HILDA BRODERICK, DIRECTOR: Mid to late thirties

CAMERAMAN

PRODUCER, CHARLIE: Fat, middle-aged

GEORGE SMERNIK: Middle-aged

MAVIS SMERNIK: Middle-aged; very fat

BUS DRIVER

BOB: Producer at El Cheapo Crappo Films

DON: Cameraman at El Cheapo Crappo Films

SUZIE: Editor at El Cheapo Crappo Films

SS OFFICER

GENERAL

SERGEANT

COLONEL

MOTHER at hospital

DAUGHTER at hospital

SILVER ALIEN

SILVER ROBOT

GENERAL

LIEUTENANT

MAJOR

AUNT BEA

MAN WITH GLASSES

BRUNETTE

TAXI DRIVER

CHIEF NASA TECHNICIAN, MR JOHNSTON

1ST NASA TECHNICIAN

2ND NASA TECHNICIAN

FEMALE TECHNICIAN

1ST ASTRONAUT

2ND ASTRONAUT

BLACK ASTRONAUT, GEORGE THOMAS

U.S. PRESIDENT

1ST LADY

BLONDE “MARTIAN”

BRUNETTE “MARTIAN”

BRUCE: Cameraman

1ST MAN: On “The Smart-Asses”

1ST WOMAN: On “The Smart-Asses”

3RD PANELLIST: On “The Smart-Asses”

4TH PANELLIST: On “The Smart-Asses”

BOB T.

JUNE: psycho-analyst

LETTI: Fat woman patient

TIGER WOODS

SOO-LI: Woman at psycho-Analyst’s

NODAX: Black-haired alien, symbiotic alien

KERRY: Thin, mousy-haired woman

CAMERAMAN

PRODUCER

DIRECTOR

JON CONEY: Mission Leader, moon-base Alpha-Beta

VINNIE: Technical & science head, Space station Alpha-Beta

SANDY: Asian woman, one of main video monitor operators

ADAM: Pilot of Hawk; blond with Aussie accent

ELEANOR RUSSETT: Silver-blonde, mid 30s; chief doctor on Alpha-Beta

BOY/TURK: Alien child, about 5-years old

MARIA: Mother of baby

BABY: Turns into BOY/TURK

GLORIA: Blonde woman naked on monitor

GINGER: Naked redhead on monitor

BEKKIE: Black woman naked on monitor

CONRAD: Black doctor assisting ELEANOR RUSSETT

TEX: Fat man with Texan accent.

FEMALE DOCTOR: Thirties, tall, willowy redhead, mid thirties

THICKIE: Short, dark-haired teenager

ABRICK: Short, dark-haired teenager

MEGAN: Short, brunette in early twenties

EMCEE

BIMBO-BABE: young clutsy blonde, late teens

AIRHEAD-BABE: young clutsy black chick, early twenties

DOPEY-BABE: young clutsy brunette, early twenties

SMART-ARSE-BABE: young clutsy brunette, early twenties

BONEHEAD-BABE: young clutsy bottle-redhead, late twenties

EXTRAS
passengers on bus tour; audiences at TV studios; extras at psycho-analyst’s; extra staff at moon-base Alpha-Beta

CROWDS
watching flying saucer land; British troops on parade in WWII;

INTERIOR SETS
CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SHOWERS

INSIDE COACH

GENERAL’S OFFICE

HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM

DINGY WAREHOUSE
— viewing room
— kiosk area

INSIDE TAXI

AUNT BEA’S HOUSE
— corridor near front door
— living room/TV area
— kitchen/dining area

STRETCH LIMO

OLD HANGER

NASA-CONTROL

TV STUDIO, THE SMART-ASSES

BOB T.’S LIVING ROOM

PSYCHO-ANALYST GROUP MEETING ROOM

SPACEPORT INTERIOR MELROSE PLACE IN OUTER SOACE

MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA
— Main operations room
— Hospital ward
— Jon Coney’s Office
— Vinnie’s workroom
— Eleanor’s shower cubicle seen over monitor
— Ginger’s shower cubicle seen over monitor
— Sandy’s shower cubicle seen over monitor
— Blonde’s shower cubicle seen over monitor
— Black woman’s shower cubicle seen over monitor
— Corridor Jon Coney runs down
— Community room where Eleanor and Jon look outside

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
HILL
— hilltop
— glen at bottom of hill

STREET WHERE COACH STARTS OFF

OUTSIDE PARAMOUNT STUDIOS

OUTSIDE FOX STUDIOS

OUTSIDE MGM STUDIOS

OUTSIDE WARNER STUDIOS

STREET OUTSIDE WAREHOUSE (EL CHEAPO CRAPPO FILM STUDIOS.)

CAR PARK ACROSS ROAD FROM WAREHOUSE

STREET OUTSIDE FILM STUDIO

PARADE GROUND WWII

PARK WHERE FLYING SAUCER LANDS

STREET TAXI RACES DOWN

CAPE CANAVERAL, LAUNCH PAD

MALIBU BEACH

MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA: large white, obviously plastic model

Surface of the moon

TEASER:

FADE IN:
EXT. HILLTOP — DAY

DISTANT SHOT of a blonde woman in Swiss national costume
dancing round on hilltop.

SUPER TITLE: THE SOUND OF MOLE SPIT.

WOMAN (Singing.)
The hills are alive….

PAN IN CLOSE on dancing woman.

WOMAN
With the sound of mole spit….

PAN IN CLOSE and keep PANNING IN till woman is in extreme close up.

WOMAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

EXT. HILLTOP — DAY — CAMERAMAN
& female Director, HILDA, are standing together on the hilltop, staring at the actress.

HILDA (Puzzled.)
What the hell’s wrong with her?

CAMERAMAN
She’s probably seen her lines for this film.

HILDA (Glaring at him.)
Shut up!

EXT. HILLTOP — DAY — WOMAN
on hilltop is looking back behind her.

TUNNELLING UNDERGROUND, then a great hole opens outwards behind her.

The head of a gigantic mole pops up behind Woman.  

MOLE grabs Woman in its mouth and vanishes back into its tunnel.

EXT. HILLTOP — DAY — CAMERAMAN
and Hilda standing together on the hilltop, staring in amazement at the hole in the ground.

HILDA
Well that’s something you don’t see every day.

CAMERAMAN
Thank goodness.

HILDA (Glaring at him.)
Shut up!

HILDA
I knew we were tempting fate with the name of this picture!

CAMERAMAN
Nag!   Nag!   Nag!

Hilda turns and glares at Cameraman.   She opens her mouth to speak….

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SHOWER ROOM — DAY
SHOWER RUNNING inside.   Then the SHOWER GOES OFF. 

SOMEONE WALKING BAREFOOT, THEN TOWELLING OFF, THEN SOUND OF THEM GETTING DRESSED.

A middle-aged man, Charlie, the PRODUCER, who is gay,
walks up and stops outside the door.

PRODUCER (Gazing at his watch.)
What in the world is keeping her?   I mean how long does it take to have a shower?

FOOTSTEPS behind the door.

The door opens and Hilda walks out, dressed, but wearing a towel wrapped round her hair.

PRODUCER
Well it’s about time!   What kept you?

HILDA
It’s none of your damn business how long I take to shower!

PRODUCER
Now, now, sweetie, don’t get you knockers in a nick.   Are you forgetting you’ve got that coach tour to guide today?

HILDA (Horrified.)
Oh God, no!

FOOTSTEPS behind the door.

The door opens and Cameraman walks out, wearing only a towel around his loins.

CAMERAMAN
Is it all clear…?

He stops and stares at Producer, who stares at him.

PRODUCER
Well, hello, sailor.

Cameraman ducks back in behind the door and SLAMS it shut again.

HILDA
Er, well, um, you see, that is….

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
EXT. FILM STUDIO — DAY — HILDA &
Cameraman standing beside a large bus with a line of fifteen or so people holding tickets, queuing to get aboard, outside the studio.

CAMERAMAN (Whiningly.)
But why do I have to go along?

HILDA
After stepping out of that damn shower when you did, you’re lucky I don’t fire you.

Cameraman shuts up, but pouts.

As the people board the bus, they hand their tickets to Hilda who barely glances at them.

The last two are a middle-aged couple, GEORGE SMERNIK and
MAVIS SMERNIK.   George is a small, thin man.   Mavis is enormously fat.

GEORGE SMERNIK
Hello, I’m George Smernik, and this is my wife, Mavis.

Mavis is chewing gum and almost chokes when she tries
to say hello.

Finally she takes out the gum and holds out her hand to shake.

Hilda glances down to make sure the gum is in the other hand, then tentatively shakes hands.

MAVIS SMERNIK
Hi, I’m a big fan of yours, Mrs Broderick.

HILDA (Bored.)
Oh, really.

She looks at Cameraman, and they both look to the heavens.

MAVIS SMERNIK
I’ve seen all your films: The Sound of Mucus, The Sound of More Sex, The Sound of Fucking…
(Half a beat.)
That one was almost Swiftean in its rapier-like subtlety.   You name it, I’ve seen them all.

CAMERAMAN
What about the Sound of Mule Shit?

MAVIS SMERNIK (Puzzled.)
Er, no, I haven’t seen that one.

HILDA
What about the Sound of Mayhem?

MAVIS SMERNIK
Er, well, um, no.   I haven’t seen that one either.

HILDA
Well, what about the Sound of Morphodites…?
(Mavis shakes her head.)
Or the Sound of Mackerels…?
(Mavis shakes her head.)

EXT. FILM STUDIO — DAY — FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

HILDA
Then how about the Sound of Flatulence?

MAVIS SMERNIK (Embarrassed.)
I’m afraid not.

HILDA
I thought you said you’d seen all of my films?

MAVIS SMERNIK (Apologetic.)
All right, I’ve seen some of your films…
(Half a beat.)
Three to be exact.

HILDA (Annoyed.)
Out of 72 films I’ve made to date, you’ve only seen three of them?

MAVIS SMERNIK (Apologetic.)
I’ve been meaning to see the others, but I never seem to get the time.   I mean there’s the housework to do, looking after the kids, looking after George.
(Half a beat.)
Washing my hair.
(Half a beat.)
Painting my toenails…
(Half a beat.)
But I really liked the three I did see.   I mean the wit.   The subtlety, the sophistication.   Nobody has ever made funnier films than you.

HILDA (Smiling broadly.)
Why, thank you.

MAVIS SMERNIK
Unless it was Mel Brookes…
(Half a beat.)
Monty Python…
(Half a beat.)
The Keystone Kops…
(Half a beat.)
The Marx Brothers…
(Half a beat.)
Laurel and Hardy…
(Half a beat.)
The Three Stooges…
(Half a beat.)
Abbott & Costello…
(Half a beat.)
Morecambe & Wise…
(Half a beat.)
Tony Hancock…
(Half a beat.)
Buster Keaton…
(Half a beat.)
Charlie Chaplin…
(Half a beat.)
Leslie Neilson…
(Half a beat.)
Eddie Murphy…
(Half a beat.)
Jerry Lewis…
(Half a beat.)
Bill Cosby…
(Half a beat.)
Terry Thomas…
(Half a beat.)
Phil Silvers…
(Half a beat.)
Lucille Ball….

Hilda is now glaring at her.

MAVIS SMERNIK
Phyllis Diller…
(Half a beat.)
Marilyn Monroe…
(Half a beat.)
Tom Hanks…
(Half a beat.)
Don Knots…
(Half a beat.)
Tim Conway…
(Half a beat.)
Chevy Chace…
(Half a beat.)
The Carry On team…
(Half a beat.)
The Flying High movies…
(Half a beat.)
The Ghost Busters movies…
(Half a beat.)
The Blues Brothers…
(Half a beat.)
Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines…
(Half a beat.)
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Etc., World….

HILDA (Angry.)
Look!   Is this verbal put-down supposed to be getting you into my good books for any particular reason?

GEORGE SMERNIK (Holding up a camcorder.)
Yes.   We were hoping you’d allow us to make a home movie of our outing today?

HILDA (Shouting.)
Oh God, no!
(Half a beat./Calmly.)
I mean, yeah, sure, okay.
George and Mavis both grin like idiots.

TIGHT ON MAVIS SMERNIK
HOT in flickery B&W.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
Hi, I’m George Smernik, and this is my wife, Mavis.

MAVIS SMERNIK
No, no, George, you had the camera on me when you introduced yourself.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
Sorry.

PAN ROUND in wide arc, to show tourist bus and people
lining up beside it, as George tries to aim the camcorder at himself.   Finally we get a shot of his left ear.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
You’re gonna have to hold it for me, Mavis, my arms aren’t long enough.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
I don’t know how to operate it.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
Just hold the damn thing and I’ll operate it.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
I don’t know how to hold it.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O (Frustrated.)
Just point it at me and I’ll do the rest.

EXTREME CLOSE UP of George, so only part of his face is in SHOT.

GEORGE SMERNIK
Hi, I’m George Smernik…
(Half a beat.)
Now point it at yourself.

MAVIS SMERNIK V/O (Whining.)
I don’t know how to point it at myself.

GEORGE SMERNIK
Here, give it to me.

PAN ROUND in wide arc, to show tourist bus and people
lining up beside it, until finally Mavis is in shot again.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
And this is my wife, Mavis…
(Half a beat.)
This film is a documentary of our tour of all of America’s great film studios.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Oh don’t say a documentary, George.   It sounds so pretentious.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O (Frustrated.)
Well, what should I say?

MAVIS SMERNIK
Say a record.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
Oh, all right, I’ll start again…
(Half a beat.)
This film is a record of our tour of all of America’s great film studios.

CLOSE ON people lining up to get on the bus.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is the line of people waiting to go on the tour.

EXT. FILM STUDIO — DAY — MAVIS SMERNIK
is the last person to board the bus, apart from George.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is Mavis, boarding the bus.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Well, give me a hand up someone.

BUS DRIVER (Getting out of his seat.)
Should I get a forklift?   Or just risk my back?

Bus Driver, a thickset man, struggles to pull Mavis onto the bus by one arm.

BUS DRIVER
Well, gimme a hand someone.

Hilda and two or three passengers run down the coach to help.   They grab Mavis by both arms and struggle to pull her aboard.

Hilda and Mavis go flying backwards out through the bus doors.

HILDA
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Hilda and Mavis roll around on the bitumen for a moment.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is Mavis falling on her fat ass, and taking the tour guide with her.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Shut up, George!

CLOSE ON Mavis, whose skirt has fallen over her head, revealing her underwear.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
And this is Mavis in her undies.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Shut up, George!

BREAKING GLASS.

FADE TO BLACK:

METAL LID BEING UNSCREWED.

METAL LID BEING SCREWED ONTO A GLASS JAR.

FADE IN:

EXT. FILM STUDIO — DAY — MAVIS SMERNIK

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is me screwing a new lens onto the camera.   After the sight of Mavis in undies shattered the old lens.

Mavis and Hilda are now standing again.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Shut up, George.

Mavis and Hilda return to the bus.

This time Hilda tries to push Mavis up into the bus, while the driver and another passenger try to pull her up by her arms.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is Mavis boarding the bus again.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Shut up, George!

CLOSE ON Mavis from behind as she starts to fall again.

CLOSE ON Hilda looking horrified as Mavis falls toward her.

HILDA
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

PAN BACK to include the others as Mavis lands on top of Hilda.

Hilda seems to have been squashed flat since there is no sign of her.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is Mavis killing our tour-guide.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Shut up, George.

Mavis climbs back to her feet with the help of Bus-Driver and two male passengers.

They then push Mavis up into the bus as other passengers pull her by her arms.

Hilda is also helped to her feet and stands well away, looking very ill.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is the third attempt to get Mavis aboard the bus.   Has anyone got a fulcrum handy?

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Shut up, dammit, George!

Finally with a lot of HUFFING and SWEARING, they manage to get Mavis aboard the bus.

Hilda climbs on after her, the bus door shuts, and the bus finally starts up.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
And this is the bus driving away.
(Shouting.)
Hey wait a minute, I’m not aboard yet!

MOVING SHOT as George starts running after the coach, still filming.

CLOSE ON a full, wire rubbish bin, just before George crashes into it.

He and the camcorder go flying.

360 PAN of the rubbish bin, the sky, buildings across the street, then the road as the camcorder crashes to the ground.

EXT. FILM STUDIO — DAY
CLOSE ON BUS at ground level, as it pulls up beside George again.

