I grew up as a tomboy, so being tough was part of my persona.  I preferred doing things outside with my brother to staying inside with my mom and sister and learning to be a homemaker.  As a girl growing up in the 50s and 60s, it was natural to want to grow up to be a wife and mother.  That included learning to cook, clean, and care for children.  Being tender and nurturing went along with that.  Somehow, I preferred working on cars, playing baseball, or driving a tractor in a field.

Part of being tough included not showing emotion.  It was very important to not have tears spring up.  Ever.  Whether you were hurt physically or emotionally, a good tomboy didn’t cry.  I remember priding myself on the fact that a movie hadn’t made my cry since seeing Bambi as a very small child.  I went alone to see Love Story on the night of my junior prom since I hadn’t been invited by anyone.  No tears.  In recent years, I saw The Passion of Christ, a phenomenal movie with incredible impact, but again without tears. 

So, why am I now turned into a weeping puddle of goo at the least little thing?  Just like Humpty Dumpty, I’ve been broken into so many pieces that basically nothing is capable of putting me back together again.  The events surrounding my mom’s death five months ago were so inconceivably devastating that they have left me forever changed.  I can see a sad movie and cry.  I can see a really touching scene and cry.  I can simply hear a particularly beautiful song and cry.  What a strange concept for me!  Frankly, it is one that still somehow embarrasses me since it is so unfamiliar.  So where are all the king’s horses and men to put me back together again?

You know, I don’t know where they are and frankly I’m not sure I need to be put back together again.  Will this level of loss and the resulting grief make me more empathetic to others in a similar situation?  Will this softer side of me make me a gentler, kinder person?  Who knows?  In some ways, I want the pain to end and to somehow be healed from the grief.  I think with time, maybe it will ease on some level.  But I am not so sure that I need for all the pieces to be put back together again.