That night, I allowed the emptiness I felt to lull me to sleep. And I dreamed of nothing but an empty oblivion. The long wait was killing me.
“I’m getting married,” he told me when I opened the door to his apartment. It was already 8:45 in the morning and I immediately went to his place after I had showered and shoved an unappetizing energy bar down my mouth. The news stunned me so much that I was unable to react. Then the pain from his words slowly sunk in. I just stared at him hoping that the pain I felt from the news did not show in my face.
“That’s the reason why you’re leaving?” I asked casually. But I was having a hard time doing it. I felt like something was stuck in my throat and my eyes were stinging with tears unshed.
“Y-yeah,” he answered. He seemed unsure. He didn’t look at me.
I looked around his apartment, it was spotless. He already packed everything. He had a lot of boxes scattered all over the place.
“Well…” I started to say, but my voice sounded so hoarse that I had to clear my throat and start over. “Well, I…um…congratulations” I muttered as I quickly turned around. I couldn’t stand the sight of him, going away, never coming back. And he was getting married! I felt like I was kicked in the pit of my stomach. The pain I felt was beyond any physical pain I could ever imagine. Things would never be the same again. I was hurt and I felt betrayed and too emotional at this point. I could not trust myself to stand around and watch him leave, to watch him walk away to get married.
“Cindy,” came his voice from behind.
I didn’t stop. I just increased my pace, I pretended that I didn’t hear him.
“Cindy,” he called again. This time he grabbed my wrist in a tight grip.
“Look,” he started to say, “this isn’t easy for me. And I know that you are affected by this. I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
I didn’t respond. I just tried to pull my hand free from his grip. He didn’t budge.
“Please say something,” he pleaded. His other had grabbed hold of my shoulder. “Listen, I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Well I don’t want to hear that!” I spat at him, pushing him away with my remaining free hand. “I don’t care how you feel right now okay?! I just want to be selfish and feel sorry for myself because I got involved with a jack ass like you!” I shouted at him angrily. I could feel myself shaking with rage, and I could no longer hold back the tears that I tried to keep at bay.
“Don’t cry Cindy…” he murmured as he hugged me tightly. “I don’t want to see you like this.”
“Let go of me John,” I whispered between clenched teeth as I pounded him with my balled fists.
“Don’t make it any harder than it already is…” I cried out sobbing openly now.
With that his arms dropped to his sides and he turned away from me.
I headed for the door, walking briskly, almost running down the steps of his apartment, numb with pain and blinded by the tears that I could not suppress, I went out and hailed a cab. I don’t know where I got the  strength to go back to my apartment. And I didn’t give a damn how the people reacted to my tear-drenched face. Nothing mattered any more. I lay in my bed, all rolled up in a tight ball and wept. Slowly at first until I was sobbing and moaning out loud. How could he do this to me? How could he play me for a fool? Why didn’t he tell me that he was attached to someone else? That he was about  to get married? He was going to get married to someone else, he was not marrying me. I allowed the truth to linger in my head, to sink in my heart. He was just fooling with me. The realization intensified the pain. It felt as though sharp-clawed hands ripped my chest open and snatched my heart in a tight fisted grip. My chest felt tight and my head ached from the too-many tears that I had shed. I allowed my already-puffy eyes to wander at the silence and the mess around me. My bedroom was a total chaos. It was in total ruins. I had acted like a crazy hysterical maniac and I did not even realize it. I looked at torn picture lying beside a broken picture frame. It was a picture of John and me. His face smiling sheepishly at me, eyes shinning and looking as handsome as ever. The pain I felt intensified. I wanted to cry again, but I was already all out of tears. I felt dizzy from headache and I felt numb and weak all over. I continued to stare at the photo.
I reeled with pain as I recalled what went through. He was getting married! how come he never told me about that? Why did he make me feel as though he liked me, as though I mattered to him? I felt so vulnerable and cheated and so disgusted with myself for being so naive. I stared at my tear drenched reflection in the mirror. I looked lost and…what the hell? I thought angrily. I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of totally ruining my life. The anger that I felt became the driving force that helped me exist from day to day. I was like a zombie doing everything out of routine and I just felt totally numb all over. That’s how I tried to survive with nothing but my empty ruined life. Everything I did was purely routine now, I did it simply to pass my time. I don’t know where this life would take me, but I no longer cared.
“Cindy,” a man’s voice interrupted my reverie. It was Marion, my supervisor. He was standing right in front of my desk giving me a worried look. I’ve been getting that a lot from all of my co workers lately. “Someone’s here to see you.” He then motioned for someone to come inside my office. A stunning brunette came into view. She had a friendly smile plastered over her face as she approached me. She wore a printed sundress that floated around her legs gracefully, I then noticed the slight bulk in the woman’s belly. She was pregnant.
“Thanks Marion,” I called out to the retreating back of my supervisor.
“Hello Cindy,” the woman greeted me in a friendly voice closing the door behind her.
I smiled back but it lacked both warmth and sincerity.
“I’m sorry, I don’t believe I know you…” I uttered in a dead voice.
“I’m Shannon,” she started. “I believe you know John,” she added tentatively.
Her words felt like sharp daggers slicing through my already bruised heart. Is she John’s fiance? Is she carrying his child? I wanted to faint and wallow in the fresh misery that I was feeling. Yet I wanted to physically hurt her as well. I gripped the edge of my table tightly.
“You need to see him,” she continued when I didn’t say anything. I could hear the pain in her voice.
“I don’t think that’s possible,” I said flatly. Did he leave her too? I wanted to ask her that question but I couldn’t bring myself to do so.
“You have to see him.” she repeated, it was not a request but an order.
I just stared at her curiously, trying to understand her motive behind the outrageous command.
“He needs you right now,” she pleaded.
“Look,” I started, as I stood up and crossed my arms over my chest. “I no longer give a hoot about John, and seeing him is the last thing that I would want to do right now.” My voice was down right mean but I did not give a damn as to how I sounded. Having his fiance come to the office, and beg me to go to him was the last straw. Was nothing sacred to him? How could he allow his fiance to go through this with her protruding belly and all? How pathetic was that? How could he sink so low? And why did he want to see me anyway?
“His dying,” she said in a pain-filed whisper.
“What do you mean his dying?” I asked unbelieving. “Who are you anyway?” I asked in a near shout.
“John has a large tumor in his brain. His had it for two years now,” she explained not answering my question. “I’m his sister. He told us all about you. I know that he must have hurt you terribly when he left. He loved you, you know. He just didn’t want…”
“I’m not going to take this crap!,” I cried out in anger. “Just get out of here, will you? I’m so sick of this! Who does he think he is sending you here to plead his case? You might as well go back to him and tell him that I’m over him!” I was dragging her by the arm towards the door as I ranted about my feelings.
“Listen,” she pleaded as she tried to maneuver away from my grasp. “Listen to me Cindy, John is dying. He needs you right now,” she said in a hopeless voice that somehow penetrated my ice-hardened heart. She must have sensed my slight change in mood for she immediately dug up something from her tote bag and shoved it in front of my face.
“Look,” she said as she waved her cell phone in front of me. “It’s John. He went under three separate surgeries for the past two weeks. His body is already very weak from it all, but he still tries to maintain a happy facade when we are around. But I know that he misses you terribly. That’s why I came to look for you, I just want you to be there with him when he…”
“It’s going to take more than that to make me believe you,” I said. But even to my ears I sounded like I already believed every word she said.
“I just took this quick snap shot of him just in case you wouldn’t believe me,” she explained and then waved the phone in front of me when I still didn’t look at it.
I focused my eyes on what I saw on the screen and let out a small gasp of horror. What I saw on the phone shocked me. It was a very frail man lying in bed with a lot of tube and machine attached to his dying body. His arms were lying lifeless covered with wires and tubes in all shapes and sizes. A huge swat of white linen wrapped around his head. The eyes were sunken and the cheeks hallowed. He looked like a lifeless version of John. I wiped away the flow of fresh tears that glided down my face as I began to sob uncontrollably. Shannon placed her arms around me, then she too began sobbing. I stopped crying when I saw how my reaction made her upset.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked, patting her lightly on the back.
“No…” she whimpered. “It’s actually my hormones making me more emotional than ever…” she added as an excuse before she blew out her nose loudly. That then made me laugh.
The atmosphere around us lightened considerably. But the dread that I felt multiplied as we got into the cab and headed for the hospital.
“I thought that he was from New York,” I mumbled more to myself than to my companion.
“He didn’t want to go back east,” she answered my question. “He wanted to stay near you.”
I didn’t say anything after that. I just allowed the little drops of rain against my window to distract my thoughts. Shannon lightly touched my hand as we arrived in the hospital. I silently followed her out of the cab and in to the busy corridors, the noise in the E. R. reminded me of a flea market that John used to take me to. My eyes started to water with the memories and I tried hard to pull myself together. As we reached the a bend en route to the elevator the noise began to subside, when we reached the 7th floor we heard nothing but the clicking of out heels against the vinyl floor.
“This way to the ICU” Shannon murmured as we turned right and then entered a glass enclosed room. The letters ICU were printed out in bold official looking letters.
I could feel my palms becoming sweaty and my breathing labored. My stomach churning uncontrollably, I was nervous. I didn’t know what to expect.
“He is inside,” Shannon whispered.
I came inside in what seemed like a glass tomb wearing a weird specialized ensemble that made me want to smile. But that thought soon faded as I witnessed the scene before me. There was my John. Lying unconscious against the huge pillows that threatened to devour his shrunken figure. I groaned unconsciously as I felt the silent pain he must be experiencing with all the tubes, bags and gadgets attached to his slight form. The attending nurse seemed to read my mind when she immediately assured me that these instruments where there to give comfort to the patient, rather than pain. Looking at the different types of monitors and gadgets that filled up the room, I felt more intimidated than comforted with the sight.
The nurse gave a friendly enough smile before leaving me alone.
“J-john…” I started, voice quivering. “John, I’m here.” I said beneath the veil of tears flowing freely from my eyes. I groped his tube-infiltrated right hand and held it tightly but gently against my face. “John, I…I’m sorry. I’m sorry t-that I was ang-gry. I love you John…o-okay? I-I love you…please d-don’t leave me…please…” I begged as I sobbed openly, kissing what little skin was left of the hand I held so dearly. “You are my life John…I would die without you…” I murmured as I buried my face beneath the bed covers.
I felt a light caress against my cheek. At first I didn’t notice it because I was so absorbed in my thoughts. Then it touched my cheek again, gently wiping away my tears. I sat up. Stunned by the realization that slowly crept in my head. John was moving! I sat up straight and found him staring at me with heavy lidded eyes, an after effect of his many medications no doubt.
“Have you been waiting long?” he whispered in a raspy voice…
It was the sweetest question I have ever heard. It was the same question he asked me when he first saw me and asked again a year after. It made me cry even more.
I had to sniff and clear my throat before I was able to answer him, “I have been waiting for you for all of my life,” I began. “We are going to be always together from now on, you hear me?” I ordered staring up at him with pleading eyes.
“I will always be with you,” he promised quietly.
His promise made chills run up over my spine, it scared me. I tried to push the thoughts away when I noticed that he looked very tired. Although I wanted to stay with him and talk to him until I’m fully satisfied that nothing untoward is going to happen to him, I had to let him rest.
“You should rest,” I said standing up. “I will come back after an hour, I just need to call the office and inform Marion that I’m taking an indefinite leave of absence,” I explained as I carefully maneuvered through the jungle of wires so that I can kiss him lightly on the forehead as I took hold of his hand and gripped it tightly. “I love you John,” I whispered in a hoarse voice.
“I will always love you Cindy,” he whispered back gently squeezing my hand.
I stared at him for a moment before saying, “I’m glad I waited for you. It was the best thing that I ever did.” I leaned down and gently kissed him on the forehead.
“It’s time for his rest now,” the nurse reminded me as she approached the bed.
“I better leave,” I told him reluctantly. “But I’m going to come back as soon as they will let me.”
As I stepped out of the room I looked out Shannon. I saw her on the waiting area along with the rest of John’s family. They all stared at me curiously and then it seemed like everyone started hugging and talking to me at the same time. They all seemed really friendly and really eager to share funny stories involving John. We were right in the middle of it when a doctor told us that John was dead.
I didn’t cry when I heard the news. But I think I lost my head during that time. I had lost John twice in my lifetime now. First, when I thought that he left me for another girl and now, when I lost him because of death. It was just too much for me. I was very angry with myself because I could not do anything to save him, and with God for taking John away from me. It was just too much! I knew that I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to yell and throw things and throw up. I wanted to kill myself, and I knew that I would. Life without John is not a life at all and I wanted none of it. I was hurting, but I can no longer shed a tear, instead, blackness surrounded me as I floated into oblivion. I welcomed this and hoped to never wake up.
I stayed at the hospital for three days and two nights. John’s family continued to visit me until I was released.But I still felt empty and I knew that I will die soon from the grief that I was feeling. I’m not sure why they still kept me in the hospital but I dreaded the thought of going home and facing reality. I felt constantly nauseous and I was always vomiting, I figured that it must have been caused by the emotional turmoil that I was experiencing. There was no hope for me, I knew. Life without John was simply not bearable. And I had nothing left of him to remind me of the best thing that ever happened to my life. I lost all trace of him forever.
I found hope on my third day of stay. We had something together after all. I was pregnant.