TEASER:

FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM — NIGHT

SLOW PAN ROUND room to show bookcases containing VCR tapes lining three walls, before stopping at the fourth wall which has a gas fire roaring.

An old man dressed in a fancy suit is sitting at a tall easy chair, holding a videotape in one hand.

PAN IN SLOWLY on OLD MAN until in CLOSE UP.

OLD MAN (BORING OLD FART.)
Hello, my name is Boring Old Fart.   I’m here to spoil this film for you, by telling you everything that happens, before you get a chance to see it for yourself.

DOCTOR O/S (Shouting.)
Oh spin-on!

WHIRRING OF TAPE as FAST-MO starts.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!   Stop that!

Film slows to NORMAL.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!
(Normal voice/Embarrassed.)
I mean, stop that…
(Half a beat.)
Anyway, in the last film the Doctor and Petite Toots landed in England in the late 1990s.   Megan was no longer with them since she had been abandoned in some faraway time and place by the Doctor…
(Half a beat.)
Who thought she was taking her to Brisbane circa 1998.

PETITE TOOTS O/S (Shouting.)
Oh spin-on!

WHIRRING OF TAPE as FAST-MO starts.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!   Stop that!

Film slows to NORMAL.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!
(Normal voice/Embarrassed.)
I mean, stop that…
(Half a beat.)
Petite Toots had hardly started her classes at Cold-Cunt School, when the Doctor burst in and told her the Time-Dorks had ordered them to go to eighteenth century France to stop Zontag Zeekgrikkian.   Who had taken her Montagian Fleet back through time to conquer France.   Petite Toots you might remember is an American, who’s real name is Jessie.   She was rescued by the Doctor and Megan after the rest of her family had been brutally murdered by the Saltaran Warriors.

PETITE TOOTS O/S (Shouting.)
Sultana Warriors!

BORING OLD FART
Shut up!

TURDLOW/DOCTOR/
TEACHER/ABRICK/BRIGADIER O/S
Shut up!

KAY-SWINE O/S
Squeak!   Squeak!   Squeak!   Squeak!   Squeak!

BORING OLD FART (Angry.)
Shut up when I’m trying to bore them all to tears!

TURDLOW O/S (Shouting.)
Oh spin-on!

WHIRRING OF TAPE as FAST-MO starts.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!   Stop that!

Film slows to NORMAL.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!
(Normal voice/Embarrassed.)
I mean, stop that…
(Half a beat.)
On the way across the school yard the Doctor and Petite Toots rescued Turdlow from some bullies.   And the three of them went off on a jaunt to Ancient Rome, before stopping in at the White House in late 1998.   Where they prevented the President from being assassinated by a silicone based bimbo named Andred, nicknamed Psycho-Babe by Turdlow.

TEACHER O/S (Shouting.)
Oh spin-on!

WHIRRING OF TAPE as FAST-MO starts.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!   Stop that!

Film slows to NORMAL.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!
(Normal voice/Embarrassed.)
I mean, stop that…
(Half a beat.)
Petite Toots you may remember came into this series to replace Thickie and Abrick.   Now Thickie was the regeneration of the early character of Vicki.   Unlike the Doctor, Vicki was not a Time-Dork, so her regeneration is a long and very boring story…
(Half a beat.)
Which I am now going to tell you.

BULLY #2 O/S (Shouting.)
Oh spin-on!

WHIRRING OF TAPE as FAST-MO starts.

Old Man continues talking in a high, squeaky voice, as tape starts FAST-MO for eight or ten seconds.

Finally tape slows to NORMAL.

BORING OLD FART
And that is the story of how Vicki regenerated into Thickie, despite not being a Time-Dork.   Now in this movie the Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots are shanghaied by the Time-Dorks again and ordered to go back to eighteenth century France to tackle Zontag Zeekgrikkian and her Montagian Fleet as they were supposed to do in the last film.

KAY-SWINE O/S (Shouting.)
Squeak!   Squeak!   Squeak!   Squeak!   Squeak!

BRIGADIER O/S (Shouting.)
That means, “Spin on!”

WHIRRING OF TAPE as FAST-MO starts.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!   Stop that!   Stop that!

Film slows to NORMAL.

BORING OLD FART (In high, squeaky voice.)
Stop that!
(Normal voice/Angry.)
Oh stuff it.   If that’s how you feel, I’m leaving!

He stands and totters O/S to LHS of SHOT.

FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY — PETITE TOOTS (A.K.A. JESSIE.)
is seated at a desk in the front row of a crowded classroom.

PETITE TOOTS is about ten or eleven, small, blonde, with an American accent, stubborn and a bit of a know-it-all, having picked up exotic knowledge from travelling with the Doctor.

There is no sign of the teacher and the kids are starting to look impatient.

BOY (Looking at wristwatch.)
Man, she’s late.

GIRL
Again.

GIRL #2
With any luck she’s not coming.

PETITE TOOTS (a.k.a. Jessie.)
But then we won’t be able to learn anything.

BOY #2
Du-u-u-u-uuh, who cares?

GIRL #3
Who wants to learn anything anyway?

BOY
Yeah, what planet do you come from, Jessie?

The kids all laugh at this.

PETITE TOOTS
This one…
(Half a beat.)
But from a different time zone.

The kids stop laughing and turn round to stare at her.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then a female teacher appears in the corridor outside the door.

GIRL #2
Oh God, here she is.

BOY #2
I knew it was too good to be true.

PETITE TOOTS
Good, now we can learn.

All the kids turn round to stare at her again.

The door opens and TEACHER walks in carrying an armload of papers, and shuts the door behind her.

She walks over to the front desk and puts down the papers and separates them into three piles.

TEACHER
All right, today we’re having a test.

All the kids groan at this, except Petite Toots.

PETITE TOOTS
Goody.

The kids turn round and stare at her again.

TEACHER
But first we have last night’s homework questions to answer.

All the kids groan at this, except Petite Toots.

TEACHER
Relax, the answers might help you with the test.

She sorts through a pile of papers on the desk and lifts up a page.

TEACHER
Now who can tell me, what U.S. Statesman, in a speech in the Virginia Convention on the 23rd of March 1775 said, “Give me liberty, or give me death!”?

She looks about the classroom but all the kids look puzzled.

TEACHER (Almost pleadingly.)
Anyone at all?
(Sighing from frustration.)
It was Patrick Henry, 1736-1799…
(Half a beat.)
All right, here’s an easy one….

GIRL #2
We’ve heard that one before.

All the kids snicker.

TEACHER
Who was it who first said, “Neither a lender, nor a borrower be”?

She looks about the classroom but all the kids look puzzled.

TEACHER
Anyone?

GIRL #2 (Putting up right hand.)
Ebenezer Scrooge?

All the kids snicker.

TEACHER
No.
(Sighing from frustration.)
William Shakespeare in Hamlet, Act One, Scene Three.

GIRL #3
Du-u-u-u-u-uh, that was an easy one.

All the kids snicker.

TEACHER
All right, who said, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven”?

BOY #2
A poor man?

All the kids snicker.

TEACHER
Jesus, in the bible, dammit it.
(Sighing from frustration.)
All right, question four: who was it, just before the French Revolution of 1789-93 who said, “Let them eat cake”?

PETITE TOOTS (Putting up hand.)
Ooh!   Ooh!   Ooh!

TEACHER (Looking pleased.)
Jessie?

PETITE TOOTS
Zontag Zeekgrikkian, Supreme Galactic Ruler of the Montagian Fleet.   Her complete quote was, “let them eat yellow-cake and wash it down with the run off from the nuclear piles.”

Teacher looks amazed; other kids all start snickering.

BOY
Man, this chick is weird.

GIRL
You’re not wrong there.

Kids all laugh louder.

PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Shut up, dingles, I orta know, I was there.   Me, Megan, & the DOCTOR.

In the b/g as Petite Toots talks, the other kids gradually start laughing more and more loudly.

PETITE TOOTS
Zontag Zeekgrikkian had taken the Montagian Fleet back through time to conquer eighteenth century France and build the world’s first nuclear power stations.   So the time-dorks shanghaied me, Megan, & the Doctor, and forced us to go back through time to destroy the Montagian Fleet and chase Zontag Zeekgrikkian back to her own galaxy.
(Half a beat.)
Which we had to do, on account of the fact that the Doctor grossly violated the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life after she was killed in 1929 in Chicago…
(Half a beat.)
If it hadn’t been for us, Zontag Zeekgrikkian would still be on the throne of France.   And the whole galaxy would now be speaking Zontakian Grikkelspiek.

The kids are laughing so hard; they’re almost having fits.

TEACHER (Astonished.)
Er, well, according to the history books it was Marie Antoinette, who said it, Jessie.

PETITE TOOTS (Waving a hand round dismissively.)
Oh it’s probably just a misprint.   Marie Antoinette was just a bit of spare Zontag Zeekgrikkian kept hanging round the palace to satisfy her horny Montagian Generals.   That bimbo didn’t know yellow cake from banana cake.

Some of the kids are now rolling around on the floor, laughing.

GIRL #3 (Between laughter.)
Oh my God, I’m gonna pee myself.

She leaps up and races across to the door, unlocks it and runs out into the corridor.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS retreating down corridor.

TEACHER
Suzie, come back here!

She starts after Girl #3.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE approaching down the corridor.

Teacher stops and waits by the door.

The Doctor, dressed in a red mini-skirt, carrying a huge, cloth bag on her left arm, appears from down the corridor and knocks on the door.

TEACHER
Yes, can I help you?

DOCTOR
Yes, I’ve come to collect Petite…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is Jessie.

TEACHER
Are you her mother?

DOCTOR
No, I’m the Doctor.

The Doctor is a tall, shapely redhead, and is a scientist, qualified in seemingly every field.   She is not quite as sarcastic as Petite Toots, and is notoriously clumsy.

BOY
So you’re the Doctor, and you’ve come to collect Jessie?

DOCTOR
Yes, that’s right.

BOY
That explains everything!

All the kids double up with laughter again.

DOCTOR (Holding out her right hand.)
Come on, Jessie, Zontag Zeekgrikkian is on the rampage again.   And if we don’t stop her for good this time, the whole galaxy will end up talking Zontakian Grikkelspiek.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh, my God!

She leaps out of her desk and races after the Doctor and they both race out into the corridor.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS retreating down the corridor.

GIRL #2 (Puzzled.)
Did she say she was the Doctor?   Or another one of his patients?

All the kids double up with laughter again.
 
EXT. SCHOOL YARD — DAY — TURDLOW,
a boy of fifteen or sixteen, is walking across the schoolyard and passes a blue, police phone box.

TURDLOW is a redhead, about fifteen, a bit of a braggart, yet a coward at heart.   The two traits mean he gets beaten up fairly regularly.

Four bullies start walking across toward him.

BULLY #1
Hey, Leotard, what’re you doing outtalk class?

BULLY #2
Hope you’re not wagging, Leotard?

TURDLOW
That’s Turdlow.   And I’m not wagging. 
(Taking slip of paper out of blazer pocket.)
I’ve got a note for being late to class.

BULLY #3
Hey, he’s got a note from mummy.

He grabs the note from Turdlow.

TURDLOW
Hey, give me that!

Bully #3 runs away a few metres and waves around the paper.

BULLY #3
Come and get it, mummy’s boy.

The four bullies all laugh at this.

TURDLOW
I am not a mummy’s boy, you arsehole!

The four bullies all stop laughing.

BULLY #4
What was that, Leotard?

He steps forward and punches Turdlow in the stomach.

Turdlow groans and collapses.

BULLY #1
Let’s punch his guts in!

BULLY #1 & BULLY #2 grab Turdlow and pull him back to his feet and hold him up by the arms.  

BULLY #3 & BULLY #4 start punching Turdlow in the stomach.

Turdlow struggles, but is not strong enough to break away from the boys holding him up as the other two keep punching him in the guts.

BULLY #1
Go on, punch him in the guts!

Bully #3 & Bully #4 do as instructed.

DOOR SLAMMING BEHIND THEM.

Bully #3 & Bully #4 look around and see Petite Toots & the Doctor step out through the door, which has crashed into the wall, and start across the tarmac toward them.

BULLY #1
Go on, it’s just some kid and her mum.

Bully #3 & Bully #4 keep beating up Turdlow as Petite Toots and the Doctor walk across toward the blue phone box near them.

PETITE TOOTS
Hey look…
(Pointing at Turdlow & Bullies.)
Those idiots are blocking the entrance to the Retardis.

THE DOCTOR
You are so caring, Petite Toots.

PETITE TOOTS
Thank you.

THE DOCTOR
Sarcasm is wasted on you, isn’t it?

Petite Toots considers this for a moment as they walk across to Turdlow & the bullies.

THE DOCTOR (To Bullies.)
What’s going down in Groove Town, movers and grooves?

BULLY #1
We’re beating up Leotard.

THE DOCTOR
Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop now.

BULLY #2 (Shocked.)
What was that?

PETITE TOOTS
You heard her.
(She steps back behind the Doctor.)

THE DOCTOR
It’s easy to be tough, when you’re hiding behind me, isn’t it?

PETITE TOOTS
It sure is, Doc.

BULLY #1
Go get her, George.

Bully #3 stops punching Turdlow & charges toward the Doctor.

Petite Toots squeals and runs away a few metres.

The Doctor steps aside, grabs Bully #3 by the arm and judo-throws him across the schoolyard.

BULLY #3
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He crashes to the tarmac and lies unconscious.

BULLY #1
You psycho bitch!

Bully #1 & Bully #4 run toward the Doctor.

The Doctor swings up her left foot and kicks Bully #1 in the crotch.

Bully #1 screams and falls to the ground clutching himself between the legs.

The Doctor sidesteps Bully #4 allowing him to charge straight past her, then karate chops him on the back of the neck.

He grunts and crashes face down onto the tarmac.

THE DOCTOR
Now allow me to reiterate, what’s going down in Groove Town, movers and groovers?

BULLY #2
Run for it!   It’s psycho-babe!

He turns and runs back toward the school building, followed by Bully #1, still clutching his groin as he runs.

PETITE TOOTS
Good, now we can get into the Retardis.

She heads toward the blue phone box, as the Doctor walks across toward Turdlow.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up you teensy-weensy Tyrannosaurus Rex, and help me with him.

PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
How dare you, my name isn’t Rex…
(Half a beat.)
Rex is a boy’s name.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, and help me get him into the Retardis.

PETITE TOOTS
Damn, all right.

She walks over and helps the Doctor to help Turdlow to his feet.

They support Turdlow between them as they walk across toward the front door of the blue phone box.

TURDLOW
What’s the Retardis?

PETITE TOOTS
Our time-and-space machine.
(She points at blue phone box.)

TURDLOW
That blue phone box?   You mean to tell me you travel through time and space in that?

PETITE TOOTS
We sure do.

TURDLOW
Nonsense, we won’t even all get inside it.

THE DOCTOR
Trust me it’s bigger on the inside, than you might think.

The Doctor and Petite Toots help Turdlow into the blue phone box.

INT. INSIDE BLUE PHONE BOX — DAY — PETITE TOOTS,
the Doctor, & Turdlow are squashed into the phone box.

PETITE TOOTS
Ah, Doc, I could be wrong, of course…
(Half a beat.)
But something tells me this isn’t the Retardis.

THE DOCTOR (Thinking a moment.)
Hell, now where did I park that damn jalopy again?   I know it’s in this school somewhere.

PETITE TOOTS
She’s always forgetting where she parked the damn thing.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up!   Don’t distract me now!

EXT. SCHOOL YARD — DAY — THE DOCTOR &
Petite Toots step out of the phone box still half-carrying Turdlow between them and start looking around.

360 PAN ROUND schoolyard.

Fifty metres away is another blue phone box.

PETITE TOOTS
Ah that must be the Retardis.

The Doctor and Petite Toots start dragging Turdlow across to it.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED
Door opens LHS of SHOT and the Doctor and Petite Toots enter still carrying Turdlow between them.

THE DOCTOR
Let’s put him down near the consul, then you can go get the medical kit.

PETITE TOOTS
Why me?   Why do I have to do everything?

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Okay, I’ll go get the medical kit.

