[No lights. HAROLD’s voice is heard in the dark.]

HAROLD

You’re a slob, Andy! An absolute slob! God, if I had a penny for every time I saw your ass crack on a daily basis, maybe I could finally afford some drain cleaner so I could kill myself! I’ve finally learned not to touch the bottoms of any of the furniture in the house just in case your boogers haven’t had a chance to dry yet and I get a fresh one on my fingers! At this point, I’m pretty sure you’re physically incapable of doing a single thing that doesn’t repulse me! The way you think you’re flirting with that boy at the movie theater by ordering the foot-long every time… He’s like 17 years old, have his balls even dropped yet? And besides, he wouldn’t be so turned on if he had to watch you eat the damn thing like I do. Actually, “eating” isn’t really the right word, is it? It’s more like “feeding” – like watching a rotten log go through a wood chipper. Don’t interrupt me, I’m building momentum! That boy would never be able to maintain an erection again in his life if he saw you scarf that thing down! God only knows how I do it every night! Every night! You’re insatiable! “Oh, Harold, you’re so sexy when you’re angry! You’re so sexy when you’re tired! You’re so sexy when you’re asleep!” Do you have any idea what it’s like being woken up at three in the morning by a dick in your ass? You make me sick! How about the next time you’re randy at three in the morning, you shove it into an electrical outlet and let me get some goddamn sleep!

[Lights up on HAROLD, standing alone at a bathroom mirror.]

That’s good. Yes. Yep. That’s it! That’s… oh I dunno, is that drain cleaner line a little too harsh?

[Pause.]

OK, I’ll try it out, and if he looks too offended I won’t bring up the movie theater tramp. Does that work? Yeah. That’s perfect. Okay.

[Exits, yelling offstage.]

Andy? Andy!