The last of my Dr Who lampoons typed up. I do have a lot of handwritten pages for one more script, but will need to type them up and try to finish it off.
CHARACTERS
THE DOCTOR: Thirties, tall, willowy redhead
THE DOCTOR #2: Thirties, tall, willowy redhead
TURDLOW: Sixteen-year-old redheaded boy
TURDLOW #2: Sixteen-year-old redheaded boy
SWAN-LI: Vietnamese girl, in mid teens travelling with the Doctor
SWAN-LI #2: Vietnamese girl, in mid teens travelling with the Doctor
PETITE TOOTS, JESSIE: Eleven-year-old American girl
BRIGADIER ALEXANDER RIGHTBRIDGE-STUPID: Fifties or
sixties, tall, moustachioed man
JAYNE GRUNT: Blonde bimbo assistant of Doctor
CAPTAIN MIKE BATES: Thirty-something
PRIVATE WILSON
FIDO: Giant dinosaur, befriended by the Doctor
ARAB RIDING CAMEL THROUGH RETARDIS
ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
3RD ICE-CREAM WARRIOR
STAGE COMEDIAN
EMCEE
TURKISH DELIGHT
1ST MAN IN AUDIENCE
2ND MAN IN AUDIENCE
3RD MAN IN AUDIENCE
PERSONNEL OFFICER: Mr Hodgekiss
DIRECTOR OF POWER PLANT
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF POWER PLANT
SECURITY CHIEF
VOICE OVER INTERCOM
MAN IN DOORWAY
BRASS BAND LEADER
BRASS BAND LEADER #2
BAND MEMEBER WHO HITS SWAN-LI
VOICE OF NARRATOR
VOICE OF RETARDIS’S COMPUTER
SMETHURST: Time-Dork dress like accountant
1ST BULLY
2ND BULLY
3RD BULLY
4TH BULLY
MEGAN: Short, brunette in early twenties
KING OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE
PRINCE OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE
WITCH DOCTOR
MOTHER OF THE KING: Ancient woman
EXTRAS
other Arabs on camels; other troops firing at dinosaur at Eunuch command; other Ice-Cream Warriors; people in audience; soldiers at R.A.F. base; senior ministers playing Scrabble; staff at power station; security officers; members of brass band; two dozen Beefeaters
CROWDS
People on Brighton beach;
INTERIOR SETS
RETARDIS
— consul room
— Doctor’s bedroom
— corridors
CAVE NETWORK
EUNUCH HQ, LONDON
— Brigadier’s office
— Brigadier’s temporary office
TEN DOWNING STREET
— PM’s Office
THEATRE
— stage and audience area
— backstage
NUCLEAR POWER STATION
— control room
ARCTIC BASE
— entrance hall
— corridors
— prison room
— missile-guidance room
EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
RED SANDY DESERT
M1, LONDON
BRIGHTON BEACH
FOREST
EUNUCH HQ, LONDON
— lawns outside building
R.A.F. BASE
— runway
— dirt verge ringed by wire-fence
NUCLEAR POWER STATION
— grounds full of buildings
ARCTIC CIRCLE
— mountain with base atop it
OPEN FIELD
COAL KUND SCHOOL
— play ground
TEASER:
FADE IN:
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
TURDLOW is watching the DOCTOR adjusting the controls.
The DOCTOR is a tall, shapely redhead, and is a scientist, qualified in seemingly every field. She is a bit sarcastic and is notoriously clumsy. She always carries a huge cloth bag on her left arm.
TURDLOW is a redhead, about sixteen, a bit of a braggart, yet a coward at heart. The two traits mean he gets beaten up fairly regularly.
TURDLOW
Where to now, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Where would you like to go?
TURDLOW
How about having a day at the seaside?
THE DOCTOR
Sounds good to me.
She adjusts the co-ordinates and the Retardis lurches wildly, tossing them both to the floor.
INT. CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
There is no one in the consul room.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a lurch as the Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.
TURDLOW O/S
Come on, Doc, sounds like we’ve landed.
THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the seaside….”
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE, in corridor RHS of SHOT.
The Doctor and Turdlow walk into the consul room, now both singing.
Turdlow is wearing skimpy bathing trunks and a pair of thongs with a beach towel slung over his left shoulder.
The Doctor is now wearing dark sunglasses, a bright red, one-piece swimsuit, thongs, and is dangling her huge cloth bag from her left arm, carrying an inflated beach ball in her right hand.
THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the seaside….”
TURDLOW/THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the sea….”
They continue singing as they walk across the consul room.
EXT. RED SANDY DESERT — DAY — RETARDIS’ DOOR OPENS
and the Doctor and Turdlow march out still singing.
TURDLOW/THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the seaside….”
Turdlow stops singing and looks about the desert in amazement.
THE DOCTOR (Singing.)
“Oh I do like to be beside the….”
The Doctor removes her sunglasses, and looks round at the surrounding countryside, a red sandy desert.
THE DOCTOR (Shocked.)
Sea…?
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Doctor, I thought you said this was Brighton Beach?
THE DOCTOR
It is?
TURDLOW (Doubtful.)
Then where’s the ocean?
The Doctor looks about slowly.
360 PAN ROUND to show red sand to the horizon in all directions.
THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, obviously the tide has gone out.
TURDLOW (Disbelief.)
The tide has gone out?
Turdlow looks about slowly.
360 PAN ROUND to show red sand to the horizon in all directions.
TURDLOW (Insistent.)
Doctor, the tide didn’t go out this far when God parted the Red Sea!
THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Trust you to bring religion into this.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then half-a-dozen Arabs race toward them riding camels and carrying rifles and long swords.
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!
The Doctor & Turdlow turn and race back into the Retardis.
The first Arab ducks his head as he rides his camel into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis disappears.
The others Arabs ride straight through where the Retardis was and keep going into the desert.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor & Turdlow at the flight consul as the Arab on the camel rides across the room.
TURDLOW (Pointing at Arab.)
Doctor?
Arab rides straight past them and out into the corridor RHS of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR
Never mind about him. Let’s just get out of here.
GALLOPING FOOTSTEPS receding into the distance.
The Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis lurches wildly, pitching the Doctor and Turdlow to the floor.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — A LITTLE LATER
Turdlow is now lying across the consul with the seat belt done up, while the Doctor adjusts the controls.
THE DOCTOR
We’re nearly there.
TURDLOW
Let me adjust the seat belt first.
THE DOCTOR (Glaring at him.)
I resent these woman-driver….
Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.
GALLOPING FOOTSTEPS approaching in corridor RHS of SHOT.
Arab races back into consul room riding camel still. He rides across consul room and straight out the doors.
EXT. M1 HIGHWAY — DAY, PEAK HOUR
The Retardis standing by the kerb as the Arab rides out and races down the highway, making the cars HONK THEIR HORNS at him.
FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.
FADE OUT:
ACT ONE:
FADE IN:
EXT. BRIGHTON BEACH — DAY
The Retardis is parked on the sand, surrounded by people enjoying the beach.
The Doctor & Turdlow step out, still dressed in beachwear, the Doctor now also carrying a parasol.
They look about the beach for a moment, and then start walking down toward the kiosk.
TURDLOW
So, Doc, what happened when the Time-Dorks chewed you out for altering time again?
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
The Time-Dorks didn’t chew me out. President Veruka just wanted my advice on how to get rid of the giant snails that had taken over the universe.
TURDLOW
After you had altered time again by killing The Mistress again, prior to having previously killed her.
THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Er, well, um, yes. But after we defeated the giant snails and freed the universe, I made them realise it wasn’t my fault.
TURDLOW (Considering a moment.)
You lied to them, in other words.
THE DOCTOR
Er, well, um, exactly.
TURDLOW
So, how exactly did you manage to finally defeat the giant snails?
THE DOCTOR
We got some giant French men to eat them all…
(Half a beat.)
With giant garlic bread and chilled Chardonnay.
The Doctor keeps walking toward the kiosk; but Turdlow stops and stares after her.
TURDLOW (Indignant.)
Doctor, you can’t possibly think I’m dumb enough to believe that!
THE DOCTOR (Innocent.)
Oh, can’t I…?
(Half a beat.)
I mean, no, of course I can’t.
Turdlow continues to glare at her for a moment, then turns and walks back toward the Retardis.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
Turdlow walks in from doors LHS of SHOT.
TURDLOW (Mumbling to himself.)
They got some giant French men to eat them all with giant garlic bread and chilled Chardonnay. God she has great respect for my I.Q.
He starts fiddling with the Retardis controls and after a moment a large viewer screen on the wall behind him comes on to show people playing on the sand and swimming in the sea.
In the distance a faint speck is bobbing about in the water.
TURDLOW (Peering at viewer screen.)
What is that, a shark?
He starts adjusting consul controls so viewer will focus in on the object.
EXT. BRIGHTON BEACH — DAY — PEOPLE SWIMMING
in the distance a young Vietnamese girl, Swan-Li is bobbing about, clearly out of her depths.
SWAN-LI is about sixteen, short, a bit of a bimbo, but braver than some of the Doctor’s other companions.
SWAN-LI (Shouting.)
Help! Someone help me!
She swallows some water and starts to sink.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TURDLOW
watching Swan-Li on viewer screen.
TURDLOW (Shaking head.)
Chicks, they can’t even go for a swim without getting into trouble.
He races across to the door and out of the Retardis.
EXT. BEACH — DAY — TURDLOW
races out of the Retardis and across to the water.
EXT. OCEAN — DAY — SWAN-LI
is going down for the count when Turdlow reaches her.
He grabs her around the chest, turns over onto his back to support her head above water and starts slowly paddling back to shore.
EXT. BEACH — DAY — TURDLOW & SWAN-LI
reach the shallow water.
Turdlow picks up Swan-Li and carries her across to the sand and into the Retardis.
EXT. BEACH, NEAR KIOSK — DAY — THE DOCTOR
is sitting on a collapsible chair beside a round table, with a large beach umbrella shading her.
She is wearing dark sunglasses and sipping coffee.
Turdlow walks up the beach from LHS of SHOT scanning his head left to right along the beach looking for someone.
Seeing the Doctor he races across to her.
TURDLOW
Doctor?
THE DOCTOR (Without looking up.)
Yes?
TURDLOW
I’ve just picked up a young Asian girl.
THE DOCTOR (Annoyed.)
Well, good luck to you. Get inside her as soon as you can.
(She sips her coffee.)
Why are you telling me? Your sexual habits are of no interest to me. I’m not the U.S. Congress. I don’t spend forty-million dollars of taxpayer’s money impeaching people over their sexual conquests.
TURDLOW (Frustrated.)
No, no, you ginger-headed geekess. I meant she was drowning and I saved her.
THE DOCTOR (Removing her sunglasses.)
Well, where is she now?
TURDLOW
She’s relaxing in Petite Toots’s old room.
THE DOCTOR (Standing.)
Oh, I see. Perhaps I’d better find out how she is.
TURDLOW
Don’t ask me, I haven’t had her yet.
THE DOCTOR (Glaring at him.)
Shut up, and lead the way.
They start off down the beach to LHS of SHOT at a fast walk.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — SWAN-LI
still in a swimsuit is looking about the consul room in amazement.
SWAN-LI (Amazed.)
Where the hell am I?
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Turdlow and the Doctor enter through doors LHS of SHOT.
Swan-Li backs away in fright as she sees them.
SWAN-LI
Who…
(Half a beat.)
Who are you people, and what am I doing here.
TURDLOW
My name is Turdlow.
(Pointing at her.)
And the redhead with the terrible dress-sense is called Sarah Ferguson…
(Half a beat.)
I mean, the Doctor.
He holds his right hand out toward Swan-Li, but she backs away toward the viewer-screen.
THE DOCTOR (Glaring at him.)
How dare you…?
(Half a beat.)
I always thought Sarah Ferguson had great dress sense.
TURDLOW (To Swan-Li)
That explains everything.
THE DOCTOR (Glaring at him.)
How dare you…?
SWAN-LI
What is this place, and how did I get here?
TURDLOW
You were drowning, so I saved you and carried you in here.
SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, I remember now. I had gone out too far and couldn’t get back to shore. I called and called for help. But no one seemed to hear me.
(Half a beat.)
Then I remember you grabbing me by the breasts and starting to drag me towards shore.
The Doctor turns to stare at Turdlow.
TURDLOW (Defensive.)
Hey they were her most prominent features; no naturally I grabbed them.
THE DOCTOR
It wouldn’t have mattered if she were built like Twiggy, you still would have grabbed her there.
Turdlow looks indignant, but doesn’t dare refute this.
THE DOCTOR (To Swan-Li/Waving hands round.)
This is the Retardis. My time-and-space machine.
SWAN-LI (Disbelief.)
Your time-and-space machine?
The Doctor walks across to the consul and operates a few controls.
THE DOCTOR
Yes, see that’s the viewer-screen behind you.
As it activates Swan-Li turns around and peers out.
On the screen for just a second is the hideous face of a green dinosaur.
SWAN-LI (Pointing at screen.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
What’s wrong.
Turdlow & the Doctor look at the screen on which can now be seen the ocean.
SWAN-LI (Hysterical.)
Oh my God, I just saw a horrible face looking back at me.
THE DOCTOR
Then shut your vanity case.
TURDLOW
Yes, you can take modesty too far you know.
SWAN-LI (Frustrated.)
No, I meant I saw a dinosaur.
The Doctor & Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.
THE DOCTOR (Disbelief.)
A dinosaur?
TURDLOW
Here, on Brighton beach?
THE DOCTOR
Don’t be silly, they’re out of season.
SWAN-LI (Angry.)
Don’t patronise me, I tell you I saw a dinosaur on that screen thing.
(Pointing at it.)
THE DOCTOR
Don’t be ridiculous. That would violate the known Laws of Nature…
(Half a beat.)
Which by their very nature are inviolable…
(Half a beat.)
That’s why they’re called the Laws of Nature.
SWAN-LI
I don’t care! I tell you I saw a giant dinosaur look at me through that screen thing.
(Pointing at viewer screen.)
THE DOCTOR
But you…
(Frustrated sigh.)
Oh, all right, I’ll prove it to you. Come on, Turdlow, let’s go find the dinosaur.
Chuckling at Swan-Li’s expense, Turdlow & the Doctor head across toward the door LHS of SHOT.
After a moment’s hesitation, Swan-Li follows them.
EXT. BEACH, NEAR RETARDIS — DAY — THE DOCTOR,
Turdlow, and Swan-Li step out and start walking along
the beach, back toward the kiosk.
In front of them people are still relaxing on the beach.
THE DOCTOR (Pointing at them.)
See, now would people be lazing on the sun and building sand castles if there was a giant, green dino…?
LOUD THUMP! THUMP! THUMPING! and they are thrown to the sand.
People start screaming and running about wildly.
TURDLOW (Terrified.)
Oh my God, an Earthquake!
THE DOCTOR
Let’s get back to the Retardis.
They climb to their feet with difficulty and turn round and see the head of a giant, green dinosaur leaning over the Retardis, glaring at them.
SWAN-LI (Smugly.)
See, I told you it was a giant, green dinosaur.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up gloating, and…
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
chicken out everybody!
The Doctor and Swan-Li spin round and see Turdlow running for his life fifty metres ahead of them.
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Wait for us, you great, hairy coward!
The Doctor and Swan-Li start running after Turdlow.
The dinosaur races around the Retardis and starts loping after them.
SWAN-LI
Oh my God, I never was very good at running.
THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry…
(Pointing.)
If we can reach the car park it won’t be able to fit between the cars and we can lose it.
However the dinosaur is much too fast and circles round the side of them to get in front of them, cutting off their escape.
TURDLOW
Oh my God, we can’t get past it.
THE DOCTOR (Between pants.)
We’ll have to try to get back to the Retardis.
SWAN-LI (Between pants.)
Don’t run. Try backing up slowly. Then maybe it’ll lose interest in us.
TURDLOW
And chase after the others.
He points past dinosaur to where other people are screaming and running for the car park.
THE DOCTOR
Good idea. If we sacrifice them, maybe we can get away alive.
The Doctor, Turdlow, & Swan-Li start slowly backing up toward the Retardis.
At first the dinosaur watches them in amazement.
Then after a moment, BELLOWING IN ANGER it starts toward them again.
SWAN-LI
Oh my God, it isn’t going to work.
Swan-Li and the Doctor increase their speed, but Turdlow stands staring at the dinosaur.
THE DOCTOR
Don’t just stand there, Turdlow.
SWAN-LI
Oh God, he’s frozen from terror.
TURDLOW
No, I haven’t.
(Peering at dinosaur.)
Oh my God, Doctor, I think this is Fido.
Dinosaur BELLOWS again and starts toward him.
SWAN-LI (Amazed.)
Fido?
The Doctor starts slowly back toward Turdlow.
TURDLOW
That’s the name we gave to a small dinosaur-like creature we befriended recently on the planet where we dumped Petite Toots and Megan.
THE DOCTOR (Peering at dinosaur.)
My God, Turdlow, you could be right.
The Doctor tentatively approaches the dinosaur, holding her right hand out toward it.
THE DOCTOR
Here, boy. Here, Fido.
Dinosaur BELLOWS again and starts toward the Doctor.
SWAN-LI (Hysterical.)
Oh no, it’s going to attack her.
THE DOCTOR
Here, Fido, it’s me. It’s the Doctor.
Dinosaur peers down at the Doctor.
INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS &
Turdlow walking along.
TURDLOW
Are you sure it’s safe to be this far out into the forest, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Have I ever needlessly led you two into danger?
Petite Toots and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.
PETITE TOOTS
Is she kiddin’ or what?
TURDLOW
Your guess is as good as mine.
THE DOCTOR
Er, well, okay, so maybe I have in the past. But Megan said there is no dangerous plant or animal life on this planet.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS RHS of SHOT.
The Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow look round and see a five-foot tall, dinosaur-like creature staring at them.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, what’ll we do?
TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!
He turns and races out of SHOT to LHS.
PETITE TOOTS
My hero!
THE DOCTOR
Shut up! This time he’s right.
The Doctor charges after Turdlow, with Petite Toots running behind the Doctor.
The dinosaur looks surprised for a second, then it goes bounding through the brush after them.
INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
EXT. FOREST — DAY — TURDLOW, THE DOCTOR, &
Petite Toots racing through the forest from RHS of SHOT.
HEAVY FOOTSTEPS LOPING behind them.
PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Hurry, Doctor, it’s gaining on us.
MOVING SHOT following them as they run for a moment.
The dinosaur is now rapidly gaining on them.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, it’s gaining on us, I tell you!
In the forest not far ahead of them is a cave mouth.
THE DOCTOR (Pointing at cave mouth.)
Head for that cave.
PETITE TOOTS
But then we’ll be trapped!
THE DOCTOR
Calm down. With any luck it’ll be too large to get into the cave.
TURDLOW
Or we’ll lose it in tunnels in there.
INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT./EXT. CAVE/FOREST — DARK/DAY — TURDLOW
races into the cave, followed by Petite Toots then the Doctor.
They stop for a moment, panting furiously, to recover their breaths.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS LOPING toward the cave, then the dinosaur can be seen approaching them.
TURDLOW
Oh no, it’s coming toward the cave.
PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Doctor, we’re gonna be trapped in here, you great dingle.
Turdlow and the Doctor start looking about the cave, trying to see in the darkness as the dinosaur grows larger until it is almost filling the cave mouth.
TURDLOW (Pointing deeper into cave.)
There seem to be some tunnels back here.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, let’s go.
Petite Toots and Turdlow start off toward the rear of the cave, with the Doctor not far behind them.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS VERY LOUD as the dinosaur reaches the cave mouth and enters the cave.
It stops and looks about the cave for a moment in wonder, then seeing movement it lets out a SHRILL BELLOW and starts loping ungainfully toward the back of the cave after the Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow.
INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT. TUNNEL IN CAVE — DARK — PETITE TOOTS
now at the front of the procession as they run.
PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Oh no, it’s still coming after us.
TURDLOW
Shut up panicking and run for that tunnel.
Turdlow points at a tunnel mouth ahead of them.
Petite Toots, Turdlow, and the Doctor charge toward the tunnel opening, all now panting again from exhaustion.
INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT. TUNNEL MOUTH — DARK — PETITE TOOTS, TURDLOW,
then the Doctor race in through the tunnel mouth and grind to a halt as they find themselves in a cul-de-sac.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS behind them and they see the dinosaur go straight past the cul-de-sac.
INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT. TUNNEL RUNNING PAST CUL-DE-SAC — DARK
Dinosaur walks straight past the cul-de-sac, stops and looks about the tunnel for a moment in obvious dismay.
It lets out a SHRILL BELLOW and starts deeper into the cave.
PETITE TOOTS O/S
Phew, it’s gone straight past.
TURDLOW O/S
Quiet, dingle, it’ll hear you!
Dinosaur stops and looks round.
Although it is a tight-fit in the tunnel, it manages to turn round and head back toward the cul-de-sac.
INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
INT. CUL-DE-SAC — DARK — PETITE TOOTS, TURDLOW, &
the Doctor listening to approaching footsteps.
After a second the dinosaur’s head comes back into view.
Dinosaur BELLOWS in pleasure as it sees them and starts into the cul-de-sac after them.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Oh no it must have heard me!
Dinosaur squeezes into the cul-de-sac then races across toward them.
Ignoring Petite Toots and Turdlow, the dinosaur races up to the Doctor who backs up till she is hard against the cave wall.
BELLOWING again in pleasure the dinosaur leaps up onto its hind legs until it is face to face with the Doctor.
Petite Toots screams.
The dinosaur opens its jaws wide, and a long tongue flicks out and starts furiously licking the Doctor’s face. Hard enough to make her head knock against the dirt wall behind her.
THE DOCTOR
Something tells me this is this planet’s equivalent of an over-friendly dog.
The dinosaur starts rubbing itself against her legs.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Stop that, you prehistoric pervert!
INSERT — FROM “QUEEN OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE”:
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS, &
Turdlow are walking through the forest with the dinosaur in tow.
The dinosaur suddenly slams its snout into the Doctor’s behind.
THE DOCTOR (Hitting it away.)
Stop that you oversexed reject from Jurassic Park!
EXT. BRIGHTON BEACH — DAY — FIDO
peering at the Doctor.
He BELLOWS again, this time obviously from pleasure.
THE DOCTOR
You were right, Turdlow, it is Fido.
Fido starts wagging his tail, which THUMP! THUMP! THUMPS! on the beach shattering beach tables and beach huts, and making people fall over or run screaming away from terror.
THE DOCTOR
Good boy, Fido.
Fido opens his mouth and his enormous tongue flicks out to lick along the Doctor from her feet up, lifting her up into the air and sending her flying down the beach.
The Doctor screams and goes flying down the beach toward the Retardis.
SWAN-LI
Jesus, he’s a powerful licker.
TURDLOW
And Fred Flintstone thought he had it bad with Dino.
The Doctor crashes down onto the roof of the Retardis, then falls to the sand.
Swan-Li and Turdlow go racing down the beach toward the Retardis, with Fido in pursuit, BELLOWING in pleasure.
Swan-Li and Turdlow grab the Doctor by the elbows and help her back to her feet.
THE DOCTOR
Come on everybody, let’s get inside the Retardis before he kills us with kindness.
Fido licks the Doctor again and sends her flying over the Retardis, screaming until she crashes to the sand again.
Swan-Li & Turdlow race around the Retardis to help the Doctor to her feet again.
The Doctor is coated head to foot in dinosaur spit and sand.
SWAN-LI (Disgusted.)
Oooo, yucky, she’s all slimy.
TURDLOW
Let’s help her inside the Retardis and she can have a hot shower…
(Half a beat.)
Then burn her clothing.
Turdlow & Swan-Li have to hold up the Doctor as they walk her round to the front of the Retardis and start toward the doors again.
Fido BELLOWS in pleasure again and butts his snout into the Doctor’s bottom.
The Doctor screams and goes flying into the Retardis.
TURDLOW
Come on, Swan-Li.
They race into the Retardis after the Doctor.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor slides across the floor as Turdlow and Swan-Li race in through the doors LHS of SHOT.
The Doctor slides out through the door into the corridor RHS of SHOT, still screaming.
SWAN-LI (Pointing.)
Come on, there she goes.
Swan-Li and Turdlow race across the consul room and run out into the corridor after the Doctor.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor slides out of the consul room, still screaming and slides down the corridor deeper into the Retardis.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Swan-Li & Turdlow race out of the consul room and start down the corridor after the Doctor.
BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
Swan-Li & Turdlow running down the first corridor a long way behind the Doctor who is still screaming as she slides down the corridor ahead of them.
Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a second corridor a long way behind the Doctor who is still screaming as she slides down the corridor ahead of them.
Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor past a T-junction, still a long way behind the Doctor who is still screaming as she slides down the corridor ahead of them.
Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a fourth corridor a long way behind the Doctor who is still screaming as she slides down the corridor ahead of them.
Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor past an X-junction, still a way behind the Doctor who is screaming as she slides down the corridor.
END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT
Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor toward an open door, still a long way behind the Doctor.
Still screaming, the Doctor slides into the room with Swan-Li and Turdlow still well behind her.
LOUD CRASH and OBJECTS SCATTERING.
SWAN-LI (Pointing.)
Come on, she slid into that room.
Swan-Li and Turdlow race into the room.
INT. THE DOCTOR’S BEDROOM — LIT — SWAN-LI & TURDLOW
race into the room and stop and look about.
There is an upended coffee table near the bed with bric-a-brac spilt across the floor. Beside it lies a small, upended bookcase and a dozen or so books are scattered across the floor.
The Doctor’s legs and rear-end are sticking out from under her bed.
TURDLOW (Pointing.)
There she is.
Swan-Li and Turdlow race over and grab the Doctor’s legs and pull her out from under the bed.
SWAN-LI
Doctor, are you all right?
THE DOCTOR (Weakly.)
Remind me to kill Fido when I see him next.
TURDLOW
In some ways an over-friendly dinosaur is more dangerous than an aggressive one.
The Retardis suddenly starts rocking wildly.
SWAN-LI (Alarmed.)
What the hell is that?
TURDLOW
Hold on, I’ll check.
He holds up a small handset and pushes some buttons, a flat PC screen drops from the ceiling near the bed.
EXT. BEACH, OUTSIDE THE RETARDIS — DAY
Fido is holding onto the Retardis and rubbing his loins furiously against it, while spectators watch in shock.
A policeman races up and points a gun at Fido.
COP
This orta take care of that monster.
Fido’s tongue flicks out and licks Cop from the feet up, sending him flying back down the beach, screaming.
Fido starts wagging his tail, which THUMP! THUMP! THUMPS! on the beach shattering beach tables and beach huts, and making people fall over or run screaming away from terror.
Finally he grabs the Retardis and starts trying to have sex with it again.
INT./EXT. THE DOCTOR’S BEDROOM/OUTSIDE RETARDIS —
LIT/DAY
The Doctor, Swan-Li and Turdlow are watching Fido shag the Retardis on the PC screen.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Stop that you primaeval pervert.
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
But, Doctor, how come Fido is so humungous. He was only five foot tall the last time we saw him.
SWAN-LI
Possibly he was only a baby then?
THE DOCTOR
No, Megan would have told us if there were thirty-foot tall dinosaurs on her planet. She expressly said there were no dangerous creatures on the planet. Dinosaurs that size would be dangerous even if they are friendly.
TURDLOW
Then what?
THE DOCTOR
The Mistress.
TURDLOW (Inspiration-struck.)
Of course.
SWAN-LI
Who?
THE DOCTOR
The Mistress is an evil Time-Dork, Originally she was a man, the Master. As the Master she had the ability to greatly shrink living tissue.
(Considering a moment.)
I wonder if she now can also make it expand in size?
INT. EUNUCH HQ, LONDON — DAY — BRIGADIER’S OFFICE
The Brigadier is seated at his desk talking on the phone, while Jayne Grunt, Private Wilson, & Captain Mike Bates stand around listening.
BRIGADIER is grey-haired, with a bushy moustache. He is a primly proper, no-nonsense type who has been working with the Doctor off and on for decades.
JAYNE GRUNT is a young, blonde airhead bimbo who idolises the Doctor for her intelligence.
PRIVATE WILSON is a stiffly correct military type.
MIKE BATES is in his early thirties, a bit of a stiff military type, but more of a thinker than the Brigadier or Private Wilson.
BRIGADIER (Between laughter.)
No, no, Prime Minister, I assure you these reports of giant dinosaurs roaming the length and breadth of the British Isles are absolutely laughable.
Dinosaur BELLOWING O/S then CRASHING as part of the wall starts to collapse.
Jayne Grunt, Private Wilson, and Bates race aside in terror as a giant dinosaur lumbers through the wall of the office.
The dinosaur lumbers across the room, them walks straight through the next wall and deeper into the building.
BRIGADIER (Looking about the ruins of his office.)
On the other hand, Prime Minister, who am I to laugh at other people’s fears?
SCREAMING O/S deeper in building and CRASHING as dinosaur lumbers through walls.
INT. TEN DOWNING STREET, PM’S OFFICE — DAY
PM talking on the phone.
(INTERCUT PHONE SEQUENCE.)
THE PRIME MINISTER
Well, what are you planning to do about it, Brigadier?
BRIGADIER
Don’t worry, PM, I’ll put my best man onto these reports immediately.
THE PRIME MINISTER
Very well, Brigadier, keep me informed of any developments.
BRIGADIER
Will do, Prime Minister.
Brigadier hangs up the phone.
JAYNE GRUNT
Who are you planning to put on it, Brigadier?
BRIGADIER
The Doctor, of course.
JAYNE GRUNT (Puzzled.)
The Doctor is your best Man?
(She looks Private Wilson & Captain Bates up and down.)
Yes, I see what you mean actually.
Wilson and Bates both glare at her.
SCREAMING O/S deeper in building and CRASHING as dinosaur lumbers through walls, then gunfire outside the building.
BRIGADIER
Captain Bates, you and Private Wilson get outside and direct the operation against that thing.
CAPTAIN BATES (Under breath.)
While you skulk in here where it’s safe.
BRIGADIER (Angry.)
No, while I try to track down the Doctor.
JAYNE GRUNT
Well, hop to it you two.
Wilson & Bates turn round to glare at her for a second, then head out through the dinosaur’s entrance hole in the wall.
BRIGADIER
You might as well go with them, Jayne.
JAYNE GRUNT
Can’t I skulk in here where it’s safe too?
BRIGADIER (Angry.)
I am not skulking in here where it’s safe. Now get outside and help Bates and Wilson.
JAYNE GRUNT (Saluting.)
Yes, sir.
She walks off, mumbling as she goes.