They half-carry, half-drag Turdlow across to the consul and put him down on the floor.

Then the Doctor heads toward the door to the corridor, RHS of SHOT.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — LATER
Turdlow (heavily bandaged) & Petite Toots are standing watching as the Doctor sets in co-ordinates.

PETITE TOOTS
Where to know, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
How about ancient Rome?

PETITE TOOTS
You bet!

THE DOCTOR
Okay, ancient Rome it is.

TURDLOW (In disbelief.)
Ancient Rome?

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, we told you the Retardis is a time and space machine.

The Doctor sets in co-ordinates, and then picks up a small calculator and starts tapping in numbers.

PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
What are you doing, Doc?

THE DOCTOR
Whenever we travel back past 1 AD, I have to make a calculation to allow for the Dingleberryean Error.

PETITE TOOTS
The what?

THE DOCTOR
Back in the 1570s AD there was a Pope Dingleberry, who invented a new form of Mathematics called Dingleberryean Maths.

TURDLOW
Oh God, she’s gonna lecture us on Maths!

PETITE TOOTS
Just so long as she doesn’t try to prove that pi equals two pasties and a sausage roll…
(Half a beat.)
As she tried to do last week.

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I could have proven that…!
(Half a beat.)
Er, anyway, the point is that the whole basis of traditional maths is the simple equation plus-one minus one equals zero.   But in Dingleberryean Maths it is plus-one minus one equals minus-one.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW (Amazed.)
What?

THE DOCTOR
So when Pope Dingleberry invented the modern Dingleberryean Calendar, instead of logically going from neg. one or 1 BC to the year zero, he jumped to pos. one or 1 AD.   So, having no year zero between 1 BC and 1 AD means there is a one year error in calculations going from AD to BC.   Unless you make an adjustment for the Dingleberryean Error.   That’s also why the third millennium doesn’t really start till the first of January 2001.

The Doctor finishes her calculations, and then punches them into the flight consul.

Then she reaches down and pulls a circuit board out from the flight consul.

PETITE TOOTS
What are you doing now?

THE DOCTOR
Trying to fix the Chimaera Circuit.

She pushes a button and a small monitor pops up out of the consul.

The Doctor presses another button and the image of the Retardis appears on the monitor.

THE DOCTOR
Then in theory we should be able to do this.

She starts typing on a keyboard and the image of the Retardis changes on the screen from a blue phone box into a yellow step-pyramid.

PETITE TOOTS
And doesn’t it work?

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Well, of course, it doesn’t work.

The Doctor turns a knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.

Doctor and Petite Toots turn and walk over to the door.

EXT. STEP PYRAMID — DAY — THE DOCTOR & PETITE TOOTS
are standing at the top of the pyramid.

PETITE TOOTS
I thought you said it didn’t work?

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Weeeeell?

Suddenly the Retardis changes back to a blue phone box and the Doctor and Petite Toots plummet to the ground.

THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

EXT. SCHOOL YARD, BASE OF THE RETARDIS — DAY

PETITE TOOTS (Climbing to her feet.)
What happened?

THE DOCTOR
Well, stop me if I’m getting too technical…
(Half a beat.)
Basically something’s not working.

PETITE TOOTS
Wow, that is technical…
(Half a beat.)
By your lowly standards.

The Doctor stands up and she and Petite Toots walk into the Retardis.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
What happened, I heard screams?

PETITE TOOTS
If I told you, you’d never believe me.

The Doctor walks across to the flight consul.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, ancient Rome here we come.

She presses some buttons on the consul.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow are all thrown to the floor as the Retardis lurches wildly.

PETITE TOOTS
That’s what I like.   A smooth take-off.

INT. U.S.A., WHITE HOUSE, CORRIDOR — DAY

BILL CLINTON is walking along with a number of English VIPs, including the BRIGADIER.

BRIGADIER is grey-haired, with a bushy moustache.   He is a primly proper, no-nonsense military type who has been working with the Doctor off and on for decades.

A SECURITY GUARD steps forward and opens a door so the President, the Brigadier and the others may enter the office.

SECURITY GUARD
Who the hell are you, babe?

PSYCHO-BABE
My name is Andred, and I have come here to kill the President of the United States of America.
(To Security Guard.)
Are you the President of the United States of America?

SECURITY GUARD (Pointing at Bill Clinton.)
No, ma’am, he is.

Bill Clinton stares at Security Guard in disbelief.

BILL CLINTON (In disbelief.)
You great dingleberry!

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — THE DOCTOR,
Petite Toots, and Turdlow standing by consul looking at the viewer-screen on which can be seen a large arena.

TURDLOW
I don’t believe it.   It’s some kind of video-program.

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Are you calling me some kind of charlatan?

TURDLOW (Apologetic.)
No, of course not, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
That’s all right then.

TURDLOW
More like a bogus fraud.

The Doctor glares at him.

PETITE TOOTS
Well, that’s not as bad as calling you a charlatan.

TURDLOW
Have you ever been here before, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
To ancient Rome?   Oh yes.

PETITE TOOTS
How long ago?

THE DOCTOR
I’m not sure.

She reaches under the flight consul and pulls out some enormous hardbound, hand-written books.

THE DOCTOR
It should be in my diaries somewhere.

The Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots each start flipping through a different volume of the books.

TURDLOW
Doctor, these diaries make no sense.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, the dates don’t run in consecutive order.

THE DOCTOR
Of course not, I’m a Time-Dork.   I travel back and forth in time.   So naturally they don’t run in consecutive order.

TURDLOW (Frustrated.)
Then how the hell are we supposed to look anything up in them?

THE DOCTOR
They’re cross-referenced, of course.

PETITE TOOTS (Sarcastic.)
Oh, of course.

THE DOCTOR
Trust me, for once…
(Half a beat.)
Now, let me see.

She glances at the first diary and flips back and forth for a while.

THE DOCTOR
Ah-ha, see it says, “Go to second volume, book three, page eleven-seventy-three”.

She glances at the second diary and flips back and forth for a while.

THE DOCTOR
“Go to third volume, book five, page twenty-eight-zero-four”.

She starts hunting under the flight consul for a while until pulling out another book, which she flips back and forth through for a while.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — HALF AN
HOUR LATER — THE DOCTOR now has half-a-dozen different volumes on the consul, each with various bookmarks protruding from them.

THE DOCTOR
And after all of that, we find that the answer is…
(Half a beat.)
Seven.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Seven?

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Seven?   That can’t be right.

She flips back and forth through the top volume.

THE DOCTOR (Pleased.)
Oh yes, of course, that’s counting in Earth time…
(Half a beat.)
7 BC.

PETITE TOOTS
The last time you were here was 7 BC, in Earth time?

THE DOCTOR
Yes.   At a little after noon.

TURDLOW
Well, what date is it now in Earth time?

The Doctor glances at her wristwatch.

THE DOCTOR
Just a few seconds before 3200 AD.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW (Shocked.)
3200 AD?

PETITE TOOTS
So it’s 3207 Earth years since you’ve been here before?

THE DOCTOR (Looking at wristwatch.)
Plus two hours.

PETITE TOOTS
I wonder if anything has changed since you were here last?

The Doctor and Turdlow stare at her.

THE DOCTOR (Picking up a pen.)
Anyway, I’d better cross-reference this.
(Writing as she speaks.)
Rome a few seconds before 3200 AD.

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
But I thought we were supposed to be in ancient Rome?

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, 3200 AD isn’t exactly ancient Rome?

THE DOCTOR
Moan!   Moan!   Moan!   Moan!   Moan!   I got us to Rome, isn’t that close enough?

Turdlow and Petite Toots stare at her.

PETITE TOOTS
Actually, you know, by her standards this is a near miss.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up!   Okay, ancient Rome here we come.

She presses some buttons on the consul.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.

Petite Toots screams and races across and leaps up onto the Retardis, pulls a safety belt around herself and does it up.

The Retardis lurches wildly and the Doctor, and Turdlow are both thrown to the floor.

TURDLOW
Hey, how come she’s got a safety belt?

PETITE TOOTS
Abrick bolted it to the consul for Megan, and after the Doctor dumped Megan at Brisbane, I inherited it.

Turdlow and the Doctor climb back to their feet.

TURDLOW
That isn’t fair.

PETITE TOOTS
Life’s like that.   You’re lucky you’re not in Brisbane, like Megan.

TURDLOW
Yes, that’s true…
(Half a beat.)
Will this contraption really take us away from here, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Contraption, how dare you?   I’ll have you know the Retardis is a finely tuned piece of machinery.

SPLUTTERING, then OLD MOTOR STOPS.

THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Come on you cheap pile of junk!

She starts slamming a fist repeatedly upon the flight consul, and kicking the side of the consul, until after a moment OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY as the Retardis starts again.

TURDLOW
But how come the Retardis is bigger on the inside than outside?

THE DOCTOR
It’s all to do with four-dimensional time-space vectors.

TURDLOW
To coin a phrase…
(Half a beat.)
Huh!

THE DOCTOR
Well, let me explain it like this.

The Doctor reaches under the flight consul and takes out a large plastic cube and a smaller cube.

THE DOCTOR (Holding them up.)
Which one of these is larger?

TURDLOW (Pointing at large cube.)
That one.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, but what if I hold them like this?

She holds the small cube near Turdlow’s face and holds the large cube as far away from him as she can.

THE DOCTOR
Which one is larger now?

TURDLOW
The one a long way away.   Just moving it away doesn’t really alter its size.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, but in relation to the other cube, it looks smaller.

TURDLOW
Yes, but that’s only an illusion.   Like when you’re fishing and you catch a tiddler and you hold your arm near the camera, while standing further back, so in the photo it looks like you’ve caught a Southern Right Whale.   When it’s really only a pilchard.

THE DOCTOR
Exactly.   See, simple, isn’t it?

TURDLOW (Insistent.)
No.   That’s only an illusion.   The Retardis really is small on the outside and big on the inside.

THE DOCTOR
How do you know?

TURDLOW
Well, I know it’s big on the inside because it took half an hour each way to get to and from the medical room.   And I know it’s small outside, because when it first appeared in the schoolyard I walked all the way around it in less than a minute.   And no matter how small it may look, if it’s really huge, I couldn’t possibly have walked around it in under a minute.   Now could I?

THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Er, well, um…
(Half a beat.)
No, I guess not.

PETITE TOOTS
Actually she doesn’t know why it’s bigger on the inside than it is outside…
(Half a beat.)
That’s just the way it’s always been.

The Doctor looks extremely embarrassed.

INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE — DAY — AS BEFORE
Psycho-Babe is pointing laser-gun at Bill Clinton.

PSYCHO-BABE
Now you shall die, Mr President.

BRIGADIER
For God’s sake, men, attack!

Four secret service men race toward Psycho-Babe. 

Psycho-Babe holds up the laser-gun and fires it.

A green ray ROARS out, lifts 1ST AGENT off the ground and tossing him backwards.

2ND AGENT reaches for his own gun.

Psycho-Babe fires at him.   The green beam lifts him and hurls him backwards.

Psycho-Babe spins and fires at the 3RD AGENT sending him flying backwards across the office with a grunt.

4TH AGENT fires his handgun, just missing Psycho-Babe. 

Psycho-Babe spins and fires at 4th Agent sending him flying backwards across the office.

BRIGADIER (Pointing at Psycho-Babe/Shouting.)
For God’s sake, somebody stop that psychotic bitch!

Four more agents race across toward Psycho-Babe.

Psycho-Babe fires the laser-gun again.

The green ray ROARS out, lifts 5TH AGENT off the ground and tosses him backwards.

6TH AGENT fires his handgun, missing Psycho-Babe. 

Psycho-Babe fires at 6th Agent.   The green beam lifts him and hurls him backwards across the office.

Psycho-Babe fires at the 7TH AGENT sending him flying back down the court chamber.

8TH AGENT reaches for his own gun.

Psycho-Babe spins and fires at the 8th Agent sending him flying.

BRIGADIER (Shouting.)
Chicken out, everyone!

Brigadier and other VIPs turn and race out of the office.

EXT. LARGE IRON-BARRED CAGE — DAY — RETARDIS
is sitting in the middle of the cage.

The Retardis doors open and Petite Toots, Turdlow, and the Doctor step out.

TURDLOW (Sceptical.)
Is this really ancient Rome?

THE DOCTOR
Have I ever been wrong before?

PETITE TOOTS
Oh God, she’s probably taken us back to Brisbane.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!

TURDLOW
Hey, we seem to be in some kind of a cage?

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, there are iron bars for walls.

TURDLOW
Could it be some kind of prison?

They walk deeper into the cage until reaching the bars.

THE DOCTOR
No…
(Half a beat.)
It looks more like….

The Doctor stops as they see other cages outside theirs.

One cage contains lions.   Another, tigers.

PETITE TOOTS
Lions and tigers?

TURDLOW
It’s a good thing we didn’t land in either of those cages.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, we’d be in deep trouble….

PADDING FOOTSTEPS behind them, then LOUD BREATHING.

The Doctor and Turdlow turn round to look.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh God, don’t tell me there are lions and tigers in this cage too?

TURDLOW
No, relax, just some leopards and pumas.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh thank God.
(Puzzled.)
What’s a puma?

THE DOCTOR
I think in America, you call it a cougar.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh I see.
(Looking shocked/Shouting.)
There are leopards and cougars behind us!

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

They turn and race across the compound and run into the Retardis.

Leopards and pumas race across after them and leap at the Retardis.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis vanishes and the leopards and pumas land where the Retardis used to be.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, you bimbo, you almost got us killed!

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
How dare you call me a bimbo!

TURDLOW
Yes, the Doctor’s no bimbo.

THE DOCTOR
Thank you, Turdlow.

TURDLOW
By definition bimbos are young, thin, and beautiful…
(Half a beat.)
Not old, fat, and ugly like the Doctor.

The Doctor glares at Turdlow.

PETITE TOOTS
So, where to now, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Where do you want to go?

TURDLOW
Anywhere as long as it’s away from here.

PETITE TOOTS
How about the U.S.A.?

THE DOCTOR
The U.S.A. it is then.

The Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.

INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE — DAY — AS BEFORE
Psycho-Babe is pointing laser-gun at Bill Clinton.

PSYCHO-BABE
Now you shall die, Mr President.

BILL CLINTON
You’ll never get away with this.

PSYCHO-BABE
On the contrary.   I shall.

BILL CLINTON
The best secret service agents in this country will hound you down to the ends of the Earth if you kill me.

PSYCHO-BABE
Ha, that doesn’t frighten me.
(Pointing at dead agents.)
I’ve already killed the best agents this country had…
(Half a beat.)
No to stop me now it would take a complete bumbling, stumble-footed incompetent.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis lands behind Psycho-Babe.

FOOTSTEPS INSIDE the Retardis.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — THE DOCTOR
is walking across toward the door.   Petite Toots and Turdlow a few paces behind her.

THE DOCTOR
Sunny Waikiki, here we come.

TURDLOW (Pointing at doorway.)
Doctor, look out for that loose step.

The Doctor gets her foot stuck in the loose step and goes flying out the door.

INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE — DAY — AS BEFORE
Psycho-Babe still pointing laser-gun at Bill Clinton.

THE DOCTOR O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Psycho-Babe spins round toward the Retardis as the Doctor comes flying out through the doors.

The Doctor crashes into Psycho-Babe, who goes flying backwards and crashes heavily to the floor with the Doctor landing on top of her.

Psycho-Babe’s laser-gun goes flying out of her hand.

Turdlow and Petite Toots step out of the Retardis and stare at the Doctor and Psycho-Babe in amazement.

Bill Clinton races over to pick up the laser-gun.

Then he races over to his desk.   He reaches down and starts pressing a red button under his desk.

ALARMS START BLARING and half-a-dozen heavily armed soldiers race into the office.

THE DOCTOR (Still lying on top of Psycho-Babe.)
Sorry about that.   I’ve been meaning to get that step fixed for centuries now…
(Half a beat.)
But somehow I never seem to get around to it.

BILL CLINTON (Pointing at Psycho-Babe.)
Arrest that silicone-titted bimbo.

Soldiers start look about in puzzlement.

1ST SOLDIER
Pamela Anderson?   Where, sir?

BILL CLINTON (Frustrated.)
I meant, that green-clad bimbo.
(Pointing at Psycho-Babe.)

1ST SOLDIER (Saluting.)
Yessir!

Soldiers race across to help the Doctor to her feet, and then they handcuff Psycho-Babe’s hands behind her back.

The Brigadier walks tentatively into the office as Psycho-Babe is being handcuffed, and sees the Doctor.

BRIGADIER
Doctor?   What are you doing in the White House?

THE DOCTOR
Just popped in for a visit.

BILL CLINTON
She’s a heroine, Brigadier, that’s what she’s doing here.   She leapt at that green-clad bitch and stopped her from murdering me.

BRIGADIER (Patting her on the back.)
Well done, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Er, well, um, that is, er, it was nothing.

BILL CLINTON
Nothing?   She’s so modest.

PETITE TOOTS (Frustrated.)
Trust her to get all the plaudits after stumbling into the villainess.

BILL CLINTON
She was marvellous.

Other VIPs return and start shaking hands with the Doctor and patting her on the back.

TURDLOW
Should we tell them what really happened?

PETITE TOOTS
No, let the bumbling, stumble-footed incompetent have her moment of false-glory.

PSYCHO-BABE
Doctor, is that your name?

PETITE TOOTS
No way, she’s more like the Dentist.

PSYCHO-BABE (Puzzled.)
The Dentist?

TURDLOW
Yes, she’s one major pain.

PSYCHO-BABE
I don’t know who you are, Doctor?   But I shall get you for this.   As long as I am alive I shall not rest until I track you down, to the ends of space and time, if necessary, and kill you horribly.

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I said I was sorry.
(To Brigadier.)
Some people just have to hold grudges, I guess.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, what a grouch!

TURDLOW
Yes, how tetchy can you get?

PSYCHO-BABE
Remember me, Doctor, my name is Andred.

TURDLOW
Also known as Psycho-Babe.

PETITE TOOTS
But, Doctor, I thought you were Psycho-Babe?

THE DOCTOR
Don’t be bloody stupid.

TURDLOW
Yes, the Doctor’s not good-looking enough to qualify as a babe.   A third-class babe maybe, but that’s about all.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!

PSYCHO-BABE (Shouting.)
Remember that name, Andred!   It is a name that soon all Earthmen will know and fear.

THE DOCTOR
I think you’ll find there are very few things that Earthmen fear…
(Half a beat.)
Well apart from dominant women.

PETITE TOOTS
Low-alcohol beer.

TURDLOW
And woman drivers.

PSYCHO-BABE
Just how big an idiot do you think I am?

Petite Toots takes out a tape measure and holds one end down on the floor and jambs it under Psycho-Babe’s shoe then pulls the other end up to Psycho-Babe’s head.

PETITE TOOTS (Reading off tape-measure.)
About five-foot eleven.

TURDLOW
And, at a guess, roughly two-hundred and fifty pounds.

PSYCHO-BABE
How dare you!

TURDLOW
Just trying to help.

Psycho-Babe glares at him as she is finally led out of the room.

PETITE TOOTS (Winding up tape-measure.)
Why is it that we seem to spend all our time avoiding being killed by one loony after another?

TURDLOW
Probably because we’re travelling round with the biggest loony of all.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, that would explain it.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — THE DOCTOR,
Petite Toots, and Turdlow standing by consul.

FOOTSTEPS outside, then the Brigadier walks in.

BRIGADIER
Doctor, so glad I caught you.

THE DOCTOR
We’re just about to leave.

BRIGADIER
No, you can’t, the President is throwing a party at the local fair grounds in your honour tonight for saving his life.

Turdlow and Petite Toots turn and stare at the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, he doesn’t have to know.

BRIGADIER
Know what, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Er, um, nothing, Brigadier.   You can tell the president I’ll be delighted to attend.

BRIGADIER
Splendid.
(He turns and exits Retardis.)

TURDLOW
You lucky bumbler, Doctor.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, they all think you’re a hero.

TURDLOW
Yes, only we know what a bumbling, stumble-footed incompetent you really are.

PETITE TOOTS
Boy, is this ever gonna cost you.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — THAT
EVENING — THE DOCTOR, Turdlow, and Petite Toots all dressed to the nines.

The Doctor, carrying her giant cloth bag, is standing by the door as Turdlow and Petite Toots straggle behind her.

THE DOCTOR (Impatiently.)
Come on, get your skates on.

Petite Toots and Turdlow bend down and put on Roller Blades.

They both start skating and fall over onto their backsides.

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
On second thoughts, you’d better walk.

Petite Toots and Turdlow pull off the Roller Blades, then stand up and start brushing themselves down with their hands.

The Doctor goes over to help Turdlow pat himself down.

THE DOCTOR
You’re looking smart tonight, Turdlow.

TURDLOW
Yes, the chicks are going to be lining up to get to me tonight.

PETITE TOOTS
Why, are you gonna be the target at the shooting gallery?

TURDLOW
You little bitch!

Petite Toots squeals and charges past the Doctor and out of the Retardis, with Turdlow just behind her.

INT. WHITE HOUSE, PRESIDENT’S OFFICE — NIGHT
The door opens and Security Guard and Brigadier enter.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Petite Toots races out of the Retardis, closely followed by Turdlow.   They stop when they see the Brigadier and Security Guard.

FOOTSTEPS INSIDE the Retardis, then the Doctor walks out, carrying her giant cloth-bag on her left arm.

BRIGADIER
Doctor, the president sent us to collect you….

PETITE TOOTS
Why?   Couldn’t he be bothered collecting her himself?

BRIGADIER
No, he has to open a new wing at the state museum.

PETITE TOOTS
A likely story.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE STATE MUSEUM — NIGHT
Stretch limo pulls up.   Security Guard gets out of the front seat and walks round to open the back door and holds it open as Petite Toots, the Doctor, the Brigadier and Turdlow climb out.

They walk up to the front door, where Security Guard produces a number of security passes, which he shows to the guard on duty.

INT. CORRIDOR INSIDE FRONT OF MUSEUM — NIGHT
Security Guard enters followed by the Brigadier, the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow.

SECURITY GUARD (Looking at his wristwatch.)
We’d better hurry; the President will be well into his speech.

PETITE TOOTS
Damn…!
(Half a beat.)
I knew we got here too early.

INT. STAGE — NIGHT — BILL CLINTON
is on stage talking as the Doctor and the others appear from behind the curtain and stand at the back of the stage with other VIPs.

BILL CLINTON
On this very momentous occasion.   Indeed this epoch-making occasion as we move inexorably toward the new millennium….

The Doctor glances down at her wristwatch.

INT. STAGE — NIGHT — TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Bill Clinton still on stage talking.

BILL CLINTON
This truly stupendous new century that we are moving toward.   A new age of enlightenment   Of truth and justice the American way….

He stops and smiles at the audience, but no one laughs.

BILL CLINTON
Er, yes, this age of new discoveries, new quests as mankind possibly moves out further toward the stars….

The Doctor and the Brigadier glance down at their wristwatches.

INT. STAGE — NIGHT — HALF AN HOUR LATER
Bill Clinton still on stage talking.

BILL CLINTON
And after the colonisation of the moon and Mars, possibly like Captain Quirk and Mr Spak we will go on to boldly go where no man has gone before us on our quest for…

The Doctor, the Brigadier, Petite Toots, and Turdlow all glance down at their wristwatches.

INT. STAGE — NIGHT — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
Bill Clinton still on stage talking.

BILL CLINTON
Indeed, what a truly wondrous epoch-making age we are moving toward as America and indeed the whole world moves inexorably toward….

The Doctor, the Brigadier, Petite Toots, and Turdlow all glance down at their wristwatches.

People in the audience are also all looking at their watches now.

In b/g Bill Clinton continues talking in a low buzz.

PETITE TOOTS (Bored.)
How much longer is he going to talk for?

The Doctor reaches into her cloth bag and hunts round till finding her psychic-screwdriver.

She looks back at Petite Toots and hands her the psychic-screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR
Will you do the honours, Petite Toots?

PETITE TOOTS
Certainly, Doc.

She looks back at Turdlow and hands him the psychic-screwdriver.

PETITE TOOTS
Turdlow, will you do the honours?

PETITE TOOTS
Certainly, Petite Toots.

He looks back at the Brigadier and hands him the psychic-screwdriver.

TURDLOW
Brigadier, will you do the honours?

BRIGADIER
Certainly, Turdlow.

He looks back at Security Guard and hands him the psychic-screwdriver.

BRIGADIER
Mr Jones, will you do the honours?

SECURITY GUARD
Certainly, Brigadier.

Security Guard steps up to a brick wall at the back of the stage, spins round the psychic-screwdriver with a WHIRRING to adjust it to laser, and presses a small button on the psychic-screwdriver.

A yellow laser beam shoots out of the psychic-screwdriver and Security Guard aims it at the mortar between a layer of bricks.

He carefully lasers out the mortar above a brick, then down the side, then below it, then up the other side.

As Security Guard lasers out the last of the mortar, the brick falls down with a CLUNK.

He releases the button and the laser beam stops.

Security Guard picks up the brick in his other hand and turns back to the Brigadier.

Then he holds out the brick and the psychic-screwdriver in different hands.

SECURITY GUARD
Brigadier, will you do the honours?

BRIGADIER
Certainly, Mr Jones.

He takes the brick in one hand, the psychic-screwdriver in the other and holds them both out toward Turdlow.

BRIGADIER
Turdlow, will you do the honours?

TURDLOW
Certainly, Brigadier.

He takes the brick in one hand, the psychic-screwdriver in the other and holds them both out toward Petite Toots.

TURDLOW
Petite Toots, will you do the honours?

PETITE TOOTS
Certainly, Turdlow.

She takes the brick in one hand, the psychic-screwdriver in the other and holds them both out toward the Doctor.

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, will you do the honours?

THE DOCTOR
Certainly, Petite Toots.

She takes the brick in one hand, the psychic-screwdriver in the other hand, and puts the psychic-screwdriver into her cloth bag.

Then she walks up behind Bill Clinton.

BILL CLINTON
An epoch-making era.   A millennium the likes of which has never been seen before in the history of human….

The Doctor raises the brick in both hands and hits Bill Clinton on the back of the head with it.

The brick shatters and Bill Clinton grunts and crashes forward onto the lectern, which collapses under him.

Audience jump to their feet and applaud wildly.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/BRIGADIER/SECURITY GUARD
Well done, Doc, well done!

The Doctor takes a bow to the audience, then turns toward the Brigadier and the others and bows again.

SECURITY GUARD
Er, while the President is having a little nap, perhaps you would like to have a bit of a look through the museum library and other exhibits?

THE DOCTOR
Good idea, Mr Jones.

INT. MUSEUM, LIBRARY — NIGHT — THE DOCTOR &
the others being lead through a great library by Security Guard.

TURDLOW
Wow, look at all the books in this library!

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, they’ve got everything here.   Biographies.
(Pointing at one of the rows.)
Histories.
(Pointing at one of the rows.)
Encyclopaedias.
(Pointing at one of the rows.)
Thesauruses.
(Pointing at one of the rows.)

THE DOCTOR
Smart-arse, you wouldn’t even know what a thesaurus is!

PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Of course I do…
(Half a beat.)
It’s a type of dinosaur that reads a lot.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, so I was wrong…
(Half a beat.)
You do know what a thesaurus is.

SECURITY GUARD (Amazed.)
Is she being cruelly ironic, or what?

BRIGADIER
I honestly don’t know, it’s so hard to tell with her at times.

TURDLOW
Yeah, the Doctor can say some incredibly clever things at times…
(Half a beat.)
But more often than not she says incredibly dumb things.

Security Guard stares at Turdlow for a moment, then stares at the Doctor again.

They walk across to a door, which Security Guard opens for them.

SECURITY GUARD
Here’s a section the kids might like more than the library.

They step through the door.

INT. DINOSAUR DISPLAY AREA — NIGHT — THE DOCTOR
and the others step through the door from the library.

TURDLOW (Staring at a massive dinosaur.)
Wow, look at the size of that thing!

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, are the dinosaurs our ancestors?

THE DOCTOR
Don’t be so dumb, of course not.

PETITE TOOTS
It’s not dumb.

TURDLOW
Yeah, imagine being descended from the mighty Tyrannosaurus!
(Looking at the Doctor.)
I wonder what dinosaur the Doctor would be descended from?

PETITE TOOTS
I’m not sure.
(Considering a moment.)
Is there a dickhead-osaurus?

THE DOCTOR
No, but there’s a muscle head-osaurus.   As a rule it’s small, blonde and female, and talks with an American accent.

TURDLOW
It’s also known as the bimbo-osaurus.

PETITE TOOTS
Hey!   I think I’ve just been insulted.
(Considering a moment.)
Twice!

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S LHS of SHOT and people SCREAMING.

SECURITY GUARD (Pulling gun from holster.)
What the hell…?

Door LHS of SHOT bursts open and Psycho-Babe runs in followed by half-a-dozen armed goons.

Security Guard aims his gun at one of Psycho-Babe’s goons and FIRES, killing him.

A second goon SHOOTS Security Guard who falls to the floor.

The Doctor & her companions race over to examine him.

SECURITY GUARD (Faintly.)
Tell Laura…
(Half a beat.)
She’s a bitch and I hate her!

BRIGADIER
He’s just had a nasty separation from his wife.

Security Guard sighs, and then collapses.

TURDLOW
Oh, my God, he’s dead.

THE DOCTOR (Shrugging.)
Oh well, no one lives forever.

TURDLOW (Shocked.)
Don’t you think that was pretty tactless, Doctor?

PETITE TOOTS
Especially coming from a Time-Dork with another sixteen regenerations, and possibly two thousand years to live.

THE DOCTOR (Considering a moment.)
Oh yeah, I guess it was pretty tactless.
(Shrugging.)
Oh well, no one lives forever.

TURDLOW (Angry.)
Doctor!

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
What is it now?

PSYCHO-BABE (Angry.)
Stop this ceaseless chatter, Doctor.   You are the most addle-brained imbecile I have ever encountered.

THE DOCTOR
Nah nah na nah nah!   Sticks and stones will break my bones…!

The Doctor sticks her tongue out at Psycho-Babe.

BRIGADIER (Amazed.)
Trust the Doctor to always have a snappy retort handy.

PSYCHO-BABE (Angry.)
Brigadier, you are an uncouth boor.

BRIGADIER (Indignant.)
How dare you, I’ll have you know I’m a man of breeding!

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, he does as much breeding as he can.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, you don’t want to bend over and touch your toes in front of that pervert.

BRIGADIER
Exactly.

PSYCHO-BABE (Considering a moment.)
My apologies, Brigadier…
(Half a beat.)
Doctor, we have sworn to fight to the death!   Are we going to fight with arms, or will it merely be a battle of wits?

PETITE TOOTS
Well, it could be a battle of wits…
(Half a beat.)
Except the Doc’s only got half her ammo.

The Doctor turns and glares at Petite Toots.

PETITE TOOTS
I know, Doctor, “Shut up you pip-squeak pest”!

THE DOCTOR
No, I was going to say…
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

She turns and races across the room toward the door to the next chamber.

PSYCHO-BABE (Astonished.)
But, Doctor, we have sworn to fight to the death!

TURDLOW
You have, maybe.   But the Doctor has sworn to chicken out and run away at the first hint of danger.

Turdlow, Petite Toots, and the Brigadier turn and run after the Doctor.

INT. MUSEUM, SPACE EXPLORATION ROOM — NIGHT
Door SLAMS open.

The Doctor and the others race in and look around for another door; however, there is no sign of one.

TURDLOW
Doctor, it’s a dead-end.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, you dingle, you led us into a trap.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, there must be a way out of here, just look around.

PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Look around?

THE DOCTOR
Yes.

PETITE TOOTS
Look around?   So we don’t have to look a…?

The Doctor clamps a hand over Petite Toots’s mouth. 

Petite Toots mimes a triangle with her fingers, then mimes a square, then a rectangle, then a more complex shape.

