At some point in everyone’s lives, they get the burning urge to start a family of their own. Even zombies suffer from this inevitability. Unfortunately, as rotting corpses, we cannot reproduce sexually. Sure, the potential of wanton risk-free sex sounds great, until you want to settle down and have kids. Like any other American, there are several other options available to those looking to add kids to their home.

Adoption is probably the first thing to come to mind when someone thinks about alternate means of having children. For younger zombies, who are still largely whole and fresh, or for those in a committed relationship with the living, this is an outstanding method. There’s plenty of kids out there getting bounced around by the foster care system just waiting for a loving home, and there are plenty of loving zombie parents who would love to take them in. This route, however, just doesn’t work for the elderly zombie who has lost more than a little flesh and gotten a bit rank.

Another option is to find an already pregnant woman, or one with a womb for rent. Women who are already pregnant but are unwilling to abandon their child to the woefully inadequate foster care system often search out parents looking to adopt. This way they can get to know the people who will be raising their child and make sure they are going to be well taken care of. Once again, this is a route that doesn’t work out well for the elderly zombie, since no woman in their right mind is going to turn over their newborn child to a rotting walking talking corpse. Cost can also be prohibitive, since zombies don’t usually have much money.

There are a few more unconventional options used by us zombie folk, but I’m hesitant to discuss them. Both are seedy and frowned upon, and could give us a bad name. I should just be out with it though. My whole goal in writing this is to educate and inform, and to keep the truth hidden would be contrary to that aim. So, here’s the dirty secret.

Kidnapping.

Yes, you read it right, we kidnap children and claim them for our own. Before you go rousing everyone you know to gather their pitch forks and torches, let me elaborate. Give me a chance to put it into perspective.

You see news reports regularly about neglected, abused children, and you think, “Those people don’t deserve their children.” You are outraged when the system fails and those people get to keep their children. We see the same things, and we do something about it. Many a missing child seen on milk cartons, news papers, or those little post cards you get in the mail are not missing so much as they were taken to a better place. The missing children files rarely reveal the truth that what that child is truly missing is being raised in a dysfunctional, abusive home. Surely you can’t blame us for bringing these children into the loving arms of a deserving family.

There is another method, which really falls under kidnapping as well, but less unseemly. All across America, teenagers are getting pregnant young and can’t cope. Dozens, maybe even hundreds, of these teens resort to disposing of the child shortly after birth in bathroom stalls, dumpsters, or whatever else is convenient when they finally pop. You’d hear about it a lot more often on the news if we didn’t step in and rescue these poor abandoned children from almost certain death.

At this point I should point out that we do not kill these children and make them like us. No, that would rob them of growing up into adults. Once a child reaches adulthood, they can make the decision themselves. Only then are they allowed to pass from life to death, if they are willing. It’s like a coming of age ceremony, lots of pomp, and cake and ice cream afterward.

I hope I have not offended anyone too terribly by revealing our ways. Perhaps one day, when enough have learned and accepted us, we will not have to resort to unsavory methods of getting children.

Until next time braaiiins…