INT. THE DOCTOR’S BEDROOM — LIT
Swan-Li AND Turdlow are sitting on the bed waiting for the Doctor.
RUNNING SHOWER in a small en-suite.
Water stops running, then sound of the Doctor DRYING HERSELF THEN DRESSING.
The en-suite door opens and the Doctor steps out now wearing a different dress, with a towel wrapped round her hair.
THE DOCTOR
I feel almost human again.
TURDLOW
If only you looked almost human.
On the screen Fido tries to shag the Retardis.
THE DOCTOR
Stop that you reject from Jurassic Park!
She races out door LHS of SHOT into the corridor.
BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
The Doctor and her companions running down a corridor past an X-junction.
The Doctor and her companions running down another corridor.
The Doctor and her companions running down a corridor past a T-junction.
The Doctor and her companions running down another corridor.
The Doctor and her companions running down another corridor to LHS of SHOT.
The Doctor and her companions running down a corridor toward an open door.
END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor and her companions running in from corridor RHS of SHOT and race across the consul room.
TURDLOW
Doc, are you sure this is a good idea?
SWAN-LI
Yeah, Fido might be friendly, but he’s so big he could hurt us without meaning to.
THE DOCTOR
Trust me, have you ever known me to be wrong?
Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.
SWAN-LI
No, Doc, never.
THE DOCTOR (Smiling broadly.)
Good.
TURDLOW
On the other hand, we’ve never known you to be right either.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, and follow me!
The Doctor turns the red knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.
EXT. LAWNS OUTSIDE EUNUCH HQ, LONDON — DAY
Jayne Grunt, Wilson, & Bates are directing about a dozen armed soldiers.
JAYNE GRUNT
It’s no good, we’ll never stop them.
PRIVATE WILSON
She’s right.
CAPTAIN BATES
Very well…
(Cupping hands over mouth/ Shouting.)
Chicken out and run away!
The soldiers drop their weapons and scatter in all directions.
MOVING SHOT following Wilson and Jayne Grunt as they run toward a corner of the building.
EXT. EUNUCH HQ, AROUND CORNER — DAY
Jayne Grunt and Wilson race around the corner and run straight into a giant pile of sloppy, pale pink matter.
JAYNE GRUNT (Looking down at herself.)
Oh no, I’m coated in dinosaur pooh.
Wilson holds some of the pink matter up to his nose and sniffs it, then tentatively tastes it.
PRIVATE WILSON
No, you haven’t; it’s strawberry ice cream.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TURDLOW &
Swan-Li standing near flight consul waiting.
After a moment the Doctor enters through the door LHS of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR
I think I’ve calmed the prehistoric pervert down a little.
BELL STARTS ECHOING FROM DEEP within the Retardis.
SWAN-LI
What the hell is that?
THE DOCTOR
It’s the closter bell. It means some great disaster is imminent
SWAN-LI
Well, for God’s sake turn it off, it’s giving me a headache.
Turdlow holds up the small handset and pushes a button and the bell stops ringing.
TURDLOW
Doc, I thought you said you were going to dismantle the closter bell?
THE DOCTOR
I’ve been meaning to, but I never seem to get around to it.
The video screen on the wall behind the consul suddenly activates and we see the Brigadier sitting among the wreckage of his office, surrounded by Jayne Grunt, Bates, and Wilson.
INT. EUNUCH HQ, LONDON — DAY — BRIGADIER’S OFFICE
The Brigadier talking on the phone.
(INTERCUT PHONE SEQUENCE.)
BRIGADIER
We seem to have a bit of a problem, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
So what else is news?
TURDLOW
Can’t you idiots ever solve any problems without our help?
BRIGADIER
A little matter of some dinosaurs lumbering around the British Isles.
THE DOCTOR
Yes, we’ve seen one.
TURDLOW
Fido.
BRIGADIER (Puzzled.)
Pardon?
SWAN-LI
That’s the name they gave to a dinosaur they befriended on some planet.
JAYNE GRUNT
But, Doc, I thought you told us Fido was only five or six feet tall?
THE DOCTOR
Someone must have found a way to expand living tissue. My guess is the Mistress.
BRIGADIER
Well, guess again, Doctor.
(Holding up glass canister of slimy, pink matter.)
We’ve found great piles of this around the sites of each dinosaur sighting.
INT./EXT. EUNUCH HQ — DAY — BRIGADIER’S OFFICE
The Retardis is standing in one corner of the ruins of the office, which looks out over large lawns, and the Doctor, and company are examining the pink matter.
TURDLOW (Peering down at pink matter.)
What is it, giant dinosaur pooh?
JAYNE GRUNT
No, strawberry ice cream.
TURDLOW (Unamused.)
Ha ha, very funny!
BRIGADIER
No, really, that’s what it turned out to be. Piles of strawberry ice cream.
THE DOCTOR
In that case the dinosaurs must be somehow controlled by the most evil, insidious creatures in the entire galaxy.
SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
Oh my God, the Tories are controlling giant dinosaurs.
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
No, no, dingleberry-breath. I meant the Ice-Cream Warriors.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER O/S
Good guess, Doctor.
The Doctor and the others spin round and see ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER and two other Ice-Cream Warriors.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader is a squat, dumpy creature with what looks like an ice-cream stick sticking up out of his head.
THE DOCTOR
Actually my next guess was going to be the faggeties or the Andra-Fruit Gums.
TURDLOW
Hopeless, this chick is so hopeless.
SWAN-LI (Pointing at Ice-Cream Warriors.)
Hey, who are these dingleberries?
TURDLOW
By the looks of things, the stars from the Revenge of the Nerds movies.
(Pointing at Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.)
Part one.
(Pointing at 2nd Ice-Cream-Warrior.)
Part two.
(Pointing at 3rd Ice-Cream-Warrior.)
And part three.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Now I have you where I want you, you shall all die.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader is carrying a laser rifle, which he points toward Swan-Li first.
Swan-Li screams as Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader fires.
A great mass of sloppy white matter shoots out and covers Swan-Li.
SWAN-LI
Mmmmm vanilla fudge, good.
She starts licking it off herself.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Disgusted.)
Damn these accursed Earthlings, they actually like ice cream.
2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR/2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
The Barbarians!
FADE OUT:
ACT TWO:
FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE BRIGADIER’S OFFICE — DAY — AS BEFORE
2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
Try setting it for Tutti-Frutti. That always makes them die screaming in terror.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader adjusts the laser rifle then aims it at Turdlow and fires.
A great mass of ice-cream shoots out and this time coats Turdlow who starts scooping it up and eating it.
TURDLOW
Yum yum, Tutti-Frutti, delicious.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Throwing down laser-rifle.)
Curse these barbarians, how could anyone like ice cream? The most hated substance in the known galaxy.
THE DOCTOR
I don’t suppose that thing fires butterscotch or chocolate chip?
2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR (Covering his ears with his hands.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Barbarians.
JAYNE GRUNT
Or how about raspberry or caramel toffee?
CAPTAIN BATES
Or how about banana or wild cherry?
BRIGADIER (Pulling gun out of his holster.)
Well, I don’t know what your evil plans were Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader, but since your ice-cream rifle doesn’t work against these barbarians, you are now my prisoner.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Not so fast, Brigadier.
He holds up his right hand to show he is wearing a large yellow ring on one finger. He presses a slot on the ring to reveal a red button, which he presses.
SWAN-LI
Hey he’s got a Mickey Mouse ring just like mine.
(Holding up left hand to show a gaudy ring.)
Dinosaur BELLOWING and two dinosaurs lumber into the yard and start toward the Doctor and the others.
The Doctor and the others all scream as the dinosaurs start toward them.
SWAN-LI
Doctor, do something for God’s sake.
THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry.
She starts hunting through her large cloth bag, pulling out various odds and sods.
EXT. LAWNS — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
The Doctor is still hunting through her large cloth bag.
In front of them are a surf board, ice skates, deck chairs, inflated plastic beach toys, a card table, plus various other odds and sods.
SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
I wonder what she’s looking for?
TURDLOW
With any luck, a knife?
THE DOCTOR continues to pull all manner of things out of
her cloth bag.
Until finally she pulls out a gigantic metal-tipped plastic vibrator.
THE DOCTOR (Holding dildo like knife.)
Not so fast Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader stares at the vibrator in astonishment.
THE DOCTOR (APOLOGETIC.)
Yes, I know it’s only a vibrator. But it does have a metal tip.
(To Brigadier.)
I use it when I feel like a little rough sex.
The Brigadier looks shocked and a little disgusted.
THE DOCTOR (To Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.)
And it does have a very high top setting.
The Doctor turns on the vibrator and it starts HUMMING furiously.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Run for it, she’s armed with a metal-tipped vibrator!
2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
And it’s got a very high top setting.
Ice-Cream Warriors scream, turn and run away.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor is seated at a deck chair, wearing sun glasses, and shaded by a tall sun umbrella.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Turdlow walks in from the corridor RHS of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR
Ah, Turdlow, would you mind shutting the door?
She points to the Retardis’s doors LHS of SHOT.
TURDLOW
Not at all, Doc.
He walks across to the consul and pulls the red lever and the doors shut.
THE DOCTOR
Oh, and would you mind setting in the course co-ordinates for the theatre.
TURDLOW
Sure thing, Doc.
He picks up a sheet of paper from the consul, reads it for a second, and then starts typing numbers onto a small keyboard on the Retardis’s consul.
THE DOCTOR
And would you mind fixing the damaged thermostat circuit?
She points to a circuit-board hanging part way out of the consul.
TURDLOW
Not at all.
He picks up the psychic-screwdriver from the consul and adjusts it with a WHIRRING, then goes over and starts soldering the circuit board.
After a few moments he slides the circuit board back into the consul and puts down the psychic-screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR
Oh, and would you mind…?
TURDLOW
I’ve just worked out why you always have at least two people travelling with you.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Why is that?
TURDLOW (Angry.)
Because you’re a lazy cow who likes to sit on your bum and watch other people do all the work.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
How dare you! I’d run across there and give you a clip behind the ear…
(Half a beat.)
if only I could be bothered getting up.
TURDLOW
I knew it! I knew it!
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Swan-Li walks in from the corridor RHS of SHOT.
SWAN-LI
Hello, Turdlow, Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Swan-Li, would you mind checking Turdlow soldered that circuit board properly?
SWAN-LI
Not at all, Doc.
She walks across to the consul, pulls out the circuit board and checks it over for a moment, then slides it back into the consul.
SWAN-LI
Yep, that looks fine.
THE DOCTOR
Oh and would you check the course co-ordinates are correct?
SWAN-LI
Sure thing, Doc.
She walks across to pick up the sheet of paper and starts comparing the writing to what is typed onto the PC monitor on the consul.
SWAN-LI
Yeah, these look okay.
THE DOCTOR
Oh, and would you mind…?
SWAN-LI (Indignant.)
Doctor, you’re a lazy cow! You only have us aboard the Retardis so you don’t have to do any work.
TURDLOW
That is true. That is so true. I just said that before you came in.
INT. THEATRE — STAGE LIT, REST DARK
Brigadier, Bates, and Jayne Grunt sitting together in the front row.
JAYNE GRUNT
Well, it’s about time we had a night out. I get sick of staying home and watching TV.
BRIGADIER
Quiet you blonde bimbo. We’re only here because that dinosaur squinched my office so we’ve got nowhere else to meet.
CAPTAIN BATES
So shut up and watch the show.
The Brigadier turns to glare at Bates.
BRIGADIER
We are not here to watch the show. I’ve arranged to meet the Doctor here, since we’ve got nowhere else to meet.
A buck-toothed comedian is standing on stage.
COMEDIAN
You’ve heard of Archimedes?
The audience stares at him blankly.
COMEDIAN
The chap who invented bath tubs?
CAPTAIN BATES (Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Get off!
EVERYONE IN AUDIENCE (Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Get off!
COMEDIAN (Sulky.)
Very well, I’ll get off. But I bet you wouldn’t have spoken to Archimedes like that.
He turns and walks off the back of the stage to LHS, as a young EMCEE walks on from the RHS.
EMCEE
Now the act you’ve all been waiting for.
(Waving arm toward RHS of stage.)
The exotic Turkish Delight, siren of the Far East.
BELLY DANCING MUSIC starts playing.
Emcee walks off stage to LHS as a belly dancer in a skimpy costume comes onto stage from the RHS and starts shaking about.
RUSTLING OF CLOTHING as the audience, mainly men, all sit forward to have a closer look.
CAPTAIN BATES
Now, this is more like it.
INT. BACKSTAGE — LIT
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis appears by LHS of curtain, the doors open and Swan-Li, Turdlow, then the Doctor all stroll out and look about.
TURDLOW
Did the Brigadier say why he wanted to meet us here?
THE DOCTOR
Something about his office being squinched by a dinosaur and not wanting to take me to his home in case his wife, Daisy, tries to kill him again.
SWAN-LI (Pointing at the curtain.)
I’m pretty sure it’s this way, Doctor.
Swan-Li pushes aside the curtain and storms out onto stage.
INT. THEATRE — STAGE LIT, REST DARK — AS BEFORE
Turkish Delight is still shaking her stuff on stage as the curtain pulls aside and Swan-Li storms out onto stage and collides with Turkish Delight.
SWAN-LI
Out of the way, toots.
She pushes Turkish Delight, who screams and somersaults off the front off the stage and ends up laying facedown across Captain Bates’s lap.
Bates and the Brigadier stare at the panty-clad behind of the unconscious woman for a moment, then exchange a puzzled look.
BRIGADIER (Pointing at ceiling.)
Someone up there must like you.
JAYNE GRUNT
That’s good, because no one down here does.
INT. BACKSTAGE/STAGE — LIT
The Doctor and Turdlow can see Swan-Li through a slit in the curtain.
THE DOCTOR
No, dingle, that’s the stage.
Swan-Li stares at the audience in terror.
SWAN-LI
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
She turns and races back over to the Doctor and Turdlow behind the stage.
TURDLOW
It’s this way.
(Pointing toward steps leading down LHS of stage.)
The Doctor, Swan-Li, & Turdlow start down the steps.
INT. THEATRE — STAGE LIT, REST DARK — AS BEFORE,
Turkish Delight still lying across Bates’s lap.
The Doctor and her companions walk down steps beside LHS of stage and stop for a moment to let their eyes adjust to the dark.
TURDLOW (Pointing to RHS.)
There’s Captain Bates & the Brig.
The Doctor, Swan-Li and Turdlow walk over and sit next to Captain Bates.
SWAN-LI (Staring at stage.)
So what’s the show?
The Doctor points toward a sign near steps.
THE DOCTOR
It says “The exotic Turkish Delight, belly dancer extraordinaire”.
TURDLOW (Looking about.)
Where? I don’t see any belly dancer.
SWAN-LI (Pointing.)
There’s one lying across Captain Bates’s lap.
The Doctor & Turdlow both stare at Turkish Delight.
THE DOCTOR
What’s she doing there?
(Glaring at Bates.)
Or shouldn’t I ask, you pervert?
CAPTAIN BATES
You lot decked her and pushed her off the edge of the stage.
The Doctor & her companions all look embarrassed.
SWAN-LI
Whoops.
The Doctor races over and starts trying to revive Turkish Delight.
THE DOCTOR
Come on Turkish Delight, wakey-wakey.
She starts patting Turkish Delight’s left hand, then lightly slapping her face.
SWAN-LI
Yeah, it isn’t that high a stage.