THE DOCTOR
No, you don’t have to look a triangle, or a square, or a rectangle, or a dodecahedron.   Just around.   (Removing her hand.)

PETITE TOOTS
Oh, I see.

TURDLOW
But what can we do, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR (Looking around.)
Relax, guys and guyettes, I know just what to do.

The Doctor walks across to a model of Apollo 11 and picks it up.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then Psycho-Babe enters followed by her goons who point their guns at the Doctor.

BRIGADIER
Doctor, what will we do?

THE DOCTOR
Relax, I’ve got everything in hand.
(Holding up model Apollo 11.)
I used to be an Olympic standard javelin-thrower.

The Doctor throws the Apollo 11 model, which nose-dives into the ground at her feet and shatters.

Psycho-Babe, Petite Toots and the others all stare at the shattered model.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/BRIGADIER/PSYCHO-BABE
(Sceptical.)
An Olympic standard javelin-thrower?

THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, I never said I won any medals, did I?
(They all stare at her in disbelief.)
All right, I might have been exaggerating slightly…
(Half a beat.)
I was a pretty good darts player at my local pub on Gallafart in my teens.

PETITE TOOTS
But since she’s over nine-hundred now she’s a little out of practice.

THE DOCTOR
Exactly.

PSYCHO-BABE
Well, Doctor, you’re certainly articulate, anyway.

TURDLOW
Yes, like a lorry.

Petite Toots bends down to peer at the Doctor’s backside.

PETITE TOOTS (Straightening up again.)
And she’s certainly got the rear-end load for it.

The Doctor turns round to glare at her.

PSYCHO-BABE (Puzzled.)
I don’t know what to make of you and your friends, Doctor.   You all act like idiots, yet this one.
(Pointing at Turdlow.)
This one has intelligent eyes.

She bends over to peer into Petite Toots’s eyes for a second.

PSYCHO-BABE
So has this one.

She bends over to peer into the Brigadier’s eyes for a second.

PSYCHO-BABE
So has this one.

She bends over to peer into the Doctor’s eyes for a second.

PSYCHO-BABE
(Turning her back to the Doctor/Looking puzzled.)
Oh well, three outta four ain’t bad.

As Psycho-Babe starts to walk away, the Doctor lifts up her right foot places it against Psycho-Babe’s backside and gives her a shove, so Psycho-Babe goes flying into her hired goons.

PSYCHO-BABE
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

SKITTLES BEING KNOCKED OVER as Psycho-Babe and half her goons fall to the floor.

THE DOCTOR
Let that be a lesson, Psycho-Babe, we’re not as dumb as we look, here.

She starts to walk forward, trips over her own feet and goes flying.

THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The Doctor knocks over two more of Psycho-Babe’s goons.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/BRIGADIER
Well, three of us aren’t anyway.

Psycho-Babe, goons, and the Doctor all climb back to their feet.

PSYCHO-BABE (Angry.)
You cretin, I can’t even be bothered killing you myself.
(Pointing at her hired goons.)
Instead I’ll leave that rather dubious honour to my hired henchmen.

Armed goons move toward the Doctor and the others.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh God, what’ll we do?

TURDLOW (Stepping forward.)
Don’t worry; I’ve been beaten up by much tougher blokes than these.

PETITE TOOTS
That’s what we’re afraid of.

TURDLOW
All right, which one of you sissies is man enough to take me on one-on-one?

The biggest, toughest looking goon hands his gun to another goon then steps forward.

CHIEF GOON
I am!

PSYCHO-BABE
Excellent let my champion tear the Doctor’s champion limb from limb.

TURDLOW
Now what’s it going to be?   Noughts and crosses?   Draughts?   Or Chinese checkers?

CHIEF GOON
Bare-fist fighting to the death!

TURDLOW
Damn!   I was hoping to get away with noughts and crosses…?
(Half a beat.)
Over to you Brigadier.
(He turns to walk away.)

PSYCHO-BABE
Too late, you have volunteered to fight my champion!

CHIEF GOON charges at Turdlow and reluctantly Turdlow starts fighting him.   Turdlow throws punch after punch that all miss.

CHIEF GOON throws punch after punch, most of which connect, until Turdlow’s face is black and blue and he is bent over at the waist, unable to stand up straight anymore.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh no, he’s losing, what can we do?

BRIGADIER
Doctor, you have to give him some advice.

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Advice?

BRIGADIER
Yes, like boxing coaches shout to their boxers in the ring.

The Doctor considers for a moment.

THE DOCTOR (Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Knee him in the nuts, Turdlow.

As Chief Goon moves in for the kill, Turdlow ducks and knees him as instructed.

Chief Goon screams, cups his groin and falls to the floor writhing in agony, still screaming.

The Brigadier, Petite Toots, Psycho-Babe and the other goons all stare at Chief Goon in shock.

Petite Toots, and the Brigadier stare at the Doctor.

BRIGADIER
Trust the Doctor to always have a well thought out strategy for every possible contingency.

Swaggering with pride now at having won the fight, Turdlow walks across to Psycho-Babe and puts an arm around her shoulders.

TURDLOW
You know, as psychotic killers go, cutie, you’re one major babe…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t suppose there’s any chance of us getting down dirty and doing it after you kill the Doctor?

Looking livid with rage, Psycho-Babe grabs Turdlow by the throat and tosses him high into the air.

TURDLOW
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He flies across the room to crash high up into the wall on the other side of the room, then slides down the wall to collapse on the floor.

The Doctor, the Brigadier, and Petite Toots race across to pick Turdlow up off the floor and help him back to his feet.

TURDLOW (Held up by Doctor and Brigadier.)
I’ll take that to mean “No” then, shall I?

PSYCHO-BABE (Shouting.)
Enough of this nonsense!

Turning back to her goons, she points at the Doctor and the others.

PSYCHO-BABE (Shouting.)
Exterminate them now!

Armed goons step forward to do as ordered.

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor!   They’re going to shoot us!

TURDLOW
My God, what’ll we do?

THE DOCTOR
Relax, guys and guyettes, allow me to take care of this.

The Doctor steps up to the guards.

As they attack her, the Doctor swings up one foot for a karate kick and floors one goon, then spins round and rapidly kicks down a second goon.

Then the Doctor ducks, allowing a third goon to go past and karate chops him in the back of the neck.

THIRD GOON
Glurk!

He falls to the floor, unconscious as the final goon grabs the Doctor from behind.

FINAL GOON
Get out of this if you can, Big Red!

The Doctor slams her elbows down into his ribs making him grunt and release her.

The Doctor spins round and karate kicks him in the face, then grabs him by one arm, pivots and throws him over her shoulder.

Final Goon slams into the floor with a sickening CRUNCH.

Still holding his arm behind his back, the Doctor starts kicking him repeatedly in the back.

PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Jesus, I’ve never seen the Doctor chuck such a major psycho before.

BRIGADIER
Well, he was asking for it with that Big Red crack.

TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Come on, Doctor, we have to get outta here.

The Doctor releases Final Goon’s arm and looks about.

THE DOCTOR
Well, I guess that takes care of them.

TURDLOW (Pointing.)
But what about them?

INT. SPACE EXPLORATION ROOM/DINOSAUR ROOM — NIGHT
The Doctor looks round and sees a dozen more hired goons at the other end of the next room through the open door.

THE DOCTOR (Turning back.)
Do the words chick…?

She looks puzzled that there is no sign of Turdlow.

She looks round and sees Turdlow, Petite Toots, and the Brigadier running like hell away in the distance.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Wait for me, you cowards and cowardettes!

INT. DINOSAUR DISPLAY AREA — NIGHT — THE DOCTOR
races out of the space exploration room, and runs across the room and catches up with the Brigadier and the others, who have run across to hide behind a dinosaur display while Psycho-Babe’s new goons walk straight past them.

BRIGADIER
 Well, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

PETITE TOOTS
As Kay-Swine would say, “a radial segment of marzipan confectionery”.

TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Huh!

THE DOCTOR
In other words, “a piece of cake”.   Okay, now let’s get out of here before those latest goons return.

They all stand and race across the room toward the door to the library.

But as they reach the door, four seven-foot-tall silver robots suddenly step forward and block the door.

TURDLOW
Jesus, what now?

PETITE TOOTS
Do the words, “uh-oh” mean anything to you?

FOOTSTEPS BEHIND them.

They turn round as Psycho-Babe strides across toward them smirking at their surprise.

PSYCHO-BABE
These are my Quarks.   The Quarks are my bioelectrical enforcers.   They have no motive powers or intelligence of their own.   Rather their control functions are all controlled telepathically and are rooted through me.

BRIGADIER
Lucky Quarks.

TURDLOW
Yes, I wouldn’t mind being rooted through her.

PSYCHO-BABE
Silence!   Quark-Leader, take these idiots and lock them away.

QUARK-LEADER (Metallic voice.)
Yes, Mistress.

He salutes.

CLANGING SOUND as his hand hits his metal head.

Quark-Leader steps up behind the Doctor, grabs her by the arms and lifts her off the ground.

Other Quarks seize the Brigadier, Turdlow, and Petite Toots, and lift them off the ground.

PSYCHO-BABE (Pointing back toward library room.)
Forward, my Quarks.

They turn round and start walking toward the door.

QUARK-LEADER
Oh gawd!

BRIGADIER
She’s a bit of a dead weight, isn’t she.

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!

INT. LONG CORRIDOR — NIGHT
Four Quarks walking along carrying the Brigadier, the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow.

THE DOCTOR
How much further?

QUARK-LEADER
You’re complaining.   I’m the one carrying the lead weight.

INT. METAL-WALLED CELL — DAY — DOOR OPENS INWARDS
and Quark-Leader & the other Quarks drop the Doctor and her companions into the cell.

PSYCHO-BABE O/S
Good, seal them in, Quark-Leader!

Quark-Leader and other Quarks retreat.

DOOR SLAMS then KEY LOCKING.

PSYCHO-BABE O/S
Let’s see you get out of there, Doctor.

TURDLOW
What can we do, Doctor?

The Doctor reaches into her cloth bag and pulls out her psychic-screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR
Well, I could set this to laser and try cutting our way out.

The Doctor walks over to closely examine the door. 

Then she slowly walks round the room looking at each of the walls.

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Except these walls seem to be made from distronic-Titanium.

PETITE TOOTS
So what?

BRIGADIER
So distronic-Titanium is one of the densest metal known.

THE DOCTOR
Even the psychic-screwdriver isn’t likely to be able to laser through it.

BIRD CHIRPING behind them.

They look round and see a bird standing on the ledge of a small open window, eight or nine feet off the ground.

The window is sealed with three metal bars.

TURDLOW
Could the psychic-screwdriver cut through those distronic-Titanium bars?

THE DOCTOR
Possibly, if I could get up there…?
(Half a beat.)
Are you game to give me a bunk up?

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/BRIGADIER
Er, well, um, that is….

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I am not a dead weight.   The three of you should be able to lift me easily.

BRIGADIER
Well, I’d like to but you see I have a bit of a problem with the old back at the moment.

The Brigadier bends forward and reaches back with one hand to rub at his back.

After a second Petite Toots and Turdlow bend over and rub at their backs too.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW
Me too.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up you despicable liars.

BRIGADIER
What if we lift up Petite Toots and she cuts out the bars with the psychic-screwdriver?

PETITE TOOTS
Good idea, Brigadier.

TURDLOW
Yeah, she’s not as fat as you, Doctor.

PETITE TOOTS
That’s for sure.
(Considering a moment.)
Hey wait a minute.   What’re you mean “as fat”?   Are you saying I’m fat, but not as fat as her?

TURDLOW (Innocently.)
Oh no, of course not.

PETITE TOOTS
The Doc’s right, you are a despicable liar!

THE DOCTOR
Shut up and just get up there.

The Doctor hands Petite Toots her psychic-screwdriver, then the Doctor, the Brigadier, and Turdlow reach down to pick up Petite Toots by the legs and lift her up over their heads, so she can reach the window.

Petite Toots holds up the psychic-screwdriver, pushes a button and nothing happens.

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, nothing happened?

THE DOCTOR
You have to adjust it to laser first, dingle.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh.

Petite Toots hurriedly adjusts the psychic-screwdriver, which makes a WHIRRING.

Then she holds the psychic-screwdriver up to the window, presses the button and a thin, yellow beam pours out.

TURDLOW
Hurry up, you pip-squeak pest.

BRIGADIER
Yes, she’s no lightweight.

PETITE TOOTS
Shut up!

INT. METAL-WALLED CELL — DAY — AN HOUR LATER

PETITE TOOTS
Look out below.
The last of the three metal bars falls out and drops into the cell.

THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

PETITE TOOTS
Sorry, Doc.

THE DOCTOR
Bitch, just get out of the bloody window.

They push Petite Toots up through the window.

PETITE TOOTS O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

CRASHING as she falls onto metal rubbish bins outside.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — PETITE-TOOTS
is lying amid the medal rubbish bins.

PETITE TOOTS (Whining.)
You did that on purpose, Doctor!

THE DOCTOR O/S
Shut up whining and get ready to help Turdlow out.

Turdlow appears headfirst through the window.

TURDLOW
Hey watch out, Doctor, she’s right, it’s a long way to fall.

Turdlow suddenly lurches forward and fall headfirst out the window and onto the rubbish bins with a crash.

TURDLOW
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

INT. METAL-WALLED CELL — DAY — THE DOCTOR, &
the Brigadier looking up at the window.

BRIGADIER
Who goes next?

THE DOCTOR
You go next and try to turn about outside, so you can reach back in and pull me up.

BRIGADIER (Shocked.)
Should I get a forklift first?   I’m not a bloody weight lifter, you know!

THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Shut up being sarky.

She bends down and cups her hands at stomach height so the Brigadier can put a foot in her hands to be hoisted up to the window.

THE DOCTOR
Oh Gawd, you’re not the only one who needs a forklift.

BRIGADIER
How dare you?

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — TURDLOW
and Petite Toots watching as the Brigadier’s head comes out through the window.

Instead of dropping onto the metal bins, the Brigadier manages to hold onto the brickwork, pull himself up onto the ledge, and then reverses direction so he can lean headfirst back into the cell.

PETITE TOOTS
Hey dingle, watcha doing?

BRIGADIER
I have to pull the Doctor up out of the window.

TURDLOW
Wouldn’t it be easier just to abandon her?

PETITE TOOTS
Possibly, but only she knows how to fly the Retardis, so we’d all be stuck here.

TURDLOW
Oh, yes.

THE DOCTOR O/S
Just climb up onto the rubbish bins to hold onto the Brigadier’s legs so he doesn’t fall back into the cell.

BRIGADIER
Good idea, Doctor.

Turdlow and Petite Toots walk over and start picking up the metal bins and stacking them into order so Turdlow can climb up to hold onto the Brigadier’s legs, while Petite Toots stays on the ground and holds onto Turdlow’s legs.

INT. METAL-WALLED CELL — DAY — BRIGADIER
hanging headfirst into the cell from the small window.

THE DOCTOR
Grab my arms and pull me up the wall, Brigadier.

BRIGADIER
Hold onto my feet tight, kids.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — AS BEFORE

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW
Trust us.

INT. METAL-WALLED CELL — DAY — THE DOCTOR
and the Brigadier exchange a worried look.

BRIGADIER
Now I’m worried.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — AS BEFORE

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW (Angrily.)
Hey!

INT. METAL-WALLED CELL — DAY — BRIGADIER
slowly starts pulling the Doctor up the wall until her head vanishes through the small window.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — TURDLOW
and Petite Toots are pulling on the feet of the Brigadier, who has hold of the Doctor’s arms as she finally starts to come headfirst through the window.

TURDLOW
Here she comes, we’ve got her now.

PETITE TOOTS
About time too.

The Doctor’s head, neck, shoulders and chest pull out through the window without difficult, then suddenly she comes to a stop.

BRIGADIER
What’s wrong now, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Oh no, I think my hips are too wide to go out through the window.

PETITE TOOTS
Damn it, Doctor, I knew you’d get that big ass of yours stuck in a window one day!

THE DOCTOR
Shut up you prehistoric pip-squeak!

BRIGADIER
So what do we do now?

TURDLOW
Don’t ask us.

