command room
— cells where the
THE DOCTOR & the others are held
SKYSCRAPERS
— ground floor/foyer
— living room
— bedroom
— stairwell
— outside express elevator
EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
STREET, CHICAGO 1929
BANKS OF RIVER
OUTSIDE SKYSCRAPERS
CLIFF FACE
BASE OF CLIFF
FOREST
CLEARING IN FOREST
TEASER:
FADE IN:
EXT. STREETS OF CHICAGO 1929 — DAY
SHOT IN GRAINY B&W.
T-model Ford pulls over by the kerb and half-a-dozen gangsters (complete with instrument cases.) get out.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis materialises on the sidewalk (not far from gangster car.), with its back to an office block, the doors facing out into the street.
The Retardis’s doors open and MEGAN steps out.
Megan, is short and brown-haired, an Aussie by birth.
A bit of an airhead and very sarcastic by nature. Also a bit of a cynic.
MEGAN
THE DOCTOR, where exactly…?
SCREECHING TYRES as a car whizzes around the corner LHS of SHOT and comes ROARING down the street toward them.
As it reaches them two gangsters lean out the side windows and fire machine-guns toward the T-model Ford.
The gangsters in the T-model Ford pull out guns and FIRE BACK.
Bullet-holes appear across the side of the Ford and also the Retardis, right across Megan at chest height.
Megan screams and falls to the sidewalk.
GO to COLOUR SHOT.
RUNNING FEET within the Retardis, then PETITE TOOTS and the THE DOCTOR appear from the Retardis.
Seeing Megan lying on pavement, they kneel to examine her.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Oh, my God! She…
(Half a beat.)
She’s dead, isn’t she?
THE DOCTOR (Quiet.)
Yes.
PETITE TOOTS is eight or ten, very small, blonde, stubborn and almost as big a bimbo as Megan. She fancies herself as a wit, but is only half right.
The Doctor is a tall, shapely redhead, and is a scientist, qualified in seemingly every field. She is not quite as sarcastic as Megan, and nowhere near as big an airhead. Although she is notoriously clumsy.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, what are you going to do?
THE DOCTOR
There’s nothing I can do…
(Half a beat.)
Not without grossly violating the first rule of time and risking the wrath of the Time-Dorks.
PETITE TOOTS
But what are you going to do about Megan?
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
I’ve just told you. I’m going to risk the wrath of the Time-Dorks, by grossly violating the first rule of time and bringing Megan back to life.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh, I see.
THE DOCTOR
Help me get her back inside.
They each hook an arm under one of Megan’s shoulders and drag her backwards into the Retardis.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — DAY —
THE DOCTOR and Petite Toots enter from doors LHS of SHOT
dragging Megan by the shoulders.
They leave Megan on the floor near the flight consul, and then the Doctor adjusts the Retardis controls.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.
EXT. STREETS OF CHICAGO 1929 — DAY
SHOT IN GRAINY B&W.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then Retardis vanishes.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then Retardis reappears; this time at the kerb, facing toward the building, a few feet away from where it previously was, facing toward where it previously was.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — DAY
COLOUR SHOT.
The Doctor and Petite Toots are standing by the consul; Megan’s corpse is still lying on the floor.
The Doctor turns a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.
THE DOCTOR
Now no matter what happens stay inside the Retardis.
PETITE TOOTS
Of course, Doctor.
The Doctor turns and starts walking toward the doors.
A second later Petite Toots starts following her.
The Doctor stops and looks back.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
For God’s sake, I said stay inside where it’s safe.
PETITE TOOTS
You don’t have to tell me twice, Doc.
The Doctor turns and starts walking toward the doors.
A second later Petite Toots starts following her.
The Doctor stops and looks back.
THE DOCTOR
Damn it, won’t you ever do what you’re told!
PETITE TOOTS
No…
(Half a beat.)
Why should I? You’re not my parents. I only obey orders from my parents.
THE DOCTOR
Your parents are both dead.
PETITE TOOTS
Exactly…
(Half a beat.)
So I don’t have to obey orders from anyone.
THE DOCTOR
Well, do you take bribes?
PETITE TOOTS
Of course. What kid doesn’t?
THE DOCTOR
All right, will you stay here for five bucks?
PETITE TOOTS
Make it ten and you’ve got a deal.
THE DOCTOR
Mercenary bitch. Oh, all right.
The Doctor turns and starts walking toward the doors.
A second later Petite Toots starts following her.
The Doctor stops and looks back.
THE DOCTOR
For God’s sake you miniaturised musclehead.
PETITE TOOTS (Holding out a hand.)
In advance.
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
All right, already.
She reaches into her large cloth bag, which she is carrying, and pulls out a large wallet.
THE DOCTOR
Let’s see now: English pounds, French Francs, Italian lira, Mexican pesos, Mongolian tugriks, Saltaran zoltags…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha, U.S. dollars!
(She pulls out a U.S. $10 note and hands it to Petite Toots.)
Now for Christ’s sake go and wait till I return.
(Pointing at consul.)
Petite Toots stares at the $10 note for a moment.
PETITE TOOTS
Make it twenty.
The Doctor starts back toward her, looking livid.
Petite Toots squeals and races back to hide behind the consul.
The Doctor turns and starts walking toward the doors.
PETITE TOOTS
I guess I was pushing my luck that time.
EXT. STREETS OF CHICAGO 1929 — DAY
SHOT IN GRAINY B&W.
A T-model Ford pulls over by the kerb and half-a-dozen typical gangster types get out.
The Retardis’s doors open and the Doctor steps out.
THE DOCTOR (Looking at wristwatch.)
Come on; come on, what’s keeping you?
(Frustrated.)
Either my watch is fast, or….
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a second Retardis identical to the first appears by the side of the building, facing toward the first Retardis.
Second Retardis’s doors open and Megan steps out.
MEGAN #2
Doctor, where exactly…?
She stops and stares gape-mouthed at Doctor #1 standing before an identical Retardis.
MEGAN #2 (Shocked.)
What…?
(Half a beat.)
Doctor…?
(Half a beat.)
How…?
SCREECHING TYRES.
THE DOCTOR #1
Get back in there before you get killed, dingleberry!
Doctor #1 steps forward a pace and gives Megan #2 a hard shove.
Megan #2 squeals as she goes flying backwards into the second Retardis.
A car whizzes around the corner LHS of SHOT and comes ROARING down the street toward them.
THE DOCTOR #1
Uh-oh, I’d better get out of here too.
Doctor #1 ducks back into her own Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then 1st Retardis vanishes.
INT. THE DOCTOR #2′S RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — DAY
COLOUR SHOT.
Doctor #2 and Petite Toots #2 are standing by the consul.
Megan #2 flies backwards into the room from LHS of SHOT screeching in shock as she slides on her backside across the floor to stop by the flight consul.
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Running across to Megan #2.)
What the hell happened?
MEGAN #2
The Doctor pushed me back into the Retardis and called me a dingleberry.
PETITE TOOTS #2
I don’t believe it.
MEGAN #2
Yes, she did. She said, “Get back in there before you get killed, dingleberry!”
PETITE TOOTS #2
No, I believe she called you a dingleberry. She calls you that all the time…
(Half a beat.)
We both do. Dingleberry! What I meant is the Doctor is over there.
(Pointing at Doctor #2.)
So how could she have been outside the Retardis?
MEGAN #2 (Staring at Doctor #2 in amazement.)
But Doctor, how can you be there, when you were just outside?
EXT. STREETS OF CHICAGO 1929 — DAY
SHOT IN GRAINY B&W.
As the car reaches them, two gangsters lean out the side windows and fire machine-guns toward the T-model Ford.
The gangsters in the T-model Ford pull out guns and fire back.
INT. THE DOCTOR #2′S RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — DAY
COLOUR SHOT.
Doctor #2 and Petite Toots #2 are standing by the consul. Megan #2 is sitting beside consul staring at Doctor #2.
Doctor #2 and Petite Toots #2 walk over to help Megan #2 back to her feet.
MACHINE-GUN FIRE outside the Retardis.
Doctor #2 and Petite Toots #2 spin around toward doors causing Megan #2 to bump her head hard on the bottom of the flight consul.
MEGAN #2
Ouch! Look out!
PETITE TOOTS #2
Gunfire?
Doctor #2 turns a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors shut.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Considering a moment.)
Then if I was outside and pushed Megan back into this Retardis…
(Half a beat.)
That means I must have just grossly violated the first rule of time.
MEGAN #2 (Rubbing her head with a hand.)
How do you mean?
THE DOCTOR #2
You must have been gunned-down when you stepped outside. So I took the Retardis back in time a minute or so to push you back inside the Retardis before you got killed.
MEGAN #2 (Puzzled.)
Do the Time-Dorks allow that kind of thing?
THE DOCTOR #2
Er, well, um, strictly speaking, no. But what they don’t know can’t hurt me.
FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.
FADE OUT:
ACT ONE:
FADE IN:
INT. THE DOCTOR #1′S RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — DAY
Doctor #1 and Petite Toots #1 are standing over the “corpse” of Megan #1.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Did it work?
Megan #1 has bullet holes and blood in a straight line across her white blouse.
The blood suddenly starts seeping back into the bullet-holes, then the bullets fall out and vanish and the holes close up one by one.
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh my God, did you see that?
PETITE TOOTS #1
It’s just like an old Hammer horror film, where the vampire’s wounds vanish when the stake is pulled out of its chest.
MEGAN #1 (Sitting up/Clutching her head.)
Oh God, my head! What was I drinking last night?
PETITE TOOTS #1
You were gunned down and killed. But the Doctor grossly violated the first rule of time to bring you back to life.
MEGAN #1
Is that true, Doctor? Did you do that for me?
THE DOCTOR #1
Er, well, um, sort of. But I’d greatly appreciate it if you didn’t go telling anyone…
(Half a beat.)
Especially the Time-Dorks. Strictly speaking I’m not supposed to do that.
BELL RINGING, ECHOING FROM DEEP within the Retardis.
MEGAN #1
What the hell is that?
PETITE TOOTS #1
The dinner bell, oh good, I’m starved.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up you teensy weensy Tyrannosaurus. It’s the closter bell. It means some great disaster is imminent
MEGAN #1
Well, God it’s irritating. It’s giving me a headache.
THE DOCTOR #1
You’re not wrong. But don’t worry; I’ll take care of it.
She flicks a switch on the consul and RINGING STOPS.
THE DOCTOR #1
That takes care of that.
PETITE TOOTS #1
If only all emergencies were that simple to solve.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY as the Retardis lands.
PETITE TOOTS #1
We’re landing already. That’s funny.
THE DOCTOR #1
Particularly since I didn’t set any course co-ordinates.
Doctor #1 returns to the flight consul and flips a switch and turns on the viewer screen, to display a long, yellow-walled corridor.
MEGAN #1
We’re back on Gallafart!
THE DOCTOR #1
Uh-oh, something tells me the Time-Dorks already know what I did.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Puzzled.)
You mean grossly violating the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life?
THE DOCTOR #1
Yes! But don’t ever mention that again.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Trust me, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Uh-oh, now I’m worried.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Angry.)
Hey!
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE RETARDIS — LIT
Half-a-dozen Home Guardsmen are standing outside the Retardis.
The Retardis’s door opens and Doctor #1 steps out, carrying her huge cloth bag on her left arm. Behind her come Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1.
THE DOCTOR #1
Hello, is there something I can do for you?
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
You’re under arrest, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
What for?
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
I think you know what for, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Shaking head.)
Uh huh, not a clue.
MEGAN #1 (Shaking head.)
Don’t ask me.
PETITE TOOTS #1
I think he means because you grossly violated the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life, Doctor.
The Doctor glares at Petite Toots.
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
Come along, Doctor, President
PRESIDENT VERUKA wishes to see you immediately.
THE DOCTOR #1
Very well, take me to our leader.
Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 both groan.
THE DOCTOR #1
Sorry, just a little sci-fi humour there.
MEGAN #1
Very little humour, in fact.
Doctor #1, Megan #1, Petite Toots #1 and Home Guardsmen all start off down the long corridor.
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — THE DOCTOR #1,
MEGAN #1, and Petite Toots #1 are standing before a long,
wooden bench, which is vacant.
After a moment a bailiff enters from a side door.
BAILIFF (Clapping his hands for attention.)
Silence. All rise to show your respect for those great and glorious personages who have been ruling us all so wisely.
MEGAN #1
Who is he talking about, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
I think he’s referring to that august body of men and women whom we Time-Dorks like to refer to as…
(Half a beat.)
The Dingleberry Committee.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Why do you call them that, Doc?
THE DOCTOR #1
Basically, they’re a collection of small turds…
(Half a beat.)
Surrounding one big arsehole.
PETITE TOOTS #1/MEGAN #1
Oh, I see!
BAILIFF (Shouting.)
Silence!
Half-a-dozen male and female judges enter the chamber and walk around to sit behind the long bench. In the middle sits President Veruka.
Veruka is a tall, striking man, primly proper, and a little too full of his own importance.
THE DOCTOR #1
Speaking of whom!
BAILIFF (Shouting.)
Silence!
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER
Veruka and Bailiff are both looking impatiently at their watches.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
What can be keeping them?
BAILIFF
I’m not sure, President Veruka.
THE DOCTOR #1
Look, is this gonna take much longer, we’re late for lunch.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, I’m starving.
BAILIFF
Show some respect for the high counsel and for President Veruka!
THE DOCTOR #1
I thought I was?
PETITE TOOTS #1
Well as much respect as that rude bitch ever shows anyone.
MEGAN #1
Apart of course from the Mistress. She always showed the Mistress more respect than she ever shows President Veruka.
THE DOCTOR #1
That’s because the Mistress was a fine and worthwhile opponent, worthy of my grudging respect.
MEGAN #1
Until you machine-gunned her down in cold blood. Now she’s just a corpse.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up!
FOOTSTEPS in the corridor behind them. The doors open wide and half-a-dozen Home-Guardsmen enter escorting Doctor #2, who is carrying a large cloth bag, Megan #2, and Petite Toots #2.
They walk up to the bench, and the two sets of Doctors, Megans, and Petite Tootses stare at each other in shock.
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh no, what are you doing here?
THE DOCTOR #2
We got shanghaied in mid flight.
THE DOCTOR #1
Same here.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Doctor, there are two of you. And two of Megan.
MEGAN #1
And worst of all, two microscopic muscleheads.
PETITE TOOTS #1/PETITE TOOTS #2
Shut up, Megan!
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Yes, Miss Jehovah, you’ve got enough to answer for already.
MEGAN #1
How do you mean?
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Have you forgotten your last visit to Gallafart?
(MEGAN #1 looks puzzled.)
When you lasered to death two high counsel-members, eleven Home-Guardsmen, and two-thirds of the population of Gallafart.
MEGAN #1 (Indignant.)
That wasn’t me.
(Pointing at Megan #2.)
That was her.
MEGAN #2
It was not. It was you.
MEGAN #1
No, it was not. You’re the earlier one. So you’re closest to the Megan who did it.
MEGAN #2
By about twenty-five seconds.
MEGAN #1
That twenty-five seconds makes all the difference.
MEGAN #2
No, it does not!
MEGAN #1
Yes, it does!
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Never mind that! We’re not here to judge either one of you.
The two Megans run a hand across their brows.
MEGAN #1/MEGAN #2
Phew!
MEGAN #1
Then why are we here?
PRESIDENT VERUKA
I’m sure you already know the answer to that, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
No, can’t say that I do.
THE DOCTOR #2
Me neither.
MEGAN #1
Nor me.
MEGAN #2
Don’t ask me.
PETITE TOOTS #1/PETITE TOOTS #2
I think he means because you grossly violated the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life, Doctor.
Both Doctors shake their heads in dismay.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Angry.)
As if one of them wasn’t bad enough!
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Never mind that. How could you be so callous in your disregard for the laws of time, Doctor?
PETITE TOOTS #1
It’s easy when you’ve had as much practice as she has.
THE DOCTOR #1
What choice did I have? I couldn’t very well let Megan stay dead when I knew how to bring her back to life, could I?
PRESIDENT VERUKA (Emphatic.)
Yes, you could have!
PETITE TOOTS #1/PETITE TOOTS #2
Sounds good to me!
THE DOCTOR #1
But how could I do that? She’s my best friend.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Amazed.)
Your best friend, but you’re always saying you hate her guts?
THE DOCTOR #1
All right, so I hate her guts. But she’s still my best friend. I wouldn’t actually want her to die.
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Amazed.)
But you’re always telling her to drop dead?
THE DOCTOR #1
Yes, but that’s only a figure of speech. I wouldn’t want her to really drop dead.
PETITE TOOTS #1
But you’re always telling her to crawl off somewhere and die?
THE DOCTOR #1 (Frustrated.)
Okay, but I don’t mean it literally. I only say that when she’s irritating me.
PETITE TOOTS #2
But you say it fifty times a day on average.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Frustrated.)
All right, so she irritates me a lot. But that doesn’t alter the fact that she’s still my best friend.
PETITE TOOTS #1
But just the other day you told her to crawl away and die…
(Half a beat.)
And to make sure she did, you provided her with road maps, and an address of a drug store selling lethal poisons.
PETITE TOOTS #2
And you gave her a life-time membership to a gun-club…
(Half a beat.)
Then painted a bull’s-eye on her forehead.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Angry.)
All right already, but she’s still my best friend in the whole galaxy.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Jesus, if that’s the way you treat your best friend, I’d hate to be your worst enemy.
THE DOCTOR #1
You already are, you miniaturised moron. Now shut up!
Petite Toots #1 glares at Doctor #1.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Don’t you realise the potential dangers of tampering with the continuity of time, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
Yes, yes, there’s no need to lecture me. All Gallafartians have that mumbo-jumbo drilled into us since kindergarten.
THE DOCTOR #1/THE DOCTOR #2
(Sounding thoroughly bored.)
Even saving the life of one single ant could alter the whole course of time and cause Galactic War Seventeen….
THE DOCTOR #1
Yeah, yeah, sure, no one takes that bull crap seriously. I mean how could Megan being alive instead of dead possibly effect the order of the universe in any way?
PETITE TOOTS #1
It couldn’t, she’s too insignificant.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Not directly it couldn’t I grant you. But it could be that by living she will give birth to some great tyrant who may go on to cause the Armageddon.
PETITE TOOTS #1
No way, just look at her.
(Pointing at Megan #1.)
She’s a geek for Christ’s sake. No man in his right mind would climb on top of that and start bouncing up and down.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Yeah, even a taxidermist wouldn’t mount her!
MEGAN #1/MEGAN #2
Shut up you minute muscleheads!
THE DOCTOR #1
Come off it, they’re right. No offence meant. But it’s highly unlikely she could ever have kids. I think she’s already gone through menopause anyway.
MEGAN #1/MEGAN #2
Doctor! I’m only thirty-two!
Both Doctors and both Petite Tootses look shocked.
THE DOCTOR #1/PETITE TOOTS #1/THE DOCTOR #2/PETITE TOOTS #2
You’re kidding!
The two Megan’s glare at the two Petite Tootses and two Doctors.
MEGAN #1/MEGAN #2
No, I am not kidding!
PETITE TOOTS #1
Jesus, some people age badly, don’t they?
THE DOCTOR #1
You can say that again.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Jesus, some people age badly, don’t they?
MEGAN #1/MEGAN #2
Shut up!
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Be that as it may, she actually does give birth…
(Half a beat.)
To a son. Who then betrays Earth to the cyber-poofs, who conquer the Earth. Which they can then use as a launching base to go on to conquer the entire galaxy.
THE DOCTOR #1
Whoops!
PETITE TOOTS #1
All because you grossly violated the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Double whoops!
PETITE TOOTS #1
Oh well, Megan, I guess we’ve got no choice.
MEGAN #1
What do you mean you’ve got no choice?
PETITE TOOTS #2
She means we’ll just have to undo undoing your death.
(To Petite Toots #1.)
Do you wanna hold her while I stayzer her? Or should I hold her while you stayzer her.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Weeeeeell….
MEGAN #1/MEGAN #2
Get stuffed, you undersized ogresses!
PETITE TOOTS #1
You selfish cows! What is more important? Your life, or the freedom of the entire universe?
PETITE TOOTS #2
Yeah, surely you wouldn’t put your one life ahead of the lives and freedom of trillions of people?
MEGAN #1
Allow me to reiterate.
MEGAN #1/MEGAN #2
Get stuffed, you undersized ogresses.
Both Petite Tootses look puzzled.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Well, I guess that answers that question.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Well, you’ve really put us all in a tricky situation, haven’t you, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
All right, so the cyber-poofs control the entire universe…
(Half a beat.)
And all its surrounding colonies. So what, is that my fault?
PETITE TOOTS #1/MEGAN #1/PETITE TOOTS #2/
MEGAN #2/PRESIDENT VERUKA
Well, strictly speaking, yes!
THE DOCTOR #1 (Puzzled.)
Oh yeah, so it is.
MEGAN #1
So what’s the solution?
PETITE TOOTS #1
We’ve already told you.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Yeah, we’re going to stayzer you.
MEGAN #2
Shut up!
PRESIDENT VERUKA
The solution is for you to find, Doctor…
(Half a beat.)
Both of you. All I can do is return you both to Earth in the future.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Indignant.)
Why both of us?
(Pointing at Doctor #1.)
She did it, not me.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Nonetheless, you must help her out…
(Half a beat.)
This is too big a crisis to leave in the hands of one Time-Dork. And frankly we have no one else to spare.
(Rambling a little.)
What with the holiday roster, half the Time-Dorks off sick with the Beta Centaurian flu…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, anyway, the point is we have no one else available.
MEGAN #1/MEGAN #2
Oh God, so much for the universe. If you’re gonna leave it in the hands of this ginger-headed geekess.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, if she’s all you’ve got available.
THE DOCTOR #1/THE DOCTOR #2/PRESIDENT VERUKA
Shut up!
THE DOCTOR #2 (Sulky.)
Still, why should I get stuck with looking out for that dingleberry?
(Pointing at Doctor #1.)
PRESIDENT VERUKA
She’s you, you dorkess, from twenty-five seconds into the future.
THE DOCTOR #2
She’s still a dingleberry.
MEGAN #1/PETITE TOOTS #1/MEGAN #2/PETITE TOOTS #2
You’ve got that right.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Besides it’s your own fault for always getting involved.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Indignant.)
How dare you? I never get involved.
PETITE TOOTS #2
She just interferes.
THE DOCTOR #2
Exactly.
MEGAN #2 (To Doctor #2.)
Well, I guess you really told that old eunuch, Doc.
Veruka glares at Doctor #2, Megan #2, and Petite Toots #2.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Now mind, Doctors, don’t try to abscond. You must return to Earth to fix what you have done.
Both Doctors grin cheesily.
THE DOCTOR #1/THE DOCTOR #2
Trust us on this one.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Oh God, now I’m worried!
The guards, two Doctors and their companions turn and walk toward the double doors at the back of the chambers.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CHAMBERS — LIT
Door SLAMS open with a CRASH and out steps Petite Toots #1, followed by the others. They all turn right and start walking down the corridor.
INT. CORRIDOR NEAR 1ST RETARDIS — LIT
Doctor #1, Megan #1, and Petite Toots #1 and some Home Guardsmen walk into SHOT from LHS and walk across to the Retardis.
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
Now mind what President Veruka said, Doctor, you must not try to run away and shirk your duty.
THE DOCTOR #1
Never!
PETITE TOOTS #1
No way!
MEGAN #1
How could you ever think we’d do something like that?
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
My sincere apologies.
PETITE TOOTS #1
That’s all right then.
Doctor #1, Megan #1, and Petite Toots #1 turn and march into the Retardis.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR #1,
Megan #1, and Petite Toots #1 enter from LHS of SHOT and walk across to the consul.
Doctor #1 turns a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
MEGAN #1
So it’s straight back to Earth, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
Either that or we could run away to Beta Centauri to hide, and let that rusty-headed ratbag take care of things back on Earth.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Running away to Beta Centauri sounds good to me.
MEGAN #1
It’s always been my favourite vacation spot.
THE DOCTOR #1
Okay, let’s go.
She reaches towards the flight consul.
Megan #1 & Petite Toots #1 scream and race across and leap up onto the flight consul.
Megan ties a seat belt around herself to hold her securely to the consul.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Hey! How come she gets a seat belt and I just have to hold on for dear life?
THE DOCTOR #1
Look you two retardo-esses! I’m getting a little sick of all these woman-driver jokes.
MEGAN #1/PETITE TOOTS #1
What woman-driver jokes?
The Doctor reaches for a lever on the consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, and the Retardis lurches wildly, tossing the Doctor across the consul room.
THE DOCTOR #1
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TEN MINUTES
LATER — MEGAN #1 & PETITE TOOTS #1 on the flight consul; the Doctor is standing again, now holding onto the consul for dear life.
The Retardis is shaking madly as though about to tear apart.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Oh God, she’s gonna crash this crate.
THE DOCTOR #1
Relax dudes and dudettes, I always know exactly what I’m doing.
She stares blankly into space for a few moments.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Puzzled.)
What was I just doing then?
MEGAN #1
You were about to set in the new course co-ordinates.
THE DOCTOR #1
No, I meant after that?
MEGAN #1
You were telling us how you always know exactly what you’re doing.
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh yes, of course!
Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 exchange a worried look.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then all trace of movement of the Retardis stops.
THE DOCTOR #1
That’s funny, we seem to have stopped already.
MEGAN #1
We can’t be at Beta Centauri already, can we?
The Doctor starts fiddling with some controls and reads various gauges.
THE DOCTOR #1
We don’t seem to be at Beta Centauri.
MEGAN #1
Oh God, this happened when she tried to take us to Acapulco awhile back.
PETITE TOOTS #1
What happened then?
MEGAN #1
First we landed in Alaska. Then Australia. Then we went back in time to prehistoric times….
THE DOCTOR #1
That wasn’t my fault. The Mistress had taken control of my flight computer then.
MEGAN #1
That’s her excuse for everything.
PETITE TOOTS #1
I think she’s just a lousy navigator.
MEGAN #1
You’re not wrong…
(Half a beat.)
God knows where she’s taken us this time.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Looking up from consul.)
According to this we’re back on Earth.
PETITE TOOTS #1
We might have known.
MEGAN #1 (Undoing the safety belt.)
Who wants to bet we really are in Acapulco this time?
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up! The Time-Dorks obviously realised we’d never do as they asked of our own free will. So they pre-set the co-ordinates into the Retardis to takes us back to Earth.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, yeah, sure, Doctor.
MEGAN #1
That’s her excuse for everything.
Megan and Petite Toots climb down off the flight consul.
The Doctor starts fiddling with controls on the consul.
PETITE TOOTS #1
What is that dingleberry doing now?
THE DOCTOR #1
I’m trying to see if we can take off again. The Time-Dorks have programmed the Retardis to take us to Earth. But possibly now that we’re here we can reprogram it.
MEGAN #1
Good thinking, Doc.
(To Petite Toots.)
See, and you said she was one major dingleberry-head.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Insistent.)
Well, she is.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up, dingleberries!
She continues fiddling with the controls for a moment.
THE DOCTOR #1
All right, here goes nothing.
She presses a button on the flight consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.
MEGAN #1/PETITE TOOTS #1
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
MEGAN #1
Wait for us to get into crash positions!
They both leap up onto the consul again and Megan hurriedly adjusts her safety belt again.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Angry.)
Look, Megan, fair’s fair you know!
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, she’s right. How come you get a seat belt and I have to just hold on?
MEGAN #1
Because Abrick bolted this seat belt onto the consul for me.
THE DOCTOR #1
For services rendered, no doubt.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Well, why didn’t he bolt one on for me too?
MEGAN #1
He never even met you, you undersized ogress.
THE DOCTOR #1
Lucky Abrick.
Doctor #1, and Megan #1 both laugh, while Petite Toots #1 glares at them both.
MOTOR CONTINUES TURNING OVER BADLY as they are talking, but soon starts SPLUTTERING, and finally GRINDS to a halt.
PETITE TOOTS #1
What’s wrong with it, Doctor?
MEGAN #1
Other than your driving?
THE DOCTOR #1
How dare you!
She starts tinkering with the controls and MOTOR TURNS OVER BADLY again for a moment before SPLUTTERING to a halt again.
THE DOCTOR #1
Damn them! The Time-Dorks have put in a default mechanism to stop me from cancelling their preset co-ordinates until we deal with the cyber-poofs.
MEGAN #1
Damn their meddling.
THE DOCTOR #1
Yeah, what right have they got to stop me from using my own Retardis whenever I like…
(Half a beat.)
I mean, why should I have to risk my life against the cyber-poofs, if I don’t want to?
PETITE TOOTS #1
Maybe because you grossly violated the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
Well accidents will happen you know.
MEGAN #1
That’s her excuse for everything.
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh well, I suppose we’ve got no choice now. We’ll have to risk our lives trying to defeat the cyber-poofs.
MEGAN #1
Well, you will, it’s got nothing to do with us.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, why should we risk our lives, just because you chose to grossly violated the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
You despicable little cowardesses! You mean to tell me you’d let me risk my life, without doing anything to help me?
PETITE TOOTS #1/MEGAN #1
Yes!
THE DOCTOR #1
Well, I guess that answers that question!
MEGAN #1
Yeah, it’s got nothing to do with me.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Shocked.)
Nothing to do…? It’s because I grossly violated the first rule of time to bring you back to life that we’re in this mess.
PETITE TOOTS #1
You’re in this mess, you mean.
MEGAN #1
Yeah, I didn’t ask you to you grossly violated the first rule of time to bring me back to life, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
You despicable cowardesses. Here I am going to risk my life to make this planet a safe place for cowards to live on, and you won’t even help me.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Why should we?
MEGAN #1
Yeah, you’re nothing to us.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Give us one good reason why we should risk our lives to help you?
THE DOCTOR #1
Because, you runt-sized retardo, if I’m killed who’ll fly the Retardis for you? You’ll both be stranded here, in a time when the cyber-poofs control the galaxy…
(Half a beat.)
And all its surrounding colonies.
MEGAN #1
Unless the other Doctor defeats the cyber-poofs.
THE DOCTOR #1
That carrot-topped cretin? But she’s hopeless!
PETITE TOOTS #1
Doctor, she’s you!
MEGAN #1
Exactly!
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up! That Titian-haired twitess doesn’t have half of my brainpower.
MEGAN #1
God help her then!
THE DOCTOR #1
How dare you! Now are you going to help me or not?
MEGAN #1
Okay, but I still don’t see why we have to risk our lives?
PETITE TOOTS #1
Just because you were irresponsible enough to grossly violate the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up about that already!
FADE OUT:
ACT TWO:
FADE IN:
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT
A woman, in a long purple gown, PRINCESS ASTRO, is walking down the corridor. She stops at a door, looks all about herself then reaches for the doorknob.
Princess Astro is mid twenties, short and blonde, and a rebel by nature, determined to bring down the Cyber-Poof regime at all costs.
INT. RECREATION ROOM — LIT — A NUMBER OF YOUNG
WOMEN DRESSED IN BRIGHT ORANGE, with bright orange hair, carrying guns and other weapons are looking at a wall-mounted map marked “CYBER POOF-COMMAND”.
The Kant members are disorganised bimbos, trying to fight the cyber-poofs, but desperately in need of intelligent leadership.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
We must attack tonight, under cover of darkness.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
No, at dawn, the cyber-poofs see better in the dark.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
No, dingle, that’s cats you’re thinking of.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Oh yeah, sorry about that!
DOORKNOB SQUEAKING as it starts to turn.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER (Whispering.)
A spy.
INT. RECREATION ROOM — LIT — AS BEFORE
They race across to stand by the wall near the door.
The door opens a small way and Princess Astro looks in.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Hello, is anyone…?
Orange-Kant Leader grabs her by the arm and drags her into the room, then slams the door again.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER (Shouting.)
So a spy!
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Yes, look at her clothing. She’s one of the Violet Kants!
ORANGE-KANT LEADER (Puzzled.)
You mean the Purple Kants?
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Oh, do I?
(Straight at camera.)
Is it Violet Kants or Purple Kants?
PAN OUT to include DIRECTOR and PRODUCER standing
together. Beside them is a Cameraman.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Did we agree on Violet Kants or Purple Kants?
DIRECTOR
Purple Kants. We decided violet sounded too lah-de-dah.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Oh yes, I remember now. Should we do that bit again, or just keep going?
PRODUCER
You’d better do it again.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Okay. Sorry about that.
PAN BACK IN so Director, Producer & Cameraman are O/S.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER (Shouting.)
So a spy!
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Yes, look at her clothing. She’s one of the Purple Kants!
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
I don’t care what colour her kant is, it’s her clothing I’m interested in.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Kants is the name of the four paramilitary all-girl groups fighting the cyber-poofs. There are the Orange Kants, the Purple Kants, the Red Kants, and the Green Kants.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
Oh yes, sorry about that. But Kants sounds so dirty to me.
DIRECTOR O/S (Shouting.)
Just get on with it!
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
Sorry about that.
(Shouting.)
So a spy!
PRINCESS ASTRO
Look we’ve already done that bit. Twice. Could we just get on with the damn script.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
Oh yes, all right then.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
If we must.
PRINCESS ASTRO
I am not a spy.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
Then why are you wearing purple?
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
She wears the colours of the Purple Kants.
PRINCESS ASTRO
I’m wearing the purple robes of state. I’m Princess Astro.
Orange-Kant Leader and Orange 2nd In Command both lean forward to peer at her closely.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Oh yes, so you are. Then what do you want?
PRINCESS ASTRO
I want to organise the Kant groups so we can overthrow the cyber-poofs and drive them from this planet.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
We’re already organised.
PRINCESS ASTRO
No you’re not. At the moment you’re more dangerous to each other than you are to the cyber-poofs.
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND (Shouting.)
Orange Kants are best!
PRINCESS ASTRO
See what I mean.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER
Yes, but then she always was a bit of a dingleberry.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE room.
PRINCESS ASTRO
I can’t stay long now, but I will return later tonight, around ten. Or a friend of mine will come in my place. He’s….
DOORKNOB SQUEAKING as it starts to turn.
ORANGE-KANT LEADER (Shouting.)
So a spy!
PRINCESS ASTRO
Shut up already about that!
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Scatter!
The orange Kants all dive for cover behind boxes etc., as Princess Astro walks across to the door.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE RECREATION ROOM — LIT
Five officers dressed in Gestapo-like uniforms are standing by the door: BRIGADIER Alexander Rightbridge-Stupid, a man in his sixties, tall, moustachioed; with an eye patch has a hand on the doorknob. Behind him stand: Private JAYNE GRUNT; CAPTAIN MIKE BATES; CORPORAL BENSON, and PRIVATE WILSON.
Jayne Grunt is early twenties, with long black hair, an airhead bimbo who ends up idolising the Doctor for her intelligence. Bates is in his thirties, a bit of a stiff military type, but more of a thinker than Benson or the Brigadier.
Corporal Benson is a competent military type, but no thinker. He is a little resentful of Captain Bates for his advancement but is less competent than Bates.
The Brigadier starts to turn the doorknob, when the door suddenly swings outwards, almost hitting him.
BRIGADIER (Jumping away in shock.)
What the…?
Princess Astro steps out into the corridor.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Following me again, Brigadier?
BRIGADIER
Just concerned for your safety, Princess Astro. What with all these dangerous Kants running about.
PRINCESS ASTRO
I would think you might be more concerned about the cyber-poofs ruling this planet.
BRIGADIER/BENSON/JAYNE GRUNT/BATES/WILSON
(Chanting a well-rehearsed spiel.)
The cyber-poofs are our friends; they mean us no harm.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Bah, you quislings.
BRIGADIER
How dare you! We are not quislings.
JAYNE GRUNT
No we may be underlings.
CAPTAIN BATES
We may be conspirators.
CORPORAL BENSON
We may be traitors.
PRIVATE WILSON
We may be turncoats.
BATES/JAYNE GRUNT/BATES/WILSON
But we’re not quislings.
BRIGADIER
Nonetheless, I don’t think you should walk about unescorted from now on Princess…
(Half a beat.)
Private Wilson.
PRIVATE WILSON (Saluting.)
Sir!
BRIGADIER
You are to escort Princess Astro wherever she goes from now on. Take care of her and protect her.
(Winking at Private Wilson.)
PRIVATE WILSON
Something wrong with your eye, sir?
BRIGADIER (Frustrated.)
No, no, dingle, take care of her and protect her.
(Winking at Wilson.)
PRIVATE WILSON
Oh I get you now, sir. Take care of her and protect her.
BRIGADIER
Exactly.
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — LIT — 2ND HOME GUARDSMAN
still leading along Doctor #2, Megan #2, and Petite Toots #2, until they finally reach the Retardis.
2ND HOME GUARDSMAN
Now be sure to go straight to Earth, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #2
Trust me.
2ND HOME GUARDSMAN
We’ve already laughed at that one, Doctor.
Doctor #2 and her companions walk into the Retardis.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR #2,
Megan #2, and Petite Toots #2 enter through doors, LHS of SHOT, and walk across to the consul.
Doctor #2 works some controls on the Retardis and OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.
After a few seconds motor STARTS SCREECHING, and smoke starts billowing from the consul.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Between coughs.)
Oh God, let’s get out of here.
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — LIT — HOME GUARDSMAN
still outside as Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, and Megan #2 run out of the Retardis coughing.
2ND HOME GUARDSMAN
Doctor, what’s wrong?
THE DOCTOR #2
My damn Retardis consul blew up.
PETITE TOOTS #2
I told you we should’ve had the oil changed the last time we were on Beta Centauri.
MEGAN #2
What can we do now?
PETITE TOOTS #2
Yeah we can’t let that other freckle-faced foetus-brain try and fix things on her own.
2ND HOME GUARDSMAN
Relax, we’ll just have to use the time-scoop.
(Reaching for handset at his belt.)
PETITE TOOTS #2
Oh great, can I have two scoops?
MEGAN #2
Make mine raspberry and chocolate.
PETITE TOOTS #2
What about vanilla and tutti-frutti?
MEGAN #2
Or blueberry and banana?
PETITE TOOTS #2
Or strawberry and chocolate-chip?
2ND HOME GUARDSMAN
Shut up idiots! The time-scoop does not refer to ice cream.
THE DOCTOR #2
Then I guess there’s no point in me asking for caramel and passion fruit?
MEGAN #2
Oy vay, just start the damn time-scoop!
2nd Home Guardsman presses a button on the handset and a gigantic ice-cream scoop sweeps down and picks up Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, and Megan #2, then tosses them high into the air.
Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2 & Megan #2 all scream.
They are only centimetres from the ceiling, when they suddenly vanish with a POP.
EXT. GRASSY BANK OF RIVER — DAY
LOUD POP then Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, and Megan #2 reappear a few feet off the ground and land heavily on their backsides.
Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2 & Megan #2 all scream.
THE DOCTOR #2
Oh damn!
MEGAN #2
You’re telling me.
(Rubbing her behind with both hands.)
THE DOCTOR #2
No, I just remembered we left KAY-SWINE in the Retardis.
MEGAN #2
Well, it’s too late now.
THE DOCTOR #2
Maybe, and maybe not, don’t forget she has built-in turbos.
She starts hunting through her giant cloth-bag till finding a silent dog whistle, which she starts to blow.
MEGAN #2
But surely Gallafart is too far for Kay-Swine to get here under her turbo-jets?
THE DOCTOR #2
We’ll soon find out.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — AS BEFORE
MEGAN #1
Well, if we’re going, let’s get going then.
THE DOCTOR #1
Hold on a minute, Megan.
The Doctor picks up a dog-whistle from the consul and blows it.
Petite Toots #1 covers her ears when Doctor #1 blows the whistle, but uncovers them when there is no sound.
PETITE TOOTS #1
It must be broken.
MEGAN #1
Either that or she breathed in and swallowed the pea.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up, dingleberries. This is a silent whistle.
PETITE TOOTS #1
A silent whistle?
MEGAN #1
Only deaf people can hear it.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Oh, I see.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Frustrated.)
It’s a dog-whistle.
MEGAN #1
That explains why you’ve got it.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up, dingle! You’re not exactly Miss Galaxy you know.
PETITE TOOTS #1
It depends on which galaxy you’re talking about…
(Half a beat.)
For all we know there could be a galaxy where they go for ugly women.
Doctor #1 blows the whistle again.
MEGAN #1
Don’t tell me you’ve got a dog aboard the Retardis? You’ve already had a giant ant aboard this thing, and a metallic pig. Don’t tell me you’ve got a dog too?
PETITE TOOTS #1
Why, are you afraid of the competition?
METALLIC RATTLING from the corridor RHS of SHOT.
They turn round as Kay-Swine rolls into the consul room, from the corridor. The Doctor blows the whistle again and Kay-Swine wheels over to her.
KAY-SWINE
Mistress? Please stop blowing that fuckin’ whistle. It’s giving me a headache.
THE DOCTOR #1
You are a headache, Kay-Swine.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Kay-Swine? The whistle is for Kay-Swine?
THE DOCTOR #1
Of course, I have to have some way to control her…
(Half a beat.)
Now if only I had some way to control you two fruit loops.
(Petite Toots #1 and Megan #1 stick their tongues out at her.)
This will give me an advantage over that despicable turd.
MEGAN #1
You mean the Cyber-Poof Leader?
THE DOCTOR #1
No, I mean that rusty-headed retardo.
MEGAN #1
But doesn’t she have a Kay-Swine too?
THE DOCTOR #1
Yes, but she’s too big a bimbo to think to use her.
MEGAN #1
Doctor, she’s you from twenty-five seconds in the past!
THE DOCTOR #1
She’s still a rusty-headed retardo!
MEGAN #1
Well, you should know.
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT
The Retardis is in one corner.
Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, Megan #1, and Kay-Swine #1 all exit the Retardis.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Pointing ahead of them.)
This way.
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — PRINCESS ASTRO
walking down corridor, followed by Private Wilson.
She turns to RHS of SHOT and raises her right hand to push open a door.
INT. MEDICAL ROOM — BETTER LIT
Three or four medical staff are moving about as they enter.
A youngish man, the CHIEF SURGEON looks round as door to LHS of SHOT opens and Princess Astro walks in, followed by Private Wilson.
CHIEF SURGEON
Ah, Princess Astro, just in time for your medical.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Yes, I’m just dying for it…
(Half a beat.)
Er, my medical that is.
He reaches for the curtain to an examination screen.
CHIEF SURGEON
Just step behind the examination screen, and I’ll give it to you…
(Half a beat.)
Er, your medical that is…
(Half a beat.)
Through every major hole.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Yes, I’m dying to have my medical…
(Half a beat.)
Through every major hole.
INT. MEDICAL ROOM, BEHIND SCREEN — LIT
PRINCESS ASTRO (Whispering.)
I must tell you about my first contact with the orange Kants.
CHIEF SURGEON
Oh stuff the Kants; let’s just screw.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Yes, all right.
INT. MEDICAL ROOM — LIT
STRIPPER MUSIC STARTS PLAYING then Princess Astro’s long purple gown appears hanging across the top of the screen.
A few seconds later Chief Surgeon’s white coat appears hanging across the top of the screen.
A few seconds later Princess Astro’s petticoat appears hanging across the top of the screen, followed a moment later by Chief Surgeon’s grey shirt.
A few seconds later Princess Astro’s bra appears hanging across the top of the screen, followed by Chief Surgeon’s trousers.
A few seconds later Princess Astro’s panties appears hanging across the top of the screen, followed by Chief Surgeon’s underpants.
CHIEF SURGEON O/S
Jesus, what beautiful big tits you have…
(Half a beat.)
Er, but that’s only a medical opinion, of course…
(Half a beat.)
Now let’s get down to it…
(Half a beat.)
Er, your medical that is.
PRINCESS ASTRO O/S
Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Er, I mean, yes that would be a good idea.
SPRINGS SQUEAKING as someone climbs onto a bed, then they start squeaking furiously.
PRINCESS ASTRO O/S (Shouting.)
Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Deeper my love! Deeper! Deeper! Shove it in deeper! I want every inch of your great big, beautiful cock inside me! Oh yes! Yes! Yes!
PRIVATE WILSON (Astonished.)
Princess Astro, is everything all right?
PRINCESS ASTRO O/S (Shouting.)
Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
PRIVATE WILSON
Very good then.
EXT. GRASSY BANK OF RIVER — DAY — AS BEFORE
Doctor #2 is still blowing the silent whistle, while Petite Toots #2, and Megan #2 watch her.
WINGS FLUTTERING, then something becomes visible on the horizon. Flying object rapidly approaches until they can see it is Kay-Swine.
She flutters down and lands on the bank beside them.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Well what’re you know, they really can fly!
THE DOCTOR #2
Okay, let’s start looking round for a boat to cross this river.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Oh God, can’t we have lunch first?
MEGAN #2
Yeah, we’re starving.
THE DOCTOR #2
Don’t worry, Kay-Swine can hunt up something.
PETITE TOOTS #2
But she’s a pig, not a hunting dog.
MEGAN #2
She’s still got a built-in laser-gun.
THE DOCTOR #2
Exactly…
(Half a beat.)
Kay-Swine, shoot down anything that flies past so we can eat it.
KAY-SWINE #2
Affirmative, Mistress.
Hearing FLUTTERING OVERHEAD, they look up as a flock of ducks fly past. Kay-Swine raises her head and opens her mouth slightly.
A small metallic barrel protrudes from her mouth and fires a pink beam.
SQUAWK as one of the ducks is hit.
The duck plummets down and plops onto the grass a few metres away.
MEGAN #2
One small duck? That’s not enough for three.
PETITE TOOTS #2
No way!
THE DOCTOR #2
Very well…
(Half a beat.)
Kay-Swine?
KAY-SWINE #2
Yes, Mistress?
THE DOCTOR #2
Shoot down the next thing that flies past.
KAY-SWINE #2
Affirmative, Mistress.
They all look up as a jumbo-jet passes directly over them with a DEAFENING ROAR. Kay-Swine raises her head and opens her mouth slightly.
The small metallic barrel protrudes from her mouth and fires a pink beam.
EXPLOSION in the rear section and the plane nose-dives into the side of a glass-and-chrome skyscraper on the other side of the river, and then falls to the ground amid screams and other EXPLOSIONS.
MEGAN #2 (Shouting.)
Kay-Swine, you great dingle!
PETITE TOOTS #2
Yeah, how are we supposed to eat a plane?
KAY-SWINE #2
You can eat the TV dinners aboard the plane.
THE DOCTOR #2
But it’s burning.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Good, I like my food well done.
KAY-SWINE #2
Only the rear section is burning, Mistress. The front section contains the TV dinners.
THE DOCTOR #2
Good work, Kay-Swine.
MEGAN #2
But how do we get across this river to the plane?
THE DOCTOR #2
We’ll have to hunt round the bank until we find a boat of some sort….
MEGAN #2 (Pale-faced.)
Doc, I’m afraid I’m not a very good sailor.
KAY-SWINE #2
Don’t worry, Mistress, I have a perfect cure for mal-de-mer.
MEGAN #2
Maybe so, but I don’t happen to be a mare.
PETITE TOOTS #2
With those udders, you look more like a cow.
THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up, dingle…!
(Half a beat.)
“Mal-de-mer” is the French name for seasickness. Okay, Kay-Swine, you come with me. Petite Toots and Megan, you go round the other way.
MEGAN #2
What if we don’t find anything?
THE DOCTOR #2
Then we’ll meet back here in an hour.
MEGAN #2
What if we do find something?
PETITE TOOTS #2
Then we’ll meet back here in hour-an-hour.
They set off with Doctor #2 and Kay-Swine #2 going RHS of SHOT; Petite Toots #2 and Megan #2 going LHS of SHOT.
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — THE DOCTOR #1
and her companions; all walking down the corridor.
Doctor #1 suddenly stops and starts looking around. The others keep going for a moment, till realising she has stopped.
MEGAN #1 (Walking back to Doctor #1.)
Why have you stopped, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
I have to find my bearings.
She continues to look about for a moment, then bends down and picks up half-a-dozen large, metal ball bearings.
THE DOCTOR #1
Ah, here they are.
Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 exchange a puzzled look.
PETITE TOOTS #1
I told you she was a few bearings short.
MEGAN #1
Not to mention marbles.
KAY-SWINE #1
Affirmative, Mistress.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up you sarky cows, and just follow me.
She turns and storms off down the corridor.
After a moment the others start after her.
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER
Doctor #1 and the others arrive at a T-junction. Doctor #1 looks about for a moment.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Pointing down RH corridor.)
This way.
MEGAN #1
How do you know?
THE DOCTOR #1
The other passage has a layer of dust. So clearly no one’s been down there in years.
PETITE TOOTS #1
So you got a merit badge for tracking as a kid.
THE DOCTOR #1
And you got one for being a sarky little cow!
PETITE TOOTS #1
Hey…!
(Half a beat.)
I didn’t know they gave out merit badges for that? Those thieving bastards, they owe me at least a dozen…!
(Half a beat.)
Hey wait a minute, you were being sarky, weren’t you, you redheaded repo?
MEGAN #1
Come on you little reject from the Loony Tunes, we don’t have time for games.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Puzzled.)
So I guess the Chinese checkers are out…
(Half a beat.)
Damn!
She throws down a box of Chinese checkers, spilling coloured marbles across the floor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up and follow me.
Doctor #1 starts down the corridor.
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER
Doctor #1 and the others come to what looks like an elevator at the end of the corridor.
MEGAN #1
A lift, thank God my feet are killing me.
KAY-SWINE #1
Negative, Mistress, this is a transmit terminal.
MEGAN #1
Oh no, not another one!
PETITE TOOTS #1
You said it! The last time we went through one of these things we landed on our heads!
THE DOCTOR #1
Quiet dingles, while I see if I can operate the controls.
Doctor #1 steps toward the transmit terminal. She fiddles with the controls for a few seconds while the others look on.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Stepping back.)
It ought to be safe to step inside now.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Are you sure?
MEGAN #1
Yeah, you don’t exactly have a good record with these things, Doc.
THE DOCTOR #1
Of course I’m sure. Have you ever known me to get it wrong before?
Petite Toots #1 and Megan #1 both look down at their feet, refusing to make eye contact with Doctor #1.
RUSTY CREAKING as Kay-Swine #1 looks down at floor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Well, answer me, dammit…!
(Half a beat.)
Well, at least look at me!
Reluctantly they all look up at her.
THE DOCTOR #1
All right, all right, I confess. I admit it. I am the universe’s greatest living cock-up artist! And I get it wrong all the time! But on this particular occasion I actually know what I’m doing.
Petite Toots #1 and Megan #1 exchange a puzzled look.
PETITE TOOTS #1
What’re you think?
MEGAN #1
Well, they say there’s a first time for everything.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Okay, we’ll trust you, Doctor.
MEGAN #1
But this time you have to get into it with us. We’re not being your guinea pigs again.
THE DOCTOR #1
Dammit!
(Waving an arm toward terminal.)
After you, Kay-Swine.
KAY-SWINE #1
Negative, Mistress.
THE DOCTOR #1
Cowardly metallic bitch!
Reluctantly she steps forward into the transmit terminal. Her image starts to shimmer for a moment, and then she vanishes.
Petite Toots #1 and Megan #1 exchange a worried look.
MEGAN #1
Oh well, here goes nothing.
Megan #1, Petite Toots #1, and Kay-Swine #1 all go into the terminal. The images of Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 start to shimmer and they both vanish, leaving Kay-Swine #1 in the transmit terminal.
INT. MEDICAL ROOM — LIT — AS BEFORE
Private Wilson standing watching screen, upon which is draped clothing, and from behind which comes sounds of SPRINGS SQUEAKING and Princess Astro SHRIEKING.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Yeeeeeeeeeees!
CHIEF SURGEON (Shrieking.)
So gooooooooood!
BODIES SLUMPING, then HEAVY PANTING FOR A MOMENT.
FEET LANDING ON FLOOR, then APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.
Hands reach up to top of screen then the panties and underpants vanish from the top of the screen, then SOUND OF THEM BEING PUT ON.
The bra and shirt are pulled off the top of the screen, then SOUND OF THEM BEING PUT ON.
The trousers and the petticoat are pulled off the top of the screen, then SOUND OF THEM BEING PUT ON.
Finally the doctor’s coat and long purple gown are both pulled off the top of the screen, then SOUND OF THEM BEING PUT ON.
The screen is pulled open and Princess Astro and Chief Surgeon step out.
Princess Astro is dressed as a doctor, and Chief Surgeon is wearing the long purple gown.
Private Wilson looks astonished.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Is anything wrong, Private Wilson?
When Private Wilson does not answer Princess Astro and Chief Surgeon look down at themselves and see what they’re wearing.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Oh my God!
Princess Astro and Chief Surgeon turn and race back behind the screen.
STRIPPER MUSIC STARTS PLAYING very quickly, as Princess Astro’s long purple gown appears hanging across the top of the screen on the RHS followed rapidly by her petticoat, bra, then panties.
Chief Surgeon’s white coat appears hanging across the top of the screen, on the LHS, followed rapidly by his shirt, trousers, then underpants.
Hands reach up to top of screen then the panties and underpants vanish from top of screen and are hurriedly put on.
Then the bra and shirt vanish from top of screen and are hurriedly put on.
Then the trousers and the petticoat are pulled off the top of the screen, and are hurriedly put on. Finally the doctor’s coat and long purple gown are both pulled off the top of the screen, and are hurriedly put on.
The screen is pulled open and Princess Astro and Chief Surgeon step out.
Princess Astro and Chief Surgeon are now dressed in their own clothing but with their underwear on top of their outer garments.
Seeing Private Wilson staring Princess Astro and Chief Surgeon look down at themselves and see what they’re wearing.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Oh, Jesus!
Princess Astro and Chief Surgeon turn and race back behind the screen.
STRIPPER MUSIC STARTS PLAYING very quickly, as Princess Astro’s bra appears hanging across the top of the screen on the RHS followed rapidly by her panties, long purple gown, then petticoat.
Chief Surgeon’s underpants appear hanging across the top of the screen, on the LHS, followed rapidly by his white coat, shirt, then trousers.
Hands reach up to top of screen then the panties and underpants vanish from top of screen and are hurriedly put on. The bra and shirt vanish from top of screen and are hurriedly put on.
Then the trousers and the petticoat are pulled off the top of the screen, and are hurriedly put on. Finally the doctor’s coat and long purple gown are both pulled off the top of the screen, and hurriedly put on.
The screen is pulled open and Princess Astro and Chief Surgeon step out and look down over themselves to check that they are finally dressed properly.
CHIEF SURGEON
Third time lucky.
INT. CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — 2ND TRANSMIT TERMINAL
Doctor #1 is standing before a transmit terminal pointing in the opposite direction to the first terminal.
After a moment the images of Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 start to appear in the transmit terminal. Their images flicker in and out of clarity a couple of times, then finally solidify.
THE DOCTOR #1
Okay, let’s keep going.
She starts to stride off down the corridor.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Hey, what happened to Kay-Swine?
MEGAN #1
Yes, Doctor, Kay-Swine didn’t come through the transmit terminal with us.
THE DOCTOR #1
Of course, I should have thought of that. Some t-mit terminals are set-up to only transfer flesh and blood beings, not machines.
MEGAN #1
Then how come our watches came through with us then?
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, aren’t they machines?
THE DOCTOR #1
Yes, but you’re wearing them, dingle, so they came through with you.
MEGAN #1
Then what’ll we do about Kay-Swine?
THE DOCTOR #1
Just wait here, while I go back for her. I’ll just have to carry her through it.
Doctor #1 steps back into the transmit terminal. Her image starts to shimmer and finally vanishes.
INT. CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — 1ST TRANSMIT TERMINAL
Kay-Swine #1 is still in the first transmit terminal when Doctor #1’s image starts to fade in then slowly solidifies.
THE DOCTOR #1
Sorry Kay-Swine, but I’ll have to carry you.
KAY-SWINE #1
Affirmative, Mistress.
Doctor #1 bends down and picks up Kay-Swine #1 with some difficulty.
THE DOCTOR #1
God, Kay-Swine, you ought to go on a diet.
KAY-SWINE #1
Negative, Mistress, you ought to build up your muscles a bit.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up you micro-chip-laden moron.
Kay-Swine sticks out a metallic tongue and waves it round, making a loud BLURTING noise.
KAY-SWINE #1
And you, Mistress.
After a moment the image of Doctor #1 starts to shimmer and she vanishes, leaving Kay-Swine #1 in the transmit terminal.
Kay-Swine #1 CRASHES back to the floor of the transmit terminal.
INT. CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — 2ND TRANSMIT TERMINAL
Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 are waiting by terminal.
After a moment the image of Doctor #1 starts to appear in the transmit terminal. Her image flickers in and out of clarity a couple of times, then finally solidifies.
Doctor #1 steps out of transmit terminal and strides straight past Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1.
THE DOCTOR #1
Come on girls, no time to waste.
MEGAN #1
Doctor? What happened?
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, and where’s Kay-Swine? You were supposed to be carrying her.
Doctor #1 keeps striding down the corridor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Don’t worry about her now. We’ll sweep up the pieces on the way back.
Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 exchange a puzzled look, then start running after Doctor #1.
MEGAN #1/PETITE TOOTS #1
What’re you mean, “We’ll sweep up the pieces on the way back”?
THE DOCTOR #1
I guess I was wrong about being able to carry her through the transmit terminal.
Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 exchange a puzzled look, then understanding dawns in their eyes.
MEGAN #1
You clumsy cow, you dropped her, didn’t you!
THE DOCTOR #1
Look, it wasn’t my fault, all right.
PETITE TOOTS #1
You blood-red-headed bog-brain!
THE DOCTOR #1
Accidents will happen you know.
She keeps striding down the corridor, with Petite Toots #1 and Megan #1 not far behind her.
MEGAN #1
That’s her feeble excuse for everything.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, the clumsy cow!
MEGAN #1
You really don’t have a clue what you’re doing, do you, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
Maybe not but, as the cyber-poofs are about to find out, I’m never more dangerous than when I don’t know what I’m doing.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Which means she’s dangerous all the time.
MEGAN #1
But mainly to herself!
EXT. GRASSY BANK OF RIVER — DAY
Megan #2 and Petite Toots #2 are looking about for Doctor #2.
MEGAN #2 (Looking at her wristwatch.)
Where can those two dingles be? It’s well over an hour.
FLUTTERING from not far away.
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Pointing up at sky.)
Here comes Kay-Swine.
Kay-Swine #2 flies up to them and lands on the bank.
MEGAN #2
What happened to the Doctor?
HUFFING and PUFFING and RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, then Doctor #2 runs into SHOT from RHS.
KAY-SWINE #2
Here she comes now, Mistress…
(Half a beat.)
Beat you, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #2
Smart, metallic bitch!
PETITE TOOTS #2
No boats on our side, Doc, any luck with you?
THE DOCTOR #2
No luck.
MEGAN #2
Then how are we gonna get across this water?
PETITE TOOTS #2
If it is water. It looks pretty murky.
THE DOCTOR #2
Of course it’s water, what else would it be?
MEGAN #2
Acidic sludge, poisonous chemicals….
Doctor #2 kneels and reaches out with one hand to lift out a handful of water, which she raises to her mouth to taste.
PETITE TOOTS #2
What’s the verdict, Doc?
THE DOCTOR #2 (Spitting it out.)
Water. You know H2O. Two parts Hydrogen to one part Oxygen.
MEGAN #2 (In disbelief.)
Water?
THE DOCTOR #2
Oh God, how simplistic do I have to make this?
(Considering a moment.)
Wet stuff, falls out of the sky.
(Making motion of falling drops with her fingers.)
Fish swim in it.
(Making motion of a swimming fish with her hands.)
In oceans with salt. In rivers without salt.
(Considering a moment.)
People bath in it.
(Making motions as though scrubbing her back.)
And shower in it.
(Making motions as though soaping herself up.)
And drink it.
(Making motions of drinking.)
It is stored in big dams.
(She cups her arms to suggest a large reservoir.)
And comes out of taps.
(Making motions of a tap being turned on with her hands.)
Elephants splash it up over themselves with their trunks.
(Making motions of an elephant splashing water with her arms.)
MEGAN #2
All right already! I know what water is! I’m not a total knuckle-head, you know!
Doctor #2 and Petite Toots #2 exchange a guilty look.
PETITE TOOTS #2
You’re not?
Megan #2 glares at Petite Toots #2.
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Hurriedly.)
I mean you’re not; you’re certainly not.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Unconvincingly.)
No, you certainly are not.
MEGAN #2
Oh shut up! I’ve heard politicians who sounded more sincere than you two.
PETITE TOOTS #2
So how are we going to get across the river, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #2
We’ll have to swim across, of course.
MEGAN #2
Er, um, is this a good time to mention my manic fear of water?
THE DOCTOR #2
No, it’s not.
MEGAN #2
Well, in that case forget I ever mentioned it.
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Pointing at Doctor #2’s cloth-bag.)
I don’t suppose you’d have a speed boat in your carpet-bag, Doctor?
MEGAN #2
Don’t be a dingleberry.
THE DOCTOR #2
Hang on a sec, I’ll check.
(She starts taking various odds and sods out of her bag.)
Nope, no speed boat…
(Half a beat.)
Kay-Swine, fly across to the other side and wait for us.
Still fully clothed, they start to wade into the water as Kay-Swine #2 takes off with a sound like a MODEL PLANE IN FLIGHT.
EXT. GRASSY BANK OF RIVER — DAY — AS BEFORE
MEGAN #2
Oh God!
THE DOCTOR #2 (Looking back to Megan #2.)
Don’t be afraid, Megan…
(Half a beat.)
Just remember the old saying, “You have nothing to fear, but fear itself”.
MEGAN #2
Yes, I know. That’s called phobophobia, and I suffer from that too.
PETITE TOOTS #2
What’s called “phobophobia”?
MEGAN #2
The fear of fear itself.
THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up and jump in damn it.
Megan leaps forward and starts splashing wildly and kicking her feet.
MEGAN #2
Oh God, oh God, help me. Someone please help me, I’m drowning! I’m drowning!
Doctor #2 and Petite Toots #2 both stand up to show the water only comes up to Doctor #2’s knees.
THE DOCTOR #2
For God’s sake, Megan, stand up and stop acting like a baby.
Megan #2 stands up, looking very embarrassed.
MEGAN #2
Sorry, Doctor, but I did warn you.
THE DOCTOR #2
Oy vay!
PETITE TOOTS #2
That goes double for me. Oy vay! Oy vay!
INT. MEDICAL ROOM — LIT
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE, then the door is pushed open, and the Brigadier, Jayne Grunt, Corporal Benson, and Capt. Bates enter and stare in amazement at Princess Astro.
BRIGADIER
Private Wilson!
PRIVATE WILSON (Saluting.)
Sir!
BRIGADIER
I thought I told you to take care of Princess Astro?
(Winking at Wilson.)
PRIVATE WILSON
I am taking care of her, but she’s just had her latest medical.
BRIGADIER
Medical? Is that what they’re calling it now? It used to be called bonking.
CORPORAL BENSON
Or fucking! Or screwing!
CAPTAIN BATES
Pulling a bird, or making friction.
JAYNE GRUNT
Putting out, or horizontal dancing.
CORPORAL BENSON
Making out, or threading the eye of the golden needle.
ALARMS START BLARING and a light over the door starts flashing.
RUNNING FEET outside, then CYBER POOF-LEADER, a humanoid being in a bright pink, metallic-like costume, wearing what looks like a teapot on his head, enters.
BRIGADIER
Cyber Poof-Leader, what is wrong?
JAYNE GRUNT (Rubbing at her forehead with a hand.)
Well, for one thing those damned alarms are giving me a splitting headache.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Sorry.
(He presses a button on his belt & the alarms stop.)
Someone has gained entrance to Cyber Poof-Command by way of the transmit terminal…
(Half a beat.)
Brigadier, send your two best men to capture them.
BRIGADIER (Puzzled.)
My two best men?
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Two men who are dependable and get the job done in a crisis.
BRIGADIER (Considering a moment.)
Hmmm, I don’t really have anyone like that Cyber Poof-Leader. Most of my men are wankers.
BATES/BENSON/WILSON (Indignant.)
Hey!
Jayne Grunt GIGGLES, then covers her mouth with one hand.
JAYNE GRUNT
They certainly are.
BRIGADIER
Except for Miss Grunt here.
JAYNE GRUNT (Proud.)
Thank you, sir.
BRIGADIER
She hasn’t got anything to wank. So she uses a massive eleven-inch dildo to bring herself to completion on.
JAYNE GRUNT
Hey, how dare you!
CAPTAIN BATES
Yes, she only uses the massive eleven-inch dildo, when there are no cucumbers or carrots available.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
For God’s sake send someone before they escape.
BRIGADIER
Yes, Cyber Poof-Leader.
(Clicking his heels to attention.)
Private Wilson! Take care of Princess Astro!
(Winking at Wilson.)
BRIGADIER
The rest of you come with me.
The Brigadier, Jayne Grunt, Bates, and Benson race out through the doorway.
EXT. GRASSY BANK OF RIVER — DAY — THE OTHER SIDE
Doctor #2, Megan #2, and Petite Toots #2 are all sitting on the bank eating TV dinners, the burning plane is a few hundred metres away.
MEGAN #2
These TV dinners aren’t half bad.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Yeah, good idea, Kay-Swine.
KAY-SWINE #2
Thank you, Mistress and Petite Mistress.
PETITE TOOTS #2
What happened to this?
(Pointing at skyscraper.)
THE DOCTOR #2
Possibly it was abandoned in a war against the cyber-poofs.
MEGAN #2
Then you don’t think it’ll be inhabited?
THE DOCTOR #2
Possibly by old-age pensioners, old winos, and those who can’t afford better accommodation. But no-one else.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Should we check it out inside?
THE DOCTOR #2
No, we don’t have time, we have to keep going.
KAY-SWINE #2
Negative, Mistress, we are surrounded.
PETITE TOOTS #2/MEGAN #2/THE DOCTOR #2
What?
They leap to their feet as a dozen young women dressed in bright green clothing with green hair and carrying machine-guns circle them.
THE DOCTOR #2
Kay-Swine, zap the green turdesses.
KAY-SWINE #2
Affirmative, Mistress
Kay-Swine raises her head and opens her mouth slightly.
Her small metallic barrel protrudes from her mouth and fires a pink beam.
With Megan #2, Petite Toots #2 and Doctor #2 careful to stay behind her, Kay-Swine #2 hurriedly shoots each of the Green Kants, who scream and fall to the ground.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Oh my God, Kay-Swine, you’ve killed them.
KAY-SWINE #2
Negative, Petite Mistress. I have merely stunned them. Stun-Force Seven.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Puzzled.)
But I thought Stun-Force Five and higher was lethal?
KAY-SWINE #2
Whoops, sorry Mistress, my mistake.
MEGAN #2
You great dingle, Kay-Swine!
SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS, then half-a-dozen cyber-poofs appear from around both sides of the glass tower.
THE DOCTOR #2
Oh my God, cyber-poofs. Will your stun-laser kill them, Kay-Swine?
KAY-SWINE #2
On Stun-Force twelve. But I only have enough power to fire two or three times at Stun-Force twelve.
THE DOCTOR #2
Well just try to slow them down.
(Starting to hunt through cloth bag.)
While I see if I can open the security doors with my psychic-screwdriver.
She starts pulling things out of her bag: half-a-dozen deck chairs, a yo-yo, an inflated beach ball, a boomerang, a full length mirror, and other things.
MEGAN #2
I knew it! I knew this chick was Mary Poppins in disguise!
In b/g Kay-Swine #2 starts stunning cyber-poofs, who recoil from her stun ray, but don’t fall over.
THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up, don’t distract me!
Finally Doctor #2 pulls out her psychic-screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR #2
Right, follow me.
Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, and Megan #2 race across to the glass doors of the sky-scraper.
Doctor #2 hurriedly adjusts the psychic-screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR #2
Right, here we go.
She aims the psychic-screwdriver at the electronic lock, which HUMS for a few moments, and then the doors open with a WHOOSH.
THE DOCTOR #2
Right, everybody inside.
INT. FOYER OF SKYSCRAPER — LIT — THE DOCTOR #2,
Petite Toots #2, and Megan #2 race in through the doors, followed by Kay-Swine #2.
Doctor #2 uses the psychic-screwdriver to slam the doors shut again, almost hitting one of the cyber-poofs, who starts hammering on the glass with both fists.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Can he get in?
KAY-SWINE #2
Negative, Petite Mistress, these buildings have hardened poly-glass doors.
MEGAN #2
What’ll we do now?
KAY-SWINE #2
Imperative that I recharge my batteries.
THE DOCTOR #2
All right, we’ll have to leave you here to do that. Then you try to find us in Cyber-Poof Command centre.
KAY-SWINE #2
Affirmative, Mistress.
Kay-Swine follows Doctor #2 over to a wall near the elevators, where they stop.
Doctor #2 opens a section in the side of Kay-Swine #2 and pulls out a power-cord. She plugs the cord into a floor-height power-point and flicks the switch.
THE DOCTOR #2
That ought to do it.
(Looking at Megan #2 & Petite Toots #2.)
Now lets see how we can get out of here without running into the cyber-poofs.
MEGAN #2
Hopefully we can find some weapons too.
PETITE TOOTS #2
I don’t suppose you’d have a Gattling-gun in your carpet bag, Doc?
THE DOCTOR #2
Hang on, I’ll check.
She starts pulling things out of her cloth bag.
INT. LONG CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — T-JUNCTION.
Doctor #1, Megan #1, and Petite Toots #1 walking down corridor.
MEGAN #1
Which way now, Doctor?
Doctor #1 looks about herself for a moment.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Pointing straight ahead.)
This way!
She walks forward and crashes head-first into the wall and staggers backwards, clutching her nose.
Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 also walk forward, crash head-first into the wall and stagger backwards, clutching their noses.
THE DOCTOR #1 (In squeaky voice.)
This way.
She points down LH corridor, and starts walking down that way.
Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 watch her for a moment, before finally starting after her.
MEGAN #1 (In squeaky voice.)
Hopeless, this chick is just hopeless.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up Mini Mouse, and follow me.
INT. CORRIDOR — DIM-LIT — CROSS-JUNCTION.
After a few seconds Doctor #1, Megan #1, and Petite Toots #1 walk into SHOT from RHSRHS.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Which way now, Doc?
THE DOCTOR #1 (Considering a moment.)
I think we’ll go this way.
(Pointing directly ahead.)
BRIGADIER O/S
Wrong choice, Doctor.
They spin round and see the Brigadier, Jayne Grunt and two cyber-poofs standing behind them.
THE DOCTOR #1
My old friend Brigadier Alexander Rightbridge-Stupid.
PETITE TOOTS #1
If he’s your old friend, why is he pointing a gun at us?
MEGAN #1
And why does he have two cyber-poofs with him.
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh no, Brigadier, you’ve become a quisling to the cyber-poofs in this reality!
BRIGADIER (Indignant.)
No, no, Doctor, I am not a quisling.
JAYNE GRUNT
No we’re underlings.
CYBER POOF-#1
Conspirators.
CYBER POOF-#2
Traitors.
JAYNE GRUNT
Turncoats.
BRIGADIER
Shut up! Don’t start all that again!
JAYNE GRUNT (Sulky.)
Why don’t you shut up!
One of the cyber-poofs takes a pink hanky out of a pocket and starts dabbing at his eyes with it.
MEGAN #1
Oh God, Doctor, what do we do now?
THE DOCTOR #1 (Shouting.)
Chicken out!
She spins round and starts running in the opposite direction.
After a second Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 follow. However, they only take a few steps before running into three more cyber-poofs.
MEGAN #1
I told you she was hopeless.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, we would’ve been better off trying to walk through the wall than following her directions.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up, you ungrateful turdesses!
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Looking about herself.)
Hey wait a minute. There might be lots of them, but they’ve only got one gun between them.
(Pointing at Brigadier’s gun.)
MEGAN #1
So what?
PETITE TOOTS #1
So what could he do if we all ran off in different directions?
BRIGADIER (Pointing gun at Doctor #1.)
Then I would shoot the Doctor!
PETITE TOOTS #1/MEGAN #1 (Shouting.)
Go!
Megan #1 takes off down the corridor to the left; Petite Toots #1 down the corridor to the right as fast as they can.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Shouting.)
Come back here, you despicable little cowardesses!
MEGAN #1 O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
STRUGGLE, then APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.
Two cyber-poofs come into sight down left-hand corridor, carrying Megan #1 between them.
PETITE TOOTS #1 O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
STRUGGLE, then APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.
Two cyber-poofs come into sight down right-hand corridor, carrying Petite Toots #1 between them.
THE DOCTOR #1
Don’t expect any sympathy from me, you little cowardesses!
BRIGADIER (Pointing back the way they came.)
This way, Doctor. The Cyber Poof-Leader wishes to meet you.
THE DOCTOR #1
Well, my social calendar is pretty full at the moment.
(Brigadier points gun at her.)
But I guess for someone as important as the Cyber Poof-Leader, I can clear a space in my busy schedule.
Doctor #1 and the others turn and start back down the corridor.
INT. FOYER OF SKYSCRAPER — LIT — THE DOCTOR #2
is still hunting through her large cloth bag.
In front of them are a surf board, ice skates, deck chairs, inflated plastic beach toys, a card table, plus various other odds and sods she has pulled out of her handbag.
Finally she pulls out a crossbow and some mountaineering gear. Including great lengths of rope.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Holding up rope & crossbow.)
I wonder if we could use these to fire a line across to the next building, then slide across and escape the cyber-poofs.
MEGAN #2 (Gulping deeply.)
Is this a good time to remind you of my manic fear of heights, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #2
No, it isn’t!
MEGAN #2
In that case forget I ever mentioned it.
THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up, and follow me.
She walks over to the elevator and presses a button.
THE DOCTOR #2
Kay-Swine will you be much longer?
KAY-SWINE #2
My batteries were almost drained. It will take another two hours at least to fully recharge them.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Oh God, we can’t wait that long.
MEGAN #2 (Gulping deeply again.)
I’ll wait with her, if you like.
THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up you despicable cowardess; you’re coming with us. Kay-Swine, do your best to catch us up when you’re fully recharged.
KAY-SWINE #2
Affirmative, Mistress.
CHING as elevator doors open.
Megan #2, Petite Toots #2, and Doctor #2 enter the elevator.
INT. ELEVATOR BAY, SIXTH FLOOR — LIT — MEGAN #2,
Petite Toots #2, and Doctor #2 step out of elevator.
THE DOCTOR #2
This ought to be high enough to be out of reach of their Cyber-Poof guns.
They walk across and try the doorknob of one room.
INT. LIVING ROOM — LIT
HUMMING from outside, then the door bursts open inwards.
Doctor #2 enters holding her psychic-screwdriver, followed by Megan #2, and Petite Toots #2.
They walk through the room to the wide windows.
Doctor #2 tries opening the windows, then aims her psychic-screwdriver at the window lock.
THE DOCTOR #2
Don’t worry, I’ll soon have this open.
MEGAN #2
That’s what I’m afraid of.
THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up, you pox coward!
PETITE TOOTS #2
Yeah, this is all your fault.
MEGAN #2
My fault! How is it my fault?
PETITE TOOTS #2
If you’d just let us stayzer you to death again, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.
MEGAN #2
You bitch!
THE DOCTOR #2 (Frustrated.)
Don’t worry; I’ll slide across first, to show you that it’s safe.
PETITE TOOTS #2
What do we do if you fall to your death, Doctor?
The Doctor turns and glares at Petite Toots #2.
EXT. AERIAL SHOT UP SIDE OF SKYSCRAPER — DAY
Stop at 6th floor where Doctor #2 and Megan #2 are looking out through the wide open window.
MEGAN #2
How about if I go and surrender to the cyber-poofs while you continue with this plan?
THE DOCTOR #2
Don’t be daft, the cyber-poofs don’t take captives.
MEGAN #2
Anything would be better than this.
THE DOCTOR #2
Relax, Megan, have I ever got you into serious danger?
(Megan #2 opens her mouth to speak.)
Shut up! On second thoughts, don’t answer that!
Doctor #2 lifts up the crossbow, which already has the nylon rope attached to an arrow.
THE DOCTOR #2
Don’t worry, this won’t take long.
MEGAN #2
Take as long as you like, Doctor.
Doctor #2 leans forward and fires the crossbow toward the next building a good fifty metres away.
EXT. OUTSIDE SKYSCRAPER, 6TH FLOOR — DAY — TEN
MINUTES LATER — THE DOCTOR #2 & MEGAN #2 still looking out open window, where a nylon rope now extends from their building to the next sky-scraper, where the arrow has embedded just above the window on the fifth floor.
THE DOCTOR #2
I’ve aimed it one level lower, so we should have no trouble sliding down and across to the next building.
MEGAN #2
But how do we get inside the building, the windows are all shut?
THE DOCTOR #2
That’s why I’ve aimed above the window. Hanging below the rope we can slide feet-first straight through the window.
MEGAN #2
I really don’t think I can do this, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #2
Of course you can, just do exactly what I do.
Doctor #2 lifts up a small rope that has two handles attached to it. She places the small rope on top of the nylon rope, takes one handle into each hand, and leaps out into space.
THE DOCTOR #2
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She swings across the rope, kicking her legs wildly as she goes.
THE DOCTOR #2
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Her legs SMASH through the opposite window and she releases the handholds and rockets into the apartment.
LOUD WOODEN THUMP as Doctor #2 hits the floor.
CRASHING and BUMPING, then a second HOLLOWER WOODEN THUMP, then silence.
MEGAN #2 (Puzzled.)
Okay, Doctor, you’re the boss!
Megan #2 lifts up a small rope which has two handles attached to it. She places the small rope on top of the nylon rope, takes one handle into each hand, and leaps out into space.
MEGAN #2
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She swings across the rope, kicking her legs wildly as she goes.
MEGAN #2
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
As her legs slide through the opposite window she releases the handholds and rockets into the apartment.
LOUD WOODEN THUMP as Megan #2 hits the floor.
CRASHING and BUMPING, then a second HOLLOWER WOODEN THUMP, then silence.
INT. BEDROOM INSIDE SKYSCRAPER — DAY
Doctor #2 and Megan #2 are both lying on their backs with their legs up against a double-door wardrobe.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Frustrated.)
Dingle! When I said to do exactly what I do, you didn’t have to take me quite so literally!
They both swivel round to a sitting position.
MEGAN #2
Oh thank you God! I made it, I made it!
She leans down and kisses the floor, then hurriedly spits the dirt out and rubs at her mouth with one arm.
THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up, I’ve got to help Petite Toots inside.
They climb to their feet and walk across to the window.
MEGAN #2 (Sniffing the air.)
What’s that aroma, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #2 (Sniffing.)
Corned-beef and cabbage by the smell.
MEGAN #2
I thought you said no one would live here?
THE DOCTOR #2
Maybe the elderly and unemployed who can’t afford anything better. Now stop distracting me, I have to be ready to help Petite Toots inside the window.
EXT. AERIAL SHOT UP SIDE OF SKYSCRAPER — DAY
to 5th floor where Doctor #2 and Megan #2 are looking out through the wide open window.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Puzzled.)
What the hell can have happened to that microscopic American maiden?
MEGAN #2
She must be still in the other building.
THE DOCTOR #2
Unless the cyber-poofs broke in and have captured her.
MEGAN #2
Oh my God, what can we do?
THE DOCTOR #2 (Reaching up for rope.)
I’ll have to try to climb back across the rope to help her.
MEGAN #2 (Horrified.)
Doctor, the rope slides up to the other building!
THE DOCTOR #2
I know, but I can’t just abandon the little twirpess. I’ll have to try to get back somehow. If I fall, you’ll have to wade back across the river and rely on the time-scoop to collect you again.
PETITE TOOTS #2 O/S (From behind them.)
Hey dingles, watcha doing?
THE DOCTOR #2
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Doctor #2 almost falls out the window, but Megan #2 grabs her by the hips and pulls her back to safety.
INT. BEDROOM IN SKYSCRAPER — LIT — THE DOCTOR #2,
and Megan #2 leaning out the bedroom window.
They spin round to see Petite Toots #2 standing in the bedroom behind them.
MEGAN #2 (Puzzled.)
How the hell…?
THE DOCTOR #2 (Astonished.)
How did you get over here without sliding across from the other skyscraper?
PETITE TOOTS #2
While you two pox idiots were risking life and limb, playing Bird-brain and Robin to get over here, I decided to go down to the basement of the other building to see if there were any safer ways to get across…
(Half a beat.)
I found a trapdoor in the basement, with an escalator leading down about twenty yards. At the bottom of which was a tunnel connecting to this building. So I took the moving walk-way over here.
(Pointing behind her.)
Then I took the elevator up to this level, almost beating you up here.
MEGAN #2
Well, why the hell didn’t you go back to where we were to tell us if you’d found a safer way across?
PETITE TOOTS #2
Basically I couldn’t be bothered going to all that trouble. I mean who are you two nerdesses to me anyway?
(They both glare at her.)
Besides I figured why spoil your fun if you bozos were so intent upon risking life and limb to do it the dopey way.
THE DOCTOR #2
But we both might have been killed.
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Puzzled.)
What’s your point exactly, Doctor? I mean, let’s face it, so what if you two got killed? Then with Megan dead again, the cyber-poof empire would collapse and I’d be off the hook with the Time-Dorks.
MEGAN #2
You selfish little cow! I’m gonna have to kill you!
THE DOCTOR #2
Okay, but not now. Wait till after we take care of the cyber-poofs, then I’ll help you kill her…
(Half a beat.)
But for now, let’s take the lift back down to ground level.
She takes off toward the bedroom door, which is wide open.
After a few seconds Petite Toots #2 and Megan #2 set off after her.
INT. CYBER-POOF COMMAND — LIT — CYBER POOF-LEADER is seated at a large pipe-organ playing god-awfully.
Two cyber-poofs standing behind him are cringing.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Soon all the universe will hear my Requiem of Continuing Domination.
CYBER POOF-#3
Oh God, wouldn’t it be more merciful just to blow-up the universe.
Cyber Poof-Leader stops playing and looks back to glare at him.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Quiet, you shall listen to my requiem and like it…
(Half a beat.)
Whether you like it or not.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE, then the door opens and the Brigadier enters.
Behind him come Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, Megan #1, Jayne Grunt, Capt. Bates, Corporal Benson, and two cyber-poofs.
CYBER POOF-LEADER (Shocked.)
What is this, Brigadier, a procession?
BRIGADIER
No, Cyber Poof-Leader, I have captured the intruders.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Excellent!
Standing, he walks across to examine Megan #1, Petite Toots #1, then Doctor #1, looking increasingly puzzled.
CYBER POOF-LEADER (Pointing at Doctor #1.)
What manner of creature is this?
CYBER POOF-#3
By the colour of her dress, I’d say she was a Red Kant.
PETITE TOOTS #1
No, she’s still alive.
CYBER POOF-#3
If I didn’t know we had exterminated the last of the Red Kants last Friday. Just before lunch time.
MEGAN #1
Actually Doc is a yellow-streak-down-the back Kant.
CYBER POOF-#4 (Pointing at Doctor #1’s hair.)
From the colour of her hair, I would say she was one of the Orange Kants.
Petite Toots #1 and Megan #1 both bend down to stare at Doctor #1’s crotch for a moment, and then look up at her face.
THE DOCTOR #1
Don’t…
(Half a beat.)
Even…
(Half a beat.)
Ask!
PETITE TOOTS (Innocent.)
We weren’t going to, Doc, honestly.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Who or what are you, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
I’m sort of a time-travelling, intergalactic trouble-shooter.
MEGAN #1
Trouble-maker more like it!
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Silence. With the capture of this Time-Dork, soon my final victory will be assured.
BRIGADIER
Excellent, Cyber Poof-Leader.
THE DOCTOR #1
Brigadier, you’re a human being, like us. You should be trying to defeat this pink-clad poofter and liberate the Earth from cyber-poof rule.
BRIGADIER/BENSON/BATES/JAYNE GRUNT (Chanting.)
The cyber-poofs are our friends; they mean us no harm.
Doctor #1, Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1 all look disgusted. Cyber Poof-Leader laughs at their disgust.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Soon my Requiem to Final Victory will ring out around the galaxy. Then all the cyber-poofs, wherever they may be, will rise up and answer the clarion-call.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Puzzled.)
What’s a clarion call?
THE DOCTOR #1
It’s an old-fashioned alto-trumpet. You know, like the really high bit in “Penny Lane”.
(Fingering as though playing a trumpet.)
Do dah do dah do dah do do do….
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Silence, when I’m eulogising, you rusty-headed ratbag!
MEGAN #1
The Doctor’s not a rusty-headed ratbag! She’s a radish-headed retardo.
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, or a carrot-topped cretin!
CYBER POOF-LEADER (Shouting.)
Silence, while I play my Requiem to Final Victory.
He sits at the organ, and starts playing hellishly loud, god-awful music.
Doctor #1 and everyone else hurriedly cover their ears with their hands and grimace.
CYBER POOF-#1
Oh God, it sounds exactly the same as his Requiem to Initial Victory. And his Requiem to Secondary Victory!
CYBER POOF-#3
And his Requiem to a Minor Setback!
CYBER POOF-#4
Not to mention his Requiem to Renewed Victory!
BRIGADIER
And his Requiem to Another Small Setback.
JAYNE GRUNT
And his Requiem to Another Victory!
CYBER POOF-LEADER (Shouting.)
Silence while I’m playing!
INT. SKYSCRAPER — LIT — PETITE TOOTS #2, THE DOCTOR #2, & Megan #2 run down the corridor toward the elevator bay.
MEGAN #2
Oh God, how much further is it?
THE DOCTOR #2
Don’t worry, we’re almost there.
MEGAN #2 (Pointing at the inside elevator.)
And there it is!
They race across to the elevator, whose doors are wide open.
INT. INSIDE ELEVATOR — LIT — MEGAN #2,
Petite Toots #2 and Doctor #2 all race inside.
MEGAN #2
Thank God.
Doctor #2 pushes the “foyer” button, then the “close door” button, however, nothing happens.
MEGAN #2
Doctor, what’s wrong?
Doctor #2 examines the elevator buttons.
THE DOCTOR #2
I’m not sure. Nothing seems to be wrong, but the damn thing won’t go.
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Puzzled.)
I wonder if it’s because I was continuously pressing all the buttons on the way up here?
MEGAN #2/THE DOCTOR #2 (Shocked.)
What?
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Defensive.)
Well, I’m only a kid. I’ve got a very low attention span and had to have something to do on the way up here.
MEGAN #2
I really am going to have to kill her for this, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #2
All right, but kill her later. For now we have five flights of stairs to negotiate.
PETITE TOOTS #2
I’m not worried. I’ve just had a nice, restful ride up here.
Megan #2 and Doctor #2 both look back to glare at her.
INT. ELEVATOR BAY — LIT — THE DOCTOR #2,
Megan #2 and Petite Toots #2 race out of the elevator. The Doctor races across to the door to the stairwell, pulls the door wide open and races into the stairwell.
ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES shut and elevator starts down.
INT. STAIRWELL — LIT — THE DOCTOR #2
and the others race down the stairs. They run down past the next landing before encountering an elderly lady with a walking frame, taking up the width of the whole stairwell.
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Shouting.)
Move it or lose it, Granny!
(Going to push her in the back.)
THE DOCTOR #2
Relax, just follow me. Here’s a little trick I learnt from Mary Poppins, for emergencies like this.
Putting her hands on the stairwell behind the old woman, Doctor #2 swings her legs up over the rail and starts sliding down the railing, with her back to Megan #2 and Petite Toots #2.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Shouting.)
Geronimo!
At the next landing, the railing has a sharp turn to the left.
Doctor #2 falls off the railing, CRASHES heavily into the back wall, and then rolls head-over-heels down the stairwell.
THE DOCTOR #2 O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
DOOR SLAMMING OPEN as Doctor #2 slams into it.
THE DOCTOR #2 O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
2ND DOOR SLAMMING OPEN as Doctor #2 slams into it.
THE DOCTOR #2 O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
3RD DOOR SLAMMING OPEN as Doctor #2 slams into it.
THE DOCTOR #2 O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
4TH DOOR SLAMMING OPEN as Doctor #2 slams into it.
TABLE BEING KNOCKED OVER and CROCKERY RATTLING ABOUT and BREAKING.
MEGAN #2
Oh my God! Come on, Petite Toots.
She races up to the old woman and gives her a hard shove to the LHS.
MEGAN #2
Out of the way, Granny.
OLD WOMAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
OLD WOMAN falls head-first over the stair rail and plummets down to the foyer with a sickening CRUNCHING OF BONES, as Megan #2 takes off at a run down the stairs.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Yeah, outta the way!
She picks up the woman’s walking frame and tosses it over the edge, then takes off after Megan #2.
INT. CYBER-POOF COMMAND — LIT — AS BEFORE
Cyber Poof-Leader is still seated at the pipe-organ playing god-awfully. Two cyber-poofs standing behind him are cringing.
MEGAN #1
I knew he might torture us, but this is inhuman.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah, condom-head, knock off the bogus boogie-woogie and just kill us for pity’s sake.
THE DOCTOR #1
Yes, if you’re gonna kill us, then kill us now! But don’t make us listen to any more of that god-awful racket.
CYBER POOF-LEADER (Frustrated.)
Everyone’s a music critic these days! Don’t play the fool with me, Doctor, I know you’re no idiot!
MEGAN #1/PETITE TOOTS #1
Yes, she is!
Cyber Poof-Leader stops playing, and storms across to them.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Doctor, I find your manners almost as repulsive as your appearance.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Shrugging.)
I guess some men will never like redheads.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
On the contrary, I find your red hair lovely…
(Half a beat.)
It’s your ugly face I can’t stomach.
THE DOCTOR #1
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
She leaps up, wraps her legs around his waist and starts trying to gouge his eyes out.
MEGAN #1
Oh God, the Doctor is chucking a Normie Rowe.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
He grabs Doctor #1 by the waist and tosses her across the room until she hits the wall and collapses unconscious to the floor.
Petite Toots #1 and Megan #1 race across to her.
PETITE TOOTS #1
She’s done a Jill Singer.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
And that redhead’s temper is a bit repulsive too.
(Pointing at Doctor #1, Megan #1 and Petite Toots #1.)
Brigadier, have these three taken to the holding cells.
Cyber Poof #1 and Cyber Poof #2 step forward to take Doctor #1 by one arm each to heft her to her feet.
INT. SKYSCRAPER FOYER — DAY
A large table lays on its side, with newspapers and a bowl of fruit scattered across the floor from where Doctor #2 has slammed into it.
Doctor #2 is lying on her back with her head against the reception counter; her ankles bend up over her body, so that her knees are on either side of her head.
RUNNING FEET, then the door to the stairwell is pushed open and Megan #2 and Petite Toots #2 race out.
They stop and look around the foyer.
MEGAN #2
Doctor?
PETITE TOOTS #2 (Pointing at Doctor #2.)
There she is.
MEGAN #2
Oh my God!
They race across to Doctor #2, and grab one of her legs each to pull apart her knees so they can see her face.
MEGAN #2
Doctor, are you all right?
THE DOCTOR #2
Apart from a few dozen broken bones, just fine.
(Puzzled.)
Why do you ask?
PETITE TOOTS #2
I bet this never happened to Mary Poppins.
With the help of Megan #2 and Petite Toots #2, Doctor #2 rolls over into a sitting position.
THE DOCTOR #2
If I ever meet Mary Poppins again.
(Slamming a fist into a palm.)
I’m gonna kill the bitch!
PETITE TOOTS #2
Let’s get her to her feet.
With a lot of straining, they manage to manipulate Doctor #2 into a position where she can climb slowly to her feet with their help. However, she is bent over at the waist as she walks along with them.
EXT. OUTSIDE SKYSCRAPER — DAY
The glass doors WHOOSH open, then Petite Toots #2 and Megan #2 come out, followed by Doctor #2, still bent over at the waist.
PETITE TOOTS #2
I think we’re safe now, Doctor.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then a dozen or so machine-gun carrying women dressed in purple with purple hair race out from cover and encircle the Doctor and her companions.
MEGAN #2
You had to speak too soon, didn’t you, you little twitess?
FADE OUT:
ACT THREE:
FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE SKYSCRAPER — DAY — AS BEFORE
FOOTSTEPS then Princess Astro steps out of cover, from behind the Purple Kants.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Welcome, Doctor, I am Princess Astro. I am trying to organise the Kants to overthrow the cyber-poofs.
PURPLE KANT-LEADER
We are organised.
PURPLE 2ND IN COMMAND (Shouting.)
Purple Kants are best!
PRINCESS ASTRO (Frustrated.)
See what I have to put up with! Without my guidance they’re absolutely hopeless.
THE DOCTOR #2
(Thumbing toward Petite Toots #2 & Megan #2.)
I know exactly what you mean.
INT. CYBER-POOF COMMAND/LONG CORRIDOR — LIT
In one corner of the room is a large cage in which Doctor #1 is still unconscious on a bunk. Beside her stand Petite Toots #1, and Megan #1.
At the other side of the room, is a large viewer screen, which is on, although no one is watching it.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE, then Corporal Benson walks in carrying a food tray. He opens the cell door and places the tray on a bunk.
MEGAN #1
How long have you been in the army Corporal Benson?
CORPORAL BENSON
Over twenty years now. Since my teens.
MEGAN #1
And you’re still only a corporal? An intelligent bloke like you should be at least a lieutenant by now.
CORPORAL BENSON
No one with any brains ever gets promoted in this army. The only ones who get promoted are loud-mouthed know-nothings.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Puzzled.)
So if the Doctor had started there when you did, twenty years ago…
(Half a beat.)
She’d probably be Grand Führer of the entire galaxy by now?
MEGAN #1
At the very least.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Rolling over on her bunk.)
Shut up dingles! I’m not deaf you know!
PETITE TOOTS #1
No offence meant, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
No offence? You practically called me the biggest bonehead this side of Bonehead City!
PETITE TOOTS #1
But I meant it in the kindest possible way.
MEGAN #1
It’s just not possible to be very kind when you’re calling someone the biggest bonehead this side of Bonehead City!
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Cyber Poof-Leader and the Brigadier enter and walk across to stand in front of the viewer screen. On which can be seen a long corridor down which comes Princess Astro.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Brigadier, I thought you ordered Private Wilson to take care of Princess Astro? Why is she still alive? And now it seems organising the Kant groups?
BRIGADIER (Puzzled.)
Er, I don’t know, Cyber Poof-Leader.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Take care of them, my cyber-poofs.
Cyber Poof #1 and three others cyber-poofs turn and race out of the command room, leaving Cyber Poof-Leader to watch the screen.
After a moment the Purple Kants appear on the viewer screen, followed by Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2 and Megan #2 walking down the corridor. Doctor #2 is still bent over at the waist.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Oh my God, what’s that?
PETITE TOOTS #1
Either the Hunchback of Notre Dame has taken to wearing very, very bad drag…?
THE DOCTOR #1
Or it’s that rusty-headed retardo.
MEGAN #1
My ten bucks is on the very, very bad drag.
CYBER POOF-LEADER (Puzzled.)
What is this? Two doctors…!
(Half a beat.)
No wait! The same Doctor twice. How can this be?
PETITE TOOTS #1
The Time-Dorks are making her do double-duty because she grossly violated the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up, you prehistoric prenet. Do you plan to tell everyone you meet over the next fifty years about that?
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yes, of course.
THE DOCTOR #1
Bitch! I might have known as much.
FLUTTERING then on screen Kay-Swine #2 appears behind Doctor #2.
BRIGADIER
Oh my God, what is that thing? It looks like a flying pig.
THE DOCTOR #1
So that radish-headed retardo did think to bring her Kay-Swine with her?
PETITE TOOTS #1
At least she didn’t drop her Kay-Swine.
THE DOCTOR #1
Accidents will happen, you know.
MEGAN #1
That’s her excuse for everything.
INT. SMALL ASSEMBLY HALL — LIT — PRINCESS ASTRO,
Doctor #2 (now standing straight.), Megan #2, Petite Toots #2, Kay-Swine #2, Chief Surgeon, and all the Purple and Orange Kants are assembled.
ALL PURPLE KANTS (Shouting.)
Purple Kants are best!
ALL ORANGE KANTS (Shouting.)
Orange Kants are best!
PRINCESS ASTRO
Shut up dingles…!
(Half a beat.)
Something tells me this won’t be easy.
CHIEF SURGEON
Is this all there is; just two Kant groups left?
PURPLE KANT-LEADER
There should also be a dozen Green Kants. But they seem to have disappeared somehow.
Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, and Megan #2 turn to stare at Kay-Swine #2.
THE DOCTOR #2
Would you care to field that one, Kay-Swine?
KAY-SWINE #2
Negative, Mistress.
PRINCESS ASTRO
The reason I have asked you all here….
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE, then the doors BURST OPEN and a dozen cyber-poofs enter, followed by the Brigadier.
Cyber-poofs advance toward Princess Astro, behind whom is standing Private Wilson.
BRIGADIER
Private Wilson, I thought I ordered you to take care of Princess Astro?
PRIVATE WILSON (Saluting.)
Sir!
Stepping forward, he fires off a BURST OF MACHINE-GUN
FIRE, gunning down two cyber-poofs.
BRIGADIER (Shouting.)
Chicken out everyone!
He turns and races back out the door, closely followed by cyber-poofs.
PRINCESS ASTRO (Puzzled.)
Why did you do that, Private Wilson?
PRIVATE WILSON
Just following orders, miss. The Brigadier told me to take care of you.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Oy vay, the military mind. Thank you, Private Wilson.
As cyber-poofs look like sneaking back in through the doorway, the Orange Kants and Purple Kants start firing their machine-guns at them.
Kay-Swine #2 takes to flight and flies over the cyber-poofs, zapping them with her laser beam.
BRIGADIER (Shouting.)
Chicken out further!
The Brigadier and cyber-poofs start running back down the corridor, still FIRING MACHINE-GUNS at the two Kant groups who advance slowly, also FIRING MACHINE-GUNS.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE HALL — LIT
The two Kant groups slowly exit the hall, followed by Doctor #2 and the others. Kay-Swine #2 flies down the corridor zapping cyber-poofs with her pink laser beam.
BRIGADIER (Shouting.)
Chicken out again!
INT. CYBER-POOF COMMAND — LIT — AS BEFORE
Cyber Poof-Leader and others watching battle on viewer screen.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then half-a-dozen cyber-poofs enter carrying Doctor #1’s Retardis, which they place near the cage.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Things look pretty bad for your cyber-poof army.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Yes, but I know exactly what to do.
MEGAN #1
You’re gonna run away with your tail tucked between your legs, like the Doctor does when things are going badly?
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Exactly. Unlock the cage!
Two cyber-poofs goes across and unlock it.
CYBER POOF-LEADER (Pointing gun at Doctor #1.)
You will give me the key to your Retardis, Doctor, or I shall kill you.
THE DOCTOR #1
Kill me and you’ll never fly the Retardis. Its controls are iso-morphoditic. Only I can fly it.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
All right, I can’t kill you, Doctor.
(Pointing at Petite Toots #1.)
But I can kill her. What do you say now, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1 (Waving toward Petite Toots #1.)
Bye-bye you pip-squeak pest.
PETITE TOOTS #1
You great dingle, I’ll get you for this!
THE DOCTOR #1
Not if Cyber Poof-Leader kills you first.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Puzzled.)
Oh yeah, I never thought of that.
THE DOCTOR #1
The only way for you to use my Retardis, is if we three go in first and adjust the controls to accept you as the pilot.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Very well, you may all enter your Retardis. Conditional that none of you try to run away.
PETITE TOOTS #1/THE DOCTOR #1/MEGAN #1
No way! We’d never think of it!
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Very well then, you may enter your Retardis.
Doctor #1, Megan #1, and Petite Toots #1 all step out of the cage and start slowly across toward the Retardis.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Shouting.)
All right, run for it!
PETITE TOOTS #1
Ha! Ha, suckers! You’ll never see us again!
They race across and Doctor #1 slams into the door of the Retardis.
Megan #1 slams into Doctor #1’s back, then Petite Toots #1 slams into Megan #1’s back and they all rebound off the Retardis.
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh damn, the door’s locked!
MEGAN #1
Right, who’s got the key?
They start patting themselves down.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Maybe there’s a spare key under the mat?
(Pointing at welcome mat in front of the Retardis.)
Megan #1 lifts up the mat and pulls out a key.
MEGAN #1
She’s right, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Come on, dingles, let’s get outta here.
Doctor #1 snatches the key, opens the door and races into the Retardis, closely followed by Megan #1.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (To Cyber Poof-Leader.)
Ha, ha, sucker! You let us go, now we’re….
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then Retardis vanishes.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Damn, they buggered off and abandoned me!
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Ha, ha, sucker! They buggered off and abandoned you!
PETITE TOOTS #1
Sarky bastard!
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then Retardis reappears.
MEGAN #1 O/S
Come on you prehistoric pip-squeak!
Petite Toots #1 races into the Retardis, followed closely by Cyber Poof-Leader and two other cyber-poofs.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR #1 & Megan #1 at consul, when Petite Toots #1 and cyber-poofs race in.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
So, Doctor, you thought you could outsmart me.
MEGAN #1
A raisin could probably outsmart you, dingle!
CYBER POOF-LEADER (Pointing cyber-poof-gun at doctor.)
Now I shall kill you all, you liars.
THE DOCTOR #1
Go ahead and try, you pink-clad pansy. The Retardis is in a state of temporal grace. Guns won’t fire in here.
(Pointing at circles on wall.)
Try shooting out one of those circlely things in the wall.
Cyber Poof-Leader aims at a circle in the Retardis wall and fires.
EXPLOSION and circle shatters.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
THE DOCTOR #1 (Puzzled.)
Oh damn, the temporal grace circuits must have burnt out.
She pulls a long circuit board out from under the consul. Taking her psychic-screwdriver from her cloth bag, the Doctor starts using it like a soldering-iron to fix the circuit board.
Cyber Poof-Leader aims his Cyber-Poof Gun at Megan #1.
MEGAN #1
Doctor, hurry!
PETITE TOOTS #1
Relax, if he kills her the temporal anomaly is fixed and the Cyber-Poof Empire will cease to exist.
MEGAN #1 (Angry.)
I really am gonna have to kill the microscopic dweebess.
THE DOCTOR #1
Okay, but not till this mission is over.
Cyber Poof-Leader points the gun at Petite Toots.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Yes that’s right. But I can always kill you.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Doctor, hurry!
Doctor #1 slips the circuit board into the consul.
Then, as Cyber Poof-Leader fire his Cyber-Poof Gun, Doctor #1 presses a button on the Retardis consul and a red light goes on.
HUMMING from the consul and Cyber-Poof Gun fails to fire.
THE DOCTOR #1
See we’re perfectly safe now.
HUMMING stops and red light goes out.
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh damn! Come on you cheap pile of junk!
She starts hammering a fist onto the consul.
FLUTTERING OUTSIDE the Retardis, then Kay-Swine #2 appears through the doorway, and starts firing her pink beam at the cyber-poofs.
CYBER POOF-LEADER
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Chicken out!
All the cyber-poofs race out of the Retardis.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Kay-Swine? How did you get back together again?
KAY-SWINE #2
Negative, Petite Mistress. I belong to the other Doctor. She felt…
(Half a beat.)
As she put it, “That rusty-headed retardo” would be helpless without my assistance.
MEGAN #1/PETITE TOOTS #1
Boy, was she ever right.
EXT. FIELD OUTSIDE CYBER-POOF COMMAND — DAY
Purple and Orange Kants are engaged in machine-gun battle with cyber-poofs and Brigadier’s soldiers, who are employing small canonettes. Corpses of both armies line the field.
BRIGADIER
Load the canons with grape!
CAPTAIN BATES
Sorry, sir, we’re all out of grape.
BRIGADIER
Well, in that case load with sultanas and raisins.
Soldiers start loading boxes of sultanas and raisins into the canonettes.
BRIGADIER
Fire!
They fire the canons, spraying out sultanas and raisins.
EXPLOSIONS as sultanas and grapes land, then they rapidly grow into grape vines, which start growing in FAST-MO, attacking and strangling the Orange and Purple Kants.
PURPLE KANT-LEADER
Affix your bayonets!
The Kants affix their bayonets to their machine-guns and start hacking the moving vines to pieces.
JAYNE GRUNT
No good sir, they’re hacking the vines to pieces with their bayonets.
BRIGADIER
Damn! Well, in that case load with dates and figs.
CAPTAIN BATES (Shouting.)
Load canons with dates and figs.
JAYNE GRUNT
Jesus, that’ll give them the shits.
They start loading boxes of dates and figs into the canonettes.
BRIGADIER
Fire!
They fire the canons, spraying out sultanas and raisins.
EXPLOSIONS as dates and figs land, then they rapidly grow into date palms, which start growing in FAST-MO, attacking Kants with their fronds.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — THE DOCTOR #1 starts taking circuit boards out of the consul
PETITE TOOTS #1
What is that freckle-faced fruit loop doing now?
KAY-SWINE #2
She is preparing a glimmer-gun, to destroy the cyber-poofs.
THE DOCTOR #1
No, I was checking to see if any other circuits had burnt out. But building a glimmer-gun is a great idea, Kay-Swine.
MEGAN #1 (Puzzled.)
Then how were you planning to defeat the cyber-poofs?
THE DOCTOR #1
Er, well, um, that is….
MEGAN #1
Oh great, so in other words the same way you always do? Stumble about blindly till you luck out onto a solution.
PETITE TOOTS #1
What’s a glimmer-gun?
KAY-SWINE #2
A gun that bombards heavy metals with neutrons, forcing protons to be expelled and thus changing them into gold.
PETITE TOOTS #1
You mean you can make gold with it, hey great!
THE DOCTOR #1
Unfortunately it only works on metals more expensive than gold: caesium, plutonium, uranium, platinum and so on.
MEGAN #1
How will that effect the cyber-poofs?
THE DOCTOR #1
The cyber-poofs are allergic to gold, it’s a poison to them. But the cyber-poofs are half machine. Their mechanical half has platinum wiring.
PETITE TOOTS #1
So the glimmer-gun will turn their platinum wiring into gold, thereby poisoning them.
THE DOCTOR #1
Exactly.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — AN HOUR LATER
Doctor #1, Megan #1, and Petite Toots #1 looking at the Doctor’s first attempt to build a glimmer-gun, which is a wire statue.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Puzzled.)
Why does it look like a wire statue?
THE DOCTOR #1
Whoops, I guess I must have forgotten what I was supposed to be building.
EXT. FIELD — DAY — AS BEFORE — KANT GROUPS
engaged in machine-gun battle with cyber-poofs and soldiers.
CAPTAIN BATES
Now out of dates and figs, sir.
BRIGADIER
Any form of vine fruit left, Captain?
CAPTAIN BATES
None at all, sir.
BRIGADIER
Then there’s only one thing left to do…
(Half a beat.)
Has anyone got a white flag?
Brigadier, Bates, Benson, and Jayne Grunt start patting themselves down, looking for anything white.
BRIGADIER
There must be something we can use as a white flag?
CORPORAL BENSON
I happen to know that Jayne’s wearing white knickers today, sir.
They all turn to stare at Benson, then turn to stare at Jayne Grunt.
JAYNE GRUNT (Embarrassed.)
Shut up, Benson, you dingle!
BRIGADIER
All right get ‘em off, Jayne.
JAYNE GRUNT
No way!
(She glares trying to stare him down, but ends up blinking first.)
Damn! All right, but at least look away while I drop ‘em.
Brigadier and the others turn away as Jayne Grunt reaches up under her dress and drops her panties. She lifts them up and holds them out to Brigadier.
JAYNE GRUNT
Here you go.
The Brigadier turns back, takes Jayne Grunt’s panties and affixes them to a bayonet upon a rifle.
Doctor #1, Megan #1, Petite Toots #1, and Princess Astro are standing behind Kants watching the battle in progress.
Suddenly Brigadier runs across carrying the rifle with Jayne Grunt’s white pants on its bayonet, waving them about. Behind him run Corporal Benson, Capt. Bates, and Jayne Grunt.
Firing ceases as Brigadier and the others race across to the Kant side.
MEGAN #1
Hey look, they’re coming out of cover.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Great, we can gun them down.
THE DOCTOR #1
Dingle, he’s carrying a white flag! That’s the flag of truce.
PETITE TOOTS #1
I don’t care, let’s gun them down anyway.
PRINCESS ASTRO
So, Brigadier, do you wish to surrender?
BRIGADIER
Not exactly. We’d like to change sides.
JAYNE GRUNT
And help you to defeat the cyber-poofs.
MEGAN #1
You mean you’re chickening out with your tail tucked between your legs?
PETITE TOOTS #1
And running away to our side, like yellow cowards, the way the Doctor always does when the going gets tough?
BRIGADIER
Exactly. I knew you’d understand.
THE DOCTOR #1
Now this is the Brigadier Alexander Rightbridge-Stupid, who I know and have come to be associated with down the years.
BRIGADIER
Just remember the old military adage: He who turns and chickens out, lives to fight another bout.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Puzzled.)
I hope that doesn’t mean what I think it does?
BRIGADIER
Let’s just say that cowards run in my family.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Puzzled.)
Very fast by the sounds of things.
BRIGADIER
Exactly.
Purple Kant-Leader walks over to examine them and is puzzled by Benson.
PURPLE KANT-LEADER
Are you a Kant, like us?
CORPORAL BENSON
Of course not, do I look like a Kant?
PURPLE KANT-LEADER
Weeeeell?
CORPORAL BENSON
For one thing, I don’t have any tits, and all the Kants have tits.
(Pointing at a very flat-chested kant.)
Well, apart from her, of course.
They all turn round to stare at Flat-Chested Kant.
FLAT-CHESTED KANT (Crossing hands over her chest.)
Hey!
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — AN HOUR LATER
The Doctor’s second attempt to build a glimmer-gun looks like a home-movie projector.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Oh God, what has the dingle built now?
THE DOCTOR #1
A glimmer-gun. That’s how it’s supposed to look.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Oh, sorry.
THE DOCTOR #1
Now I’ll just switch it on and we’ll be set.
Doctor #1 clicks a couple of switches on the glimmer-gun, but nothing happens.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Hitting it with a fist.)
Come on you cheap pile of crap!
When it still doesn’t work, she starts looking it all over.
At one stage she leans down and looks directly into the projector-cum-barrel then looks up again.
PETITE TOOTS #1
I was waiting for it to zap her.
Looking about, Megan #1 sees a pile of what look like yellow plastic music cassettes on the floor. She picks up one of the “cassettes”.
MEGAN #1
Doesn’t it need one of these things to power it, Doc? They look like some kind of power packs?
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh yes, of course.
She places one of the power packs into the glimmer-gun and flicks the switches again.
At first nothing happens, then the power pack shoots out of the glimmer-gun, almost hitting Petite Toots #1.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Shouting.)
Watch out dingle, you almost took my head off then!
THE DOCTOR #1
Damn, which way do these things insert?
MEGAN #1
Probably the way that says, “This way in, this way up”.
Doctor #1 looks closely at a power pack, which has a large inlaid arrow, in front of which it says “THIS WAY IN, THIS WAY UP”.
THE DOCTOR #1
Oh yeah, you could be right…
(Half a beat.)
Smart bitch!
Doctor #1 places the power pack into the glimmer-gun and turns the glimmer-gun on again, which gives out a pale blue light.
METALLIC SCREAMING from outside the Retardis.
MEGAN #1
What the hell is that?
THE DOCTOR #1
Cyber-poofs dying. Even through the walls of the Retardis it will kill any cyber-poofs within two miles of here.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Great, let’s take it outside and zap the rest of them.
EXT. FIELD OUTSIDE CYBER-POOF COMMAND — DAY
Purple and Orange Kants and Brigadier’s soldiers are engaged in machine-gun battle with the cyber-poof army.
MEGAN #2
Oh God, the battle is going badly for us.
PRINCESS ASTRO
Yes, the Kants are still a disorganised mob.
BRIGADIER
Leave this to me, ladies. Right all Kant members, line up in single file!
(The kants all run to do as ordered.)
Now as you go to the final victory charge, remember that famous battle cry of the Northumberland Glass-house Deserters.
(Shouting.)
Let “Blood! Blood! Blood!” be our battle cry! Death or Glory! Blood and Thunder!
ALL KANTS (Shouting.)
Let “Blood! Blood! Blood!” be our battle cry! Death or Glory! Blood and Thunder!
PETITE TOOTS #2
In the Doctor’s case, it’s more like “Thud and Blunder!”
The Kants start charging toward the cyber-poof army.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis lands in the field between the two armies.
HUMMING from inside the Retardis, then the cyber-poofs start screaming and falling to the ground. Some of their chest plates EXPLODE, others have their heads EXPLODE, their headless bodies falling to the ground.
In a matter of moments all the cyber-poofs are dead.
The Retardis doors open and Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, Megan #1, and Kay-Swine #2 come out.
BRIGADIER
Oh my God they’re all dead.
THE DOCTOR #2
I don’t believe it, that redheaded rutabaga actually came up with a plan that worked?
MEGAN #1
She built a glimmer-gun.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Actually it was Kay-Swine’s idea.
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up, they didn’t have to know that!
PETITE TOOTS #2
Is that it then? Are all the cyber-poofs on Earth dead?
THE DOCTOR #2
No, to make sure of killing all the cyber-poofs on the planet, we’ll need to take this up to the roof of a skyscraper.
EXT. ROOF OF A SKYSCRAPER — DAY — AN HOUR LATER
The two Megan, two Petite Tootses, the Brigadier, Princess Astro and all surviving Kants are all on the rooftop, watching as the Doctors operate the glimmer-gun.
Corporal Benson, Captain Bates, and Jayne Grunt are all using mobile telephones.
BRIGADIER
Any news yet?
CAPTAIN BATES
Yes, sir, it’s confirmed. All the cyber-poofs on the planet are now dead.
The Brigadier, the Doctor & the others all cheer.
A jumbo-jet passes directly over them with a DEAFENING ROAR.
A few miles past them there is an EXPLOSION in the rear section.
The plane nose-dives into a skyscraper a few miles away and EXPLODES.
CORPORAL BENSON
Reports coming in that planes will no longer fly and all the planes in flight are crashing around the world.
THE DOCTOR #1
Whoops, I forgot aeroplanes also use platinum wiring.
JAYNE GRUNT
All satellites TV stations in the world have also shut down.
PETITE TOOTS #1
So what’s the hassle? There’s only ever crap on TV these days anyway.
MEGAN #2
And what’s a few thousand deaths to free the whole world from cyber-poof domination?
CAPTAIN BATES
I’m afraid it’s a lot worse than that. It seems the glimmer-gun effects all metals on the periodic table higher than gold. So all the nuclear power stations have shut down, rendering some whole countries with no electricity.
THE DOCTOR #1
Double whoops.
JAYNE GRUNT
And all the platinum currency reserves being held by governments have devalued by ninety Percent, bankrupting whole continents.
THE DOCTOR #1
Triple whoops!
CAPTAIN BATES
And causing twenty-thousand Percent inflation right across Europe.
THE DOCTOR #1
Quadruple whoops!
CORPORAL BENSON
And more than eighty Percent unemployment world-wide.
THE DOCTOR #1
Quintuple whoops!
BRIGADIER
Doctor! What have you got to say for yourself?
Doctor #1 turns to face other Doctor, two Megans, two Petite Tootses, and all the remaining Kants.
THE DOCTOR #1
Okay who’s for chickening out and running away.
The other Doctor, two Megans, two Petite Tootses, Princess Astro, and all the remaining Kants put up their right arms.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Counting them.)
One, two, three.
(Pointing at Princess Astro.)
Chickening off and running away?
PRINCESS ASTRO
Yes, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Pointing at Purple Kant-Leader.)
Chickening off and running away?
PURPLE KANT-LEADER
Yes, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Pointing at Orange 2nd In Command.)
Chickening off and running away?
ORANGE 2ND IN COMMAND
Yes, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Okay, it’s unanimous then.
She turns and races across to the stairwell, followed closely by Megan #1, and Petite Toots #1
Seconds later Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, Megan #2, Kay-Swine #2, and all the Kants start racing after them.
BRIGADIER (Shouting.)
Come back here, you cowards!
EXT. BASE OF TOWER — DAY — NEAR CLIFF FACE
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, then Petite Toots #1 comes racing out of the tower, followed closely by Doctor #1, then Megan #1.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Shouting.)
Look out, Petite Toots!
Petite Toots #1 runs straight off the edge of the cliff.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
MEGAN #1
Oh my God.
Megan #1 and Doctor #1 race across to the edge of the cliff.
EXT. CLIFF SIDE FROM ABOVE — DAY — PETITE TOOTS #
falling down cliff, still screaming.
Petite Toots #1 hits the cliff face halfway down and stops screaming as her corpse continues to bounce down to the base of the cliff.
REVERSE ANGLE — MEGAN #1 & THE DOCTOR #1.
staring down the cliff side in horror.
MEGAN #1
Oh my God, what can we do?
THE DOCTOR #1
Well, let’s see if we can climb down to her, just in case she somehow survived.
MEGAN #1
Is this a good time to mention my fear of climbing down cliff faces?
THE DOCTOR #1
No, dammit, now let’s go.
MEGAN #1 (Pointing to LHS.)
I think there’s a way down over there.
They both start across toward it.
EXT. BASE OF CLIFF — DAY —
PETITE TOOTS #1’s corpse lies across a boulder.
FOOTSTEPS, then Doctor #1 and Megan #1 come into SHOT descending the side of the cliff face slowly.
MEGAN #1
Oh my God!
She and Doctor #1 race across to examine Petite Toots.
THE DOCTOR #1 (White-faced.)
Dead, I’m afraid…
(Half a beat.)
Damn! I thought there was an outside chance she might still be alive…
(Half a beat.)
Help me to carry the prehistoric prenet back to the Retardis.
They slowly pick up Petite Toots #1’s lifeless body between them.
EXT. BASE OF TOWER — DAY — NEAR CLIFF FACE
The Retardis is standing near cliff face, LHS of SHOT.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, then Petite Toots #1 comes racing out of the tower, followed closely by Doctor #1, then Megan #1.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Shouting.)
Look out, Petite Toots!
Petite Toots #1 runs straight toward the edge of the cliff again.
Doctor #6 suddenly races out of the Retardis, does a flying tackle and catches Petite Toots #1 in mid-air.
Megan #6 and Petite Toots #6 walk out of the Retardis.
PETITE TOOTS #1 (struggling against Doctor #6.)
What the hell are you doing, Doctor? Let me go.
THE DOCTOR #6
I just saved your worthless hide, you pip-squeak pest.
She points toward the edge of the cliff.
MEGAN #6
Yeah, if the Doctor hadn’t grabbed you, you’d've run straight off that cliff.
Petite Toots #1 gulps as she realises what almost happened.
THE DOCTOR #1
But how did you three get in front of us?
MEGAN #1
Yeah, you were miles behind us.
(Thumbing back toward tower.)
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, then Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2 and Megan #2 come running out of the tower.
They stop and stare at Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, and Megan #1, then turn to stare at Doctor #6, Megan #6, and Petite Toots #6.
PETITE TOOTS #1/MEGAN #1/PETITE TOOTS #2/MEGAN #2/
THE DOCTOR #1/THE DOCTOR #2 (Shouting.)
Oh no! She’s done it again!
PETITE TOOTS #1 (Amazed.)
Now there’s three of each of us!
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, then Doctor #3, Petite Toots #3 and Megan #3 come running out of the tower.
They stop and stare at Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, and Megan #1, then turn to stare at Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, Megan #2, Doctor #6, Megan #6, and Petite Toots #6.
PETITE TOOTS #2
Would you believe four of each of us?
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, then Doctor #4, Petite Toots #4 and Megan #4 come running out of the tower.
They stop and stare at Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, and Megan #1, then turn to stare at Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, Megan #2, Doctor #3, Petite Toots #3, Megan #3, Doctor #6, Megan #6, and Petite Toots #6.
PETITE TOOTS #3
Five of each of us?
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, then Doctor #5, Petite Toots #5 and Megan #5 come running out of the tower.
They stop and stare at Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, and Megan #1, then turn to stare at Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, Megan #2, Doctor #3, Petite Toots #3, Megan #3, Doctor #4, Petite Toots #4, Megan #4, Doctor #6, Megan #6, and Petite Toots #6.
Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, Megan #1, Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, Megan #2, Doctor #3, Petite Toots #3, Megan #3, Doctor #4, Petite Toots #4, Megan #4, Doctor #5, Petite Toots #5 and Megan #5 all turn to glare at Doctor #6.
THE DOCTOR #6
Well, the teensy weensy turdess goes like a tortoise with a rocket up its bum, and I missed her the first three times.
MEGAN #6
So she had to keep trying till she finally caught her.
MEGAN #2
Doctor, you really shouldn’t have done that! Look at all the trouble you got us into last time with the Time-Dorks.
PETITE TOOTS #1
Yeah President Veruka will go spare when he hears about this.
PETITE TOOTS #3
Yeah, you freckle-face fruitcake!
THE DOCTOR #6
Relax, dudes and dudettes. What Old Veruka doesn’t know, can’t harm me…
(Half a beat.)
That ancient anal-retentive….
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then President Veruka
suddenly appears standing beside the Retardis.
PRESIDENT VERUKA (Frustrated.)
So, Doctor, you’ve done it again, I see. Well, what have you got to say for yourself.
THE DOCTOR #6 (Hanging head.)
Weeeell…
(Half a beat.)
Having been sprung so badly a second time in as many days, there really is only one thing I can say.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
And what is that, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #6 (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!
Doctor #6 turns and races across to the Retardis and runs inside. Petite Toots #6 and Megan #6 run into the Retardis after her.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then a ghost like image of the Retardis starts to rise out of the Retardis and vanishes above it.
Doctor #1, Petite Toots #1, and Megan #1 exchange a puzzled look for a moment, then run into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then a ghost like image of the Retardis starts to rise out of the Retardis and vanishes above it.
Doctor #2, Petite Toots #2, and Megan #2 exchange a puzzled look for a moment, then run into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then a ghost like image of the Retardis starts to rise out of the Retardis and vanishes above it.
Doctor #3, Petite Toots #3, and Megan #3 exchange a puzzled look for a moment, then run into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then a ghost like image of the Retardis starts to rise out of the Retardis and vanishes above it.
Doctor #4, Petite Toots #4, and Megan #4 exchange a puzzled look for a moment, then run into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then a ghost like image of the Retardis starts to rise out of the Retardis and vanishes above it.
Doctor #5, Petite Toots #5, and Megan #5 exchange a puzzled look for a moment, then run into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then Retardis vanishes.
PRESIDENT VERUKA (Shouting.)
Come back here, you despicable cowardesses!
FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.
PRESIDENT VERUKA O/S (Shouting.)
Doctor!
FADE OUT:
TAG:
FADE IN:
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR,
Megan, and Petite Toots standing by flight consul, looking through the remains of Kay-Swine in a metal bucket.
MEGAN
Hopeless, this chick is so hopeless.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up! I can’t be too hopeless. This is the fourth film now in which I’ve saved the universe.
PETITE TOOTS
Where to now, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR (Rubbing her head.)
Well, anywhere besides Gallafart.
PETITE TOOTS
You said it. If Prez Veruka ever catches you, he’ll have your tits for breakfast.
(Staring at the Doctor’s chest.)
Not that you’ve got more than a light snack in that department.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up you minute morphodite!
MEGAN
I want to go home, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
What was that?
PETITE TOOTS
I think she said she wants her mama?
MEGAN
I want to go home to Brisbane.
THE DOCTOR
For a holiday? Good idea, I hear Brisbane is lovely this time of year.
PETITE TOOTS
Well, apart from the Ninety-nine Percent humidity.
MEGAN
No, Doctor, I want to go home for good.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
You mean you want to leave us?
THE DOCTOR (Staring at Megan.)
But after all we’ve been through together? How could you possibly prefer the humdrum life of backwoods Brisbane, to travelling through time and space with me?
MEGAN (With a sigh.)
Doctor, after all we’ve been through together. I’d gladly lie down on the ground and allow my head to be stomped wafer-thin by a 900-kilo iron football-boot. In preference to travelling through time and space with you any longer!
PETITE TOOTS (Shouting.)
You ungrateful bitch!
THE DOCTOR (Glaring at Megan.)
Well, if that’s how you feel about it, I’ll bloody well take you back to Brisbane, and good riddance to you.
MEGAN
Doctor, I’m sick of risking my life on these scatter-brained voyages of yours.
PETITE TOOTS
But where’s you sense of adventure? Your sense of loyalty? Your sense of humour? Your sense of having any sense?
MEGAN
Shut up you diminutive dunderhead!
PETITE TOOTS (Shouting.)
I am not a diminutive dunderhead!
(Turning to Doc.)
What does “dunderhead” mean?
THE DOCTOR
A moron. A cretin. A dolt. An idiot.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh, I see.
(Considering for a moment.)
Doc, what does “diminutive” mean?
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Itsy bitsy, teensy weensy, like you.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh, I see.
EXT. CLEARING BY A FOREST — DAY
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then Retardis appears.
The doors open and Megan and the Doctor step out.
MEGAN (Holding out her right hand.)
Well…
(Half a beat.)
I guess this is goodbye, Doctor.
The Doctor steps forward and hugs Megan tightly. They hug for a few moments, then separate.
THE DOCTOR (Waving with one hand.)
Goodbye, Megan…
(Half a beat.)
Don’t do anyone I wouldn’t do.
Petite Toots sticks her head out of the Retardis.
PETITE TOOTS (At camera.)
Which in Nymphy Nora’s case doesn’t rule out too many people.
THE DOCTOR/MEGAN
Shut up you undersized ogress.
KAY-SWINE O/S
Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak.
Petite Toots sticks her tongue out, looking back in the direction of the Retardis.
PETITE TOOTS
And squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, to you too.
MEGAN (Waving with one hand.)
See you round, Doc.
The Doctor SIGHS HEAVILY then turns and walks into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then Retardis vanishes.
Megan turns round and is astonished to see herself by the edge of a forest.
MEGAN
Hey wait a minute, this doesn’t look like Brisbane to me.
RUSTLING IN FOREST, then half-a-dozen natives, wearing tribal gear and carrying long spears leap into the clearing.
Megan looks about herself in terror.
The natives hurriedly jabber amongst each other. (In their native language, subtitled.)
1ST NATIVE
Oh my God, this creature looks like a woman, but is white!
2ND NATIVE
It must be some kind of demon!
They drop their spears and run screaming back into the nearby forest.
MEGAN (Puzzled.)
And since those natives have obviously never seen a white woman before, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion this isn’t even the late twentieth century.
(Shouting.)
Doctor! You great dingleberry!
FADE OUT:
END OF TAG:
END OF FILM:
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