THE DOCTOR
Wakey-wakey Turkish Delight…
(Half a beat.)
Or may I call you Turk for short?
TURDLOW (Patting Turkish Delight’s right hand.)
Wake up, Turk.
SWAN-LI
She’s out like a light in parliament. What’ll we do, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
We’ll have to get her back up on stage.
The Doctor and Turdlow lift up Turkish Delight and hold her up with her arms across their shoulders and start to half-carry, half drag her toward the steps.
With Swan-Li following, they drag Turkish Delight up the steps and out onto the stage.
TURDLOW
Come on, Turk, people have paid to see you belly dancing.
SWAN-LI
Okay, so they’re mainly raincoat-clad perverts. Still they have paid their money, so how about dancing for them?
THE DOCTOR
Come on, Turk, just swing your arse a bit from side to side.
SWAN-LI
Jesus, she’s got enough of it.
TURDLOW
Yeah, even the Doc’s humungous bum has nothing on this chick.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up and help me to get her dancing.
With the Doctor and Turdlow holding Turkish Delight up, Swan-Li holds her hips and tries to get them swaying from side to side.
SWAN-LI
I think she’s getting the hang of it now.
THE DOCTOR
Just keep her hips wiggling, while Turdlow and I move her from side to side a bit.
Turdlow & the Doctor start shuffling from side to side dragging the unconscious Turkish Delight with them, while Swan-Li tries to get her hips to sway about.
1ST MAN IN AUDIENCE (Shouting.)
Get off stage.
2ND MAN IN AUDIENCE (Shouting.)
I want my money back.
3RD MAN IN AUDIENCE (Shouting.)
Yeah, this is the most hopeless belly dancing I’ve ever seen.
CAPTAIN BATES
That’s the Doctor for you. She’s the only person I know who could start a riot at a belly dancing show.
EXT. R.A.F. BASE, RUNWAY — DAY
A transport plane is being unloaded of heavy equipment, including a fearsome looking missile-&-launcher.
ALARMS start blaring and soldiers look round startled.
Dinosaur BELLOWING, then dinosaurs appear and the soldiers run away screaming.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and two Ice-Cream Warriors appear and stand looking at the rocket-launcher.
2ND ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
Your plan has worked brilliantly, leader.
INT. THEATRE — STAGE LIT, REST DARK — AS BEFORE
The Doctor, Turdlow and Swan-Li still trying to help Turkish Delight to dance.
Turkish Delight starts to moan and slowly revive.
THE DOCTOR
Thata girl, Turk.
Turkish Delight opens her eyes and looks about in amazement at first Turdlow then the Doctor.
TURKISH DELIGHT
Hey, what are you two perverts doing?
SWAN-LI
I think she’s awake now.
TURDLOW
Thank God, she was getting heavy.
THE DOCTOR
I guess she can make it on her own now.
They release Turkish Delight who screams and CRASHES to the stage, knocking herself out again.
SWAN-LI
Whoops, here we go again.
MOBILE PHONE RINGING in audience.
Jayne Grunt, Bates and the Brigadier all pull out mobile phones and talk into them.
BRIGADIER
That’s all right, it’s mine.
(Into phone.)
Yes, this is Brigadier Rightbridge-Stupid…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, okay. Yes, right.
He turns off the mobile phone as the Doctor and Turdlow pick up Turkish Delight again.
BRIGADIER
Doctor, that was the PM, the Ice-Cream Warriors attacked R.A.F. Base Heathcliffe and stole a nuclear warhead.
THE DOCTOR
Oh my God!
The Doctor and Turdlow release Turkish Delight who hits the stage with a BONE-JARRING CRUNCH.
SWAN-LI
Double-whoops.
THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry about her, this is too important to waste time.
The Doctor and her companions race toward the steps as the Brigadier and the others approach.
BRIGADIER (Holding up mobile phone.)
I’ll just phone for a car.
THE DOCTOR
No time, we’ll take the Retardis. It’ll be much faster.
JAYNE GRUNT
I hope you know what you’re doing, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Have you ever known me to be wrong?
SWAN-LI
Are you kidding, Doc?
TURDLOW
Yeah, it’s not for nothing that they call you the goof-up from Gallafart.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up and just follow me.
The Doctor, Swan-Li, and Turdlow all race across the stage toward the curtains.
The Brigadier and the others hesitate for a moment then start after the Doctor and her companions.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor setting in the flight co-ordinates as the others watch.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, hitch up your knickers everyone.
TURDLOW/SWAN-LI
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
They race across and leap up onto the flight consul.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Shut up being sarky and just watch me set in the course co-ordinates and start ‘er up and you might both learn something.
The Doctor pushes a few buttons, then pulls a lever.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.
The Retardis lurches violently and they are all thrown to the floor.
TURDLOW/SWAN-LI/BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
JAYNE GRUNT
Doctor, you great, hairy dingleberry!
TURDLOW (Sarcastic.)
Well, Swan-Li, did you learn anything from that?
SWAN-LI
I certainly did.
BRIGADIER (Puzzled.)
Oh really? What was that?
SWAN-LI
I learnt never to let the Doc set in the course co-ordinates and start ‘er up.
EXT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE — DAY — DIRT VERGE
surrounded by tall wire mesh fence. On the fence is a sign warning the fence is electrified.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis appears, the doors open and the Doctor and the others walk outside and walk over to the fence.
BRIGADIER
Doctor, you great dingle, you’ve landed the wrong side of the boundary fence.
SWAN-LI
It’s not that high, can’t we climb over?
TURDLOW (Pointing at warning sign.)
As long as you go first.
CAPTAIN BATES
Then how will we get over?
They start looking around the boundary and see a cherry picker parked a few metres away LHS of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR (Pointing at cherry-picker.)
Well, if Turdlow, the little thief, can jump-start that thing it might be able to lift us over.
CAPTAIN BATES
What do you think, Turdlow…
(Half a beat.)
You little thief?
TURDLOW
I’ll give it a try.
They walk across toward the cherry picker with Turdlow in the lead.
Turdlow takes a lock-pick from one of his pockets.
TURDLOW
Mind you I haven’t had much experience at this sort of thing.
SWAN-LI (Sarcastic.)
Oh no, of course not.
Turdlow places the picklock into the door lock, clicks it round one or twice, then opens the door.
BRIGADIER
Yes, so we see, not much experience.
TURDLOW
Just luck, it’ll take hours for me to get the cherry picker started.
He climbs into the cabin of the cherry picker, sticks the picklock into the lock and twists it round once or twice and the cherry picker ROARS into life.
The Brigadier and the others all look amazed.
CAPTAIN BATES
Brigadier, I think we may have a new lead on that spate of unsolved car thefts in London last year.
BRIGADIER
Hmmm, you could be right, Captain Bates.
TURDLOW (Indignant.)
It was just a lucky fluke, I swear I’ve never done this sort of thing before.
The Doctor walks around to the back and steps into the cherry-picker cage.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, you despicable little thief, and just lift me above the level of the fence.
JAYNE GRUNT
And take care not to let that thing touch the fence, or Doc will get zapped.
TURDLOW
Okay, but I warn you I’ve never operated one of these things before.
Turdlow works a couple of levers and the cherry picker smoothly ascends until the cage is a metre or so above the fence.
Turdlow operates a second lever and the cage extends out well across the fence.
CAPTAIN BATES
I think we may also have a new lead on those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.
BRIGADIER
Yes, it could bear looking into further.
TURDLOW (Unconvincingly.)
It’s not true, I just tried a few levers at random.
THE DOCTOR/SWAN-LI/BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES
You despicable little thief!
SWAN-LI
Ah, Doctor, just one thing, how are you going to get down on the other side of the fence, without breaking your neck?
THE DOCTOR
Like this.
The Doctor leaps out of the cage, twelve feet or more above a concrete drive.
Swan-Li screams as the Doctor leaps.
SHOT in SLO-MO as the Doctor arcs slowly down to the ground and lands gently onto the concrete.
Film speeds up to NORMAL.
SWAN-LI (Astonished.)
Doctor, how did you do that?
THE DOCTOR (Shrugging.)
A lucky jump.
TURDLOW
Like hell, you despicable liar.
CAPTAIN BATES
But how are the rest of us going to get in?
BRIGADIER
Yes, we can’t leap twelve feet onto solid concrete without breaking our necks.
CAPTAIN BATES (Pointing toward LHS of SHOT.)
We could always try using that gate.
They look round and see a mesh gate a few feet away.
THE DOCTOR
Oh yes, why didn’t I think of that?
SWAN-LI
Because you’re one major dingleberry.
Swan-Li and the others run across to the gate.
JAYNE GRUNT
Is it safe to touch it?
TURDLOW
Sure, go ahead.
Jayne Grunt reaches out and touches the mesh gate.
TURDLOW
Well, I guess it’s safe, she wasn’t zapped.
JAYNE GRUNT (Indignant.)
Hey, don’t use me as a guinea pig!
She RATTLES the gate, which is locked.
CAPTAIN BATES
Looks like you’ll have to use your picklocks again, Turdlow.
TURDLOW (Peering at lock.)
They won’t work; they’re only good for electrical vehicles.
BRIGADIER
Oh, I see!
TURDLOW
Not that I had anything to do with that spate of unsolved car thefts in London last year. Or those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.
THE DOCTOR
Like hell!
SWAN-LI/BRIGADIER/CAPTAIN BATES/JAYNE GRUNT
You despicable little thief!
SWAN-LI
Then how are we going to get in there?
JAYNE GRUNT
Allow me.
(Taking a large ring with hundreds of keys from her purse.)
One of these ought to do it.
She starts hunting through the keys.
EXT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
Jayne Grunt is trying a key in the lock.
JAYNE GRUNT
This one ought to do it.
CAPTAIN BATES
God I hope so, you’ve tried enough.
Jayne Grunt places the key in, turns it and the lock clicks open.
She pulls open the gate and they race through.
THE DOCTOR
All right, let’s go.
She starts running across the concrete.
EXT. R.A.F. BASE, RUNWAY — DAY
There are a number of half-dissolved piles of ice cream around the tarmac.
The transport plane is now empty. There is no sign of the missile-launcher, although a number of soldiers lie around the tarmac.
Two giant dinosaurs are roaming the runway, but show no interest in the Doctor and her companions as they run into SHOT from the RHS and run toward the plane.
TURDLOW
Doctor, we’re too late!
SWAN-LI
And it’s all your fault, Doc.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Just why is it my fault?
She holds up an iced donut and takes a bite.
In the b/g Turdlow, and Bates start examining the corpses of the soldiers.
JAYNE GRUNT
Well, you’re the one who insisted we stop off at the canteen en route to get some donuts and coffee.
THE DOCTOR
It’s not entirely my fault, even Time-Dorks can get hungry you know. Travelling through time and space you don’t always get a chance to stop for regular meals.
SWAN-LI
Doctor, you may have just destroyed the human race!
THE DOCTOR
Who cares?
BRIGADIER (Amazed.)
Who cares?
SWAN-LI
Yeah, you know the Doc’s motto, “Dare to be indifferent”.
Bates is now examining a young female soldier.
CAPTAIN BATES
This one is still alive.
The Doctor and the others race over to Captain Bates.
The Doctor kneels down and starts examining the young woman.
BRIGADIER
Well, what’s the verdict, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
Acute catalepsy.
JAYNE GRUNT
Will she be able to tell us which way the Ice-Cream Warriors went?
TURDLOW
No way, you heard the Doc, she’s cute and catastrophic.
SWAN-LI (Staring at Turdlow.)
Or words to that effect.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up and stop being silly, you two.
Turdlow and Swan-Li both do Nazi salutes, holding a finger up to their top lip, like a moustache.
TURDLOW/SWAN-LI
Ja wohl!
THE DOCTOR
And shut up being sarky!
Female Soldier starts to mutter something.
JAYNE GRUNT
Doctor, she’s trying to speak.
They all kneel down and the Doctor holds up her head as they listen to her.
THE DOCTOR
What is it? What can you tell us?
FEMALE SOLDIER (Whispering.)
Monsters from the Id.
The Doctor drops her head, which hits the tarmac with a THUD.
THE DOCTOR
Stupid cow’s been watching too many sci-fi flicks.
CAPTAIN BATES
So what’ll we do now?
BRIGADIER
Head back to HQ and wait for any possible leads to come in.
Dinosaur BELLOWS and starts lumbering across toward them from the lawns.
JAYNE GRUNT (Hysterical.)
Oh no, they’re attacking!
THE DOCTOR
Relax, that’s just Fido.
The Doctor suddenly looks shocked as she realises what she has said.
Seeing the Doctor, Fido starts THUMP! THUMP! THUMPING! his tail on the tarmac, sending the Doctor and her companions flying onto the sand.
JAYNE GRUNT
Oh God, he’s gonna kill us with kindness.
THE DOCTOR (Climbing back to her feet.)
Relax, I’ll calm him down.
She reaches into her giant cloth back and pulls out an enormous, yellowing bone.
THE DOCTOR (Holding up the bone.)
Here, boy, a nice crunchy bone for Fido.
Wagging his tail, Fido races over to the Doctor. His enormous tongue flicks out to lick along the Doctor from her feet up, lifting her up into the air and sending her flying across the tarmac, screaming.
EXT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE — DAY — DIRT VERGE
surrounded by tall wire mesh fence.
The Doctor crashes back down to the earth.
TURDLOW O/S (Shouting.)
Come on.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Turdlow races into SHOT from RHS, followed by the others.
Turdlow and Swan-Li race across to help the Doctor back up to her feet.
The Doctor spits out a mouthful of dirt, then rubs her arm across her mouth.
THE DOCTOR
Oh God, I’m covered from head to foot in dinosaur spit and dirt. I’ll have to take another shower.
SWAN-LI
If you keep showering so many times a day, people will start to call you Tiny Tim.
TURDLOW (Peering at the Doctor’s backside.)
Not with an arse that size, they won’t.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you!
She starts walking back to the Retardis.
BELLOWING in pleasure, Fido sticks out his tongue to lick the Doctor again.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Don’t…
(Half a beat.)
Even…
(Half a beat.)
Think about it!
Fido hides his head in his front paws and WHIMPERS as the Doctor and her companions walk past him and into the Retardis.
Look up at last, Fido wanders over to the Retardis.
He sniffs at the doorway and taps the Retardis with his nose, and the Retardis falls over backwards.
BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATESTHE DOCTOR/SWAN-LI/TURDLOW O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM/CORRIDOR — LIT
The floor is now at Ninety-Degrees.
The Doctor and the others are holding onto the flight consul, while hanging into space, hanging toward the open door to a seemingly bottomless corridor below them.
BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATESSWAN-LI/
TURDLOW
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
THE DOCTOR
Hang on, while I try to right it.
Still screaming, Swan-Li’s grip slips and she falls down the corridor seemingly miles before disappearing from sight.
Letting go with one hand, the Doctor pushes half-a-dozen buttons on the consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, and slowly the Retardis starts to swing round in an arc until the floor is beneath their feet again.
The Doctor & the others crash down to the floor.
TURDLOW
I’d better see if Swan-Li is still alive.
Standing, he heads toward the door RHS of SHOT.
EXT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE — DAY — DIRT VERGE
Looking puzzled, Fido sniffs at the doorway of the Retardis again.
EXT./INT. OUTSIDE R.A.F. BASE/CONSUL ROOM — DAY/LIT
Fido peers into the Retardis and sees the Doctor at the flight consul.
BELLOWING in delight, he taps the Retardis with his nose again.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Retardis rocks wildly for a moment, then falls over backwards again.
The Doctor, the Brigadier, Jayne Grunt & Captain Bates leap up onto the consul.
Turdlow screams and plummets down the now vertical corridor as the Doctor starts frantically working the controls again.
INT. EUNUCH HQ, LONDON — DAY — OFFICE — THE DOCTOR,
the Brigadier, Jayne Grunt, Bates, Swan-Li, Turdlow and a PERSONNEL OFFICER walk in.
PERSONNEL OFFICER is a stiffly proper, by-the-book type, carrying a clipboard.
PERSONNEL OFFICER
I’m afraid this is the best we can do as a temporary office for you, Brigadier.
BRIGADIER (Looking about.)
This will do until my own office is repaired.
PERSONNEL OFFICER
There is one other thing, Brigadier. It’s about the Doctor?
BRIGADIER
What about her?
PERSONNEL OFFICER
That’s just it, sir. Eunuch regulations require us to keep a full, up-to-date file on every one of our employees. yet we don’t even have a file on the Doctor.
BRIGADIER
Don’t worry about the Doctor. I’ll take full responsibility for her.
TURDLOW
Does that mean you take responsibility for all her monumental cock-ups?
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
What monumental cock ups? Have you ever known me to get anything wrong.
SWAN-LI (Frustrated.)
Oh God, Doctor, why don’t you ask us any easy one?
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Like what?
TURDLOW
Like have we ever known you to get anything right?
THE DOCTOR
Very well, have you ever known me to get anything right?
TURDLOW/SWAN-LI
No, never!
THE DOCTOR
How dare you!
TURDLOW
Well, you asked us, Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Only because you told me to.
PERSONNEL OFFICER
I really must fill in something about the Doctor. Who she is for instance.
TURDLOW
The Doctor isn’t a who, she’s a what.
PERSONNEL OFFICER
I beg your pardon?
THE DOCTOR
He means that I’m an alien intelligence.
PERSONNEL OFFICER
An alien intelligence, Doctor? You must be joking!
SWAN-LI
Well, she’s an alien at any rate.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, Swan-Li!
TURDLOW
Yes, one out of two ain’t bad.
THE DOCTOR
You shut up too, Turdlow!
PERSONNEL OFFICER (Insistent.)
Doctor, I really must have some of your background details.
Personnel Officer writes on a sheet on the clipboard as the Doctor speaks.
THE DOCTOR
Very well, my real name is Griggle Gleek Snooklefeld. I am about nine-hundred and fifty Earth years old. I am a Time-Dork and was born on the planet Gallafart as a man, but have regenerated eight times since then, till ending up as a woman.
(Personnel Officer stops writing and stares at her in amazement.)
I sometimes use the pseudonym Doctor Joan Smith, but am usually just called the Doctor. I travel back and forth in time in a blue police phone box and have helped the Brigadier defeat aggressive enemy aliens on numerous occasions since the mid 1960s.
PERSONNEL OFFICER (Tearing up personnel file.)
Either she’s crazy, or I am. Either way, I don’t dare let anyone else see that file. On second thoughts, Brigadier, perhaps you had better take responsibility for the Doctor.
Phone on desk rings.
Bates goes over and picks up the receiver.
CAPTAIN BATES
Eunuch HQ, Captain Bates for Brigadier Alexander Rightbridge-Stupid.
He listens for a second, then holds out the receiver toward the Brigadier.
CAPTAIN BATES
It’s the PM for you, sir.
The Brigadier strides over and grabs the receiver.
BRIGADIER (Into phone.)
Rightbridge-Stupid here, should I scramble or shall you? No, no, sir, not scrambled eggs, scramble. Would you like me to scramble. No, no, sir, scramble, not scrabble.
THE DOCTOR
What’s wrong?
BRIGADIER
The deaf old bastard says he’d rather play draughts.
(Into phone.)
No, no, PM, I said scramble, not Scrabble.
(Shouting.)
Oh, God, no!
(Calm.)
Oh God, he’s gone off again.
(He hangs up the phone.)
Damn, that’s torn it. Now he insists that we go round to Number Ten and eat some scrambled eggs while playing Scrabble. Damn, and the PM will cheat so when playing Scrabble.
JAYNE GRUNT
And he’s worse than the Yanks when it comes to making up words and changing spellings.
INT. TEN DOWNING STREET, PM’S OFFICE — DAY
The Retardis is standing in one corner.
The Brigadier, the Doctor, and a senior minister are playing Scrabble with the Prime Minister, while Jayne Grunt, Captain Bates, Swan-Li, & Turdlow watch on.
The Doctor puts down the letters DRXWQYL.
BRIGADIER
Driks-wokl? What the hell does that mean?
THE DOCTOR
It’s pronounced dracks-wekkle and is a Gallafartian word for boredom.
PM starts clapping his hands in delight.
THE PRIME MINISTER (Grinning idiotically.)
Goody! Goody! New word make Tony laugh.
He starts giggling idiotically.
The Doctor & the Brigadier exchange a puzzled look.
BRIGADIER
Looks like we’re in luck, Doctor. We seem to have caught the PM in one of his more lucid moments…
(Half a beat.)
Now would someone please wipe the dribble from his chin.
The Doctor holds out a couple of tissues and wipes down the PM’s face.
PM starts making baby-blurting noises as she wipes his chin.
INT. NUCLEAR POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM — LIT
half-a-dozen people working at PC terminals and watching various gauges.
ALARMS start blaring and FOOTSTEPS O/S.
DIRECTOR
Oh my God, what is going on?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (Checking gauges.)
I’m not sure, everything seems to be….
Door bursts open and security men burst in….
DIRECTOR
What the hell are you men doing?
SECURITY CHIEF
We’re under attack, sir.
EXPLOSION then a hole appears in the wall and Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and two Ice-Cream Warriors walk through the wall.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Do not try to resist us, ice-cream-eating barbarians, we have come to take your piles.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Gladly, they’ve been killing me lately.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
No, no, dingle, I meant your nuclear reactor piles.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Oh, well that’s different. You certainly can’t have them.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader holds up his right hand.
He presses a slot on the ring to reveal the red button, which he presses.
Dinosaur BELLOWING and two dinosaurs lumber through the wall into the control room.
The technicians and security guards scream and run away as the dinosaurs start toward them.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Smiling smugly.)
On the contrary, Earthling scum, as long as I have this ring, I can do anything.
INT. PM’S OFFICE — DAY — AS BEFORE
PHONE RINGING.
Bates picks up the receiver.
CAPTAIN BATES
Captain Bates speaking for the Prime Minister. Yes, I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, okay, I’ll tell him.
He hangs up.
BRIGADIER
What’s up now?
CAPTAIN BATES
The Ice-Cream Warriors have just attacked our newest nuclear power station.
JAYNE GRUNT (Puzzled.)
You mean the one we built forty years ago?
CAPTAIN BATES
Er, exactly.
THE DOCTOR
We’d better get down there at once.
They all race across toward the Retardis.
INT. POWER STATION, CONTROL ROOM — LIT
The room is a mess with PCs and equipment smashed, and corpses lying about the place.
There are gaping entrance and exit holes made in the wall by the dinosaurs, and two large piles of melting ice cream.
The Doctor and Turdlow are examining the reactor equipment, while the Brigadier and the others check for any survivors, other than Assistant Director and Director who both are shaky on their feet.
THE DOCTOR
The reactor core is in overload.
JAYNE GRUNT
Is that good or bad?
THE DOCTOR (Amazed.)
The nuclear reaction is building up and there’s no way to stop it.
JAYNE GRUNT (Puzzled.)
So, what are you trying to say, Doc?
SWAN-LI
Allow me, Doctor, I might be able to break it to her gently.
THE DOCTOR
Very well, Swan-Li.
Swan-Li picks up a guitar, strums it, and starts singing:
SWAN-LI (Singing.)
“Don’t they know…
(Half a beat.)
It’s the end,
Of the wor…
(Half a beat.)
Orld?”
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES/
BRIGADIER
Aaaaaaaaaaah! It’s the end of the world! It’s the end of the world!
They start racing around the room madly, screaming.
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
I thought you said you were going to break it to them gently?
SWAN-LI
No, I just wanted a vocal solo in this film.
The Doctor and Turdlow both glare at Swan-Li.
BRIGADIER
Can’t we escape in the Retardis?
THE DOCTOR
No time even for that, it’s going to blow any second now.
DIRECTOR/ASSISTANT DIRECTOR/JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES/BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/SWAN-LI/THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
ALARMS start blaring again.
VOICE OVER INTERCOM Warning! Warning the power station’s reactor core is in overload! warning this power station will blow in ten seconds…
(Half a beat.)
Ten…
(Half a beat.)
Nine…
(Half a beat.)
Eight…
(Half a beat.)
Seven…
(Half a beat.)
Six…
(Half a beat.)
Five…
(Half a beat.)
Four…
(Half a beat.)
Three…
(Half a beat.)
Two…
(Half a beat.)
One…
(Half a beat.)
Pouf!
JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES/BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/
SWAN-LI/THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
ALARM stops blaring.
THE DOCTOR (Astonished.)
Pouf! What kind of explosion is that?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Probably the only kind possible without a nuclear pile.
JAYNE GRUNT/CAPTAIN BATES/BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/
SWAN-LI/THE DOCTOR
What?
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Oh, I’m sorry, did we forget to mention that the Ice-Cream Warriors took the nuclear pile with them?
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
You great, hairy dingleberries!
TURDLOW
You mean you made me crap myself for nothing?
The Doctor and the others turn to stare at him.
TURDLOW (Embarrassed.)
Not, that I crapped myself, you understand.
The Doctor and the others back away from him.
THE DOCTOR
Come on, let’s go explore the rest of the complex for any clues to where the Ice-Cream Warriors may have gone next.
(Half a beat.)
And for God’s sake, Turdlow, go and take a shower, and change before we all gag to death.
He hangs his head in shame.
EXT. OUTSIDE COMPLEX — DAY — THE DOCTOR, SWAN-LI,
Turdlow, Jayne Grunt, Captain Bates, and the Brigadier walking between two buildings, approaching a corner.
Swan-Li is trotting a few metres ahead of the others.
THE DOCTOR
Be careful, Swan-Li, whatever you do, don’t make a sound.
SWAN-LI (Looking back.)
Trust me, Doc.
Swan-Li walks round the corner.
CRASHING as Swan-Li falls over rubbish bins.
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
I knew it, I just knew I was in trouble as soon as she said it.
TURDLOW
You sure were, Doc.
The Doctor and the others race around the corner.
EXT. COMPLEX GROUND, AROUND CORNER — DAY
The Doctor and the others run around the corner and find Swan-Li lying across some metal rubbish bins.
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
And they call me the Goof-up from Gallafart?
SWAN-LI
We sure do, Doc.
Turdlow moves forward to help Swan-Li to her feet and takes the opportunity to feel her arse.
SWAN-LI (Slapping at his hands.)
Hey, stop that!
She runs a few metres from Turdlow.
THE DOCTOR
Compared to you, subtlety is my middle name.
SWAN-LI (Disbelief.)
Who? You?
TURDLOW
Yes, it’s true, subtlety really is her middle name.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you, Turdlow.
TURDLOW
But like most people, she never uses her middle name.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you!
The Doctor turns and CRASHES into the rubbish bins herself.
JAYNE GRUNT
She was right, she is as subtle as Swan-Li.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up and help me up.
They help the Doctor to her feet and she storms past the others toward a small door.
The Doctor grabs the door handle and tries to open it.
She rattles the handle for a moment then turns toward the Brigadier who is carrying some sheaths of paper.
THE DOCTOR
What is supposed to be in here?
The Brigadier reads the number off the door, then checks his papers.
BRIGADIER
Emergency control room and access to crawl spaces.
TURDLOW
Crawl spaces?
CAPTAIN BATES
Underground tunnels connecting the various building complexes together.
The Doctor knocks on the door tentatively at first, then a little louder.
CAPTAIN BATES
Let me try, Doctor.
He walks over and THUMP! THUMP! THUMPS! a hand upon the door.
They listen for a moment, but there is only silence.
BRIGADIER
Well, we can’t wait here all day.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, Swan-Li wait here and the rest of us will go on. If anyone comes to the door call me as loud as you can.
SWAN-LI
Got you, Doc.
Leaving Swan-Li, the Doctor and the others walk on and round another corner.
EXT. COMPLEX GROUND, AROUND NEXT CORNER — DAY
The Doctor and the others walk into sight.
SWAN-LI O/S (Shouting.)
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
The Doctor and the Brigadier exchange a puzzle glance.
TURDLOW
Oy vay, dingleberries yet!
The Doctor and the others turn and run back the way they came.
EXT. COMPLEX GROUND, AROUND CORNER — DAY — SWAN-LI still waiting by the door, where a man now stands, as the Doctor and the others race back round corner toward her.
SWAN-LI (Shouting.)
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
THE DOCTOR
What are you doing, dingleberry?
SWAN-LI (Pointing at man in doorway.)
You said if anyone came to the door….
THE DOCTOR/TURDLOW/JAYNE GRUNT/BRIGADIER/CAPTAIN BATES
You were to call, “Me”.
SWAN-LI
Exactly.
The Doctor and Jayne Grunt exchange a puzzled look.
THE DOCTOR
She really is a major dingleberry.
JAYNE GRUNT (Frustrated.)
And people call me a bimbo.
THE DOCTOR/TURDLOW/SWAN-LIBRIGADIER/CAPTAIN BATES
We certainly do.
Jayne Grunt glares at them but doesn’t say anything.
MAN in doorway groans and collapses forward.
Jayne Grunt & Swan-Li scream and leap away, but Captain Bates catches Man and holds him up.
THE DOCTOR
Take him back inside.
Bates starts leading Man back into the building.
INT. EMERGENCY CONTROL ROOM — LIT
It is similar to, but much smaller than the main control room, with less controls, and only one PC monitor. It also has a full-world map taped to a white board.
Unlike the main control room, this room has not been damaged.
THE DOCTOR
Can you tell us what happened?
MAN
Those Ice-Cream Warrior creatures came here and shut down the emergency control banks.
BRIGADIER
Then what?
MAN
Nothing, they just left.
CAPTAIN BATES
They just left? Just like that?
MAN
Yes.
BRIGADIER
What can they have been playing at? They didn’t need to come here at all after smashing the main control room and taking the reactor pile.
THE DOCTOR
Did they leave any clue as to where they went?
MAN
Yes, they tacked that up.
He points to the world map on the white board.
The Doctor and the others walk over and examine the map, which has a small red X over part of the Arctic Circle.
SWAN-LI
That’s convenient. They’ve left us the location of their base in the Arctic Circle.
BRIGADIER
Rather too convenient, Swan-Li.
JAYNE GRUNT
What do you mean?
THE DOCTOR
Do the words, “They want us to walk into a trap” mean anything to you?
JAYNE GRUNT
(Considering a moment.) “They want us to walk into a trap”? “They want us to walk into a trap”?
(Shaking head.)
No, I don’t think…
(Half a beat/Inspiration-struck.)
Oh my God, they want us to walk into a trap!
CAPTAIN BATES
God this girl is fast.
THE DOCTOR (Shaking head.)
And she gets upset if we call her a bimbo.
BRIGADIER
Maybe we can still use their co-ordinates to our advantage. I’ll get on the blower to Eunuch Command, Geneva and get them to bomb the Ice-Cream Warriors’s Arctic base.
TURDLOW
And risk setting off the atomic bomb?
THE DOCTOR
He’s right.
BRIGADIER (Considering a moment.)
What we need is some counter-intelligence.
TURDLOW
Then Doc’s your man, Brig. She’s the most counter-intelligent person I’ve ever met.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! That isn’t what counter intelligence means.
SWAN-LI
Then what does it mean?
THE DOCTOR
It means.
(Considering a moment.)
Er, well, um, never mind what it means. But it doesn’t mean that.
(To the Brigadier.)
Let us go in first in the Retardis, then if we fail you can bomb the base as a last resort.
SWAN-LI
But give us at least twenty-four hours before dropping your bombs.
BRIGADIER
Very well, Doctor, I hope you know what you’re doing?
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TURDLOW &
Swan-Li lying across the consul, with Turdlow now using the one safety belt, while the Doctor operates the controls.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a lurch as the Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.
THE DOCTOR
Okay you two, let’s go.
The Doctor turns the red knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.
INT. ARCTIC BASE — DAY
The Retardis is standing on one side of the door.
After a moment the Doctor, Swan-Li, and Turdlow step out and look around the room.
The room is empty except for half-a-dozen chairs and a small table.
TURDLOW
The air’s a bit thin on the ground, Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Relax, we’ve got minutes to go before we asphyxiate.
Swan-Li & Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.
The Doctor takes a step forward and crashes to the ground.
SWAN-LI
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! The Doc has asphyxiated!
THE DOCTOR
Calm down, I just tripped over.
Turdlow helps the Doctor back to her feet.
SWAN-LI
Doc, if this is a trap, shouldn’t the Ice-Cream Warriors be about somewhere to catch us?
TURDLOW
Yes, where are they? There’s nowhere for them to go out here.
THE DOCTOR (Pointing at it.)
Possibly out through this door.
She walks across to the door, opens it, and steps out.
THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Swan-Li and Turdlow race across and look out.
INT./EXT. ARCTIC BASE/MOUNTAIN — LIT/DAY
Swan-Li and Turdlow standing in the doorway watching as the Doctor free-falls off the edge of a steep mountain the base is on top of.
SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
Oh no, she’ll die!
TURDLOW (Shocked.)
Oh no! Then we’ll be stranded, since we don’t know how to fly the Retardis.
SWAN-LI (Glaring at him.)
Thank you, Mr Caring.
EXT. MOUNTAINSIDE — DAY
As the Doctor is free-falling, she starts hunting through the large cloth bag on her left arm and starts pulling out a myriad things: bits of string, pens and pencils, clipboards, umbrellas, paperback books, yo-yos, deck-chairs, a potted rubber plant, a surf board, ice skates, inflated plastic beach toys, a card table, plus various other odds and sods.
As she pulls them out, she releases the various objects, which plummet out of sight down the mountainside.
Finally, she pulls out a parachute and manages to put it on with some difficulty.
She pulls the rip-chord and the chute opens out.
With some difficulty, the Doctor manages to use her legs to guide herself toward the very steep side of the mountain, where she manages to land with difficulty.
She looks up the mountain to where Swan-Li and Turdlow can be seen staring out the door of the base.
THE DOCTOR
Now here comes the hard part.
She starts hunting through her cloth bag again until pulling out a crossbow and mountaineering gear. Including great lengths of rope.
She ties one of the lengths of rope to the metal crossbow bolt, then fires it up the mountain toward where Swan-Li and Turdlow are watching her.
The Doctor struggles out of her parachute harness and leaves it on the mountain, and starts slowly, meticulously climbing the rope back up the mountain.
INT./EXT. ARCTIC BASE/MOUNTAIN — LIT/DAY
Swan-Li and Turdlow kneeling in the doorway watching as the Doctor slowly climbs up the rope.
SWAN-LI
She’s taking her time getting back up here.
TURDLOW
I don’t think she’s an expert mountain climber.
SWAN-LI
I don’t think Doc’s an expert at anything.
Finally the Doctor climbs up within reach of the doorway.
THE DOCTOR
Well, give me a hand someone.
She reaches toward them with one hand.
Swan-Li and Turdlow both reach down toward the Doctor.
From behind them steps an Ice-Cream Warrior who reaches down, grabs the Doctor’s hand and pulls her up into the building.
INT. ARCTIC BASE — LIT
The Doctor, Swan-Li, and Turdlow staring in shock at Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and 2nd Ice-Cream-Warrior.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
So, Doctor, what do you say now?
He slams shut the door and locks it.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
You’re welcome, Doctor.
Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.
SWAN-LI
I don’t know who’s more mental? The Doctor, or him?
TURDLOW
Well…
(Considering a moment.)
It’s very close. But I’d say Doc just shades him.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
So, Doctor, how are you going to escape from my cunning trap?
THE DOCTOR
Like this, I suppose.
She holds up the psychic-screwdriver and spins the setting then pushes a button.
A yellow beam shoots from the psychic-screwdriver and hits 2nd Ice-Cream-Warrior who EXPLODES.
Swan-Li and Turdlow stare at his bloody remains in horror.
THE DOCTOR
Whoops, sorry! Wrong setting.
The Doctor spins the setting adjuster again and aims psychic-screwdriver at Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and pushes the button again.
A much paler yellow beam shoots out and stuns Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My eyes! My Eyes!
He drops his ice-cream gun and collapses to the floor.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, let’s get out of here.
SWAN-LI (Indignant.)
Doctor, you discombobulated the first bloke, when you should have only stunned him.
THE DOCTOR
Accidents will happen, you know.
TURDLOW
And she ought to know.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, and just follow me.
She races across to a second door and grabs the handle, and tries to turn it.
THE DOCTOR
Damn, it’s locked.
TURDLOW
Allow me, Doc.
He takes a glider-clip from his shirt pocket, straightens the clip out, puts one end into the lock and swivels it round once or twice.
CLICK and door swings open outwards.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you, you despicable little thief. We really will have to remind the Brig to have another look into that spate of unsolved car thefts in London last year.
SWAN-LI (Shaking head.)
Not to mention those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.
TURDLOW (Indignant.)
I’m innocent, I swear it.
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT
The Doctor & her companions run out of the room and start down a long corridor.
BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down corridor.
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a second corridor.
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor past a T-junction.
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a fourth corridor.
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor past an X-junction.
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow running down a corridor toward an open door.
END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
INT. FILING & STORAGE ROOM — LIT
The Doctor, Swan-Li & Turdlow race inside the room, which is surrounded by metal cupboards and filing cabinets.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE.
SWAN-LI (Shouting.)
Hide everybody!
The Doctor & Turdlow duck behind cabinets.
THE DOCTOR
Dingle! Why didn’t you just conduct a brass band to let them know where we are?
SWAN-LI (Shrugging.)
Very well, Doc.
Swan-Li turns round to face a brass band.
She taps a baton three times on a music stand to get their attention, then starts conducting them.
They start playing, “Land of Hope and Glory”.
The Doctor & Turdlow exchange an astonished look.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, dingles, I was being sarky for Christ’s sake.
SWAN-LI (Very disappointed.)
Oh.
(Tapping baton on stand again.)
Okay guys, take five.
Band stops playing.
Door opens and two Ice-Cream Warriors enter.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
So, Doctor, we meet again!
The Doctor reaches into her bag and pulls out the psychic-screwdriver, but Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader snatches it out of her hands.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Ah ah, Doctor, not this time.
3RD ICE-CREAM WARRIOR
What shall we do with them, leader?
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Lock them in here, they can’t do any harm.
The two Ice-Cream Warriors leave and KEY TURNS in lock.
Turdlow walks over to check the door.
TURDLOW
It’s locked, all right, but don’t worry, I can get us out of here in two seconds flat.
He puts straightened glider-clip into lock.
THE DOCTOR
Before you do, open some of these cabinets.
SWAN-LI
How come?
Turdlow walks across and CLICKS open a cabinet beside the Doctor in two seconds.
THE DOCTOR
We might find something useful in their records.
Brass band starts playing, “Land of Hope and Glory” again
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, for Christ’s sake! I’m trying to think!
TURDLOW
And Doc needs absolute quiet before she can form a rational thought.
THE DOCTOR
You shut up too!
INT. FILING & STORAGE ROOM — LIT — TEN MINUTES
LATER
CLICK and door to the last cabinet swings open.
Swan-Li and the Doctor are already leafing through hundreds of documents taken from the various cabinets.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you, you despicable little thief. We really must remind the Brig to have another look into those unsolved car thefts in London last year.
SWAN-LI (Shaking head.)
Not to mention those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.
TURDLOW (Indignant.)
I’m innocent, I swear it.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up you despicable little thief and help us look for anything useful.
BAND LEADER
What should we do?
TURDLOW
You’d better help search too, or it’ll take days to go through all these papers.
INT. FILING & STORAGE ROOM — LIT — AN HOUR LATER
The Doctor and the others still sorting through papers and diagrams found in the various cabinets.
BAND LEADER
I’ve found something.
THE DOCTOR (Looking up.)
What is it?
BAND LEADER
It looks like the layout of this complex.
THE DOCTOR
Hand it across.
Band Leader hands the diagram to Swan-Li, who passes it to Turdlow, who gives it to the Doctor.
The Doctor studies the diagram for a few moments.
THE DOCTOR (Pointing at map.)
Yes, we’re here, and…
(Half a beat.)
The missile guidance room is here. If we could make our way there without being caught again, we should be able to sabotage the nuclear missile so they can’t fire it.
TURDLOW (Holding up bent glider-clip.)
Okay, let’s go.
He walks across to the door, places clip into the lock, clicks it round twice, then pulls open the door.
The Doctor and the others start after him.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE STORAGE ROOM — LIT
Turdlow steps out followed by the Doctor, Swan-Li and the brass band.
The Doctor looks at the diagram again then points down the corridor to RHS of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR
It’s this way. Come on but be very quiet.
They start tiptoeing down the corridor.
BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a first corridor.
The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a corridor toward a T-junction.
The Doctor stops to check the map again, then points down a corridor LHS of SHOT and they start tiptoeing that way.
The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a fourth corridor.
The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a corridor to an X-junction.
Again they stop while the Doctor checks the map.
She points on ahead and they continue that way.
The Doctor and the others tiptoeing down a corridor toward a closed door.
END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE LOCKED DOOR — LIT
THE DOCTOR
It should be through there.
SWAN-LI
Okay, Turdlow, do your magic.
Turdlow steps forward, places the bent clip into the lock and twists it once or twice.
CLICK and door swings open outwards.
THE DOCTOR
We really must remind the Brig to have another look into that spate of unsolved car thefts in London last year.
SWAN-LI (Shaking head.)
Not to mention those thefts of a number of heavy prime movers a few months back.
TURDLOW (Indignant.)
I’m innocent, I swear it.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up and follow me.
The Doctor steps into the room, followed by the others.
INT. MISSILE-GUIDANCE ROOM — LIT
The Doctor and the others step in and stare round at the masses of controls lining the room.
In one corner is a consul marked “Main Control Bank”.
THE DOCTOR
This way.
She walks over and sits down at the main control bank; Turdlow and Swan-Li sit beside her as the Doctor starts looking over the controls and various dials.
THE DOCTOR
Ah, this is interesting. It seems that although they stole the missile and the launcher, they don’t have the missile start-up codes.
TURDLOW
Do you think the Ice-Cream Warriors can work out the start-up codes to activate this thing?
THE DOCTOR (Pointing at it.)
This thing? Sure, it’s as easy as Alpha-Beta-Delta-Gamma.
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Alpha-Beta-Delta-Gamma?
SWAN-LI
You couldn’t just say “as easy as Pi” could you, Doc?
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Of course not. Have you ever known me to use a cliché like that?
Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.
SWAN-LI
Is she kidding, or what?
TURDLOW
You got me.
(To the Doctor.)
Any normal person would have said easy as Pi.
SWAN-LI
Yeah, or piece of cake.
THE DOCTOR
All right then, “Piece of cake”.
Swan-Li picks up a slice of chocolate cake on a saucer and hands the saucer to the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you.
She takes a large bite of the cake then looks back to the control bank.
THE DOCTOR
As for starting this thing, it’s easy enough. It’s usually some simple binary code sequence. You know like, “One-A, Two-B, Three-C”, that basic kind of Star Trek crap!
She starts punching some buttons on a keyboard in front of her.
ROARING and a section of the control bank sudden lights up.
THE DOCTOR
That’s the first quarter of the control sequence. Now let’s try….
She starts punching some buttons on the keyboard in front of her.
ROARING and the second section of the control bank sudden lights up.
THE DOCTOR
That’s the second quarter of the control sequence. Now let’s try something else….
She starts punching buttons on the keyboard in front of her.
ROARING and a third section of the control bank sudden lights up.
THE DOCTOR
That’s the third quarter of the control sequence. Now let’s try this….
She starts punching buttons on the keyboard in front of her.
ROARING and the final section of the control bank sudden lights up.
THE DOCTOR
Then it’s just a matter of adjusting the directional controls.
(Considering a moment.)
Say for Buckingham Palace.
She adjusts some of the controls and a viewer screen activates and shows Buckingham Palace.
THE DOCTOR
Then you just push that button to fire it.
The Doctor goes to push a green button.
TURDLOW/SWAN-LI/BAND LEADER
Doctor!
Swan-Li grabs her hand to stop the Doctor pushing the button.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
What’s wrong?
TURDLOW
You were about to nuke Buck-Palace you great, hairy dingle.
THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Er, yes, perhaps you’re right. Maybe the White House would be a better target.
She adjusts some of the controls and the image on the screen changes to the White House.
THE DOCTOR
See, that’s all there is to it. Now if I can activate this thing, the Ice-Cream Warriors certainly can.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and two other Ice-Cream Warriors walk into the room.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Thank you for arming the missile for us, Doctor. We knew that if we left a patently obvious trap back at the nuclear power station, you wouldn’t be able to resist walking straight into it. Then we just had to leave the floor plan of this building in the storage room for you to find. Then rely on the skills of that despicable little thief…
(Pointing at Turdlow.)
To get you through the various doors to find your way here.
TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Doctor, you great dingle.
The Doctor hurriedly starts pressing buttons on the consul with both hands.
The two Ice-Cream Warriors race forward and grab her by the arms and pull her out of her chair.
The Doctor starts kicking at buttons with both feet and manages to de-active one section of the guidance sequence before two more Ice-Cream Warriors race into the room and grab her feet.
The four Ice-Cream Warriors carry the Doctor, kicking furiously against them, out into the corridor.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader sits down at the consul, presses three buttons to re-activate the shutdown section, and then pushes the green button.
INSERT — ATOMIC BOMB EXPLODING AND ROARING UP
into a great mushroom cloud.
SWAN-LI V/O (Singing.)
“Don’t they know…
(Half a beat.)
It’s the end…
(Half a beat.)
Of the wor…
(Half a beat.)
Orld?”
THE DOCTOR/TURDLOW/BAND LEADER/ALL BAND MEMBERS
Aaaaaaaaaaah! It’s the end of the world!
NARRATOR
Actually that isn’t what really happened. We just wanted to let you see what could have happened thanks to the Doctor’s stupidity in activating the missile guidance controls for the Ice-Cream Warriors.
FADE OUT:
ACT THREE:
FADE IN:
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MISSILE-GUIDANCE ROOM — LIT
Ice-Cream Warriors carrying the Doctor out into the corridor, followed by Swan-Li, Turdlow, the brass band, and Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.
INT. BARRED PRISON CELL — LIT
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then the door opens and Ice-Cream Warriors appear carrying the Doctor and leading the others.
They toss the Doctor onto a bunk, then step outside to allow Swan-Li, Turdlow and the brass band to enter.
3RD ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
Hope you like your cell.
Ice-Cream Warriors snicker at this.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Pointing ice-cream-gun at them.)
All right, empty out your pockets.
Swan-Li, Turdlow, and the brass band all do as instructed, producing a great range of odds and sods.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Pointing ice-cream-gun at them.)
Now you, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (Patting down her dress.)
I’m not wearing pockets.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Very well, empty out that oversized handbag.
TURDLOW/SWAN-LI
Uh-oh!
THE DOCTOR
If you insist.
The Doctor opens her huge cloth bag and starts pulling things out of the bag: half-a-dozen deck chairs, yo-yos, a bowl of plastic fruit, an inflated beach ball, a boomerang, a full length mirror, a hat wrack, a ball of string, pens and pencils, clipboards, apple cores, umbrellas, paperback books, etc.
INT. CELL — LIT — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
The Doctor and the others are now standing beside a trailer with a powerboat on it. Stacked on top of the boat and trailer are various types of football, yo-yos, a small lounge suite, fruit and vegetables of various kinds, potted rubber plants, plus various other odds and sods.
The Doctor is still hunting through her large cloth bag. She pulls out a surf board, ice skates, a DVD-RAM, inflated plastic beach toys, a card table, a crossbow and mountaineering gear, an assortment of military hats, lengths of rope….
Ice-Cream Warriors are looking astonished.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Enough, already. Jesus you can keep anything else that’s in there!
TURDLOW
Well, we did warn you.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader glares at him.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Well, Doctor, it looks like I’ve beaten you at last.
SWAN-LI
No way, no one ever beats the Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you, Swan-Li.
SWAN-LI
They just outsmart her sometimes.
TURDLOW
Quite often actually.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! Just how dumb do you two think I am anyway?
Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.
SWAN-LI
Well, let me put it like this, Doc, “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh”.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! I’m not even blonde. So I don’t know why you’re telling duh-jokes at my expense.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader turns and strides out, followed by other Ice-Cream Warriors.
DOOR SLAMMING, then KEY IN LOCK.
SWAN-LI (Hysterical.)
Oh God, oh God, we’re trapped. And thanks to the Doctor’s stupidity the Ice-Cream Warriors have an armed nuclear missile.
TURDLOW
Jesus, does anyone know how to deal with a hysterical woman?
BAND LEADER
You have to slap them.
In the b/g Swan-Li keeps screaming.
TURDLOW
I’m not slapping Swan-Li.
BAND LEADER
Well don’t look at me.
BAND MEMBER
Leave this to me, I know how to hit a woman…
(Half a beat.)
I was married for ten years.
He steps forward and slaps Swan-Li hard.
Swan-Li shuts up and stares at him for a moment, then she punches Band Member in the face.
BAND MEMBER
Glurk!
He goes flying backwards and CRASHES into the cell bars, and collapses to the floor.
Turdlow and the others stare at him for a moment.
TURDLOW
No wonder he’s divorced…
(Half a beat.)
If he can’t hit a woman better than that!
Swan-Li and the brass band members all turn to stare at Turdlow for a moment.
INT. CELL — LIT — A LITTLE LATER
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader enters followed by three Ice-Cream Warriors.
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader walks across and unlocks the cell door.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Out you come.
SWAN-LI
Where are you taking us?
TURDLOW
Yes, you can’t keep us prisoner forever you know?
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
We don’t intend to. You are of no further use to us.
THE DOCTOR
You mean you’re going to kill us?
SWAN-LI/TURDLOW/BAND LEADER
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! They’re going to kill us!
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Calm down, dingleberries, we’re not going to kill you. We’re letting you go.
THE DOCTOR (Suspicious.)
Letting us go? Just like that?
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Yes, we have no further need to detain you. So, since you were kind enough to activate the missile guidance system for us, we have decided to let you go.
3RD ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR
Your Retardis is in the main hall.
He points down corridor outside the door.
THE DOCTOR
Very well.
She tentatively steps out of the cell, followed by Swan-Li and Turdlow.
BAND LEADER
What about us?
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
You may leave too.
The band steps out and starts out into the corridor.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Goodbye, Doctor, hopefully we won’t meet again.
THE DOCTOR
Goodbye.
She holds out her right hand. Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader hesitates for a second, then shakes hands.
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Okay, let’s go.
She spins and races out into the corridor then races down the direction that 3rd Ice-Cream-Warrior pointed.
SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
What’s the big hurry, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR O/S
Just come on.
Looking puzzled Swan-Li and the others start after the Doctor
Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader watches them for a moment.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Good, now I can send the dinosaurs against London and New York without fear of her interference.
(He holds up his right hand, but the growth ring is gone.)
Damn, that ginger-headed geekess stole my ring. Now I can’t expand the dinosaurs or control them.
(Shouting.)
After her!
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT
BEGIN CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
The Doctor and her companions are racing down the corridor chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.
The Doctor and her companions are racing down a corridor toward a T-junction, chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.
The Doctor and her companions are racing down a third corridor, chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.
The Doctor and her companions are racing down a fourth corridor, chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.
The Doctor and her companions are racing down corridor, to an X-junction, chased by Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and his Ice-Cream Warriors.
Just past the intersection stands the Retardis. However three more Ice-Cream Warriors are coming down the corridor toward the Doctor and her companions, blocking their path to the Retardis.
END CORRIDOR MONTAGE.
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — X-JUNCTION
The Doctor and her companions screech to a halt.
SWAN-LI
Doctor, what can we do now?
Ice-Cream Warriors race over and grab the Doctor, Swan-Li, Turdlow and Band Leader by the arms to hold them.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Give me the growth ring, Doctor, or my Ice-Cream Warriors will kill you!
TURDLOW
And if she does give it to you?
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Then you are still free to go in your Retardis.
THE DOCTOR (Considering a moment.)
Very well.
She takes a ring off her left hand and tosses it to Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Release them my Ice-Cream Warriors.
Ice-Cream Warriors release the Doctor and her companions.
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Come on, let’s go.
She races past the Ice-Cream Warriors into the Retardis, closely followed by Turdlow, Swan-Li and the brass band.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
With this ring I can control the universe! No one can defeat me now!
He holds up the ring, which has a Mickey Mouse face on it.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (Puzzled.)
Wait a minute, this isn’t the growth ring.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor, Swan-Li and Turdlow at the consul.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then the brass band races in.
TURDLOW
Oh no, I thought we were rid of those idiots.
THE DOCTOR turns a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
Swan-Li TAP-TAP-TAPS a baton on a music stand, to get the bands attention.
SWAN-LI
All right, all together now.
She starts conducting the band as they start playing, “Land of Hope and Glory” again.
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Stop that this instant.
TURDLOW
Yes, if you’re going to play anything, play Rule Britannia.
SWAN-LI (Tapping baton on stand.)
All right guys, Rule Britannia.
The band hurriedly turn over their sheet music and as Swan-Li starts conducting again, they start playing, “Rule Britannia”.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, all ready!
SWAN-LI (Tapping baton on stand.)
All right guys, take ten.
Band stops playing.
SWAN-LI (Sulky.)
Some people just don’t appreciate band music. Then what am I supposed to do?
THE DOCTOR
Just come over and stand by the consul, while I get us out of here fast.
Swan-Li starts across toward the consul as the Doctor starts adjusting the consul controls.
MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts up.
TURDLOW
Doctor, you should never have given him back the growth ring. Now he can control the dinosaurs again.
THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry.
(Holding up right hand to show she is wearing the growth ring.)
That wasn’t the growth ring.
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Then what ring did you give him, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Er, well, um, that is….
Swan-Li holds up her left hand. There is the fresh imprint of a ring on her ring finger.
SWAN-LI (Angry.)
It had better not have been my Mickey Mouse Club ring.
SHRILL WHISTLING O/S.
SWAN-LI (Angry.)
Doctor how could you, that ring was mine!
THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, I had to give him a ring so we could get past the Ice-Cream Warriors. And the growth ring and your Mickey Mouse Club ring were the only ones I had.
SHRILL WHISTLING O/S.
SWAN-LI
Doctor, I’ll kill you for that!
THE DOCTOR
Oh shut up whining. We all have to make sacrifices sometimes.
BELL RINGING, ECHOING FROM DEEP within the Retardis.
SWAN-LI
It’s the closter bell again.
TURDLOW
Some great disaster is imminent.
THE DOCTOR
(She flips a switch on the consul and the bell stops ringing.)
Relax, I’ll just switch it off.
VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo. Bomba goff soo.
SWAN-LI
What the hell is that now?
THE DOCTOR
The Retardis’s computer. The last time I serviced her, I tried to give her vocal powers so she could tell me what’s wrong.
SWAN-LI
So you wouldn’t have to go to all the work of finding out for yourself.
THE DOCTOR (Guilty.)
Er, yeah, exactly.
VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo. Bomba goff soo.
TURDLOW
Well, you did a great job of installing it. Jesus, with a computer expert like you aboard, Doc, who needs Bill Gates?
THE DOCTOR
Shut up being sarky at my expense.
VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo. Bomba goff soo.
SWAN-LI
But what does it mean?
THE DOCTOR
Hang on, I’ll just check the Retardis’s universal translator.
The Doctor types in some commands on the keyboard, then reads out what comes up on the monitor.
THE DOCTOR
Ah, here it is. There’s a bomb on board…
(Half a beat.)
And it’s about to go off soon.
TURDLOW
Oh, I see.
He looks shocked as he realised what the Doctor said.
TURDLOW/SWAN-LI/BAND LEADER/BRASS BAND MEMBERS
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! There’s a bomb on board and it’s about to go off soon!
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Stop panicking, dammit, and look around the room.
The Doctor types in some commands on the keyboard, then reads out what comes up on the monitor.
THE DOCTOR
It’s definitely in the consul room.
She types in more commands and again reads out what comes up on the monitor.
THE DOCTOR
Somewhere near the door.
Swan-Li and Turdlow race across to the door, where they find a small box wrapped in brown paper.
SWAN-LI
Here it is, Doc.
The Doctor races over to the package and very gently picks it up.
TICKING can be heard from inside the box.
TURDLOW
This explains the Ice-Cream Warriors kindly letting us go.
SWAN-LI
Oh God, Doc, what’ll we do?
THE DOCTOR
Well, firstly, don’t panic. I’ll set us down somewhere and we can ditch the bomb outside.
She hands the bomb to Turdlow who takes it very reluctantly.
The Doctor races over to the flight consul and start typing in course co-ordinates.
MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts to land.
The Retardis lands with a lurch, making Turdlow stagger a little. However he manages to hold onto the bomb and stay on his feet.
SWAN-LI
We’ve landed.
THE DOCTOR
All right, Turdlow, carry it outside gently and set it down. Then race back inside.
TURDLOW (Shocked.)
Shouldn’t you try to deactivate it first?
THE DOCTOR
No time for that, it could go off any second.
Turdlow walks slowly outside the Retardis carrying the bomb.
TURDLOW O/S
I just hope this thing doesn’t go off while I’m still….
GREAT EXPLOSION O/S and Swan-Li, the Doctor, and the band members are all blown off their feet and knocked unconscious.
INT. CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
The Doctor and the others lying on the floor, moaning and clutching their heads.
THE DOCTOR
Oh my God, my poor head.
She slowly sits up and holds her head in her hands.
After a moment she crawls across the floor toward Swan-Li and starts checking to see if she is all right.
Band Leader also crawls across to help the Doctor with Swan-Li.
BAND LEADER
Will she be all right, Doctor?
Swan-Li starts to moan, and with their help sits up.
THE DOCTOR
Are you okay, Swan-Li?
SWAN-LI
Yes, Doc, I’m fine.
They suddenly all look shocked.
THE DOCTOR/SWAN-LI/BAND LEADER
Turdlow!
With difficulty they climb to their feet and stagger over toward the Retardis’s door.
EXT. OPEN FIELD — DAY
Blood and entrails are coating the grass in a fine mist for as far as the eye can see.
Swan-Li and the Doctor stagger out of the Retardis and stare about themselves in shock.
By the Retardis’s door is Turdlow’s head silently screaming.
SWAN-LI (Pointing at it.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
She turns and races back into the Retardis.
The Doctor stares in shock at Turdlow’s head for a moment, then turns and starts into the Retardis.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — SWAN-LI,
the Doctor, & Band Leader all looking white-faced.
SWAN-LI (Almost crying.)
Oh my God, poor Turdlow. What can we do for him, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
There’s only one thing I can do for him.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a middle-aged man
dressed like a typical accountant with bowler hat, briefcase and umbrella materialises in the air a few feet off the ground.
Swan-Li squeals in alarm and leaps away; Band Leader and band members all back away in fright.
THE DOCTOR
Oh God, Smethurst, what the hell do you want?
SMETHURST
Ah, ah, Doctor, don’t even consider it! Do you have any idea what President Veruka would do to you if you violated the first rule of time-travel a second time to bring someone else back to life?
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I wasn’t planning to! How dare you accuse me of even considering such a reckless, foolhardy thing!
SMETHURST (Bogus UK accent.)
So sorry, Doctor, my mistake.
THE DOCTOR
That’s all right then.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then SMETHURST vanishes.
The Doctor races over to the consul.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, hold on, I’ve gotta do this quickly before old Smethurst realises that I was lying to him.
INT. RETARDIS #2, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
TURDLOW #2
Doctor, you should never have given him back the growth ring. Now he can control the dinosaurs again.
THE DOCTOR #2
Don’t worry.
(Holding up right hand to show she is wearing the growth ring.)
That wasn’t the growth ring.
TURDLOW #2 (Puzzled.)
Then what ring did you give him, Doc?
THE DOCTOR #2
Er, well, um, that is….
Swan-Li holds up her left hand. There is the fresh imprint of a ring on her ring finger.
SWAN-LI #2 (Angry.)
It had better not have been my Mickey Mouse Club ring.
SHRILL WHISTLING O/S.
SWAN-LI #2 (Angry.)
Doctor how could you, that ring was mine!
THE DOCTOR #2 (Defensive.)
Well, I had to give him a ring so we could get past the Ice-Cream Warriors. And the growth ring and your Mickey Mouse Club ring were the only ones I had.
SHRILL WHISTLING O/S.
SWAN-LI #2
Doctor, I’ll kill you for that!
THE DOCTOR #2
Oh shut up whining. We all have to make sacrifices sometimes.
BELL RINGING, ECHOING FROM DEEP within the Retardis.
SWAN-LI #2
It’s the closter bell again.
TURDLOW #2
Some great disaster is imminent.
THE DOCTOR
(She flips a switch on the consul and the bell stops ringing.)
Relax, I’ll just switch it off.
VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo. Bomba goff soo.
SWAN-LI #2
What the hell is that now?
THE DOCTOR #2
The Retardis’s computer. The last time I serviced her, I tried to give her vocal powers so she could tell me what’s wrong.
SWAN-LI #2
So you wouldn’t have to go to all the work of finding out for yourself.
THE DOCTOR #2 (Guilty.)
Er, yeah, exactly.
VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo. Bomba goff soo.
TURDLOW #2
Well, you did a great job of installing it. Jesus, with a computer expert like you aboard, Doc, who needs Bill Gates?
THE DOCTOR #2
Shut up being sarky at my expense.
VOICE FROM CONSUL (Booming.)
Bomba goff soo. Bomba goff soo.
SWAN-LI #2
But what does it mean?
THE DOCTOR #2
Hang on, I’ll just check the Retardis’s universal translator.
She types in some commands on the keyboard, then reads out what comes up on the monitor.
THE DOCTOR #2
Ah, here it is. There’s a bomb on board…
(Half a beat.)
And it’s about to go off soon.
TURDLOW #2
Oh, I see.
He looks shocked as he realised what Doctor #2 said.
TURDLOW #2/SWAN-LI #2/BAND LEADER #2/BRASS BAND MEMBERS
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! There’s a bomb on board and it’s about to go off soon!
THE DOCTOR #2 (Shouting.)
Stop panicking, dammit, and look around the room.
She types in some commands on the keyboard, then reads out what comes up on the monitor.
THE DOCTOR #2
It’s definitely in the consul room.
She types in more commands and again reads out what comes up on the monitor.
THE DOCTOR #2
Somewhere near the door.
Swan-Li and Turdlow race across to the door, where they find a small box wrapped in brown paper.
SWAN-LI #2
Here it is, Doc.
Doctor #2 races over to the package and very gently picks it up.
TICKING can be heard from inside the box.
TURDLOW #2
This explains the Ice-Cream Warriors kindly letting us go.
SWAN-LI #2
Oh God, Doc, what’ll we do?
THE DOCTOR #2
Well, firstly, don’t panic. I’ll set us down somewhere and we can ditch the bomb outside.
She hands the bomb to Turdlow who takes it very reluctantly.
Doctor #2 races over to the flight consul and start typing in course co-ordinates.
MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts to land.
The Retardis lands with a lurch, making Turdlow stagger a little. However he manages to hold onto the bomb and stay on his feet.
SWAN-LI #2
We’ve landed.
THE DOCTOR #2
All right, Turdlow, carry it outside gently and set it down. Then race back inside.
TURDLOW #2 (Shocked.)
Shouldn’t you try to deactivate it first?
THE DOCTOR #2
No time for that, it could go off any second.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then Retardis #1 appears by the doorway in the Retardis #2.
The doors open and Doctor #1 races out carrying her psychic-screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR #2
Oh no, not you again! What are you doing here?
THE DOCTOR #1
No time to explain. Turdlow, give me the bomb. I have to deactivate it before you get blown up.
She takes the bomb from Turdlow, cuts the string with the psychic-screwdriver, then cuts through sticky tape to remove the brown paper and carefully lifts off the lid.
Inside are seven sticks of gelignite connected to a clock set only seconds in the future.
SWAN-LI #2
Oh God, it’s only got seconds to go!
THE DOCTOR #1
Shut up, don’t panic me now.
She uses the psychic-screwdriver to cut through three wires and carefully removes the sticks of gelignite.
THE DOCTOR #1
Okay, it’s safe now.
She hands the bomb to Turdlow who takes it outside.
Turdlow returns as Doctor #1 walks back toward her own Retardis.
TURDLOW #2
Leaving so soon?
THE DOCTOR #1
I’ve gotta get out of here before Smethurst realises what I’ve done.
She races back into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis vanishes.
INT. RETARDIS #1, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
Swan-Li is standing by the consul as the Doctor races inside.
THE DOCTOR
Okay hitch up your knickers and let’s get out of here.
THE DOCTOR turns a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts up and Swan-Li and the Doctor are thrown to the floor.
SWAN-LI
Doctor, you great, hairy dingle!
The Doctor and Swan-Li climb back to their feet and
see Turdlow standing beside the consul.
TURDLOW (Staring at them in astonishment.)
What are you doing down there, you clumsy cows?
THE DOCTOR
That’s gratitude for you!
SWAN-LI
Yeah, after you brought him back to life!
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Brought me back to life?
(He clutches his head as though in pain for a moment.)
That’s right, I remember now. The Doctor blew me to smithereens.
SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
“Smithereens?” What B-Westerns have you been watching lately?
THE DOCTOR
Stop nattering, kids, we still have to defeat the Ice-Cream Warriors.
TURDLOW
No, that’s it, Doc! You’ve done some dumb things in your time. But blowing me up is the limit.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
What are you saying exactly?
TURDLOW (Insistent.)
I want you to take me back to Coal Kund School.
THE DOCTOR/SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
What?
TURDLOW
You heard me, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
If that’s what you really want?
TURDLOW (Insistent.)
It is.
THE DOCTOR
Very well.
She sets co-ordinates into the consul.
MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, as the Retardis starts up.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — A LITTLE LATER
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a lurch as the Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.
TURDLOW
Where are we now, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
On Earth, of course.
TURDLOW (Sceptical.)
Are you sure?
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Have you ever known me to get my bearings wrong?
Swan-Li and Turdlow exchange a shocked look.
TURDLOW
Oh God, we’re probably on Beta Centauri again.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! I haven’t accidentally taken us to Beta Centauri in…
(Half a beat/Considering a moment.)
Oh it must be nearly two weeks now.
TURDLOW
Nine days to be exact.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
So who’s counting?
EXT. COAL KUND SCHOOL, PLAY GROUND — DAY
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis appears, the doors open and Turdlow and the Doctor step out.
THE DOCTOR
Goodbye, Turdlow.
She kisses him on the cheek.
TURDLOW
Goodbye, Doc.
He holds out his right hand, but the Doctor steps forward and hugs him tightly for a moment.
THE DOCTOR (Releasing Turdlow.)
Goodbye.
TURDLOW
Where’s Swan-Li?
THE DOCTOR
Inside the Retardis. She couldn’t be bothered seeing you off. She said to tell you, “Goodbye to bad rubbish”.
TURDLOW (Angry.)
Oh, I see.
Turdlow turns and storms across the yard toward the classrooms.
The Doctor watches him for a moment, then turns and walks back into the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis disappears.
As Turdlow approaches the class building, four bullies run across to him.
1ST BULLY
Well, well, well, if it isn’t Lowturd.
2ND BULLY
What’re you doing outta class, Lowturd?
3RD BULLY
Hope you’re not wagging, Lowturd?
4TH BULLY
You’re not so tough now you don’t have that redheaded bimbo-Sapiens to look after you, are you, Lowturd?
TURDLOW
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
He punches 3rd Bully, who falls to the bitumen.
Turdlow grabs 4th Bully and knees him.
4th Bully screams and falls to the bitumen.
Finally Turdlow grabs 1st Bully and 2nd Bully and smashes their heads together with loud THUD.
TURDLOW (Shouting.)
The name’s Turdlow, you arseholes!
He turns and storms across to the school building.
1ST BULLY (Shocked.)
What the hell happened?
2ND BULLY (Shaking head.)
He seems to have changed since we saw him last.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
Swan-Li and the Doctor standing near the consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then a lurch as the Retardis lands and MOTOR STOPS.
SWAN-LI
Where are we landing now, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
At the Ice-Cream Warriors’s Arctic base.
SWAN-LI
Are you mad, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR (Considering a moment.)
No…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t think so. Don’t worry we can use the growth ring on them.
SWAN-LI
But we don’t know how to use it.
THE DOCTOR
We will once I test it on you.
SWAN-LI
Oh, yes, of…
(Shocked.)
What! Test it?
(Half a beat.)
On whom?
(At camera.)
As if I didn’t know already!
THE DOCTOR
Well, I’ve gotta test it on someone.
BAND LEADER
She’s got a point there, Swan-Li.
THE DOCTOR
So shut up whining and stand in the middle of the consul room…
(Half a beat.)
Where I can get a good shot at you.
Looking unhappy, Swan-Li walks away from the consul.
The Doctor holds up her left hand where she is wearing the large yellowy ring on one finger.
She presses a slot on the ring to reveal the red button, which she presses.
Nothing happens.
THE DOCTOR
Hang on, I’ll try twisting it.
She twists ring one way and a yellow light pours out and engulfs Swan-Li.
Swan-Li starts rapidly growing till she is almost too tall for the Retardis.
SWAN-LI
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wrong way, Doctor!
THE DOCTOR
All right, already, stop panicking.
She twists the red button the other way and the light dims and Swan-Li stops growing.
The Doctor twists the button harder and the yellow light floods out again and Swan-Li shrinks back to something like normal height, then suddenly shrinks down to mouse-sized.
SWAN-LI (In squeaky voice.)
Doctor!
THE DOCTOR
All right, I have to test it, don’t I?
She twists button the first way and Swan-Li starts to grow again, stopping around normal height.
SWAN-LI
Am I back to normal height at last?
THE DOCTOR
Give or take an inch or two.
SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
Whata you mean “Give or take an inch or two”? I want to be back to exactly the height I was before.
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Do you know how long I’d have to practice with this thing to be that accurate.
SWAN-LI
Doctor!
THE DOCTOR
Shut up and let’s go shrink some Ice-Cream Warriors.
She reaches into her large cloth back and pulls out her psychic-screwdriver and a large blood-red hexagonal stone, both of which she puts on top of the consul.
The Doctor turns the red knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS and Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader and a dozen Ice-Cream Warriors race into the Retardis.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
So, Doctor, somehow you have escaped my going-away bomb. But you shall not escape this.
He points his ice-cream gun at her.
The Doctor holds her left hand out at him and twists the red button.
The yellow light roars out and Ice-Cream Warriors start growing rapidly.
THE DOCTOR
Whoops, wrong way again.
SWAN-LI
Doctor, you great dingle!
The Doctor twists the button the other way and the Ice-Cream Warriors shrink down to normal size, then rapidly shrink down to mouse-size.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, now here’s the deal, Ice-Cream-Warrior Leader, either you let me send you all back to Mars. Or you can stay on Earth mouse sized.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (In high, squeaky voice.)
You don’t scare me, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Damn, where did I put those traps again?
SWAN-LI
They’re under the consul, Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you, Swan-Li.
She bends down and lifts out four giant rattraps.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER (In high, squeaky voice.)
Okay, you scare me! You scare me! In that case you’ve got a deal, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Okay then.
She twists button on ring again and yellow beam shoots out and grows Ice-Cream Warriors back to normal size.
The Doctor holds up red crystal & psychic-screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR
Here we go, then.
SWAN-LI
Hang on Doc.
(Pointing at it.)
He’s still got my Mickey Mouse Club ring.
THE DOCTOR (Staring at her.)
You’re worried about a Mickey Mouse Club ring when the whole world is at stake?
SWAN-LI (Insistent.)
Well, it’s mine and you had no right to give it to him.
ICE-CREAM-WARRIOR LEADER
Very well.
He takes off the Mickey Mouse ring and gives it a quick BLOW, then tosses the ring to Swan-Li who catches it and puts it onto her ring finger.
SWAN-LI (Smiling broadly.)
Now you can send them all to Mars.
The Doctor shakes her head and sighs from frustration.
The Doctor adjusts the psychic-screwdriver, which makes a WHIRRING.
Then she holds the psychic-screwdriver up to the red crystal and presses the button.
A white light shoots out of the psychic-screwdriver, but radiates red through the crystal.
The red light bathes the Ice-Cream Warriors’s whose images shimmer for a second, then blink out of existence.
THE DOCTOR
Let’s go check to see if there are any more Ice-Cream Warriors hiding in the complex.
She starts across toward the Retardis’s doors.
INT. ARCTIC BASE, T-JUNCTION — LIT
The Doctor and Swan-Li are standing before six Ice-Cream Warriors.
The Doctor shoots the psychic-screwdriver through the crystal.
The red light bathes the Ice-Cream Warriors’s whose images shimmer for a second, then blink out of existence.
THE DOCTOR
That’s the last of them. Let’s get back to the Retardis.
She turns and starts walking back down the corridor.
SWAN-LI
Doc, where did you get that red crystal?
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor and Swan-Li walk in.
THE DOCTOR
I stumbled upon it among the Crown Jewels.
SWAN-LI (Sceptical.)
Stumbled upon it?
THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Er, and borrowed it. Er, um, on ninety-nine-year loan…
(Half a beat/Shouting.)
All right, all right, I half-inched it, commandeered it, helped myself to it.
SWAN-LI
I think “stole” is the word you’re looking for, Doc.
THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, it’s not entirely my fault. I was visiting the Tower of London and they forgot to lock the case properly. And there was this pretty, red crystal right there.
(Half a beat.)
And the next thing you know, it was sort of in my hand. Then sort of in my handbag.
(Half a beat.)
Then I was sort of running hell for leather back to the Retardis with about a thousand Beefeaters on my tail.
SWAN-LI
I knew it, I knew you stole it!
THE DOCTOR
Okay, but if you keep your voice down no one will ever know.
FOOTSTEPS O/S RHS then a couple of dozen spear-carrying Beefeaters enter from the corridor RHS of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR
Well…
(Half a beat.)
Almost no one.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then one of the royal family runs into the Retardis and holds his right hand out toward the Doctor.
The Doctor stares at the hand for a moment, then finally hands him the red stone.
ENGLISH ROYAL
Thank you, Doctor.
He turns and strides out of the Retardis, closely followed by the Beefeaters.
THE DOCTOR turns a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
THE DOCTOR
Damn, and I wanted to keep that red stone.
She reaches under the flight consul and pulls out a jewelled crown, a gold sceptre and a gilded cloak.
She drapes the cloak across her shoulders, puts the crown on her head and holds up the sceptre in her right hand.
THE DOCTOR
Oh well, I guess these will have to do.
SWAN-LI (Shocked.)
Doctor!
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
What is it now?
FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS, during
credits Brass Band plays “Land of Hope and Glory”, then “Rule Britannia”.
THE DOCTOR O/S (Shouting.)
Shut up already!
FADE OUT:
TAG:
FADE IN:
EXT. CLEARING BY A FOREST — DAY
Retardis is standing in the clearing. The Doctor, Swan-Li, Petite Toots, Megan, King, Prince, King’s Ancient Mother, and Witch Doctor are standing talking.
PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Doctor, you abandoned me on this place.
THE DOCTOR
Accidents will happen, you know.
MEGAN/PETITE TOOTS/SWAN-LI
That’s her excuse for everything.
BIRDS CHIRPING in the forest.
MEGAN
Listen the birds have come back.
PETITE TOOTS
And smell the fresh flowers.
KING’S ANCIENT MOTHER
The Mayday miracle has happened again. The Earth is born anew.
THE DOCTOR
Well, that’s one way to look at it. Personally I prefer to say I’ve conquered the Ice-Cream Warriors and saved the universe yet again.
KING’S ANCIENT MOTHER
Nonsense! It’s the Mayday miracle, I tell you!
THE DOCTOR
Old bag!
KING’S ANCIENT MOTHER
Watch it.
SWAN-LI
Anyway let’s get going.
THE DOCTOR
Yeah, who wants to hang round with these dweebs anymore than we have to.
The Doctor and Swan-Li turn and walk across to the Retardis followed by Petite Toots.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor, Swan-Li, & Petite Toots enter and walk across to the consul.
The Doctor turns a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, about Fido and the other dinosaurs?
THE DOCTOR
What about them?
PETITE TOOTS
I’ve been thinking, shouldn’t you have shrunk them back to normal size before dumping them on this planet?
Dinosaur BELLOWING O/S.
MEGAN O/S
Doctor, you great, hairy dingleberry!
THE DOCTOR
Hmmm, you could be right at that.
FADE OUT:
END OF TAG:
END OF FILM:
© Copyright 2010
Philip Roberts
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