THE DOCTOR
Well, whatever you do, do it quickly, I think I hear footsteps approaching the cell.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CELL — DAY — PSYCHO-BABE
and Quark-Leader striding down the corridor toward the door to the cell.

PSYCHO-BABE
Let’s see how our captives are doing, Quark-Leader.

She takes a key from her breast pocket and reaches toward the door.

QUARK-LEADER
Yes, they ought to be more co-operative now that they’ve had a chance to see the might of Psycho-Babe.

PSYCHO-BABE
That’s Andred, dingleberry.

QUARK-LEADER
Sorry.

He salutes.

CLANGING SOUND as his hand hits his metal head.

QUARK-LEADER
My mistake, Andred-dingleberry.

PSYCHO-BABE (Angry.)
No, I’m Andred!   You’re the dingleberry!

QUARK-LEADER
Sorry, Mistress.

Psycho-Babe opens the cell door and they stare at the empty cell.

INT. CORRIDOR/CELL — DAY — SHOT SHOWN THROUGH DOORWAY

PSYCHO-BABE
Where the hell did they…?

Psycho-Babe stops as she sees the Doctor’s backside sticking out of the window.

PSYCHO-BABE
Oh my God, what is this?

QUARK-LEADER
It looks like an enormous arse sticking out of the window, Mistress.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — THE DOCTOR
struggling to pull herself out of the window with the help of the Brigadier, Turdlow, and Petite Toots.

THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Hey, how dare you!   It’s not enormous.   Just slightly plumpish.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, the same way an elephant’s ass is slightly plumpish.

TURDLOW
The same way a hippo’s arse is slightly plumpish.

BRIGADIER
The same way a whale’s arse….

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
All right already, I get the message!

PETITE TOOTS
Jesus, what a grouch!

TURDLOW
Yes, how tetchy can you get!

BRIGADIER
Some people just can’t take constructive criticism.

INT. METAL-WALLED CELL — DAY — PSYCHO-BABE
and Quark-Leader staring at the Doctor’s backside sticking out of the window high up the wall.

PSYCHO-BABE (Frustrated.)
I know it’s an enormous arse sticking out of the window, dingleberry.   What I meant was, what is going on here?

QUARK-LEADER
It looks like they’re getting away, Mistress.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — AS BEFORE

BRIGADIER
Let’s all pull together and give her one mighty tug.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW
Okay.

BRIGADIER
On the count of three.   One…
(Half a beat.)
Two…
(Half a beat.)
Three!

Turdlow, Petite Toots, and the Brigadier all tug.

THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaah!   You’re pulling my arse off!

For a second nothing happens, and then suddenly the Doctor starts to pull out through the window.

INT. METAL-WALLED CELL — DAY — AS BEFORE

PSYCHO-BABE
I know they’re getting away, dingle.   Don’t stand around blathering.   Or they’ll escape!

The Doctor suddenly slides out through the window.

QUARK-LEADER
As they have done, Mistress?

PSYCHO-BABE (Frustrated.)
Yes, dingleberry.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — AS BEFORE

THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The Doctor, the Brigadier, Petite Toots, and Turdlow all CRASH down onto the rubbish bins.

TURDLOW
Oh God, I’ve broken every bone in my body.

PETITE TOOTS
Me too.   I still think it would’ve been easier to abandon her.

BRIGADIER
My God, Doctor, I thought you were a goner for a moment there.

PETITE TOOTS
Relax, she might be a complete bumbling incompetent.   But the Doctor’s been in danger hundreds of times and she’s never been killed in more than nine hundred years.

BRIGADIER
Yes, she has.   The Doctor has been killed eight times.   This is her ninth appearance.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh yeah, that’s right.   I forgot.
(Running a hand across her brow.)
Phew, you were almost a goner for a moment there, Doctor.

SQUEALING OF CAR TYRES then three U.S. Army Humvees
(all-terrain-vehicles) pull up and stop beside them.

A dozen heavily armed soldiers in camouflage greens leap out and race across to point their rifles at them.

LIEUTENANT
Identify yourself at once: Friend or foe?

BRIGADIER
Friend, I’m Brigadier Alexander Rightbridge-Stupid, chief of Eunuch Headquarters, London, currently on visit to Washington.   This is the Doctor and her two travelling companions, Petite Toots and Turdlow.

LIEUTENANT and other soldiers lower their rifles.

LIEUTENANT
Oh yes, Brigadier, we were told to look for you and the Doctor.   What’s been going on here, Brigadier?

BRIGADIER
We were captured by Psycho-Babe and her….

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BEHIND soldiers.   They spin round and see half-a-dozen Quarks marching toward them.

LIEUTENANT
Oh my God, Robots!

PETITE TOOTS
They’re called Clarks.   Like Clark Kent.

THE DOCTOR
Not Clarks, dingle, Quarks.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh, sorry.
(To Lieutenant.)
They’re called Quarks.   Like Quark Kent.

THE DOCTOR
A And she calls me a dingleberry.

PETITE TOOTS
I sure do.

THE DOCTOR
Shut….

Quark-Leader raises one of its metallic arms and a great burst of flames shoots out and hits one of the soldiers.

Burning soldier runs about screaming hysterically and burns to cinders in only seconds.

LIEUTENANT (Crossing himself.)
Holy Mother of God.

BRIGADIER (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

LIEUTENANT (Shouting.)
Pull back to the Humvees!

They all turn and race across to the Humvees as Quark-Leader shoots out another burst of flames, which just misses them.

BRIGADIER
Are you sure this is far enough, Lieutenant?

LIEUTENANT
How much further would you like us to run?

THE DOCTOR
How far is New York from here?

LIEUTENANT
Right across the other side of the continent.

PETITE TOOTS
That sounds far enough to me.

TURDLOW
Yes, New York sounds good to me.

LIEUTENANT
Doctor, I hope you’re not a coward?

THE DOCTOR
How dare you!

TURDLOW
Yeah, Doc isn’t afraid of anything.   Didn’t you know she has a black belt?

PETITE TOOTS
At running away that is.

BRIGADIER
I didn’t know you had a black belt, Doctor?

PETITE TOOTS
Oh yeah, it’s real pretty.   Black leather with all these sort of silver diamante things all around it.

WHOOSH as flames shoot across the top of the Humvee they are hiding behind setting the paintwork alight.

LIEUTENANT
All right men, get ready to fire.

BRIGADIER
Fire on those Quarks?

LIEUTENANT
Well, we can’t just cower here like yellow cowards.

THE DOCTOR
No, he’s right, once they set the Humvees alight we’ll be unprotected again.

TURDLOW
Yes, we should be running already.

PETITE TOOTS
While we’ve still got some cover.

LIEUTENANT
No, we’re staying to fight.   Try to use the vehicles for cover, and fire at will.

PETITE TOOTS
Which one is named Will?

TURDLOW
And why are they always picking on him?

THE DOCTOR
Shut up and keep your heads down.

She grabs Petite Toots and pulls her back as she starts to stand up.

TURDLOW
Leave her, Doctor, with any luck she might get killed.

WHOOSH as flames shoot across the top of the Humvee they are hiding behind plus the other two Humvees.

When flames cease, soldiers pop out of cover and start firing random fashion at the Quarks.

LIEUTENANT
Get down!

Soldiers hurriedly duck.

WHOOSH as flames shoot across the top of the Humvees again for a few seconds, then die down again.

THE DOCTOR
I doubt if your men can stop the Quarks.

LIEUTENANT (Indignant.)
Doctor, my men can deal with any situation…
(Half a beat.)
They’re all handpicked.

WHOOSH as flames shoot across the top of the Humvees again for a few seconds, then die down again.

PETITE TOOTS (Insistent.)
Yeah, well so’s my nose…!
(Half a beat.)
But you don’t see it defeating the Quarks, do you!

Lieutenant, the Brigadier, Turdlow and the other soldiers all turn round to stare at Petite Toots for a moment.

Then they turn to stare at the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR (Apologetic.)
It’s not my fault!   When you travel through time and space, you can’t afford to be too choosy about your travelling companions.

TURDLOW/BRIGADIER/LIEUTENANT/ALL SOLDIERS
Ah, that explains it.

The other soldiers all mutter their agreement.

WHOOSH as flames shoot across the top of the Humvees again for a few seconds, then die down again.

LIEUTENANT (Shouting.)
All right, now!

Soldiers pop out of cover and start firing at the Quarks again.

LIEUTENANT
Get down!

Soldiers hurriedly duck.

WHOOSH as flames shoot across the top of the Humvees again for a few seconds, then die down again.

LIEUTENANT (Shouting.)
All right, now!

Soldiers pop out of cover and start firing at the Quarks again.

LIEUTENANT
Get down!

Soldiers hurriedly duck.

WHOOSH as flames shoot across the top of the Humvees again for a few seconds, then die down again.

LIEUTENANT
Dammit what are those things made of?

BRIGADIER
They seem impervious to gunfire.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Try aiming for the grates in their necks.

WHOOSH as flames shoot across the top of the Humvees again for a few seconds, then die down again.

The Doctor and the others pop up to look as soldiers start firing at the grates in the necks of the Quarks as instructed.

Two Quarks EXPLODE and a third starts swinging its arms around wildly clearly out of control.

BRIGADIER
Good work, Doctor.

LIEUTENANT
Yes, how did you know that was their weak point, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Er, well, strictly speaking it was only a guess.

PETITE TOOTS/BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/LIEUTENANT
What?

THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, it worked with the Darlinks and the Cyber-Poofs…
(Half a beat.)
So, I hoped it might work with the Quarks too.

PETITE TOOTS
I told you she was a lucky bumbler.

Soldiers continue firing and another Quark explodes.

QUARK-LEADER
Pull back to home base, my Quarks!

Quark-Leader turns and starts trotting away, followed by another Quark.

INT. METAL-WALLED BUNKER — DAY — PSYCHO-BABE
is leaning over a large desk, looking at battle plans.

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BEHIND her.

She looks round as Quark-Leader and another Quark enters the bunker.

PSYCHO-BABE
How did the battle go, Quark-Leader?

QUARK-LEADER
Not good, Mistress, that redheaded troublemaker told the soldiers how to destroy the Quarks.   We two are all that’s left.

PSYCHO-BABE (Angry.)
Damn you, Doctor, I seem to have underestimated you again.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then Lieutenant, two soldiers, the Brigadier, the Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow all enter the bunker.

PETITE TOOTS
You should be getting used to that by now, bimbo!

PSYCHO-BABE
How dare, you, you little brat.
She reaches for Petite Toots, who squeals and runs
behind the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
Leave this to me, Petite Toots.
(To Psycho-Babe.)
You should be getting used to that by now, bimbo!

PSYCHO-BABE (Livid.)
How dare you, Doctor?

LIEUTENANT
Take away this silicone-titted bimbo.

1ST SOLDIER (Puzzled.)
Who mentioned Bridget Neilson?

LIEUTENANT
No, I meant Psycho-Babe.

1st Soldier waves his rifle at Psycho-Babe who starts out into the corridor ahead of them.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BUNKER — DAY — PSYCHO-BABE
exits the bunker, followed by the soldiers, Lieutenant, the Brigadier and the others.

EXT. HUMVEES NEAR RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY
FOOTSTEPS O/S then Psycho-Babe walks into sight from around the LHS of the building, followed by soldiers, the Brigadier, the Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots.

LIEUTENANT
Take the green-clad bimbo over to the Humvees.

1ST SOLDIER
Yessir.

He waves his rifle toward Psycho-Babe.

Psycho-Babe quickly reaches out, knocks the rifle out of his hands then takes off straight toward the nearest Humvee.

BRIGADIER
What the hell?

LIEUTENANT (Shouting.)
Get after her, men!

Psycho-Babe leaps into the back of the Humvee.

SHOCKED SHOUTS from the back of the Humvee, then two soldiers come flying out, one a few seconds after the other.

SHOUTING from the front of the Humvee, then a door opens and a third soldier is thrown out.

Humvee’s GEARS SCREECH as it starts up and takes off.

Lieutenant races across to grab the tailgate of the Humvee and is pulled along behind it for a moment, before falling off.

The Doctor, the Brigadier, Turdlow, and Petite Toots race over and help Lieutenant back to his feet.

LIEUTENANT
Forget about me, just get after her.

The Doctor races across to jump into the front of the next Humvee.   Petite Toots and Turdlow race after her and leap in the back.

INT./EXT. HUMVEE/NEAR CELLS — DAY — PETITE TOOTS &
Turdlow sitting in the back, while the Doctor sits at the front RHS seat with her seat-belt done up.

THE DOCTOR (Shocked.)
Oh my God, that clever bitch, she’s stolen the steering wheel, so we can’t follow her.

PETITE TOOTS (Frustrated.)
This is America, Doctor.   The steering wheel is on the left-hand side.
(Pointing to steering wheel.)

THE DOCTOR (Embarrassed.)
Oh, yes, of course, so it is.

She undoes her seat belt, shuffles across, puts on the new seat belt, and then puts the car into gear.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS NEAR HUMVEES — DAY
With a hellish GRINDING OF GEARS the Humvee takes off and shoots straight down the left-hand side of the road.

As they approach a small hill, a Mack-truck suddenly roars toward them with KLAXONS SOUNDING.

INT./EXT. HUMVEE/ROAD — DAY — PETITE TOOTS
and Turdlow looking horrified as the truck races toward them.

TURDLOW/PETITE TOOTS (Covering face with hands.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

THE DOCTOR
Shut up!   No one likes a back-seat driver.

EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE HUMVEE — DAY — HUMVEE
suddenly veers to the left and races off the road as the Mack-truck ROARS past missing them by inches.

TURDLOW/PETITE TOOTS O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

THE DOCTOR O/S
Shut up!

Humvee races across rocky ground and heads straight toward a great tree.

INT./EXT. HUMVEE/ROAD — DAY — PETITE TOOTS,
and Turdlow looking horrified as the tree looms up toward them.

TURDLOW/PETITE TOOTS (Covering face with hands.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

THE DOCTOR
For Christ’s sake!

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — HUMVEE
racing toward the tree.

With a great CRASH the Humvee smashes into the tree.

INT./EXT. HUMVEE/ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — PETITE TOOTS
& Turdlow are lying on the floor in the back of the Humvee.

The Doctor is squashed into her seat by inflated airbags.

PETITE TOOTS
They also drive on the right-hand side in America.

THE DOCTOR (Muffled through air-bag.)
Moan!   Moan!   Moan!   Moan!   Moan!

PETITE TOOTS
I see now why men are so afraid of woman drivers.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up!

EXT. OUTSIDE COURT HOUSE — DAY — POLICE VAN
races up to the courthouse and stops.   Two U.S. cops get out of the cabin and walk around to the back and open the back doors.

They help out the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow who are all handcuffed.

1ST COP takes the Doctor by the arm, 2ND COP takes hold of both Turdlow and Petite Toots and leads them across to the court building.

INT./EXT. COURT ROOM/STREET OUTSIDE COURT — DAY
FEMALE JUDGE presiding as doors open and the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow are brought in and led up to the bench, then their hand-cuffs are removed.

FEMALE JUDGE
Are these the culprits, officer?

1ST COP
Yes, ma’am.   This is the Doctor, and her two companions.

FEMALE JUDGE (Puzzled.)
The Doctor?   What kind of name is that?

THE DOCTOR
Er, um, Doctor Joan Smith.
(Pointing at them.)
And these are my, er….

TURDLOW
Her children.

THE DOCTOR
That’s right my children, Turdlow, and Petite Toots.

FEMALE JUDGE
Your children?

She peers at the Doctor for a moment, then peers at Turdlow.

FEMALE JUDGE
Oh yes, of course, I can see now that he’s your son.   He’s got his mother’s looks.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, the poor bastard.

FEMALE JUDGE
Very well then, Doctor, you are charged with the very serious offence of driving a stolen Army Humvee at nearly two-hundred miles an hour in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone.   And wrapping said Humvee around a tree.   How do you plead?

PETITE TOOTS (Shouting.)
Hey Bimbo-Sapiens, who appointed you Grand Arbitrator around here?

FEMALE JUDGE (Glaring at Petite Toots.)
The United States Justice Department.

PETITE TOOTS (Apologetic.)
Oh I see.   Sorry, I was only asking.

FEMALE JUDGE
Well, Doctor, how do you plead?

The Doctor takes a coin out of her cloth bag and tosses the coin into the air and catches it.

THE DOCTOR (Looking at coin.)
Heads it is…
(Half a beat.)
Not guilty.

FEMALE JUDGE (Offended.)
Doctor, I’ll thank you to take this matter seriously.   This might not be Greater London or wherever you come from, but it isn’t Hicksville USA either.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, it is.

TURDLOW
Yes, that’s what it says on the street signs.

He points out the court window.

MOVING SHOT toward the window.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE COURT — DAY

MOVING SHOT through court window across to an intersection where it says, “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING HICKSVILLE USA”.

MOVING SHOT down the street to a general store, which has a sign saying, “HICKSVILLE GENERAL STORE”.

MOVING SHOT across to a drug store, which has a sign saying “HICKSVILLE PHARMACY”.

MOVING SHOT down the street to end of town, where a sign says, “YOU ARE NOW LEAVING HICKSVILLE USA”

INT./EXT. COURT ROOM/STREET OUTSIDE COURT — DAY
Female Judge looking extremely embarrassed as the Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots all stare at her.

PETITE TOOTS
So, you were saying?

FEMALE JUDGE (Embarrassed.)
Er, well, um, that is…
(Half a beat.)
Oh yeah, so it is.
(Banging gavel on bench.)
Case dismissed.
(Turning toward Bailiff.)
I told the town council twelve years ago it was a damn stupid idea to change the town’s name from Merrivale to Hicksville.

BAILIFF
Yeah, we haven’t had a single conviction for speeding or drunk driving since the town changed names.

SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS O/S, then Quark-Leader and two other Quarks appear outside the window.

EXT. HICKSVILLE, MAIN STREET — DAY — QUARK-LEADER
raises one of its metallic arms and a great burst of flames shoot out and hit the window of the courtroom.

Window glows red for a moment, then implodes.

PETITE TOOTS O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

INT./EXT. COURT ROOM/STREET OUTSIDE COURT — DAY
Female Judge & Bailiff staring toward shattered window in shock.

1st Cop and 2nd Cop pull out their revolvers and start firing out the window at the Quarks.

EXT. HICKSVILLE, MAIN STREET — DAY — QUARK-LEADER
aims its metallic arms and two great bursts of flames shoot through into the courtroom.

INT./EXT. COURT ROOM/STREET OUTSIDE COURT — DAY
Flames shoot in through the window and engulf 1st Cop who drops his gun and starts screaming.

2nd Cop and Bailiff race across to help him smother his flames.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
No, don’t touch him.   You can’t save him and you’ll only be destroyed yourself.

BAILIFF
But we’ve got to try.

TURDLOW
The flames are too intense.   Look at that!

He points to a glowing white mass on the floor.

2ND COP
My God, what is that?

PETITE TOOTS (Pointing at 1st Cop.)
All that remains of his gun.

2nd Cop and Bailiff stare at glowing white mass again in shock.

1st Cop stops screaming and is rapidly reduced to ashes.

FEMALE JUDGE (Crossing herself.)
Holy Jesus!

BAILIFF
Well, what can we do?

WHOOSH as flames shoot in through the window again, just missing Bailiff and 2nd Cop.

PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, do you remember what you told me back at the museum last night?

THE DOCTOR
What, to fuck off and stop bugging me?

PETITE TOOTS
No, you didn’t.

TURDLOW
Yes, she did!   I can clearly recall her saying it to you.

PETITE TOOTS (Considering a moment.)
Oh yeah, so she did.   But I meant after that.

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Not particularly.

PETITE TOOTS
Then allow me to refresh your memory.
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

Petite Toots turns and races down the aisle toward the front of the courtroom.

THE DOCTOR
Oh yeah, so I….

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS behind her.

The Doctor looks round and sees Turdlow, Bailiff, 2nd Cop, and Female Judge all racing down the aisle after Petite Toots.

THE DOCTOR
Hey wait for me, you cowards and cowardettes!

She races down the aisle after them.

EXT. OUTSIDE COURT — DAY — QUARK-LEADER
firing bursts of flames from its arms into the side window of the courtroom as Petite Toots races out followed by the Doctor and the others.

As they race out of the court house a U.S. Army Humvee pulls up and Psycho-Babe and four armed goons leap out and race across toward them.

PSYCHO-BABE
So we meet again, Doctor?

PETITE TOOTS
Hopefully for the last time.

PSYCHO-BABE
Oh you can be sure of that.
(Shouting.)
Kill the Doctor right now!

Chief Goon (Psycho-Babe’s champion) steps forward and swings his rifle at the Doctor’s head.

The Doctor ducks the swinging rifle and knees guard in the groin.

CHIEF GOON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

He collapses to the ground clutching his groin and dropping his rifle, which goes flying.

CHIEF GOON (In squeaky voice.)
Not again!

Turdlow races forward and picks up the rifle and aims it toward Psycho-Babe’s goons.

One of them advances on Turdlow, who SHOOTS him.

He collapses to the ground and the remaining goons retreat.

THE DOCTOR
Everybody into her Humvee.
(To Psycho-Babe.)
I’m sure you don’t mind us commandeering it, do you?

Psycho-Babe glares at the Doctor as Petite Toots, Female Judge, Bailiff, and 2nd Cop all race past them and climb into the Humvee.

THE DOCTOR
Give me the rifle, Turdlow, and you go next.

TURDLOW
No, you go next, Doctor, I know you wouldn’t shoot anyone, even in self-defence.

Goons look at each other and start inching toward Turdlow and the Doctor.

RIFLE CRACK as Turdlow shoots one of the goons, who collapses to the ground.

TURDLOW
I, on the other hand, would.

The remaining goons start retreating rapidly.

THE DOCTOR
Okay.

The Doctor races across toward the Humvee, followed by Turdlow, who backs up so he can continue to aim the rifle at Psycho-Babe’s goons.

SQUEALING OF CAR TYRES then two more Humvees race up and stop near the first one.

Lieutenant, the Brigadier, and half-a-dozen U.S. soldiers leap out of the two Humvees.

PSYCHO-BABE
Uh-oh, something tells me it’s time to get out of here.

She turns and starts racing down the road away from the Humvees at an incredible pace.

PETITE TOOTS
My God, look at her go!

TURDLOW
My God, look at that beautiful arse in motion.

LIEUTENANT
Come on let’s get after her.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Quarks start advancing upon the three Humvees.

BRIGADIER
On second thoughts.

THE DOCTOR/BRIGADIER
Chicken out everybody!

They turn and race across to the three Humvees and leap inside.

The Humvees start in the opposite direction to that taken by Psycho-Babe.

INT./EXT. FIRST HUMVEE/ROAD — DAY — PETITE TOOTS,
the Doctor, the Brigadier, and Turdlow looking out the back as Lieutenant drives the Humvee.

Behind them four Quarks are thundering along at a surprisingly fast pace.

PETITE TOOTS
They won’t catch us will they, Doctor?

TURDLOW
They might not have to.

Quark-Leader aims its metallic arms and two great bursts of flames shoot out toward them, falling only inches behind the Humvee.

Petite Toots squeals and the others lean deeper into the Humvee.

EXT. ROAD BEHIND HUMVEES — DAY — QUARK-LEADER
aims its metallic arms and two great bursts of flames shoot out and engulf the rear Humvee.

The Humvee continues along for a while, and then it screeches to a halt.

The doors open and six soldiers race out and try to outrun the Quarks.

QUARK-LEADER
Leave the other vehicles, get the humans.

The Quarks change direction and chase after the fleeing men.

Holding their arms out like flame-throwers the Quarks fire their flames, which engulf the first two of the soldiers.

1ST SOLDIER/2ND SOLDIER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

They fall to the ground and roll about attempting to douse the flames, but are soon burnt to cinders.

Quark-Leader and the Quarks chase after the remaining four soldiers.

Two Quarks fire their flames at once and engulf three more soldiers, however, the sixth soldier veers to the LHS just in time.

3RD SOLDIER/4TH SOLDIER/5TH SOLDIER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

They fall to the ground and roll about trying to douse the flames, but are also soon burnt to cinders.

Quark-Leader and the Quarks chase after the remaining soldier.

Quark-Leader fires its flames at the final soldier.

The flames engulf the soldier who screams but keeps running until collapsing to the ground, into a heap of smouldering ashes.

INT./EXT. FIRST HUMVEE/ROAD — DAY — PETITE TOOTS, &
and the others stare out the back of their Humvee in horror at the sight of the Quarks brutally murdering the six soldiers.

THE DOCTOR
Oh my God, it’s horrible.

BRIGADIER
Poor bastards never stood a chance.

TURDLOW
They could never outrun those Quarks.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh well look on the bright side…
(Half a beat.)
It allowed us to escape unharmed.

THE DOCTOR/BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/LIEUTENANT
Shut up!

PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Well, it did.

INT. PENTAGON, WAR ROOM — DAY — THE DOCTOR,
Petite Toots, Turdlow, Bill Clinton, and various generals sit around at a semi-circular desk while the Brigadier stands before them speaking.

BILL CLINTON
But what can we do to stop this Psycho-Babe character, Brigadier?

1ST GENERAL
And these damn Quark things?

2ND GENERAL
Yeah, they’re running amok destroying Washington D.C.

BRIGADIER
This is the situation as I see it, gentlemen and ladies.
(Counting off on fingers.)
One, we’re in a load of strife…
(Half a beat.)
Two, we don’t know how to get out of it…
(Half a beat.)
Three, we have to get out of it somehow…
(Half a beat.)
Four, but we don’t know how to get out of it…
(Half a beat.)
Five, but we need to….

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!

THE DOCTOR
Jesus, when will he finish articulating the bleeding obvious?

BRIGADIER (Glaring at the Doctor.)
I hope I’m not keeping you from something more important, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
As a matter of fact, I do have something more important to do, Brigadier.

The Doctor picks up her large cloth bag from the floor and starts pulling things out of it: a yo-yo, a didgeridoo, a hair brush, an electric guitar and other things.

Finally she pulls out a small bottle of red nail polish.

The Doctor opens the bottle of nail polish and starts applying it to the nails on her left hand.

THE DOCTOR
Will you help me with my toenails in a moment, Petite Toots?

PETITE TOOTS
Okay, Doc.

BRIGADIER (Glaring at Doctor & Petite Toots.)
Very well then, I’ll bugger off and leave you to it.

TURDLOW
If only you would.

The Brigadier turns to glare at Turdlow then turns and steps away from the semi-circular table.

BILL CLINTON
Brigadier, who exactly is this Psycho-Babe character?   Have you figured that out yet?

BRIGADIER (Pleased.)
Ah yes, now I’ve done some research on that point.
(Taking slip of paper out of his pocket.)
Basically her name is Andred…
(Half a beat.)
Also known as Psycho-Babe…
(Half a beat.)
She is green…
(Half a beat.)
And seems to be made out of silicone.

Bill Clinton and generals look astonished.

PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Who mentioned Pamela Anderson?

THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Pamela Anderson isn’t made of silicone…
(Half a beat.)
Only her tits are.

BRIGADIER
As I said, I hope I’m not keeping you from something more important?

TURDLOW
Sorry, we thought you’d finished lecturing us on the bleedin’ obvious.

BRIGADIER (Indignant.)
If I’m boring anyone, please feel free to leave.

The Doctor, Petite Toots, & Turdlow exchange interested looks.

After a moment they leap to their feet and start jostling each other to be the first to leave, as they head toward the exit.

After a moment or so Bill Clinton and the generals leap to their feet and join in the mad rush for the exit.

BRIGADIER (Shouting.)
Sit down everybody; I was only being sarky.

THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/BILL CLINTON
(With feeling.)
Damn!

The generals of staff all mutter and curse as everybody heads back toward their seats.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:
INT. METAL-WALLED BUNKER — DAY — PSYCHO-BABE
and Quark-Leader are leaning over a large table, looking at what seems to be the Doctor sleeping.

PSYCHO-BABE
What do you think, Quark-Leader?

QUARK-LEADER
What is it, Mistress?

PSYCHO-BABE (Frustrated.)
A robotic double of the Doctor.

Quark-Leader peers down at the robotic Doctor for a moment then straightens up again.

QUARK-LEADER
But it doesn’t look remotely like the Doctor.

PSYCHO-BABE (Angry.)
Nonsense, it’s an exact likeness of her.

Psycho-Babe presses a button and the table tilts slowly downwards until Doctor-Robot’s feet are touching the floor.

PSYCHO-BABE
Awaken and advance, my beauty!
(Doctor-Robot’s eyes open.)
Now arise, my beauty and walk!

Doctor-Robot takes a tentative step forward, then a second, and then trips over her own feet.

SKITTLES BEING KNOCKED OVER as Psycho-Babe and Quark-Leader are both knocked over as Doctor-Robot goes sliding across the room.

QUARK-LEADER
My apologies, Mistress, she’s exactly like the Doctor.

Psycho-Babe looks round and glares at Quark-Leader.

INT. PENTAGON, WAR ROOM — DAY — THE DOCTOR,
now polishing her toenails as the Brigadier and another man stand in front of the President and the generals.

BRIGADIER
We also know that Psycho-Babe is an evil, vicious creature, sworn to destroy the human race…
(Half a beat.)
An enemy of all mankind.

BILL CLINTON (Puzzled.)
You mean like Germaine Greer?

BRIGADIER
Exactly.

BILL CLINTON
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

BRIGADIER
I knew that would terrify him.
(Waving to man standing beside him.)
But now, allow me to introduce you to the world’s leading micro-technology expert, KELVIN ARNOLD.

The Doctor looks up as the generals clap.

THE DOCTOR
Kelvin Arnold?   I’ve heard that name before somewhere?   Oh that’s right, you wrote the definitive manual on micro-robotic nano-technology, didn’t you?

KELVIN ARNOLD
Er, well I have considered writing a book on micro-robotic nano-technology, yes.

THE DOCTOR
Yes, I’ve read it.   It’s absolutely marvy.

KELVIN ARNOLD (Puzzled.)
Er, well, I haven’t actually written it yet.

PETITE TOOTS
Don’t worry about it.   If the Doc says she’s already read it and it’s marvy, just take it as a compliment.

TURDLOW
And don’t wrack your brain thinking about it too much.   Braver men than you Gunga-Din have gone mad trying to understand the Doctor.

KELVIN ARNOLD (Holding up a circuit-board.)
Er, well, um, so anyway, my plan is to use micro-robotic nano-technology to undermine Psycho-Babe’s Quark-army and also to feed the psychotic bitch misinformation about our strengths and weaknesses.

TURDLOW
Misinformation?   Then you’d better get the Doctor to help you.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, Doc, is the most misinformed person I’ve ever met.

Kelvin Arnold turns round to stare at the Doctor painting her toenails, and then looks at the Brigadier.

KELVIN ARNOLD
Are they kidding, or what?

BRIGADIER
Trust me, they know what they’re talking about.

THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Hey…!
(Half a beat.)
You made me paint my toe by mistake.

She lifts up a turpentine-soaked rag and starts cleaning her big toe.

INT. SECRET SPACE COMPLEX IN UK — DAY

MISS KOOZY, a gorgeous blonde of twenty-eight or so, wearing her hair in a long ponytail, is seated at the main controls of the complex.   Miss Koozy is wearing a shiny, silver latex, form-fitting costume.

On the RHS of SHOT is a large Perspex booth, the size of a TV sound-booth.   Around the complex are great banks of computers, plus half-a-dozen or more computer monitors.   Technicians move round the room adjusting numerous dials and switches on the computer arrays.   Other staff sit at the computers watching monitors and typing in data.

The door behind Miss Koozy opens, LHS of SHOT and a balding technician, STEVE, wearing a space suit and carrying a space helmet walks in.

He stops behind Miss Koozy to stare down at her arse, which seems to swell right out of the form-fitting costume.

STEVE
Mmmm mmmm, that is one hell of an arse.

Hearing him behind her, Miss Koozy spins round and glares when she sees he is staring at her arse.

MISS KOOZY
Hello, Steve.

Steve walks across to her, leans down and kisses her on the cheek, making her look startled.

STEVE
Hello, gorgeous, how about a quickie on the floor in front of everyone before I T-Mit to Mars?

MISS KOOZY
How dare you!

STEVE
Then how about a wet, sloppy one to be getting on with?

He puckers up, sticks out his tongue, and swivels it from side to side.

MISS KOOZY (Glaring at him.)
Not a bloody chance!

STEVE
Er, well, um, then I could just T-Mit to Mars without a wet, sloppy one to be getting on with, if you prefer.

MISS KOOZY (Glaring at him.)
Just get in the damn chute!

STEVE (Growling like a tiger.)
Rowrr rowrr!   Anything you say, gorgeous, do you want to go on top, or shall I?

STRIPPER MUSIC STARTS PLAYING as Steve starts removing his space suit.

MISS KOOZY
I meant the damn T-Mit chute!

STRIPPER MUSIC SCREECHES TO A HALT, then starts PLAYING IN REVERSE as Steve starts dressing again.

STEVE
Er, sorry, my mistake.

Miss Koozy glares at Steve as he reluctantly turns and walks across toward the T-Mit booth.

STEVE (Growling like a tiger.)
Rowrr rowrr, what a woman!   I’d like to have her through every hole.

He opens the door and steps into the T-Mit booth.

MISS KOOZY
Are you in the T-Mit chute?

STEVE
Yes, but I’d rather be in your chute.   Rowrr rowrr!   What a woman.

Miss Koozy operates some controls and his image starts to flicker.

Finally he fades out altogether.

MISS KOOZY
Thank God he’s gone at last.

The door behind Miss Koozy opens, LHS of SHOT and a black technician, TODD, wearing a space suit and carrying a space helmet walks in.

Todd stops behind Miss Koozy to stare down at her arse.

TODD
Mmmm mmmm, that is one hell of an arse.

Hearing him behind her, Miss Koozy spins round and glares when she sees he is staring at her arse.

TODD
Hello, gorgeous, how about a quickie on the floor in front of everyone before I T-Mit to Mars?

MISS KOOZY (Glaring at him.)
Get lost, you creep!

TODD
Then how about a wet, sloppy one to be getting on with?

He puckers up, sticks out his tongue, and swivels it from side to side.

MISS KOOZY (Glaring at him.)
Just get in the damn T-Mit booth and shut up!

Todd starts walking across toward the T-Mit booth.

TODD
Rowrr rowrr!   What a woman.

Todd walks over and enters the T-Mit booth.

MISS KOOZY
Are you ready?

TODD
Anytime you are, gorgeous!   Rowrr rowrr!

MISS KOOZY
Oh damn it, ready or not!

She operates the controls and Todd’s image flickers for a moment, and then vanishes.

The door behind her opens again.

MISS KOOZY (Frustrated.)
Oh God, who now?

Miss Koozy looks round as Psycho-Babe enters, followed by Quark-Leader, two other Quarks and Doctor-Robot.

One of the technicians runs across toward them.

TECHNICIAN
This is a security section!   Who…?

Quark-Leader aims its metallic arms and two great bursts of flames shoot out and engulf Technician, setting him on fire.

He runs about wildly for a few seconds, screaming, then stops screaming and collapses to the floor, burnt to a cinder.

Quark-Leader aims his arms at the next technician.

PSYCHO-BABE
No, we can’t risk damaging the T-Mit facilities.   Catch them and kill them for me, my beauty!

Doctor-Robot races across to the nearest technician, grabs him, lifts him off the ground and bends him over backwards.

LOUD SNAP as his back breaks, then Doctor-Robot drops technician to the ground.

INT. PENTAGON, WAR ROOM — DAY — THE DOCTOR,
and the others listening to Kelvin Arnold talking.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S, then a door opens and a soldier enters.

BILL CLINTON
What is it, soldier?

SOLDIER (Saluting.)
Sir, the Quarks seem to have abandoned Washington.   No sign of them in nearly an hour now.

THE DOCTOR
What about Psycho-Babe?

SOLDIER
No sign of her in nearly an hour either.

TURDLOW
But what could have happened to them?   They wouldn’t stop attacking without good reason.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S, then Lieutenant, enters.

LIEUTENANT
Sir, we’ve just heard from the English Prime Minister.   Psycho-Babe and her Quarks have attacked a super-secret military complex in London.

THE DOCTOR
Well, that explains why they’ve abandoned Washington.   But what is this super-secret military complex in London that they’ve attacked.

PETITE TOOTS
Don’t ask me, it’s a secret.

BRIGADIER
Er, well, it could be the T-Mit facility England has been working on in secret for the last twenty years.

BILL CLINTON
T-Mit?

THE DOCTOR
It stands for matter transmitter.   It’s what the sci-fi movies call a teleporter.

BILL CLINTON
What?   Why weren’t we told the Brits were working on a teleport system?

1ST GENERAL
But, Mr President, we’ve been working on a super-secret T-Mit system for twenty years too.   It’s just that our system isn’t operational yet.

BILL CLINTON (Angry.)
Shut up, we didn’t want them to know that!

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S, then 2ND

SOLDIER, enters.

2ND SOLDIER
Psycho-Babe and her Quarks have just attacked Mars.

1ST GENERAL
Oh, God, no, our super-secret Mars base!

BILL CLINTON (Frustrated.)
Shut up, you idiot, we didn’t want them to know about that either!

BRIGADIER
So much for friendly co-operation and exchange of information between our two nations.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, we’d better take the Retardis to England, then T-Mit to Mars.

TURDLOW
Wouldn’t it be more time-efficient to just take the Retardis straight to Mars, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Probably, but I figured putting in a few more scenes set in England would help sell this film to the Brits.

TURDLOW
Yes, of course, why didn’t I think of that?

PETITE TOOTS
Good thinking, Doc.

INT. SECRET SPACE COMPLEX IN UK — DAY
Miss Koozy is trying to repair the T-Mit centre, which is a mess.

Medical staff are moving back and forth picking up the corpses of the other T-Mit staff and stretchering them out.

MISS KOOZY
And could someone tell the General to send more technicians to help repair this mess?

MEDIC
Yes, Miss Koozy.

MEDIC turns and walks out.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis appears in the T-Mit complex.

The Retardis’s doors open and the Doctor, the Brigadier, Turdlow, Petite Toots, Lieutenant, and three U.S. soldiers step out.

Miss Koozy is bent across a consul so her shiny, silver latex suit is moulded like a second skin revealing every curve of her arse.

Turdlow stops behind Miss Koozy and stares down at her arse.

TURDLOW (Growling like tiger.)
Rowrr rowrr!   That is one hell of an arse.

Hearing him behind her, Miss Koozy spins round and glares when she sees he is staring at her arse.

MISS KOOZY
Who the hell are you?   This is a security area.

TURDLOW
Hello, gorgeous, how about a quickie on the floor in front of everyone?

MISS KOOZY (Frustrated.)
Oh no, not another one!

TURDLOW
Then how about a wet, sloppy one to be getting on with?

He puckers up, sticks out his tongue, and swivels it from side to side.

MISS KOOZY
Look, who the hell are you people?

BRIGADIER (Holding up papers.)
Brigadier Alexander Rightbridge-Stupid, of Eunuch Command, London.   This is the Doctor.
(Pointing at her.)

MISS KOOZY
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!   Shoot her someone quickly!

BRIGADIER (Puzzled.)
Doctor, you do have this way of making friends at first sight, don’t you?

MISS KOOZY
Don’t stand there blithering, that redheaded ratbag was with Psycho-Babe.   She’s the one who did most of the damage here and killed all my assistants.

THE DOCTOR (Pointing at herself.)
Who, me?

LIEUTENANT
When did she do all this?

MISS KOOZY
Just over an hour ago.

LIEUTENANT
Then it can’t have been the Doctor.   The Doctor has been in conference with the Brigadier, the President and the generals of staff at the Pentagon for more than four hours before coming here with us?

MISS KOOZY
Well, she looked enough like the Doctor that they could be sisters.

TURDLOW
Sisters?   No way, the Doctor is white!

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, so she can’t be a sister!

LIEUTENANT
No, that’s sis-tah’s you’re thinking of.

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW
Oh!

The Doctor looks about the complex.   Half the banks of computers have been smashed, as have some of the monitors.   Other monitors have been pulled out and thrown to the ground.

THE DOCTOR
My double sure made a mess of this place, didn’t she?

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah.   Are you sure it wasn’t you, Doctor?

TURDLOW
Will they be able to fix it in time for us to follow Psycho-Babe up to Mars, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Damned if I know.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then UK GENERAL and UK soldiers appear.

UK GENERAL
Miss Koozy, who the hell are these people?
(Pointing at Doctor and the others.)

BRIGADIER (Holding up papers.)
Brigadier Alexander Rightbridge-Stupid, of Eunuch Command, London.   And this is the Doctor, an electrical genius who works for Eunuch sometimes.

TURDLOW
A genius?   Who the Doctor?

PETITE TOOTS
Electrical geekess, more like it.

UK GENERAL
Yes, we’ve heard of the Doctor.   Well, Doctor, perhaps you won’t mind working under Miss Koozy while we repair this complex?

TURDLOW
Not at all.   Or better yet, I’ll take top spot over the pony-tailed hornbag, while we’re working away at it.

Miss Koozy turns to glare at him.

BRIGADIER
It’s a hell of a mess, Doctor, do you think you and Miss Koozy can get things working again?

THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry, Brigadier, I’ll do my best to botch something up.

PETITE TOOTS
Relax, the Doctor’s very good at botching things up.

TURDLOW
No one botches things up as badly as she does.

INT. SECRET SPACE COMPLEX IN U.K. — DAY — THREE
HOURS LATER — MISS KOOZY, &the Doctor are busily repairing the computer banks and replacing broken monitors with new ones.

Other technicians sit at the computers watching monitors and typing in commands, trying to get the computers functioning properly.

PETITE TOOTS (Whining.)
Have you nearly finished yet…?
(Half a beat.)
Have you nearly finished yet…?
(Half a beat.)
Have you nearly finished yet?

THE DOCTOR
Yes, dammit!   Just a few more delicate adjustments with the Odonumoscope and we’ll be ready to test it…
(Half a beat.)
Whoops!

The Doctor drops the Odonumoscope, which SMASHES to pieces.

MISS KOOZY (Shocked.)
Oh no!   That thing cost a million pounds!

THE DOCTOR
Double whoops…!
(Half a beat.)
Do you have another one lying about so I can finish adjusting this?

MISS KOOZY (Frustrated.)
No, it was the only one “lying about” in all of Great Britain.

THE DOCTOR
Well, I guess we’ll just have to use the Retardis to get to Mars after all.   Come on, everybody into the Retardis.

She turns and starts striding toward the Retardis.

PETITE TOOTS
Quickly, before they want us to pay for that thing.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — THE DOCTOR,
the Brigadier, Turdlow, Petite Toots, Lieutenant and Miss Koozy all race in through the doors LHS of SHOT.

MISS KOOZY
Oh my God, it’s bigger on the inside than out!   How is that possible?

The Doctor walks over to the consul, bends down and takes out the large plastic cube and the smaller cube.

THE DOCTOR (Holding them up.)
Which one of these is larger?

TURDLOW
Don’t start that again, Doctor, we haven’t got time.

PETITE TOOTS
Besides, no one ever believes that bogus explanation anyway!

Putting down the cubes, the Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close, OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY as the Retardis starts up.

Turdlow & Petite Toots both scream and race across to leap up on the consul.

THE DOCTOR
Don’t start that a….

The Retardis lurches wildly and the Doctor, the Brigadier, Lieutenant and Miss Koozy are thrown to the floor.

EXT. SURFACE OF MARS — DAY
The planet is covered in planet-life with large cities in the background.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis appears.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.

The Doctor, and the others step out, all wearing space suits and helmets, except for Lieutenant, who is in his uniform.

THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Hey wait a minute, there seems to be a breathable atmosphere.

She removes her helmet and breaths deeply.   The others also take off their helmets.

PETITE TOOTS
Not to mention flourishing plant life.

TURDLOW (Pointing.)
And major cities.

LIEUTENANT
Er, well, um, the thing is, we managed to melt the polar ice caps to create a breathable atmosphere ten years ago.   And reforested the planet at that time and built major cities here.

BRIGADIER
But what about those photos of a barren, lifeless planet sent back by the Mars probes a few years back?

LIEUTENANT
Those were fakes.

BRIGADIER/DOCTOR/TURDLOW/PETITE TOOTS/MISS KOOZY
Fakes?

LIEUTENANT
They were actually old footage taken by an early Mars probe, twenty years ago.

BRIGADIER
Allow me to re-iterate: so much for friendly co-operation and exchange of information between our two nations.

MISS KOOZY
My God, this place is so unlike the hustle and bustle of Earth.   It’s an unspoilt paradise.   Free from the more sordid side of humanity.

PETITE TOOTS
It was up until now.   But give the Doc two days at most, and it’ll be a new Sodom and Gomorrah.

BRIGADIER (Holding up a large handset.)
Doctor, according to the Yearometer, this is 1996; you’ve taken us back in time.

THE DOCTOR
Damn, an honest mistake, everyone back into the Retardis.

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — THE DOCTOR
turns a knob on the consul.   They are now wearing ordinary clothing.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open.

THE DOCTOR
Okay, everybody out again.

EXT. SURFACE OF MARS — DAY — THE DOCTOR &
the others race outside and stare about themselves in shock.

Most of the plant-life is now withered and dying, the distant cities are in ruins.

MISS KOOZY
My God, what could have happened?

TURDLOW
It’s only a few years in time since we were here last.

PETITE TOOTS
I told you a few seconds’ contamination by the Doc would be enough to turn it into Sodom and Gomorrah.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up!   This must be Psycho-Babe’s work.

PETITE TOOTS
A likely story.

BRIGADIER
Anyway, let’s try to reach the nearest city before sundown.

They start walking off toward the nearest city, seemingly miles away.

EXT. RUINED MARTIAN CITY — TWILIGHT — THE DOCTOR
and the others are just entering the city.

PETITE TOOTS
About time, I’m almost dead after that long walk.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up whining and stay back while we make certain Psycho-Babe and Quark-Leader aren’t about.

Petite Toots steps back behind the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
Why do you always hide behind my backside, when there’s any hint of danger?

PETITE TOOTS
Well, there’s plenty of cover back there.

THE DOCTOR (Considering a moment.)
Are you trying to say I’ve got a big bum?

PETITE TOOTS (Innocently.)
No way, Doctor, trust me on this.   But let’s just say that you have plenty of meat back there…
(Half a beat.)
In fact the man who marries you will never have to buy another rump steak as long as he lives.

THE DOCTOR
Something tells me I’m going to have to kill her eventually, if Psycho-Babe doesn’t kill her first.

INT. FOYER INSIDE GLASS TOWER — LIT
Door opens inwards and the Doctor and the others enter and start looking about the foyer.

MISS KOOZY
Which way, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
I guess we just look around till we find Psycho-Babe.

PETITE TOOTS
But that could take days.

THE DOCTOR (Looking inspiration-struck.)
Not necessarily.

The Doctor starts hunting through her large cloth bag.

She pulls out of it a surfboard, roller blades, inflated plastic beach toys, an old-fashioned typewriter, plus various other odds and sods.   Finally she pulls out what looks like a large remote-control unit.

THE DOCTOR (Adjusting it.)
This is a mineral-detector.   Like they use for hunting for gold, only much more sensitive.   All I have to do is set it for silicone and hey presto….

She presses a button on the handset and starts waving it round in different directions.

After a few moments a pale blue light goes on.

The detector starts BUZZING WILDLY and suddenly jumps, pulling the Doctor round and leaps forward to hit Miss Koozy in the chest.

TURDLOW
Well what’re you know, it really does work.

PETITE TOOTS
Well, it certainly found silicone.

MISS KOOZY
How dare you!   Those are not silicone.

THE DOCTOR
They must be; the mineral detector is never wrong!

MISS KOOZY
Well, it is on this occasion.

The Doctor, Petite Toots, Turdlow, the Brigadier, and Lieutenant all bend over at the waist to stare at Miss Koozy’s chest from a few inches away.

THE DOCTOR
What’re you think guys and guyettes?

PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/BRIGADIER/LIEUTENANT
They look like silicone to me.

MISS KOOZY (Angry.)
Well, they aren’t!

TURDLOW
Well, there’s only one sure way to tell.   The squeeze test.

He reaches out with both hands to grab Miss Koozy’s breasts, but she slaps his hands away.

MISS KOOZY (Indignant.)
Stop that!   They are not silicone!

THE DOCTOR
Nonetheless, you’d better stay behind me while we’re looking for Psycho-Babe…
(Half a beat.)
So you don’t distract the mineral detector.

MISS KOOZY (Embarrassed.)
They’re not silicone, honest.
(Stepping behind the Doctor.)

PETITE TOOTS
Me thinks the bimbo doth protest too much.

The Doctor holds the mineral-detector out in front of her and again it starts BUZZING WILDLY.

THE DOCTOR (Pointing.)
Ah-ha, she’s in that direction, but a long way off.

BRIGADIER
All right, let’s go.

They turn and set off in that direction.

INT. LONG CORRIDOR — LIT — THE DOCTOR &
the others walking slowly as the Doctor continually adjusts the handset.

The blue light is much darker now.

THE DOCTOR
We’re getting closer to her.

MISS KOOZY
Doctor, what do we do when we catch her?

BRIGADIER
Yes, we can’t just go bursting in there, unarmed.

THE DOCTOR
Oh yes, good thinking.
(Handing handset to Brigadier.)
Hold this.

Doctor starts taking things out of her bag: a beach ball, pineapples, a potted rubber plant, plus various other odds and sods.

Finally she pulls out two small generators, attached to a long length of copper wiring, which she hands to Lieutenant.

The Doctor takes the mineral detector again and they start off down the corridor again.

INT. LONG CORRIDOR — LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER
They reach a room which has a partly open door.

INT. WAR ROOM — LIT — PSYCHO-BABE,
Quark-Leader, and Doctor-Robot standing round looking at a large wall map.

INT. LONG CORRIDOR/WAR ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR
and the others looking through doorway into war room.

MISS KOOZY
There they are all right, now what do we do?

TURDLOW
Hey, she was right, that redhead really does look like the Doctor?

PETITE TOOTS
Are you sure it isn’t really you, Doctor?

The Doctor, Miss Koozy and the Brigadier shake their heads in amazement.

THE DOCTOR
Petite Toots, take those generators.
(Pointing at them.)
And you, Turdlow and the Lieutenant go up to the attic of this building.   Place the wires on the floor just inside the door to form a mat.   Then get ready to activate the generators…
(Half a beat.)
Miss Koozy, the Brigadier and I will lead Psycho-Babe and her helpers up to the attic…
(Half a beat.)
After we enter, you turn on the generators and that should short-circuit Quark-Leader and my look-alike.

TURDLOW
Will do, Doctor.

PETITE TOOTS
You know you can count on us, Doc.

THE DOCTOR
Oh God, I really wish she hadn’t said that.

PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Hey!

LIEUTENANT
What about Psycho-Babe?   Will it kill her?

THE DOCTOR
I’m not sure, but at least it should destroy her assistants and leave her defenceless.

Petite Toots, Turdlow and Lieutenant take the generators and wire and race off down the corridor.

MISS KOOZY
Now the question is; how do we get Psycho-Babe and the others to follow us?

BRIGADIER
Whatever we try has to be very subtle and sophisticated.

THE DOCTOR
Subtle and sophisticated, eh?
(Considering a moment.)
I know just the thing.

She pushes the door so it SLAMS open against the wall, startling Psycho-Babe and the others who turn round to look at her.

THE DOCTOR (Thumbing her nose at Psycho-Babe.)
Nah nah na nah nah!   Can’t catch me!

BRIGADIER (Amazed.)
Trust the Doctor to always have a subtle and sophisticated plan handy.

Quark-Leader, and Doctor-Robot turn round and stare toward the doorway, where the Doctor can be seen.

INT. WAR ROOM — LIT — PSYCHO-BABE,

PSYCHO-BABE (Shocked.)
It’s that rusty-headed retardo!   What is she doing here?

QUARK-LEADER
Don’t ask me, Mistress.   The Doctor-Robot was supposed to have set the T-Mit system to self-destruct after we T-Mitted out.

THE DOCTOR-ROBOT
I did.

PSYCHO-BABE
Well never mind that now.   After them!

Doctor-Robot, Quark-Leader, and Psycho-Babe start racing across toward the door.

INT. CORRIDOR/WAR ROOM — LIT

THE DOCTOR
Here they come.

BRIGADIER
Chicken out everybody!

He takes off down the corridor with Miss Koozy and the Doctor not far behind him.

After a few seconds Doctor-Robot, Quark-Leader, and Psycho-Babe race out of the war room and start after the Doctor, Miss Koozy, and the Brigadier.

INT. STAIRWELL — LIT — THE BRIGADIER,
Miss Koozy, and the Doctor racing up the stairs.  

Not far behind them Doctor-Robot, Quark-Leader, and Psycho-Babe race after them.

BRIGADIER (Between pants.)
Oh God, how much further?

MISS KOOZY
Don’t give up now, we’re nearly there.

INT. ATTIC — LIT — DOOR BURSTS OPEN & THE DOCTOR,
the Brigadier, and Miss Koozy race in, with Doctor-Robot, Quark-Leader, and Psycho-Babe just behind them.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Right, spring the trap!

Turdlow, Petite Toots, and Lieutenant are sitting at a small table, with their feet up on poufs, sipping tea or coffee.

TURDLOW (Matter-of-factly.)
What trap, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
The electrical field to zap Psycho-Babe and her helpers; that I told you to set up inside the door.

Turdlow and Petite Toots exchange a puzzled look.

PETITE TOOTS
Sorry, we must have misunderstood you.

TURDLOW
Yes, we thought you said to come up here, take it easy, put our feet up, and have a nice cuppa.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   You idiots!

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then Doctor-Robot, Quark-Leader, and Psycho-Babe race into the attic.

PSYCHO-BABE
So, Doctor, thanks to the incompetency of your two young hindrances, I have caught you again.

PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Hey!   We’re her helpers, not her hindrances!

THE DOCTOR
Trust me, she knows what she means.

MISS KOOZY
Doctor, how can we escape?

TURDLOW
Why don’t you use some of that karate stuff that you used earlier, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Good idea, Turdlow.

The Doctor karate-chops Psycho-Babe’s shoulder.

THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The Doctor clutches her hand and starts kissing it.

PETITE TOOTS
But don’t try it on Psycho-Babe, because she’s made of stone.

THE DOCTOR (Kissing her hand.)
Thanks for the warning.

PETITE TOOTS
That’s okay, Doc, any time.

PSYCHO-BABE
So, Doctor, what do you say now?

The Doctor reaches into her cloth bag and pulls out a small white paper bag, which she holds out toward Psycho-Babe.

THE DOCTOR
Jelly baby?

PSYCHO-BABE
Yes, thank you.

Psycho-Babe goes to take one, but the bag falls.

PSYCHO-BABE
Whoops, sorry.

Psycho-Babe bends down to pick up the bag.

As Psycho-Babe straightens up again, the Doctor kicks her in the face.

Psycho-Babe grunts, goes flying backwards and hits the wall with a THUD, scattering jelly babies everywhere.

THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

The Doctor turns and runs past Doctor-Robot and Quark-Leader and starts back down the stairs.

After a second the Brigadier, Miss Koozy, Turdlow, and Lieutenant all start down the stairs after the Doctor.

PETITE TOOTS
Let that be a lesson to you!   Never accept jelly babies from a redhead bearing gifts!

THE DOCTOR O/S
Shut up and just run!

Petite Toots squeals, spins round and races past Doctor-Robot and Quark-Leader to start after the Doctor.

THE DOCTOR ROBOT (Puzzled.)
Mistress, they’re getting away.

PSYCHO-BABE (Climbing back to her feet.)
Well, get after them, dammit!

Psycho-Babe, Doctor-Robot, and Quark-Leader start racing down the stairs.

INT. STAIRWELL NEAR BOTTOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR,
the Brigadier, Miss Koozy, Lieutenant, Turdlow, then Petite Toots come racing down the stairs and out through a small door into the foyer.

A few seconds later Psycho-Babe, Doctor-Robot, and Quark-Leader come charging down after them.

EXT. OUTSIDE BUILDING — NIGHT — THE DOCTOR,
the Brigadier, Miss Koozy, Lieutenant, Turdlow, then Petite Toots come racing out the front door and out across the red sandy desert.

A few seconds later Psycho-Babe, Doctor-Robot, and Quark-Leader come charging out the door after them.

PSYCHO-BABE
Don’t let them get away.

EXT. FOREST — NIGHT — RETARDIS
is at the edge of the forest as the Doctor, the Brigadier, Miss Koozy, Lieutenant, Turdlow, then Petite Toots come racing out of the red sandy desert.

A few seconds later Psycho-Babe, Doctor-Robot, and Quark-Leader come charging out of the red sandy desert after them.

THE DOCTOR
Quickly, into the Retardis!

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIGHTED — THE DOCTOR
and her companions race into the Retardis.

TURDLOW
Quickly, Doctor, shut the doors.

Psycho-Babe, Doctor-Robot, and Quark-Leader come charging into the consul room.

MISS KOOZY
Oh, no, too late!

PSYCHO-BABE
What can you do now, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Only this, I suppose.

She flips a switch on the consul.   Low HUMMING, then Doctor-Robot and Quark-Leader both fall over with a CRASH.

PSYCHO-BABE (Shocked.)
What have you done, you rusty-headed retardo?

THE DOCTOR
Switched on the Retardis’s robot-deactivation switch…
(Half a beat.)
It pays to have one handy for just such an emergency.

PETITE TOOTS (Shaking head.)
Like how convenient is this!

TURDLOW
Yeah, who’s ever gonna believe such an obvious con.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up both of you!

The Doctor turns a knob on the consul.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.

BRIGADIER
Now what’ll you do, you green-clad bimbo, without your robotic army to do your dirty work for you?

PSYCHO-BABE
I guess there’s only one thing I can do.

Psycho-Babe puts her hands up.

The Brigadier takes a pair of handcuffs from his coat pocket, then goes across and cuffs Psycho-Babe’s hands behind her back.

MISS KOOZY
What will we do with her now, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Dump her on her own planet.

PSYCHO-BABE
You’ve got no right to do this, Doctor.

BRIGADIER
It’s your own fault, you damned assassin.

MISS KOOZY
Yes, imagine trying to assassinate the U.S. President.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, impeaching him is one thing.   But assassinating him!

PSYCHO-BABE
Is it any different on Gallafart or Earth, Doctor?   Throughout human history it has been an acceptable custom to hire assassins.   Usually the dumb, so they cannot turn informant.

PETITE TOOTS
The dumb?
(Pointing at the Doctor.)
Ah-ha you’re the assassin, Doctor!

TURDLOW
Dingle, “dumb” means they can’t talk.

PETITE TOOTS (Considering a moment.)
Oh.   Then it certainly isn’t Doc.   She never shuts up!

THE DOCTOR
You can’t afford to talk, you miniaturised motor mouth!

The Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY as the Retardis lurches to RHS, throwing everybody to the floor.

TURDLOW
Doctor, you almost killed us all then!

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, you orta give us warning so we can get into crash positions.

EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — NIGHT — SNOW IS FALLING &
covers the landscape.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis
appears.

ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors open, then the Doctor, Psycho-Babe and the others exit.

Brigadier and Miss Koozy are dragging Doctor-Robot out and the Doctor and Turdlow are dragging out Quark-Leader.

PETITE TOOTS
My God it’s freezing here, it must be a hundred below.

THE DOCTOR (Sarcastic.)
Looks like we came in the middle of summer.

PSYCHO-BABE (Astonished.)
How did you know that, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR
Actually, I was just being sarky.

MISS KOOZY
Oh, my God, look at this barren, lifeless planet, what happened here?

PSYCHO-BABE
I happened here.   This planet was once thriving with life, but then the council of Elders tried to execute me…
(Half a beat.)
So I destroyed all life on the planet.

THE DOCTOR (Shocked.)
You destroyed all life on the planet, just to save your own?

PSYCHO-BABE
You can hardly talk, you intergalactic, time-travelling troublemaker.   I’m no worse than you!

THE DOCTOR
That’s nonsense!

PETITE TOOTS
It certainly is.   When the Doctor wipes out an entire species, it’s never on purpose.

TURDLOW
She just stumbles about like a retardo until accidentally committing genocide on a scale unknown since the days of the Nazis….

THE DOCTOR (Between gritted teeth.)
Thank you, Turdlow.

PETITE TOOTS
By the way, what does “genocide” mean?

TURDLOW
It’s similar to Harpic or Pine-O-Clean.

PETITE TOOTS
Oh, I see!

FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE:

TAG:

FADE IN:
INT. WHITE HOUSE, PRESIDENT’S OFFICE — DAY
The Retardis is by the door.

Bill Clinton, the Brigadier, and various VIPs stand round watching as Turdlow nails down the front step of the Retardis.

TURDLOW
That’s the last time you’ll ever stumble over that step and save the universe, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up!   Are you sure it won’t come loose again?

PETITE TOOTS
Not a chance; he used six-inch nails.
(Holding one up.)

THE DOCTOR
Good, good.

The Doctor turns round and starts shaking hands with Bill Clinton, the Brigadier and the VIPs.

BILL CLINTON (Shaking Doctor’s hand.)
I’m sorry my wife couldn’t be here to see you off, Doctor, but she had another important engagement.

THE DOCTOR
That’s quite all right.

PETITE TOOTS
What she had to wash her hair?

BILL CLINTON (Embarrassed.)
Er, um, well yes.
(Doctor glares at him.)
But her hair really did need washing urgently.

Doctor glares at him again.

PETITE TOOTS
Well, fair enough.   As long as she had a good excuse.

Doctor glares at her.

THE DOCTOR
Shut up, you miniaturised muscle head.

She shakes the Brigadier’s hand then moves on.

TURDLOW
Come on, Doctor.

PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, stop sucking up to the dignitaries.

THE DOCTOR (Waving at the VIPS.)
Well, I suppose we’d better be going now.

She turns and follows Turdlow and Petite Toots into the Retardis.

OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis starts to rise and vanish.

BRIGADIER (Pointing at floor near Retardis.)
Oh no, they’ve nailed it to the floorboards!

Three or four floorboards start to lift away, and then as the Retardis vanishes, the floorboards vanish too.

Bill Clinton, the Brigadier and VIPs race across and look down.

INT. BATHROOM BELOW PRESIDENT’S OFFICE — DAY
HILLARY Clinton is sitting up naked in one inch of water in the bath.

She picks up a sponge and starts soap up her breasts, then reaches down with a washcloth and starts soaping her genitals.

HILLARY (Shrieking.)
Oh yes!   Yes!   Yes!   Yes!   So gooooooooood!   So gooooooooood!      So gooooooooood!
(Soaping her genitals furiously.)
Oh God!   Oh God!   I’m going to die!   I’m going to die from pleasure.   Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

INT. BATHROOM/PRESIDENT’S OFFICE — DAY
As she climaxes Hillary looks up at the ceiling and sees Bill Clinton and the others staring down at her in astonishment.

BILL CLINTON (Waving with his right hand.)
Hello, dear.   What’s for dinner tonight?

HILLARY
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

She leaps out of the bath, wraps a towel around herself and races out of the bathroom.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS retreating into the distance.

BILL CLINTON (Puzzled.)
Looks like she forgot to cook dinner tonight.

INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE — DAY

BILL CLINTON (To Security Guard.)
Er, TIM, could you arrange to have those floorboards replaced as soon as possible?

TIM (Starting toward door.)
Yessir.

BILL CLINTON (Considering a moment.)
Oh and you’d better warn Chelsea not to use that bathroom till the floorboards have been replaced.

TIM
Yessir.

Tim walks over to the door and exits.

FADE OUT:

END OF TAG: