One day I asked my mom “What happened to all the sour patch parents?” and she replied with “They were abducted by aliens.” I decided to then ask my cousin and his response was “They were the children of Mike & Ike but they were ashamed of their sexuality and Ike was abusive so they let their children free.” I think the winner is obvious.

My brother was 10-years-old and we had to put our dog to sleep. My brother went to go with my dad to put my dog down and my brother said “See you in Heaven Moses.” My dad then turned to him, put his hand on his shoulder, and said “Son… dogs don’t go to Heaven. They have no souls.” Words of wisdom from my father.

One day my mother and father were talking. My father is hard of hearing to he guessed what my mother was saying and didn’t understand so he turned to her and said “Who’s a slut?” my mom wasn’t even talking about anything living.

I was at a pool party and we were playing basketball in the pool. One guy was complaining that he got slapped. The girl that slapped him said “I didn’t slap you I high fived your face!” and the man who was slapped continued by saying “Well you hurt me. Not physically… but emotionally. You slapped me like a red headed step child.”

So my boyfriend is an only child and he knows I hate my siblings so to spite me he dares me to go tell my sister I love her and give her a great big hug. I did and when it was done (she didn’t hug me back) she just looked up at me and said “Why?” Ah. My sister loves me.

So my cousin is sort of a comedian so one day he turns to me and say “It’s funny because remember my joke about it’s weird if your girlfriend has the same name as your mom but it’s weirder is her name is mom?” I nodded yes. He continued “Well in your situation your boyfriend has the same name as your dad… at least his name isn’t dad.”