The door opens and Hilda leans out.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is the coach coming back for me.

MAVIS SMERNIK V/O (Whining.)
Shut up, George!

HILDA
For God’s sake, get aboard, you idiot.

CLOSE ON the doorway, then steps of the coach as George climbs aboard.

INT. INSIDE COACH — DAY — GEORGE SMERNIK
walks past people, who wrinkle up their noses and stare at him in disgust.

CLOSE ON Mavis as George sits next to her.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Oh God, you smell like shit, George.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
It’s not my fault.

EXT. OUTSIDE FILM STUDIOS — DAY

SCREECHING OF BRAKES as coach pulls up.

CLOSE ON door of the coach as people disembark.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
Here’s Mavis, disembarking at our first port of call.   The magnificent Paramount Film Studios.

180 PAN ROUND from Mavis to show film studios.

MAVIS SMERNIK V/O (Whining.)
Wait until I get in front of the studios, George, dammit.

HUFFING and PANTING, then Mavis waddles into SHOT and stands, looking red-faced in front of the studio gates.

She does her best to pose by the gates, but is gasping for breath.

BUS DRIVER (Walking up to gate.)
This is the world famous Paramount Film Studios.   Where they made such classic films as: Paint Your Wagon; A Place in the Sun; Ash Wednesday; One-Eyed Jacks; We’re No Angels; The Godfather; the Godfather 2; The Godfather 3; the Godfather 4….

EXT. OUTSIDE FILM STUDIOS — DAY — TWO HOURS LATER

BUS DRIVER
The Godfather 9783, et cetera.

HILDA
Right everybody back on the bus.

STAMPEDE OF FEET as they run back toward the coach.

Bus starts and drives away.

EXT. OUTSIDE FILM STUDIOS — DAY

SCREECHING OF BRAKES as the coach pulls up.

CLOSE ON door of the coach as people disembark.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
And here’s Mavis, disembarking at our second port of call.   The superb Fox Film Studios.

MOVING SHOT following Mavis as she walks round to stand in front of the gates.

BUS DRIVER
This is the legendary Twentieth-Century Fox Film Studios.   Where they made such famous films as: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes; How to Marry a Millionaire; River of No Return; The Seven Year Itch; Bus Stop; Let’s Make Love; The Young Lions; Viva Zapata; Cleopatra, et cetera.

MAVIS SMERNIK
What have they made more recently?

BUS DRIVER
God, how would I know?

MAVIS SMERNIK (Straight at camera.)
Nothing by the sounds of it.

Bus Driver glares at her.

HILDA
Right everybody back on the bus.

STAMPEDE OF FEET as they run back toward the coach again.

Bus starts and drives away.

EXT. OUTSIDE FILM STUDIOS — DAY

SCREECHING OF BRAKES as the coach pulls up.

CLOSE ON door of the coach as people disembark.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
And here’s Mavis, disembarking at our third port of call.   The wonderful Metro Goldwin Meyer Film Studios.

Mavis waddles over to stand by the gate.

A large guard dog races across and barks at her.

Mavis shrieks and waddles back toward the coach.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is Mavis racing away in terror from the guard dog.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Shut up, George!

BUS DRIVER
This is the stupendous MGM studios, where they made such masterpieces as: Kelly’s Heroes; National Velvet; Little Women; Father of the Bride; Father’s Little Dividend; Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; That’s Entertainment; That’s Entertainment 2, et cetera.

HILDA
Right everybody back on the bus.

STAMPEDE OF FEET as they run back toward the coach again.

Bus starts and drives away.

EXT. OUTSIDE FILM STUDIOS — DAY

SCREECHING OF BRAKES as the coach pulls up.

CLOSE ON door of the coach as people disembark.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
And here’s Mavis, disembarking at our fourth port of call.   The sensational Warner Brothers Studios.

Mavis waddles over to stand by the gate.

BUS DRIVER
And this is the renowned Warner Brothers Studios, where they made such great films as: San Quentin; The Maltese Falcon; Casablanca; To Have and Have Not; The Big Sleep; Key Largo; Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf; Dirty Harry, et cetera.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Holding up a hand.)
How come they’ve all made films called, “Et cetera”?

EVERYONE EXCEPT MAVIS SMERNIK
Shut up!

HILDA
Right everybody back on the bus.

STAMPEDE OF FEET as they run back toward the coach
again.

Bus starts and drives away.

EXT. OUTSIDE WAREHOUSE — LATE AFTERNOON

SCREECHING OF BRAKES as the coach pulls up.

CLOSE ON door of the coach as people disembark.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
And here’s Mavis, disembarking at our final port of call….

CLOSE UP on broken-down warehouse.

Mavis and the others walk into SHOT and stare in amazement at the broken-down warehouse.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Oh my God, what is this dump?

HILDA (Puzzled.)
Um, er, I’m not sure?

She starts flicking through her guidebook, with Cameraman standing behind her, looking over her shoulder.

BUS DRIVER (Staring at warehouse.)
Jesus, I musta stopped here by mistake.

CLOSE ON Mavis pointing at a sign above the warehouse gate.

MAVIS SMERNIK
What does it say on that sign, George?

PAN ROUND toward the sign, as George aims the camcorder at it.
As he gets the sign into focus, a sparrow flies by and lands on the LHS corner of the sign.

The sparrow CHIRPS in terror and flies away as the left-hand end of the sign falls away under it.

The left-hand end of the sign swings round in a 180 Degree arc until it is on the RHS upside down, then the other end of the sign pulls loose and the sign falls to the sidewalk.

MAVIS SMERNIK V/O (Whining.)
Well, go over and have a look, George.

CLOSE IN ON SIGN as George approaches it.

Writing is upside-down, so George taps it over with his foot.

180 PAN as George goes round to the other side of the sign to film what it says.

CLOSE ON SIGN, which says, EL CHEAPO CRAPPO FILMS.

MAVIS SMERNIK V/O
Well, what’s it say, George?

180 PAN round to Mavis and the other coach travellers.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
El Cheapo Crappo Films.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Disbelief.)
What?

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
That’s what it says, “El Cheapo Crappo Films”.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Screeching.)
El Cheapo Crappo Films?

BUS DRIVER
Oh that’s right.   That’s that new dump that opened up recently.   They operate out of an old abandoned warehouse, with a second-hand camcorder, and a hand-held cassette recorder…
(Half a beat.)
They also used to have a broken-down old Morris Minor, but they double-parked it once too often in front of that fire hydrant….
(Pointing to hydrant across the street.)
And it was towed away.   Then they had to choose between spending their last fifty bucks on redeeming their car or finishing their first film…
(Half a beat.)
Regrettably they chose to finish the film.   Personally I think they made a big mistake.   I mean okay, so the car had five flat tyres, no spark plugs, a flat battery, and no glass in the front windshield, and one of the outside rear-view mirrors had been ripped off…
(Half a beat.)
Still it had to be a better bet than finishing the damn film!…
(Half a beat.)
Anyway, their credits to date include: El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide to Woodworking; El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide to Plumbing; El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide to Bricklaying; and El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide to Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery for Beginners…
(Half a beat.)
They haven’t actually released a full-length film yet.   Just pray to God that they never do.

CLOSE ON EL CHEAPO CRAPPO sign again.

Change to COLOUR SHOT.

PAN BACK as Bus Driver walks over to the warehouse and knocks on a small wooden door.

With a CRASH the door falls inwards.

Two men and a woman walk out through the doorway.

PRODUCER is in his sixties; tall and grey-haired; DON is in his early forties; SUZIE is short and thin and in her mid to late thirties.

PRODUCER
Hi, my name’s Bob, and I’m the producer at El Cheapo Crappo Films.
(Pointing to second man.)
This is Don, our cameraman.

Don holds up an ancient-looking box-brownie camera and starts snapping their photos.

PRODUCER
Don, please!   Don’t waste precious film.

DON
Sorry.

PRODUCER (Pointing to woman.)
And this is Suzie, our film editor.

Suzie is carrying a reel of movie film in one hand and a large carving knife in the other.   She hacks off a foot or so of the film with the knife.

SUZIE
Well, we sure don’t need that bit.

She throws the strip of film onto the ground beside a rubbish bin.

PRODUCER
As you can see, like all of our staff, Suzie is a bit of a perfectionist.
(Hilda & others look astonished.)
Well, if you’d all like to follow me, I’ll take you to our film studio, where you can see snippets of some of our upcoming escapes…
(Half a beat.)
Er, um, that is, releases.

MOVING SHOT following them as Producer leads them across the sidewalk to stop at the kerb.   He looks both ways, then races out and stops in the centre of the road, on the white line.

Bus Driver and the passengers look sceptical.

SUZIE (Shooing them.)
Come on, come on, just wait for a break in the traffic then run.

DON
And hope for the best.

They still look reluctant, but with some more shooing from Suzie and Don, finally they all race across to stand on the white line, as Producer races across to the sidewalk on the other side.

SUZIE (Shooing them.)
Come on, come on, don’t just stand there.

She makes a break for it and is almost hit by a car.

After some more shooing by Don, the Bus Driver and passengers reluctantly race across to the sidewalk, with Don just behind them.

PRODUCER
Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

MAVIS SMERNIK (Between gasps.)
Oh my God, I’m dying.
(Clutching her heart & doubling up.)

GO TO WAVERY B&W SHOT.

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
And this is Mavis dying of a heart attack after running across the road.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Angry.)
Shut up, George!

RETURN to COLOUR SHOT.

PRODUCER
Well, if you’d all like to follow me again?

MAVIS SMERNIK
Oh God, how much further?

Producer leads them only a few more steps from the sidewalk to a small car park, where there is a home-projector set up on a tripod.

PRODUCER
All right, roll ‘em.

Don starts operating the projector, projecting the film straight onto a yellow brick wall behind the car park.

EXT. ATOP SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAIN — DAY
INITIALLY SHOT IN B&W.
A crew filming a fur-clad mountaineer.

NARRATOR V/O
In this rare archival footage we show the legendary Sir EDMUND HILLARY becoming the first man to set foot on the peak of Mount Everest.

HILLARY (Holding up a New Zealand flag.)
This is one small step by a man, one giant step for Man….

FOOTSTEPS behind him.

CHANGE TO COLOUR SHOT.

Behind Hillary a family of sherpas suddenly appears, dressed in fur coats and trousers, carrying a wicker basket and a blanket.

The MOTHER sherpa shakes out a large blanket then lays it on the snow.

DAUGHTER and SON sherpa both sit on the edge of the blanket.

The FATHER places the basket in the middle of the blanket, and MOTHER starts taking out plates of foil-covered food.

Hillary and film crew watch the sherpas in amazement
for a moment.

The sherpas all speak with exaggerated English accents.

DIRECTOR (Walking toward sherpas/Angrily.)
Do you mind, we’re trying to film here.

FATHER
Oh sorry, we didn’t see you.

MOTHER
How interesting, what are you filming?

DAUGHTER
Is it a documentary?

SON
For one of those wildlife shows?

DAUGHTER
Don’t be dumb!

MOTHER
Yes, what kind of wildlife could they film up here?

SON (Insistently.)
We still see the occasional Yeti!

FATHER
Get out of it, a Yeti!   They’re all but extinct now.

DIRECTOR (Angry.)
Look, do you mind.   We’re trying to film the great Edmund Hillary.
(Pointing to him.)

FATHER (Puzzled.)
Really, what’s so great about him?

SON
Yeah, what did he ever do?

DIRECTOR (Angry.)
He became the first man ever to scale Mount Everest.

FATHER (Puzzled.)
When did he do that?

DIRECTOR
Just now.   Just before you idiots appeared.

MOTHER
But the sherpas have been walking up Mount Everest for five thousand years.

DAUGHTER
That’s right.   And going for runs along the peak.

SON
And jogging across it.

MOTHER
And having picnics and barbecues.

FATHER
And holding the occasional Yeti-hunt.

HILLARY (Sceptical.)
Yeti-hunt!

FATHER (Apologetic.)
Yes, yes, I know what you’re saying.   Yetis are extinct now.

ROARING LIKE A BIG CAT O/S, RHS of SHOT.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S RHS, then a white, hairy, apelike creature races into SHOT from RHS.

Seeing the sherpas and film crew YETI looks startled. 

It ROARS TWICE, beating its chest like a gorilla, then races across the mountain peak and vanishes LHS of SHOT.

Sherpas and film crew stare after Yeti in amazement for a few seconds.

FATHER
Well, just about.

DIRECTOR (Frustrated.)
Look you idiots, would you mind moving out of our line of camera?

FATHER
Why don’t you move?

MOTHER
Yes, we’ve already laid out our picnic, it’d be easier for you to just point your cameras in another direction.

SON/DAUGHTER
Yeah!

DIRECTOR (Angry.)
Look, you bastards….

FOOTSTEPS O/S, LHS of SHOT.
After a few seconds a second sherpa family appear from LHS, carrying picnic baskets.

FATHER (Pointing to them.)
Hey look, it’s ANTHONY.

MOTHER
And MILLY.

They wave to the other family.

FATHER
Tony, Milly, come over and join us.

MOTHER
We can make a real family outing of it.

The second family wave and walk across toward them.

ANTHONY
Hello.

MILLY
What a lovely surprise.

FATHER
What’s wrong?   You look a little edgy.

Anthony and Milly exchange a worried look.

ANTHONY
You’re not going to believe us, but….

ANTHONY’S SON
We’ve just seen a Yeti.

ANTHONY’S DAUGHTER
It almost ran straight into us as we were jogging up the mount.

ANTHONY
Yes, yes, I know they’re supposed to be extinct now….

MILLY
It’s absolutely true, I assure you.   It just came bounding straight across the mountain and almost skittled us.

DIRECTOR (Shouting.)
Do, you mind!

They all look round and see the film crew.

ANTHONY (Puzzled.)
What’s going on here?

DIRECTOR
We’re filming on this mountain.

MILLY
Oh goodness, how exciting.

ANTHONY’S DAUGHTER
What are you filming?

DIRECTOR (Angry.)
We’re trying to film the great Edmund Hillary.
(Pointing to him.)

ANTHONY (Puzzled.)
Really, what’s so great about him?

ANTHONY’S SON
Yeah, what did he ever do?

DIRECTOR (Angry.)
He became the first man ever to scale Mount Everest.

MILLY (Puzzled.)
When did he do that?

DIRECTOR
Just now.

ANTHONY’S DAUGHTER (Puzzled.)
But the sherpas have been walking up Mount Everest for five thousand years.

MILLY
And going for runs along the peak.

DIRECTOR (Holding up his hands to silence them.)
All right, already, so he’s the first white man to reach the peak of Mount Everest.

ANTHONY
What’s so special about the first white man reaching the peak of Mount Everest?

MILLY
When at least five million sherpas have scaled this mount over the last few millennia?

ANTHONY’S SON (Angry.)
Are you suggesting that being white makes him better than us, or something?

ANTHONY’S DAUGHTER
Yes, are you some kind of racists or something?

Director starts CRYING from frustration.

The two sherpa families exchange puzzled looks, starting to look guilty.

MOTHER
Well, if it means that much to you I suppose we could always go picnic atop the Matterhorn.

DAUGHTER
Or the Eiger perhaps.

SON
Or Mount Kilimanjaro?

ANTHONY
Or Mount McKinley?

MILLY
Or Mount Blanc?

ANTHONY’S SON
That’s all the way over in France.

ANTHONY’S DAUGHTER
Yes, it’s a good two-day’s fast jog from here.

ANTHONY
Still it’ll do us the world of good.

As they are talking Mother and Milly hurriedly repack the plates of food into 1st sherpa family’s basket.

Father walks forward to pick up the laden basket as Mother picks up the blanket from the snow.   Mother gives the blanket a shake to remove the snow, then with Daughter’s help, neatly folds it.

FATHER
All ready to go?

ALL SHERPAS
Yes.

They turn and race down the mountain O/S, LHS of SHOT.

ANTHONY O/S
Last one to France is a Tory.

FRANTICALLY RUNNING FEET.

Director takes a hanky from a pocket, wipes his eyes, then BLOWS HIS NOSE noisily.

DIRECTOR (Putting away hanky.)
Good, at last we can film the damn thing.

EXT. ATOP SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAIN — DAY
SHOT IN flickery B&W.

Crew filming a fur-clad Edmund Hillary.

NARRATOR V/O
In this rare archival footage we show the legendary Sir Edmund Hillary becoming the first man to set foot on the peak of Mount Everest.

HILLARY (Holding up a New Zealand flag.)
This is one small step by a man, one giant step for Man….

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — AS BEFORE

RETURN to COLOUR SHOT.

Don is still projecting the film onto the yellow-brick wall of the car park for them.

PRODUCER
Damn, we meant to edit out the first five minutes of that film before commercially releasing it.

Hilda looks puzzled.

Producer takes the film from the projector.

As he starts to place the film into the canister he drops the film, which rolls through the car park, slowly unwinding as it goes.

It reaches the middle of the road as a car races by from LHS.

The car hits the roll of film, which flies through the air and vanishes out of SHOT to RHS.

BUS DRIVER
There goes your rare archival film.

PRODUCER
Damn, that’s the third time that’s happened this week.   We really are going to have to lash out on a viewing room and editing facilities.

Bus Driver looks astonished.

Producer, Don, Suzie and Hilda start looking through half a dozen rolls of film beside the projector.

PRODUCER
Ah, here, we go.   El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide To Nazi Spy Catching.
(Excited.)
Isn’t this exciting.

360 PAN ROUND passengers, who all look thoroughly bored.

PRODUCER
Too bad, because that’s what we’re seeing next.

INT. GENERAL’S OFFICE — DAY — ENGLAND, 19451

SUPER TITLE: AND NOW THE HISTORY OF WARFARE AS IT’S NEVER BEEN TOLD BEFORE.

SUPER TITLE: MAINLY BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED THIS WAY!

GENERAL is seated at the desk, with a COLONEL standing beside the desk.   They are both moustachioed men in their late forties or early fifties.

SUPER TITLE: IT TAKES A SPY TO CATCH A SPY!

GENERAL
This problem of Nazi spies infiltrating our ranks is getting a little out of hand, Colonel.

COLONEL
Yes indeed, sir.   Just the other day I had to have an entire brigade shot, because we suspected there was a spy in their ranks, but we couldn’t winkle him out.

GENERAL (Puzzled.)
Er, quite.   But the point is, what are we going to do about the problem of these damn spies?   We can’t keep having whole brigades of men shot on the off chance that one of them is a German spy…
(Half a beat.)
Even the British High Command isn’t that crazy.
(Glaring at Colonel.)
Most of us.

COLONEL
Er, quite…
(Half a beat.)
But not to worry, sir.   I’ve had an expert spy-catcher brought in all the way from Paris.

GENERAL (Impressed.)
All the way from Paris.

COLONEL
All the way across the English Channel.

GENERAL
Very good, what?

COLONEL
What?

GENERAL
Eh, what?

COLONEL
What?

KNOCKING at door.

GENERAL (Shouting.)
Come in.

COLONEL
What?

GENERAL (Shouting.)
Shut up!

The door opens and a man in an SS uniform goose-steps into the room.

COLONEL (Looking round.)
Ah, here he is now.

GENERAL
Splendid, splendid.
(Holding out right hand toward SS Officer.)
And you are?

SS Officer does a Nazi salute, then shakes hands with General.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
The German spy-catcher, mien Führer.

GENERAL
No, no, man, I meant your name and rank?

SS OFFICER
My apologies, mien Führer.
(Doing Nazi salute.)
Obersturmbannführer Wilhelm Von Smidt, mien Führer.

GENERAL
I beg your pardon?

SS Officer screws up his brow as he thinks quickly.

SS OFFICER (Altering to traditional salute.)
Er…
(Half a beat.)
Lieutenant Will…
(Half a beat.)
Um…
(Half a beat.)
Smith.
(Shouting.)
Mien Führer!

GENERAL
Ah, William Smith.   A fine old English name what?

COLONEL
What?

SS OFFICER
What?

GENERAL (Shouting.)
Don’t start that again!

COLONEL
No, sir.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Nein, mien Führer.

EXT. PARADE GROUND — DAY — SS OFFICER &
SERGEANT are inspecting troops when General walks up.

SERGEANT (Shouting.)
Commanding officer on parade.   Attention.
(Snapping to attention.)
All troops snap to attention.   Sergeant turns to salute General.

SERGEANT (Shouting.)
Salute!

All the troops do a Nazi salute.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Englander salute, schweinhunds!

They all change to traditional salute.

General walks across to SS Officer.

SS OFFICER
Mien apologies herr genneral, but they are such doomkuffs

GENERAL
Ah, Lieutenant Smith, we meet again.

SS OFFICER
Ja wohl, mien Führer!

GENERAL
How are you getting on with the spy catching, Smith?

SS OFFICER
Wunderbar, mien Führer.

GENERAL
Did you carefully check that there are no German spies in this troop?

SS OFFICER
Ja wohl, mien Führer.

GENERAL
And were there any?

SS OFFICER
Nein, mien Führer.

GENERAL
Thank goodness, that’s a weight off my mind.   Can’t be too careful about these things, you know.

SS OFFICER
Ja wohl, mien Führer.

GENERAL
Very well let’s see the troops present arms.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Present arms, schweinhunds!

All the troops present arms.

GENERAL
Now let’s see them stand at ease.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Stand at ease, schweinhunds!

The troops stand at ease.

GENERAL
Now snap them to attention again, Lieutenant Smith.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Actung, you schweinhunds!

They snap to attention.

GENERAL
Very good.   Now have the men march in close file behind me.

SS OFFICER (Doing Nazi salute.)
Ja wohl, mien Führer!
(Shouting.)
Marching close file behind the Führer on my order, schweinhunds.

The men line up close file behind SS Officer and Sergeant, who in turn are behind General.

GENERAL
Right, quick march now.

SS OFFICER
Ja wohl, mien Führer.
(Shouting.)
Quick march now, schweinhunds.

General starts marching normally.

A second later SS Officer, Sergeant and troops start goose-stepping behind General.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!

CLOSE ON General looking puzzled.

SS OFFICER O/S (Shouting.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!

REVERSE ANGLE — GENERAL’S P.O.V.
as General hurriedly turns round to look at troops.

Troops instantly switch from goose-stepping to normal marching.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Hup, two, three, four…
(Half a beat.)
Hup, two, three, four…
(Half a beat.)
Hup, hup, hup, two, three, four.

CLOSE ON General as he shrugs and turns round to face the front again.

GENERAL
I must have been imagining it.

PAN BACK to include troops, who are now goose-stepping again.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!

CLOSE ON General looking puzzled.

SS OFFICER O/S (Shouting.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!

General hurriedly turns round to look at troops.

REVERSE ANGLE — GENERAL’S P.O.V.
Troops instantly switch from goose-stepping to normal marching.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Hup, two, three, four…
(Half a beat.)
Hup, two, three, four…
(Half a beat.)
Hup, hup, hup, two, three, four.

General marches backwards for a while to watch troops, who continue to march normally.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Hup, two, three, four…
(Half a beat.)
Hup, two, three, four…
(Half a beat.)
Hup, hup, hup, two, three, four.

PAN BACK to include General, as he turns his back to troops again and Troops instantly start goose-stepping again.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!

CLOSE ON General looking puzzled.

SS OFFICER (Shouting.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!…
(Half a beat.)
Ein!   Zwei!   Drei!   Vier!

EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — AS BEFORE

Don is still projecting the film onto the yellow-brick wall of the car park for them.

PRODUCER
(Holding up another VCR tape.)
Now who wants to see El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide to the Private Hospital System?…
(Half a beat.)
Or, “Don’t Bother Getting Sick, Unless You Can Book Six Months In Advance”.

360 PAN ROUND the passengers all looking thoroughly bored.

PRODUCER
Tough luck, because that’s what we’re seeing next.

INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM — DAY

SUPER TITLE: BANANA BENDER.

360 PAN ROUND ROOM to show various posters advertising
lean beef, dental hygiene, various private health insurance agencies, and so on.

Finish at a poster advertising bananas.

PAN BACK to include a MOTHER and DAUGHTER sitting together reading the banana poster.

MOTHER (Staring at banana poster.)
You know when I was a girl, they used to say bananas were chock full of calories.

DAUGHTER
No way, mom.

MOTHER
It’s true.   They used to say, “Stay away from bananas, they’re chock full of calories”…
(Half a beat.)
Now they claim they’re good for you.

DAUGHTER
Obviously they’re learnt more about bananas since then.

MOTHER
Either that, or they’ve sold out to the multi-national banana-growing corporations.

DAUGHTER
Oh mom, don’t be so damn paranoid!

MOTHER
Mind you, they’ve changed their minds about so many things since then…
(Half a beat.)
Like butter, for instance.   They always used to say, “If you’ve got high blood pressure, bad liver, kidney trouble, and so on, stick to margarine…
(Half a beat.)
Nowadays they say badly made margarine is one of the main causes of hay fever.   So you’re better off sticking to butter…
(Half a beat.)
But then I suppose they’ve sold out to the multi-national dairy corporations.

DAUGHTER
Oh mom!

MOTHER
No, no, it’s true.   They used to say to give a miss to bananas and buttery.   Mind you, it wasn’t the missing eleventh commandment or anything.   They also used to tell you to avoid chocolate and candy because they cause acne, and hyper-activity in kids…
(Half a beat.)
Now they say that’s all baloney.   They even told you to avoid milk, because although it was full of goodness, it’s also chock full of calories.

DAUGHTER
Was there anything you were allowed to eat in your day?   It’s a wonder you didn’t all starve to death.

MOTHER
Well, they used to tell you to get stuck into as much meat as you could eat.   Now they act as though you’d be better off drinking concentrated poison, than eating red meat…
(Half a beat.)
Still I suppose the meat producers didn’t offer them as much as the multi-national fruit and vegetable producers.

DAUGHTER
Oh mom!

HILDA (Picking up a tape.)
Oh great, my favourite movie of all time!

Director takes the tape from Hilda and puts it into the viewer machine.

DIRECTOR
All right, I suppose we can watch part of it.

EXT. BUSY NEW YORK STREET — MIDDAY

SUPERIMPOSE:
 ”THE DAY THE EARTH MOVED UP AND DOWN IN THAT PECULIAR FASHION THAT HUMANS SEEM TO FIND SO PLEASING!”

A crowd of people is bustling by.

METALLIC WHIRRING coming from the air and the people look up.   There is a giant silvery flying saucer floating not far above the buildings.

The people SCREAM and start running every which way.

EXT. LARGE CITY PARK — MIDDAY
A crowd of people watching as a flying saucer slowly
lands.   After a few moments a hatch opens and a silver-clad alien and silver robot emerge.

The alien and robot walk to within ten metres of the military personal at the front of the crowd and start making exotic hand signals.

A GENERAL and LIEUTENANT exchange puzzled looks.

LIEUTENANT
Oh my God, what do you think all those hand-signals mean?

GENERAL
I’m not sure.   Do you think they could be Masons?

LIEUTENANT (Shouting.)
Oh my God, we’ve been invaded by Masons.

He turns and runs screaming back through the crowd.

GENERAL
Either that or they’re intergalactic traffic cops.

A MAJOR standing beside him, looks terrified.

MAJOR
Oh no!   We’ve been invaded by traffic cops!

He turns and runs shrieking back through the crowd.

GENERAL advances toward the alien and robot slowly.

GENERAL (Going down on his knees.)
We welcome you to our planet…
(Half a beat.)
You, our new masters.

ALIEN
Relax, dude, we’re not here to conquer this planet.

SILVER ROBOT
No, we’re just passing through.

GENERAL (Disappointed.)
But we want you to conquer us.

The alien and robot exchange a puzzled look.

ALIEN
Why in hell would you want to be conquered by another race?

GENERAL
In the hope that your superior technology will allow you to fix the mess that we’ve made of the world.

The alien and robot exchange a puzzled look.

SILVER ROBOT
If you want to fix your world, all you have to do is take a leaf out of Lee Harvey Oswald’s book.

ALIEN (Glaring at Silver Robot.)
Shut up!
(To General.)
No, look I’m sorry, but we really don’t want to conquer the Earth.

GENERAL
Oh please, go on.   We need your great guidance and wisdom, to help make this a safe planet for aliens to live on.

SILVER ROBOT
Look, wrack off you idiot, we’re not interested in conquering this damned planet.

ALIEN
We just stopped to refuel our jalopy before continuing on to Beta Centauri.

GENERAL (Shouting.)
You selfish bastards!   God how I hate you!

ALIEN
Look we’re not interested in conquering the Earth, and that’s final.

GENERAL
Then at least used your advanced technology to clean up the planet for us.

SILVER ROBOT
No, we’re already running late.
(Glancing at his wristwatch.)
Tourist season on Beta Centauri closes in a little over two thousand globnicks.

GENERAL (Shouting.)
You selfish, heartless bastards!   You won’t conquer the world for us, and now you won’t even used your advanced technologies to help us to clean it up.

ALIEN (Frustrated.)
Oh all right, so we’ll use our advanced technologies to clean up the planet for you…
(Half a beat.)
Then we really must be leaving for Beta Centauri.

GENERAL
Oh, good….
(Standing up.)
Oh and we’d appreciate it if you could have it cleaned up in a fortnight or less.

The alien and robot both look startled.

SILVER ROBOT
What!   But it took you bastards hundreds of years to screw it up.

ALIEN
So how do you expect us to fix it again in only 1793 globnicks?

GENERAL (Frustrated.)
Just use your advanced technologies for God’s sake.

The alien and robot exchange a puzzled look.

SILVER ROBOT
I told you we should have destroyed all life on this planet, then just helped ourselves to all the gasoline we needed…
(Half a beat.)
But oh no, you had to be Mr Goody-Goody and insist we treat the human inhabitants as equals and actually pay for the gas we needed.

ALIEN
All right, already, we all make mistakes.   There’s no need to keep harping on about it.

SILVER ROBOT
Now we’re going to miss squiglain season!

ALIEN
Shut up!

INT. AUNT BEA’S HOUSE (LIVING ROOM/NEAR FRONT
DOOR.) — EVENING — BRUNETTE & AUNT BEA (an elderly woman.) seated.

Suddenly Alien appears, in the doorway to the living room now dressed in business suit in front of them.

AUNT BEA
Who…?   Who are you?

ALIEN
Mr name is John….
(Considering a moment.)
Spaceman.   I’ve come about your room for rent.

AUNT BEA
Oh yes, of course.

She gets up and walks across toward him and follows him out through the door to the entrance area.

AUNT BEA
You’re not from around here, are you?

ALIEN
How did you know?

Aunt Bea starts to lead him toward a flight of stairs.

AUNT BEA
I can tell an outer space accent any day, or my name isn’t Aunt Bea.

They start up the stairs.

INT. KITCHEN TABLE — BREAKFAST — AUNT BEA
and half-a-dozen others are sitting down to breakfast as Alien walks in.

A man with glasses is reading a newspaper report of the flying saucer landing.

MAN WITH GLASSES
It says her the alien has escaped from jail and is on the rampage throughout Washington.

AUNT BEA
If he really is an alien.

MAN WITH GLASSES
What do you mean?

AUNT BEA
If there really was a flying saucer who’s to say it came from outer space.

BRUNETTE
Oh God, she’s off on her hollow Earth theory again.

AUNT BEA (Indignant.)
I am not.   I mean who’s to say it doesn’t come from somewhere right here on Earth…
(Half a beat.)
And I think we all know where I’m talking about.

MAN WITH GLASSES (Considering a moment.)
Yes of course…
(Half a beat.)
Mongolia!

AUNT BEA
Exactly, Mon….

She stops and stares at Man With Glasses.

AUNT BEA (Puzzled.)
Mongolia?

INT. INSIDE A YELLOW CAB — NIGHT — SILVER ALIEN
and Brunette in back of a taxi which is racing down a street where armed soldiers line both sides of the road.

BRUNETTE (Staring out at soldiers.)
Oh my God look at those soldiers…
(Half a beat.)
Boy are you ever in deep shit.

ALIEN
I’m more concerned about Gawd.

BRUNETTE
This is no time to get religious.

ALIEN
No, no, you bimbo.   I meant Gawd, my silver robot.

BRUNETTE
Oh.   You’re concerned that he might get lonely with you dead?

ALIEN (Frustrated.)
No, dingleberry, I’m concerned about what he might do in retaliation for my killing.

BRUNETTE
But Gawd is only a robot.   With you dead what can he do?

ALIEN
Only destroy the Earth…
(Half a beat.)
And all its surrounding colonies.   If I die you must go to Gawd and say to him, “Kluto Verodo Nictate”.

BRUNETTE
Kluto Nictate Verodo.

ALIEN
No, no, you bimbo, Kluto Verodo Nictate.

BRUNETTE
Right, I’ve got it now: Verodo Nictate Kluto.

ALIEN
No, no, you stupid twat.   Kluto Verodo Nictate!

BRUNETTE
Klorto Verodo Lactate.

ALIEN (Frustrated.)
No, no, “Nictate”, not “Lactate”.
(Straight at camera.)
Just my luck to travel 250 million miles across space only to get stuck with a bimbo.

BRUNETTE (Angry.)
How dare you!   I’ll have you know, I’m not as dumb as I look!…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, you see, that is, what I meant to say was, I’m not as dumb as I act…
(Half a beat.)
No, no, what I meant was, I’m not as dumb as I sound!

ALIEN
If we were going to the pictures or the beach, I might not mind…
(Half a beat.)
But something tells me this chick doesn’t have what it takes to save the world.

BRUNETTE
How dare you!   Next time you can have Pamela Anderson for all I care!

ALIEN (Straight at camera.)
Something tells me Pamela Anderson wouldn’t be much good for saving the world either…
(Half a beat.)
Although she does have a couple of good points going for her.
(To Brunette.)
God save me from bimbos.

BRUNETTE (Puzzled.)
You mean Gawd save you from bimbos?   Not God.   You just told me his name was Gawd.

ALIEN (Shouting.)
Look you stupid cow!

BRUNETTE
Relax, I’ve got it now.

ALIEN (Leaning away from her.)
Well, for God’s sake don’t give it to me.

BRUNETTE
It’s Kluto Verona Nictate.

ALIEN (Shouting.)
No!

BRUNETTE
Klinto Verodo Nictate?

ALIEN (Shouting.)
No!

BRUNETTE
Klito Veroda Nictate?

ALIEN (Shouting.)
No!

BRUNETTE
Kluto Veroda Nuygen?

ALIEN (Almost crying.)
No!

TAXI DRIVER pulls up taxi, opens sliding panel and looks into back seat.

TAXI DRIVER
No, no, lady, it’s Kluto Verodo Nictate.

ALIEN (Pointing at Taxi Driver.)
See, he can get it.   So why can’t you, you bimbo?

BRUNETTE (Indignant.)
Huh, how dare you!   Maybe you’d prefer to sit with him, while I drive the damn cab?

TAXI DRIVER
I’m game, if you are.

ALIEN (Frustrated.)
What the hell, let’s give it a try.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE TAXI — NIGHT
The front and back RHS doors open and Taxi Driver and Brunette get out.   Brunette glares at Taxi Driver as she strides past him to get into the front seat.

Taxi Driver walks across to get into the back seat.

INT. INSIDE YELLOW CAB — NIGHT
Brunette slams the front door, then turns key to start cab.

ALIEN (To Taxi Driver.)
Okay, so it’s Kluto Verodo Nictate.   Got it?

TAXI DRIVER
Sure, Kluto Verodo Nictate.

ALIEN
Thank God.

BRUNETTE (Looking back toward them.)
You mean thank Gawd.   You told me before the robot was named Gawd.

TAXI DRIVER/ALIEN (Shouting.)
Shut up!

BRUNETTE (Sulkily.)
You shut up!

Brunette plants her foot on the accelerator and the taxi races away.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE TAXI — NIGHT
As taxi takes off, skittling two soldiers.

It races past shooting soldiers, swerves over to the sidewalk, sending pedestrians scattering, and races off down the street.

INT. INSIDE YELLOW CAB — NIGHT

TAXI DRIVER/ALIEN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

BRUNETTE
Relax, I always drive like this, and I’ve never killed anyone yet…
(Half a beat.)
Well, apart from pedestrians…
(Half a beat.)
And other motorists…
(Half a beat.)
But never anyone actually in the car with me.

ALIEN (Shouting.)
Lemme outta here!   Lemme outta here!

TAXI DRIVER (Puzzled.)
What’s the matter, bud?   I thought you travelled 250 million miles through space to reach Earth?

ALIEN
Maybe so, but there’s nothing in outer space that comes close to being as dangerous as a woman driver.

Taxi Driver considers for a moment.

TAXI DRIVER
I guess not.   All you’ve got out there is meteor showers, rogue comets, super novas, black holes, exploding planets, giant, flaming meteorites…
(Half a beat.)
None of those come close to the terrors of a woman driver.

BRUNETTE (Unamused.)
Ha!   Ha!   Very funny!   I don’t think!

ALIEN
Right on both counts.

Brunette slams her foot on the brake.

BRUNETTE (Pointing at Taxi Driver.)
That dingleberry can drive it, if you’re both going to be sarky about my driving.

TAXI CRASHING INTO SOMETHING METALLIC.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE TAXI — NIGHT
The taxi is parked vertically up against a metal lamppost.

The front door opens, Brunette steps out, SCREAMS, and falls to the ground.

BRUNETTE
All right, whose dumb idea was it to have the cab parked up a lamppost?

INT. FILM SET — DAY — DIRECTOR & PRODUCER
standing beside camera.

PRODUCER
Mine.   I thought it would be funny.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE TAXI — NIGHT — AS BEFORE
Brunette lying on asphalt beside taxi.

BRUNETTE (Glaring at him.)
I hope this isn’t some kind of dumb woman-driver joke?   I’m getting pretty damn sick of all these dumb woman-driver jokes!

INT. FILM SET — DAY — AS BEFORE — DIRECTOR
and Producer trying to look inconspicuous.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE TAXI — NIGHT — AS BEFORE
Brunette lying on asphalt beside taxi.

Back door of taxi opens, Taxi Driver steps out, SCREAMS, and falls to the ground.

EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — AS BEFORE

PRODUCER
Okay, who wants to see El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide To “Guide to Space Exploration…
(Half a beat.)
for Beginners”.

360 PAN ROUND passengers, all of whom look thoroughly bored.

Don and Suzie are both waving an arm furiously in the air, trying to encourage the others to put up a hand.

BUS DRIVER (Looking at his watch.)
Oh my God, is it that late, we really must be going.

PRODUCER
It’s only two o’clock in the afternoon.

BUS DRIVER
Yes, but we have to go all the way.
(Considering a moment.)
Around the corner to the next street.

PRODUCER (Glaring at Bus Driver.)
Okay, roll ‘em, Don.

Hilda and Mavis both looked bored to tears.

PRODUCER (Pleading.)
Anyone at all?…
(Half a beat.)
Tough luck, because that’s what we’re seeing next.

EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA — DAY
DISTANT SHOT of a space shuttle, with ladders still attached to side.

SUPERIMPOSE:
 ”CRAPPY CORN ONE!”

CLOSE IN to show an astronaut in space suit climbing into the shuttle.

The shuttle door SLAMS shut.

NARRATOR
Countdown now starting at zero-minus two hours and counting.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY
Technicians seated at consuls watching large screen upon which space shuttle can be seen on the launch pad.

1ST TECHNICIAN
This is a great day for the US space program.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
A day which frankly I never thought would occur.   What with spending cuts, and bleeding-heart liberals calling for the space program to be cut, claiming the money could be better spent on feeding the hungry, or housing the homeless, or curing the sick….

The others all look to the sky as though they’ve all heard this speech before.

1ST TECHNICIAN
Bastards!

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
But nothing can stop us now.   Once that shuttle lands on Mars in three months time, glory will be ours gentleman.

FEMALE TECHNICIAN (Angry.)
Hey!   What about me?

Chief Technician turns to face the only female technician in the room.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Sorry.   And token lady.

FEMALE TECHNICIAN
That’s more like it!   At last the respect I deserve!

2ND TECHNICIAN enters the room, looking about nervously.

Seeing Chief Technician, he walks across toward him.

2ND TECHNICIAN
Er, sir, can I have a word with you, in private, sir?

They walk across to a corner of the room.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Yes, yes, what is it Smithers?

2ND TECHNICIAN
I’m afraid there’s been a slight bungle with the shuttle, sir.   They had to make room for some extra equipment….

CHIEF TECHNICIAN (Impatient.)
So?

2ND TECHNICIAN
So they took out the life-support system to make room for it.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN (Shouting.)
What?   But this is disastrous!
(Calmly.)
Have we got another shuttle on stand-by?

2ND TECHNICIAN
Yes sir, but it’ll take forty-eight hours to fit it out for a Mars flight.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Damn, I’ve got the President on my back to justify the continuation of the space program.   A forty-eight hour delay would give him all the ammunition he needs to slash our funding even further…
(Half a beat.)
There must be something we can do?

2ND TECHNICIAN
Well everything except life-support is working, so we could always send it to Mars without any astronauts and take pretty pictures with a robotic camera.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
No, that’s been done before.
(Looking inspiration-struck.)
But that does give me an idea.

EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA — DAY

DISTANT SHOT of a space shuttle, with ladders still attached to side.

CLOSE IN to show astronauts in space suits climbing back down the ladder to the launching pad.

At the base of the shuttle, the astronauts are greeted by Chief Technician and 2nd Technician, standing beside a stretch limo.

1ST ASTRONAUT
What’s up?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Just a slight change of plan.   Get in and we’ll explain on the way.

INT. LIMOUSINE — DAY
Astronauts and technicians in back of a stretch limo.

1ST ASTRONAUT (Astonished.)
What?   But that’s insane, it’ll never work!

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Don’t be so negative.   Being insane didn’t stop Galileo, or Columbus, and it won’t stop us…
(Half a beat.)
Er, um, that is, trust me gentlemen, the public will believe anything we tell them.

INT. OLD HANGER — DAY — LIMO
drives in and stops near an old DC-9.

Limo door opens.   Astronauts and technicians get out.

1ST ASTRONAUT (Staring at DC-9.)
And what is this supposed to be?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Trust me.   With the right lighting it’ll look just like a space shuttle in flight.

1st Astronaut and 2nd Astronaut both look doubtful.

2ND ASTRONAUT
Well, what’d you do with George?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
He’s perfectly safe.   We’ve taken him to Malibu Beach.

1ST ASTRONAUT
Malibu?   How come?

2ND ASTRONAUT
Is he starring in Babe-Watch?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN (Frustrated.)
We have to get someone to do the Mars walk shots.

1ST ASTRONAUT
How come he gets to do the Mars walk, while we get stuck in an old hanger with an ancient DC-9?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Because he’s black.

2ND ASTRONAUT (Puzzled.)
So?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
So, in there’s days of equal opportunity, where every person is treated exactly equally with everyone else…
(Half a beat.)
It goes down well with the corrupt power lobbies if the blacks get all the perks.

2ND ASTRONAUT (Inspiration-struck.)
Oh, I see.   Yes, of course.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY
Technicians seated at consuls watching large screen upon which space shuttle can be seen on the launch pad.

PRESIDENT and 1ST LADY are being shown about by Chief Technician and 2nd Technician.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN (Indicating main computers.)
And this is our main computer network.

PRESIDENT
Do you have Super Mario Brothers on it?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN (Puzzled.)
Er…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, as a matter of fact we do.

PRESIDENT (Clapping his hands together.)
Goody!

CLOSE ON Chief Technician looking astonished.

PAN ACROSS to main computer screen, where space shuttle can be seen.

EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA — DAY — SPACE SHUTTLE with ladders still attached to side.

NARRATOR
T-minus ten seconds and counting…
(Half a beat.)
T-Minus five seconds and counting…
(Half a beat.)
Five…
(Half a beat.)
Four…
(Half a beat.)
Three…
(Half a beat.)
Two…
(Half a beat.)
One…
(Half a beat.)
Ignition.   Now firing.

With ROARING OF EXHAUST, space shuttle takes off.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — AS BEFORE
CLOSE ON computer screen, where launch can be seen.

PAN BACK to include Chief Technician and the others.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
A successful launch.

PRESIDENT (Seated at PC terminal.)
Don’t bother me now, you idiot.   I’ve just started a new game.

CLOSE ON PC screen where he is playing Super Mario Brothers.

PAN BACK to include the others.

1ST LADY
Don’t worry.   After he’s finished this game, I’ll change his diaper, give him a bottle and tuck him to bed…
(Half a beat.)
Then after his nap, I’m sure he’ll be just thrilled to hear about the successful launch of the Mars shot.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Er, thank you madam 1st Lady.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY — SIX MONTHS LATER
Chief Technician and other technicians standing around watching screen as President and 1st Lady are shown in again.

PRESIDENT (Sulky.)
This had better be something good.   I could be colouring in my colouring books.

1ST LADY
You’ll have to excuse him, he missed his midday nap, and so he’s a bit of a grumpy bear today.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Er, yes, of course…
(Half a beat.)
We’ve just heard from the shuttle, that they’re about to do a space walk.

PRESIDENT
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!

Chief Technician looks astonished.

PAN ACROSS to main computer screen, where nose of old DC-9 can now be seen.

INT. OLD HANGER — DAY
Door in DC-9 opens.

2nd Astronaut, attached to overhead pulley by thick chain, steps out and pulley swings him a little away from it.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY — TECHNICIANS,
President and 1st Lady are watching large screen upon which 2nd Astronaut can be seen dangling against an obviously phoney black background in the hanger.

PRESIDENT (Puzzled.)
What are those chains doing around his shoulders?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN (Considering a moment.)
Er, just a new type of safety harness for space walks.

PRESIDENT
Oh I see.

INT. OLD HANGER — DAY — 2ND ASTRONAUT
attached to overhead pulley by thick chain is swinging in front of black background, with white and yellow stars painted on it.

2ND ASTRONAUT
This is one giant step….

Suddenly the chain snaps and he crashes back to the hanger floor.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY
Technicians, President and 1st Lady are watching large screen as chain breaks and 2nd Astronaut plummets down to the hard concrete.

2ND ASTRONAUT
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

PRESIDENT (Astonished.)
I thought no one could hear you scream in space?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN (Considering a moment.)
Er, yes, but that’s without the wonders of our new fibre-optics system.

PRESIDENT
Oh I see.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY — ONE MONTH LATER
Chief Technician and other technicians standing around watching screen as President and 1st Lady are shown in again.

PRESIDENT (Impatient.)
What is it this time?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
The shuttle has finally landed on Mars.   And GEORGE THOMAS is about to transmit pictures back of his first historic walk on Mars.

PRESIDENT
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
But sir you don’t understand, George Thomas is black.

PRESIDENT (Clapping his hands.)
Goody, goody, this will win me the nigger-vote at the next election!

Chief Technician looks astonished.

EXT. MALIBU BEACH — DAY — GEORGE THOMAS
dressed in astronaut garb walking along yellow sand.

GEORGE THOMAS
I’m walking along the beach…
(Half a beat.)
Er, the beaches of Mars that is.   As expected, Mars is a sandy planet.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY — AS BEFORE

PRESIDENT
I thought the sand on Mars was supposed to be red.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Er, no…
(Half a beat.)
Yellow.

2ND TECHNICIAN
That’s why it’s called the Yellow Planet.

CHIEF TECHNICIAN (A little too loudly.)
Exactly.

PRESIDENT
Oh yes, of course, silly me.

EXT. MALIBU BEACH — DAY — GEORGE THOMAS
dressed in astronaut garb walking along yellow sand.

GEORGE THOMAS
As expected, I have seen no sign of life.

Two bikini-clad women walk straight past him and stop a few feet away, looking away from him.

GEORGE THOMAS
Er, until now that is.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — AS BEFORE
Chief Technician looks very embarrassed, everyone else looks astonished.

PRESIDENT (Angry.)
What is the meaning of this, Mr Johnston?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Um, er…
(Half a beat.)
Oh my God, what a startling discovery, Mr President.   Within moments of setting foot on Mars, George Thomas has proven conclusively that there is life on Mars.

EXT. MALIBU BEACH — DAY — GEORGE THOMAS
dressed in astronaut garb staring goggle-eyed at two women.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY — AS BEFORE

2ND TECHNICIAN
Jesus and what life!

1ST TECHNICIAN
Get a load of the ass on that blonde…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is, that blonde Martian.

PRESIDENT
How dumb do you think I am!

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
And since he’s black, this will get you the nigger-vote for sure.

PRESIDENT (Smiling broadly.)
Goody, goody!

EXT. MALIBU BEACH — DAY — GEORGE THOMAS
still staring at two women.

The blonde yawns widely, then suddenly reaches back to remove her bikini top.

The two women slowly turn round to face him.

REVERSE ANGLE — WOMEN’S P.O.V.

Camera Crew and George Thomas are both staring at BLONDE.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY — AS BEFORE

1ST TECHNICIAN
What a set of tits!

EXT. MALIBU BEACH — DAY — BLONDE
screams, clutches her hands over her chest, spins round and races away down the beach.

After a moment, second woman runs after her.

INT. NASA SPACE CONTROL — DAY — AS BEFORE

PRESIDENT (Puzzled.)
What the hell happened?

CHIEF TECHNICIAN
Er, um.   They must have been scared away by some larger, meat-eating life form that must inhabit Mars.

PRESIDENT
Oh, I see.

1ST TECHNICIAN
Jesus, look at those two sweet asses wiggle as they run!

CLOSE ON Chief Technician looking astonished.

EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — AS BEFORE

PRODUCER
Okay, now who wants to see El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide to Ming Pottery?

360 PAN ROUND passengers, all of whom look thoroughly bored.

PRODUCER
To bad, because that’s what we’re gonna see next.

INT. TV STUDIO — EVENING

SUPERIMPOSE:
 ”THE SMART-ASSES!”

LONG SHOT of three or four smartly dressed men and women sitting at a long bench.

ZOOM IN SLOWLY for a few seconds.

FREEZE FRAME for a few seconds.

SUPERIMPOSE (flashing.):
 ”WARNING!”

SUPERIMPOSE (flashing.):
 ”DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS!”

SUPERIMPOSE (flashing.):
 ”THIS IS NOT THE ABC!”

ZOOM IN again for a few seconds.

FREEZE FRAME again.

SUPERIMPOSE (flashing.):

 ”IN OTHER WORDS DON’T TURN OVER!”

ZOOM IN until in CLOSE UP.

One of the men picks up a letter from a pile of mail and starts reading it aloud.

1ST MAN
BOB T. writes: “My grandmother recently died and left me this chinaware potty which has been in our family for nearly a hundred years.   I was wondering if it has any value?”

Putting down letter, 1st Man picks up a chinaware potty.

1ST MAN
Well, Mr T., I’m very pleased to be able to tell you, that your old granny’s potty is without a doubt the finest piece of authentic Ming Dynasty pottery that I have ever seen.
(The other panel members gasp in surprise.)
I conservatively estimate the value of granny’s pee receptacle at around $200,000.

1ST WOMAN
Oh my God, really?

1ST MAN (Glaring at her.)
Yes, but don’t interrupt.
(Straight at camera.)
Possibly even $250,000.

1ST WOMAN
Oh my word.   Here, let me have a look at it.

She reaches for the potty; however 1st Man pulls it away from her.

1ST MAN
Wait your turn.   I’m not finished with it.
(Straight at camera.)
In a sellers’ market, such as we have at the moment, you might even get close to $300,000.   Or at least $280,000.

1ST WOMAN
Well, let’s have a look at it.

She reaches for the potty; however 1st Man pulls it away from her again.

1ST MAN
Wait your turn, you selfish cow!

1ST WOMAN (Indignant.)
Well, look who’s bloody talking!   You always monopolise all the best ones, and leave us with the Marmite jars and gardening gloves.

3RD PANELLIST/4TH PANELLIST
Yeah, she’s right.

1st Woman reaches for the potty again.

1ST WOMAN
Now let the rest of us have a look at it.

3RD PANELLIST/4TH PANELLIST
Yeah!

1st Man pulls it away from her again.

1ST MAN
Get lost, you bitch!

1ST WOMAN
No fuckin’ way!
(She reaches across the bench to grab onto the potty.)
Now let me have it!

1ST MAN
I will in a minute, if you don’t let go of this potty!

He holds on fast to the other side of the rim and they wrestle across the bench for the potty.

1ST WOMAN
Let go!

She tugs furiously and almost pulls the potty out of his hands.

1ST MAN
Fuck off you old cow!

He pulls back violently, almost wresting it out of her grip.

1ST WOMAN
Not a chance, you motherfucker!

She tucks again, almost pulling the potty out of his hands.

1ST MAN
So what, every father in the world is a motherfucker.   Now let go you old cunt!

He pulls back violently, almost wresting it out of her grip again.

1ST WOMAN
You let go, you old eunuch!

1ST WOMAN
Don’t call me a eunuch, you old bitch!

They continue to wrestle violently over the potty until finally it goes flying out of both of their hands.

1ST WOMAN/1ST MAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

They both leap backwards to try to catch the potty, however, it hits the back wall of the set, shatters into hundreds of tiny pieces and falls to the floor.

They both stare down in horror at the shattered Ming Dynasty potty.

They both sit down in their chairs again, then leaning down, they lift up a corner of the rug and start using one foot each to sweep the pottery shards under the mat.

1st Woman and 1st Man exchange a guilty look.

1st Woman mouths “Your Fault”.

1st Man picks up the next letter from the stack.

1ST MAN
Er, well, um, Shirlie C. writes: “This Marmite Jar has been in our family since the 1920s, and I wondered if it was worth anything?”

He holds up an ancient-looking Marmite Jar.

1ST MAN
Well, Shirlie perhaps Hanna would like to assess this one…?

He hands the jar to 1st Woman, who tosses it back off his head so the jar shatters.

1ST MAN
I think I’ll take that as a “No” shall I.

INT. LIVING ROOM — DAY
Bob T. is sitting watching the Smart-Asses on TV.

BOB T. (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   My Ming Dynasty potty!   My Ming Dynasty potty!

He leaps to his feet.

BOB T. (Shouting.)
I’ll kill him!   I’ll kill him!

He turns and races toward the corridor door.

INT. TV STUDIO — EVENING — AS BEFORE
Four smartly dressed men and women sitting at a long bench.

1st Man is now reading the last letter in the pile.

1ST MAN
I’m sorry to have to tell you Mr W. that your garden gnome is only worth $5.   $10 at best.

BOB T. O/S (Shouting.)
My Ming Dynasty potty!   My Ming Dynasty potty!   I’ll kill him!   I’ll kill him!

Bob T. races into SHOT and runs across toward the long bench.

BOB T. (Shouting.)
My Ming Dynasty potty!   My Ming Dynasty potty!   I’ll kill him!   I’ll kill him!

He grabs 1st Man by the neck and starts throttling him.

BOB T. (Shouting.)
My Ming Dynasty potty!   My Ming Dynasty potty!   I’ll kill him!   I’ll kill him!

3rd Panellist and 4th Panellist race across and tackle Bob T. and manage to pull him off 1st Man with great difficulty.

BOB T. (Shouting.)
My Ming Dynasty potty!   My Ming Dynasty potty!   I’ll kill him!   I’ll kill him!

He struggles against 3rd Panellist and 4th Panellist, but is unable to break free of their grip.

Finally he stops struggling and starts sobbing.

BOB T. (Between sobs.)
My Ming Dynasty potty!   My Ming Dynasty potty!   I’ll kill him!   I’ll kill him!

INT. TV STUDIO — EVENING — TEN MINUTES LATER
Bob T. is handcuffed and is being led away by two constables.

Police Lieutenant walks behind them with 1st Woman and 1st Man.

BOB T. (Between sobs.)
My Ming Dynasty potty!   My Ming Dynasty potty!   I’ll kill him!   I’ll kill him!

LIEUTENANT (Puzzled.)
That’s all he keeps saying.   He seems to have an obsession with potties.

1ST MAN
Yes, it’s a very sad story.

LIEUTENANT
Oh?

1ST MAN
Yes, the poor guy was born in London during the blitz.   And all his life he’s been terrified of Jerries.

Lieutenant looks puzzled considering this.

EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — AS BEFORE

PRODUCER
Okay, now who wants to see El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide to Analysing Psychos…
(Half a beat.)
Er, um, that is psychoanalysis.

BUS DRIVER
Well lemme put it like this.
(Shouting.)
Everybody back into the coach, quickly!

Bus Driver, Hilda and the others turn and try to flee back to the coach.

But standing behind them are Suzie and Don.   Suzie is holding a long whip.   Don is holding a chair in one hand and a revolver in the other.

SUZIE (Cracking whip.)
Back I say, back there all of you!

HILDA (Leaping forward.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Hilda reaches back with one hand and starts rubbing her behind as she races back to watch the video.

The others follow her back to watch the video.

EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — DON
is projecting film onto the yellow-brick wall of the car park.

The others stand around looking thoroughly bored.

PSYCHO-ANALYST GROUP MEETING ROOM

SUPERIMPOSE (flashing in red.):
 ”EL CHEAPO CRAPPO’S GUIDE TO ANALYSING PSYCHOS.”

SUPERIMPOSE (flashing in red.):
 ”ER, UM, THAT IS PSYCHO ANALYSIS.”

A middle-aged woman, JUNE, the psychoanalyst is sitting at a chair with the door behind her.   Around her sit twenty or thirty people of all ages and colours.

She is currently speaking to a young, fat white woman, LETTI, a compulsive eater.

JUNE
All right, Letti, what is your problem.

Letti hesitates for a few moments, obviously embarrassed to speak of it.   Finally, with a sigh, she starts to speak.

LETTI
My big problem is cream cakes.   I just can’t eat enough of them.   On a bad day I might well eat twelve or fifteen of them.

JUNE
I see.
(Considering for a moment.)
Well, compulsive eating is always a tricking matter to tackle.   My advice is don’t try to go cold turkey.   Try to gradually wean yourself off cream cakes.
(Half a beat.)
Initially set yourself a limit of ten or eleven a day.   Then after two or three months cut your limit to eight or nine cream cakes a day.
(Half a beat.)
Then a few months later cut it again to five or six a day.   Then a few months later cut it to three or four cream cakes a day.
(Half a beat.)
Then to one or two a day.   And within a year you can have cut out cream cakes altogether.   That way you won’t have major stress over cutting them out.
(Half a beat.)
And there should be less chance of you relapsing.

LETTI (Looking pleased.)
Thank you.

JUNE (Looking around the room.)
Right, now who’s next.

A dozen people stick up their hands.   Including a youngish black man.

JUNE (Pointing at black man.)
All right, Tiger, what is your problem?

TIGER (Black man.)
My problem, June, is women.   I just can’t have enough of them.
(Half a beat.)
At the moment I’m up to seventeen or eighteen women a day.

JUNE
I see.
(Considering for a moment.)
Well, my advice, Tiger, is basically the same that I gave to Letti.   Whatever you do, don’t try to go cold turkey with women..   Try to gradually wean yourself off them.
(Half a beat.)
Initially set yourself a limit of thirteen or fourteen women a day.   Then after two or three months cut your limit to ten or twelve women a day.
(Half a beat.)
Then a few months later cut it again to eight or nine women a day.   Then a few months later cut it to five or six women a day.
(Half a beat.)
Then to three or four women a day.   Then within a year you can have cut back to just one or two different women a day.   That way you won’t have major stress over cutting back on women.
(Half a beat.)
And there should be less chance of you relapsing.

TIGER (Smiling.)
Thank you.
(Half a beat.)
By the way what are you doing tonight after this session.

JUNE (Glaring at him.)
Going straight home to bed.

TIGER (Smiling.)
Sounds good to me.   By the way if Letti wants something else to swallow besides cream cakes, I’ve got some fine black sausage for her.

He clutches his crotch obscenely, making Letti blush.

LETTI (Embarrassed.)
How dare you!

JUNE (Sighing.)
Something tells me this guy isn’t going to find it easy to cut back on women.
(Looking around the gathering.)
Right who’s next.

A dozen people stick up their hands.   Including a youngish Asian woman.

JUNE (Pointing to Asian woman.)
Right, Soo-Li, what’s your problem?

EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — DON
is projecting film onto the yellow-brick wall of the car park.

PRODUCER
Wasn’t that thrilling everybody.

360 PAN ROUND passengers, all of whom look thoroughly bored.

Suzie and Don are both clapping heartily; grinning cheesily.

PRODUCER
Here’s a little sci-fi soapy crossover that we made in conjunction with Jean Rottenberries.   Jean wanted to call it Dipstick 9.   But I managed to convince her to change the title to:

INT. SPACEPORT INTERIOR — LIGHTED

SUPERIMPOSE (flashing in red.):
 ”MELROSE PLACE IN OUTER SPACE!”

A tall, thin brown-haired woman is standing by the cross-junction on a metal walkway, watching people walk by.

Tall, black-haired woman with alien-markings on her temples walks up to her.

KERRY
Hi, NODAX, how’s it going?

NODAX
Fine, just fine.   How are things with you and Justin?

KERRY
Fine, just fine.   I’m thinking of letting him shag me soon.

NODAX (Shocked.)
You mean you haven’t let him yet.

KERRY
No, not yet.

NODAX (Shocked.)
I thought he would’ve had you through every hole by now?

KERRY
No, I believe in keeping my men dangling on a string.

NODAX
Well my old mother used to say “the family that lays together, stays together”.

KERRY
Yes, but wasn’t she a certified nympho.

NODAX (Considering a moment.)
Oh yeah, that’s right.   But my old granny used to say, “To keep a man a woman should remember the three H’s”.

KERRY (Puzzled.)
Three H’s?

NODAX
Happy, horny, and hers!

INT. FILM SET — DAY
DIRECTOR & PRODUCER standing together.   Both are men
in their fifties or early sixties.   Beside them is a CAMERAMAN in his early thirties.

DIRECTOR (Shouting.)
Cut!

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE

KERRY
What’s wrong now?

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE

DIRECTOR (Puzzled.)
I’m not quite sure … But somehow it’s a bit flat.   It just isn’t working for me.
(To Producer.)
What’re you think?

PRODUCER
You’re right, something is definitely missing.

CAMERAMAN
The sex and nudity.

PRODUCER/DIRECTOR
Yes, of course.

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE

NODAX
Well, maybe I could snag my shirt on something an accidentally on purpose rip it off while walking along the walkway.

KERRY
Yeah, a flash of tit can only help the ratings.

INT. FILM SET — DAY

PRODUCER
What’re you think, Harv?

DIRECTOR (Considering a moment.)
Not enough in my opinion.

CAMERAMAN
Yeah, I’d like to see some fanny as well.

PRODUCER/DIRECTOR
Shut up!

DIRECTOR (Considering a moment.)
Although maybe he’s got something…
(Half a beat.)
Maybe they could walk toward each other and sort of both snag their clothing on something, ripping it all off so they’re stark naked.

INT. WALKWAY — LIGHTED

NODAX
But wouldn’t they notice and run off squealing in alarm?

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE

DIRECTOR
No, we’ll right in a bit where they’re both shortsighted so neither of them notices.

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE
Both women consider this for a moment.

KERRY/NODAX
Yeah, I could believe that.

INT. FILM SET — DAY

CAMERAMAN
But what about the set element?

PRODUCER
Damn, he’s right, there’s still no sex element.

DIRECTOR (Considering a moment.)
Well how about if they both accidentally tear their cloths off, stand their naked talking for ten minutes.
(Half a beat.)
Then when they finally notice they’re both naked, it turns out they’re both dykes, so they jump each other and end up going head-to-tail right their on the walkway?

Producer & Cameraman both consider for a moment.

PRODUCER/CAMERAMAN
Yes, that works for me.

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE
Both women glare in anger at the suggestion.

KERRY/NODAX
Hey!   No bloody way!

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE

DIRECTOR (Pleadingly.)
Come on girls, be good sports.

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE
Both women glare in anger at the suggestion.

KERRY/NODAX
No way!   Get lost!

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE

DIRECTOR
Well we’ve gotta liven it up somehow?

CAMERAMAN
What about the catfight?

PRODUCER (Puzzled.)
What catfight?   There’s no catfight in this episode.

CAMERAMAN
Exactly.   That’s just what’s missing.   In every slop-op since Dull-ass & Dumb-asty, whenever things were starting to slacken off a bit they’d get some dosey bitch to try and gouge another bitch’s eyes out.

DIRECTOR (Inspiration-struck.)
Hey, you know he’s right.   Joan Collins.   Heather Locklear, Kimberly Davis, all slop-op bitches were world-champion eye-gougers.

PRODUCER (Snapping her fingers.)
That’s right…
(Half a beat.)
Okay girls, here’s how you do it.   Start exactly as before but this time when she says, “Hi, Nodax, how’s it going?” you leap on her and try to gouge her eyes out.

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE

NODAX (Puzzled.)
But I just can’t see that.   What’s my motivation?

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE

PRODUCER
Motivation, motivation!   This is a goddamn slop-opera, not the Stanislovski school of acting.

DIRECTOR
Since when has anything that ever happens in slop-ops gotta make any sense?

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE
Both women consider this for a moment.

KERRY/NODAX
Oh yeah!

NODAX
But what about the nudity element?

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE

PRODUCER (Puzzled.)
Oh yeah.
(Considering a moment.)
I know, before you eye-gouge her, rip her shirt off.

CAMERAMAN
Then rip your own shirt off too.

DIRECTOR (Snapping her fingers.)
Good thinking.

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE

NODAX (Puzzled.)
But I just can’t see that.   What’s my motivation?

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE

PRODUCER
Motivation, motivation!   Oy vay, all right already.   So here’s your motivation…
(Both women are watching him intently.)
If you don’t do it, I’ll fire you from the production and put you both on the secret, illegal hit list, so you’ll never work in Hollywood again.
(Half a beat.)
Now how’s that for motivation…

INT. WALKWAY — AS BEFORE
Both women consider this for a moment.

KERRY/NODAX (Shouting.)
Now that’s what I call motivation!

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE

A CLICK-BOARD.

DIRECTOR (To Cameraman.)
Take two, roll ‘em.

INT. SPACEPORT INTERIOR — LIGHTED
Kerry is standing by the cross-junction on a metal walkway, watching people walk by.

Nodax walks up to her.

KERRY
Hi, Nodax, how’s it going?

NODAX (Shouting.)
You bitch!

She reaches out, grabs Kerry’s shirt and rips it off, then tears of her own shirt, so they are both topless.

Then she up leaps onto Kerry, locking her hips around Kerry’s waist and both women crash to the walkway.

Nodax slams her thumbs against Kerry‘s eyes and tries to gouge them out.

INT. FILM SET — AS BEFORE
Cameraman, Producer, & Director all looking pleased.

PRODUCER
Now, we’ve really got something.

DIRECTOR
Artistic integrity at least.

CAMERAMAN
Not to mention getting to see two sets of bare tits.

PRODUCER/DIRECTOR
Shut up!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE:

FADE IN:

EXT. CAR PARK — DAY — DON
is projecting film onto the yellow-brick wall of the car park.

PRODUCER
Wasn’t that thrilling everybody.

360 PAN ROUND passengers, all of whom look thoroughly bored.

Suzie and Don are both clapping heartily; grinning cheesily.

SUZIE
Now what could be better than watching the latest, thrilling El Cheapo Crappo’s Production?

THUNDER then it starts to pour rain, drenching them all in seconds.

HILDA
Watching it in the pouring rain?

Producer turns and glares at her.

PRODUCER
If you’d all like to follow me, we can return to El Cheapo Crappo’s luxurious studio to get dry.

Turning, he races out into the middle of the road, ignoring BLARING HORNS and somehow gets across safely to the other side.

360 PAN ROUND passengers, who shrug, then run after him.

They reach the centre line in safety, then Mavis slips in the rain.

SHOT IN GRAINY B/W.

Mavis slides across the remainder of the road on her backside.

MAVIS SMERNIK
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

GEORGE SMERNIK V/O
This is Mavis sliding along on her ass in the rain.

MAVIS SMERNIK
Shut up, George.   And come and help me up.

RETURN to COLOUR SHOT.
The others race across to the kerb.

Hilda, and Bus Driver try to drag Mavis back to her feet.

HILDA
Oh God, my poor back.   Has anyone got a pulley in their pocket?

MAVIS SMERNIK (Angry.)
Shut up and help me up.

HILDA (Straight at camera.)
The temptation to do a few whale-on-the-beach jokes is almost overwhelming.

BUS DRIVER
Well, give us a hand everybody.

Reluctantly, the others run across to help and they manage to pull Mavis back to her feet.

HILDA (Rubbing her back.)
Oh God, I’m sure I slipped at least three discs then.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Angry.)
Shut up, I’m not that fat!…
(Half a beat.)
I’m on a diet I’ll have you know.

GEORGE SMERNIK
Yeah, she’s down to her last five chins now.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Angry.)
Shut up, George.

HILDA
What is it, an ice-cream diet?

GEORGE SMERNIK
No, a seafood diet.   Whenever she sees food, she eats it.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Angry.)
Shut up, George.

Bus Driver turns and races toward the warehouse door, where Producer is standing, beckoning to them.

HILDA
Come on, let’s get in out of this rain.

They set off for the door, with Hilda and George helping to steady Mavis.

They all race in through the doorway, except Mavis, who gets stuck.

GEORGE SMERNIK
Now here comes the tricky part.   Has anyone got a crowbar in their back pocket?

HILDA
And a pound of lard to grease her up?

GEORGE SMERNIK
Forget it, she’s already got enough lard, just get the crowbar.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Angry.)
Shut up, George.

With a lot of tugging, heaving, shoving and cursing they finally pull Mavis into the warehouse.

INT. DINGY WAREHOUSE — DAY
Producer slams the door shut.

PRODUCER
Now we can all get dry.

As he is speaking, he picks up a broken metal coat hanger and uses it to tie around the doorknob then around a knob on the wall, to “lock” the door.

Suzie walks over and picks up the cord to a single-bar radiator.

There is no plug on the cord, so she sticks the wires directly into the power socket, then clicks the switch on.

INT. DINGY WAREHOUSE — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
They are now all drying themselves on hand towels, furniture covers, and even cardboard boxes.

PRODUCER
Okay, now that we’re all dry again, who wants to see El Cheapo Crappo’s Guide To    

360 PAN ROUND passengers, who all look thoroughly bored, and are shaking their heads “No”.

PRODUCER
Well, that’s a pity, because that’s what we’re showing.   And since it’s pouring rain outside, you’re stuck here.

HILDA (Angry.)
Bastard!

INT. DINGY WAREHOUSE — DAY

PRODUCER
Okay, now who wants to see…?

He stops when he sees that only he, Don, and Suzie are in the warehouse.

PRODUCER
What the hell happened to everybody?

Don and Suzie look about the warehouse.

SUZIE (Shouting.)
There they go!   They’re heading back to the coach!

She points toward the warehouse door.

EXT. OUTSIDE WAREHOUSE — DAY
SHOT through warehouse door.

Door is wide open, and it has now stopped raining.

Bus Driver and the others are sneaking back to the coach.

BUS DRIVER (Shouting.)
Run for it, they’ve seen us!

PRODUCER
Quick, stop them before they get away.

CLOSE ON THE DOORWAY as Producer races out, closely followed by Suzie, then Don.

Bus Driver almost throws Mavis up the stairs into the coach, leaps in after her, and then leans over to click the door switch.

PRODUCER
Come back, dammit!

As the coach starts up, Producer races out into the middle of the road and stands in front of it, holding up his hands to get Bus Driver’s attention.

LOUD THUD from the front of the coach.

Don and Suzie race into the road and race along behind the now accelerating coach.

After a few seconds Producer appears feet-first from under the back of the coach, lying face up.

Don and Suzie put on an extra burst of speed and leap up onto the bumper bar.

Producer reaches up and grabs the bumper bar so that the coach is pulling him along the road behind it.

SUZIE (Reaching toward handle on back window.)
Give me a hand, Don, this is the emergency exit.

Don and Suzie grab the handle of the back window and start tugging on it with all their strength.

After a few moments the window pulls out of its socket.

Suzie lets go and Don and the window both fall away from the coach.

DON
Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Don falls to the road and rolls over half a dozen times before crashing into the gutter and stopping.

SUZIE
Whoops.

The fallen coach window crashes into the front of a small car and shatters.

The small car swerves wildly and veers into the path of an oncoming semi-trailer, which flattens the car and keeps going.

SUZIE
Double whoops.

PRODUCER
Give me a hand, Suzie.

Holding onto the window frame with one hand, she reaches down and grabs one of his hands with her other hand.

With a lot of struggling around, Producer manages to pull himself up onto the bumper bar with Suzie’s help.

INT. INSIDE THE COACH — DAY
passengers are staring in amazement at where the emergency exit has been torn away.

After a few seconds, battered and bleeding a little, Producer climbs in through the back window.

Then he reaches back and assists Suzie to climb in.

BUS DRIVER/ALL PASSENGERS
Oh God, no!

PRODUCER
Hi gang, where ya going?

SUZIE (Holding up small projector.)
We brought along some more films to show you.

HILDA
But you’ve got no screen to show it on.

SUZIE
Damn she’s right.   Don was carrying the beach towel that we use as a portable screen.

Producer and Suzie look about for somewhere to show it.

PRODUCER (Looking at roof.)
What about the roof of the coach?

SUZIE
Ah ha, you’re a genius.

She lies on her back in the aisle, aims the projector up at the roof, and starts projecting the next film.

PRODUCER
Come on everyone lean right back in your seats so you can see it.

MAVIS SMERNIK
Jesus, I knew they’ve give me a pain in the neck eventually.

HILDA
What’re you mean “eventually”?

Producer glares at Hilda for a moment.

360 PAN ROUND passengers, who all look thoroughly bored.

PRODUCER
Okay, well lastly, and by all means leastly, we have…

EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA — NIGHT
External shot of what is obviously a large white, plastic model

INT./EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA RECREATION ROOM — LIT

SUPERIMPOSE (Flashing in red.):
 ”SPACED OUT IN 1999.”

SUPERIMPOSE (Flashing in red.):
 ”Flash forward thirty years.”

Eleanor and Jon Coney standing in community leisure room, looking out window toward star-lit sky.

JON CONEY is a man approx. 70, tall, lean with grey hair, the commander of Moonbase Alpha-Beta.   He is highly intelligent, but a bit of a lecher and keen to jump Eleanor.

ELEANOR RUSSETT is a gorgeous silver-blonde, late 50s.   She is the chief medical officer.   Attracted to Jon Coney, but a little bit prim and proper at times.

Behind them stand Adam, Vinnie, Sandy, Ginger, Bekkie, Gloria, Ginger.

VINNIE is a man in his late 70s, bald with a sophisticated accent, the chief science officer aboard Moonbase Alpha-Beta

SANDY is a still beautiful Asian woman in her 60s

ADAM: the chief pilot of the Hawk space shuttles.   A tall, lean blond man in his 60s with a slight Australian accent

BEKKIE: a minor character black woman in her 50s.

GINGER: a minor character is a redhead in her 50s.

GLORIA: a minor character is a blonde in her 50s.

JON CONEY (Pointing toward star-lit sky.)
Somewhere out there in the vast wastes of space is a new home for us.   One day…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t know when.   We’ll find our new home.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
Oh for Christ’s sake, Jon, you’ve been saying that for the last thirty years!   Can’t you get it through your thick skull that we’re never gonna get off this Godforsaken moon.   We’re stuck here on this desolate rock floating in space till the day we die!

Turning, she storms toward the door, which opens with a WHOOSH.

INT./EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA RECREATION ROOM – LIT, Looking out into corridor as Eleanor steps out.

JON CONEY
Jesus, what’s her problem.

VINNIE
If you ask me the endless, lonely decades floating through space on this soulless moonbase have got to her.
(Half a beat.)
Either that or she’s having a heavy period.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Turning back toward them.)
Get stuffed you bastards!

VINNIE
Definitely, a heavy period.

SANDY
No doubt about it.

ADAM
Definitely, a heavy period.

JON CONEY/BEKKIE/GLORIA/GINGER
No doubt about it.   Definitely, a heavy period.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Glaring toward them.)
I said, get stuffed you bastards!

Turning again, she walks out into the corridor and storms away.

VINNIE/SANDRA/ADAM/JON CONEY/BEKKIE/GLORIA/GINGER
No doubt about it.   Definitely, a heavy period.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Shouting.) O/S
Get stuffed!

SANDY
Either that or post menopausal depression.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Shouting.) O/S
Get stuffed!

VINNIE/SANDRA/ADAM/JON CONEY/BEKKIE/GLORIA/GINGER
No doubt about it.   Definitely post menopausal depression.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Shouting.) O/S
Get stuffed!

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, COMMUNICATIONS ROOM — LIT

SUPERIMPOSE (Flashing in red.):
 ”Thirty years earlier.”

SUPERIMPOSE (Flashing in red.):
 ”The Alpha-Beta Boy!”

JON CONEY is a man now 40.

ELEANOR RUSSETT is a gorgeous silver-blonde, early to mid thirties.

Behind them stand Adam, Vinnie, Sandy, Ginger, Bekkie, Gloria, Ginger.

VINNIE is a man in his late 40s

SANDY is a beautiful Asian woman in charge of communications

ADAM: Is now in his 30s with a slight Australian accent

BEKKIE: a minor character is a beautiful black woman.

GINGER: a minor character is a beautiful redhead.

GLORIA: a minor character is a beautiful blonde woman.

(INTERCUT INTERCOM SEQUENCE.)

Jon Coney in communications room talking to Eleanor, who is delivering a baby.

JON CONEY
How’s it coming.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
Wonderful, it’s just coming now.

Behind her a woman is lying on her back with her feet in stirrups, with a sheet covering her lower regions.

After a few moments she holds up a naked baby boy.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
It’s a boy!

JON CONEY
Duh, talk about stating the obvious.

Ignoring him, she hands the baby to black doctor assisting him.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
Weigh him please, Conrad.

CONRAD takes baby, wraps him carefully in white paper and places him on a butcher’s scales.

CONRAD
Fifteen Euro-Dollars per kilo.

ELEANOR/JON CONEY
What?

CONRAD
Sorry, I meant five kilos even.

ELEANOR RUSSETT reaches out to take baby from Conrad.

Conrad holds up a small sign, which says, “Please do not risk offence by asking for credit.”

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry.)
Just give me the damn baby.

CONRAD
Not until you pay me the eighty euros.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry.)
All right, just put him in the damned incubator.
(Pointing to a plastic crib on a table behind her.)

Conrad carries the baby across to the incubator.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry.)
And for Christ’s sake take the butcher’s paper off him, before he smothers to death.

CONRAD
Nag!   Nag!   Nag!
 
ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry.)
What?

CONRAD (Innocent.)
Nothing.

He unwraps the baby & places baby in the incubator.

Screwing up the butcher’s paper he throws it across the room, just missing Eleanor, who looks startled, but does not look back at him.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (To Jon.)
Mother and baby are both doing fine.   And she’s given birth to a healthy five-kilo boy.

MOTHER screams behind her.

Eleanor spins around to look at screaming Mother, who is staring at incubator.

Eleanor looks at incubator where a black-haired boy of five or six is now sitting fully dressed.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (To Jon.)
Correction.   Make that, she’s given birth to a healthy five-year-old boy.

JON CONEY
Wow, that must have hurt!

SANDY
I bet it shattered her pelvis.

ADAM
And you don’t want to shout up her skirt…
(Half a beat.)
The echo would come back like shouting into the Grand Canyon.

GINGER
That’s probably what they call her poor poontang now!

They all turn to stare at her in amazement.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Frustrated.)
No you gaggle of great hairy dingleberries…
(Half a beat.)
I meant she gave birth to a five-kilo baby boy…
(Half a beat.)
And a few minutes later it had metamorphosed into a five-year-old boy.

JON CONEY/ADAM/VINNIE/SANDY/GINGER/BEKKIE/GLORIA
Oh, I see.

VINNIE
Well that makes more sense…
(Half a beat/Puzzled.)
Wait a minute, no it doesn’t!

MOVING SHOT as Jon Coney, Vinnie, and Adam race across to door.

WHOOSH as door opens and Jon Coney, Vinnie, and Adam all race out.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CUMMUNICATIONS ROOM – LIT
Door open as Jon Coney, Vinnie, and Adam race out.

They race down the corridor to a door near the opposite end.

WHOOSH as door opens and Jon Coney, Vinnie, and Adam all race in.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – LIT
Door open as Jon Coney, Vinnie, and Adam race out.

Mother still screaming, now pointing at 5-year-old boy in incubator.

Conrad and Eleanor standing near incubator as Jon Coney, Vinnie, and Adam all race into Medical Bay and stand near the incubator staring at boy in plastic incubator.

Behind them Mother keeps screaming.

JON CONEY
For God’s sake, can someone shut that screaming woman up.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Holding a hypodermic.)
Don’t worry, Jon, I’ll take care of her.

Eleanor walks across to mother.

She puts hypodermic on metal table beside woman’s bed, then punches mother in the face.

MOTHER (Shocked.)
Glurk!

She collapses silent on her bed.

JON CONEY
Thank God for that.   Good work, Eleanor.

CONRAD
Now that’s what I call a bedside manner.

JON CONEY/VINNIE/ADAM/ELEANOR/BOY (aka TURK.)
Shut up!

CONRAD
Well, excuse me for living.

Eleanor picks up hypodermic and holds it up threateningly.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
I can always fix that for you

CONRAD
Er, um, as I was saying, excuse me, Doctor.

Eleanor puts down hypodermic again.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
That’s more like it.

She walks back over to the incubator.

JON CONEY
So what have you decided to call him?

ELEANOR RUSSETT
A bastard if he keeps cheeking me!

JON CONEY
No, what have you decided to call the boy, Eleanor?

ADAM (Amazed.)
You can’t call him that, it’s a girl’s name!

JON CONEY (Looking to the ceiling.)
Oy vay, idiots yet!
(Looking back at the others.)
I meant, Eleanor, what have you decided to call the boy?

ELEANOR RUSSETT
We’ve named him Turk.

JON CONEY (Puzzled.)
Why Turk?

 CONRAD
It’s short for turkey.   We thought, worst-case scenario, we could always eat him for Christmas dinner.

JON CONEY (Looking to the ceiling.)
Oy vay, idiots yet!
(Looking back at the others.)
Eleanor, why did you call the boy Turk?

ELEANOR RUSSETT
It’s short for turkey.   We thought, worst-case scenario, we could always eat him for Christmas dinner.

Jon Coney stares at her in amazement.

VINNIE
Yum, yum, we haven’t had any real meat in months.

JON CONEY/CONRAD/ADAM/ELEANOR/TURK
Shut up!

They all turn to face Turk.

JON CONEY
Do you speak any English?

TURK
No…
(Half a beat.)
Only American.

JON CONEY (Puzzled.)
That could be a problem, but we’ll have to learn to communicate with him somehow.

VINNIE
We could always try sign language.

JON CONEY (Puzzled.)
But who here knows sign language?

VINNIE
Don’t worry, I’ve mastered sign language.

JON CONEY (Pleased.)
Good man, Vinnie, give it a try.

Vinnie walks over to a corner of the room and picks up a collection of aluminium signs on polls.

He holds out the first sign, which says, “Who the Hell are you?”

Turk holds up a sign, which says, “Turk, you already know that!”

Vinnie holds up a sign, which says, “Sorry!”

He puts it down and picks up another sign, which says, “Where do you come from?”

Turk holds up a sign, which says, “I don’t know where I came from!”

Vinnie holds up a sign, which says, “Are you human, like us?”

Turk holds up a sign, which says, “I don’t know if I am human like you!”

Vinnie holds up a sign, which says, “Are you really that woman’s child?”   Sign has a black arrow pointing toward unconscious Mother.

Turk holds up a sign, which says, “I don’t know if I am really that woman’s child!”   His sign also has a black arrow pointing toward unconscious Mother.

Vinnie holds up a sign, which says, “Is there anything at all you can tell us about yourself?”

Turk holds up a sign, which says, “No, nothing, I’m afraid!”

Vinnie holds up a sign, which says, “Damn!”

Turk holds up a sign, which says, “Sorry, I wish I could have been more helpful.”

Vinnie puts don’t the last of the signs and turns to face Jon Coney, Eleanor and the others.

VINNIE
Sorry, Jon, but he doesn’t know who he really is, or where he comes from.

JON CONEY/CONRAD/ADAM/ELEANOR/
We know that, dummy!   We read the bloody signs!

VINNIE
Sorry, Jon, that never occurred to me.

JON CONEY/CONRAD/ADAM/ELEANOR/TURK
(Looking to the ceiling.)
Oy vay, idiots yet!

VINNIE (Offended.)
There’s no bloody need to be sarky.

JON CONEY
Oh well, I guess we’ll just have to speak to him in American.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
If necessary Sandy can do a check of all Alpha-Beta personnel to see if we can find a translator for us.

JON CONEY
Good thinking Eleanor.   It’s good to see someone around here is on the ball.

Eleanor smiles smugly at Vinnie who glares at her.

VINNIE
Well, pardon me for living.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
As I Conrad before, I can always fix that for you!

Vinnie glares at her.

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, COMMUNICATIONS ROOM — LIT

SANDY, Bekkie, Vinnie, Gloria, Adam, Ginger and others working at various consuls.

WHOOSH as door opens and Jon Coney and Turk walk in from the corridor.

JON CONEY (To Eleanor.)
Any luck yet on finding a member of personnel who can translate from American to English?.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
I’m afraid not.

JON CONEY (To Eleanor.)
Damn!
(To Turk.)
Would you like to see my office, Turk?

Turk shrugs indifferently and makes a noise that sounds vaguely like, “Okay.”

Jon Coney takes a metal device from a holster at his waist.   He holds devise at wall behind Sandra, et cetera.

With a WHOOSH the wall slides open to reveal his office.

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, COMMUNICATIONS ROOM – LIT, Looking into Jon Coney’s Office.

JON CONEY
I bet you weren’t expecting that?

Actually I could see it coming a mile away.

Jon Coney looks puzzled.

JON CONEY
Er, yes, well, let’s go.

He takes Turk’s hand and the two of them walk into his office, followed by Eleanor.

Turning back Jon Coney holds devise at where wall was and pushes a button.

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, JON CONEY’S OFFICE — LIT
looking into Communications room.

WHOOSH as wall slides closed again so we can only see Jon Coney, Turk and Eleanor in Jon’s office, which is surrounded by flashing lights.

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, JON CONEY’S OFFICE — LIT

Jon leads Turk across to his desk, which contains a PC with large monitor, and numerous keyboards.

Jon lifts Turk up to sit in his seat.

JON CONEY
Do you want to look at a pretty picture, Turk?

Turk nods.

Jon presses a few buttons, and a naked picture of Sandy appears on the monitor.

Jon and Turk both stare at the picture with interest.

JON CONEY
Do you like that, Turk?

Turk nods his head furiously.

Eleanor glares at them.

JON CONEY
Well, here’s another pretty picture,

Jon presses a few buttons, and a naked picture of Gloria appears on the monitor.

Jon and Turk both stare at the picture with interest.

JON CONEY
Do you like that, Turk?

Turk nods his head furiously.

Eleanor glares at them again.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Puzzled.)
Hey where did you get these pictures, Jon.

JON CONEY (Ignoring her.)
Well, here’s another pretty picture,

Jon presses a few buttons, and a naked picture of Bekkie appears on the monitor.

Jon and Turk both stare at the picture with interest.

JON CONEY
Do you like that, Turk?

Turk nods his head so furiously, that it seems it might fall off.

Eleanor glares at them again.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Puzzled.)
Where did you get these pictures, Jon.

JON CONEY
Well, here’s another pretty picture,

Jon presses a few buttons, and a naked picture of Maria (Turk’s mother.) appears on the monitor.

Jon and Turk both stare at the picture with interest.

JON CONEY
Do you like that, Turk?

Turk nods his head so furiously, and is thrashing about like a drowning man from excitement.

Eleanor glares at them again.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Puzzled.)
I demand to know where you got these pictures, Jon.

JON CONEY
Well, here’s another pretty picture,

Jon presses a few buttons, and a naked picture of Ginger appears on the monitor.

Jon and Turk both stare at the picture with interest.

JON CONEY
Do you like that, Turk?

Turk nods his head furiously from excitement.

Eleanor glares at them again.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Puzzled.)
Where the hell did you get these pictures, Jon.

Jon Coney and Turk turn round to look at her, but say nothing.

After a moment they both turn back to look at the monitor.

JON CONEY
Well, here’s another pretty picture,

Jon presses a few buttons, and a naked picture of Eleanor appears on the monitor.   She is in the shower, soaping her breasts and mons and clearly on the brink of orgasm.

Jon and Turk both stare at the picture with interest.

JON CONEY
Do you like that, Turk?

Turk nods his head furiously.

Eleanor glares at them again.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Puzzled.)
Hey that’s me!  Just where the hell did  you get these pictures, Jon.

Jon sighs from frustration at the interruption.

JON CONEY
Do you remember when we had those major repairs done to the women’s living quarters a few months back?

ELEANOR RUSSETT
Yes, so what?

JON CONEY
So we took the opportunity to put hidden cameras in the bedrooms and shower stalls in all the women’s quarters.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Shouting.)
You did what?

JON CONEY
Don’t make such a fuss, for God’s sake, Eleanor.   We’re here to entertain young Turk.   Not to have a lecture on feminism.

Eleanor glares at him.

JON CONEY
Are you enjoying yourself, Turk?

Turk nods his head furiously.

JON CONEY
Well, here’s another pretty picture,

Jon presses a few buttons, and a naked picture of a gorgeous blonde appears on the monitor.

Jon and Turk both stare at the picture with interest.

JON CONEY
Do you like that, Turk?

Turk nods his head furiously.

TURK
Can I see the picture of Eleanor again.

JON CONEY
Of course, you can.

Eleanor glares at them.

Turning Eleanor storms across to the door and takes a metal device from a holster at her waist and presses a button on it.

With a WHOOSH the door opens and she storms out into the corridor.

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, JON CONEY’S OFFICE — LIT
looking into Corridor.

JON CONEY
Feminists, Jesus!

Eleanor turns back to glare at him, before turning and storming away down the corridor.

WHOOSH as door closes behind Eleanor.

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, JON CONEY’S OFFICE — LIT

Jon presses a few buttons, and the naked picture of Eleanor in the shower, soaping her breasts and mons and clearly on the brink of orgasm reappears on the monitor.

Jon and Turk both stare at the picture with interest.

JON CONEY
You really do like this one, don’t you, Turk?

Turk nods his head so furiously, and is almost drooling from excitement.

JON CONEY
Well, I think that’s enough excitement for today.

Jon presses a few buttons, and screen goes blank.

JON CONEY
I can’t stay here all day, I’ve got work to do.

TURK
Can I stay here looking at the pretty pictures?

Jon considers for a moment.

JON CONEY
Well, I guess it won’t do any harm.   Press whichever buttons you like.

Turk hurriedly presses a few buttons and the naked picture of Eleanor in the shower, soaping her breasts and mons and clearly on the brink of orgasm reappears on the monitor.

JON CONEY
You really do like that one, don’t you?

Turk nods his head so furiously, that there is a very real danger of it falling off.

Turning Jon walks across to the door and takes a metal device from a holster at his waist and presses a button on it.

With a WHOOSH the door opens.

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, JON CONEY’S OFFICE — LIT
looking into Corridor.

Jon Coney walks out into the corridor, leaving Turk to drool over the image of Eleanor in the shower.

INT. MOONBASE ALPHA-BETA, VINNIE’S LABORATORY – LIT, THE NEXT DAY

Vinnie is working with some chemicals in test tubes, while behind him Turk sits on a backless stool at a wooden bench drawing on a pad of large pages, with a great collection of coloured pencils.

Putting aside the test tubes, Vinnie walks across to a large coffee-table book, which he picks up.

VINNIE
Turk, would you like to look at some pretty pictures?

Nodding, Turk climbs down from his stool and walks across to Vinnie.

VINNIE
Here’s a picture of some pretty flowers.

INSERT – PICTURE OF SOME FLOWERS

VINNIE
Do you like that, Turk?

TURK (Smiling.)
Very nice.

VINNIE
Here’s a picture of one of the Hawks.

INSERT – PICTURE OF HAWK (ONE OF THEIR SPACE SHUTTLES.)

VINNIE
Do you like that, Turk?

TURK (Smiling.)
Very nice.

VINNIE
Here’s a picture of Gloria naked.

INSERT – NAKED PICTURE OF GLORIA.

VINNIE
Do you like that, Turk?

TURK (Smiling widely.)
Yes, very nice.

VINNIE
Here’s a picture of Ginger naked.

INSERT – NAKED PICTURE OF GINGER.

VINNIE
Do you like that, Turk?

TURK (Smirking.)
Very, very nice.

VINNIE
Here’s a picture of Maria naked.

INSERT – NAKED PICTURE OF MARIA (TURK’S MOTHER.)

VINNIE
Do you like that, Turk?

TURK (Nodding.)
Very, very nice.

VINNIE
Here’s a picture of Bekkie naked.

INSERT – NAKED PICTURE OF BEKKIE

VINNIE
Do you like that, Turk?

TURK (Nodding furiously.)
Yes, fantastic.

VINNIE
Good boy.   Here’s a picture of Eleanor naked.

INSERT – NAKED PICTURE OF ELEANOR RUSSETT

VINNIE
Do you like that, Turk?

TURK (Imitating the Big Bopper.)
Oh, baby that’s what I like!

VINNIE
Good boy, I like a child with an enquiring mind.   Now, here’s a picture of Sandy naked.

INSERT – NAKED PICTURE OF SANDY

VINNIE
Do you like that, Turk?

TURK (Grinning like an idiot.)
I sure do!

VINNIE
Well, what picture would you like to look at now?

TURK (Pleadingly.)
Can I look at the picture of Eleanor naked again, please?

VINNIE
Of course you can.

He flips back a page.

INSERT – NAKED PICTURE OF ELEANOR RUSSETT

Turk stares intently at the picture.

VINNIE
You really like that one, don’t you, Turk?

TURK (Grinning like an idiot.)
I sure do!

VINNIE
Well I have to do some work now, why don’t you go back to your drawing?

TURK (Hopefully.)
Can I take the picture book with me?

VINNIE (Giving him the book.)
Of course you can.

Clutching the book to his chest, Turk returns to the stool.   He places the book on the counter, then climbs onto the stool and starts drawing again.

INT. RECREATION ROOM – LIT, THE NEXT DAY
Eleanor, Jon Coney, Bekkie, Ginger, Gloria, Sandy, Adam and others are sitting round drinking cuppas, reading from magazines, or talking.

WHOOSH of door to corridor.

INT. RECREATION ROOM – LIT, LOOKING OUT INTO THE Corridor as Vinnie and Turk walk in.

WHOOSH as door closes behind them.

INT. RECREATION ROOM – LIT

Eleanor and the others look up as Vinnie and Turk enter.

Turk is carrying a large-page colouring book.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
Hello, Turk, what have you got there?

TURK
A colouring book, stupid.

Eleanor looks put out by this.

VINNIE
He’s been doing some drawing and he’d like to show them to you.

ELEANOR/JON CONEY/BEKKIE/GINGER/GLORIA/SANDY/ ADAM/OTHERS (With feeling.)
Oh God, no!

Vinnie and Turk glare at them.

ELEANOR/JON CONEY/BEKKIE/GINGER/GLORIA/SANDY/ ADAM/OTHERS (Embarrassed.)
Er, that is…
(Half a beat.)
Oh Good, now would be a great time for that!

Vinnie and Turk look uncertain about this.

VINNIE
Anyway, Turk, go over and show them.

Turk walks over to the others and flips open his colouring book.

TURK
Here’s a drawing of some pretty flowers.

INSERT – DRAWING OF SOME FLOWERS

VINNIE
What do you all say?

ELEANOR/JON CONEY/BEKKIE/GINGER/GLORIA/SANDY/ ADAM/OTHERS (Sounding bored.)
Very nice.

TURK
Here’s a drawing of one of the Hawks.

INSERT – DRAWING OF HAWK (ONE OF THEIR SPACE SHUTTLES.)

VINNIE
Do you like that?

ELEANOR/JON CONEY/BEKKIE/GINGER/GLORIA/SANDY/ ADAM/OTHERS (Sounding bored.)
Very good.

TURK
Here’s a drawing of Gloria naked.

INSERT – NAKED DRAWING OF GLORIA.

JON CONEY/ADAM/OTHER MEN (No longer sounding bored.)
Very good indeed.

ELEANOR/BEKKIE/GINGER/SANDY/OTHER WOMEN (Puzzled.)
Ummmm.

GLORIA (Angry)
Hey!

TURK
Here’s a drawing of Ginger naked.

INSERT – NAKED DRAWING OF GINGER.

JON CONEY/ADAM/OTHER MEN (Smirking.)
Very, very good.

ELEANOR/BEKKIE/GLORIA/SANDY/OTHER WOMEN (Puzzled.)
Ummmm.

GINGER (Angry)
Hey!

VINNIE
One minor criticism.   If that’s meant to be Ginger, her peach fuzz should be red.

GINGER (Angry)
Hey!

TURK
Oh yes, of course.

He takes a red pencil from a pack he is carrying and dabs some red on the crotch area.

VINNIE (Pleased.)
Much better.

JON CONEY/ADAM/OTHER MEN (Smirking.)
Perfect in fact.

GINGER (Angry)
Shut up!

TURK
Here’s a drawing of Maria naked.

INSERT – NAKED DRAWING OF MARIA (TURK’S MOTHER.)

JON CONEY/ADAM/OTHER MEN (Smirking.)
Very, very nice.

GINGER/ELEANOR/BEKKIE/GLORIA/SANDY/OTHER WOMEN (Puzzled.)
Ummmm.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry)
How do you know what she looks like naked?

TURK
Here’s a drawing of Bekkie naked.

INSERT – NAKED DRAWING OF BEKKIE

JON CONEY/ADAM/OTHER MEN (Smirking.)
Fantastic.

ELEANOR/GINGER/GLORIA/SANDY/OTHER WOMEN (Puzzled.)
Ummmm.

BEKKIE (Angry)
Hey!

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry)
How do you know what she looks like naked?

VINNIE
Good boy.

TURK
Here’s a drawing of Eleanor naked.

INSERT – NAKED DRAWING OF ELEANOR RUSSETT

JON CONEY/ADAM/OTHER MEN (Smirking.)
Wonderful.

GINGER/BEKKIE/GLORIA/SANDY/OTHER WOMEN (Puzzled.)
Ummmm.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry)
Hey that’s me!   How do you know what I look like naked?

JON CONEY (Imitating the Big Bopper.)
Oh, baby that’s what I like!

ELEANOR RUSSETT (To Jon)
Shut up, you creep.

JON CONEY (Angry.)
Don’t forget I’m commander of Moonbase Alpha-Beta!

ELEANOR RUSSETT (To Jon)
In that case, shut up Commander Creep.

JON CONEY
That’s much better.

The others all turn to stare at him in amazement.

TURK
Now, here’s a drawing of Sandy naked.

INSERT – NAKED DRAWING OF SANDY

VINNIE
Very good, Turk?

JON CONEY/ADAM/OTHER MEN (Smirking.)
Marvellous.

ELEANOR/GINGER/BEKKIE/GLORIA/OTHER WOMEN (Puzzled.)
Ummmm.

SANDY (Angry)
Hey that’s me!

ELEANOR RUSSETT
How do you know what she looks like naked?

TURK
This is my favourite.

He flips back a page.

INSERT – NAKED PICTURE OF ELEANOR RUSSETT

TURK (pointing.)
See, I even used a silver pencil to get her silver-blonde peach fuzz right.

VINNIE
Very good, Turk?

ADAM/OTHER MEN (Smirking.)
Fantastic.

SANDY/GINGER/BEKKIE/GLORIA/OTHER WOMEN (Puzzled.)
Ummmm.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry)
Hey!

JON CONEY
It’s those little details that make all the difference.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Angry)
Hey!   Shut up…
(Half a beat.)
Commander Creep.

JON CONEY
At last, some respect.

The others turn to stare at him in amazement for a second.

Turk stares intently at the picture.

VINNIE
You really like that one, don’t you, Turk?

ELEANOR RUSSETT
For God’s sake, Turk, how do you know what we all look like naked?

TURK (Innocently.)
I copied your pictures out of the big book of pictures.

ELEANOR/SANDY/GINGER/BEKKIE/GLORIA/OTHER WOMEN (Puzzled.)
What big book of pictures?

JON CONEY/VINNIE/ADAM/OTHER MEN (Shocked.)
Uh-oh, he’s told the women about the big book of pictures!

Jon Coney, Vinnie, Adam, and other men all leap up and race across to the door to the corridor.

WHOOSH as door opens.

INT. RECREATION ROOM – LIT, LOOKING OUT INTO CORRIDOR as men race out into corridor, leaving Turk and women behind.

ELEANOR/SANDY/GINGER/BEKKIE/GLORIA/OTHER WOMEN (Shouting.)
Come back here, you cowards?

INT. MEDICAL BAY – LIT, NEXT DAY
Eleanor, Jon Coney, Conrad, Vinnie, Adam and other medical staff watching Maria (Turks mother.)

Mother still screaming, pointing Turk.

JON CONEY
She still doesn’t like him, then?

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Staring at drawing book he is still carrying.)
To tell you the truth I’m not too fond of him myself anymore.

Jon Coney and the others stare at her.

TURK (Holding up drawing book.)
This is my favourite.

INSERT – NAKED DRAWING OF ELEANOR RUSSETT

TURK (pointing.)
See, I even used a silver pencil to get her silver-blonde peach fuzz right.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Staring at drawing.)
Not too fond of him at all!

Behind them Mother keeps screaming, then finally collapses.

Heart monitor stares BLARING.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Staring at Maria.)
Oh, my God, I think she’s dying.

JON CONEY
Is there anything you can do, Eleanor?

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Slamming her hands against Maria’s chest.)
I’m not sure.

TURK (Puzzled.)
Are you concerned about this womanoid’s survival?

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Still slamming her hands against Maria’s chest.)
Our species calls us women or females.

VINNIE
Or chicks, or birds.

ADAM
Or sheilas or broads.

JON CONEY
Or dames or floozies.

CONRAD
Or bints, or pussy.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Still slamming her hands against Maria’s chest.)
All right, already!   I think he gets the message.

ADAM
Or cunts or sluts.

JON CONEY
Or cuties or honeys.

CONRAD
Or babes or sweeties.

ELEANOR RUSSETT (Still slamming her hands against Maria’s chest.)
All right, already!   He gets the bloody message.

VINNIE
Gee, what a grouch.

ADAM
You’re not wrong there.

CONRAD
Yes, how tetchy can you get?

Eleanor turns round to glare at them.

Turks steps toward his mother.

TURK
Here, let me.

He places a hand on Maria’s head and a yellow light starts to emanate from his hands and pass to her.

Maria jerks and twitches for a while, then as heart monitor goes back to normal rhythm, she opens her eyes and looks surprised.

MARIA
Where am I?

ELEANOR RUSSETT
On Moonbase Alpha-Beta, still alive, thanks to Turk healing you.

MARIA
Damn, the last thing I can remember I was up in heaven, having all the most handsome men in history trying to chat me up!

Turk and Eleanor exchange a puzzled look.

ELEANOR RUSSETT
Oh well, I guess there’s just no pleasing some people.

CONRAD/ADAM/VINNIE/JON CONEY/TURK
I’ll say!

TURK
Ungrateful bitch!

ELEANOR RUSSETT
You’re not wrong there.

WHOOSH as door to corridor opens behind them.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – LIT, LOOKING OUT INTO CORRIDOR
Eleanor, Jon Coney, Conrad, Vinnie, Adam, Maria, and Turks all turn around as Sandy enters leading a fat man, dressed like a caricature of a Texas millionaire.

SANDY
Great news everybody, I’ve finally found someone who can speak American, so we can communicate with Turk.
(Pointing at fat man.)
This is Tex.

JON CONEY (To Tex.)
Is that right, that you speak American?

TEX
Sher can buddy.   I bin talkin’ ‘Merican since I bin knee-high to a Texas horny toad.

JON CONEY
All right, so he speaks American.
(To Sandy/Puzzled.)
But can he speak a word of English.

TEX
Sher can buddy.   I bin talkin’ Inglis since I bin knee-high to a Texas horny toad.

CONRAD/ELEANOR/VINNIE/ADAM/MARIA/TURK
Good question, Jon!

INT. INSIDE THE COACH — DAY — SUZIE
is lying on the floor of the coach, projecting film onto the roof of the coach.

Coach finally pulls up.

MAVIS SMERNIK
Thank God, are we back at the depot yet?

PRODUCER
No, we’re back at El Cheapo Crappo Film’s luxurious film studios.

HILDA (Puzzled.)
You mean the broken down warehouse with the coat hanger doubling as a lock on the door?

PRODUCER (Embarrassed.)
Er, yes, that’s the place.

INT. DINGY WAREHOUSE — DAY
Everyone is standing before a small kiosk inside the warehouse.

They have been joined by Don, who is heavily bandaged about the head and chest, has a leg in plaster, and is standing on crutches.

PRODUCER
Well, that’s the last of our films.

BUS DRIVER/ALL PASSENGERS
Thank God!

PRODUCER (Annoyed.)
But don’t forget the El Cheapo Crappo brand name when buying how-to videos.

He holds up a loose VCR tape, and the tape falls apart, spilling film everywhere.

SUZIE
And remember El Cheapo Crappo doesn’t just make instructional videos…
(Half a beat.)
We also make El Cheapo Crappo brand notepads.

She holds up a multi-coloured notepad and the pages fall out and scatter everywhere.

DON
El Cheapo Crappo brand ballpoint pens.

He hands a biro to Mavis, who takes a small pad from her purse and tries writing on the pad with the pen.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Whining.)
Hey, this biro has no ballpoint.

PRODUCER
El Cheapo Crappo brand rulers.

He holds one up and it sags down like rubber.

SUZIE
El Cheapo Crappo brand surfboards.

She holds up a large surfboard, which snaps in half, to show it is only made out of Styrofoam.

DON
El Cheapo Crappo brand crockery.

He tries to pick up a cup sitting on the counter.

The handle comes away, leaving the cup behind on the counter.

PRODUCER
El Cheapo Crappo brand Cola.

He picks up a small bottle of cola.

PRODUCER
The cola that will wipe Coca Cola and Pepsi both off the market.
(Taking the cap in one hand.)
Ah, just listen to that fizz.

He twists the cap, which opens readily, but there is no fizz at all.

Suzie picks up a plastic cup from the counter and holds cup out.

PRODUCER
Ah, just listen to that fizz.

He pours a glass of the cola, which is obviously 100 Percent flat.

PRODUCER
Come on fizz, dammit, fizz!

He sticks his thumb over the opening and shakes the bottle furiously.

Still there is no fizz at all.

Suzie holds the plastic cup up to her mouth and takes a large swig.

CLOSE ON Suzie’s face as she looks disgusted.

PAN BACK to include the others as Suzie spits the cola out, just missing Mavis, who leaps aside in shock.

SUZIE
Oh my God!

She starts furiously rubbing at her mouth with her sleeve.

DON
Serves you right for drinking it, you silly cow.

PRODUCER
El Cheapo Crappo brand paperbacks.

He holds up a paperback book and flips through it.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Amazed.)
Hey, there’s no printing in that book.

DON
El Cheapo Crappo brand vases.

He picks one up and the bottom falls out.

SUZIE
El Cheapo Crappo brand flashlights.

She hands one to Hilda who looks it all over.

HILDA (Puzzled.)
Hey there’s no compartment for the batteries in this torch.

MAVIS SMERNIK (Leaning over to examine it.)
And no place for a bulb either!

PRODUCER
So remember the name El Cheapo Crappo.

PRODUCER/SUZIE/DON
A large range of crappy products!

CLOSE ON Suzie.

SUZIE
Remember, if the price is el cheapo.

CLOSE ON Don.

DON
And the quality is crappo.

CLOSE ON Producer.

PRODUCER
Then you’re buying….

PAN BACK to include Don and Suzie.

PRODUCER/SUZIE/DON (Shouting.)
El Cheapo Crappo!

FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE:

TAG:

FADE IN:
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — DAY —
THE DOCTOR and THICKIE, ABRICK, AND MEGAN near consul.

SUPERIMPOSE:
 ”EXCERPT FROM THE UPCOMING FILM DOCTOR WHOM MEETS THE BIMBO BABES.”

There is a large glass sphere on a stand near LHS of SHOT.

The Doctor is a tall redhead, and is a scientist, qualified in most fields.   She is not quite as sarcastic as Megan, and not as big an airhead as Thickie, although she is notoriously clumsy.

Abrick is in his late teens, short, with black hair, and is interested only in sex.   He has only recently started travelling with the Doctor and Thickie, and is forever trying to have sex with Thickie and (more rarely.) Megan.

Thickie is centuries old, but looks like a teenager; and has been travelling with the Doctor for hundreds of years.   She is very short also, but with large breasts.   Like Abrick she is a self-interested airhead.

Megan, is short and brown-haired, an Aussie by birth, now living in England.   Although slightly less of an airhead than Thickie or Abrick, she is decidedly more sarcastic.

THICKIE
(Pointing at glass sphere.)
Doctor, I’ve been mean to ask you, what is that thing?

ABRICK
Yes, we’ve had it for two acts now, without it doing anything.

DOCTOR
That’s a time-monitor.

MEGAN
A what?

DOCTOR (She clicks a switch by the sphere.)
Sort of like TV, only it shows images from the past.

THICKIE
Oh, a magic mirror into the past in other words?

DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
If you want to put it so simplistically.
(They all stare at her.)
And something tells me that you do.

Sphere starts HUMMING then a picture appears.

INSERT — EMCEE STANDING ON A STAGE — SPOTLIGHTED

The Bimbo-Babes are a take-off of late 1990s girl-group, the Spice Girls.

EMCEE
Now the act you’ve all been waiting for: firstly, Bimbo-Babe!
A young blonde of only fifteen runs onto stage.

BIMBO-BABE (Waving at audience.)
Duuuuuuuuh!

EMCEE
Next we have Airhead-Babe.

A black girl of twenty or so runs onto stage.

AIRHEAD-BABE (Waving at audience.)
Duuuuuuuuh!

EMCEE
Then Dopey-Babe.

A brunette in her early twenties runs onto stage.

DOPEY-BABE (Waving at audience.)
Duuuuuuuuh!

EMCEE
Next we have Smart-Arse-Babe.

A brunette in her mid twenties runs onto stage.

SMART-ARSE-BABE (Waving at audience.)
Duuuuuuuuh!

EMCEE
And lastly we have BONEHEAD-BABE.

A bottle-redhead of about twenty-two walks onto stage.

BONEHEAD-BABE (Waving at audience.)
Duuuuuuuuh!

Bonehead-Babe trips over her own feet and slides across the stage.

SKITTLES as she knocks over the other four girls.

EMCEE (Shouting.)
The Bimbo-Babes, bringing Bimbo-Power to the world!

INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
The Doctor and the others watching the pop band on the sphere.

THICKIE
Wow, the Bimbo-Babes!   They were the biggest all-girl band in the world in 1999…
(Half a beat.)
It’s such a pity they were has-beens by mid 2000.   They’re one of my favourites.

MEGAN
You like that bunch of bubble-gum pop singers?

THICKIE
They are not bubble-gum pop singers.   They’re serious rock singers, like….
(Considering a moment.)
Like the Bay City Rollers.
(Considering a moment.)
Or the Village People.
(Considering a moment.)
Or the Monkees.
(Considering a moment.)
Hell they’re almost as hard rock as Gary Glitter!
(Turning to Abrick.)
You like to watch them don’t you, Abrick?

ABRICK
I certainly do.

MEGAN (Shocked.)
You listen to the Bimbo-Babes, Abrick?

ABRICK (Indignant.)
I didn’t say I listen to them.   Just that I like to watch them.

THICKIE
He watches them on TV, but with the sound down…
(Half a beat.)
The pervert.

MEGAN
I don’t blame him…
(Half a beat.)
The pervert.   Actually when I left Earth the Bimbo-Babes were all the rage…
(Half a beat.)
At comedy revues.   One of my favourite Bimbo-Babes jokes goes: What would happen if Pamela Anderson joined the Bimbo-Babes?

The Doctor, Abrick, and Thickie stare at her in obvious boredom.

MEGAN
They group’s combined I.Q. would double.

She laughs riotously for a moment, while the others stare at her.

MEGAN
Then there’s: You’re in an overloaded space shuttle with the Bimbo-Babes.   Who do you jettison into outer space to die…
(Half a beat.)
Answer: Yourself.   Another one is: Bimbo-Babe and Bonehead-Babe are trying to get into their car with a coat hanger.   Bonehead-Babe: I can’t get the door to open.   Bimbo-Babe: Well you’d better, because it’s starting to rain and the top’s down…
(Half a beat.)
Another one goes: What do you call a bimbo-babe with two brain cells…
(Half a beat.)
Answer: Pregnant.

THICKIE (Indignant.)
Hey!   Just because they start every sentence with “Duuuuuuuuh!” is no reason to suggest they’re idiots.

FADE OUT:

END OF TAG: